On Friday, I played piano for my hour from 12 to 1 p.m. at the Cancer Centre. I was allowed (as I am this coming Friday) to play Christmas music. I always choose soothing music mixed in with some upbeat music when I play background music at the Centre. I decided to play some traditional Christmas carols but also some fun and quirky Christmas music such as "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth". I wanted to impart some fun and joy into the atmosphere of a place where there is often sadness, grief and worry.
On Sunday, it was the week during Advent to focus on Joy. Joy....how do people manage to feel joy during difficult times of ill health or unhappy family homes full of strife? As I pondered this, I thought that joy doesn't necessarily mean happy. Joy can be a very different emotion which is found deep in our core. I remember worrying and feeling very anxious during the Advent season of 2011 when I knew I had cancer and by the week of "Joy", I knew it was lymphoma. I just didn't know what kind of lymphoma. I was still able to feel joy deep within when I was surrounded by my family. When I received phone calls from extended family who live far away.
As we feel sad, worried or lonely, we can still feel joy from small moments of love and kindness that happen in our day. Maybe it is a smile from a stranger. Yesterday, I had a few moments of joy even as I've struggled with some new worries. My day started with a ring of the doorbell. There were some friends standing on the doorstep in -20 degree weather holding a poinsettia and a cookie tin full of cookies. What a surprise and source of joy! Yesterday I also drove 10 hours round trip to pick my son up and bring him home for Christmas. It was wonderful to see him! I was filled with a deep love and joy. As I drove home and we got caught in traffic on the highway, my son fell asleep and I was still filled with joy as I remembered being pregnant with him almost 20 years ago. As we stopped for dinner on the way home, we reminisced about his preschool days when he was a very busy, active little boy. We laughed and I was filled with joy from the memories which at the time were actually very upsetting and worrisome. Joy is found deep within. Sometimes we have to look for it and consciously choose to tap into it. On the other hand, sometimes we just have to be open to the small moments in life that give joy. When I arrived home last night, there was a small package that had arrived at the house during the day. It was addressed to me, so I opened it up. What joy I received!! Inside the box was a coffee mug with Hershey kisses and a couple of small candy canes. I lifted the mug out and there was the real surprise and source of major joy! On the outside of the mug is a picture of me holding a clam with my muddy hands! My friends in PEI had a picture which was taken of me clam digging and they had it transferred onto the coffee mug! What a wonderful gift! An instant smile sprang to my face and I was filled with the warmth of love and joy!
As I said, sometimes we have to really look deep and hard to find a source of joy while we are going through adversities. I totally understand this. Not just from my more recent experience, but also in 1990 when my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He spent Christmas in the hospital that year although they gave him a day pass to come home for a few hours. We, as a family, were able to feel real joy that day. My dad was able to feel joy that day too. My future sister-in-law had been in contact with my sister, my oldest brother, my other brother (her fiancé) and me. She arranged to bring a tuba (which my oldest brother used to play in high school), some music stands and some Christmas band music. That particular day that my dad was home from the hospital, we went downstairs where there was more space and set up our instruments. I played the flute, my sister played the trumpet, my brother (the fiancé) played the clarinet and my oldest brother tried to play the tuba while my future sister-in-law played the alto saxophone. I remember as we tried to play, my oldest brother couldn't remember the fingerings for the tuba. No problem. My future sister-in-law was a music teacher and knew the fingerings so while my brother blew the tuba, she did the fingers on the valves. We played Christmas carols. I remember seeing the bright eyes and smile of my dad during a very difficult time. You see, he knew that his lung cancer was terminal. He was going to start chemotherapy over the holidays that year knowing that it was only a 30% chance that it might work. But I can tell you that he felt great joy as we all gathered and played music. Later that night when he returned to his room at the hospital, my future sister-in-law came in with her guitar and we all sang Christmas carols around his bed. The nurses on the floor that night came in and listened. There was pure joy even as we were all grieving and sad. I remember singing Silent Night and crying as I watched him lying exhausted in bed. But there was also joy that we were all together. Sometimes you have to look hard for the joy and then hang onto those moments and memories.
