A Fulfilling and Satisfying Life - Part 2

In the first of this series of three posts, I concentrated on the first of the three circles that make up our being.  As a very brief review, the three circles are separate but overlap to create a mutual centre which is our soul or deepest being.  The three circles are Physical, Emotional and Spiritual.  Last time I talked about the Physical.  Today I'm going to focus on the Emotional part of our being.

The word "emotional" can evoke many different meanings and feelings to people.  If someone is emotional, it may mean they are out of control and full of negative emotions such as anger, fear or hurt.  It may also mean a person is very dramatic and emotes their emotions to an extreme.  Emotional may mean that someone is sensitive which in itself can mean different things.  Sensitive may refer to a person's ability to be receptive to the emotions, auras or "vibes" of other people.  Websters Dictionary defines emotional as "pertaining to or characterized by emotion; excitable; easily moved; sensational; as, an emotional nature."  In the lecture, the professor referred to our deep emotional selves where we subconsciously feel emotion but may not or will not acknowledge it.  We need to nurture our emotional selves in order to live a whole and satisfying life.  How do we nurture our emotional selves you ask?  Does this mean we have no control over our emotions and we can just freely express all our emotions without restraint?  No, this is not what the professor was encouraging.  The professor was suggesting that we feel deeply and we acknowledge to ourselves what we are feeling.  This may mean taking action in order to have "right relationships" with people.  This means if someone hurts you deeply, you have the strength to make yourself vulnerable and talk to the person who has hurt you.  This means talking to the person in such a way that the conversation itself is not hurtful to the other person.  Perhaps they did not mean to hurt you.  Nurturing our emotional selves also means recognizing the benefits of loving.  The other day, I was reading The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo.  His quote at the beginning of the daily entry was very profound and, to me, speaks to the importance of our emotional self.  "The Love we show saves the Love we hide, the way a sprig in sun feeds its unseen root."

In our society, we are often so distracted by personal electronic devices, computers, internet and activities that we do not take time to feel deeply.  We don't show "love" (or respect, politeness, courtesy, etc.) and if I refer to Mark Nepo's quote, we then kill and shrivel up the love deep inside just like roots can shrivel up and die.  We can show our love through small acts of kindness such as holding a door open for someone at the shopping mall or asking the lonely widow or widower down the street to come for dinner.  Even just letting a car out into the line up in front of you as you drive, is in itself an act of love.  I know for myself when I show a small act of kindness, I feel warm inside.  That is the deep root of love within my own emotional being.  On the flip side, I also know that if I am grumpy or having a "bad" day, my thoughts are not very loving and I probably will not go out of my way to be kind.  I'll be too busy.   I'll be in too much of a hurry because my day is going poorly and I'll be distracted by that.  On those kinds of days, I know that I feel an emptiness within because my deep emotions of who I am have not been nourished.  I also know that there have been times when I will make a conscious decision to turn my day around and make myself vulnerable by expressing either through actions or words the love or kindness within me.  We really can make ourselves feel better by caring about others more than ourselves.

While I was sick with cancer and too physically weak to "do",  I took the opportunity of sitting still to think about my life.  I thought about what was good, what needed improvement and my chosen career.  Everything about my life went under the microscope.  I realized that teaching private music lessons (piano, flute, voice and theory) nurtured my emotional self by giving encouragement, information, kindness and yes, love to my students.  My review of my existence reinforced the importance of being open and reaching out to give to others.  Again to refer to Mark Nepo, it is like the flower or the blade of grass that grows taller and longer above ground but at the same time the roots reach deeper into the earth for the source of living water.

So how do we nurture our emotional selves?  For me, it's taking quiet time each day to connect with myself.  To centre myself.  It's recognizing and acknowledging to myself that I may feel hurt.  It's trying to be flexible enough with my emotional viewpoint to look at the hurtful situation from the other person's emotional viewpoint.  We can nurture ourselves emotionally just by deciding that the "hurt" may not even need to be acted on or discussed.  That just by acknowledging it is enough.  In order to nurture our emotional selves, we may have to make some hard decisions regarding the kinds of relationships we have.  We may have to act and limit the exposure to some individuals.  This took me over 30 years to figure out.  Once I limited the exposure to a negative individual, my emotional self felt less bruised and more whole.  It is beneficial to take stock and review the influences on our emotional selves.  This may mean scrutinizing relationships, our current employment, our physical diet of what we eat, our sleep patterns and our thought patterns.  This is not an easy exercise but it really does help to keep our emotional selves whole and healthy.

