It's been awhile since I've worked on this series, but I've been busy tending to the garden of my soul by nurturing the physical, emotional and spiritual parts of me. So today's post is all about the spiritual circle that completes our soul. I will end the post with a wrap up of how all three circles work in our lives.
The spiritual circle does not just refer to the action of going to church or "having" religion in our lives. The spiritual circle can comprise of these things but it is more than that. The spiritual circle also includes our intuition, our instincts and yes our ways of believing in what we believe in. We can nurture the spiritual side of us by meditating as we walk in nature, through prayer, by sincerely observing religious rites and rituals, through relaxation, and through fellowship which means spending quality time with friends and sharing deep conversations. Some people find spending study time with the Bible, Koran or other religious reading also helps to nurture and strengthen their spiritual side. Some people also tend to their spiritual side by doing Yoga, Tai Chi and other exercise programs. While I was going through my chemotherapy treatments, I discovered a new way to connect with my spiritual side. A friend mailed me "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo. It is a daily collection of thoughts and meditations with suggestions on ways to meditate on each day's reading. I had never officially meditated before. I have nurtured my spiritual self by sincerely attending church (not just going for appearances), by singing praise and worship songs and hymns, by reading scripture passages on my own, by spending time in the beautiful outdoors and amongst nature and by spending quiet visitations with friends.
I now find my day is not quite complete if I don't check in with "The Book of Awakening". As I age, I am convinced that our spiritual selves are connected with each other (other people) and we are not even aware of it. I'm going to use a quotation from "The Book of Awakening" which was part of the reading for June 21. The title of that day's entry was "The Presence of God". It was discussing how we are all interconnected. "In the same way, the presence of God powerfully moves between us unseen, only visible in the brief moments we are lighted, in those enlivened moments we know as love." This is so true!!! As mentioned way back in the beginning of January in my blog, I spent the last weekend of November 2011 in a state of upheaval as I knew I had cancer but I didn't know if it was lung cancer, thyroid cancer or lymphoma. I remember the date of that Sunday (Sunday, November 27, 2011) because I was scheduled to do the Coffee Hour after church and do the snack at my daughter's curling club in the afternoon. As I arrived at church on that Sunday morning, one of my friends and ex-neighbour stopped me to talk to me. He told me that I was in his dream the night before. His dream was that he was driving up a hill with his son in the car, when they passed me riding a bicycle up the hill. In the dream, his son pointed me out but they were passed me before my friend realized it. As he told me his dream, all I could think was WOW! At that very moment, I envisioned myself at the bottom of a very steep hill and struggling to make my way up it. I couldn't tell my friend how eerily connected that dream was to me. I did tell him when I saw him in February 2012. I also asked him if I made it to the top of the hill and he couldn't remember. It is amazing how we are connected. I truly believe that when an urge to call someone is very strong that it is a spiritual connection and I should act upon it. More often than not, the person I have called is having a rough time and is in need of friendship and support. Throughout the last eight months, friends have called or emailed me just exactly when I've needed it. Again, I truly believe we are spiritually connected. In my blog, I have called these moments "Godcidences".
As I mentioned in the previous posts in this series, it is really important that all three circles of our being are nurtured and tended equally. When that happens, life is absolutely wondrous despite what outside afflictions we may be having. However, when the circles of our being get off balance, then life does not go well and we are ultimately unhappy and dissatisfied. I remember my professor (who gave this lecture about the "whole" person) telling all of us that when we pay attention and use our whole being then life is truly fulfilled. I've tried over the years to remember this and to apply it to my own life. I haven't always succeeded at it. Sometimes I've spent more time and effort on the physical and emotional side of me and the spiritual aspect of my being has been neglected. Life goes on and I seem to enjoy it but there is a part of me that starts to shrivel.
I found for myself that teaching private piano, flute, voice and theory lessons allowed me to have a career that met my physical needs, my emotional needs and my spiritual needs. It meets my physical needs not only in providing money to meet those needs, but also it keeps my embouchure (mouth muscles for playing the flute), my lungs and my abdominal muscles strong for playing flute and singing. My career also meets my emotional needs as I am in tune with my emotions to help make the music come alive. It meets my spiritual needs as I sing or play the flute as an act of worship, praise and thanksgiving but also as I teach young minds how to connect with their music. Lastly, friendships are the cornerstone, in my opinion, of meeting our physical, emotional and spiritual needs. True friends provide laughter, love and spiritual support. Without them, I would be lost. I've been very, very blessed to have numerous true friends throughout my life.
I will close this series of posts by saying I cannot emphasize enough the importance of being in touch and aware of the three circles that make up our beings. If you can be fully attuned to your physical, emotional and spiritual circles you will have a fulfilling and satisfying life. You need to use all three aspects in all areas of your life such as your career, activities and frienships. You can become so attuned that you can rely on all three circles of your being to help you make the right decisions for you. People have asked me where do I get my strength to deal with the diagnosis, treatment and reality of living with cancer. I have to say that these circumstances allowed me to take the time to nurture every single aspect of my being. I'm not going to say I'm happy I had lymphoma because I wouldn't want to go through that again. But the fact of having lymphoma allowed me to reconnect with my physical self, my emotional self and my spiritual self. In some ways I had ignored them, as mothers do, so I could look after everybody else. I'm reconnected with myself and I feel fully healthy in all aspects. My experience urges me to share with everyone else the importance of nurturing all three aspects and applying them to all areas of their lives.
Friday, 20 July 2012
Thursday, 19 July 2012
Cancer As Part of My Identity
Since November 24, 2011, cancer/lymphoma has been a major part of my life and identity. For the past eight months it has consumed me physically, emotionally and spiritually. All three of these areas comprise to make a whole person. Needless to say, it has changed my physical life but also my thoughts on life. For the last number of days, I've been wanting to go back to being the person I was before cancer. I want my "old" identity back without the addendum of cancer. Currently, lymphoma is always at the back of my mind even if it is subconsciously.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to travel with my husband to Cornwall, Ontario. He was going to spend the day on the golf course with friends so he dropped me off at my friend's house for the day while he went golfing. I realize that as I'm meeting friends for the first time since being diagnosed and battling my lymphoma, that there are questions about my journey. I fully understand my friends' needs to reconnect with me and to share, in person, my journey through the last eight months as part of my relationship with my friends. This helps draw us closer together emotionally and it keeps our friendships current. I also realize that at some point, I'll be able to move beyond the retelling of my journey with lymphoma and get back to "normal" friendships. As I visited with my friend yesterday, we did move beyond "the cancer" and we enjoyed sharing about other areas of our lives and mutual friends.
I had the special opportunity to meet up with another dear friend who is a 10 year cancer survivor! My visit with her was extra special in that we talked about being survivors and what that really means. On the surface it means we beat the beast called cancer but there is so much more to being a survivor than that. As I mentioned earlier, I've been wanting to move beyond the cancer and transition back to my identity before cancer. My survivor friend mentioned that the thought of cancer is always there at the back of your thoughts. This may not be a conscious thought but it is always there. It's there in the clarity and vibrancy of moments spent with family and friends. It's there as we create lifetime memories. It is there as each day is lived to the fullest. It's there in the urgency of fulfilling all the activities, trips, family visits and visits with friends that you want to do. This summer that is what I'm living with. I have an urgency to do everything that I've put off doing as I waited for me to have the money to do it or the time to do it or the energy to do it. I'm not putting things off anymore. This summer I'm doing exactly what I want to do. My survivor friend indicated that this feeling that life is too short will never go away. That is what cancer does to you.
