California Dreamin'

Yesterday was my first full day in California.  After a very long day of travel, I slept well and seemed refreshed yesterday morning.  I had a great day and seem to have settled into the new time zone very well.

I had a quiet day yesterday sitting on the patio of our friends' home.  The backyard is fully fenced which unfortunately is too high to see the view of the mountains while sitting.  However, when you stand up, the view of the valley and distant mountains is spectacular.  There isn't a lot of grassy lawn because of the heat of the summer season burns a lot of the grass off.  The yard has a little bit of grass with lots of mulch and stones throughout the rest of the yard.  Our friends are currently renting and the yard needs some upgrades by the owner.  At one time, you can see that there were cultivated plants around the outside of the yard at the base of the fence.  The roses have just finished blooming and there are some other shrubs that I don't recognize.  There are calla lilies along the back of the house which are perennials here as the winters are not severe.  There is also "weed" called ice plant which is a succulent, water saving plant that sends out runners and takes over.  The mature plant has yellow flowers but the younger plants have pink flowers.  Currently the ice plant in our friends' backyard has only yellow flowers.

As we sat and enjoyed the warmth of the sun (it's actually been cooler than at home!), we enjoyed watching the antics of the numerous hummingbirds that frequent the area.  For such tiny birds, they make quite the racquet when disturbed.  We obviously were in their space as they zipped in to partake of the nectar in the hummingbird feeder.  There was one male ruby-throated hummingbird that was more aggressive than the others.  He would charge at the other hummingbirds and chase them away from the yard.  He would also zoom past our heads as we sat on the patio.  It was fun to watch them.  We also saw numerous hawks lazily circling through the air in the warm afternoon as they searched for food.

It was a beautiful, warm and relaxing day as we visited with our friends.  It would be easy to get sunburned because the temperature was very comfortable.  I remembered to put my sunscreen on and wear my wide-brimmed hat.  I got a little bit of colour but I wasn't burned.  My friend calls my hat a "Holly Hobby Hat".  Early in the evening, around 7 p.m., a marine layer comes in off the ocean.  This is a shelf cloud that you see coming and as it approaches, the temperature drops very quickly and it is cool.  Apparently, you can sometimes smell the ocean as the marine layer approaches and takes over the evening skies.  Last night we had a small campfire in our friend's barbecue pit to help keep us warm as a wind also comes up along with the marine layer.  The marine layer seems to burn off sometime around 10 a.m. and then the temperature climbs to a more comfortable level.  I did go for a drive with my friend to the grocery store and we passed some cornfields along the way.  I made the comment that the corn stalks were so short.  They were not even knee-high yet!  My friend commented that the hot season hasn't come yet and also that the harvesting can happen much later in the Fall here because the temperature is much more moderate throughout the year.  This corn that I saw is more likely what we would see at home at the end of May or mid June.

Our friends are located near a village that is in a valley surrounded by mountains.  As we drove to the grocery store we went across a fairly wide bridge with a dried up riverbed beneath.  My friend commented that when it rains, this river becomes a torrent of raging water.  That's hard to believe when you see it fully dried up and the ground cracking!  All the homes in the area seem to have automatic sprinkling systems that come on during the evening.  As we drove, you could see palm trees and really large yucca type plants.  The flowers have obviously just finished as you see them dried and going to seed.  Many of the homes have a Spanish look to them with curved entrances, wrought-iron gates and stucco exteriors.  Also in the valley, there are "flower farms".  My friend drove me past one that had a whole field of chrysanthemums of every imaginable colour.  These flowers are not harvested as cut flowers but are allowed to go to seed and the seeds are harvested and sold.  There was another field of yellow as far as you could see.  My friend told me that it was a field of marigolds which again are harvested for their seeds.  Obviously this valley was the bottom of a lake in some previous age because you can see the dark, silt-like soil.  There was even a small vineyard that we passed on the way to the grocery store.