Next time, I'll be talking about the third circle which is our spiritual being.  In the meantime, I'm going to continue to reach out to others in kindness, compassion and love.

A Quiet Day?!

Today was supposed to be my quiet day of the week.  I was supposed to conserve my energy.  I didn't.  I cut the grass and trimmed the front yard with my hand clippers because our weed trimmer is still needing to be fixed.  I cut back some of the plants that have finished blooming.  I took my son to an appointment, dropped off the plant trimmings at the city composting site and then I came home and relaxed by dead heading some of the flowers in my front flowerbed.  This was a relaxing and enjoyable task for me.

Tonight, I went shopping at the local mall with my daughter and my husband.  While in the store, I started to feel weak and dizzy like I used to feel while in the midst of my chemotherapy treatments.  This is always a sure sign that I've done too much and that I'm too tired.  I will be going to bed early tonight.  I still have to learn to pace myself.  I know I shouldn't let myself get as tired as I was tonight.  I guess I'm feeling stronger and better because I'm not noticing that I'm getting overtired.

My hair is another sign that I'm slowly getting better.  I currently look like a "Chia" head.  The hair is starting to thicken up a little but it is still very fine and soft.  At least my head is not mouldy like a "Chia" head.  You can see where the pigment is affected by the chemotherapy.  It isn't white or gray like we thought it would be.  It looks more sandy or strawberry blond on the tips and as the hair grows it is becoming more of a darker red close to the roots.  I wear a hat while I'm outside only because I don't want my scalp to get sunburned.  On a rainy day, you'll see me outside without a hat.  I also don't wear a hat while I'm driving or indoors.

Tonight, I picked my daughter up from a friend's house just before we went to the mall.  Her friend's mother had heard through the grapevine just a couple of days ago that I had cancer.  When she saw me at the door, she was a little uncomfortable and stuttered out that she had heard I have cancer.  I gave her a brief summary of the last 8 months and reassured her that I'm on the mend.  She was obviously relieved to hear I'm in remission.

Tomorrow, I'll try to continue my post of a fulfilling and satisfying life which is based on a lecture I attended over 20 years ago.

Two (too?) Busy Days

Yesterday, I had lots of energy and felt great when I woke up.  I spent the morning grocery shopping with my husband and planned to go to my son's double header baseball games in the afternoon.  The grocery shopping tired me out and I wanted to conserve my energy for going out for dinner with friends.  So I had a nap, saw the second baseball game and then enjoyed a lovely evening out with friends.  We shared so many laughs.  I was tired though when I got home.

This morning I woke up exhausted.  I guess I expended more energy than I thought yesterday.  My son had another double header this afternoon but I didn't think I'd have the energy to go to the games.  I took it easy and about 10:30 this morning I regained my energy.  I ended up doing 2 loads of laundry, doing some house cleaning and going to both baseball games this afternoon.  I had an opportunity to go and watch my husband play a double header tonight but I'm too tired.  In addition, it is raining and cool.  In the past, I would have still gone to the games because I do enjoy watching my husband and son play ball together.  I'm still in the process of learning to recognize when I need to say no to an activity and then not feel guilty for missing it.

I'm a little concerned about my stamina.  I know that it's getting better but I have a very busy upcoming week.  This will be a test this week.  I know that I can handle one really full day which means appointments or activities in the morning, afternoon and evening.  I normally am very tired the next day.  This weekend was the first time that I've had two consecutive very busy days.  I know that tomorrow will be a fairly quiet day but Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday will be busy with appointments and activities throughout the days and evenings. I have just caught myself fretting about something that may or may not happen!  I need to keep reminding myself that if I can't change the circumstances, then it doesn't help it to worry.  Worry only drains my energy and emotional self.  Worry leads to a feeling of being stressed which then affects my health.  I used to be able handle being "run off my feet" and still get the family organized and packed for travelling.  This is going to be my challenge this week.

