I realized that I have been stuck in place emotionally for months now. While I had a virus for 6-8 weeks before Christmas, I unknowingly started to slide downwards emotionally. I got stuck. I recognized there was an issue with me being unhappy just before Christmas. I wanted to go back to work but that is not my "new normal". I wanted to be out enjoying activities but I seemed to catch a virus or flu every time I went out. So I was "stuck" at home and unhappy. As mentioned in previous posts, I did start volunteering at the local foodbank. Then just before covid-19 shut everything down, they ran out of food for me to sort at the end of February. I was alright with that because The Brier was in Kingston and I was going attend every draw if I could....wearing my mask before it was "a thing".
I'm fortunate that I have lots of hobbies and interests. As mentioned in my last post, I've been knitting therapeutic hand muffs which are also known as fiddle muffs. During this time of self-isolating (to be honest it is what I've been doing since November), I have found a sense of purpose. Knitting has helped me cope with the uncertainty of my future.....when is the lymphoma going to strike again? The rhythmic movement of knitting and the creativity expressed in the fiddle muffs has helped me to be productive and feel useful. Until I stop. During the quiet moments in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep, I worry. I indulge in self-pity. And self-pity is not useful. It is an eddy of blackness just waiting to suck me in. I found myself getting grumpy. I found myself feeling negative emotions. I was losing the battle within. Outwardly, I was enjoying chatting with friends through technical means. I was enjoying being with my family and playing card games. But in the quiet moments? It was a much different story. I didn't want to drag my family or my friends down, so I just suffered in the quiet moments.
Then.....I talked with another friend of mine who is in a worse place physically than I am. We had similar emotions. I was introduced into a Cancer Survivors' Support group called "Thriving and Surviving". I signed up. In this time of self-isolation, we meet using technology. I recognized that some of my feelings were shared with other cancer survivors. Some in a worse place than I am. I realized that I am fortunate. I'm in remission. I have some strength. Last week, 6 yards of triple mix was delivered for my 2 new raised vegetable gardens and also to amend the soil in my existing gardens. I was strong enough to move most of the dirt myself. It took 2 days. I was sore and exhausted at the end of those 2 days. But.....I was strong enough. I'm healthy enough. As part of my homework from my new group, I made a few action plans. One.....walk for an hour every day after supper. I've now walked 2 days in a row. The first night, I wasn't able to do the hour. I walked 40 minutes. I felt like a failure. But I told myself that I will walk the next night (last night). I will walk my full hour. So I did walk after supper last night with Hubby. I did better than the 40 minutes but not quite the full hour. But that's OK. I don't feel like a failure. I walked 50 minutes. So I am going to walk again tonight. I am GOING TO WALK THE FULL HOUR! I refuse to give up.
My second action plan? To write in my blog daily. OK, so it didn't happen 2 days ago. And it didn't happen yesterday. BUT....it's happening today. So I'm hoping (going) to write in the blog every day again. Maybe it will help me get in touch with my thoughts and emotions in a more healthy way. This isn't a chore. I do enjoy writing. I just have to make time to do it. Once I start writing, it just flows from my brain to my fingers and into the keyboard.
My third action plan? To pick up the paint brushes that have not been touched since February. Again, I think I need to write "painting" in my agenda so that I sit down once a week and paint.
I continue to knit the fiddle muffs. I have decided it is interesting for me to make a theme for each one. On the weekend, I made one with a gardening theme. I knit in the grass, the dirt, the sky. I attached some straggly bits of blue as part of the sky and the person who gets the muff and fiddle with the straggly, soft yarn. I learned a new technique called Swiss Darning. I used it to add in a garden shovel and a garden fork. I also used the technique to add a seed with the plant sprouting from it below ground. Above ground, you see the green stems and leaves as well as red flowers. The red flowers were made from straggly red yarn. Again, something to be fiddled with. I then knotted in around the top of the "dirt", yellow pieces of yarn to indicate straw mulch.
I'm currently working on a fiddle muff with a "cottage theme". I used various tones of blue to make the water and then some pinks and the straggly red yarn to make a sunset. Using the Swiss Darning technique, I've added a fir tree or a palm tree. It depends which way you fiddle the green leaves to go. If you fluff them upwards, it looks like a palm tree. If you "pet" the green yarn downwards, it looks like a fir tree. I've put in little raised "waves" and I'm currently (using the Swiss Darning) adding a sail boat. I may also add some white fluffy clouds. I'm not sure on that yet.
I had hoped with all these things filling my days and with the added walking in the evening that I would be sleeping better. Apparently it isn't working yet. Last night I got 3 hours sleep. I don't want o nap during the day because then I'm afraid I won't sleep at night. Oh well......I have realized that this is a minor thing compared to what other people are struggling with. I take pleasure in my gardens already, although I haven't transplanted any plants yet as it is too early and too cold. I saw my first asparagus poking its head above the soil the other day. We had frost last night so I knew it was going to get cold and I covered that poor fragile asparagus with a flower pot to protect it. I'm using my winter green onions and my parsley that is now ready to be snipped. I noticed last night when covering the asparagus that my sage is also showing new shoots of green.
Does the uncertainty of my future health still get to me? Yes it does. But.....I am in a better place emotionally at least today. I'm tired and fatigued but that is due to lack of sleep not any ill health. I'm looking forward to planting my gardens. I'm healthy today and so I will enjoy today.
See you tomorrow.