I think I will try to get out walking today.  I, unfortunately, tweaked a lower back muscle which I think was the result of waiting in the airport for hours on end.  I intend to try to walk every day so that it won't seize up.  I think the plan today is to again have a quiet day and then head to a local beach community for dinner tonight.  My friend warned me that I may feel very, very tall compared to the local people who are of Mexican descent.  So far I don't feel that way.  I'm excitedly anticipating today's adventures!

Reuniting With Friends!!!!

Well I've just started the first leg of my second holiday this summer.  This is another one that I can scratch off of my "Cathy Conquers Cancer Tour".  Tuesday we left home and drove to Toronto to stay at the Travel Lodge near the airport.  As we got to Ajax we hit some major thunderstorms.  It was all cleared up by the time we arrived at the hotel.  We had dinner with our son and he drove back home.  My husband and I decided to take a walk and ended up walking all the way to Terminal 1, through Terminal 1 and back to the hotel.  It was a hot and humid walk but very enjoyable.

Yesterday morning we took the airport shuttle to the airport so we were there by 9:30 a.m.  Our flight was supposed to leave at 12:35 p.m.  We knew that there was going to be a backlog of passengers due to the storms on Tuesday.  The flight board indicated our flight was delayed and wouldn't be leaving until 2:35 p.m.  We were in the check-in line when we were told that it was for only passengers leaving before 10:50 a.m.  We left the line as suggested.  We rejoined the check-in line at 12:30 and when we got to the check-in desk close to 2 p.m., we were told that our seats had been sold.  There was no room for us on the 2:35 flight.  We were then booked onto the next flight to L.A. at 4:55 p.m.  We spent the whole day at Pearson International Airport. I spent the time reading and finished my book. Finally we were on the plane and on our way!  Our seats were not together.  We had two seats side by side and the third seat was four rows behind.  Because no one was in the seat with the other two, I took that seat and when a gentleman arrived for his seat, the one I was sitting in, I asked him if he was flying alone.  He replied that yes he was so I explained our situation and asked if he could have my seat 4 rows back.  It was just a matter of switching an aisle seat for an aisle seat.  He was so nice and readily agreed.  It was nice that we were able to travel as a family of three.

We originally were supposed to arrive in L.A. at 3:35 p.m. and our friends, who live 3 hours away, were supposed to pick us up.  My husband managed to text them and let them know we were delayed and the ETA was changed to 7:00 p.m.  We touched down at LAX at 7:27 p.m.  We had to wait on the tarmac for an available gate to become open.  By the time we collected our baggage it was about 8:30 p.m.  I felt so bad for our friends.  They still had to drive 3 hours home and the "man of the house" had to be at work for 7:30 a.m. today.  We arrived at their home at 11:45 p.m.  I was so tired I could hardly speak clearly and keep my eyes open.  While my husband and daughter visited and got the house tour, I literally grabbed my pjs and dropped into bed.  I was sound asleep instantly and didn't wake up until 7:30 this morning.  I had a good night's sleep.

Unfortunately we didn't get to see the scenery on the drive north out of L.A. but I was able to see the jagged and rounded shapes of mountains against the "marine layer" which is a shelf cloud that comes off the Pacific Ocean.  Against the black of the mountain, I could make out a light gray shade which I was informed was the limestone rock faces.  As the highway wound along the coast, we could see square shapes of light off in the distance in the middle of the ocean on our left.  These were apparently oil wells.  The highway eventually left the ocean and wound through the mountains as we could again see the rugged shapes in the dark.  The rest of the trip was following a twisting and winding road through the middle of nowhere with mountains and hills enveloping us.  I'm looking forward to resting today and tomorrow.  I'm hoping I'll be able to get out for a walk today.  Although my body is slightly tired this morning, I'm still filled with excitement like what a child feels on Christmas morning when they are wiggly and can't wait to open their presents.  I feel this way as I can't wait to see the rugged scenery of the mountains and the beautiful ocean and experience the joys of living!


Keep tuned!!

