Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Day 6 - 3rd Chemo Cycle

I slept a little better last night and then slept in this morning.  I've been so tired and weak today.  I was also chilled throughout the day.  I know this is due to coming off of the prednisone yesterday but it doesn't make it any easier.  This is another day to put in God's hands in more ways than one.

I'm not only struggling to fight and survive this cancer but at the same time I'm struggling to be a mother to a hormonal teenage daughter.  Today was not a good day in both the cancer arena and the parenting arena.  I'm at the end of my rope tonight.  I struggle to deal with the real drama of lymphoma and then also the drama of teenage angst.  This all becomes a vortex of emotions and the tension in the house becomes unbearable.  It affects each member of the family.  Raw emotions from each member does not make for a peaceful, healing environment.

I try to ignore the more hurtful comments such as "you're so selfish".   It is hard especially when the comment is made after a request for help because I'm feeling too weak and ill to handle a task.  I'm very disappointed.  It is hard for me to focus just on myself and be selfish.  It is equally hard to ask for help when I've always tried to be self-sufficient.  To finally ask for some help and then be ignored or be disrespected is very difficult to accept.  As a result, I had a melt down and then felt guilt for losing control.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day in the parenting arena.

This truly was a day of "going through the wringer". This phrase always reminds me of watching my grandmother put her wash through the wringer in her wringer washer when I was quite young. One piece of laundry would be put between two rollers and slowly fed through. I used to watch the water get wrung out of the cloth as it was pressed and rolled between the two rollers. "Pressed and rolled out" is exactly how I feel tonight.

On a brighter note, the adrenaline gave me energy to do some knitting and warmed me up.  I also had a friend give me a beautiful bracelet which has been blessed with healing properties.  Another friend dropped off a care package of cookies and loaves.  Ladies from my church are helping us out this week by making us dinner during my most difficult days.  Dinner was delivered and I was able to have a hot supper ready for Scott when he came home tonight. 

So I guess even in my worst days physically and emotionally, God provides some well needed positives as well.

1 comment:

  1. Don't be so hard on yourself, Cathy. You are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. Teen angst gets the better of all of us. That teenage 'nutty' brain followed by attitude can be quite trying at times.