The last two days (Sunday and today) my right shoulder has been very sore. It is very uncomfortable to reach forward or downwards with my right arm. The shoulder "grabs" me and really hurts. I am a little paranoid about aches and pains now because I always wonder "Is the lymphoma coming back or is there another kind of cancer growing inside of me?" So as the shoulder was aching, I tried to logically think about it. I've been doing a lot of hedge trimming last week and I started trimming my shrubs. I cut the grass and then used the hand clippers to trim along the fences. I have always had bad knees so if I need to pull weeds by hand or trim the grass, I bend over from the waist and use my long arms to help me reach and pull the weeds or clip the grass. Maybe this is why my shoulder is sore.
I also had an appointment scheduled with my chiropractor so I decided to let him work on the shoulder. This morning I finished weeding my flowerbed using my hoe, shovel and hand cultivator. I was very tired afterwards so I took it easy for the rest of the day until I went to my chiropractor appointment. As I changed from my gardening clothes to my "going out" clothes, I noticed some swelling near the site of where the tumour was in my neck/collarbone area. As I felt around the swollen area, I felt a hard lump. I'm wondering if this is scar tissue or if the lymph node is becoming enlarged again. Or is it a lump of swollen tissue because of the gardening I've been doing. As I looked in the mirror and was feeling around, I started to feel scared and anxious.
I remember my oncologist telling me in one of my appointments during the chemotherapy cycles that the physiology (form) of that area of my neck will have changed due to the scar tissue and trauma to the area. I'm hoping that I'm just feeling the "new" physiology of the area. I have a check up with my doctor on Wednesday and I'll definitely be mentioning the swelling and lump that I felt earlier today. I don't want to be a "Nervous Nelly" but if it's going to return, I want to catch it early. I'm not singing anymore so I won't be able to feel any changes like the last time. I am glad that I have an appointment on Wednesday. I'm going to rest tomorrow and Wednesday. Maybe rest will make a difference to the swelling.
I have to remember to give my concerns and worries over to God to carry for me. I do this by combining some meditation techniques with prayer. I inhale deeply and slowly. As my lungs fill with air, I focus on my fears, worries and anxieties. As I exhale slowly, I visualize exhaling all those worries into God's hands until my lungs are empty. If I still feel tension within, I repeat the process and name each fear individually as I inhale slowly. As I exhale, I give God each fear individually. When I'm relaxed, then I thank God in prayer for His/Her love, support and all-encompassing care.
When I went to the chiropractor this afternoon, he at first thought it sounded like a rotator cuff until he started feeling the shoulder as he manipulated it. He could feel the knotted muscles. He worked at it and adjusted the shoulder, neck and back area. It started to feel looser and better almost immediately. He has given me some shoulder stretches to help keep it loose. In his words "all in moderation". I guess I've been working too hard in an effort to gain my strength and stamina. I think I even mentioned in Saturday's blog that I need to learn to balance between going "full throttle" and "full stop". Moderation. I guess I need to still learn how to do things in moderation. It seems I may be slow in learning all of this. You would think, being middle-aged, that I would not still be learning. But learning does make life interesting. So bring it on. I'm willing to learn and try to change and then embrace life fully.
Monday, 18 June 2012
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Father's Day and More Energy
Today was Father's Day. I am so very pleased with myself. My husband and son were away in Syracuse for baseball and arrived home early this afternoon. It was a beautiful warm day with a nice breeze. A perfect day for drying laundry and sitting on the patio. I did a load of laundry and it dried on the line within two hours. When my husband arrived home, I settled him on the patio and provided him with a nice cold beer after a long drive home.
This morning I had made a vegetable dip using my husband's favourite hot sauce, Arizona Gunslinger Hot Sauce. I also incorporated this sauce into the devilled eggs that I made to go with dinner. Knowing that he likes peanut butter and raisins, I resurrected the children's snack called "Ants On A Log" which is a length of celery filled with peanut butter and topped with raisins. We snacked on these along with the raw vegetables and dip in the afternoon.
Dinner consisted of barbecued Sweet and Sour Spareribs along with baked potatoes with sour cream and bacon bits as well as Glazed Dill and Cilantro Carrots. I had planned to have dessert baking on the barbecue while we were eating but decided to wait and see if anyone wanted dessert. Good thing I waited as we were all too full for dessert.
After dinner, I went to the ball field to watch my husband and son play 3-Pitch softball. I played on this team for the last three years and felt the urge to play catch before the game started. A girl on the opposing team suffered a minor injury and I thought to myself, I could play for them if she's unable to continue so they don't have to forfeit the game. Then the more sane part of myself told me that I am not in any shape yet to play softball. I might be able to catch. I might be able to bat although that is questionable. But I would not be able to handle running the bases or playing the outfield. I will be helping one of our team members to warm up her throwing arm before the next game. This will give me a taste of playing again. But for tonight, I kept score.
I am tired tonight but am very pleased with what energy I had today. I was afraid that after the yard work that I completed yesterday, I would be very lethargic and tired today. I did feel tired after I had cleaned up from dinner but I still had enough energy to enjoy watching my old team. So today was a great day spent with my family. I was so pleased that I was able to make a special meal for my husband on Father's Day. He has looked after me so well in the last several months and I'm glad that I am getting strong enough and have enough stamina to return the favour.
This morning I had made a vegetable dip using my husband's favourite hot sauce, Arizona Gunslinger Hot Sauce. I also incorporated this sauce into the devilled eggs that I made to go with dinner. Knowing that he likes peanut butter and raisins, I resurrected the children's snack called "Ants On A Log" which is a length of celery filled with peanut butter and topped with raisins. We snacked on these along with the raw vegetables and dip in the afternoon.
Dinner consisted of barbecued Sweet and Sour Spareribs along with baked potatoes with sour cream and bacon bits as well as Glazed Dill and Cilantro Carrots. I had planned to have dessert baking on the barbecue while we were eating but decided to wait and see if anyone wanted dessert. Good thing I waited as we were all too full for dessert.