The Scooter Ride

Yesterday was so hot that my three loads of laundry dried within three hours on the line outside.  In fact, some of the lighter materials dried within 30 minutes!  The reason for the big push on laundry is "I've packed my bags and I'm ready to go.  Just standing here outside your door......Leaving on the jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again."  Sorry, I couldn't resist those lyrics from the song entitled "Jet Plane" from years ago.  So I spent most of my day getting laundry done, clothes organized and started to pack up the suitcases.  I'm getting ready to strike off a major trip on my bucket list although my husband likes to call it my "living list".

I'm going to visit my really close friend in California who is like a sister to me.  Although she lives so far away, she has been right beside me from the time I went to my first appointment with my family doctor, through all the diagnostic testing and the referrals to other doctors and through the whole time I've had chemo.  When I was feeling sorry for myself in my blog as the side effects of the chemo got to me, she would put things in perspective in the right way that I would laugh or come up short with the realization that the awful chemo was going to make me better.  She understood when I could hardly talk and she wasn't offended when I wouldn't call her on the telephone.  We switched to emailing and communicating using the computer.  We're back to calling each other just whenever we feel like it.  I'm going to visit my friend!!!!  I can't wait!!!

So after I'd done what I could do with the packing for now, I watched the Olympics from London, England while my husband was outside barbecuing some ribs for an early dinner.  He had an early evening softball game to play.  While he was cooking the ribs, he was also downloading the pictures off our camera so it will be ready for our trip.  I joined him at the computer and we scrolled through the pictures.  Throughout my treatment, he tried to take a picture each day to document the ordeal.  As we went through the pictures, you could definitely see the toll that the chemo took on me.  I eventually had to leave my husband at the computer because I couldn't handle seeing those awful pictures.  It's still too fresh in my memory and it was making me feel ill.

After supper, as my husband was getting ready to play ball, he invited me to come and watch which meant riding on the back of his scooter.  I've gained too much weight and the ride wouldn't be very far so we thought that the poor scooter could handle both of us without bottoming out as it went over the bumps in the road.  Unfortunately, my husband's team didn't have enough players show up to play the game and they had to forfeit the game.  So we hopped back on the scooter to go home.  As my husband was pulling out of the diamond, he said "Do you want to take the long way home?"  Well, sure!  I have no plans.  It's a beautiful evening.  Why not take the long way home.  I thought it would be a scenic route through the back suburban streets.  Nope. Wrong.  He went down to the water and hooked a left.  The night was warm and you could smell the lake long before we were beside it.  The poor little scooter was whining away as it transported the two of us.  We drove along the lake and then past the grocery store.  I was enjoying watching the scenery go by when I realized that my husband's friend was waving at us from somebody else's front porch.  You see my husband's scooter is bright red with a windscreen.  He, himself, is very distinctive as he sits tall with a white "ping pong" helmet.  He's very easy to recognize on the scooter.  Anyway, we waved as we went by.  We continued along the water and past another subdivision.  This time I could smell steaks, hamburgers, wood smoke (I wonder if someone was smoking their meat or if it was a chimerea?), and in behind those wonderful aromas was the faint smell of the lake.  This really was a very "long way home"!  We followed the lake and went past the hospital where the Cancer Centre is and also where I had my chemo treatments.

As I saw the hospital coming up on my left, I immediately was feeling the phantom effects of nausea and that awful taste that was always in my mouth after treatment.  EWWWWW!!!!!  I remember my oncologist telling me that these phantom effects will eventually pass.  It's been three months since my last treatment and it is still there!