So I hope that you may be touched with God's strong and joyful spirit this holiday season so that laughter, warmth, and delight in small things may fill your heart and soul. I pray that we can all have joy that runs deeper than our sorrows and worries. Hope, Peace, Joy. These are the real gifts of the Christmas season and Advent.
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
Sunday, 8 December 2013
Advent 2013 - Peace and Hope
I was asked this past week to prepare for my church how I, personally, practice HOPE or manage to feel HOPE in situations. I spoke at my church this morning and now feel it appropriate to share it on the blog. May it help you have HOPE in this season of Advent but also at other times of the year and in all situations.
Hope.....what is hope? I was asked to speak about how I, personally, manage to feel hope in all situations. Over the years, it has been music and scripture that has provided me with hope in various situations where I felt utterly hopeless. Singing is a form of worship and prayer even when I am at home by myself. I always rely on Psalm 31: vs. 3-5, "For You are my rock and my fortress; therefore, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me. Pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me, for You are my strength. Into Your hand I commit my spirit; You have redeemed me O Lord God of truth." This scripture is a balm to my soul when the going gets rough in life. I imagine a rock and a strong, thick fortress built from rocks that protects me from all sides; a refuge in times of difficulty. I practise keeping an open line of communication with my God. Sometimes I drift away when the going is good but I always find God's glorious presence in unexpected moments in nature and music. When I finished my last treatment, my husband took me to Lemoine's Point for a very slow walk to the water's edge where I saw sunbeams shining through the clouds and reflecting on the water. He used to take me to the parking spot across from the airport while I was in treatment and too weak to walk. We would sit and just soak up the peacefulness of the water whether it was calm or choppy. This always gave me hope as I looked forward to being strong enough to walk at the water's edge. 2 years ago while I waited for diagnostic tests, I knew I had cancer. We just didn't know what kind. My options were thyroid cancer, lymphoma or lung cancer. Lung cancer......This caused major fear and terror because my dad died in 1991 from lung cancer and was diagnosed at the exact same time of year....Nov. 30, 1990. Fear is a powerful distractor from our ability to hope. I couldn't sing or play my flute. I didn't feel like playing the piano. However, the birdsongs I heard outside my home were another form of music which was a balm to my soul. It gave me hope that as the old children's hymn says, "God sees the little sparrow fall, He meets his tender needs". If God can look after all the tiny sparrows and birds that provided me with such wonderful music, then God would take care of me too. No matter what. That's where the hope came from. God is the source of the hope that all things would be taken care of including me. But....to connect with God I needed quiet time. I think this is why nature is such a draw for me because there is nothing like the peaceful quietness of nature to connect with God. I used to fulfill my responsibilities from the time I arose in the morning straight through to the time I fell exhausted into bed at night. During my illness and treatments and even now, I build in quiet time in the morning and at night to reflect on my relationship with God. Sometimes this comes in the form of prayer. Sometimes it comes in the form of meditation with the aid of "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo. Sometimes....during the day I have unexpected moments which I call Godcidences where I see God is with me. These fill me with hope that things will get better. I had one just on Friday. I returned a friend's phone call and we chatted. She mentioned how she would just like to sing for the pure joy of singing (make a joyful noise). This appealed to me as I've continued to struggle with my voice. A private get together to sing music without any expectations! What a gift this would be in my day! We decided to be spontaneous and meet at the church to sing in Upper Founders' Hall. I was supposed to do my groceries but instead I quickly ran downstairs and grabbed just a few books and pieces of music without thinking. When I arrived at the church, I saw my minister in the hall and she discussed with me the possibility of speaking about how I practise my hope. I agreed and planned to ponder this on Saturday. I continued to Upper Founders' Hall with my friend and we chose music at random. The very first song spoke to me very strongly! I had a Godcidence!! This music fit the topic of Advent Hope and Peace perfectly. As I sang it, I had a full warmth fill my body and soul. God was with me again as I was struggling with a very chaotic personal week. God provided me with hope as I sang with a friend in a spontaneous rendezvous. I would have missed this wonderful experience if I had said no to it so I could get my groceries done. Hope is available to all of us if we allow ourselves to be still, quiet and accept the possibility of God's constant presence with us. I will now sing a short excerpt from the song that was definitely a Godcidence on Friday. It's called "From A Distance" which was performed by Bette Midler.
