As I post this today, there is a clear, blue sky with lots of sunshine. I haven't been outside yet but it looks warm and inviting. I've seen the birds flitting in to feed at my birdfeeder which my husband moved to the front of the house this winter so we could watch the birds throughout the winter. There wasn't much activity at the feeder this winter because it has been too blustery, windy and stormy. This past week and this morning there are more visitors to our seed buffet. Even the squirrels have been trying to snatch some of the seeds. I saw my neighbour walk by with his dog and realized that it must be much colder than it looks as his coat collar was turned up and he was hunkered down into his coat to keep warm. He was also walking very quickly.
I have always loved nature but I find that in the two years of remission from my lymphoma, I still see the beauty in nature more than I ever did before. I'm also continuing to make time each morning for meditation, reflection and prayer. There is so much to pray for!! Prayers for health for myself, family, friends and acquaintances. Prayers for guidance as I try to be the best parent I can be. Prayers for wisdom. Prayers of support for community leaders and my church leaders. Sometimes when I wake up during the night, I lay in bed and pray for the safety of my children and their friends as they all navigate becoming their own persons.
I'm currently in the season of Lent. I don't give up anything for Lent but I do try to focus on my faith a little more. I try to recognize and pray for the various injustices in the world without becoming depressed and overwhelmed. I'm currently following a prayer calendar where there are daily suggestions on what to pray for as well as ideas for where to pray. Today's suggestion was to pray while I walk silently. I'm hoping to go out for a walk this afternoon and do this. To me prayer does not mean always speaking out loud or thinking the prayer in my head. Sometimes, I think that prayer can be just "being" and communing with God. I envision the walk this afternoon to be me and God side by side walking along maybe holding hands. I find this mental picture to be very peaceful and comforting. I'm also using a study guide called "Lamentations for Lent" which uses the psalms and reflects on them. My minister is constantly challenging us to live and search for joy in this time of Lent. I'm finding the "Lamentations for Lent" paradoxical as it could be very depressing but I find hope and joy through the comfort of God. It's kind of like when I was feeling really sick, achy and tired when in chemotherapy. I remember laying on my side in bed and looking at my grandma's crucifix on my wall. I felt really miserable and weak. Certainly not something that inspires joy. But I also felt God's presence and compassion. This transformed all the "crap" I felt to something much better and almost akin to a deep joy in my soul. I don't mean happiness but a joy that God was with me and comforted me.
As I've started to live an ordinary life since returning to health after my chemotherapy two years ago, I wanted to live in such a way that I make a real difference to the world. This has been a struggle. It's one thing to want to make a difference but HOW do you make a difference? I'm just a wife. I'm just a mother. I'm just a piano teacher. I'm not a corporate executive overseeing business decisions that affect the world greatly. I saw a quote a couple of weeks ago that has resonated within. It was something like "To be happy you need to make ordinary moments extraordinary." So that's my attempt to make a difference. I truly care about my piano students. I encourage them at every lesson. Yesterday, I was out shopping and a former student came up to me and said hi. I was so pleased to see her and with her was one of my current students! I felt such joy and love for these two girls and was very pleased that they went out of their way to say hello. Maybe I'm making a difference. I try to make a difference as a mother by being interested in what my children are doing and being their cheerleader and supporter. I try to offer guidance. I don't know if it is working but I'm continually hoping and praying that I do make a difference.
I try to make a difference in my daily routine by focusing in on the moments of my day. I must admit that I'm able to do this better now especially since my brain is not able to handle multiple ideas and distractions anymore. This means I am living fully in the moments with my friends and family. I don't know if it makes a big difference in "the world" but it might make a difference to the people I interact with. I do know that by playing piano at the Cancer Centre once a week, my music touches various people in ways that I am not aware of.
Just think how different our world would be if people were focused and fully in the moment with other people that they interact with. What a difference it would make in the world if we could just extend some love and kindness to everyone we met such as ourselves (how can we love someone else if we hate/dislike something about ourselves?), family, friends and even strangers. A simple smile and hello such as what my students extended to me can make such a difference!
So maybe I can and am able to make a difference in my ordinary life and routines. The experience of having had lymphoma and chemotherapy continues to transform me even two years later. I continue to work on improving my faults to make me a better person so that I can live in this world and make a positive difference to the world through my existence. I will continue to enter my team "Cathy Conquers Cancer" in the Relay for Life each year. It is one way that I can help raise money to fund the cancer research and support programs that can make a difference to those who suffer from cancer in the future.
If you're interested in making a donation to "Cathy Conquers Cancer" follow this link and click on "Make a Donation":
http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR?fr_id=14852&pg=entry
Monday, 17 March 2014
Thursday, 6 March 2014
The Aging Brain.....Chemo Brain and Menopause
Because I have been feeling so good, I've been keeping extra busy. I have been feeling a little tired and just kept charging forward with all my social activities, work responsibilities and family responsibilities. I'm not complaining at all because I'm very happy that I'm healthy and able to do all this. I forgot to mention in my last post that I spend a wonderful evening with my husband and friends at the end of February. We went to a local German restaurant for a leisurely dinner and then off to the local large entertainment venue to watch a Chicago concert. You know, the group from the 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's and even now. They are continuing to write new music. It was wonderful to see the real wind instruments and they put on an amazing show. But I know that my body is telling me to stop, slow down and recharge. I've ignored the tiredness up to now. But now my brain is reminding me that I need to listen to the body.
One night earlier this week, I asked my husband "Did you put out the lunch?". That wasn't what I was thinking and as soon as it came out of my mouth I knew that wasn't what I wanted to say. I had to stop and think. Then I said "I mean did you put out the garbage?" You see it was our garbage collection the next day. I know that I am adjusting to my new reality because if this had happened 6 months ago, I would have been panicking and thinking it was chemo brain. All it is menopause combined with tiredness. My husband and I can laugh about these little instances now. It still bothers me especially when I can't think of the correct word that I'm wanting to use. That same day earlier this week, I was teaching piano and I wanted to draw my student's attention to the staccato markings in the music. She is still just learning how to play a light staccato and doesn't always remember the term "staccato". So there I was sitting in the chair and I pointed to the music and said "Don't forget to play the butter tarts." Immediately, I knew that wasn't right and I wondered where on earth did that come from!!. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn't remember the word! My student just looked at me like I had lost my mind. I apologized and indicated that I was tired and we had a good laugh. Then I continued on with saying "Don't forget to play the staccato". I reviewed with her the term and as she continued with the giggles (butter tarts?!! Sheesh!!!) as she practised playing a light staccato.
This morning this happened again. I was playing piano duets and I couldn't remember the term "fingerboard" which refers to a part of the wood portion of the piano at the back of the keys. Thanks goodness I was playing with a good friend. I just substituted the word "wood part" and pointed. She graciously gave me the word I was looking for. We again had a good laugh as this is all part of menopause (or mental pause as good friends refer to it).
Generally, my brain is working well. My new reality is that I can't multi-task well anymore. I can't do things and talk to people at the same time. So I'm adjusting and just do one thing at a time. As my son so nicely said "You are just down at everyone else's level now, Mom." He has said this when I get frustrated because my memory is not a sharp and I mentally can't keep track of things as well. I have to refer to this as my new reality and accept it.