We continued following the lake and I admired the old, colonial homes that still look so stately and well-kept.  As my husband made the different turns to continue following the lakeshore, we ended up in the downtown with all the restaurants and patios.  Oh, the mouth-watering aromas that assaulted my nose!  There were definitely steaks, french fries, hamburgers...oh..oh... yummy....fish!  Definitely riding on the back of the scooter gives you a much different perspective than riding in the car!  My husband continued on past City Hall and the park across the street.  There was a Salvation Army church service happening in the park as we went by.  They were praying and give thanksgiving for the music.  Oh.  My husband made a left and found a small parking spot.  He suggested getting off and stretching our legs.  So we wandered down to the waterfront and just as we were about to cross the street to go watch the boating activity on the water, he suggested "Why don't we go get some ice cream first?".  Well, when am I ever one to refuse ice cream!  So we visited the White Mountain Ice Cream store.  I love their ice cream and all their different flavours.  I had a waffle cone with one scoop of caramel crunch ice cream.  We wandered down to the park and sat on the bench to people watch and also watch the boats coming in after a day on the water as we enjoyed each and every lick of our ice cream.  There were tourists taking pictures by the water fountain.  There were couples with young families who had been at the church service.  It must have just been finishing when we drove by.  There was a very fit, young man with no shirt, carrying a big gas can.  I thought perhaps he worked for the tour boat company or maybe his own boat was moored and he needed to fill the gas can.  That's what I like about people watching.  I like to guess where they've been, where they're going and what they're doing.  There were young children running around and enjoying the warm, summer evening.  All this while we enjoyed our ice cream cones.

After our ice cream was done and we had relaxed for a little bit, we walked back to the scooter and climbed aboard.  I thought "Well now we'll head home."  I was thinking that we would take the quick route home now.  Nope.  We bipassed the restaurants and patios.  We drove down the original main road which then becomes the main street along the water again.  This time as we went by the hospital, I didn't have any reaction.  That was good.  Maybe it's going to be a thing of the past.  As we drove, a few times I thought to myself, "He's going to turn here and take us home".  Nope.  Each time I thought that, he went straight through and continued along beside the water.  At the last interection, I thought for sure he was turning towards home as the scooter slowed down.  But nope.  He turned left instead of right and we were following the water again.  Although we could still smell the lake, we were in an old area of what used to be cottages but are now huge, beautiful homes set down through the trees on the lakeshore.  Most of the houses you can see glimpses of through the trees.  Some houses are fully concealed by the mature trees.  In amongst all these large homes, was one orginal small cottage.  I loved it!!  As we passed by, the trees opened up and there was the lake!  My husband continued on and took me to the little parking area across from the airport.  This is the spot he has taken me to throughout my illness to help get me out of the house.  He would bundle me up and drive me here when I was very weak and ill.  We would just park and watch the water roll in on the shore.  This is the spot where he took my picture at the beginning of January for this blog.  That picture was taken before I started any of the treatments. When my aunt, uncle and cousin visited in March, we took them here to see the sunset and the view.  Now...we climbed off the scooter and all those memories disappeared as wisps into the air.

We took off our helmets and put them on the scooter.  Then we climbed down the steep bank to the rocky, pebble-filled beach.  It was so nice to stand there.  The smell of the lake was not the most pleasant but I think that was because it has been such a very hot, dry summer and a lot of seaweed and vegetation is rotting under all the pebbles and rocks.  My husband took some pictures and then we made the climb back up.  We had been at this spot once before in May just after my last treatment.  I remember I could hardly climb up the steep embankment after having got down to the water's edge.  Yesterday, I was able to climb up the bank fairly easily.  I'm getting stronger.  It is these little comparisons that help me see the differences and notice that I'm still getting stronger.  This time when we climbed on the scooter, we made our way home.  We did go past the large homes and I think I even saw a former piano student walking his dog.  I didn't realize that until we were passed or else I may have waved at him.  Oh well.  When we got home, my daughter wondered how the game went.  I filled her in on our little adventure and then asked it there were any phone calls.  My mother had called, so I called her back and had a very nice visit with her. Then it was off to bed.

What a great day it ended up being!

The Last Ball Game

Today I travelled to watch my son play baseball again.  What makes this weekend different is that my son is in his last year of Midget Rep baseball and the local organizations have never offered up a Junior level rep team.  I'll be going away on holiday and leaving my son behind.  He'll have one regular season game left and then the playoff weekend in August.  This all takes place while I'll be away.  So as a result, today was the last time I will see my son play rep baseball.