Since I can't sing on the blog, the words that really spoke to me were "It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace, it's the voice of every man."
I wish you all an Advent season filled with Hope, Peace, Joy and Love.
Hope.....what is hope? I was asked to speak about how I, personally, manage to feel hope in all situations. Over the years, it has been music and scripture that has provided me with hope in various situations where I felt utterly hopeless. Singing is a form of worship and prayer even when I am at home by myself. I always rely on Psalm 31: vs. 3-5, "For You are my rock and my fortress; therefore, for Your name's sake, lead me and guide me. Pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me, for You are my strength. Into Your hand I commit my spirit; You have redeemed me O Lord God of truth." This scripture is a balm to my soul when the going gets rough in life. I imagine a rock and a strong, thick fortress built from rocks that protects me from all sides; a refuge in times of difficulty. I practise keeping an open line of communication with my God. Sometimes I drift away when the going is good but I always find God's glorious presence in unexpected moments in nature and music. When I finished my last treatment, my husband took me to Lemoine's Point for a very slow walk to the water's edge where I saw sunbeams shining through the clouds and reflecting on the water. He used to take me to the parking spot across from the airport while I was in treatment and too weak to walk. We would sit and just soak up the peacefulness of the water whether it was calm or choppy. This always gave me hope as I looked forward to being strong enough to walk at the water's edge. 2 years ago while I waited for diagnostic tests, I knew I had cancer. We just didn't know what kind. My options were thyroid cancer, lymphoma or lung cancer. Lung cancer......This caused major fear and terror because my dad died in 1991 from lung cancer and was diagnosed at the exact same time of year....Nov. 30, 1990. Fear is a powerful distractor from our ability to hope. I couldn't sing or play my flute. I didn't feel like playing the piano. However, the birdsongs I heard outside my home were another form of music which was a balm to my soul. It gave me hope that as the old children's hymn says, "God sees the little sparrow fall, He meets his tender needs". If God can look after all the tiny sparrows and birds that provided me with such wonderful music, then God would take care of me too. No matter what. That's where the hope came from. God is the source of the hope that all things would be taken care of including me. But....to connect with God I needed quiet time. I think this is why nature is such a draw for me because there is nothing like the peaceful quietness of nature to connect with God. I used to fulfill my responsibilities from the time I arose in the morning straight through to the time I fell exhausted into bed at night. During my illness and treatments and even now, I build in quiet time in the morning and at night to reflect on my relationship with God. Sometimes this comes in the form of prayer. Sometimes it comes in the form of meditation with the aid of "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo. Sometimes....during the day I have unexpected moments which I call Godcidences where I see God is with me. These fill me with hope that things will get better. I had one just on Friday. I returned a friend's phone call and we chatted. She mentioned how she would just like to sing for the pure joy of singing (make a joyful noise). This appealed to me as I've continued to struggle with my voice. A private get together to sing music without any expectations! What a gift this would be in my day! We decided to be spontaneous and meet at the church to sing in Upper Founders' Hall. I was supposed to do my groceries but instead I quickly ran downstairs and grabbed just a few books and pieces of music without thinking. When I arrived at the church, I saw my minister in the hall and she discussed with me the possibility of speaking about how I practise my hope. I agreed and planned to ponder this on Saturday. I continued to Upper Founders' Hall with my friend and we chose music at random. The very first song spoke to me very strongly! I had a Godcidence!! This music fit the topic of Advent Hope and Peace perfectly. As I sang it, I had a full warmth fill my body and soul. God was with me again as I was struggling with a very chaotic personal week. God provided me with hope as I sang with a friend in a spontaneous rendezvous. I would have missed this wonderful experience if I had said no to it so I could get my groceries done. Hope is available to all of us if we allow ourselves to be still, quiet and accept the possibility of God's constant presence with us. I will now sing a short excerpt from the song that was definitely a Godcidence on Friday. It's called "From A Distance" which was performed by Bette Midler.
Since I can't sing on the blog, the words that really spoke to me were "It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace, it's the voice of every man."