With March Break occurring this week, I will have a reduced teaching schedule which is probably good considering that my brain is reminding me to slow down. So Happy March Break everyone. Let's hope that Spring will arrive soon. Two years ago at this time, the weather was so warm that I was able to sit on the patio and listen to the birds. Now I still have 2 feet of snow on the patio and there are still mountains of snow banks. The warmth of the sun is still enjoyable though.
One night earlier this week, I asked my husband "Did you put out the lunch?". That wasn't what I was thinking and as soon as it came out of my mouth I knew that wasn't what I wanted to say. I had to stop and think. Then I said "I mean did you put out the garbage?" You see it was our garbage collection the next day. I know that I am adjusting to my new reality because if this had happened 6 months ago, I would have been panicking and thinking it was chemo brain. All it is menopause combined with tiredness. My husband and I can laugh about these little instances now. It still bothers me especially when I can't think of the correct word that I'm wanting to use. That same day earlier this week, I was teaching piano and I wanted to draw my student's attention to the staccato markings in the music. She is still just learning how to play a light staccato and doesn't always remember the term "staccato". So there I was sitting in the chair and I pointed to the music and said "Don't forget to play the butter tarts." Immediately, I knew that wasn't right and I wondered where on earth did that come from!!. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn't remember the word! My student just looked at me like I had lost my mind. I apologized and indicated that I was tired and we had a good laugh. Then I continued on with saying "Don't forget to play the staccato". I reviewed with her the term and as she continued with the giggles (butter tarts?!! Sheesh!!!) as she practised playing a light staccato.
This morning this happened again. I was playing piano duets and I couldn't remember the term "fingerboard" which refers to a part of the wood portion of the piano at the back of the keys. Thanks goodness I was playing with a good friend. I just substituted the word "wood part" and pointed. She graciously gave me the word I was looking for. We again had a good laugh as this is all part of menopause (or mental pause as good friends refer to it).
Generally, my brain is working well. My new reality is that I can't multi-task well anymore. I can't do things and talk to people at the same time. So I'm adjusting and just do one thing at a time. As my son so nicely said "You are just down at everyone else's level now, Mom." He has said this when I get frustrated because my memory is not a sharp and I mentally can't keep track of things as well. I have to refer to this as my new reality and accept it.
With March Break occurring this week, I will have a reduced teaching schedule which is probably good considering that my brain is reminding me to slow down. So Happy March Break everyone. Let's hope that Spring will arrive soon. Two years ago at this time, the weather was so warm that I was able to sit on the patio and listen to the birds. Now I still have 2 feet of snow on the patio and there are still mountains of snow banks. The warmth of the sun is still enjoyable though.
Monday, 3 March 2014
Belated Update
Oh my!!! How time has flown past so quickly. I can't believe that I've neglected updating my blog for so long!!!
I was inspired to write this morning because I saw a blue jay hop around in my tree outside my living room window. His blue feathers caught the glorious sunshine and he was very blue. It reminded me of how much I enjoy nature and the birds. It's been a long winter and we still have lots of snow. There are robins around and I wonder how they are managing. I've seen them and I've heard them singing but I wonder how they manage to survive with everything still deeply covered with snow.
The last time I posted, I had just come through another time of anxiety due to a lump that had been found. Everything is fine and I have been busy working and enjoying a hectic social life. My singing continues to improve as I'm singing in my church choir regularly again. I went for a check up with the throat doctor and everything looked fine. The undetermined swelling has subsided and he does not need to see me again.
At the end of January, my son surprised me with a visit home for the weekend. My husband knew about it as he was the one that paid for the bus tickets but I did not know. On the Friday night, I was watching television at 9:30 and I heard the front door open. I thought it was my daughter arriving home from being out with friends but when I looked around the corner there was my son's face smiling broadly at me. What a surprise!!! He, of course, burst into laughter at the look of shock on my face. We enjoyed a wonderful weekend that was much too short. But he was back again 3 weeks later for Reading Week. It's hard to believe that he is the majority of the way through his first year at university. Again, all I can say is "time flies"!!
I must admit that the snow hasn't bothered me too much until lately. We have had a lot more snowfall than in recent years. This year is reminiscent of when I was a young child and the snow banks were very high. I am the one who does the majority of the shovelling and I really don't mind as it is good exercise and I get my fresh air. However, I am finding now that it is harder to lift the snow and throw it. I am ready for the snow to melt so I can sit on my patio and listen to the birds in the morning. That won't happen for a while though because I have 2 to 3 feet of snow covering the patio at the moment. Today the sky is a brilliant blue with lots of sunshine. But with the wind, it feels like -28 degrees Celsius.
February was a busy month socially for us. My husband had a gala to attend with me at his side at the beginning of February. Then it was Valentine's Day where we enjoyed going to a hockey game with friends and then out to hear a band from Ottawa play. The next day, we picked my son up from university and brought him back home for Reading Week. We enjoyed our time with him. I was blessed in that he turned 20 while he was home. We enjoyed a family dinner out at a "posh" local restaurant. We shared laughter and memories. It is so nice to have the family home together. I was just chatting about this yesterday and it is like I want to grab these moments and cling to them as they are so precious. Of course, I can't really cling to my children as that would smother them and keep them from maturing. But how I miss when they were younger and I used to play with them. I find myself silently remembering how much fun I had with my children when they were small. During the birthday dinner, we revisited some of the memories of both children and these memories brought smiles and laughter.
My daughter was always very quiet when she was small. I remember when she was about 2 years old, she and I played hide and seek in the house while my son and husband were at school and work respectively. While I counted, my daughter hid. I looked in all the usual places where she would hide. I looked behind the living room chair by the front door. Was she there? Nope. I looked in my bedroom as she used to hide under the covers thinking that if she couldn't see me, then I wouldn't see her. Was she there? No. I looked in the closets. I looked in the bathtub behind the shower curtain. I looked downstairs. I couldn't find her. I looked in the storage space under the stairs. I looked everywhere and I couldn't find her. I remember starting to feel panicky because there was nowhere else left to hide. I had been in her room and looked under the bed. I had looked in the closet. I remember I started to call her name. Silence! I revisited her room and noticed that the door on her wardrobe was slightly ajar. I went to close it as it was full of shelving and clothes. There was my daughter curled up in a tight ball and crammed into a tiny space under the bottom shelf. I was so happy to see her!! I had been really worried!! She was full of smiles because she had hid so well. As I retold this at my son's birthday dinner, we all enjoyed a good laugh.
