Sunday, 21 April 2013

Circuitous Emotions

It's been a bit since I've posted an entry because I've been enjoying life.  My time has been filled teaching, learning, working in my yard and spending time with my daughter.  My husband and son were away for a week enjoying time together.  This was a fantastic opportunity for my daughter and I to reconnect and re-establish our mother-daughter bond.  We enjoyed dining out together.  We tried to enjoy some shopping but unfortunately my energy has not rebounded since I was sick with the cold/flu a month ago.  So the shopping excursion was cut short.  I was disappointed and impatient with my body.  But despite this little disappointment, we had a great week.  We laughed together, we dined together we watched movies together and enjoyed each other in the midst of a busy schedule (work for me and volunteer/school responsibilities for her).

My singing voice has still not rebounded after the cold/flu.  This concerns me because I was just back to singing in the choir and able to produce a nice tone with air support.  This morning as I was waking from a good night's sleep, I pondered my throat and voice.  My throat was scratchy sore across the whole base of the throat.  My neck muscles continue to ache just like they did in November 2011 which was one of the motivating reasons to make an appointment with my family doctor.  That appointment was the beginning of a chaotic and traumatic journey.  So this morning as I lay in bed in that magical moment between sleep and conciousness, my mind was wandering.  I have the window that I can see outside from my bed.  The sky this morning is a brilliant blue with a bright sun to make it appear warm and spring-like.  My emotions laying in bed were in conflict as I deal with the underlying worry of my health and also embraced the beautiful day outside.  As I lay there slowly coming into my day, I also thought "I should really get up and go off to church."  I was in conflict.  I want to enjoy some relaxation without rushing around and running off to "should do's".  I also want to worship and praise my God as I am thankful for where my health is compared to a year ago.  I also want to pray and bring to God my concerns regarding a friend who is struggling with her own serious health issues.  She has been waiting for a double lung transplant for over a year.  This past week she was hospitalized and her 2 teenage daughters were very distressed.  I've been praying for my friend but also for her family as they try to be brave and strong but at the same time struggle with their own fears.  I've wanted to share my mantra "One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time." with my friend and her family.  I'm just afraid that it is a little insensitive as she struggles to breathe.  How can I suggest "one breath at a time" when it is difficult for her to take one breath?!

I've labelled this post "Circuitous Emotions" because my emotions and thoughts are going in circles this morning.  As I write this, I'm up and listening to Jigs N' Reels on which is a radio show from Newfoundland, Canada.  It is a great way to lift my spirits and inject some joy into the soul.  So there's my circuitous emotions.  I'm going in circles between worry, fear and "down" emotions to joyful and happy emotions.  I do experience a joy for living and experiencing life to the absolute fullest.  As I listen to the jigs and reels, my feet are tapping and I even suggested trying to dance in the living room with my husband.  Of course, the dancing isn't happening but my toes are tapping and legs are swinging in time to the music.  Today it is very cold outside but it is dry, sunny and a gorgeous blue sky.  I've made the choice to not go to church today.  It is difficult to attend church when I can't sing without pain because I'm so used to singing in the choir.  This morning I calculated that I have been involved with choirs and church music up to November 2011 which adds up to 32 years.  No wonder I find it difficult to attend church and to sit in the congregation!!

I've spent my morning reading and contemplating how God works in our lives and in the world.  I must say that I've always been attuned to nature and it always brings peace and calm to my soul and thoughts. This is important for this coming week as I will be having a CT scan done to make sure that the lymphoma is still in remission.  Enjoying a walk in nature or sitting on my patio in the cold and watching the birds, squirrels, rabbits and ducks that visit my backyard all allows me to "be still" and feel the presence of God.  This is also when I bring my fears, worries and prayers to Him to carry for me so that I can continue to enjoy other moments in life with joy.  I believe that God is loving and caring and wants to carry our burdens.  He wants to be there to carry us when we can't walk on our own.  I can say from experience that life is so much easier to navigate when I surrender and rely on God to carry me.  But.....the challenge for me is to bend my will and to stop trying to "do" life on my own especially when life is going well.

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