After dinner, I went to the ball field to watch my husband and son play 3-Pitch softball. I played on this team for the last three years and felt the urge to play catch before the game started. A girl on the opposing team suffered a minor injury and I thought to myself, I could play for them if she's unable to continue so they don't have to forfeit the game. Then the more sane part of myself told me that I am not in any shape yet to play softball. I might be able to catch. I might be able to bat although that is questionable. But I would not be able to handle running the bases or playing the outfield. I will be helping one of our team members to warm up her throwing arm before the next game. This will give me a taste of playing again. But for tonight, I kept score.
I am tired tonight but am very pleased with what energy I had today. I was afraid that after the yard work that I completed yesterday, I would be very lethargic and tired today. I did feel tired after I had cleaned up from dinner but I still had enough energy to enjoy watching my old team. So today was a great day spent with my family. I was so pleased that I was able to make a special meal for my husband on Father's Day. He has looked after me so well in the last several months and I'm glad that I am getting strong enough and have enough stamina to return the favour.
Saturday, 16 June 2012
More Improvement & Anxiety
Yesterday, I had a quiet day and as a result, I had energy today. I cut the grass without any breaks and did it in 45 minutes! Our trimmer wasn't working, so I trimmed by hand with my grass cutting shears the grass that had grown up and weaved itself throughout the chain link fences around our property. It was a good day. As I rested on our patio at the end of the day, I saw a robin flying in and out of our grapevines. She is building a nest! That will be more developments that I can watch over the next several weeks.
On Thursday, I watched a program on CBC,called Doc Zone, about the prevalence of anxiety in our society. It left the viewer (me) with the question of why is there so much more anxiety being diagnosed compared to a generation or two ago. I mulled this question over throughout the last couple of days. It is appropriate that this subject has come up as it is one that I thought about throughout my diagnostic tests and chemotherapy treatments in the last six months.
Our society is one that believes a person must be busy at all times in order to be productive. We praise multitaskers. We believe in competition at the highest levels at all times and in all things. Society strives for perfection in all things such as perfect looks (you see very few females of any age going outside of their bedrooms with no makeup), perfect jobs, perfect houses perfect yards, and perfect children with perfect grades. We have to constantly be "on". On top of all that, we have helicopter parents that hover over their children at all times and at all ages. The children are not left alone for a moment so that they can learn to go responsibly out into the world and develop their confidence. As a result, we have teenagers and young adults who arrive at post-secondary education or start a job with no confidence and they are filled with fear of failing and anxiety. As the program pointed out, people are having panic attacks and anxiety disorders as their bodies go into "fight or flight" mode.
Add to the "fight or flight" mode, the fact that parents allow children to watch explicit violence on television programs, movies and video games and in my mind, it is no wonder that by the time children are teenagers and young adults, their bodies are strung tight like a guitar string. As for the adults, they are often living beyond their means in an effort to have the perfect, large house which then needs hired cleaning/yard help and all the latest and chic furniture and knick knacks to fill it. My parents used to call this "keeping up with the Joneses". I don't know who the Jones were, but I never did keep up with them. The financial stress that adults are facing is unbearable as they carry high mortgages and credit cards that are filled to the limit in an effort to have everything. When you add to this mix all the external stimuli which is in our culture, you have worried, tense and overstimulated people.
The CBC program went on to say that doctors are routinely prescribing pills to cure the anxiety rather than encouraging cognitive behavioural therapy which takes longer to cure the anxiety. Our society is obsessed with instant gratification. So a pill works faster as the patients want a cure NOW. I totally understand having anxiety. We were burglarized when my son was about 1 1/2 years old. We had gone out for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon in the Fall of 1995. When we arrived home, our CD player was gone and CD's were scattered on the floor. Other items were also stolen. We did not own a lot of "nice" things at the time but what we did have had sentimental value. Two small brass rocking horses were stolen and they had been given to me by a dear friend who had died of cancer. Our son's favourite Disney video was stolen. We didn't have very many of those at the time. Our camera was stolen and it had our son's first visit to the beach on it. Other items of sentimental value were also stolen. After the burglary, I couldn't sleep at night. I was always listening to hear someone trying to break in. I was on edge and anxious all the time. My doctor prescribed an anti-anxiety medication for me but I didn't want to rely on medication forever. I wanted to learn to handle my thoughts. I eventually got over my anxiety as I learned to self-talk myself out of my "silliness". I don't really mean what I thought and felt was silly. I mean that it helped to talk within about how illogical my thinking was. I found the anti-anxiety pills made life "gray". I didn't feel the anxiety as deeply but I also didn't love as deeply or passionately. I didn't feel sorrow as deeply. I felt like part of me was missing.
I was definitely dealing with anxiety again in December of 2011 as I went for diagnostic tests to determine what kind of cancer I had. I'm so glad that I felt deeply and was cognizantly aware. This helped me to contemplate and think and make changes to relieve the daily stress and pressure that I have lived with for the last several years.
My thoughts regarding anxiety over the last couple of days have led me to sincerely believe that if our society slowed down, there would be less people suffering from anxiety and stress. We need to realize that it is OK to not be perfect. We should all schedule quiet time into our day. For some people this may mean spending time meditating or praying. For others, it may mean communing with nature or reading a good book. I think that in addition to daily quiet time, we should all have a full day of rest once a week. This is hard to do because we can do our banking and shopping seven days a week. Our day of rest should mean exactly that. Resting. The day of rest should not be a day to cram it full of errands, chores and activities. It should be a complete day of rest to recharge our bodies, minds and souls. This is really hard to do. As I'm recovering from my chemotherapy and getting stronger, I have days that I have no energy to do anything. I'm forced to have a day of rest. When I have my day of rest, I feel lazy and guilty as I think of all the things that I should be doing. This is when I need the quiet time to stop and contemplate life and how to make it less stressful and less busy.