I know that I'm very aware of the various symptoms of lymphoma. I also know that if I feel fatigued, I inwardly question "Is it coming back?!" If I burp or have any kind of indigestion or bloating after a meal, I wonder "Are the lymph nodes around my stomach getting bigger again?" When these questions start to plague me, I objectively look at the symptoms and what I've been doing or eating and it all makes sense. I also know that I'll be seeing my oncologist for regular check ups every three months. We'll catch anything before it gets growing too big, IF there's anything there to catch.
I think this constant thinking, analyzing and questionning may have been what my survivor friend was talking about when she mentioned that cancer is always in your thoughts. I won't always be talking about cancer and I want to make sure that I'm not "stuck" and my identity engulfed by cancer. Yesterday was a great mix of friendship, support, laughter and sharing. The day went by much too quickly (just like the summer is marching on much too quickly) and it was 9:30 p.m. before my husband and I said our goodbyes to our friends and made the two hour trek home. This morning I'm tired but I'm ready to take on the day!
Yesterday I had the opportunity to travel with my husband to Cornwall, Ontario. He was going to spend the day on the golf course with friends so he dropped me off at my friend's house for the day while he went golfing. I realize that as I'm meeting friends for the first time since being diagnosed and battling my lymphoma, that there are questions about my journey. I fully understand my friends' needs to reconnect with me and to share, in person, my journey through the last eight months as part of my relationship with my friends. This helps draw us closer together emotionally and it keeps our friendships current. I also realize that at some point, I'll be able to move beyond the retelling of my journey with lymphoma and get back to "normal" friendships. As I visited with my friend yesterday, we did move beyond "the cancer" and we enjoyed sharing about other areas of our lives and mutual friends.
I had the special opportunity to meet up with another dear friend who is a 10 year cancer survivor! My visit with her was extra special in that we talked about being survivors and what that really means. On the surface it means we beat the beast called cancer but there is so much more to being a survivor than that. As I mentioned earlier, I've been wanting to move beyond the cancer and transition back to my identity before cancer. My survivor friend mentioned that the thought of cancer is always there at the back of your thoughts. This may not be a conscious thought but it is always there. It's there in the clarity and vibrancy of moments spent with family and friends. It's there as we create lifetime memories. It is there as each day is lived to the fullest. It's there in the urgency of fulfilling all the activities, trips, family visits and visits with friends that you want to do. This summer that is what I'm living with. I have an urgency to do everything that I've put off doing as I waited for me to have the money to do it or the time to do it or the energy to do it. I'm not putting things off anymore. This summer I'm doing exactly what I want to do. My survivor friend indicated that this feeling that life is too short will never go away. That is what cancer does to you.
I know that I'm very aware of the various symptoms of lymphoma. I also know that if I feel fatigued, I inwardly question "Is it coming back?!" If I burp or have any kind of indigestion or bloating after a meal, I wonder "Are the lymph nodes around my stomach getting bigger again?" When these questions start to plague me, I objectively look at the symptoms and what I've been doing or eating and it all makes sense. I also know that I'll be seeing my oncologist for regular check ups every three months. We'll catch anything before it gets growing too big, IF there's anything there to catch.
I think this constant thinking, analyzing and questionning may have been what my survivor friend was talking about when she mentioned that cancer is always in your thoughts. I won't always be talking about cancer and I want to make sure that I'm not "stuck" and my identity engulfed by cancer. Yesterday was a great mix of friendship, support, laughter and sharing. The day went by much too quickly (just like the summer is marching on much too quickly) and it was 9:30 p.m. before my husband and I said our goodbyes to our friends and made the two hour trek home. This morning I'm tired but I'm ready to take on the day!
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
Getting On With Living
Today my husband and I decided to drive to Westport, Ontario with our daughter and two of our friends. It was a record-breaking hot day but we set off on our trip at 9:30 a.m. with the hope that we would get there before it was unbearably hot. Now that I'm starting to feel better, I find that I experience little details throughout the day with more clarity and intensity.
The drive to Westport took us through the south part of the Canadian Shield. I loved the rolling hills which are covered with a variety of vegetation. You can see scrub bush, woods, hayfields with the rolled bales of hay sitting in them and corn fields. It has been a very dry, arid summer so far and the corn is showing signs of stress. The leaves are furling in on themselves as they try to conserve what little moisture is in them and the corn stalks are shorter than they normally are at this time of the summer. As we continued driving, the hills would dip down into valleys where there would be surprise sun-speckled lakes filled with water lilies. Every once in awhile we would come across a public boat ramp which would be busy as people were either putting their boats into the water or pulling them out of the water. The road was full of twists and turns which would provide us with surprising views of water as we came around a sharp bend in the road.
When we arrived in Westport, we parked down near the waterfront. We started up Bedford Street and stopped in to browse through various boutiques and shops. Westport is a very quaint village and I love visiting it for a day. My daughter found a beautiful sundress at one of the boutiques. Myself, I have four favourite stores that I always drop by when I'm visiting the village. I had such fun introducing these stores to my friend and watching her reaction as we came across unique, one of a kind stock in the different stores. I'm hoping to find a bench to put under my apple trees so we can enjoy the shade of the trees. I haven't found what I'm looking for just yet but I was hoping to find something in the stores we visited today. As we meandered through the village, I recognized that there were more new stores this year.
By the time it was getting close to lunch, we were all very hot and feeling the heat of the noon sun. So we decided to visit The Cove Pub for lunch. We thought we might like to eat inside where we would be cooler in the air conditioning. Because we were a party of five, we were shown to a table in the restaurant side of the establishment. The air seemed warmer so we decided to move outdoors to the patio where we had a lovely view of the flower gardens and the lake. The table had an umbrella which provided us with some shade. That shade and the breeze coming off the water made our lunch very enjoyable. I had a goat cheese and pecan salad. In addition to the goat cheese and pecans, it contained mesculin greens, carmelized onions and granny smith apple slices. It was topped off with a dijon/cider vinaigrette. It was very light and refreshing. After our lunch, we wandered down through the garden to the water's edge. There was an arch and a bench so we took the opporunity to take pictures of our group and the beautiful setting.
Finally we decided to resume our exploration of the village by walking up Church Street. Just as we were about to leave the back garden of the pub, we saw a miniature bench. How cute and quaint!! Needless to say, more pictures had to be taken. Then we went on our way. We visited four or five more stores until we were tired and hot. We made our way back to the van to head home in an air-conditioned vehicle. We were all tired and wilted. As we were almost out of the village, my daughter and her friend suggested stopping for ice cream cones. We wound our way back to almost the same parking spot we had just left. We climbed out of the van and headed for the ice cream shop. What a grand idea it was to stop for ice cream! I love ice cream and the store carried my favourite flavour. There's nothing like a single scoop of maple walnut ice cream on a plain cone in the midst of a scorcher of a day!!!