As mentioned in the post entitled "Graduation Day", my son was introduced to baseball at a very young age.  He started playing T-Ball when we lived near Avonmore, Ontario.  He was 3 years old.  He had spent the first three summers of his life watching his father and I play softball.  From the time that he could walk, he would run the bases with his father after every game.  So by the time he was old enough to play t-ball, he already knew many of the rules.  At one of the first games of t-ball, he was playing first base and fielded the ball and then immediately stepped on first base.  He knew the batter should be out and he was very indignant when the coaches stated the batter could stay on first base.  My son argued that the runner was out.  That was the rule after all.  We had to pull him aside and explain that the other children were just learning how to run the bases and everybody was safe in this game.  When we moved to our current home, we didn't know there was a hard ball baseball organization, so we registered him in softball.  He played very well that year and I remember him making some amazing plays.  There was one specifically where he was playing shortstop and caught a hard line drive to make the out.  I remember a parent from the opposing team speaking to my son after the game and complimenting him on his great play.  The following year we signed him up for hardball.  They registered him into the Rookie age group which used a pitching machine. Our son was very bored but we encouraged him to stay with it and help the other children learn the game.  One night, the coach approached our son and asked him if he'd like to play up an age level (Mosquito) and help out another team who didn't have enough players.  My son was very excited to be "called up to the big leagues"!!  He went over to the next diamond and the coaches put him out in right field where there wouldn't be a lot of activity.  The very first pitch and BAM!!!!  The ball left the bat in a hurry and went out into right field.  Our son fielded the ball after it hit the ground and threw the ball accurately from right field to home plate to get a runner out.  I remember hearing "Who's that kid?!  What an arm!!".  The following year, our son was registered up into the "Mosquito" level even though he was still at the Rookie age.  Eventually we registered him into Mosquito Rep ball a couple of years later and then began our many years of travelling to different cities and ball parks.  We have met many different people and families over the years.

"Rep Baseball" means Representative Baseball.  This is where players go through try outs to make the team so that the roster ends up being the best players in the area.  This is all in an effort to improve skills and provide a higher level of competition.  Our son fully embraced this level of baseball from the Mosquito level all the way through to Midget.  He has enjoyed many hours of baseball.  It has challenged his emotions.  It has challenged his integrity.  For me the highlights have been watching him play in the OBA (Ontario Baseball Association) Championship game and winning the championship.  Another highlight was watching him play in the EOBA (Eastern Ontario Baseball Association) All-Star Game.  Last year he made the Cannon Cup team where he pitched and threw off a very good team of Venezuelan players.

So today signified the end of all of these many years of baseball.  It was a double header, meaning that they played two games with only 30 minutes between the end of the first and the beginning of the second game.  In this league, when there is a double header, each game is only seven innings long.  My son was the starting pitcher in the second game.  He pitched the first five innings and the other team only got one hit off of him.  As my son was getting tired, the coach substituted the shortstop in as pitcher and my son finished the game by playing shortstop.  He immediately turned a double play.  That's my boy!!  I was so proud.  They won the second game by a score of 8-0.

As I watched the games today, I had mixed emotions.  I was definitely the proud momma.  I felt sad because it is the end of an era.  I was definitely nostalgic as I recalled all the years of baseball.  My husband and I reviewed the many ball parks that we've visited and came up with our favourite three.  Our three favourite ball parks where our son played over the years are 1) Riverside Park in Peterborough, 2) Kinsmen Park in Oshawa and 3) Iroquois Park in Whitby.  But I digress.  Back to my mixed emotions.  I was happy watching my son today.  But I was also feeling some hope and excitement about what we might do with our weekends next year without baseball.  Maybe we'll go camping.  That would be fun.  Maybe we'll just chill out at home.  Maybe we'll be able to visit some of the local attractions such as the provincial parks, vineyards or whatever peeks our curiosity.  My emotions were swinging through the whole gamut today.  Part of me hopes that this year's team will make it through the playoffs and then we can still catch one more game before the season is finished for good.  If not, it's been a great time and I'm definitely proud of my son.  He has always played with intensity and given 110%.

The game has taught him how to battle through adversity.  He has learned how to be a team player.  He has learned how to work with a range of different personalities.  He has tasted failure and he has tasted victory.  My hope for my son is that he will always enjoy the game of baseball whether he is a spectator, a player, a coach or an umpire. 