I am still trying to strike a balance between being non-stop busy and practising one of the seven deadly sins called sloth. I have to remind myself that a day of rest does not make me idle or lazy. Of course, our society does not encourage us to have a full day off without "doing" anything.
On Thursday, I watched a program on CBC,called Doc Zone, about the prevalence of anxiety in our society. It left the viewer (me) with the question of why is there so much more anxiety being diagnosed compared to a generation or two ago. I mulled this question over throughout the last couple of days. It is appropriate that this subject has come up as it is one that I thought about throughout my diagnostic tests and chemotherapy treatments in the last six months.
Our society is one that believes a person must be busy at all times in order to be productive. We praise multitaskers. We believe in competition at the highest levels at all times and in all things. Society strives for perfection in all things such as perfect looks (you see very few females of any age going outside of their bedrooms with no makeup), perfect jobs, perfect houses perfect yards, and perfect children with perfect grades. We have to constantly be "on". On top of all that, we have helicopter parents that hover over their children at all times and at all ages. The children are not left alone for a moment so that they can learn to go responsibly out into the world and develop their confidence. As a result, we have teenagers and young adults who arrive at post-secondary education or start a job with no confidence and they are filled with fear of failing and anxiety. As the program pointed out, people are having panic attacks and anxiety disorders as their bodies go into "fight or flight" mode.
Add to the "fight or flight" mode, the fact that parents allow children to watch explicit violence on television programs, movies and video games and in my mind, it is no wonder that by the time children are teenagers and young adults, their bodies are strung tight like a guitar string. As for the adults, they are often living beyond their means in an effort to have the perfect, large house which then needs hired cleaning/yard help and all the latest and chic furniture and knick knacks to fill it. My parents used to call this "keeping up with the Joneses". I don't know who the Jones were, but I never did keep up with them. The financial stress that adults are facing is unbearable as they carry high mortgages and credit cards that are filled to the limit in an effort to have everything. When you add to this mix all the external stimuli which is in our culture, you have worried, tense and overstimulated people.
The CBC program went on to say that doctors are routinely prescribing pills to cure the anxiety rather than encouraging cognitive behavioural therapy which takes longer to cure the anxiety. Our society is obsessed with instant gratification. So a pill works faster as the patients want a cure NOW. I totally understand having anxiety. We were burglarized when my son was about 1 1/2 years old. We had gone out for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon in the Fall of 1995. When we arrived home, our CD player was gone and CD's were scattered on the floor. Other items were also stolen. We did not own a lot of "nice" things at the time but what we did have had sentimental value. Two small brass rocking horses were stolen and they had been given to me by a dear friend who had died of cancer. Our son's favourite Disney video was stolen. We didn't have very many of those at the time. Our camera was stolen and it had our son's first visit to the beach on it. Other items of sentimental value were also stolen. After the burglary, I couldn't sleep at night. I was always listening to hear someone trying to break in. I was on edge and anxious all the time. My doctor prescribed an anti-anxiety medication for me but I didn't want to rely on medication forever. I wanted to learn to handle my thoughts. I eventually got over my anxiety as I learned to self-talk myself out of my "silliness". I don't really mean what I thought and felt was silly. I mean that it helped to talk within about how illogical my thinking was. I found the anti-anxiety pills made life "gray". I didn't feel the anxiety as deeply but I also didn't love as deeply or passionately. I didn't feel sorrow as deeply. I felt like part of me was missing.
I was definitely dealing with anxiety again in December of 2011 as I went for diagnostic tests to determine what kind of cancer I had. I'm so glad that I felt deeply and was cognizantly aware. This helped me to contemplate and think and make changes to relieve the daily stress and pressure that I have lived with for the last several years.
My thoughts regarding anxiety over the last couple of days have led me to sincerely believe that if our society slowed down, there would be less people suffering from anxiety and stress. We need to realize that it is OK to not be perfect. We should all schedule quiet time into our day. For some people this may mean spending time meditating or praying. For others, it may mean communing with nature or reading a good book. I think that in addition to daily quiet time, we should all have a full day of rest once a week. This is hard to do because we can do our banking and shopping seven days a week. Our day of rest should mean exactly that. Resting. The day of rest should not be a day to cram it full of errands, chores and activities. It should be a complete day of rest to recharge our bodies, minds and souls. This is really hard to do. As I'm recovering from my chemotherapy and getting stronger, I have days that I have no energy to do anything. I'm forced to have a day of rest. When I have my day of rest, I feel lazy and guilty as I think of all the things that I should be doing. This is when I need the quiet time to stop and contemplate life and how to make it less stressful and less busy.
I am still trying to strike a balance between being non-stop busy and practising one of the seven deadly sins called sloth. I have to remind myself that a day of rest does not make me idle or lazy. Of course, our society does not encourage us to have a full day off without "doing" anything.
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Enjoying Friends
When I awoke this morning, I was still very tired. My shoulder, arm and hand muscles were all stiff and sore from working on the hedge yesterday. I decided I was going to take it easy today so that I could go to my church choir party tonight. This decision to rest today was based on my body telling me it was tired.
I did do a load of laundry and enjoyed hanging it outside. It was a sunny day but with a very comfortable, moderate temperature. By late morning, my energy levels were rebounding and I was motivated to finish trimming my hedge. It is finally done and it didn't take very long because there wasn't much left to trim. After having some lunch, I still had excess energy so I decided to start trimming my shrubs at the front of the house. I did pace myself and trimmed my two forsythia bushes. I still have my two weigela shrubs, bridal wreath spirea and ivory halo dogwood shrub to prune. My weigela didn't bloom this year and so I think I will be looking into fertilizing it as well. But I digress. As I was pruning my second forsythia, a neighbour arrived home and I haven't talked to her in a very long time.