After we finished our ice cream, we were back in the van and heading for home. The drive home was just as beautiful as the drive to Westport. We were again driving through twists and turns to be surprised by wonderful lake views or pastoral views of the hilly terrain. I visited with my friend and then realized that the two girls were rather quiet. They were both sound asleep!
It was a tiring day but what a glorious day it was. I saw beautiful views, quaint items of jewellry, garden art, one of a kind pieces of clothing and enjoyed the warm company of my friends and family. I'm so happy to get on with living. This was the kind of day that makes for lifetime memories.
The drive to Westport took us through the south part of the Canadian Shield. I loved the rolling hills which are covered with a variety of vegetation. You can see scrub bush, woods, hayfields with the rolled bales of hay sitting in them and corn fields. It has been a very dry, arid summer so far and the corn is showing signs of stress. The leaves are furling in on themselves as they try to conserve what little moisture is in them and the corn stalks are shorter than they normally are at this time of the summer. As we continued driving, the hills would dip down into valleys where there would be surprise sun-speckled lakes filled with water lilies. Every once in awhile we would come across a public boat ramp which would be busy as people were either putting their boats into the water or pulling them out of the water. The road was full of twists and turns which would provide us with surprising views of water as we came around a sharp bend in the road.
When we arrived in Westport, we parked down near the waterfront. We started up Bedford Street and stopped in to browse through various boutiques and shops. Westport is a very quaint village and I love visiting it for a day. My daughter found a beautiful sundress at one of the boutiques. Myself, I have four favourite stores that I always drop by when I'm visiting the village. I had such fun introducing these stores to my friend and watching her reaction as we came across unique, one of a kind stock in the different stores. I'm hoping to find a bench to put under my apple trees so we can enjoy the shade of the trees. I haven't found what I'm looking for just yet but I was hoping to find something in the stores we visited today. As we meandered through the village, I recognized that there were more new stores this year.
By the time it was getting close to lunch, we were all very hot and feeling the heat of the noon sun. So we decided to visit The Cove Pub for lunch. We thought we might like to eat inside where we would be cooler in the air conditioning. Because we were a party of five, we were shown to a table in the restaurant side of the establishment. The air seemed warmer so we decided to move outdoors to the patio where we had a lovely view of the flower gardens and the lake. The table had an umbrella which provided us with some shade. That shade and the breeze coming off the water made our lunch very enjoyable. I had a goat cheese and pecan salad. In addition to the goat cheese and pecans, it contained mesculin greens, carmelized onions and granny smith apple slices. It was topped off with a dijon/cider vinaigrette. It was very light and refreshing. After our lunch, we wandered down through the garden to the water's edge. There was an arch and a bench so we took the opporunity to take pictures of our group and the beautiful setting.
Finally we decided to resume our exploration of the village by walking up Church Street. Just as we were about to leave the back garden of the pub, we saw a miniature bench. How cute and quaint!! Needless to say, more pictures had to be taken. Then we went on our way. We visited four or five more stores until we were tired and hot. We made our way back to the van to head home in an air-conditioned vehicle. We were all tired and wilted. As we were almost out of the village, my daughter and her friend suggested stopping for ice cream cones. We wound our way back to almost the same parking spot we had just left. We climbed out of the van and headed for the ice cream shop. What a grand idea it was to stop for ice cream! I love ice cream and the store carried my favourite flavour. There's nothing like a single scoop of maple walnut ice cream on a plain cone in the midst of a scorcher of a day!!!
After we finished our ice cream, we were back in the van and heading for home. The drive home was just as beautiful as the drive to Westport. We were again driving through twists and turns to be surprised by wonderful lake views or pastoral views of the hilly terrain. I visited with my friend and then realized that the two girls were rather quiet. They were both sound asleep!
It was a tiring day but what a glorious day it was. I saw beautiful views, quaint items of jewellry, garden art, one of a kind pieces of clothing and enjoyed the warm company of my friends and family. I'm so happy to get on with living. This was the kind of day that makes for lifetime memories.
Monday, 16 July 2012
Baseball Weekend
I'm discovering that it is good to sometimes look back and compare what I'm able to do now compared to what I was able to do 6 to 8 weeks ago. In making these comparisons, I'm able to see how much stronger I'm getting each week. Even this last sentence is an example of how my body is recovering from 5 months of chemotherapy earlier this year. I used to have to compare what I could do each day. I'm now comparing what I can do each week. This brings to mind my mantra during the time that I was undergoing chemotherapy. I had to often repeat to myself "one breath at a time, on moment at a time, one step at a time". I'm definitely at the "one step at a time" and beyond! Four weeks ago, there is no way I was able to go away for a 2 day trip. I was too weak and the travelling would have taken too much out of me. This past weekend, I went away on a whirlwind trip to watch my son play baseball. As always, we also included some family time which made it extra special.
We left on Saturday morning around 7:30 to drive 2 hours so our son could make it to a baseball field in Toronto. The sun was shining fully and the air was hot and humid. With the humidity in the air, the temperature felt like 36 degrees Celcius. Thank goodness there was a slight breeze to help keep it bearable. The team played a double header (2 games) that afternoon. The routine is we set up our lawn chairs or sit on the bleachers. Out comes the sunscreen and it is slopped on. I have always had to wear sunscreen as I'm very fair haired and fair skinned. This year it is especially important as I am even more susceptible to the sun after chemotherapy. So after slopping on the sunscreen, my wide-brimmed hat goes on too. One thing about having a brush cut at the moment while my hair grows back, is that it is very cool. Unfortunately, my wide-brimmed hat traps my body heat in and makes me even hotter. So out came my extra wide golf umbrella to provide me with shade as there is no shade on the visitor's side of the diamond. Now I was set to sit back and enjoy the game.
My daughter, who doesn't like baseball but came along with us for the weekend, decided to sit on the opposing team's side of the ballfield where there were lots of trees and shade. She boldly and confidently walked over and set up her chair in the shade. Normally, she will just put in her earphones and listen to her Ipod or read a book during the baseball games so I had no concerns of her being in "enemy territory" during the games. Between the games, she came over to see me and admitted that she actually watched the game! Not only did she watch the game, she clapped and cheered for her brother's team! She mentioned that she received many dirty looks from the home team parents who were sitting near and around her. In the second game, she returned to her spot and continued to watch, cheer and clap for her brother's team. Myself, I enjoyed watching the game. I was sitting behind the backstop so that I could get a full view of the field as I watched the game. Unfortunately, this meant that as plays happened at home plate or a ball got past the catcher, I was caught in the clouds of dust that would drift through the backstop, envelope me and move on past to the swampy, reedy area behind me. When this happened, I would just close my eyes so I wouldn't get any dust in my eyes.
That was Saturday. After the games finished, we packed up our lawn chairs, cooler and my umbrella and loaded up the van. The team lost both games but this was against the first place team and apparently our son's team kept the scores closer than most of the other teams. We continued on our way to our "hotel". We have discovered that it is cheaper to stay at a college residence during the summer and still have some of the amenities of a hotel. These stays always include a continental breakfast and there is often a "common" area that parents and players can congregate in for an enjoyable evening of conversation, cards, games or whatever. This time we stayed at Centennial College where there was also an indoor pool. Needless to say, the ball players all hit their individual showers first. This was followed by family members. I had forgotten how sunscreen acts like glue for the baseball infield red dust. The water in the bottom of the shower just flowed that same colour!