A Fulfilling and Satisfying Life

Years ago while I was in university, I attended a lecture on humanity and spirituality.  The other day, a sudden and unbidden memory of that lecture popped up out of a dusty, archived file deep within my brain.  I have time to think while I recover and heal from the chemotherapy treatment for my lymphoma.  Being in remission, means my body is slowly gaining strength but it is still does not have the stamina to return to teaching privately or even do all the household activities.  This leaves me with lots of time to think and ponder various subjects.  So while I was enjoying some quiet time, this memory from 20 years ago made itself known.

The premise of the lecture was that every person has three components to their being.  In order for a person to feel fulfilled, all three areas need to be nurtured in a balanced way.  If these components become unbalanced, then life just doesn't seem to feel or go "right".  If the three areas are balanced, then the person seems to succeed better in life.  In the lecture, I remember the professor drawing three circles which overlap each other to creat a centre which would be our soul.  Each circle was labelled "Physical", "Emotional" and "Spiritual".  The "Physical" part of us refers to our physical bodies.  We need to nourish our bodies in a healthy way which would include healthy nutrition, liquid, and exercise to keep our bodies strong.  "The "Emotional" part of us obviously refers to our emotions.  This would mean paying attention to our emotional selves and making sure that our emtional relationships with others are in our best interests.  This could mean attempting to keep good thoughts about others, weeding out friendships or relationships with people that are hurtful on a regular basis, making sure that our thoughts and actions are not hurtful or harmful to others.  The "Spiritual" part  of us refers to the deep and profound part of us that appreciates nature, meditation, prayer, and/or "deep thinking".

Let's start with the Physical circle.  We have to feed ourselves on a daily basis.  Do we always make good food choices?  What we put into our bodies, is it always in our best interests?  I know that I am guilty of making bad choices.  I have been known to go through a phase of craving and junk food which ranges from hamburgers through to cheesies and does not include many vegetables.  My body doesn't work quite as well when it is fed an unbalanced diet.  I know that I feel much better when I have more vegetables than meat.  Sometimes I am known to go "meatless" and get my protein from legumes in a vegetarian meal.  I find my body seems to work at its most optimal level when it gets an abundance of fruits and vegetables, some grains and less meat.  Having said that, I still like my steaks and pork chops.  I just try to eat everything in moderation.

We also need to ingest liquid in order for our bodies to work well.  The type of liquid is important too.  Our liquid choices (beverages) could be water, juices, milk, coffee, tea or alcoholic drinks.  We know that too much alcohol is not good for our bodies.  We know that caffeinated drinks are not good for our bodies as well.  There are studies now that say juice is too full of sugar and therefore not good for us either.  I don't know about you, but I do like to drink water but not only water 100% of the time.  However, I also know people that refuse to drink anything but water.  It has always been recommended that we drink at least 8 glasses of water per day.  A few years ago, a nutritionist on television did say that clear tea, black coffee, fruit juice and milk could count towards those 8 glasses of water.  I know that when I don't drink enough water, I can feel lethargic and have headaches.  While I had my chemotherapy treatments from January to May, I drank mostly water and green tea.  These made me feel a little better.  I believe that drinking all that liquid helped flush the chemicals through my body faster.  I remember I asked my oncologist at one of my first appointments before the chemotherapy started, "Will I be able to enjoy a glass of wine?"  I remember him telling me that maybe towards the end of the 21 day cycle that I could probably have a glass of wine or two.  I was able to enjoy one glass of wine around Day 17 or 18 of the cycle.  I like a glass of wine with my dinner but it wasn't something that I was able to do on a regular basis even on Day 17 or 18.  I would have  glass of wine when we had company for dinner, but otherwise it just didn't "feel" right.  I definitely felt good drinking water and green tea.

The last part of keeping ourselves physically balanced is exercise.  We are in a society now where exercise is often a scheduled visit to the gym.  If it isn't scheduled in a gym, it is definitely scheduled into our day based on the number of people you see running, power walking and walking with weights.  We do need to keep ourselves fit and give our bodies exercise.  Personally, we have one vehicle and I often walk as a mode of transportation.  I use hand shears for trimming my hedge and shrubs.  When I was healthy (before cancer), I would run up and down my stairs when carrying my laundry down to the washer and back up to be hung outside.  I'm not able to run up and down the stairs yet with the laundry but I am trying to run up and down the stairs when I have reasons to go into the basement and back upstairs again. When I cut the grass, I try to walk quickly and get my heart going.  We can all build exercise into our day and it is important that we keep our bodies fit.