I wish you all an Advent season filled with Hope, Peace, Joy and Love.
Sunday, 1 December 2013
Tests, tests and more tests
It has been a very busy last couple of weeks. I had a check up at the Cancer Centre which resulted in two weeks of fear and anxiety as I was referred for a CT scan and then awaiting the results of that. On Wednesday this past week, I had another appointment with my new hematologist (oncologist that specializes in lymphoma). This was a great appointment as I found out the CT scan was clear!! However as my doctor pointed out that does not help to explain some of the symptoms that I'm continuing to experience. I do not need to come back to my hematologist until 6 months from now. But I was referred to another doctor who specializes in throats as well as ears and noses and I am to have a Barium test of my upper GI. I saw the ENT doctor on Thursday when he put small camera on the end of a fragile flexible cord up my nose and down into my throat. The pictures he saw showed that my throat and vocal chords are very healthy. There was some slight swelling that was unexplainable so I am to go back and see him again in 3 months. The swelling may be related to my other symptoms to do with my upper GI. But I have been given the affirmation that I can work on getting my singing voice back into shape.
In the midst of the appointments, I've been starting to think about Christmas. I've been practising some Christmas music on the piano in preparation for playing it at the Cancer Centre on Fridays during the Christmas season. This then puts me in the mood to decorate and do some more Christmas baking. Some of my piano students have been working on Christmas music as they prepare for a small Christmas recital. This always helps me get into the joyful spirit of Christmas. I do love Christmas time and the season of Advent. It also helps because we had our first real snowfall on Wednesday.
With the first snowfall comes the beauty of the snow on the trees. I was out shovelling our driveway at 6 in the morning so that we could get my daughter to her commitment at 8 a.m. The snow was very wet and heavy. It was very difficult to move and throw with the shovel. As I struggled and put all my weight behind the shovel, it inevitably stopped with a rolled up wave of slushy packed snow at the end of the shovel. I could have become very discouraged but what I truly saw was the perfect snow for making snowmen. I didn't have time on Wednesday to build a snowman but I wish I had. The temperature dropped well below freezing overnight into Thursday and then made the snow crunchy and crumbly which is not conducive to building a snowman. Oh well, hopefully I will have more opportunities later on. I really don't like the cold but I do find that if I embrace some of the winter activities that it helps the winter go by more quickly. But I've digressed. What I really wanted to describe was the beauty of the heavy snow on the trees. When I awoke on Wednesday morning, all the branches of the various trees and shrubs looked like they had white fluffy icing on them. The evergreen trees looked like umbrellas that were closed up due to the weight of the snow on the branches. It was very beautiful to look at though. I must confess that as I huffed and puffed my way through the chore of shoveling, I stopped to catch my breath and enjoy looking at the trees up and down the street. It was a beautiful morning!
While shoveling, I was reminded about how a brief moment can change your life and the lives of those around you in a flash. I was carrying a heavy load of snow with my shovel to a spot further along the road on my property. I was walking in the gutter of the road and as I heaved the snow off of my shovel, I heard a couple of short honks of a car horn. You know the kind I mean. The little friendly toots of friends driving by. Since my snow was off the shovel, I turned around to wave and saw an SUV sliding towards me. It didn't hit me but the woman driving had a terrified look on her face. She rolled her window down and apologized. She was sliding on the icy road towards me and she didn't know what to do so she honked her horn. No harm was done but I do believe that she drove down the street a little slower.
Wednesday's snowfall helped keep me busy until my appointment at the Cancer Centre and it helped keep the full extent of my anxiety and fear at bay. I must admit that this weekend I can finally feel my body relaxing as the lingering wisps of worry evaporate. As I see the sunrises and sunsets, they are full of rosy pinks. The few fluffy clouds at sunset have been edged by a brighter shade of crimson which highlights the beauty of the sky. I'm back to appreciating the joy of each day. Worry and fear really do drain your energy and rob you of the simple pleasures in life. I must admit that I was back to repeating "One breath at a time". The anxiety was almost debilitating at times in the last couple of weeks. But onward we go as we head into Advent.