A Day Spent Outdoors

Yesterday I ran into my hairdresser.  I knew that she had been diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer back in March so I was really happy to hear "I like your hair!" when I was walking through the grocery store.  It was my hairdresser!!  Her hair is growing back in but my hair is slightly longer at the moment.  I was just so glad to see her.  She isn't totally finished her journey of treatments but I'm keeping her in my prayers as I hope there is a good outcome.

I woke up with energy this morning.  This was great as I need to get myself ready to go on my next vacation.  So today I got a load of laundry done and hung out.  I still had energy!  (As an aside, who knew that I would get excited about doing laundry a year ago!!)  Yesterday, we received some badly needed rain.  It rained all day which was good news as my vegetable plants were wilting.  Today my flowers are looking perkier and my vegetable garden looked happier.  So this morning, I took the opportunity of some cooler air to pull weeds and clean up my gardens.  I've neglected them because I've either been too tired to spend time on them or I've been too busy visiting with friends and family.  As I pulled the weeds, I listened to the cardinal singing away.  She was answered by the blue jay who was squawking at a black squirrel.  I also heard birds singing (squawking) that we have heard for the last few weeks.  My husband and I saw one last week when we went for a walk.  It was a larger bird and when I looked in my bird book, it looked like a sharp-shinned hawk.  Today once I was finished weeding, I looked up the bird call of a sharp-shinned hawk on Google.  I really think we have a family of them in the neighbourhood.  Maybe they nested up the street in the park but there are three young ones that I have seen flying through the neighbourhood.  They're very noisy.

As I weeded my vegetable garden and my flowerbeds this morning, it was very relaxing and peaceful to hear all the birds.  I was just finishing my weeding when I felt the heat starting to get to me.  As I went inside, I realized that I had been outside for about 3 hours!!  Today was certainly a better day for me.  I even got another load of laundry done and hung outside to dry.

An acquaintance of my husband's (who lives far away from us) is fighting for his life with lung cancer.  We discussed him tonight as we sat on the patio waiting for our supper to cook.  My husband seemed to get the feeling that his friend may be giving up.  As I listened, I wondered what I could do or say to help both my husband and his friend (and his wife).  I realized that the iron will to live and fight has to come from within.  How do you motivate someone (kick someone in the butt) to decide to fight for their life even though they are tired, sore, sick and perhaps depressed.  Yesterday, I felt the urge to contact my husband's acquaintance.  I've never met this man.  He doesn't know me.  I sent him a private message in an effort to encourage him.  I mentioned the different foods that helped to boost my immune system during treatments.  I mentioned how ginger green tea helped me feel better and tasted better than water.  I tried to encourage him.

Before my diagnosis of lymphoma, I couldn't speak or write to people who had cancer.  I never knew what to say.  As I talked with my hairdresser and then discussed with my husband his acquaintance, I realized that in some ways I still don't know what to say!  My prognosis was very good....how can I offer hope to those whose prognosis is not as good?  What do I say?  I get the sense that both of these people are not very religious.  How do I help them?  For me, my belief and faith was everything!!  How do I encourage someone who doesn't have that faith?  I don't want to "convert" them.  I just want to offer them some motivation to hope and make their current quality of life better.  I feel compassion for them.

As I think about these things, I realized that I repeated my mantra "one breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time" so many times during the course of my chemotherapy treatments.  So with my husband's acquaintance, maybe he just needs to concentrate on one breath at a time until the nausea and pain passes.  Then while waiting for appointments, maybe he needs to think just one moment at a time....and make each moment worth remembering for himself and all of his family.  A moment can be spent outdoors just sitting and enjoying a loved one's company.  A moment can be sitting in the car while it is parked overlooking the lake or favourite natural spot.  A moment might be writing a letter to your child where you pour out your heart, hopes and dreams for them....just in case you don't make it.  A moment can then lead to a step.  Just like a toddler takes one step before falling down, then another step or two before falling down.  That toddler fixates on where he/she wants to get to.  This is what I did when I didn't feel well.  I fixated on my next reward to myself when I knew I would start to feel a little better.  That reward would be a visit with friends or family.  Or a car ride out and about to just get a different view and scenery.