Her husband died in the Fall of pancreatic cancer and I only found out about it this Spring. I waved at her and she hollered "hello" across the street. I still can't project my voice that far so I crossed the street to chat with her. We started to visit and she invited me to join her in her back yard in the shade to continue our visit. I was so proud of myself that I just left my gloves and shears laying my yard and I didn't worry about it. As we sat on her deck, I took my hat off as I was getting hot but sitting in the shade, I could cool my head off and not get sunburned. This was casually done without me really thinking about it all while we continued to visit. She was sharing with me her experience with her husband's symptoms and eventual diagnosis. I was so intent on listening that I didn't think about not having much hair. Once my hat came off, she stumbled in her narrative and then she stopped talking and just stared at me. I then realized that I had no hat on and I obviously didn't have much hair. She asked me "Is there a reason that you cut your hair so short?" For some reason, I thought she knew about my diagnosis. Obviously she didn't. So I said "Yes, my hair fell out when I had chemo this past Winter to treat my lymphoma." I asked her to continue sharing her story with me. I would share mine once she was finished because I really wanted to know about her struggle and adjustment. She is alone and is a very warm, friendly person.
We shared tears and comforted each other in our short visit. She only had 48 days with her husband after his diagnosis. She shared with me that her daughter is engaged but is struggling with the fact that her father won't be walking her down the aisle. I totally understand my friend's pain as well as her daughter's pain. I lost my father to lung cancer just three months before I was married when I was 27 years old. I shared with my friend my belief that her husband would be at the wedding in spirit. I truly believe this. My friend shared with me that she is now retired and we ended our visit with promises to have impromptu chats. I'm invited to drop by when I see her truck in the driveway and she is invited to drop by when she sees my van in my driveway. Although this was an emotionally draining visit, I was glad that I had been spontaneous and gone to her home.
After my visit, I returned to my forsythia bush and finished pruning it. It was therapeutic as I processed the remnants of emotion from my visit with my neighbour friend. Good thing because at that point my son returned home from school with our van and I was able to get him to deliver all the plant trimmings from the hedge and the shrubs to the city's composting site. Although my body was weary, I wasn't as tired as when I had worked on the hedge yesterday.
In fact, I still had enough energy to make supper and then a dessert for the choir party which is a dessert potluck. In the midst of this, my son needed to be delivered to the local baseball park so that he could umpire tonight. Just as we left the house to go to the van, my husband returned from his week out of town on business. What a nice surprise as I didn't expect him to arrive until much later! So my husband was able to accompany me to the party.
Was it ever nice to arrive at the party and see my friends from the choir! The evening passed very quickly and I must admit that after a couple of hours, I was getting weary. My full day was catching up with me. I'm so glad that I went to the party. I enjoyed visiting with all my friends and I realized how much I miss singing in the choir.
It's been a tiring day but it's been a fulfilling day. In sharing with my neighbour friend and listening to her, I was able to see how my struggles really helped me be empathetic and I hope a comfort to her. It's been a great day. I had planned to write about a documentary on anxiety that I watched today but I'll leave that for another post.
I did do a load of laundry and enjoyed hanging it outside. It was a sunny day but with a very comfortable, moderate temperature. By late morning, my energy levels were rebounding and I was motivated to finish trimming my hedge. It is finally done and it didn't take very long because there wasn't much left to trim. After having some lunch, I still had excess energy so I decided to start trimming my shrubs at the front of the house. I did pace myself and trimmed my two forsythia bushes. I still have my two weigela shrubs, bridal wreath spirea and ivory halo dogwood shrub to prune. My weigela didn't bloom this year and so I think I will be looking into fertilizing it as well. But I digress. As I was pruning my second forsythia, a neighbour arrived home and I haven't talked to her in a very long time.
Her husband died in the Fall of pancreatic cancer and I only found out about it this Spring. I waved at her and she hollered "hello" across the street. I still can't project my voice that far so I crossed the street to chat with her. We started to visit and she invited me to join her in her back yard in the shade to continue our visit. I was so proud of myself that I just left my gloves and shears laying my yard and I didn't worry about it. As we sat on her deck, I took my hat off as I was getting hot but sitting in the shade, I could cool my head off and not get sunburned. This was casually done without me really thinking about it all while we continued to visit. She was sharing with me her experience with her husband's symptoms and eventual diagnosis. I was so intent on listening that I didn't think about not having much hair. Once my hat came off, she stumbled in her narrative and then she stopped talking and just stared at me. I then realized that I had no hat on and I obviously didn't have much hair. She asked me "Is there a reason that you cut your hair so short?" For some reason, I thought she knew about my diagnosis. Obviously she didn't. So I said "Yes, my hair fell out when I had chemo this past Winter to treat my lymphoma." I asked her to continue sharing her story with me. I would share mine once she was finished because I really wanted to know about her struggle and adjustment. She is alone and is a very warm, friendly person.
We shared tears and comforted each other in our short visit. She only had 48 days with her husband after his diagnosis. She shared with me that her daughter is engaged but is struggling with the fact that her father won't be walking her down the aisle. I totally understand my friend's pain as well as her daughter's pain. I lost my father to lung cancer just three months before I was married when I was 27 years old. I shared with my friend my belief that her husband would be at the wedding in spirit. I truly believe this. My friend shared with me that she is now retired and we ended our visit with promises to have impromptu chats. I'm invited to drop by when I see her truck in the driveway and she is invited to drop by when she sees my van in my driveway. Although this was an emotionally draining visit, I was glad that I had been spontaneous and gone to her home.
After my visit, I returned to my forsythia bush and finished pruning it. It was therapeutic as I processed the remnants of emotion from my visit with my neighbour friend. Good thing because at that point my son returned home from school with our van and I was able to get him to deliver all the plant trimmings from the hedge and the shrubs to the city's composting site. Although my body was weary, I wasn't as tired as when I had worked on the hedge yesterday.
