Being Kind to Yourself

Today's society values money, consumerism and "busyness". When I come down with a cold or I'm feeling tired due to whatever reasons, I often feel guilty because I don't have the energy to keep up my house to pristine standards or for not keeping busy and productive. There's a little voice or tape that plays in my head and compares me to other people who may be worse off or who are more productive. The voice goes like this. "Well, they're worse off than you and they have energy to do........" Or this "What's wrong with you that you can't even keep the house clean?!" Or this is a good one, "You've just wasted a whole day doing nothing!"

I think at some point in our lives, we can all relate to those tapes that play in our heads. Why do we feel the need to compare ourselves to others and come up short? Why can't we just be kind to ourselves and accept us where we're at? I don't have the answer. I just know that I spent the last 5 weeks battling the sinus cold/infection and it knocked me out. I had very little energy. To be productive, I started knitting the replacement afghan for my daughter. This helped me feel "productive"....like I was doing something important and not just sitting wasting my day.

Earlier this week, the antibiotics were helping to kick this infection out of my body. I started to have more energy. I planted my vegetable seeds indoors for my garden. I thought, "I can help Hubby by mudding some nail holes in the drywall to prepare some rooms to be painted." So I did that. I used up my energy to buy the supplies, do some mudding and also some sanding with a mask and safety goggles on. I did that for 3 days. Then yesterday, I woke up feeling congested again. I thought, "Well that's OK. I need to get out and do groceries anyway even though I'm dragging." I was dragging. I was tired. I'm still tired today.

While out yesterday, I ran into a friend who has been battling her own cancer. We talked about living with the Big C and how do you go on without being an anxious mess every time there is an ache or you're tired or there's another test? How do you go on? My answer was mental fortitude. I am aware of my body and any changes in it. I am aware that I tire quickly, or I'm hot at night. I try not to go down that rabbit hole of "what if". Do I always succeed? No. My friend and I chatted. Unless someone has had cancer, they don't get it. This isn't like a flu that you just "get over". It's always there in the back of your mind. So I try to ignore it and go on. But.....the days that I'm tired? I have a little bit of anxiety and I try to ignore it. As I continued my grocery shopping at another store in town, I met up with another cancer survivor who also has good and bad days. We chatted about being kind to ourselves. I realized that my thoughts are not always kind to myself. There's no way I would say those things to anyone else, so why do I say it to myself?! This particular lady mentioned to me that she heard me speak several years ago at a Relay for Life event. She told me that I inspired her and I continue to inspire her. You know what my tape in my head said?! "What a load of crock! You are such a fraud! Inspiration my ***!!! If only people knew that you have days that you waste just sitting on the couch watching tv, playing computer games and knitting!" Oh my.....I would never say that to anyone so why is it OK for me to think that to myself about myself?! It's not!!

So yesterday, I finished my grocery shopping and I was exhausted. I sat for a few hours and watched television while I knitted. When it came time for supper, I was on my own while Hubby was still working later into the evening. I made my supper and felt guilty for wasting the afternoon (even though I was knitting my daughter's afghan). I pulled up a turkey carcass from the freezer and decided to make turkey broth to replenish what I've used up from my freezer. The turkey boiled away for the whole evening.

I slept in this morning. I'm still tired. I'm less congested but worried that I am still congested a little bit. This morning, I portioned the turkey broth into containers and froze them. I use the broth to make rice or to eat when I don't feel well. With the rest of the broth, I made turkey soup using the meat that came off the bones. Again, I've rested today. I was planning to do some drywall sanding but it's not going to happen today. I had thought that I learned my lesson about being kind to myself and listening to my body over the years. I do listen to it. I do rest when I'm tired. But.....there's still the little voice that judges me with the values of today's society. Those values are being busy, being productive, making use of every spare minute of every day with no excuses.

This is frustrating. Again, why can't we be gentle and kind with ourselves. I guess I still have lots to learn.

Faith, Family and Community

Does adversity ever end? As I look back over the last 2 years, I and my family have faced much trauma and adversity. It started in February of 2017 when suspicions of relapsed lymphoma began to invade my thoughts. The year 2017 was full of diagnostic tests, chemotherapy, a stem cell transplant and subsequent recovery. 2018 looked like it was going to be a better year until the end of February when a PET scan showed the lymphoma was still there. The dark cloud of lymphoma hung over me and my family until the beginning of July 2018. We then got a break from medical appointments for a period of 2 months. Then it was back to more vaccinations and maintenance chemotherapy. A nasty cold attached itself to me in November and then a flu bug in December in conjunction with another maintenance chemotherapy session. My health cleared up in time for the Christmas holidays and the month of January 2019. During the Christmas break, Hubby and I discussed making a trip to Victoria to see his father. Again, this had to be planned between medical appointments for vaccinations and my next maintenance chemotherapy session on February 28. As mentioned in my previous post, we decided to go to Victoria, B.C. from February 7 through to February 21.

As mentioned in my previous post, Father-in-law passed away on February 14 so Hubby extended his stay until February 28 although due to delayed flights and missed connections he didn’t make it home until March 1.

So for the last 2 years, we have endured an overwhelming amount of adversity. Our daughter lost everything she owned and then her beloved Grandpa within 24 hours. A necklace that Grandpa gave her for her high school graduation went up in flames. This hit her hard. In the midst of it all, another necklace that Grandpa gave her many years ago was believed to also gone up in flames. It was a heart pendant and he had engraved “My Grandaughter, My Joy” on the back of it. Daughter sobbed uncontrollably on the phone when she told me it went up in flames along with an afghan I knit for her when she was 12. Well, I found the heart pendant in her room at our home minus the chain. Daughter’s words were “It’s these small things that get us through.” She has already learned as a young woman that family, friends and community help support us when a tragedy occurs.

How true this is! It is the small moments that we must hold tight to. It is the moments that create good lasting memories we must remember. It is the support of family, friends and church community that get us through adversity. As I continue to battle the sinus cold that is not improving, I could get overwhelmed and sink into a pit of despair. But instead, I count my blessings. As for the afghan, I am knitting Daughter another one as I battle this cold that lingers on. As I count my blessings, I have wonderful friends that I have been able to visit with, sing with and enjoy. In 2017 amidst the diagnostic process, I was able to get away for a few days on the motorcycle and enjoy a brief holiday watching baseball, enjoying time with Hubby and making lasting memories. As I went through hospitalization, I was able to enjoy visits with family and good friends. In 2018, I had a 3 week trip on the motorcycle throughout Ontario as my oncologist advised that I do not travel too far from home. This trip was a wonderful break and a real blessing. It provided opportunities to meet up with family and friends. 2018 also gave me the opportunity to enjoy my yard and gardens while spending time outdoors with the birds, warm sunshine and butterflies. Even in the midst of the last 6 weeks, Hubby and I were able to make lasting memories with his father. We enjoyed moments of laughter. We managed to get him to eat. We were able to spend time with him at home.

We all have adversity in our lives. It could be very easy to fall into a negative spiral downwards and become an unhappy person. It is important to acknowledge our negative circumstances, but it is equally important to count our blessings. It is important to reach out to family and friends. It is most important to have our faith and spirituality nourished. I look at my family, my friends and my faith community as my safety net. They are there in good and bad times. In the good times, we create warm and lasting memories together. In the bad times, we support each other and help each other through the adversity. I truly thank God for my family, friends and my church family.