I'll continue to pray for these two people as well as three other people that I know are struggling with various forms of cancer.  I still don't know what to say to them.  I also feel guilty that I'm in remission and moving forward with vacation plans.  I even see the return to work is on my horizon.  I'll pray for myself for guidance in knowing what to say and also for a release of feeling badly that I'm surviving and getting stronger each day while people around me are still struggling, crawling and fighting this horrible disease.

Anxiety and Moderation

Last week my husband was on vacation.  We enjoyed many activities and visits but perhaps I extended myself too much.  I tend to be a person that doesn't do things in moderation.  I have always liked to be busy and want to visit with everyone at every opportunity.  I have always thought that I will have plenty of time to rest and slow down when I'm very old or dead.  Life is for living to the utmost.  That has always been my way of looking at it.

My current reality is that I don't have the physical energy to keep the hectic pace I once lived.  My hope is that my energy levels will increase to the level I had before I had lymphoma.  I'm stubborn and refuse to accept what other survivors have told me which is "I still haven't gained the energy I had before".  This came from people who have survived 20 years up to a more recent 2 years.

My dilemna is that this is my son's last summer of playing rep baseball and I don't want to miss any of his games.  Early in the season, I did have to miss games just because I really didn't have the energy to sit through a whole game or to travel away.  In the last week, I've pushed myself.  Today I'm paying the price of being exhausted and sore.  In an effort to participate in my husband's holidays and do things that are very enjoyable for both of us, in the last seven days we've gone to Wesport, Cornwall, dinner out with friends, rest day (although that included laundry, shopping, cleaning), a day at the baseball field then dinner out and a movie, a day visiting friends around their pool and a barbecue, then a day of shopping and visiting my sister and her family at their campsite, and finally another day of cleaning, having my sister and her family for dinner and another night at the ball field.  These were all activities (other than the cleaning and laundry) that are lifetime memories and warm family/friend moments.  I really couldn't say no to any of them.  As a result, I was so exhausted travelling from Cornwall that I was seeing double and dizzy.  This happened again while visiting my sister's campsite the other night and my son had to drive me home early.

As you can tell, I've not been doing things in moderation.  So here is my current dilemna.  I can explain away the exhaustion as part of the busy-ness.  I could even explain away the aches and pains as part of the busy-ness.  But I'm also fighting some anxiety.   In addition, I've been burping more after meals again.  My bowels have been a little more loose the last few days.  I can explain all this away as being too busy, tension, etc.  My anxiety comes from the fact that the symptoms for my lymphoma were the same except for the bowels.  Is it back?!  I pray that this is not the case.  However, the exhaustion I've been fighting with the last number of days is very similar to what I felt last Fall before I was diagnosed.  My speaking voice is still weak although not as weak as it was at the end of November.  I still can't sing although that is a foregone side effect of the lymphoma and chemotherapy.

I weigh my decisions on which activities to engage in based on whether they will provide lifetime memories and whether they reconnect and enhance my personal relationships with friends and family.  I also make these decisions after mulling over whether the activity will nurture the physical, emotional and spiritual realms of my being.  Going to Westport, nurtured my physical being (walking), emotional being (spending time with family and friends) and spiritual being (the connections of nature and the uniqueness of some of the stores' stock).  Going to Cornwall nurtured my emotional being by spending time with my husband and some of my old friends who I haven't seen in years.  Going to dinner with friends also nurtured my emotional being as I hadn't seen them socially in years.  Watching my son play baseball, nurtured my emotional being as it helps to strengthen bonds with my husband and son.  Visiting with friends at their home around the pool, nurtured my physical being (swimming), my emotional being (feeling the love and warmth of friends) and my spiritual being (floating in the water and feeling totally relaxed amid the beautiful surroundings).  Visiting with my sister and her family at their campsite was like a balm to the soul as we went swimming in the pool, relaxed and visited at the campsite and enjoyed laughter and food as we created lifetime memories for our children, nieces and nephew and family.  It also gave me an opportunity to spend time with our children's boyfriend and girlfriend.  Last night we again had a great time with my sister and her family.  I really don't get an opportunity to see my nieces and nephew very often.  We normally see them once a year as there is a large extended family get together.  It is not a time of one-on-one with them.  Last night, it was so nice to literally wrap my arms and blanket in warmth around my nieces as we watched our son play baseball.  This was the first time his aunt, uncle and cousins saw him play ball.  I enjoyed the soft conversations I had with my nieces.

