I didn't sleep well last night. Yesterday my brain was trying to come up with creative ways that I could stimulate my fundraising efforts and my team's fundraising efforts for the Relay For Life. Other teams are having garage sales, bbq's, car washes, etc to help raise money. Unfortunately, I don't have the energy to organize something big like that so I've been trying to think of other ways that don't involve a lot of effort. So I didn't sleep well because I had a cup of coffee last evening and I couldn't turn my brain off. I didn't fall asleep until 2 a.m. and then I woke up at 6.
I made myself a poached egg on toast for breakfast. I like that every once in awhile. I guess my husband and two children had never seen me have it before. So I had an audience while I cooked a simple poached egg. It was kind of nice have them be interested enough to watch and learn. Making breakfast tired me out but I had already started laundering my sheets. By the time I hung them outside to dry, I was really tired. So then I caught up with my emails.
It was another warm and sunny day so I spent some time just sitting outside watching the wildlife. A crow was circling through the area and I think it was probably looking to raid some nests. Certainly the other birds were disturbed with his presence and they kept chasing him away. As I watched and listened, my thoughts also returned to my fundraising. Normally at this time of year, I would be picking my rhubarb and making cakes, muffins, breads and freezing it. I don't have the energy to do any of that this year. So I thought, maybe I can sell my rhubarb in bundles and that's how I can raise some money for Relay For Life.
This thought led to the evolution of how would I sell it. How would I draw people in to sell it? It's not like I'm going out to work and have co-workers to try to hock the rhubarb to. The next thought was, "Why not make a sign and set up a stand in the driveway?" This prompted me to look for material around the house/garage that I could make a sign from. I found a cardboard box that our laundry sink had come in from the store. If I cut one side and paint the inside panel white, then I can paint the words in red and it will stand out. So I took my husband's drywall knife and cut off one complete side of the box. I then went into the crawl space and found my 20+ year old oil paint kit. Most of the oil paints were dried out and useless. I did find one large bottle of white paint that was salvageable. Now I went in search for a large brush and a smaller brush. Lo and behold, I found them in another one of my husband's tool hideaways.
My next step was to find a drop sheet so that I can paint the cardboard. I found one and also dug out my surgical latex gloves to keep my hands clean. I took advantage of the warm day and set everything up on the patio. By the time I finished painting my cardboard white, I was exhausted. I was so tired that I felt a little nauseous. Oops....I overdid it. So I stopped and just let the cardboard dry. I made some lunch and rested while I ate.
I really wanted to lay down and take a nap but I couldn't because I was the family taxi driver today. I'm frustrated because really I didn't "do" that much based on what I used to be able to do. I used to work at a quick pace and always felt like I accomplished something. Now I'm having trouble just making a meal and eating it. Anyway, I sat and rested until it was time to pick my children up from school and run them to their separate activities.
Perhaps it was because I was tired today, but my brain seems to be more forgetful. I have words pop out of my mouth that make no sense in the sentence that I'm using them in. Even as I say the word, I know that it is not the one that I meant to use. But I can't think of the word that I'm wanting. This drives me insane. Am I losing my mind? I've heard that people get "chemo brain" and that it is like living in a fog. Is this what's going on with me? Or is my body so tired out from the six cycles of chemotherapy that it's affecting my cognitive abilities? It's hard enough to adjust to less energy but I don't want to lose my mind.
As far as my sign that I started working on today, I'll let it dry completely and then go to the next step. All I can do is try. If I don't sell any rhubarb, then it will already be in bundles and I will drop it off at the local soup kitchen for them to use. We'll have to wait and see what happens.
Monday, 7 May 2012
Sunday, 6 May 2012
Day 11 - 6th Chemo Cycle
What a wonderful Spring day it was today! I'm so glad to be alive! I don't have a lot of energy yet but I'm starting to feel better. I did a load of laundry and hung it outside. Then I spent the rest of the day sitting outdoors on my patio. I watched all the animal and bird activity in our backyard. I also started experimenting with our camera and taking pictures of the various flowers that are currently blooming as well as the pear and apple blossoms that are out in full force on my trees.