Then my son asked me to tell about the Valentine's Day when he was almost 2. At the time we had a black lab/shepherd cross named Indy. My son and Indy were inseparable. It was in the afternoon and I was on the phone visiting with my mother-in-law. I realized that things were much too quiet so I ended the call and went looking for my son. I could hear giggles down in the basement so I went to the top of the stairs to go down. The wooden steps were full of white/grey dust! I took my socks off and went down in my bare feet. You could see my footprints in the dust. As I descended into the basement I couldn't believe my eyes!! There was my small son and our black dog, Indy, completely covered in white wood ash!!! My son was grabbing handfuls of cold wood ash from our bucket beside the woodstove and throwing it up into the air! Indy was no longer a black dog but was completely white!! My son, who has red hair, was completely white from head to toe!!! What a mess!!! The walls, floor and furniture was completely covered with wood ash! I remember asking what he was doing. He answered me that he was "rolling in the soot" just like the 101 Dalmatians. So I took our dog and put him outside on the snow-covered deck. I would give him a bath later. Then I took my son and carried him up the stairs to the bathtub where I stripped him. There was wood ash in his ears, scalp and every other crevice in his body. After his bath and multiple hair washings, I put him into clean clothes and closed the door to basement. I would clean it the next day because it was Valentine's Day and I had a special meal to prepare for my husband. But first I had to give the dog a bath. Then I had to clean the bathtub to get all the wet wood ash from off the tub. Then I had to vacuum my ashy foot prints off the carpet. I had to cancel all my lessons in my music studio for the next 2 days while I cleaned the basement. As I relived this memory at my son's 20th birthday dinner, we all enjoyed a good laugh. I do remember that I could even see the humour of it at the time. What an imagination my kids had!!
As always, I have digressed from my update. Life is great! When we drove our son back to university, we stopped into a Motorcycle Show in Toronto. It motivated me to think ahead to Spring. I'm looking forward to Spring when my husband and I can get back on his motorcycle and enjoy some day trips. Spring...when the snow is melted away and I can start working in the garden again. Spring...when the warmth of the sun can soak into me as I hang my laundry out on the line to dry. It will be here soon enough. In the meantime, while the snow is on the ground, I'm enjoying hearing the birds and the warmth of the sun as it shines into my living room and I can enjoy the warm rays because I'm not outside in the harsh cold. I also need to get moving on putting together my Relay For Life team again this year.
I can honestly say that I am blessed with friends, family, health and a deep inner joy. Life is great!
I was inspired to write this morning because I saw a blue jay hop around in my tree outside my living room window. His blue feathers caught the glorious sunshine and he was very blue. It reminded me of how much I enjoy nature and the birds. It's been a long winter and we still have lots of snow. There are robins around and I wonder how they are managing. I've seen them and I've heard them singing but I wonder how they manage to survive with everything still deeply covered with snow.
The last time I posted, I had just come through another time of anxiety due to a lump that had been found. Everything is fine and I have been busy working and enjoying a hectic social life. My singing continues to improve as I'm singing in my church choir regularly again. I went for a check up with the throat doctor and everything looked fine. The undetermined swelling has subsided and he does not need to see me again.
At the end of January, my son surprised me with a visit home for the weekend. My husband knew about it as he was the one that paid for the bus tickets but I did not know. On the Friday night, I was watching television at 9:30 and I heard the front door open. I thought it was my daughter arriving home from being out with friends but when I looked around the corner there was my son's face smiling broadly at me. What a surprise!!! He, of course, burst into laughter at the look of shock on my face. We enjoyed a wonderful weekend that was much too short. But he was back again 3 weeks later for Reading Week. It's hard to believe that he is the majority of the way through his first year at university. Again, all I can say is "time flies"!!
I must admit that the snow hasn't bothered me too much until lately. We have had a lot more snowfall than in recent years. This year is reminiscent of when I was a young child and the snow banks were very high. I am the one who does the majority of the shovelling and I really don't mind as it is good exercise and I get my fresh air. However, I am finding now that it is harder to lift the snow and throw it. I am ready for the snow to melt so I can sit on my patio and listen to the birds in the morning. That won't happen for a while though because I have 2 to 3 feet of snow covering the patio at the moment. Today the sky is a brilliant blue with lots of sunshine. But with the wind, it feels like -28 degrees Celsius.
February was a busy month socially for us. My husband had a gala to attend with me at his side at the beginning of February. Then it was Valentine's Day where we enjoyed going to a hockey game with friends and then out to hear a band from Ottawa play. The next day, we picked my son up from university and brought him back home for Reading Week. We enjoyed our time with him. I was blessed in that he turned 20 while he was home. We enjoyed a family dinner out at a "posh" local restaurant. We shared laughter and memories. It is so nice to have the family home together. I was just chatting about this yesterday and it is like I want to grab these moments and cling to them as they are so precious. Of course, I can't really cling to my children as that would smother them and keep them from maturing. But how I miss when they were younger and I used to play with them. I find myself silently remembering how much fun I had with my children when they were small. During the birthday dinner, we revisited some of the memories of both children and these memories brought smiles and laughter.
My daughter was always very quiet when she was small. I remember when she was about 2 years old, she and I played hide and seek in the house while my son and husband were at school and work respectively. While I counted, my daughter hid. I looked in all the usual places where she would hide. I looked behind the living room chair by the front door. Was she there? Nope. I looked in my bedroom as she used to hide under the covers thinking that if she couldn't see me, then I wouldn't see her. Was she there? No. I looked in the closets. I looked in the bathtub behind the shower curtain. I looked downstairs. I couldn't find her. I looked in the storage space under the stairs. I looked everywhere and I couldn't find her. I remember starting to feel panicky because there was nowhere else left to hide. I had been in her room and looked under the bed. I had looked in the closet. I remember I started to call her name. Silence! I revisited her room and noticed that the door on her wardrobe was slightly ajar. I went to close it as it was full of shelving and clothes. There was my daughter curled up in a tight ball and crammed into a tiny space under the bottom shelf. I was so happy to see her!! I had been really worried!! She was full of smiles because she had hid so well. As I retold this at my son's birthday dinner, we all enjoyed a good laugh.
Then my son asked me to tell about the Valentine's Day when he was almost 2. At the time we had a black lab/shepherd cross named Indy. My son and Indy were inseparable. It was in the afternoon and I was on the phone visiting with my mother-in-law. I realized that things were much too quiet so I ended the call and went looking for my son. I could hear giggles down in the basement so I went to the top of the stairs to go down. The wooden steps were full of white/grey dust! I took my socks off and went down in my bare feet. You could see my footprints in the dust. As I descended into the basement I couldn't believe my eyes!! There was my small son and our black dog, Indy, completely covered in white wood ash!!! My son was grabbing handfuls of cold wood ash from our bucket beside the woodstove and throwing it up into the air! Indy was no longer a black dog but was completely white!! My son, who has red hair, was completely white from head to toe!!! What a mess!!! The walls, floor and furniture was completely covered with wood ash! I remember asking what he was doing. He answered me that he was "rolling in the soot" just like the 101 Dalmatians. So I took our dog and put him outside on the snow-covered deck. I would give him a bath later. Then I took my son and carried him up the stairs to the bathtub where I stripped him. There was wood ash in his ears, scalp and every other crevice in his body. After his bath and multiple hair washings, I put him into clean clothes and closed the door to basement. I would clean it the next day because it was Valentine's Day and I had a special meal to prepare for my husband. But first I had to give the dog a bath. Then I had to clean the bathtub to get all the wet wood ash from off the tub. Then I had to vacuum my ashy foot prints off the carpet. I had to cancel all my lessons in my music studio for the next 2 days while I cleaned the basement. As I relived this memory at my son's 20th birthday dinner, we all enjoyed a good laugh. I do remember that I could even see the humour of it at the time. What an imagination my kids had!!