So although the last week has been too busy, it has been a week of warm, wonderful memories.  I struggle with wanting to cram everything into this summer.  Maybe it's because I realize what a gift life is and how short-lived that gift can be.  I know that I am thanking God every morning and night for all these marvelous opportunities.  At the same time, I'm living with anxiety as my body is showing either new symptoms or else showing the results of a busy time.  Today I'm resting in the hopes that it will help.  I pray every day that this horrible disease will not return.  I'm now going to sit on my patio and enjoy nature as I try to calm my thoughts.

"Do I" or "Don't I" and Choices

Life is about choices.  Since finishing the chemotherapy for my lymphoma, I'm getting stronger and more healthy each week and I have more choices of activities that I can choose to do.  This past week, I chose to travel to Westport one day and Cornwall the next day.  These two days of activity tired me out.   On Thursday I had many options of activities to do.  I could have gone grocery shopping for items we need to replenish in the house.  I could cleaned my kitchen.  I could have cleaned my bathrooms.  I could have dusted the house.  I could have vacuumed my floors and washed the kitchen, bathroom(s) and entrance way floors.  That day I was very tired from two days of travelling and I was struggling with "do I or don't I".  I chose to ignore the options and I rested.  I did go out for dinner on Thursday night with friends but even so I was very tired when I returned home.

Friday, I chose to do my laundry with the intention to clean my bathrooms.  I finally chose to finish trimming my shrubs in the front of the house.  Again, I ran out of energy and I chose to rest after finishing the laundry.  I also chose to make a special dinner for my husband and son.  I created a rub for my whole chicken and then cooked it as a "beer can chicken" on the barbecue.  Paired with mashed potatoes and a zucchini dish that was done on the barbecue, we enjoyed a wonderful dinner.  My husband and I then chose to go for a walk after dinner. Again, I was very tired after we returned home.

Saturday I spent the day at the local baseball field watching my son play baseball.  When we returned home and washed off all the infield dirt that was discolouring our skin, my husband and I went out on a "date".  We've been wanting to do this but we've either been too busy or I haven't had enough energy.  In the last 2 months, I feel like I'm constantly weighing my choices and thinking "Do I or Don't I".  Last night, I decided to go out on my date with my husband even though I was tired.  We went to St. Huberts Restaurant for dinner and then we went to a movie.  We got home just after 10 p.m.  I went to bed because I was tired.

Today we went to our friends' house for an afternoon at the pool and then a barbecue.  I had a great time and it was wonderful to see them again.  I noticed that my stamina still isn't quite what it was.  Swimming in the pool tired me out very, very quickly.  I used to be able to swim multiple lengths and I couldn't even do one length.  It was nice to have a pool to jump into though when the hot flashes hit me this afternoon.  The option of "Do I or Don't I" hit me again tonight when we got home.  My son and husband had a softball game to play this evening.  My son's girlfriend was going to the game to watch them play.  I so wanted to go along because I wanted to watch the boys play ball and also spend time with my son's girlfriend.  I was feeling very torn with the "Do I or Don't I" dilemna.  I chose to stay home because I can feel that my body is really tired tonight.  I have another busy day tomorrow so I need to  rest up so that I can enjoy another day to the absolute fullest.

I'm happy that I have all these choices and opportunities.  I really enjoy spending time with my various friends and especially my husband and family.  I still have to learn to pace myself and I begrudgingly make my "don't" decisions.   My heart and mind are willing to go and embrace life to the fullest by participating in everything that comes along.  My body is still telling me it isn't ready to do that quite yet.  So I'll listen to it for now and yearn for the day that I have my full energy back again.