The calico-coloured squirrel made a visit to my yard today. He didn't hang around very long though. I heard him chattering and complaining in an adjacent yard a little while later. All afternoon a couple of mourning doves were coming and going throughout the backyard. I felt sorry for the little female as the much larger male dove did not seem to get the hint that she wanted nothing to do with him. He was very persistent. It was a relaxing and fun afternoon shared with my husband. It was a little frustrating that I would get dizzy just by going around the yard taking pictures. So obviously my stamina and energy is not very high but at least I'm feeling much better today.
After a wonderful barbecued pork roast with mashed potatoes, gravy, corn and caesar salad, I returned to the outdoors. It is just so peaceful to hear all the birds singing that I didn't want to be indoors at all today. I did eventually succumb to the coolness of the evening and return indoors. Not long after, a longtime friend came to visit with her daughters. I haven't seen them all together in many, many years. They dropped by for a brief visit that was much too short. It was so nice to see them and share many laughs again.
While I spent my time outside today, I made sure to keep myself covered from the sun. One of the side effects to the chemotherapy is a heightened sensitivity to the sun. I'm very fair skinned and sunburn at the best of times. Now I have to make sure that my skin is covered completely by clothing. Yesterday I had thought I was fully covered but I noticed this morning that there is a small v-shaped area at the base of my neck that got sunburned. So today I did a better job of covering myself. Or so I thought. I notice tonight that the back of my hands are a little sunburned.
It's been a great day and I'm weary. I hope that this will help me sleep soundly tonight despite any night sweats that occur.
The calico-coloured squirrel made a visit to my yard today. He didn't hang around very long though. I heard him chattering and complaining in an adjacent yard a little while later. All afternoon a couple of mourning doves were coming and going throughout the backyard. I felt sorry for the little female as the much larger male dove did not seem to get the hint that she wanted nothing to do with him. He was very persistent. It was a relaxing and fun afternoon shared with my husband. It was a little frustrating that I would get dizzy just by going around the yard taking pictures. So obviously my stamina and energy is not very high but at least I'm feeling much better today.
After a wonderful barbecued pork roast with mashed potatoes, gravy, corn and caesar salad, I returned to the outdoors. It is just so peaceful to hear all the birds singing that I didn't want to be indoors at all today. I did eventually succumb to the coolness of the evening and return indoors. Not long after, a longtime friend came to visit with her daughters. I haven't seen them all together in many, many years. They dropped by for a brief visit that was much too short. It was so nice to see them and share many laughs again.
While I spent my time outside today, I made sure to keep myself covered from the sun. One of the side effects to the chemotherapy is a heightened sensitivity to the sun. I'm very fair skinned and sunburn at the best of times. Now I have to make sure that my skin is covered completely by clothing. Yesterday I had thought I was fully covered but I noticed this morning that there is a small v-shaped area at the base of my neck that got sunburned. So today I did a better job of covering myself. Or so I thought. I notice tonight that the back of my hands are a little sunburned.
It's been a great day and I'm weary. I hope that this will help me sleep soundly tonight despite any night sweats that occur.
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Day 10 - 6th Chemo Cycle
This has been an excellent Spring day! I woke up early. I washed two loads of laundry and hung them outside on the line. I enjoyed the sunshine on the patio as I hung up the laundry, so when I was done I pulled up a chair and watched the activity at the bird feeder. I saw two mourning doves, three worm-eating warblers (yes, that is the real name of the bird), a black squirrel, a calico-coloured squirrel (black with tan patches), a red-winged blackbird, a blue jay, some sparrows, a robin and a red admiral butterfly. I wanted to stay outside longer but it was early morning and the wind was cool. I didn't want to get chilled so I went inside to read the morning newspaper.
After reading the paper, I made myself some breakfast and needed to rest again. Once I felt more energized again, I transplanted a pot of dwarf daffodils that a friend had given to me a couple of weeks ago. Then I had a brief visit with my next door neighbour. Now I was weary again but it was so nice outside that I sat on the patio and watched the birds.
This afternoon, I was so happy to go to my son's baseball game and watch his team play. I normally sit on the bleachers but I have discovered that I don't have the stamina for that. I guess my core muscles have deteriorated in the last number of months. So I made the long, slow walk to the van and watched the game from just behind the left field fence.