We need to be aware that we don't focus just on the physical part of ourselves.  We need to make sure that the other circles, "Emotional" and "Spiritual" get just as much focus and weight as we give our physical selves.  I will continue this topic at another time.  Enjoy the weekend!

My Altered Mind

Throughout my chemotherapy treatments, my doctor warned me of the reality of "chemo brain".  I had moments in treatment when one word would escape me in the middle of a sentence.  I had other moments where I would be in the middle of a conversation with someone and then go blank and couldn't remember what we were talking about.  I expected "chemo brain" to get better and disappear once the treatments were finished.

Yesterday I was talking with my neighbour and wanted to sat something using the word "railing".  I could not think of the word at all.  All that came into my mind was "handle".  It was embarrassing as I stood there with this silence in the middle of the sentence while my brain was blank and couldn't think of the word I was wanting to use.  I knew that "handle" was not the word I was looking for.  I couldn't think of the word "railing".  Eventually it came to me but it was very frustrating.  Last night, I was speaking with a student's parent regarding giving him a lesson and she asked me how much it would cost for the one lesson.  My mind was absolutely blank.  I couldn't remember what I charge for lessons!  It was very embarrassing to ask the mother what she paid me before.  She told me what she has been paying the teacher that took my student while I've been off.  We agreed on that amount.  I still couldn't remember what I used to charge for lessons!  My husband had to tell me what he thought my rate was.  I still don't remember and I will have to look up my financial records to get the amount.

Tonight, I was out shopping with my husband and I had my list of what I needed to buy.  We picked the items up and came home.  As I was unloading the bag, I realized that I had bought liquid dish soap but I really meant to buy Mr. Clean!  My mind is just not working right at all.  This is very frustrating for me as I've always had a mind for details and could remember everything.

I could understand my mind working this way if I was still in treatment or if I was not getting enough sleep.  But I'm well rested and my treatments have been done for five weeks.  It's not making any sense to me and at times I'm not making any sense to anyone else either.  I hope this gets better because how will I go back to teaching when I'm not making sense!

My First Check Up

I was becoming anxious yesterday as I felt some new pain, some returning pressure in my neck, and a scratchy, sore throat.  The anxiety continued this morning because I slept in and felt very drained and tired before the day even started.  I was trying not to worry but it was there in the back of my mind.  Was my throat sore because of playing the flute for the first time or was the lymphoma returning?  The pressure at the base of my neck felt very similar to what I felt at the end of November.  Was this a result of my playing the flute or had the lymphoma returned?  Was I feeling really tired and dragged out because of the heat and humidity or am I fatigued due to the lymphoma?

I turned to reading my current novel in an attempt to distract myself from my thoughts and fears.  The reading helped but I couldn't concentrate for very long.  So I vacuumed part of the house until my shoulder started to ache again.  Back to my novel I went.  Then it was time to go to the Cancer Clinic for my appointment.  I put my ball cap on so that my scalp wouldn't get sunburned as my husband and I walked to the appointment.

Thank goodness there was hardly any waiting for the appointment today.  This didn't allow me to dwell on my worries and get worked up even more.  My doctor came in and I shared with him my fears.  I also was honest and told him what activities that I've been doing.  He checked out my neck very thoroughly.  His diagnosis was everything is fine and normal.  The pressure and pain I have been feeling is caused by a major artery that has been irritated by the pressure of blowing air into the flute combined with using my support.  He continued with his examination and determined everything is fine.  I'm still in remission!!  What a relief!!!  I'll see him again in September and at that time he's also wanting me to have a CT Scan to confirm that everything is still clear.

I can now embrace my summer and know that all my plans can go ahead and be carried out.  I'm looking forward to going camping, travelling and visiting with friends and family.  I just have to make sure that I don't do too much and I allow myself some rest time.  I think that I probably was feeling fatigued today because I've had a busy time.  The heat and humidity don't help as they always make me feel very tired anyway.  I'm interested to see how much energy I regain over the summer as I continue to heal and get stronger.  It seems to have been a very long time since I felt "normal".  Let the summer begin! 