In fact, I still had enough energy to make supper and then a dessert for the choir party which is a dessert potluck. In the midst of this, my son needed to be delivered to the local baseball park so that he could umpire tonight. Just as we left the house to go to the van, my husband returned from his week out of town on business. What a nice surprise as I didn't expect him to arrive until much later! So my husband was able to accompany me to the party.
Was it ever nice to arrive at the party and see my friends from the choir! The evening passed very quickly and I must admit that after a couple of hours, I was getting weary. My full day was catching up with me. I'm so glad that I went to the party. I enjoyed visiting with all my friends and I realized how much I miss singing in the choir.
It's been a tiring day but it's been a fulfilling day. In sharing with my neighbour friend and listening to her, I was able to see how my struggles really helped me be empathetic and I hope a comfort to her. It's been a great day. I had planned to write about a documentary on anxiety that I watched today but I'll leave that for another post.
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
A Mother/Daughter Date
While I was undergoing my chemotherapy, my daughter wanted to go out with me for some poutine. I was not up to eating poutine at that time so I promised her that when I was finished my chemo and feeling better, we would have a mother/daughter night and go out for some poutine. So tonight was our planned "date".
But first, I'll regale you about my day. I woke up early this morning nice and refreshed. I had truly put behind me the negativity of yesterday morning. The sun was shining brightly and you could see the dampness and freshness of yesterday's rain on the lawns, trees and gardens. I decided to work on my hedge. I really do like working on it although it takes a long time to trim. As I tirm, I listen to the birds and take pleasure in the neatness of the hedge that has been finished. What makes my hedge saga prolonged is the weakness of my muscles and my stamina. After I work on the hedge, my hands are very weak and achy. Today I was able to work for about 45 minutes before I felt tired and hot. This seemed to be less than what I was able to do last week. Oh well, I just paced myself today. I didn't want to overdo it as I had a long awaited evening with my daughter to look forward to.
While I work outdoors, I do still have to wear a hat for two reasons. I need to make sure that I don't get my face sunburned but I also have to worry about my scalp being sunburned. I don't have enough hair on my head yet to protect my scalp. Speaking of my hair, I talked to a breast cancer survivor at the Survivors' Reception at the Relay For Life and she told me that I should shave my head. Apparently the first growth of hair is still affected by the chemotherapy and is lacking its pigment. In order to promote the growth of the permanent colour, the first growth of hair should be shaved off. My husband was talking with another breast cancer survivor last night and she also mentioned that my hair should be shaved off in order to stimulate the new pigment and growth. I'm not sure about this and I do have an appointment with my oncologist next week. I'll ask him about it. My hair is not growing in white but is a reddish bronze colour on the top but strawberry blond on the sides. The top looks like it is going to be curly and the sides look straight. I'm still waiting to see how thick it will be. I don't really want to shave my head and be hairless again. I'm hoping that my hair is growing in with pigment already in it. If my oncologist thinks that it is lacking pigment, then I'll go get it shaved.
When my daughter arrived home from school today, she indicated that she had lots of homework. We agreed to go for our dinner of poutine later in the evening so she could finish her homework. We ended up going before she was done as she was needing a break. We had an unhealthy supper of poutine and chocolate milkshakes. Afterwards, we walked through the mall and did a little bit of shopping. We had a good time together and it was wonderful! Unfortunately, we needed to get home so she could finish her homework and I had some mending to do which I had put off as long as I could. It needed to get done tonight.
Today was a good day and although I'm tired, I feel very satisfied.
But first, I'll regale you about my day. I woke up early this morning nice and refreshed. I had truly put behind me the negativity of yesterday morning. The sun was shining brightly and you could see the dampness and freshness of yesterday's rain on the lawns, trees and gardens. I decided to work on my hedge. I really do like working on it although it takes a long time to trim. As I tirm, I listen to the birds and take pleasure in the neatness of the hedge that has been finished. What makes my hedge saga prolonged is the weakness of my muscles and my stamina. After I work on the hedge, my hands are very weak and achy. Today I was able to work for about 45 minutes before I felt tired and hot. This seemed to be less than what I was able to do last week. Oh well, I just paced myself today. I didn't want to overdo it as I had a long awaited evening with my daughter to look forward to.
While I work outdoors, I do still have to wear a hat for two reasons. I need to make sure that I don't get my face sunburned but I also have to worry about my scalp being sunburned. I don't have enough hair on my head yet to protect my scalp. Speaking of my hair, I talked to a breast cancer survivor at the Survivors' Reception at the Relay For Life and she told me that I should shave my head. Apparently the first growth of hair is still affected by the chemotherapy and is lacking its pigment. In order to promote the growth of the permanent colour, the first growth of hair should be shaved off. My husband was talking with another breast cancer survivor last night and she also mentioned that my hair should be shaved off in order to stimulate the new pigment and growth. I'm not sure about this and I do have an appointment with my oncologist next week. I'll ask him about it. My hair is not growing in white but is a reddish bronze colour on the top but strawberry blond on the sides. The top looks like it is going to be curly and the sides look straight. I'm still waiting to see how thick it will be. I don't really want to shave my head and be hairless again. I'm hoping that my hair is growing in with pigment already in it. If my oncologist thinks that it is lacking pigment, then I'll go get it shaved.
When my daughter arrived home from school today, she indicated that she had lots of homework. We agreed to go for our dinner of poutine later in the evening so she could finish her homework. We ended up going before she was done as she was needing a break. We had an unhealthy supper of poutine and chocolate milkshakes. Afterwards, we walked through the mall and did a little bit of shopping. We had a good time together and it was wonderful! Unfortunately, we needed to get home so she could finish her homework and I had some mending to do which I had put off as long as I could. It needed to get done tonight.
Today was a good day and although I'm tired, I feel very satisfied.