For me, this has been a busy day but it was so much fun! I'm tired and most likely will go to bed early. I was hoping to watch "The Bucket List" tonight but it will have to wait for another time as I don't think I would make it all the way through.
Today I had my first experience of seeing people I know who didn't know I've been sick. It was a little overwhelming to be made such a fuss over. I realize that these are people who I know through baseball and so they wouldn't have seen me since last Fall. They were shocked because I showed up walking slowly, having no hair although I was wearing a ball cap, and looking a little pale or tired. Despite all this, it was absolutely wonderful to say "I'm getting better each day." I don't have to worry about gearing up for the next chemo session. I'm truly just going to get stronger and better each and every day!
After reading the paper, I made myself some breakfast and needed to rest again. Once I felt more energized again, I transplanted a pot of dwarf daffodils that a friend had given to me a couple of weeks ago. Then I had a brief visit with my next door neighbour. Now I was weary again but it was so nice outside that I sat on the patio and watched the birds.
This afternoon, I was so happy to go to my son's baseball game and watch his team play. I normally sit on the bleachers but I have discovered that I don't have the stamina for that. I guess my core muscles have deteriorated in the last number of months. So I made the long, slow walk to the van and watched the game from just behind the left field fence.
For me, this has been a busy day but it was so much fun! I'm tired and most likely will go to bed early. I was hoping to watch "The Bucket List" tonight but it will have to wait for another time as I don't think I would make it all the way through.
Today I had my first experience of seeing people I know who didn't know I've been sick. It was a little overwhelming to be made such a fuss over. I realize that these are people who I know through baseball and so they wouldn't have seen me since last Fall. They were shocked because I showed up walking slowly, having no hair although I was wearing a ball cap, and looking a little pale or tired. Despite all this, it was absolutely wonderful to say "I'm getting better each day." I don't have to worry about gearing up for the next chemo session. I'm truly just going to get stronger and better each and every day!
Friday, 4 May 2012
Day 9 - 6th Chemo Cycle
Hooray!!! I'm on the upswing! When I went to bed last night, I was starting to feel better. I fell asleep listening to the rain fall on my fresh, spring flowerbed below my window and the distant thunder. It was relaxing. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. I could hear the robin, cardinal, house finch and red-winged blackbird singing after the night of rain. They were probably enjoying the feast of worms.
I managed to launder a load of towels and hang them outside on the line. I had to stop multiple times to rest as I hung up the towels but I managed to get it done. Hanging the laundry up would normally take me ten minutes to complete. It took me 45 minutes because I would get tired and dizzy and have to sit down. When I finished and had rested on the patio for a little while, I did pick some asparagus and then cooked it immediately for lunch. There's nothing like fresh asparagus! I spent most of my afternoon sitting on the patio reading and listening to the sounds of nature. I loved it!!
I'm on the upswing but I'm still weak. I get dizzy without expending much effort so it's still been a day of relaxing and letting my body heal from the chemotherapy. The thrush is still there but I think it was a little better today too. I'm still taking the Nystatin even though I don't like it. I have to take it after meals and it always ruins the wonderful taste of what I've eaten. Oh well, just a few more days and then I won't ever have to take it again!!
I'm hoping that if I behave and don't do anything tonight and tomorrow, I'll be able to attend my son's baseball game tomorrow if it isn't cancelled due to field conditions. I hope this weekend that I can start seeing people again. I would like to start talking to people face to face and maybe start collecting offline pledges for my Relay For Life team. For those who are interested in supporting me, you can check out the following link:
http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_ON_even_?px=4345136&pg=personal&fr_id=10558
I just want my life to come back to normal. I want to enjoy my children's activities. I want to putter in my garden and in the yard. I want to be able to do these things without getting weak and dizzy. I have been patient and I continue to be patient but now that I've come to the end of the chemotherapy,
I'm eagerly looking forward to LIVING life.
It's been a good day and I hope it will be a great weekend.
I managed to launder a load of towels and hang them outside on the line. I had to stop multiple times to rest as I hung up the towels but I managed to get it done. Hanging the laundry up would normally take me ten minutes to complete. It took me 45 minutes because I would get tired and dizzy and have to sit down. When I finished and had rested on the patio for a little while, I did pick some asparagus and then cooked it immediately for lunch. There's nothing like fresh asparagus! I spent most of my afternoon sitting on the patio reading and listening to the sounds of nature. I loved it!!