Try, Try and Try again

Have you ever given 110 per cent of your efforts to a person or to an activity?  And then when you have given your all, you find out it wasn't enough and you have to go back  and try again?  When is it considered enough?  Today I was wrestling with these questions.

Let me back up to the beginning of the day.  Overall, I had a great day!   I woke up with anticipation and excitement as I was meeting a friend for coffee and a visit.  Three hours went by very quickly (my goodness did we have a lot to talk about and discover about each other!) and we were saying our farewells as we went our separate ways to take on the rest of the day.  What a great way to start the day!

I planned to take the rest of the day and work on catching up on housework as the weather forecast was calling for rain.  I was remembering what my chiropractor told me yesterday about taking it easy and letting my shoulder rest but I thought I could handle vacuuming the house, dusting the house and cleaning the bathrooms.  That wouldn't be too much.  That would rest my shoulder.  At least that was what I was telling myself in an effort to convince myself that I was still listening to my body.  Yeah right!!  I had my lunch and then went downstairs to start tidying up my music studio.

As I walked into my studio, the piano was calling my name.  I went over and reacquainted myself with my piano.  It was soothing to my soul to play some Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart and Handel.  Now I was distracted and yearning to pick up my flute.  I haven't played my flute since the end of November when my throat was first sore and my family doctor hinted that I may have cancer.  I took my flute off the shelf and put it together.  As I brought it to my lip, my comfort levels were contradicting.  My flute settled against my lip fairly comfortably as if I had just played last week.  However, my core muscles which are used for support were weak and uncoordinated as were my fingers.  My throat muscles were also weak and uncoordinated.  I tried to play one short study as an introduction to my first time playing.  When I first started to play, I experienced a coughing attack just like I did on November 20, 2011 which was the first day I realized something was wrong with me.  I stopped playing and waited for the coughing to subside.  Then I tried to play again.  This was good as there was no more coughing.  However, I ran out of breath very quickly.  I persevered in my attempt to practise.  I played slowly in an effort to get my fingers to work together.  My support started to work again but weakly.  I only played for 10 minutes and I was very tired.  My throat was scratchy sore afterwards.  I'm not sure that this is a good sign.  I'll mention this to my oncologist when I see him for a check up tomorrow.  I cleaned my flute up and put it away on the shelf again.  Hopefully, I'll be able to pick it up again soon.  I've missed my flute.  It is discouraging though to have to start from scratch to work myself and my muscles up to the level of playing that I expect from myself.   Two other times in my life,  I've been in this situation of starting anew with my flute.  The first time was just after I graduated and I was not feeling good about my flute.  I deliberately put it away for two years before I felt the motivation to play again.  The second time I had to start over wtih my flute was five years ago when I had surgery on my ulna nerve in my left arm after having broke my wrist and also had some hand surgery done at the same time to remove Dupuytren's Disease from my left hand.  Today as I practised, I realized that I'm a little tired of trying again and again to pick my flute up and start from the beginning.  I'm not giving up yet but I am concerned about the fact that my throat was sore after playing.

I never did get to cleaning my house as the phone rang and I enjoyed a nice long visit with a friend from California.  This is a good thing as my shoulder did need the rest.  It was less sore today and by this evening, I'm not feeling any discomfort with it at all.

Perhaps I'm feeling discouraged with trying again to start from the beginning with my flute because my body is still tired and discouraged from the chemotherapy.  I certainly had to try, try and try again through each cycle of chemo in order to gear myself up for the next round.  Maybe I'm just tired of trying.  Maybe it is too soon to try and play my flute.  It certainly seems to take much more effort than my piano.  I had thought that since I can't sing yet, then maybe I could enjoy playing my flute.  Part of me wants to get back to playing my flute with my chamber music friends.  Oh well.....I'll be trying yet again but when I try again may depend on what my oncologist says about my throat tomorrow.  My fear is that my throat may not come back to normal because of scar tissue and it may interfere with my ability to open my throat enough to play and sing.  Again, I'm at the point of having to hand my worries over to God to take care of.  Otherwise, I'll drive myself into the emotional "blues" as I wait for my body to fully heal.