An evening of pizza and conversation with other parents ensued. I tried to stay up but my mind and body had other ideas and I was sound asleep by 10:30. We were up and had to be at another ball park in the Toronto area by 10 a.m. The weather had been forecasting another hot, humid day but also with rain and thunderstorms. When we checked out of the "hotel", it was sunny, very hot and very humid. The boys had another double header scheduled for the day. We also have very close family friends who live in Toronto and it has become an annual event for them to watch a game and then we go for dinner, a visit and sometimes a walk before we would get back on the road and head home. Yesterday was no different and we had plans to have them meet us at the ballfield for the second game of the double header.
The first game was played under clear blue skies in a temperature that felt close to 40 degrees Celcius due to the humidity. Players were struggling to keep cool and both players and spectators were drinking lots and lots of water! We watched our son as a relief pitcher and he had a good outing. They won the game 10-0. Between games there is always a short time to allow the players to cool down and eat some lunch. We rushed out and picked up some subs and brought them back to the field for our lunches. While we were eating, we could see a very large, dark, ominous cloud to the west of us. The players, coaches and parents kept a close eye on it as it continued to move slowly towards us. The umpires arrived for the second game and also joined the rest of us in watching the sky start to darken. Then the wind picked up which was nice as it was very hot and humid and the wind provided us with some relief. The cloud was so threatening, that my husband and daughter packed up the cooler and the lawn chairs and returned them to our van. Our daughter chose to stay in the van. Just as my husband returned from the parking lot, the first spritz of rain started to fall. I put up my big umbrella and my husband put up his which he had grabbed from the van. The wind picked up some more, the temperature plummeted and the rain began in earnest. The team scrambled to put all their ball bags under the canopy that the coaches had erected and they all stood underneath to stay dry. Lightning started to shoot from the sky in the distance to the west and the north. It was still a fair distance away but we were definitely getting the rain. My husband had been in contact with our family friends who had forewarned us that the system was coming. It had hit their area of the city about 30 minutes before reaching us. As the storm was getting closer, I decided to make my way to the van. The wind was so strong that my umbrella was used as a shield in front of me to keep the driving rain from soaking me. As I walked across a soccer field to get to the van, I saw flashes of lightning and thunder close behind it. I was a little nervous!! I made it to the van and even managed to keep myself fairly dry! Not even 5 minutes later, I saw the home team coaches and players running for their vehicles. The second game was cancelled due to weather and will be rescheduled. My husband and son arrived in the van and off we went to go to our friends' home.
On route to our friends' home, the rain stopped and the sky brightened. We got to their condo and parked the van. As my son got out, I heard him say "We better make a run for it!" I jumped out of the van and started running for the front door of the condo. Then I heard "Cathy, stop!! I need your purse...your car keys!". Now it was raining in earnest. I stopped and opened my purse to get my car keys as my husband had locked his keys inside the van. In just that moment of stopping to get my keys, I was soaked! My purse was soaked! My sandals were soaked and then they become very slippery. So I can't run anymore or else I'll fall. My husband flies past me and says "Run!!". I couldn't run and I was already soaked to the skin. I walked as fast as was safely possible but by the time I made it into the entrance of the condo I was literally soaked, dripping and looking like a drowned rat! We made our way up to our friends' condo. As we walked off the elevator, my husband said to me "What's that sound?!" I stopped walking and replied "What sound?" It ended up being the squishing of the water in my sandals. They were so wet that every time I took a step, you could hear and see the water squishing out of the insides of my sandals! Our friends' welcomed us into their home and provided my husband and me with towels, sweatshirts, t-shirts and trackpants while they dried our clothes in the dryer. Our children were dry as they had made it into the condo entrance before the deluge of rain had hit.
While we dried out, we enjoyed a wonderful visit and listened to our daughter play the piano. When our clothes were dry, we got dressed and went out for dinner. We continued our conversations over dinner and then decided to head back to the condo for more visiting. Once we were back at the condo, out came more piano music for us to play and also the picture albums appeared containing pictures of my husband and one of our friends as little children. As we looked through the pictures, you could see my husband and his brother grow up to teenagers and young adults. Then you saw the addition of myself and my sister-in-law as we became part of the family. It was so nice to see the pictures and have them bring back memories. There were even pictures of our children when they were toddlers and preschoolers! Our daughter was looking at the pictures and commented on liking the dress our friend was wearing in one of them. Off went our friend and out comes the dress! My daughter tried it on and it looked fantastic on her! Out came another dress for her to try on and it, too, looked really good. So our friend gave my daughter the dresses to keep.
This was the first time that I'd seen these friends since being diagnosed with lymphoma and going through chemotherapy. These friends are more like family than friends! I had talked with them on the phone and they had followed along in the blog but it was just so nice to see them in person. The depth of love and warmth that I feel when I see family and friends for the first time since having lymphoma is overwhelming. I am filled with a sudden flow of warmth and strong emotions. This is because life is so unpredictable and the possibility was there that I might never have seen them again. I'm getting stronger now and I've survived my two days away.
I love when I can combine a normal activity such as baseball with nuclear family time and extended family time. This weekend I realized that our nuclear family time is also going to be more rare. This was our last weekend away for baseball ever. We've been doing this for ten years!! I'm glad that we were able to finish it off with our full family involved.
We left on Saturday morning around 7:30 to drive 2 hours so our son could make it to a baseball field in Toronto. The sun was shining fully and the air was hot and humid. With the humidity in the air, the temperature felt like 36 degrees Celcius. Thank goodness there was a slight breeze to help keep it bearable. The team played a double header (2 games) that afternoon. The routine is we set up our lawn chairs or sit on the bleachers. Out comes the sunscreen and it is slopped on. I have always had to wear sunscreen as I'm very fair haired and fair skinned. This year it is especially important as I am even more susceptible to the sun after chemotherapy. So after slopping on the sunscreen, my wide-brimmed hat goes on too. One thing about having a brush cut at the moment while my hair grows back, is that it is very cool. Unfortunately, my wide-brimmed hat traps my body heat in and makes me even hotter. So out came my extra wide golf umbrella to provide me with shade as there is no shade on the visitor's side of the diamond. Now I was set to sit back and enjoy the game.
My daughter, who doesn't like baseball but came along with us for the weekend, decided to sit on the opposing team's side of the ballfield where there were lots of trees and shade. She boldly and confidently walked over and set up her chair in the shade. Normally, she will just put in her earphones and listen to her Ipod or read a book during the baseball games so I had no concerns of her being in "enemy territory" during the games. Between the games, she came over to see me and admitted that she actually watched the game! Not only did she watch the game, she clapped and cheered for her brother's team! She mentioned that she received many dirty looks from the home team parents who were sitting near and around her. In the second game, she returned to her spot and continued to watch, cheer and clap for her brother's team. Myself, I enjoyed watching the game. I was sitting behind the backstop so that I could get a full view of the field as I watched the game. Unfortunately, this meant that as plays happened at home plate or a ball got past the catcher, I was caught in the clouds of dust that would drift through the backstop, envelope me and move on past to the swampy, reedy area behind me. When this happened, I would just close my eyes so I wouldn't get any dust in my eyes.