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Overcoming Adversity
Throughout my lifetime so far, I've had too many times of upheaval and struggle. As a child, I was bullied and had to learn to keep my head high despite being thoroughly scared and apologetic. As an adult, I've dealt with many personal issues and as a result have become a better person. These last several months with lymphoma and chemotherapy is another one of those moments of struggle and upheaval. I've learned to become more open and vulnerable with those around me which includes family and friends. While I've gone through my treatments and writing my blog, I've also learned to express my heartfelt opinions even though they may not be popular. Sometimes, I've had to defend my opinions and this is a new area for me. I used to just agree with people even though I may not have agreed inside. I didn't want to open myself up to ridicule or create dissension and conflict around me. As I've mentioned before, I'm more tearful and my emotions are very close to the surface since I've finished the chemotherapy.
The last few weeks, I've been less introspective and have focused more on blogging about my activities, my strength and my stamina. Today I had a hard knock to my emotions. Since finishing my treatment, I've been doing some health maintenance with my family doctor. Today I went to have some regular blood work done. Nothing too important, just regular maintenance. I went to the medical clinic to have my blood taken and tested for the results to be sent to my family doctor. I decided to go without a hat today as I've got enough hair showing that you can see it now. I felt very comfortable going without the hat. I was thinking this is another milestone reached. When I arrived at the clinic just after 9 a.m., it was pretty busy. That was fine as I don't have any restrictions on my time. I took the number and as I was walking to one of two empty chairs to wait, I heard an old lady whisper loudly, "I hate women who shave their heads!". My hair is growing in and I currently look like a "skin head". So it looks like I shave my head to a small amount of hair being visible. Anyway, I heard this woman's comment and I was shocked! I sat down and I looked over at her to see her staring at me with daggers. All I could think was how much I wanted to respond to her with "And I hated having cancer!" It took all my self-control to keep silent. With a very full waiting room, I didn't want to make a scene and fall to pieces. So I absorbed the comment and was filled with an unbelievable amount of embarrassment and hurt. I wished I had worn my hat. Whenever I glanced up, I felt like people were watching me. The old woman kept looking over at me. As I watched her, I thought she really looks unhappy and full of anger. I wondered why she would be this way. When my number was called, I felt relief because now I could escape from this horrible situation. Unfortunately, the number was just to hand in the requisition and register me into the line. I had to go sit down again. It has been a long time since I have felt so ashamed and I wanted to cower. I found myself staring at the floor and refusing to look up at people. As I waited for my name to be called, I continued to feel hurt but the anger was starting to overtake it. Unfortunately, I was a little abrupt with the receptionist when my name was called. I immediately felt contrite but I didn't apologize for my abruptness. My blood was taken and I was sent on my way. The reason I was abrupt with the receptionist was that she informed me I also had to give a urine sample. I was not prepared for that and had to take the bottle home.
I struggled with a myriad of emotions for the next two hours. I felt like I'd lost all my self-esteem. I was hurt, angry and embarrassed. I couldn't seem to stop crying. The tears were quietly slipping down my cheeks and I couldn't seem to stop them. My daughter was home from school because she wasn't feeling well. She was so supportive and encouraging. Through the support of some wonderful friends and my family, I worked my way through this quagmire of emotions and I came out the other side with my self-esteem intact. I agree with some of my friends that say I should have retorted back to the woman in the waiting room. If nothing else, it would have educated her. However, I was shocked and couldn't find the voice or strength to confront her. On the flip side, I think to offer a retort would only have perpetuated the negative attitudes. I truly felt like a flowerbud about to open in the sunshine and warmth of healing and recovery, only to be trampled on and have the fragile petals crushed. Tonight, I'm back to being the flowerbud that is in the process of opening.
Through this whole experience today, I am reminded about how our words and actions are like pebbles dropped into the water with the result of far reaching ripples. When I returned to the clinic with my sample this afternoon, I was glad to see the same receptionist working the desk. I handed her the sample and I smiled and apologized for being grumpy and abrupt this morning with her. Generally, I try to rise above the residue of someone's bad demeanour, mood or personality. Many times I am not successful and I know that their negativity is contagious. Today I eventually rose above it through the love and encouragement of my family and friends.
After much thought, I'm glad I didn't respond to the woman in the waiting room. I know myself too well. I would have felt immediate satisfaction by putting her in her place but I would also have felt guilt and sadness that I had lowered myself to her standards. Tonight, I can proudly say that I left with my metal shield of integrity battered and dented, but still strong. There is only one thing that still echoes within me from today. I used to have a hard outer shell which protected me from people like that woman today. I don't necessarily want the hard outer shell anymore but I need to find a way to deflect the negative attitudes of people I'll meet. This appears to be another "project" for me to work on so that I can improve myself. As I look at it this way, then meeting the woman today is part of a learning experience and without that interaction (not that I want to relive it), I would not have the opportunity to grow and improve.
I'll finish tonight with my Encircling Prayer which I need to remember to practice each morning.
"The Sacred Three my fortress be
Encircling me.
Come and be round
my hearth and my home."
The last few weeks, I've been less introspective and have focused more on blogging about my activities, my strength and my stamina. Today I had a hard knock to my emotions. Since finishing my treatment, I've been doing some health maintenance with my family doctor. Today I went to have some regular blood work done. Nothing too important, just regular maintenance. I went to the medical clinic to have my blood taken and tested for the results to be sent to my family doctor. I decided to go without a hat today as I've got enough hair showing that you can see it now. I felt very comfortable going without the hat. I was thinking this is another milestone reached. When I arrived at the clinic just after 9 a.m., it was pretty busy. That was fine as I don't have any restrictions on my time. I took the number and as I was walking to one of two empty chairs to wait, I heard an old lady whisper loudly, "I hate women who shave their heads!". My hair is growing in and I currently look like a "skin head". So it looks like I shave my head to a small amount of hair being visible. Anyway, I heard this woman's comment and I was shocked! I sat down and I looked over at her to see her staring at me with daggers. All I could think was how much I wanted to respond to her with "And I hated having cancer!" It took all my self-control to keep silent. With a very full waiting room, I didn't want to make a scene and fall to pieces. So I absorbed the comment and was filled with an unbelievable amount of embarrassment and hurt. I wished I had worn my hat. Whenever I glanced up, I felt like people were watching me. The old woman kept looking over at me. As I watched her, I thought she really looks unhappy and full of anger. I wondered why she would be this way. When my number was called, I felt relief because now I could escape from this horrible situation. Unfortunately, the number was just to hand in the requisition and register me into the line. I had to go sit down again. It has been a long time since I have felt so ashamed and I wanted to cower. I found myself staring at the floor and refusing to look up at people. As I waited for my name to be called, I continued to feel hurt but the anger was starting to overtake it. Unfortunately, I was a little abrupt with the receptionist when my name was called. I immediately felt contrite but I didn't apologize for my abruptness. My blood was taken and I was sent on my way. The reason I was abrupt with the receptionist was that she informed me I also had to give a urine sample. I was not prepared for that and had to take the bottle home.