As always, I have digressed from my update. Life is great! When we drove our son back to university, we stopped into a Motorcycle Show in Toronto. It motivated me to think ahead to Spring. I'm looking forward to Spring when my husband and I can get back on his motorcycle and enjoy some day trips. Spring...when the snow is melted away and I can start working in the garden again. Spring...when the warmth of the sun can soak into me as I hang my laundry out on the line to dry. It will be here soon enough. In the meantime, while the snow is on the ground, I'm enjoying hearing the birds and the warmth of the sun as it shines into my living room and I can enjoy the warm rays because I'm not outside in the harsh cold. I also need to get moving on putting together my Relay For Life team again this year.
I can honestly say that I am blessed with friends, family, health and a deep inner joy. Life is great!
Thursday, 9 January 2014
Christmas and New Year's Update
It's been a couple weeks of great highs and some little lows. It was wonderful to have the both my children home during the Christmas break. I loved having my family under the same roof again. My son, who has been away at university, returned as a mature adult. He appreciated his sister. He appreciated home-cooked meals. He enjoyed hanging out with his mom and dad.....when he wasn't hanging out with his friends or working, that is. He made my day when he indicated that he wanted to come to the Christmas Eve late night service. What he didn't realize is that I was going to be singing. Not just in the choir which in itself is a satisfying return to singing. There was no choir at this particular service. No, I was going to be singing a solo. Not just one but two solos!
I have never been one to get overly nervous about singing alone. I have always struggled with performance anxiety when playing my flute and the piano. However, during the day on December 24 my nerves started showing their usual symptoms. I believe this is because my voice is still not as strong, steady and reliable as it used to be. But it's getting better. Once the nervous symptoms started to manifest themselves, I fought back with my "self-talk", deep breathing and meditating that has always worked in the past. I was not nervous about singing "Sweet Little Jesus Boy" as my voice was able to easily handle that song. I was really nervous about singing "O Holy Night". I used to sing this very well. Leading up to Christmas Eve this year, I wasn't able to sing the arrangement I normally sing which is in the key of D Flat. My arrangement demands that the voice hits a high F which used to be easy for me to sing. Not at the moment. I was able to get through two verses and by the third verse, the F was gone. No cracking voice. Just nothing. Thankfully, the church organist/choir director had an arrangement in the key of C which allowed me to sing up to an E. That small half tone was all I needed to be able to sing. So on Christmas Eve, I sang "Sweet Little Jesus Boy" while the offering was being collected and I sang "O Holy Night" during the communion. After finishing "O Holy Night", I had no voice left. Not even much of a voice to talk with. It was tired and hoarse. But, boy, did it feel good to be able to sing and with some strength!! And no pain! When I returned to sit with my husband, I was choked up with emotion. My husband took my hand, squeezed it and just held it. God is real! I truly believe the warmth of the Holy Spirit flowed through me as I sang that night.
Christmas is a special time in our household not just because of the spiritual celebration. My daughter was born on Christmas Day. During Advent of that year, I truly had a special connection with Mary as I underwent the same waiting period as I was fully pregnant. "Away in A Manger" still resonates with me all these many years later. As I celebrate on Christmas Eve, I am reminded of that one year where I had a three year old boy wanting to go to the Christmas Eve service with me so we could sit together as a family. You see, while I was pregnant then, I was also a part-time organist at a rural church in a dual charge. That particular year it was my turn to have Christmas Eve "off". I was going to go to the other church's service and sit with my husband and my little boy. That didn't happen that year as I was in the beginning stages of labour and not feeling well enough to attend. I remember laying down in my bed and my three year old son asking "Are we going to the Christmas Eve service?" in a yearning, hopeful voice. Christmas is a special time for our family as we celebrate Christmas but also my daughter's birthday. The day is a very busy day as we make a true effort to celebrate her birthday separate from Christmas.
This year, I had the joy of family being together. Paradoxically, I also had fear revisit me throughout the Christmas and New Year's season. A week before Christmas, I had a physical and my doctor found a lump. In my breast. The fear in me went from 0 to 100 in the few moments that he said "We need to send you for an ultrasound". My thoughts were "How can this be?! I just had a CT scan in November and everything was clear?! Surely the lump would have shown up in the CT scan." So off I went to have an ultrasound done on December 23. And then the waiting began. Not just the regular 3 to 5 days as is normal. Nope. We had Christmas in there along with New Year's Day. Everybody is on reduced hours. What a time of deja vu. This was just like Christmas 2011 when I knew I had lymphoma but just not which kind. So I decided to try to ignore the fear. I focused on family. I focused on my faith. I focused on enjoying friends and a social calendar. We had a couple over for New Year's Eve as I was, at the same time, our family's taxi driver for our children. What a wonderful night of friendship it was! We celebrated the New Year in a low key fashion but enjoyed ourselves. Some years, I struggle to stay awake until midnight. Not this year. I was wide awake and saddened to see the evening end at around 1 o'clock. Life was good!
I called my doctor on January 3 to see if the report from the ultrasound was in. Nope. No report was there. The anxiety and fear I had stuffed down deep inside was trying to resurface. I stuffed it down again and focused on my last couple of days with my son before driving him back to university. God does work in wonderful ways because I also connected with one of my best friends from high school. I hadn't seen her since 1987! She and her family lives very close to my son's university. When we drove my son back to school, we also dropped in on my old girlfriend. Was it ever nice to see her again!! We enjoyed a lovely visit with her and her family. We then left, had dinner with our son, dropped him off at his residence and hit the road for the long drive home.
I was so glad my husband drove. We had blowing snow, snow-covered highways, freezing rain, slippery highways, heavy rain and massive puddles and flooding on the roads. A trip that should take 3 1/2 hours actually took 5 hours. We were glad to get home. The weather proved to be a great distraction for me though because I wasn't fixated on my fear of the ultrasound results and I wasn't fixated on the loss of my son from home. But the next day the fear returned in full force. So I called my doctor's office again. Good news!! The ultrasound was clear. What a relief!! But what a roller coaster my emotions have taken over the last few weeks!
So I return to our normal routine. I am reminded again about how fragile and tenuous our existence in this world is. Each day is a gift. Some days, I want to just relax and "waste" the day. Other days I want to make a real difference in my world. I will continue to perform on the piano at the Cancer Centre. I will continue to teach students and open their worlds to the beauty of music making. I will continue to strive to be the best person I can be. Some days, I slip up and my faults are glaringly obvious. I have to move on from those moments and live life and embrace life to the fullest.
Happy New Year! It's starting out great with the news that I've been given the "all clear". Again.
I have never been one to get overly nervous about singing alone. I have always struggled with performance anxiety when playing my flute and the piano. However, during the day on December 24 my nerves started showing their usual symptoms. I believe this is because my voice is still not as strong, steady and reliable as it used to be. But it's getting better. Once the nervous symptoms started to manifest themselves, I fought back with my "self-talk", deep breathing and meditating that has always worked in the past. I was not nervous about singing "Sweet Little Jesus Boy" as my voice was able to easily handle that song. I was really nervous about singing "O Holy Night". I used to sing this very well. Leading up to Christmas Eve this year, I wasn't able to sing the arrangement I normally sing which is in the key of D Flat. My arrangement demands that the voice hits a high F which used to be easy for me to sing. Not at the moment. I was able to get through two verses and by the third verse, the F was gone. No cracking voice. Just nothing. Thankfully, the church organist/choir director had an arrangement in the key of C which allowed me to sing up to an E. That small half tone was all I needed to be able to sing. So on Christmas Eve, I sang "Sweet Little Jesus Boy" while the offering was being collected and I sang "O Holy Night" during the communion. After finishing "O Holy Night", I had no voice left. Not even much of a voice to talk with. It was tired and hoarse. But, boy, did it feel good to be able to sing and with some strength!! And no pain! When I returned to sit with my husband, I was choked up with emotion. My husband took my hand, squeezed it and just held it. God is real! I truly believe the warmth of the Holy Spirit flowed through me as I sang that night.