I still have my GI test to have done next week. Getting older really is not fun. I'm not sure how much of my discomfort has been due to lingering effects of the chemotherapy or just old age. I do know that it takes up to 2 years for the body to fully recover from the chemo. BC (before cancer) I rarely went to the doctor. I would see my family doctor once a year for a physical. That was it. I didn't have multiple appointments with various doctors. I didn't have any physical ailments or complaints that hung around my neck like a weighted stone. I saw a plaque recently that said "Getting old is not for the faint of heart". How true this is!! I don't like having all these appointments. They keep you from being able to do the things you really want to do in life. However, I also know that these appointments are necessary in order to find out what is going on with my body. But the really great news is that there is no cancer!!! I'm free!!!!!
In the midst of the appointments, I've been starting to think about Christmas. I've been practising some Christmas music on the piano in preparation for playing it at the Cancer Centre on Fridays during the Christmas season. This then puts me in the mood to decorate and do some more Christmas baking. Some of my piano students have been working on Christmas music as they prepare for a small Christmas recital. This always helps me get into the joyful spirit of Christmas. I do love Christmas time and the season of Advent. It also helps because we had our first real snowfall on Wednesday.
With the first snowfall comes the beauty of the snow on the trees. I was out shovelling our driveway at 6 in the morning so that we could get my daughter to her commitment at 8 a.m. The snow was very wet and heavy. It was very difficult to move and throw with the shovel. As I struggled and put all my weight behind the shovel, it inevitably stopped with a rolled up wave of slushy packed snow at the end of the shovel. I could have become very discouraged but what I truly saw was the perfect snow for making snowmen. I didn't have time on Wednesday to build a snowman but I wish I had. The temperature dropped well below freezing overnight into Thursday and then made the snow crunchy and crumbly which is not conducive to building a snowman. Oh well, hopefully I will have more opportunities later on. I really don't like the cold but I do find that if I embrace some of the winter activities that it helps the winter go by more quickly. But I've digressed. What I really wanted to describe was the beauty of the heavy snow on the trees. When I awoke on Wednesday morning, all the branches of the various trees and shrubs looked like they had white fluffy icing on them. The evergreen trees looked like umbrellas that were closed up due to the weight of the snow on the branches. It was very beautiful to look at though. I must confess that as I huffed and puffed my way through the chore of shoveling, I stopped to catch my breath and enjoy looking at the trees up and down the street. It was a beautiful morning!
While shoveling, I was reminded about how a brief moment can change your life and the lives of those around you in a flash. I was carrying a heavy load of snow with my shovel to a spot further along the road on my property. I was walking in the gutter of the road and as I heaved the snow off of my shovel, I heard a couple of short honks of a car horn. You know the kind I mean. The little friendly toots of friends driving by. Since my snow was off the shovel, I turned around to wave and saw an SUV sliding towards me. It didn't hit me but the woman driving had a terrified look on her face. She rolled her window down and apologized. She was sliding on the icy road towards me and she didn't know what to do so she honked her horn. No harm was done but I do believe that she drove down the street a little slower.
Wednesday's snowfall helped keep me busy until my appointment at the Cancer Centre and it helped keep the full extent of my anxiety and fear at bay. I must admit that this weekend I can finally feel my body relaxing as the lingering wisps of worry evaporate. As I see the sunrises and sunsets, they are full of rosy pinks. The few fluffy clouds at sunset have been edged by a brighter shade of crimson which highlights the beauty of the sky. I'm back to appreciating the joy of each day. Worry and fear really do drain your energy and rob you of the simple pleasures in life. I must admit that I was back to repeating "One breath at a time". The anxiety was almost debilitating at times in the last couple of weeks. But onward we go as we head into Advent.
I still have my GI test to have done next week. Getting older really is not fun. I'm not sure how much of my discomfort has been due to lingering effects of the chemotherapy or just old age. I do know that it takes up to 2 years for the body to fully recover from the chemo. BC (before cancer) I rarely went to the doctor. I would see my family doctor once a year for a physical. That was it. I didn't have multiple appointments with various doctors. I didn't have any physical ailments or complaints that hung around my neck like a weighted stone. I saw a plaque recently that said "Getting old is not for the faint of heart". How true this is!! I don't like having all these appointments. They keep you from being able to do the things you really want to do in life. However, I also know that these appointments are necessary in order to find out what is going on with my body. But the really great news is that there is no cancer!!! I'm free!!!!!