I'm on the upswing but I'm still weak. I get dizzy without expending much effort so it's still been a day of relaxing and letting my body heal from the chemotherapy. The thrush is still there but I think it was a little better today too. I'm still taking the Nystatin even though I don't like it. I have to take it after meals and it always ruins the wonderful taste of what I've eaten. Oh well, just a few more days and then I won't ever have to take it again!!
I'm hoping that if I behave and don't do anything tonight and tomorrow, I'll be able to attend my son's baseball game tomorrow if it isn't cancelled due to field conditions. I hope this weekend that I can start seeing people again. I would like to start talking to people face to face and maybe start collecting offline pledges for my Relay For Life team. For those who are interested in supporting me, you can check out the following link:
http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_ON_even_?px=4345136&pg=personal&fr_id=10558
I just want my life to come back to normal. I want to enjoy my children's activities. I want to putter in my garden and in the yard. I want to be able to do these things without getting weak and dizzy. I have been patient and I continue to be patient but now that I've come to the end of the chemotherapy,
I'm eagerly looking forward to LIVING life.
It's been a good day and I hope it will be a great weekend.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Day 8 - 6th Chemo Cycle
Today was another challenge. I'm still feeling very dizzy and weak when I'm standing or walking. I was able to sit up more today. Unfortunately, the nystatin that I'm taking for the thrush is affecting my taste buds and makes me nauseous. This ultimately affects my appetite. On top of that my body did not like the Senokot that I took last night and so I was purging today and feeling even weaker.
I've managed to sit up for the last 4 hours and this is an improvement. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day. I just keep looking ahead to Saturday or Sunday where I'll start to feel a little better. Just 2 more days to go.
I've managed to sit up for the last 4 hours and this is an improvement. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day. I just keep looking ahead to Saturday or Sunday where I'll start to feel a little better. Just 2 more days to go.
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Day 7 - 6th Chemo Cycle
Today has not been a good day. I've been dizzy with a headache since I woke up this morning. I've forced myself to eat but from lunch time onward I have felt nauseous. My appetite is declining. I spent most of today in bed and when I wasn't sleeping, I tried to read. My brain has not been up to thinking or meditating. I'm glad to know that by the end of the weekend, I'll be feeling better. This is a day to let myself be carried by my faith, family and friends.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Day 6 - 6th Chemo Cycle
I awoke this morning in very good spirits. This is odd because in all the other cycles on Day 6 I have fallen into a deep, dark hole for two days. So up I arose, full of optimism despite the dreary weather, to meet the new day. I was hungry which is again different than all the other 5 cycles I've endured. I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat for breakfast so I decided to do my daily readings out of "The Friendship Book 2012" and "The Book of Awakening" before eating. After I read in the mornings, I take some time to meditate and think about what I've read. Since the end of November 2011, my thoughts and ruminations have always been about what is going on in my life immediately. I haven't looked too far ahead. Today as I sat with my thoughts, I realized that I'm starting to look beyond the next two weeks. I find myself starting to look ahead to the future.
My stomach was now starting to grumble and I was craving an Egg McMuffin. So I made a fried egg sandwich and I didn't care about whether or not I should be eating eggs or bread or whatever because of the thrush. I took great pleasure in frying my egg over easy and then watching the cheddar cheese melt on the egg in the hot pan. The egg slid out of the pan onto my hot, buttered toast so easily. I sliced some fresh tomatoes and laid them over the cheese. I then cut some alfalfa sprouts from my tray that I planted in February and piled them on top of the tomatoes. To it all I added crispy romaine lettuce leaves and then topped with my other slice of toast. It was so good! I'm finding that throughout the last four to six months, colours are more vivid and when my taste buds are working food tastes marvelous. I finished my breakfast and had my thrush medication which unfortunately wiped out the wonderful taste of my breakfast. Oh well, it was good while it lasted.