Christmas is a special time in our household not just because of the spiritual celebration. My daughter was born on Christmas Day. During Advent of that year, I truly had a special connection with Mary as I underwent the same waiting period as I was fully pregnant. "Away in A Manger" still resonates with me all these many years later. As I celebrate on Christmas Eve, I am reminded of that one year where I had a three year old boy wanting to go to the Christmas Eve service with me so we could sit together as a family. You see, while I was pregnant then, I was also a part-time organist at a rural church in a dual charge. That particular year it was my turn to have Christmas Eve "off". I was going to go to the other church's service and sit with my husband and my little boy. That didn't happen that year as I was in the beginning stages of labour and not feeling well enough to attend. I remember laying down in my bed and my three year old son asking "Are we going to the Christmas Eve service?" in a yearning, hopeful voice. Christmas is a special time for our family as we celebrate Christmas but also my daughter's birthday. The day is a very busy day as we make a true effort to celebrate her birthday separate from Christmas.
This year, I had the joy of family being together. Paradoxically, I also had fear revisit me throughout the Christmas and New Year's season. A week before Christmas, I had a physical and my doctor found a lump. In my breast. The fear in me went from 0 to 100 in the few moments that he said "We need to send you for an ultrasound". My thoughts were "How can this be?! I just had a CT scan in November and everything was clear?! Surely the lump would have shown up in the CT scan." So off I went to have an ultrasound done on December 23. And then the waiting began. Not just the regular 3 to 5 days as is normal. Nope. We had Christmas in there along with New Year's Day. Everybody is on reduced hours. What a time of deja vu. This was just like Christmas 2011 when I knew I had lymphoma but just not which kind. So I decided to try to ignore the fear. I focused on family. I focused on my faith. I focused on enjoying friends and a social calendar. We had a couple over for New Year's Eve as I was, at the same time, our family's taxi driver for our children. What a wonderful night of friendship it was! We celebrated the New Year in a low key fashion but enjoyed ourselves. Some years, I struggle to stay awake until midnight. Not this year. I was wide awake and saddened to see the evening end at around 1 o'clock. Life was good!
I called my doctor on January 3 to see if the report from the ultrasound was in. Nope. No report was there. The anxiety and fear I had stuffed down deep inside was trying to resurface. I stuffed it down again and focused on my last couple of days with my son before driving him back to university. God does work in wonderful ways because I also connected with one of my best friends from high school. I hadn't seen her since 1987! She and her family lives very close to my son's university. When we drove my son back to school, we also dropped in on my old girlfriend. Was it ever nice to see her again!! We enjoyed a lovely visit with her and her family. We then left, had dinner with our son, dropped him off at his residence and hit the road for the long drive home.
I was so glad my husband drove. We had blowing snow, snow-covered highways, freezing rain, slippery highways, heavy rain and massive puddles and flooding on the roads. A trip that should take 3 1/2 hours actually took 5 hours. We were glad to get home. The weather proved to be a great distraction for me though because I wasn't fixated on my fear of the ultrasound results and I wasn't fixated on the loss of my son from home. But the next day the fear returned in full force. So I called my doctor's office again. Good news!! The ultrasound was clear. What a relief!! But what a roller coaster my emotions have taken over the last few weeks!
So I return to our normal routine. I am reminded again about how fragile and tenuous our existence in this world is. Each day is a gift. Some days, I want to just relax and "waste" the day. Other days I want to make a real difference in my world. I will continue to perform on the piano at the Cancer Centre. I will continue to teach students and open their worlds to the beauty of music making. I will continue to strive to be the best person I can be. Some days, I slip up and my faults are glaringly obvious. I have to move on from those moments and live life and embrace life to the fullest.
Happy New Year! It's starting out great with the news that I've been given the "all clear". Again.
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
Advent Joy
On Friday, I played piano for my hour from 12 to 1 p.m. at the Cancer Centre. I was allowed (as I am this coming Friday) to play Christmas music. I always choose soothing music mixed in with some upbeat music when I play background music at the Centre. I decided to play some traditional Christmas carols but also some fun and quirky Christmas music such as "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth". I wanted to impart some fun and joy into the atmosphere of a place where there is often sadness, grief and worry.
On Sunday, it was the week during Advent to focus on Joy. Joy....how do people manage to feel joy during difficult times of ill health or unhappy family homes full of strife? As I pondered this, I thought that joy doesn't necessarily mean happy. Joy can be a very different emotion which is found deep in our core. I remember worrying and feeling very anxious during the Advent season of 2011 when I knew I had cancer and by the week of "Joy", I knew it was lymphoma. I just didn't know what kind of lymphoma. I was still able to feel joy deep within when I was surrounded by my family. When I received phone calls from extended family who live far away.
As we feel sad, worried or lonely, we can still feel joy from small moments of love and kindness that happen in our day. Maybe it is a smile from a stranger. Yesterday, I had a few moments of joy even as I've struggled with some new worries. My day started with a ring of the doorbell. There were some friends standing on the doorstep in -20 degree weather holding a poinsettia and a cookie tin full of cookies. What a surprise and source of joy! Yesterday I also drove 10 hours round trip to pick my son up and bring him home for Christmas. It was wonderful to see him! I was filled with a deep love and joy. As I drove home and we got caught in traffic on the highway, my son fell asleep and I was still filled with joy as I remembered being pregnant with him almost 20 years ago. As we stopped for dinner on the way home, we reminisced about his preschool days when he was a very busy, active little boy. We laughed and I was filled with joy from the memories which at the time were actually very upsetting and worrisome. Joy is found deep within. Sometimes we have to look for it and consciously choose to tap into it. On the other hand, sometimes we just have to be open to the small moments in life that give joy. When I arrived home last night, there was a small package that had arrived at the house during the day. It was addressed to me, so I opened it up. What joy I received!! Inside the box was a coffee mug with Hershey kisses and a couple of small candy canes. I lifted the mug out and there was the real surprise and source of major joy! On the outside of the mug is a picture of me holding a clam with my muddy hands! My friends in PEI had a picture which was taken of me clam digging and they had it transferred onto the coffee mug! What a wonderful gift! An instant smile sprang to my face and I was filled with the warmth of love and joy!
