I have finally strung together a few weeks of good health. I have discovered that I need to stay busy in order to block the thoughts of returned illness. Currently, illness refers to the number of colds and flu that are circulating in my community. Of course, there is always the lurking and dreaded thoughts of relapsed lymphoma. That illness is always on the perimeter of my thoughts. But for now, I have been healthy and keeping myself busy.
I started volunteering for the local food bank in January and I am enjoying it. I do not work with other volunteers very often and I enjoy the physical aspect of the position. I am feeling a little stronger all the time. I have been reading for my enjoyment and relaxation but I have also started reading to a friend of mine who has lost his vision. I went to the local library and picked up a book by one of his favourite authors. I only read about 1 hour per day but not on weekends. I suspect that I will have to renew this book at least 2 times and perhaps more before we are finished with it. I enjoy this activity very much. It gives me an opportunity to visit with him and it gets me out of the house. I'm also filling my day with attempting another painting.
A year ago today at this exact time, Hubby and I were in British Columbia and making our way to Tofino. There had been a major snow storm which was unusual for Vancouver Island. I took a picture during our drive that caught the snow covered fir trees on Mount Malahat. So I am attempting to recreate that memory with the use of my photograph. It is going to be a challenge for me as I have never painted trees laden with snow. The boughs were bent downwards due the weight of the snow. It was a very pretty drive but it was slippery in some spots.
I miss going to the live hockey games that we used to go to regularly. I am afraid to go now because after going the last few times, I seemed to come home with a major cold which would show up about 3-5 days later. I seem to have difficulty getting rid of these colds. This is my new normal. I miss the live action at the games. I love going to the games and cheering for our local OHL team. As for catching colds, I'm on alert all the time. Hubby has caught a cold this week and I'm trying to keep everything clean and sanitized so that I don't catch it. Since Hubby already has this cold, I've given my son permission to come home this weekend even though he also has a cold. It is Family Day on Monday and my son's birthday is coming up very soon as well. So I'm happy that he is coming home but I'm also afraid of catching the cold. I do not want to be sick again. I want to continue to be healthy. Do I wear a mask and go to the hockey games? This would give me pleasure to be at the games but I don't want people staring at me especially in light of the world's crisis with the Coronavirus. With Hubby currently have the cold, should I be wearing a mask all the time? I sometimes feel like I'm losing the battle. One step forward and then two or three steps backwards. I always said I don't want to live in a bubble where I don't see people. But I don't want to catch any more bugs. What to do! It is a dilemna.
I remember my oncologist telling me to manage the risks. This is why I can't work with people. I have to manage the risk of getting sick. I am very aware when I'm in a public place and I cringe when I hear someone cough or sneeze. I'm afraid....afraid the germs are going to float over to me and infect me. I'm afraid I'm going to touch some surface and catch another bug. I use hand sanitizer all the time when I'm out. I go grocery shopping and I use hand sanitizer as soon as I get back in my car. When I've gone to a hockey game, I use hand sanitizer as soon as I am seated in my seat. Hubby and I go early so we avoid the crowds before the game. I do not walk around during the intermissions. I stay in my seat. Hubby and I wait until most of the crowds have left after the game before we leave our seats and make our way to our car. I'm trying to manage the risks. But I'm afraid I'm becoming paranoid.
In order to combat the fears and germ paranoia, I keep busy. I volunteer. I read. I paint. I clean and keep up with household chores. Then the fear hits again. Am I becoming obsessive and compulsive?! I wash my hands many multiple times in a day. I use hand sanitizer on top of all the hand washing. It is winter and because I have sensitive skin, my hands are getting chapped so I'm using my favourite hand lotion which keeps the skin from cracking. The next thought is.....is this really good quality of life? Being afraid to go out in public places because of other people having cold and flu bugs but not washing their hands or covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze?
So the cycle continues. Fretful and fearful thoughts followed by filling my time with friends, volunteering and hobbies so that the fretful and fearful thoughts don't take hold. Then the next cold hits and takes hold....so the cycle continues. More hand washing, isolating, trying to fill the time during the day and trying to get myself healthy again. But.....I can stop this cycle. I visit with friends. I read. I volunteer. I paint. And I pray. I pray for good health. I pray for the fearful thoughts to dissipate. I shove them in my new closet for the "What ifs". The old closet was too full and I couldn't fit them in anymore. So expanded and built a new "What ifs" closet in my mind. Imagery does help. But only sometimes.
In ending today's post, if you see me with a mask on as I go out into public spaces, please don't stare. Please don't judge. Please don't assume that I'm someone who is panicking because of the coronavirus. Please be aware that I'm trying to enjoy a good quality of life but I'm also having to manage my risks and protect myself from the common cold or flu. This winter, the common cold lasts up to 4 weeks with me. The flu lasts 2 weeks. I'm wearing a mask only to protect myself. And I'm trying really hard to avoid being a germaphobe lunatic.