At this point, I was tired out just from making my breakfast and cleaning it up. So what better opportunity to think deeply in the quietness of my morning. When I become still and peaceful, sometimes images and imagery come clearly to my thoughts. This morning, I envisioned myself as a butterfly getting ready to emerge from her cocoon with all the new possibilities for a better life. In some ways as I finish this chemotherapy and get stronger, I feel like a baby bird nesting on a cliff and getting ready to soar out above the water. What new possibilities and changes can I bring to my life? Do I want to consider a new career path? As I had these thoughts, I realized that I may be hindered by lack of energy. I've heard that recovering from chemotherapy and getting your full energy levels back takes a while. How long is a while? Three months? A year? Do I really have the energy and the desire to make a change in career? It's so easy to stay in the comfortable area of our lives. Do I really want to make drastic changes? What if the lymphoma returns? What if cancer comes back in another form? This is when I realized the "what ifs" can be caused by thinking too far ahead. So for today, I'll stay in my comfort zone and think to the end of May or maybe until the end of June. I do realize that I have been given an opportunity to have a new start and a new approach to life.
While I came to the end of my pondering moments, I realized I had a terrible headache. It felt just like when the last chemotherapy drug goes into me and I get a massive sinus headache. The headache is pinpointed right between the eyebrows. As I was sinking into the doldrums of pain, I realized that perhaps my Day 6 dark hole was just late in arriving. I then took a nap in the hopes of sleeping off the headache.
As my day progressed, I noticed that the headaches returned within 1 to 2 hours of taking the Nystatin. I'm assuming they are a temporary side effect. Great....a new side effect arrives just when you think you've figured out the whole ebb and flow of the treatment cycles. The rest of my day was spent resting and fighting headaches.
My stomach was now starting to grumble and I was craving an Egg McMuffin. So I made a fried egg sandwich and I didn't care about whether or not I should be eating eggs or bread or whatever because of the thrush. I took great pleasure in frying my egg over easy and then watching the cheddar cheese melt on the egg in the hot pan. The egg slid out of the pan onto my hot, buttered toast so easily. I sliced some fresh tomatoes and laid them over the cheese. I then cut some alfalfa sprouts from my tray that I planted in February and piled them on top of the tomatoes. To it all I added crispy romaine lettuce leaves and then topped with my other slice of toast. It was so good! I'm finding that throughout the last four to six months, colours are more vivid and when my taste buds are working food tastes marvelous. I finished my breakfast and had my thrush medication which unfortunately wiped out the wonderful taste of my breakfast. Oh well, it was good while it lasted.
At this point, I was tired out just from making my breakfast and cleaning it up. So what better opportunity to think deeply in the quietness of my morning. When I become still and peaceful, sometimes images and imagery come clearly to my thoughts. This morning, I envisioned myself as a butterfly getting ready to emerge from her cocoon with all the new possibilities for a better life. In some ways as I finish this chemotherapy and get stronger, I feel like a baby bird nesting on a cliff and getting ready to soar out above the water. What new possibilities and changes can I bring to my life? Do I want to consider a new career path? As I had these thoughts, I realized that I may be hindered by lack of energy. I've heard that recovering from chemotherapy and getting your full energy levels back takes a while. How long is a while? Three months? A year? Do I really have the energy and the desire to make a change in career? It's so easy to stay in the comfortable area of our lives. Do I really want to make drastic changes? What if the lymphoma returns? What if cancer comes back in another form? This is when I realized the "what ifs" can be caused by thinking too far ahead. So for today, I'll stay in my comfort zone and think to the end of May or maybe until the end of June. I do realize that I have been given an opportunity to have a new start and a new approach to life.
While I came to the end of my pondering moments, I realized I had a terrible headache. It felt just like when the last chemotherapy drug goes into me and I get a massive sinus headache. The headache is pinpointed right between the eyebrows. As I was sinking into the doldrums of pain, I realized that perhaps my Day 6 dark hole was just late in arriving. I then took a nap in the hopes of sleeping off the headache.
As my day progressed, I noticed that the headaches returned within 1 to 2 hours of taking the Nystatin. I'm assuming they are a temporary side effect. Great....a new side effect arrives just when you think you've figured out the whole ebb and flow of the treatment cycles. The rest of my day was spent resting and fighting headaches.
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