That was Saturday. After the games finished, we packed up our lawn chairs, cooler and my umbrella and loaded up the van. The team lost both games but this was against the first place team and apparently our son's team kept the scores closer than most of the other teams. We continued on our way to our "hotel". We have discovered that it is cheaper to stay at a college residence during the summer and still have some of the amenities of a hotel. These stays always include a continental breakfast and there is often a "common" area that parents and players can congregate in for an enjoyable evening of conversation, cards, games or whatever. This time we stayed at Centennial College where there was also an indoor pool. Needless to say, the ball players all hit their individual showers first. This was followed by family members. I had forgotten how sunscreen acts like glue for the baseball infield red dust. The water in the bottom of the shower just flowed that same colour!
An evening of pizza and conversation with other parents ensued. I tried to stay up but my mind and body had other ideas and I was sound asleep by 10:30. We were up and had to be at another ball park in the Toronto area by 10 a.m. The weather had been forecasting another hot, humid day but also with rain and thunderstorms. When we checked out of the "hotel", it was sunny, very hot and very humid. The boys had another double header scheduled for the day. We also have very close family friends who live in Toronto and it has become an annual event for them to watch a game and then we go for dinner, a visit and sometimes a walk before we would get back on the road and head home. Yesterday was no different and we had plans to have them meet us at the ballfield for the second game of the double header.
The first game was played under clear blue skies in a temperature that felt close to 40 degrees Celcius due to the humidity. Players were struggling to keep cool and both players and spectators were drinking lots and lots of water! We watched our son as a relief pitcher and he had a good outing. They won the game 10-0. Between games there is always a short time to allow the players to cool down and eat some lunch. We rushed out and picked up some subs and brought them back to the field for our lunches. While we were eating, we could see a very large, dark, ominous cloud to the west of us. The players, coaches and parents kept a close eye on it as it continued to move slowly towards us. The umpires arrived for the second game and also joined the rest of us in watching the sky start to darken. Then the wind picked up which was nice as it was very hot and humid and the wind provided us with some relief. The cloud was so threatening, that my husband and daughter packed up the cooler and the lawn chairs and returned them to our van. Our daughter chose to stay in the van. Just as my husband returned from the parking lot, the first spritz of rain started to fall. I put up my big umbrella and my husband put up his which he had grabbed from the van. The wind picked up some more, the temperature plummeted and the rain began in earnest. The team scrambled to put all their ball bags under the canopy that the coaches had erected and they all stood underneath to stay dry. Lightning started to shoot from the sky in the distance to the west and the north. It was still a fair distance away but we were definitely getting the rain. My husband had been in contact with our family friends who had forewarned us that the system was coming. It had hit their area of the city about 30 minutes before reaching us. As the storm was getting closer, I decided to make my way to the van. The wind was so strong that my umbrella was used as a shield in front of me to keep the driving rain from soaking me. As I walked across a soccer field to get to the van, I saw flashes of lightning and thunder close behind it. I was a little nervous!! I made it to the van and even managed to keep myself fairly dry! Not even 5 minutes later, I saw the home team coaches and players running for their vehicles. The second game was cancelled due to weather and will be rescheduled. My husband and son arrived in the van and off we went to go to our friends' home.
On route to our friends' home, the rain stopped and the sky brightened. We got to their condo and parked the van. As my son got out, I heard him say "We better make a run for it!" I jumped out of the van and started running for the front door of the condo. Then I heard "Cathy, stop!! I need your purse...your car keys!". Now it was raining in earnest. I stopped and opened my purse to get my car keys as my husband had locked his keys inside the van. In just that moment of stopping to get my keys, I was soaked! My purse was soaked! My sandals were soaked and then they become very slippery. So I can't run anymore or else I'll fall. My husband flies past me and says "Run!!". I couldn't run and I was already soaked to the skin. I walked as fast as was safely possible but by the time I made it into the entrance of the condo I was literally soaked, dripping and looking like a drowned rat! We made our way up to our friends' condo. As we walked off the elevator, my husband said to me "What's that sound?!" I stopped walking and replied "What sound?" It ended up being the squishing of the water in my sandals. They were so wet that every time I took a step, you could hear and see the water squishing out of the insides of my sandals! Our friends' welcomed us into their home and provided my husband and me with towels, sweatshirts, t-shirts and trackpants while they dried our clothes in the dryer. Our children were dry as they had made it into the condo entrance before the deluge of rain had hit.
While we dried out, we enjoyed a wonderful visit and listened to our daughter play the piano. When our clothes were dry, we got dressed and went out for dinner. We continued our conversations over dinner and then decided to head back to the condo for more visiting. Once we were back at the condo, out came more piano music for us to play and also the picture albums appeared containing pictures of my husband and one of our friends as little children. As we looked through the pictures, you could see my husband and his brother grow up to teenagers and young adults. Then you saw the addition of myself and my sister-in-law as we became part of the family. It was so nice to see the pictures and have them bring back memories. There were even pictures of our children when they were toddlers and preschoolers! Our daughter was looking at the pictures and commented on liking the dress our friend was wearing in one of them. Off went our friend and out comes the dress! My daughter tried it on and it looked fantastic on her! Out came another dress for her to try on and it, too, looked really good. So our friend gave my daughter the dresses to keep.
This was the first time that I'd seen these friends since being diagnosed with lymphoma and going through chemotherapy. These friends are more like family than friends! I had talked with them on the phone and they had followed along in the blog but it was just so nice to see them in person. The depth of love and warmth that I feel when I see family and friends for the first time since having lymphoma is overwhelming. I am filled with a sudden flow of warmth and strong emotions. This is because life is so unpredictable and the possibility was there that I might never have seen them again. I'm getting stronger now and I've survived my two days away.
I love when I can combine a normal activity such as baseball with nuclear family time and extended family time. This weekend I realized that our nuclear family time is also going to be more rare. This was our last weekend away for baseball ever. We've been doing this for ten years!! I'm glad that we were able to finish it off with our full family involved.
Friday, 13 July 2012
A Happy Day
This morning I decided to get out into the vegetable garden early before the forecasted heat built up. All the plants are so dry that they drink up the water almost immediately. I watered the plants with the hope that it will help them produce their fruit. At the same time I did some much needed weeding. I think I may plant some spinach next week or the following week because I just finished picking the spinach that I planted in May. While I watered my tomato plants in containers on our patio, I peeked at the three baby robins that are in the nest in our grapevines. I was concerned that they would find the heat too much for them. As I looked at them today, they are starting to get feathers and their eyes are finally open. While I peeked at them, one of them had its mouth wide open waiting for the mother robin to come and feed it. As I watered the plants near them, the mother robin scolded me from our neighbour's eaves. Once I was finished watering my plants, it was already very hot and humid.
I had a plan for the rest of my day. I would enjoy my lunch with my husband and then I would do some housework at home in the air conditioning. I did enjoy my lunch with my husband and on the way home, I thought "I can always do the housework but I don't always have the van. I'm going to drop by my friend's house. If she's home and available, I'll spend my afternoon visiting. If she's not home, then I'll continue on my way home and do the housework." So I dropped by my friend's house and she was home! We had a lovely visit and then it was time for me to go home. My son was planning to travel downtown by bus and I wanted to surprise him by getting home and driving him downtown. I missed him. He had already left. So then I drove down to pick my husband up from work as he starts his one week vacation.