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
My Invisible Fear and Anxiety
For the most part I've been able to enjoy life and live each moment to the fullest since I finished my chemo and have been in remission. I look back at all my fun activities and deep moments of connection with family and friends in the last 16 months and I can truly say that life is good. Now here comes the but. I still grieve for the singing voice I used to have. This was such an integral part of my identity. I would sing around the house. I would sing with the radio. I would sing in the shower. I would sing while I played the piano. I sang all the time. I can sing tenor now and maybe on a good day, I can sing in the alto range. But regardless of the day, my throat hurts after singing and there feels like there is a lump of hard something in the throat. I have returned to singing in the choir at church although I have not been to practice or church for the last couple of weeks because I was busy.
On November 9, we travelled to a dear friend's 80th birthday party. This was in another city and required staying overnight. We enjoyed seeing our friend and her family. It was a wonderful afternoon tea in a century home called Osler House which is a bed and breakfast as well. The tea was excellent as well as the dainty sandwiches, pickles, homemade scones with jam and clotted cream, the shortbread and the birthday cake. The afternoon went by very quickly. This lady is the mother of my husband's childhood friend. We don't see these friends very often any more as we have all moved away. We went off to our hotel and settled in to relax for a bit before we went to dinner with my husband's friend. I was very tired which could be explained from the travel as well as the rush to get some Christmas baking done for an early family Christmas gathering on Nov. 16. But regardless of the logical reasons why I may have a deep fatigue where it is difficult to complete my day, I do have fear of the lymphoma returning. We did have dinner with our friends and as has been happening for the last number of weeks, I had bloating, gas and stomach pain. This has been happening after every meal and snack that I have ingested since Thanksgiving. Again my invisible companions that are fear and anxiety let me know they are with me. The next day, my husband and I made a short jaunt to visit our son at university and have lunch with him before returning home. It was so nice to see him!!
As I mentioned, I've been very tired and dragging. Night sweats have returned with a vengeance. They may be caused by menopause and I wouldn't be as worried except that I have the deep fatigue which I had in the summer and fall of 2011 before being diagnosed. These 2 symptoms combined with the new symptoms of belly pain, bloating, acid reflux and indigestion feed the anxiety and fear that hum just under the surface of my consciousness. I've been handling my anxiety by keeping busy. As I mentioned, I spent the last couple of weeks baking and cooking in preparation for a family Christmas gathering we had this past weekend. It's been a busy time which could explain my fatigue. Before I played the piano at the Cancer Centre on Friday, I had packed the van with all the food, presents and our clothing so we could get on the road for the trip to my hometown. We left Friday at 1:00, picked my son up at his university and continued to my brother's home where we stayed Friday and Saturday night. This was eight hours of driving. We drove another four hours (round trip) to the Christmas event on Saturday and then another eight hours home on Sunday. Extended family is important and we really enjoyed ourselves even though my symptoms were constantly with me.
In the midst of the preparations last week, I had a scheduled check-up at the Cancer Centre. This is when my blood work is done to look for the elevated protein in the blood that would indicate lymphoma. When I was diagnosed with the specific type of lymphoma on January 4, 2012, that protein was not elevated in my blood work. I was seen by a "fellow" (like a student doctor). I told him about my fears and hoped that I would be reassured that everything was fine. He examined me. What has added to my anxiety is that he was tapping and feeling around my abdomen on the left side. He spent a fair amount of time in that area which I believe is where the spleen is. I remember that an enlarged spleen is another identifier of lymphoma. After talking with me and examining me, he went to confer with his mentor which is the hematologist that I have been assigned to since Dr. Meyer moved away. I am now waiting for an appointment to be scheduled for a CT scan. The hematologist wanted the CT scan done this week. I remember vividly that the waiting and the unknown future feed my anxiety and fears. It doesn't help that this is all happening just like it did 2 years ago. It was exactly 2 years ago that I had a sore throat and hoarseness. The same symptoms are happening again. So I find myself praying and repeating my mantra "one breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time". I'm trying to take one moment at a time. When the fear starts to take hold, I focus on one breath at a time.