As I said, sometimes we have to really look deep and hard to find a source of joy while we are going through adversities. I totally understand this. Not just from my more recent experience, but also in 1990 when my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He spent Christmas in the hospital that year although they gave him a day pass to come home for a few hours. We, as a family, were able to feel real joy that day. My dad was able to feel joy that day too. My future sister-in-law had been in contact with my sister, my oldest brother, my other brother (her fiancé) and me. She arranged to bring a tuba (which my oldest brother used to play in high school), some music stands and some Christmas band music. That particular day that my dad was home from the hospital, we went downstairs where there was more space and set up our instruments. I played the flute, my sister played the trumpet, my brother (the fiancé) played the clarinet and my oldest brother tried to play the tuba while my future sister-in-law played the alto saxophone. I remember as we tried to play, my oldest brother couldn't remember the fingerings for the tuba. No problem. My future sister-in-law was a music teacher and knew the fingerings so while my brother blew the tuba, she did the fingers on the valves. We played Christmas carols. I remember seeing the bright eyes and smile of my dad during a very difficult time. You see, he knew that his lung cancer was terminal. He was going to start chemotherapy over the holidays that year knowing that it was only a 30% chance that it might work. But I can tell you that he felt great joy as we all gathered and played music. Later that night when he returned to his room at the hospital, my future sister-in-law came in with her guitar and we all sang Christmas carols around his bed. The nurses on the floor that night came in and listened. There was pure joy even as we were all grieving and sad. I remember singing Silent Night and crying as I watched him lying exhausted in bed. But there was also joy that we were all together. Sometimes you have to look hard for the joy and then hang onto those moments and memories.
So I hope that you may be touched with God's strong and joyful spirit this holiday season so that laughter, warmth, and delight in small things may fill your heart and soul. I pray that we can all have joy that runs deeper than our sorrows and worries. Hope, Peace, Joy. These are the real gifts of the Christmas season and Advent.
On Sunday, it was the week during Advent to focus on Joy. Joy....how do people manage to feel joy during difficult times of ill health or unhappy family homes full of strife? As I pondered this, I thought that joy doesn't necessarily mean happy. Joy can be a very different emotion which is found deep in our core. I remember worrying and feeling very anxious during the Advent season of 2011 when I knew I had cancer and by the week of "Joy", I knew it was lymphoma. I just didn't know what kind of lymphoma. I was still able to feel joy deep within when I was surrounded by my family. When I received phone calls from extended family who live far away.
As we feel sad, worried or lonely, we can still feel joy from small moments of love and kindness that happen in our day. Maybe it is a smile from a stranger. Yesterday, I had a few moments of joy even as I've struggled with some new worries. My day started with a ring of the doorbell. There were some friends standing on the doorstep in -20 degree weather holding a poinsettia and a cookie tin full of cookies. What a surprise and source of joy! Yesterday I also drove 10 hours round trip to pick my son up and bring him home for Christmas. It was wonderful to see him! I was filled with a deep love and joy. As I drove home and we got caught in traffic on the highway, my son fell asleep and I was still filled with joy as I remembered being pregnant with him almost 20 years ago. As we stopped for dinner on the way home, we reminisced about his preschool days when he was a very busy, active little boy. We laughed and I was filled with joy from the memories which at the time were actually very upsetting and worrisome. Joy is found deep within. Sometimes we have to look for it and consciously choose to tap into it. On the other hand, sometimes we just have to be open to the small moments in life that give joy. When I arrived home last night, there was a small package that had arrived at the house during the day. It was addressed to me, so I opened it up. What joy I received!! Inside the box was a coffee mug with Hershey kisses and a couple of small candy canes. I lifted the mug out and there was the real surprise and source of major joy! On the outside of the mug is a picture of me holding a clam with my muddy hands! My friends in PEI had a picture which was taken of me clam digging and they had it transferred onto the coffee mug! What a wonderful gift! An instant smile sprang to my face and I was filled with the warmth of love and joy!
As I said, sometimes we have to really look deep and hard to find a source of joy while we are going through adversities. I totally understand this. Not just from my more recent experience, but also in 1990 when my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He spent Christmas in the hospital that year although they gave him a day pass to come home for a few hours. We, as a family, were able to feel real joy that day. My dad was able to feel joy that day too. My future sister-in-law had been in contact with my sister, my oldest brother, my other brother (her fiancé) and me. She arranged to bring a tuba (which my oldest brother used to play in high school), some music stands and some Christmas band music. That particular day that my dad was home from the hospital, we went downstairs where there was more space and set up our instruments. I played the flute, my sister played the trumpet, my brother (the fiancé) played the clarinet and my oldest brother tried to play the tuba while my future sister-in-law played the alto saxophone. I remember as we tried to play, my oldest brother couldn't remember the fingerings for the tuba. No problem. My future sister-in-law was a music teacher and knew the fingerings so while my brother blew the tuba, she did the fingers on the valves. We played Christmas carols. I remember seeing the bright eyes and smile of my dad during a very difficult time. You see, he knew that his lung cancer was terminal. He was going to start chemotherapy over the holidays that year knowing that it was only a 30% chance that it might work. But I can tell you that he felt great joy as we all gathered and played music. Later that night when he returned to his room at the hospital, my future sister-in-law came in with her guitar and we all sang Christmas carols around his bed. The nurses on the floor that night came in and listened. There was pure joy even as we were all grieving and sad. I remember singing Silent Night and crying as I watched him lying exhausted in bed. But there was also joy that we were all together. Sometimes you have to look hard for the joy and then hang onto those moments and memories.
So I hope that you may be touched with God's strong and joyful spirit this holiday season so that laughter, warmth, and delight in small things may fill your heart and soul. I pray that we can all have joy that runs deeper than our sorrows and worries. Hope, Peace, Joy. These are the real gifts of the Christmas season and Advent.
Sunday, 8 December 2013
Advent 2013 - Peace and Hope
I was asked this past week to prepare for my church how I, personally, practice HOPE or manage to feel HOPE in situations. I spoke at my church this morning and now feel it appropriate to share it on the blog. May it help you have HOPE in this season of Advent but also at other times of the year and in all situations.