After supper, my husband and I walked to Dairy Queen for ice cream and then we walked back home. It was just a little too long a walk for me as I ran out of energy part way home. It was a struggle to walk the rest of the way home. It took me over 30 minutes to regain a semblance of normalcy once I was home.
I'm pleased with what I did in my day. I enjoyed my lunch with my husband, my visit with my friend and my walk to Dairy Queen and home. I'm grateful that I have the strength to "do" but I'm still struggling to accept that my energy levels are not what they used to be. Tonight my muscles are very tired and I'm dragging. I keep hoping that I will get stronger and gain more endurance if only I keep working at it. I'm looking forward to the weekend. My son will be playing 4 games of ball over the weekend and I think we'll incorporate a visit with family at the same time. I just hope that I will have the energy to take it all in.
The single most thing that I've noticed since I was diagnosed with lymphoma is that I live fully in the moment and enjoy each and every moment in my day.
I had a plan for the rest of my day. I would enjoy my lunch with my husband and then I would do some housework at home in the air conditioning. I did enjoy my lunch with my husband and on the way home, I thought "I can always do the housework but I don't always have the van. I'm going to drop by my friend's house. If she's home and available, I'll spend my afternoon visiting. If she's not home, then I'll continue on my way home and do the housework." So I dropped by my friend's house and she was home! We had a lovely visit and then it was time for me to go home. My son was planning to travel downtown by bus and I wanted to surprise him by getting home and driving him downtown. I missed him. He had already left. So then I drove down to pick my husband up from work as he starts his one week vacation.
After supper, my husband and I walked to Dairy Queen for ice cream and then we walked back home. It was just a little too long a walk for me as I ran out of energy part way home. It was a struggle to walk the rest of the way home. It took me over 30 minutes to regain a semblance of normalcy once I was home.
I'm pleased with what I did in my day. I enjoyed my lunch with my husband, my visit with my friend and my walk to Dairy Queen and home. I'm grateful that I have the strength to "do" but I'm still struggling to accept that my energy levels are not what they used to be. Tonight my muscles are very tired and I'm dragging. I keep hoping that I will get stronger and gain more endurance if only I keep working at it. I'm looking forward to the weekend. My son will be playing 4 games of ball over the weekend and I think we'll incorporate a visit with family at the same time. I just hope that I will have the energy to take it all in.
The single most thing that I've noticed since I was diagnosed with lymphoma is that I live fully in the moment and enjoy each and every moment in my day.
Thursday, 12 July 2012
The Gift of Music
From the beginning of my journey with lymphoma, music has played a major role. This is not surprising as I am a musician in multiple disciplines and music has been part of my soul since I was a preschooler. The first sign that something was not right with me was when I could not sing the high notes during a lesson I was teaching. It was this along with trouble speaking and trouble breathing as I played my flute that made me stop and take notice. It was these symptoms that sent me to my family doctor and started me along the journey through lymphoma.
As I went through my chemotherapy treatments, I used my energy to think of positive things, feel the love of family and friends wrap itself around me and commune with God. However, during this time deep inside, I was mourning the temporary loss of my ability to sing and play my flute. I would go to the piano occasionally to play when I was strong enough, but I missed singing so much that it was a constant ache in my soul. I have tried to acknowledge this pain and yearning to myself and then move on and focus on what I can do.
Now that I'm in remission, it still feels like part of me is absent. That is the musical part of me. I've been playing the piano and that helps ease the ache. A few weeks ago, I tried to play my flute. Unfortunately, it seems to aggravate the larynx nerve which is damaged and is currently healing. This was a real blow to my inner self. I had hoped that I could at least play my flute and slowly join my friends in our chamber group on Wednesday evenings. I haven't played with them since November 23, 2011. I miss the music, the laughter and the fellowship. So again, I don't dwell on the fact that I'm not playing my flute or singing, but deep underneath, the sorrow is a constant ache.
Yesterday my friend, who I played flute and oboe duets with (she's the oboist) and we played together with our other friends on Wednesday nights, called me up and wondered if I would like to get together to make music together. Her suggestion was that I accompany her on the piano. This was like a rain shower on some very arid and thirsty flowers. My soul perked right up and was excited to get together today to make music with my very special friend who has been by my side right from the beginning in November.
I could hardly sleep last night because I was so excited to be playing with her even though it was in a new role. Unfortunately because I didn't sleep well, it was difficult to arise this morning. As a result, I was running a wee bit late. Once I arrived at my friend's house, we had a wonderfully enjoyable time of playing music from various genres. We played some pieces from different musicals as well as some music from the 1930's and 40's. This lifted my spirits so much and made me realize just how much I was missing my music. Music is an integral part of who I am.
One of the many different thoughts that I pondered while ill, was my tendency towards performance anxiety. I have always restricted myself to performing in church where it is generally an accepting audience. This doesn't mean that I don't strive to play at a high standard, but if I don't quite make it, then people are very forgiving. In the last seven years, I've let my anxiety get the better of me and I have not played my flute in church very often at all. I've allowed my fears to rule me. While I've been fighting the lymphoma and going through treatments, I prayed and thought about my role in my church in regards to my flute playing. I've always taught my children that the church is God's home. When we attend church, we are visiting in the home of our closest friend and supporter. Why should I fear to play for and worship my God in His/Her home? God doesn't want me to be afraid. God will be happy with my best effort. I realized my fears and anxiety actually come from what other people will think of me. Perhaps my performing in church was becoming more about impressing people rather than worshipping God.
It will be a long time yet before I'm ready to perform in church on my flute or by singing. My larynx nerve is still healing and I can't be using it until it is fully healed. Otherwise, I will just be extending the amount of time before I can use it again. In the meantime, I can play the piano and I can tend to the garden of my soul by enjoying making music with my friend as well as on my own. It's time to embrace my music in any way I can. I just have to remember and restrain myself from singing aloud. My soul will soar with the music and sing for me.
As I went through my chemotherapy treatments, I used my energy to think of positive things, feel the love of family and friends wrap itself around me and commune with God. However, during this time deep inside, I was mourning the temporary loss of my ability to sing and play my flute. I would go to the piano occasionally to play when I was strong enough, but I missed singing so much that it was a constant ache in my soul. I have tried to acknowledge this pain and yearning to myself and then move on and focus on what I can do.
Now that I'm in remission, it still feels like part of me is absent. That is the musical part of me. I've been playing the piano and that helps ease the ache. A few weeks ago, I tried to play my flute. Unfortunately, it seems to aggravate the larynx nerve which is damaged and is currently healing. This was a real blow to my inner self. I had hoped that I could at least play my flute and slowly join my friends in our chamber group on Wednesday evenings. I haven't played with them since November 23, 2011. I miss the music, the laughter and the fellowship. So again, I don't dwell on the fact that I'm not playing my flute or singing, but deep underneath, the sorrow is a constant ache.
Yesterday my friend, who I played flute and oboe duets with (she's the oboist) and we played together with our other friends on Wednesday nights, called me up and wondered if I would like to get together to make music together. Her suggestion was that I accompany her on the piano. This was like a rain shower on some very arid and thirsty flowers. My soul perked right up and was excited to get together today to make music with my very special friend who has been by my side right from the beginning in November.
