Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Day 7 - 4th Chemo Cycle

One day at a time.  This is what gets me through the low points in the treatment cycle.  Today I'm finding that each time I take the Nystatin, it gets a little harder to take.  I now associate the queasiness and vomitting to the taste of the medicine.  I dread having to take it.  I must, though, in order to get rid of the oral yeast infection (thrush).

When I woke up this morning, I laid quietly for a bit to see how my stomach was feeling.  This is just like what I used to do when I was pregnant with my kids.  You open you eyes.  You don't move because you don't want to cause your belly to slosh around.  Unfortunately, the soda crackers don't help the queasiness like it did when I was younger and pregnant.  I digress.  As I laid in the beam of sunshine slanting across my warm bed, I could hear the birds singing and chirping in our backyard.  I had the window open because it's been so spring-like outside the last few days.  Anyway, I could hear the robins, the mourning doves, the cardinals, the grackles, the crows, the red-winged blackbirds, the blue jays, the sparrows and the chickadees.  As I listened to the peaceful sounds, I thought how wonderful it is to be alive.  This seemed like such a contradiction considering my stomach was feeling queasy and I was having the "runs".  Then I had a light bulb moment!

In the mid 1980's, I went to a Women Alive Conference where Joni Earikson Tada was the guest speaker.  I remember because I had read her account of when she broke her neck in a diving accident as a teenager.  I remember her talking about always having "joy" in your heart.  She indicated at the time that this did not mean fleeting happiness but a deep, profound joy in all circumstances such as during her injury and rehabilitation to living as a quadriplegic.  I thought I understood at the time but I didn't grasp the fullness of it until today.  Today, my light bulb moment was when I fully realized you can feel deep joy even while feeling completely miserable.  I'll try to explain what I mean.  Today I had the joy of peace even while I struggled with a stomach that wanted to violently purge itself.  The joy of peace was listening to the different bird songs,  and learning to relax as I listenened to the birds.  I had such a wonderfully clear sense of being alive and was not just happy about it but joyful deep inside.

So that was just me trying to get up this morning.  I finished off another pair of socks today.  I did some reading.  My current novel is 921 pages long.  By late this afternoon, I was feeling much better and even did some pruning of my grape vines.  I do get frustrated with the very little amount I do before I'm tired.  I see so much of what I want to do and I'm still adjusting to accepting what my limits are.  I'm not overdoing it because I don't like how that makes me feel.  When I've done too much, I get very light-headed.  So I prune for a short bit.  Then I sit down and read or knit.  Then when I have restless energy again, usually an hour or so later, I do a little bit again.

I did have a great laugh late this afternoon.  I rediscovered one of my favourite BBC shows "Mrs. Brown's Boys".  It was wonderful to watch some newer episodes on You Tube.  I laughed so hard my cheeks were very sore.  My husband came home at this point and shared in the laughter.  Then we enjoyed some quiet time on the patio while his Shepherd's Pie heated up in the oven.  I did enjoy our dinner.  I've had to pass on the apple crisp for dessert  because I took my Nystatin which pretty much rules out any more eating tonight.

All in all today was a great day except for the restless feeling I've got happening.

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