Hope.....what is hope? I was asked to speak about how I, personally, manage to feel hope in all situations. Over the years, it has been music and scripture that has provided me with hope in various situations where I felt utterly hopeless. Singing is a form of worship and prayer even when I am at home by myself. I always rely on Psalm 31: vs. 3-5, "For You are my rock and my fortress; therefore, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me. Pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me, for You are my strength. Into Your hand I commit my spirit; You have redeemed me O Lord God of truth." This scripture is a balm to my soul when the going gets rough in life. I imagine a rock and a strong, thick fortress built from rocks that protects me from all sides; a refuge in times of difficulty. I practise keeping an open line of communication with my God. Sometimes I drift away when the going is good but I always find God's glorious presence in unexpected moments in nature and music. When I finished my last treatment, my husband took me to Lemoine's Point for a very slow walk to the water's edge where I saw sunbeams shining through the clouds and reflecting on the water. He used to take me to the parking spot across from the airport while I was in treatment and too weak to walk. We would sit and just soak up the peacefulness of the water whether it was calm or choppy. This always gave me hope as I looked forward to being strong enough to walk at the water's edge. 2 years ago while I waited for diagnostic tests, I knew I had cancer. We just didn't know what kind. My options were thyroid cancer, lymphoma or lung cancer. Lung cancer......This caused major fear and terror because my dad died in 1991 from lung cancer and was diagnosed at the exact same time of year....Nov. 30, 1990. Fear is a powerful distractor from our ability to hope. I couldn't sing or play my flute. I didn't feel like playing the piano. However, the birdsongs I heard outside my home were another form of music which was a balm to my soul. It gave me hope that as the old children's hymn says, "God sees the little sparrow fall, He meets his tender needs". If God can look after all the tiny sparrows and birds that provided me with such wonderful music, then God would take care of me too. No matter what. That's where the hope came from. God is the source of the hope that all things would be taken care of including me. But....to connect with God I needed quiet time. I think this is why nature is such a draw for me because there is nothing like the peaceful quietness of nature to connect with God. I used to fulfill my responsibilities from the time I arose in the morning straight through to the time I fell exhausted into bed at night. During my illness and treatments and even now, I build in quiet time in the morning and at night to reflect on my relationship with God. Sometimes this comes in the form of prayer. Sometimes it comes in the form of meditation with the aid of "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo. Sometimes....during the day I have unexpected moments which I call Godcidences where I see God is with me. These fill me with hope that things will get better. I had one just on Friday. I returned a friend's phone call and we chatted. She mentioned how she would just like to sing for the pure joy of singing (make a joyful noise). This appealed to me as I've continued to struggle with my voice. A private get together to sing music without any expectations! What a gift this would be in my day! We decided to be spontaneous and meet at the church to sing in Upper Founders' Hall. I was supposed to do my groceries but instead I quickly ran downstairs and grabbed just a few books and pieces of music without thinking. When I arrived at the church, I saw my minister in the hall and she discussed with me the possibility of speaking about how I practise my hope. I agreed and planned to ponder this on Saturday. I continued to Upper Founders' Hall with my friend and we chose music at random. The very first song spoke to me very strongly! I had a Godcidence!! This music fit the topic of Advent Hope and Peace perfectly. As I sang it, I had a full warmth fill my body and soul. God was with me again as I was struggling with a very chaotic personal week. God provided me with hope as I sang with a friend in a spontaneous rendezvous. I would have missed this wonderful experience if I had said no to it so I could get my groceries done. Hope is available to all of us if we allow ourselves to be still, quiet and accept the possibility of God's constant presence with us. I will now sing a short excerpt from the song that was definitely a Godcidence on Friday. It's called "From A Distance" which was performed by Bette Midler.
Since I can't sing on the blog, the words that really spoke to me were "It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace, it's the voice of every man."
I wish you all an Advent season filled with Hope, Peace, Joy and Love.
Hope.....what is hope? I was asked to speak about how I, personally, manage to feel hope in all situations. Over the years, it has been music and scripture that has provided me with hope in various situations where I felt utterly hopeless. Singing is a form of worship and prayer even when I am at home by myself. I always rely on Psalm 31: vs. 3-5, "For You are my rock and my fortress; therefore, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me. Pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me, for You are my strength. Into Your hand I commit my spirit; You have redeemed me O Lord God of truth." This scripture is a balm to my soul when the going gets rough in life. I imagine a rock and a strong, thick fortress built from rocks that protects me from all sides; a refuge in times of difficulty. I practise keeping an open line of communication with my God. Sometimes I drift away when the going is good but I always find God's glorious presence in unexpected moments in nature and music. When I finished my last treatment, my husband took me to Lemoine's Point for a very slow walk to the water's edge where I saw sunbeams shining through the clouds and reflecting on the water. He used to take me to the parking spot across from the airport while I was in treatment and too weak to walk. We would sit and just soak up the peacefulness of the water whether it was calm or choppy. This always gave me hope as I looked forward to being strong enough to walk at the water's edge. 2 years ago while I waited for diagnostic tests, I knew I had cancer. We just didn't know what kind. My options were thyroid cancer, lymphoma or lung cancer. Lung cancer......This caused major fear and terror because my dad died in 1991 from lung cancer and was diagnosed at the exact same time of year....Nov. 30, 1990. Fear is a powerful distractor from our ability to hope. I couldn't sing or play my flute. I didn't feel like playing the piano. However, the birdsongs I heard outside my home were another form of music which was a balm to my soul. It gave me hope that as the old children's hymn says, "God sees the little sparrow fall, He meets his tender needs". If God can look after all the tiny sparrows and birds that provided me with such wonderful music, then God would take care of me too. No matter what. That's where the hope came from. God is the source of the hope that all things would be taken care of including me. But....to connect with God I needed quiet time. I think this is why nature is such a draw for me because there is nothing like the peaceful quietness of nature to connect with God. I used to fulfill my responsibilities from the time I arose in the morning straight through to the time I fell exhausted into bed at night. During my illness and treatments and even now, I build in quiet time in the morning and at night to reflect on my relationship with God. Sometimes this comes in the form of prayer. Sometimes it comes in the form of meditation with the aid of "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo. Sometimes....during the day I have unexpected moments which I call Godcidences where I see God is with me. These fill me with hope that things will get better. I had one just on Friday. I returned a friend's phone call and we chatted. She mentioned how she would just like to sing for the pure joy of singing (make a joyful noise). This appealed to me as I've continued to struggle with my voice. A private get together to sing music without any expectations! What a gift this would be in my day! We decided to be spontaneous and meet at the church to sing in Upper Founders' Hall. I was supposed to do my groceries but instead I quickly ran downstairs and grabbed just a few books and pieces of music without thinking. When I arrived at the church, I saw my minister in the hall and she discussed with me the possibility of speaking about how I practise my hope. I agreed and planned to ponder this on Saturday. I continued to Upper Founders' Hall with my friend and we chose music at random. The very first song spoke to me very strongly! I had a Godcidence!! This music fit the topic of Advent Hope and Peace perfectly. As I sang it, I had a full warmth fill my body and soul. God was with me again as I was struggling with a very chaotic personal week. God provided me with hope as I sang with a friend in a spontaneous rendezvous. I would have missed this wonderful experience if I had said no to it so I could get my groceries done. Hope is available to all of us if we allow ourselves to be still, quiet and accept the possibility of God's constant presence with us. I will now sing a short excerpt from the song that was definitely a Godcidence on Friday. It's called "From A Distance" which was performed by Bette Midler.
Since I can't sing on the blog, the words that really spoke to me were "It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace, it's the voice of every man."
I wish you all an Advent season filled with Hope, Peace, Joy and Love.
Sunday, 1 December 2013
Tests, tests and more tests
It has been a very busy last couple of weeks. I had a check up at the Cancer Centre which resulted in two weeks of fear and anxiety as I was referred for a CT scan and then awaiting the results of that. On Wednesday this past week, I had another appointment with my new hematologist (oncologist that specializes in lymphoma). This was a great appointment as I found out the CT scan was clear!! However as my doctor pointed out that does not help to explain some of the symptoms that I'm continuing to experience. I do not need to come back to my hematologist until 6 months from now. But I was referred to another doctor who specializes in throats as well as ears and noses and I am to have a Barium test of my upper GI. I saw the ENT doctor on Thursday when he put small camera on the end of a fragile flexible cord up my nose and down into my throat. The pictures he saw showed that my throat and vocal chords are very healthy. There was some slight swelling that was unexplainable so I am to go back and see him again in 3 months. The swelling may be related to my other symptoms to do with my upper GI. But I have been given the affirmation that I can work on getting my singing voice back into shape.