I could hardly sleep last night because I was so excited to be playing with her even though it was in a new role. Unfortunately because I didn't sleep well, it was difficult to arise this morning. As a result, I was running a wee bit late. Once I arrived at my friend's house, we had a wonderfully enjoyable time of playing music from various genres. We played some pieces from different musicals as well as some music from the 1930's and 40's. This lifted my spirits so much and made me realize just how much I was missing my music. Music is an integral part of who I am.
One of the many different thoughts that I pondered while ill, was my tendency towards performance anxiety. I have always restricted myself to performing in church where it is generally an accepting audience. This doesn't mean that I don't strive to play at a high standard, but if I don't quite make it, then people are very forgiving. In the last seven years, I've let my anxiety get the better of me and I have not played my flute in church very often at all. I've allowed my fears to rule me. While I've been fighting the lymphoma and going through treatments, I prayed and thought about my role in my church in regards to my flute playing. I've always taught my children that the church is God's home. When we attend church, we are visiting in the home of our closest friend and supporter. Why should I fear to play for and worship my God in His/Her home? God doesn't want me to be afraid. God will be happy with my best effort. I realized my fears and anxiety actually come from what other people will think of me. Perhaps my performing in church was becoming more about impressing people rather than worshipping God.
It will be a long time yet before I'm ready to perform in church on my flute or by singing. My larynx nerve is still healing and I can't be using it until it is fully healed. Otherwise, I will just be extending the amount of time before I can use it again. In the meantime, I can play the piano and I can tend to the garden of my soul by enjoying making music with my friend as well as on my own. It's time to embrace my music in any way I can. I just have to remember and restrain myself from singing aloud. My soul will soar with the music and sing for me.
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
First Post-Chemo Holiday
I'm back after a 10 day hiatus where I had no internet access. I left on June 29 to go "camping" with my husband. Our son was left at home and our daughter was allowed to stay at a friend's house. We are full of gratitude to her friend's parents. Their generosity extended to us throughout my battle with lymphoma has been tremendous and we have no way of thanking them enough. We drove six hours to Carson's Camp at Sauble Beach. Sauble Beach is located on Lake Huron at the base of the Bruce Peninsula. We spent our Canada Day weekend there as we had a "Cousins' Weekend". My parents had a seasonal trailer in this campground for many years and I spent some time here as a teenager and young adult.
One of my favourite memories and activities is to arise early and go for a walk down to the beach and along the beach before anyone else is up and about. My memory of this always brings me peace and serenity as I remember the early morning dew on the grass, the birds cheerfully singing and rhythmic sound of the waves crashing on the beach. It is a time where I exist alone amid the cool morning breeze with the sand sifting through my toes as I walk along the beach. It was this memory that I was hoping to recreate each morning of my stay during the Cousins' Weekend. Unfortunately, my body and stamina were not up to the walk to the beach, along the beach and back. I could have walked to the beach from my campsite, but I would have been too tired to make my way back. I could have wallowed in self-pity as I realized my current limitations but instead I decided to walk briskly throughout our area of the campground in an effort to get stronger. We were located on the east side of the campground so my walks took me alongside the water's edge of Carson's Lake. This is a mud bottom lake where people can go canoing but there are not motorized craft allowed on the lake and there is no swimming allowed. My morning walks, which took place around 6:30 each morning, allowed me to see turtles, assorted birds and a blue heron. These walks were very enjoyable as I still saw the dewy blades of grass, the quiet peacefulness of the campground before people are awake and the still water of Carson's Lake as it looked like a mirror. After my walks, I would heat up some water in my electric kettle and enjoy a cup of instant coffee while I read my current book. In the background, I would hear people in the vicinity waking up. I would hear movements from other trailers as people climbed out of bed and then there would be the bang of the trailer doors as some people would make their way to the camp's washrooms and showers. Then there would be various sounds of pots and pans and eventually the smell of eggs or pancakes. Amidst these waking sounds, I would start to hear children's sleepy voices as they start their days.
Normally we go camping using our tent but this summer my body is not quite ready for the tent experience. So instead we rented a small portable cabin offered by the campground. From the outside it looked like a garden shed with wheels and a vinyl awning. On the inside, there was a double bed on one side and single bunk beds on the other side. In between the beds was a bar fridge and 2 electrical cooking coils to cook on which sat on a counter on top of the bar fridge. We are used to tenting and using our coolers and our portable gas hibachi along with our Coleman stove. We did use the fridge to keep our food cold but we didn't use the cooking coils. There was one electrical outlet which was enhanced with a muliple plug plug-in. There was water which was accessible through a hose on the outside of the cabin. I still had the tenting experience of heating my water to wash the dishes in my plastic hand basins.
Each afternoon of our Cousins' Weekend, we would meet up with my cousins and my siblings at one of the campsites. We would spend our afternoons visiting and snacking. We shared so many laughs throughout the day as we reminisced being young and meeting up on our grandparents' farm or being teenagers and hanging out at the beach. We created new memories as we enjoyed each other as adults. Our afternoons would continue as we all cooked our dinners together and shares meals with each other. After dinner, we would clean up together and then head over to another cousin's campsite for the evening campfire. I laughed so much during my Cousins' Weekend that my voice weakened and became scratchy. I guess I strained my larynx nerve again as my voice continued to be weak throughout the rest of my holiday. On Canada Day, my siblings left just before dinner. My husband and I enjoyed our dinner with my cousins and then we all went down to the beach for the municipal fireworks display in Sauble Beach.
We arrived at the beach just in time to see the beautiful orange and red display of the sun setting in the west on the horizon of Lake Huron. We set up our lawn chairs and shared our blankets as the wind was cool once the sun went down. We could see people lighting and sending off lanterns. These lanterns were red in colour and acted like hot air balloons. They were beautiful to see as they floated high into the air. As we watched the fireworks put on by Sauble Beach, we enjoyed the unexpected surprise of seeing the fireworks in Southampton and Port Elgin off in the distance. Those displays were reflected on the waters of Lake Huron. This was a wonderful finale to a great weekend of spending time with family. I felt tired but happy to be alive.
The following morning my husband cooked up a full breakfast of eggs, steak, bacon and potato homefries. We packed up and got on the road. We stopped at my brother's farm near Desboro for lunch and another beautiful visit. We continued on our way to Kitchener so my husband could drop me off at my other brother's place for the week. Unfortunately, along the way to Kitchener we came upon an accident involving a SUV and a motorcycle. This dampened both our spirits and bothered both of us as we went our separate ways during the week. My husband continued on his way home after delivering me to my brother's home.
After arriving at my brother's home and after my husband left to continue his journey home, my sister-in-law and I went to my aunt and uncle's home for dinner. We met up with my cousin and her husband who we had just seen up at Sauble Beach. They had also come upon the accident with the motorcyclist and apparenty he was alive and conscious when the ambulance took him from the scene of the accident. We all enjoyed a wondeful meal and visit with my aunt and uncle. What a fine end to a great weekend! It was 8:30 p.m. when my sister-in-law and I left to return to my brother's place. I was exhausted!!! As soon as we arrived, I fell into bed. The bed never felt so soft as I immediately drifted off to sleep and slept for 12 hours!