I'm also continuing to take each day as a gift. I fill it with responsibilities to keep me distracted from my fear. I spend my "down time" with family and friends as well as practising the piano. Making music is a balm to my soul and helps ease the tightness of anxiety that is taking hold. Friends and family see me and I look well. I smile. I laugh. I enjoy their company. I don't want to appear as a neurotic "basket case". However, the fear and anxiety are there. There has been an entry in my Mark Nepo book, "The Book of Awakening" that mentions identifying the emotion, acknowledging it and then breathing deeply to release it. I find this helps because it acknowledges the reality of what I'm feeling and then I can breathe and release it for a little while. This is especially helpful in these times when I'm waiting for appointments and I have no "news" to share. I don't want to worry my friends and family needlessly so I carry my fear and anxiety within until I either have confirmation that everything is just fine or that we have the next step......... My hope is that everything will be fine but my fear is that the lymphoma is returning.
I guess I'm writing all this to remind myself and others that people aren't always what they seem. We may see people on the street who look "normal" and "healthy" but they may be struggling with demons of which we are not aware.
On November 9, we travelled to a dear friend's 80th birthday party. This was in another city and required staying overnight. We enjoyed seeing our friend and her family. It was a wonderful afternoon tea in a century home called Osler House which is a bed and breakfast as well. The tea was excellent as well as the dainty sandwiches, pickles, homemade scones with jam and clotted cream, the shortbread and the birthday cake. The afternoon went by very quickly. This lady is the mother of my husband's childhood friend. We don't see these friends very often any more as we have all moved away. We went off to our hotel and settled in to relax for a bit before we went to dinner with my husband's friend. I was very tired which could be explained from the travel as well as the rush to get some Christmas baking done for an early family Christmas gathering on Nov. 16. But regardless of the logical reasons why I may have a deep fatigue where it is difficult to complete my day, I do have fear of the lymphoma returning. We did have dinner with our friends and as has been happening for the last number of weeks, I had bloating, gas and stomach pain. This has been happening after every meal and snack that I have ingested since Thanksgiving. Again my invisible companions that are fear and anxiety let me know they are with me. The next day, my husband and I made a short jaunt to visit our son at university and have lunch with him before returning home. It was so nice to see him!!
As I mentioned, I've been very tired and dragging. Night sweats have returned with a vengeance. They may be caused by menopause and I wouldn't be as worried except that I have the deep fatigue which I had in the summer and fall of 2011 before being diagnosed. These 2 symptoms combined with the new symptoms of belly pain, bloating, acid reflux and indigestion feed the anxiety and fear that hum just under the surface of my consciousness. I've been handling my anxiety by keeping busy. As I mentioned, I spent the last couple of weeks baking and cooking in preparation for a family Christmas gathering we had this past weekend. It's been a busy time which could explain my fatigue. Before I played the piano at the Cancer Centre on Friday, I had packed the van with all the food, presents and our clothing so we could get on the road for the trip to my hometown. We left Friday at 1:00, picked my son up at his university and continued to my brother's home where we stayed Friday and Saturday night. This was eight hours of driving. We drove another four hours (round trip) to the Christmas event on Saturday and then another eight hours home on Sunday. Extended family is important and we really enjoyed ourselves even though my symptoms were constantly with me.
In the midst of the preparations last week, I had a scheduled check-up at the Cancer Centre. This is when my blood work is done to look for the elevated protein in the blood that would indicate lymphoma. When I was diagnosed with the specific type of lymphoma on January 4, 2012, that protein was not elevated in my blood work. I was seen by a "fellow" (like a student doctor). I told him about my fears and hoped that I would be reassured that everything was fine. He examined me. What has added to my anxiety is that he was tapping and feeling around my abdomen on the left side. He spent a fair amount of time in that area which I believe is where the spleen is. I remember that an enlarged spleen is another identifier of lymphoma. After talking with me and examining me, he went to confer with his mentor which is the hematologist that I have been assigned to since Dr. Meyer moved away. I am now waiting for an appointment to be scheduled for a CT scan. The hematologist wanted the CT scan done this week. I remember vividly that the waiting and the unknown future feed my anxiety and fears. It doesn't help that this is all happening just like it did 2 years ago. It was exactly 2 years ago that I had a sore throat and hoarseness. The same symptoms are happening again. So I find myself praying and repeating my mantra "one breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time". I'm trying to take one moment at a time. When the fear starts to take hold, I focus on one breath at a time.
