Thursday, 12 April 2012

Day 8 - 5th Chemo Cycle

I didn't sleep well again last night.  This time it was because my sleep was interrupted by dreams.  I don't remember the dreams but I do know that I woke myself up by hearing me yelling out and thrashing in the bed.  As a result, I was very tired again today.  I know what triggered the dreams and as the day progressed, I was finally able to start to put aside the anxiety and worry.

Today I finally recognized the amount of energy I have wasted over the years through worrying and fretting about situations that I have no control over.  As the realization dawned, I began to move to a place of acceptance and peace.  Over the years I've heard that you cannot control other people's emotions, reactions and to just move on.  I had accepted that I could only control my own reactions and actions.  What I hadn't fully learned, and today I took a small step to finally learning, is that it doesn't help to fret about upcoming events and the fretting is wasted energy.  I need this energy focused on my healing right now.  I can't afford to fret about something that is 2 or 3 months away.  This is another example of one breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time.  I have started to look too far ahead.  I NEED to not worry about what is going to happen in the future due to someone else's emotions, reactions or actions.

Today I was embracing the idea of an encircling prayer to keep me safe and give me peace.  It helped.  I had started to use this method of prayer in January and into February.  Then I forgot.  I need to establish the habit of this type of prayer.  I believe that the encircling prayer actually has its roots in the Celtic/Druid tradition.  The one I've been using is actually a Christian one.  It goes:

 "The Sacred Three my fortress be
Encircling me.
Come and be round
my hearth and my home."

I found this at

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