My week at my brother's was wonderfully relaxing. I slept, read and visited with my brother and his wife. My body was so tired that I didn't feel "normal" until Thursday which was three days after arriving at their home. On the Friday evening, my mother, sister-in-law and myself drove to Paris (near Brantford) for a bridal shower for my cousin. It was another evening of reconnecting with family and was full of laughter as we celebrated and feted my cousin as she prepares for her wedding. My voice again weakened as I talked and laughed alot with extended family.
My holiday came to an end on Monday when I took the train home. Once I was on board, I saw my brother and sister-in-law waving at me from the platform. We continued to smile and wave until the train took me away and I could no longer see them. It is such a relaxing way to travel and was eventful as we were delayed near Brighton for grass fire. I arrived home an hour late. As the train pulled into the station of my destination, I was so excited to see my husband standing waiting for me. I missed him so much. But again, I'm tired. This will take me a couple of days to recover but the whole ten days has been a celebration of life. It was a mixture of full, busy days and relaxing days. I met so many people who had prayed for me during my lymphoma diagnosis and subsequent chemotherapy and continue to pray for me as I'm in remission. LIFE IS AWESOME!!!
One of my favourite memories and activities is to arise early and go for a walk down to the beach and along the beach before anyone else is up and about. My memory of this always brings me peace and serenity as I remember the early morning dew on the grass, the birds cheerfully singing and rhythmic sound of the waves crashing on the beach. It is a time where I exist alone amid the cool morning breeze with the sand sifting through my toes as I walk along the beach. It was this memory that I was hoping to recreate each morning of my stay during the Cousins' Weekend. Unfortunately, my body and stamina were not up to the walk to the beach, along the beach and back. I could have walked to the beach from my campsite, but I would have been too tired to make my way back. I could have wallowed in self-pity as I realized my current limitations but instead I decided to walk briskly throughout our area of the campground in an effort to get stronger. We were located on the east side of the campground so my walks took me alongside the water's edge of Carson's Lake. This is a mud bottom lake where people can go canoing but there are not motorized craft allowed on the lake and there is no swimming allowed. My morning walks, which took place around 6:30 each morning, allowed me to see turtles, assorted birds and a blue heron. These walks were very enjoyable as I still saw the dewy blades of grass, the quiet peacefulness of the campground before people are awake and the still water of Carson's Lake as it looked like a mirror. After my walks, I would heat up some water in my electric kettle and enjoy a cup of instant coffee while I read my current book. In the background, I would hear people in the vicinity waking up. I would hear movements from other trailers as people climbed out of bed and then there would be the bang of the trailer doors as some people would make their way to the camp's washrooms and showers. Then there would be various sounds of pots and pans and eventually the smell of eggs or pancakes. Amidst these waking sounds, I would start to hear children's sleepy voices as they start their days.
Normally we go camping using our tent but this summer my body is not quite ready for the tent experience. So instead we rented a small portable cabin offered by the campground. From the outside it looked like a garden shed with wheels and a vinyl awning. On the inside, there was a double bed on one side and single bunk beds on the other side. In between the beds was a bar fridge and 2 electrical cooking coils to cook on which sat on a counter on top of the bar fridge. We are used to tenting and using our coolers and our portable gas hibachi along with our Coleman stove. We did use the fridge to keep our food cold but we didn't use the cooking coils. There was one electrical outlet which was enhanced with a muliple plug plug-in. There was water which was accessible through a hose on the outside of the cabin. I still had the tenting experience of heating my water to wash the dishes in my plastic hand basins.
Each afternoon of our Cousins' Weekend, we would meet up with my cousins and my siblings at one of the campsites. We would spend our afternoons visiting and snacking. We shared so many laughs throughout the day as we reminisced being young and meeting up on our grandparents' farm or being teenagers and hanging out at the beach. We created new memories as we enjoyed each other as adults. Our afternoons would continue as we all cooked our dinners together and shares meals with each other. After dinner, we would clean up together and then head over to another cousin's campsite for the evening campfire. I laughed so much during my Cousins' Weekend that my voice weakened and became scratchy. I guess I strained my larynx nerve again as my voice continued to be weak throughout the rest of my holiday. On Canada Day, my siblings left just before dinner. My husband and I enjoyed our dinner with my cousins and then we all went down to the beach for the municipal fireworks display in Sauble Beach.
We arrived at the beach just in time to see the beautiful orange and red display of the sun setting in the west on the horizon of Lake Huron. We set up our lawn chairs and shared our blankets as the wind was cool once the sun went down. We could see people lighting and sending off lanterns. These lanterns were red in colour and acted like hot air balloons. They were beautiful to see as they floated high into the air. As we watched the fireworks put on by Sauble Beach, we enjoyed the unexpected surprise of seeing the fireworks in Southampton and Port Elgin off in the distance. Those displays were reflected on the waters of Lake Huron. This was a wonderful finale to a great weekend of spending time with family. I felt tired but happy to be alive.
The following morning my husband cooked up a full breakfast of eggs, steak, bacon and potato homefries. We packed up and got on the road. We stopped at my brother's farm near Desboro for lunch and another beautiful visit. We continued on our way to Kitchener so my husband could drop me off at my other brother's place for the week. Unfortunately, along the way to Kitchener we came upon an accident involving a SUV and a motorcycle. This dampened both our spirits and bothered both of us as we went our separate ways during the week. My husband continued on his way home after delivering me to my brother's home.
After arriving at my brother's home and after my husband left to continue his journey home, my sister-in-law and I went to my aunt and uncle's home for dinner. We met up with my cousin and her husband who we had just seen up at Sauble Beach. They had also come upon the accident with the motorcyclist and apparenty he was alive and conscious when the ambulance took him from the scene of the accident. We all enjoyed a wondeful meal and visit with my aunt and uncle. What a fine end to a great weekend! It was 8:30 p.m. when my sister-in-law and I left to return to my brother's place. I was exhausted!!! As soon as we arrived, I fell into bed. The bed never felt so soft as I immediately drifted off to sleep and slept for 12 hours!
My week at my brother's was wonderfully relaxing. I slept, read and visited with my brother and his wife. My body was so tired that I didn't feel "normal" until Thursday which was three days after arriving at their home. On the Friday evening, my mother, sister-in-law and myself drove to Paris (near Brantford) for a bridal shower for my cousin. It was another evening of reconnecting with family and was full of laughter as we celebrated and feted my cousin as she prepares for her wedding. My voice again weakened as I talked and laughed alot with extended family.
My holiday came to an end on Monday when I took the train home. Once I was on board, I saw my brother and sister-in-law waving at me from the platform. We continued to smile and wave until the train took me away and I could no longer see them. It is such a relaxing way to travel and was eventful as we were delayed near Brighton for grass fire. I arrived home an hour late. As the train pulled into the station of my destination, I was so excited to see my husband standing waiting for me. I missed him so much. But again, I'm tired. This will take me a couple of days to recover but the whole ten days has been a celebration of life. It was a mixture of full, busy days and relaxing days. I met so many people who had prayed for me during my lymphoma diagnosis and subsequent chemotherapy and continue to pray for me as I'm in remission. LIFE IS AWESOME!!!
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