In the midst of the appointments, I've been starting to think about Christmas. I've been practising some Christmas music on the piano in preparation for playing it at the Cancer Centre on Fridays during the Christmas season. This then puts me in the mood to decorate and do some more Christmas baking. Some of my piano students have been working on Christmas music as they prepare for a small Christmas recital. This always helps me get into the joyful spirit of Christmas. I do love Christmas time and the season of Advent. It also helps because we had our first real snowfall on Wednesday.
With the first snowfall comes the beauty of the snow on the trees. I was out shovelling our driveway at 6 in the morning so that we could get my daughter to her commitment at 8 a.m. The snow was very wet and heavy. It was very difficult to move and throw with the shovel. As I struggled and put all my weight behind the shovel, it inevitably stopped with a rolled up wave of slushy packed snow at the end of the shovel. I could have become very discouraged but what I truly saw was the perfect snow for making snowmen. I didn't have time on Wednesday to build a snowman but I wish I had. The temperature dropped well below freezing overnight into Thursday and then made the snow crunchy and crumbly which is not conducive to building a snowman. Oh well, hopefully I will have more opportunities later on. I really don't like the cold but I do find that if I embrace some of the winter activities that it helps the winter go by more quickly. But I've digressed. What I really wanted to describe was the beauty of the heavy snow on the trees. When I awoke on Wednesday morning, all the branches of the various trees and shrubs looked like they had white fluffy icing on them. The evergreen trees looked like umbrellas that were closed up due to the weight of the snow on the branches. It was very beautiful to look at though. I must confess that as I huffed and puffed my way through the chore of shoveling, I stopped to catch my breath and enjoy looking at the trees up and down the street. It was a beautiful morning!
While shoveling, I was reminded about how a brief moment can change your life and the lives of those around you in a flash. I was carrying a heavy load of snow with my shovel to a spot further along the road on my property. I was walking in the gutter of the road and as I heaved the snow off of my shovel, I heard a couple of short honks of a car horn. You know the kind I mean. The little friendly toots of friends driving by. Since my snow was off the shovel, I turned around to wave and saw an SUV sliding towards me. It didn't hit me but the woman driving had a terrified look on her face. She rolled her window down and apologized. She was sliding on the icy road towards me and she didn't know what to do so she honked her horn. No harm was done but I do believe that she drove down the street a little slower.
Wednesday's snowfall helped keep me busy until my appointment at the Cancer Centre and it helped keep the full extent of my anxiety and fear at bay. I must admit that this weekend I can finally feel my body relaxing as the lingering wisps of worry evaporate. As I see the sunrises and sunsets, they are full of rosy pinks. The few fluffy clouds at sunset have been edged by a brighter shade of crimson which highlights the beauty of the sky. I'm back to appreciating the joy of each day. Worry and fear really do drain your energy and rob you of the simple pleasures in life. I must admit that I was back to repeating "One breath at a time". The anxiety was almost debilitating at times in the last couple of weeks. But onward we go as we head into Advent.
I still have my GI test to have done next week. Getting older really is not fun. I'm not sure how much of my discomfort has been due to lingering effects of the chemotherapy or just old age. I do know that it takes up to 2 years for the body to fully recover from the chemo. BC (before cancer) I rarely went to the doctor. I would see my family doctor once a year for a physical. That was it. I didn't have multiple appointments with various doctors. I didn't have any physical ailments or complaints that hung around my neck like a weighted stone. I saw a plaque recently that said "Getting old is not for the faint of heart". How true this is!! I don't like having all these appointments. They keep you from being able to do the things you really want to do in life. However, I also know that these appointments are necessary in order to find out what is going on with my body. But the really great news is that there is no cancer!!! I'm free!!!!!
In the midst of the appointments, I've been starting to think about Christmas. I've been practising some Christmas music on the piano in preparation for playing it at the Cancer Centre on Fridays during the Christmas season. This then puts me in the mood to decorate and do some more Christmas baking. Some of my piano students have been working on Christmas music as they prepare for a small Christmas recital. This always helps me get into the joyful spirit of Christmas. I do love Christmas time and the season of Advent. It also helps because we had our first real snowfall on Wednesday.
With the first snowfall comes the beauty of the snow on the trees. I was out shovelling our driveway at 6 in the morning so that we could get my daughter to her commitment at 8 a.m. The snow was very wet and heavy. It was very difficult to move and throw with the shovel. As I struggled and put all my weight behind the shovel, it inevitably stopped with a rolled up wave of slushy packed snow at the end of the shovel. I could have become very discouraged but what I truly saw was the perfect snow for making snowmen. I didn't have time on Wednesday to build a snowman but I wish I had. The temperature dropped well below freezing overnight into Thursday and then made the snow crunchy and crumbly which is not conducive to building a snowman. Oh well, hopefully I will have more opportunities later on. I really don't like the cold but I do find that if I embrace some of the winter activities that it helps the winter go by more quickly. But I've digressed. What I really wanted to describe was the beauty of the heavy snow on the trees. When I awoke on Wednesday morning, all the branches of the various trees and shrubs looked like they had white fluffy icing on them. The evergreen trees looked like umbrellas that were closed up due to the weight of the snow on the branches. It was very beautiful to look at though. I must confess that as I huffed and puffed my way through the chore of shoveling, I stopped to catch my breath and enjoy looking at the trees up and down the street. It was a beautiful morning!
While shoveling, I was reminded about how a brief moment can change your life and the lives of those around you in a flash. I was carrying a heavy load of snow with my shovel to a spot further along the road on my property. I was walking in the gutter of the road and as I heaved the snow off of my shovel, I heard a couple of short honks of a car horn. You know the kind I mean. The little friendly toots of friends driving by. Since my snow was off the shovel, I turned around to wave and saw an SUV sliding towards me. It didn't hit me but the woman driving had a terrified look on her face. She rolled her window down and apologized. She was sliding on the icy road towards me and she didn't know what to do so she honked her horn. No harm was done but I do believe that she drove down the street a little slower.
Wednesday's snowfall helped keep me busy until my appointment at the Cancer Centre and it helped keep the full extent of my anxiety and fear at bay. I must admit that this weekend I can finally feel my body relaxing as the lingering wisps of worry evaporate. As I see the sunrises and sunsets, they are full of rosy pinks. The few fluffy clouds at sunset have been edged by a brighter shade of crimson which highlights the beauty of the sky. I'm back to appreciating the joy of each day. Worry and fear really do drain your energy and rob you of the simple pleasures in life. I must admit that I was back to repeating "One breath at a time". The anxiety was almost debilitating at times in the last couple of weeks. But onward we go as we head into Advent.
I still have my GI test to have done next week. Getting older really is not fun. I'm not sure how much of my discomfort has been due to lingering effects of the chemotherapy or just old age. I do know that it takes up to 2 years for the body to fully recover from the chemo. BC (before cancer) I rarely went to the doctor. I would see my family doctor once a year for a physical. That was it. I didn't have multiple appointments with various doctors. I didn't have any physical ailments or complaints that hung around my neck like a weighted stone. I saw a plaque recently that said "Getting old is not for the faint of heart". How true this is!! I don't like having all these appointments. They keep you from being able to do the things you really want to do in life. However, I also know that these appointments are necessary in order to find out what is going on with my body. But the really great news is that there is no cancer!!! I'm free!!!!!
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