I struggled with a myriad of emotions for the next two hours. I felt like I'd lost all my self-esteem. I was hurt, angry and embarrassed. I couldn't seem to stop crying. The tears were quietly slipping down my cheeks and I couldn't seem to stop them. My daughter was home from school because she wasn't feeling well. She was so supportive and encouraging. Through the support of some wonderful friends and my family, I worked my way through this quagmire of emotions and I came out the other side with my self-esteem intact. I agree with some of my friends that say I should have retorted back to the woman in the waiting room. If nothing else, it would have educated her. However, I was shocked and couldn't find the voice or strength to confront her. On the flip side, I think to offer a retort would only have perpetuated the negative attitudes. I truly felt like a flowerbud about to open in the sunshine and warmth of healing and recovery, only to be trampled on and have the fragile petals crushed. Tonight, I'm back to being the flowerbud that is in the process of opening.
Through this whole experience today, I am reminded about how our words and actions are like pebbles dropped into the water with the result of far reaching ripples. When I returned to the clinic with my sample this afternoon, I was glad to see the same receptionist working the desk. I handed her the sample and I smiled and apologized for being grumpy and abrupt this morning with her. Generally, I try to rise above the residue of someone's bad demeanour, mood or personality. Many times I am not successful and I know that their negativity is contagious. Today I eventually rose above it through the love and encouragement of my family and friends.
After much thought, I'm glad I didn't respond to the woman in the waiting room. I know myself too well. I would have felt immediate satisfaction by putting her in her place but I would also have felt guilt and sadness that I had lowered myself to her standards. Tonight, I can proudly say that I left with my metal shield of integrity battered and dented, but still strong. There is only one thing that still echoes within me from today. I used to have a hard outer shell which protected me from people like that woman today. I don't necessarily want the hard outer shell anymore but I need to find a way to deflect the negative attitudes of people I'll meet. This appears to be another "project" for me to work on so that I can improve myself. As I look at it this way, then meeting the woman today is part of a learning experience and without that interaction (not that I want to relive it), I would not have the opportunity to grow and improve.
I'll finish tonight with my Encircling Prayer which I need to remember to practice each morning.
"The Sacred Three my fortress be
Encircling me.
Come and be round
my hearth and my home."
Sunday, 10 June 2012
A Relaxing Day Outdoors
I managed to get four hours of sleep last night between 5 and 9 a.m. As a result, I was very tired and lethargic today. That was all right because I had worked hard for the last few days and deserved a day off. Yesterday, I mentioned that I had hoped to go to church this morning but my plans had to be changed due to the noise level in the neighbourhood until early this morning combined with my husband's snoring and the singing of the early morning birds. However, I spent my day on the patio watching the squirrels and the birds. I find spending time in nature is similar to visiting God's house and I connect spiritually with the world around me just as if I'd attended church. I know that I dozed in the shade on the lounger as well .
My morning started on the patio with a cup of coffee and the crossword puzzle from Saturday's paper. As I contemplated the clues and worked on the crossword, I could feel the breeze ruffle the small amount of hair on my head. The hair appears to be a combination of strawberry blond and brown. I continued to enjoy my coffee and the crossword puzzle in the shade on my patio. I would look up and see the robins flying through the yard or the grackles hopping around near the bird feeder.
At one point, I looked up because I heard a gutteral sound that appeared to sound like "MAWm" "MAWm"! This reminded me of my daughter when she was younger and would repeatedly call "MOM, MOM" until I showed her attention. Anyway, when I looked up from my crossword puzzle this morning, I saw two young grackles following their beleaguered mother with their beaks wide open. Even from a distance, I could see the gaping, glistening red of the inside of their throats. The poor mother grackle kept hopping away and looking on the ground for leftover seed from the feeder. The baby grackles did not let up their badgering of their mother. She finally turned and would feed one of the babies and then would hurriedly hop away. My husband and I watched this panorama with amusement. It was like the mother grackle was trying to push the babies away and make them accountable for getting their own food. This scene was played out many times throughout the day today. By late afternoon, the mother grackle was ignoring the babies and they started to pick up the leftover seeds off the ground themselves. As I watched, I realized that even human mothers have to teach their children hard lessons when it comes time to become more independent. Much as it is hard to ignore our children, we sometimes need to ignore and walk away so our children will learn to figure out a problem on their own or feed themselves. I don't mean we abandon our children. We do teach them the skills to survive first but at some point we need to give them the opportunity to succeed without our help. This might mean making a meal for themselves while they still live with us so they have a safe place to learn. I just found it interesting today to see the parallels between nature and ourselves.
