Sunday, 22 July 2012

"Do I" or "Don't I" and Choices

Life is about choices.  Since finishing the chemotherapy for my lymphoma, I'm getting stronger and more healthy each week and I have more choices of activities that I can choose to do.  This past week, I chose to travel to Westport one day and Cornwall the next day.  These two days of activity tired me out.   On Thursday I had many options of activities to do.  I could have gone grocery shopping for items we need to replenish in the house.  I could cleaned my kitchen.  I could have cleaned my bathrooms.  I could have dusted the house.  I could have vacuumed my floors and washed the kitchen, bathroom(s) and entrance way floors.  That day I was very tired from two days of travelling and I was struggling with "do I or don't I".  I chose to ignore the options and I rested.  I did go out for dinner on Thursday night with friends but even so I was very tired when I returned home.

Friday, I chose to do my laundry with the intention to clean my bathrooms.  I finally chose to finish trimming my shrubs in the front of the house.  Again, I ran out of energy and I chose to rest after finishing the laundry.  I also chose to make a special dinner for my husband and son.  I created a rub for my whole chicken and then cooked it as a "beer can chicken" on the barbecue.  Paired with mashed potatoes and a zucchini dish that was done on the barbecue, we enjoyed a wonderful dinner.  My husband and I then chose to go for a walk after dinner. Again, I was very tired after we returned home.

Saturday I spent the day at the local baseball field watching my son play baseball.  When we returned home and washed off all the infield dirt that was discolouring our skin, my husband and I went out on a "date".  We've been wanting to do this but we've either been too busy or I haven't had enough energy.  In the last 2 months, I feel like I'm constantly weighing my choices and thinking "Do I or Don't I".  Last night, I decided to go out on my date with my husband even though I was tired.  We went to St. Huberts Restaurant for dinner and then we went to a movie.  We got home just after 10 p.m.  I went to bed because I was tired.

Today we went to our friends' house for an afternoon at the pool and then a barbecue.  I had a great time and it was wonderful to see them again.  I noticed that my stamina still isn't quite what it was.  Swimming in the pool tired me out very, very quickly.  I used to be able to swim multiple lengths and I couldn't even do one length.  It was nice to have a pool to jump into though when the hot flashes hit me this afternoon.  The option of "Do I or Don't I" hit me again tonight when we got home.  My son and husband had a softball game to play this evening.  My son's girlfriend was going to the game to watch them play.  I so wanted to go along because I wanted to watch the boys play ball and also spend time with my son's girlfriend.  I was feeling very torn with the "Do I or Don't I" dilemna.  I chose to stay home because I can feel that my body is really tired tonight.  I have another busy day tomorrow so I need to  rest up so that I can enjoy another day to the absolute fullest.

I'm happy that I have all these choices and opportunities.  I really enjoy spending time with my various friends and especially my husband and family.  I still have to learn to pace myself and I begrudgingly make my "don't" decisions.   My heart and mind are willing to go and embrace life to the fullest by participating in everything that comes along.  My body is still telling me it isn't ready to do that quite yet.  So I'll listen to it for now and yearn for the day that I have my full energy back again. 

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