What God Hath (Has) Promised

As my last post mentioned, I had my final treatment and I was off to visit family for an early Christmas celebration. I always enjoy my Extended Family Christmas. The only people missing are my Grandpa (d. 1986), my Dad (d. 1991) and my Grandma (d. 1993). It was a wonderful day even though I tired quickly. Family just accepted that and let me rest. My son realized I was totally spent and quietly moved all our presents and empty dishes to the back door of my brother's place. He also approached Hubby and let him know it was time to go. I was waiting until after Don Cherry's segment had finished before I was going to let Hubby know I was exhausted and needed to leave. Everyone totally understood.

After returning home, I have picked up a bad head/throat cold that I'm having difficulty shaking off. This morning, as I was using limited energy to dust in preparation for putting up Christmas decorations, I took time to read and reflect on What God Hath Promised. This is a poem based on scripture (1 Kings 8:56) that I received from my mother's cousin back in 2012 when I had my first bout of lymphoma. I don't know who wrote it. She told me that her mother (she died before I was born of breast cancer) had this poem on the hallway wall outside her (my great-aunt's) bedroom. I have it hung in my own bedroom but often just walk by or quickly read it over as I dust. I've been having some down days as I still try to adjust to not working. Having the cold hasn't helped as I have no energy and then too much time to think and have a lonely pity party.

God hath (has) not promised skies always blue.
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives thro';
God hath (has) not promised sun without rain.
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

This first verse of the poem reminds me that our lives are never perfect, sunny days with no illness, sorrow or negativity. We can try to make our lives positive, healthy and joyful but it is never a guarantee.

God hath (has) not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe:
He hath (has) not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

 Again, this verse tells me that my life is not guaranteed to avoid struggles or hard work both physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm reminded that the absence of grief, worry and heavy physical and emotional burdens are not promised. It's not a guarantee of a perfect life.

God hath (has) not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel needing no guide:
Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
Never a river turbid and deep:

I really like this verse as it seems to echo my thoughts on my own journey through life. In the times that I've been healthy and active, it is so easy to travel swiftly and easily through these times with less leaning on my "guide" Jesus/God/Holy Spirit. However, when I encounter "mountains rocky and steep" or "rivers turbid and deep", then I do lean on my constant companion in this life and my deep faith. Does this make me fickle? When the way is so steep and rocky (going through chemo) or the river is turbid and deep (swirling emotions and thoughts of uselessness as I sit doing nothing in an attempt to get better physically), is it only then that I lean on my "guide"? I don't believe this makes me fickle. When I'm healthy and riding on the back of The Big Wing or I'm gardening and enjoying nature, I quietly in my thoughts praise God for the joy of living. Joy....is also there deep inside me even when I'm in the middle of the deep, turbid river of trials. Do I doubt my "guide" sometimes. Sure. Do I get discouraged? Yes. But inevitably, I do feel God by my side in both good and bad times.

But God hath (has) promised strength for the day,
Rest after labor, light for our way.
Grace for all trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

As I read this last verse this morning while dusting, I contemplated the meanings of the words. God has promised me strength for my day(s). Even when I'm ill, I need to feel productive. Even now, as I'm unemployed and sitting at home, I need to feel that I've accomplished something. God does give me strength. He does give me rest after my labour. Sometimes I'm a little stubborn and go beyond what my energy levels are at. I always pay for it by being too tired to do anything the next day or the next couple of days. This is the "rest after labour". "Light for our way" is given to me through God's angels. These "angels" are my friends, my family and my church family. The warm glow of love helps light up my day and give a light for my path through both healthy, joyful times and also dark, ill times in my life's journey. Again, looking at the third line in this verse, God provides grace and help to me through my human support network but also through inspired thoughts throughout my day. This morning, the last line left me feeling cossetted and cherished. For me, "Unfailing sympathy, undying love", is always felt when I'm at my lowest point or in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.

This poem, reminds me to look to my faith. Think about God and Jesus as my constant companion at all hours of the day and night. In my darkest times, I always feel like God's hand is cupped and holding me gently while He carries me throught the rockiest and steepest climb of an unmovable mountain.

I truly am blessed and thankful. I'm thankful for all my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, friends and church family. What cherished blessings you all are. Now go...seize the day....find joy in all circumstances.

A Long, LONG Overdue Update

Oh my!!! Time has gotten away on me and I haven't been posting on the blog regularly.  Briefly, I am very healthy and I have lots of energy and strength. This is why I haven't posted. The summer was spent outdoors with my gardening. After years of neglect, I finally got the gardens somewhat weed free and flourishing. My vegetable garden performed very well and I spent the last couple of months reaping the benefits of the vegetables. My freezer is full for the upcoming winter with various soups, beets and sauces. I also froze my apples, pears, rhubarb and zucchini in quantities for baking throughout the winter.

Thanksgiving was a beautiful holiday even though my children were not able to spend it with us. Instead, we shared the holiday and harvest meal with my husband's cousin. It was a lovely weekend. The weather was unseasonably warm and we were able to enjoy an evening around the small, contained fire pit.

Throughout the month of September, the plan to finally return to work was put in place. With excitement and some trepidation, I started the process of the required medical tests and procedures which are required to volunteer or work in the hospital environment. After asking my oncologist a question regarding the timing of my last maintenance chemo treatment and the flu shot, I received information from my doctor that indicated I should not return to work or volunteer in the public realm and certainly not in the hospital. My immune system is permanently suppressed and even with all the vaccinations, I am very susceptible to all the viruses that circulate. It was a very sad day for me. It was difficult to have to tell my manager that I would not be returning to work on November 11 as previously planned. My emotions were very close to the surface. I felt anger as this disease has once again taken something that I thoroughly enjoyed away from me. I felt grief. I felt sadness as I won't see my co-workers on a regular basis. I felt like I was a failure. I've since recovered some of my joie de vivre. I continue to look for another way to make myself a contributing member of society. I may look into volunteering at the food bank but not with the public part of that. I could help unload and put away the various food items on the storage shelves.

With the good weather behind us and winter looming, I have decided to enroll in an exercise program. I intend to pick up my painting again. I haven't painted regularly since 1990. I am going to learn to paint using acrylics instead of oils this time. I will still have my blog that I can write in. And maybe, if I have good energy and we have enough snow, I can pick up snow shoeing again. I have also been able to return to singing in the church choir. I'm thoroughly enjoying it!!

Today, I will have my last maintenance treatment of Rituxan. Yayyy!!!!! I saw my oncologist yesterday and all my blood levels are in the normal range. I will have this last treatment this afternoon and then I'm off to a special dinner with my hubby and 2 very close friends. If I need to leave the dinner early, our friends are willing to drive me home as Hubby has some obligations to take care of at the evening event.

As I write this, our first snow is drifting lazily down. Big, fluffy snowflakes have been falling all morning and are accumulating on the ground. Hubby rode The Big Wing (his Honda Goldwing motorcycle) to the shop for storage this morning in the snow. That was a first. The poor Big Wing has never seen snow while we've owned it. We will look forward to next Spring when it will come home and we can go out for our rides again. My next post on the blog will tell all about our summer vacation in August on The Big Wing. Life is full of adventures and I really have climbed out of my doldrums of the last few weeks. It's time to look forward and see what life brings my way. As of yesterday, I have graduated to seeing my oncologist every 6 months for a check up.

Keep checking back for future posts which will happen more regularly now.