Later this afternoon, my husband and I were watching the antics of two squirrels at the bird feeder. One squirrel was very happy to stay on the ground and forage the seeds off the ground. The other squirrel was a little more courageous and adventuresome. He figured out that he could run up the trunk of the tree and scamper out onto the limb which is holding the bird feeder. Our feeder is hooked onto a long, thin metal "S" hook. One end of the hook hooks over the limb and the other end of the "S" hook holds the cable of the bird feeder. Anyway, this bold squirrel scampered out onto the limb and then down the thin metal rod of the "S" hook. The squirrel landed on the top of the feeder and then worked his way down to the very narrow ledge of the feeder. He balanced precariously using his clawed feet and then took the seeds directly from the bird feeder with his mouth. As we watched, his front claws slipped and he was hanging upside down from the feeder like a gymnast hanging on by his toenails. We watched with bated breath as we were fearful that the squirrel might fall. Lo and behold, he looked like was doing sittups while hanging upside down! He bent upwards and took more seeds and then hung upside down to eat them with his front feet. He did this repeatedly. That was until his back feet slipped and he fell to the ground. It was funny to watch him run way to a neighbouring tree in our yard and watch his tail twitch with nervous energy. That was the last time we saw him visit our feeder today. I imagine he will come back to visit us again sometime when the memory of today is a little more distant.
Just before dinner time, we heard the robins clucking to their baby. It was very near. My husband saw the baby robin just around the side of the garage near my asparagus patch. The baby robin was very young. It seemed to be just getting used to hopping along the ground. It reminded me of young calves, foals or fawns that are just learning to get to their feet and take their first tentative steps. This baby robin did not have great balance. My husband and I saw it disappear into our hedge behind a patio stone and some plastic tubing of our's. The poor mother robin was beside herself. She was making such anxious clucking and chirping sounds as she looked for her wayward baby. The mother robin had a worm in her mouth with which we believe she was hoping to feed the baby. We never saw her find her offspring. It bothered me as the mother robin continued to call her young chick. Eventually the noise she was making settled down and subsided. I hope she found her baby and was able to feed it.
I finished off my day with a meal of barbecued ribs, french fries and quinoa salad shared with my family in the shade on the patio. For being extra tired today, I ended up having a wonderfully, relaxing and rejuvenating day.
My morning started on the patio with a cup of coffee and the crossword puzzle from Saturday's paper. As I contemplated the clues and worked on the crossword, I could feel the breeze ruffle the small amount of hair on my head. The hair appears to be a combination of strawberry blond and brown. I continued to enjoy my coffee and the crossword puzzle in the shade on my patio. I would look up and see the robins flying through the yard or the grackles hopping around near the bird feeder.
At one point, I looked up because I heard a gutteral sound that appeared to sound like "MAWm" "MAWm"! This reminded me of my daughter when she was younger and would repeatedly call "MOM, MOM" until I showed her attention. Anyway, when I looked up from my crossword puzzle this morning, I saw two young grackles following their beleaguered mother with their beaks wide open. Even from a distance, I could see the gaping, glistening red of the inside of their throats. The poor mother grackle kept hopping away and looking on the ground for leftover seed from the feeder. The baby grackles did not let up their badgering of their mother. She finally turned and would feed one of the babies and then would hurriedly hop away. My husband and I watched this panorama with amusement. It was like the mother grackle was trying to push the babies away and make them accountable for getting their own food. This scene was played out many times throughout the day today. By late afternoon, the mother grackle was ignoring the babies and they started to pick up the leftover seeds off the ground themselves. As I watched, I realized that even human mothers have to teach their children hard lessons when it comes time to become more independent. Much as it is hard to ignore our children, we sometimes need to ignore and walk away so our children will learn to figure out a problem on their own or feed themselves. I don't mean we abandon our children. We do teach them the skills to survive first but at some point we need to give them the opportunity to succeed without our help. This might mean making a meal for themselves while they still live with us so they have a safe place to learn. I just found it interesting today to see the parallels between nature and ourselves.
Later this afternoon, my husband and I were watching the antics of two squirrels at the bird feeder. One squirrel was very happy to stay on the ground and forage the seeds off the ground. The other squirrel was a little more courageous and adventuresome. He figured out that he could run up the trunk of the tree and scamper out onto the limb which is holding the bird feeder. Our feeder is hooked onto a long, thin metal "S" hook. One end of the hook hooks over the limb and the other end of the "S" hook holds the cable of the bird feeder. Anyway, this bold squirrel scampered out onto the limb and then down the thin metal rod of the "S" hook. The squirrel landed on the top of the feeder and then worked his way down to the very narrow ledge of the feeder. He balanced precariously using his clawed feet and then took the seeds directly from the bird feeder with his mouth. As we watched, his front claws slipped and he was hanging upside down from the feeder like a gymnast hanging on by his toenails. We watched with bated breath as we were fearful that the squirrel might fall. Lo and behold, he looked like was doing sittups while hanging upside down! He bent upwards and took more seeds and then hung upside down to eat them with his front feet. He did this repeatedly. That was until his back feet slipped and he fell to the ground. It was funny to watch him run way to a neighbouring tree in our yard and watch his tail twitch with nervous energy. That was the last time we saw him visit our feeder today. I imagine he will come back to visit us again sometime when the memory of today is a little more distant.
Just before dinner time, we heard the robins clucking to their baby. It was very near. My husband saw the baby robin just around the side of the garage near my asparagus patch. The baby robin was very young. It seemed to be just getting used to hopping along the ground. It reminded me of young calves, foals or fawns that are just learning to get to their feet and take their first tentative steps. This baby robin did not have great balance. My husband and I saw it disappear into our hedge behind a patio stone and some plastic tubing of our's. The poor mother robin was beside herself. She was making such anxious clucking and chirping sounds as she looked for her wayward baby. The mother robin had a worm in her mouth with which we believe she was hoping to feed the baby. We never saw her find her offspring. It bothered me as the mother robin continued to call her young chick. Eventually the noise she was making settled down and subsided. I hope she found her baby and was able to feed it.
I finished off my day with a meal of barbecued ribs, french fries and quinoa salad shared with my family in the shade on the patio. For being extra tired today, I ended up having a wonderfully, relaxing and rejuvenating day.
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