I'm also continuing to take each day as a gift. I fill it with responsibilities to keep me distracted from my fear. I spend my "down time" with family and friends as well as practising the piano. Making music is a balm to my soul and helps ease the tightness of anxiety that is taking hold. Friends and family see me and I look well. I smile. I laugh. I enjoy their company. I don't want to appear as a neurotic "basket case". However, the fear and anxiety are there. There has been an entry in my Mark Nepo book, "The Book of Awakening" that mentions identifying the emotion, acknowledging it and then breathing deeply to release it. I find this helps because it acknowledges the reality of what I'm feeling and then I can breathe and release it for a little while. This is especially helpful in these times when I'm waiting for appointments and I have no "news" to share. I don't want to worry my friends and family needlessly so I carry my fear and anxiety within until I either have confirmation that everything is just fine or that we have the next step......... My hope is that everything will be fine but my fear is that the lymphoma is returning.
I guess I'm writing all this to remind myself and others that people aren't always what they seem. We may see people on the street who look "normal" and "healthy" but they may be struggling with demons of which we are not aware.
Saturday, 2 November 2013
Strong Winds and Wild Waves
What a glorious day this has been!! When I had a check-up at the Cancer Centre in April of this year, I noticed there was a grand piano in the foyer at the main entrance to the Cancer Centre. I had a strong urge to play and share some music that day with the various staff, patients and family eating lunch at the tables, waiting for appointments or waiting for rides to come and pick them up. As I ate my lunch that day back in April, I watched the number of people coming and going. I truly felt a strong pulling sensation to give back to all the staff and employees for all their positive support throughout my chemotherapy treatments and check-ups over the last year and a half. Since April, I've discovered who I needed to contact in order to have permission to play the grand piano in the foyer of the Cancer Centre. Last week, I was granted this permission to play on Fridays from 12 to 1 p.m. Today was my first day of playing some background music on the Steinway that is in the foyer.
As I set out from my home, I was pelted with leaves and twigs from my maple tree in my front yard. The wind was tremendously strong and vocal as it whipped the leaves off the trees and snapped twigs from their branches. I needed to hold on to the steering wheel with both hands as the wind buffeted my van while I drove to the Cancer Centre. At one stop light, the wind rocked my van from side to side as if there were large men shoving on my van. Once I was parked, I had a 10 minute walk to get to the Centre. I was literally bent over to make progress down the street against the gusting wind.
Once I arrived, I got myself settled at the piano with all my music. You see, I'm not very good at memorizing music. I never have been. But....put some written music in front of me, and I can play almost all of it. I had spent the last week picking out music that would appeal to various types of people. Some people like classical while others like pop or jazz. Some people even like rock or country. I am always nervous performing in front of people. The thought of being the background music and not the main attraction always is a much better fit for my temperament. So today, I was able to play music as background music to people eating their lunches, or waiting for appointments or waiting for family members to come down from appointments. Some people were even just waiting for their transportation home. This relaxes me as I am not the focal point of the venue. I played some classical, jazz, big band, children's music, reels, rock and pop music. I even played a few selections from musicals. I was acutely aware that the acoustics in this foyer are very lively and it does not require a lot of volume. I had fun and was able to just enjoy playing without an excess of nervous energy.
At one point, a gentleman stood behind me, listened and watched while I played. When I stopped playing to change music, he mentioned that he had heard me perform a reel and he thought I must be from the east coast. I looked at him and noticed that his jacket said "Schneiders Male Chorus". I asked him if he was from Kitchener. He indicated yes and I stated that I had seen his jacket. He used to direct the Schneiders Male Chorus. I looked at him again and he seemed vaguely familiar. Through our conversation, we discovered that he used to direct me when I was a teenager in the Ontario Youth Choir. Talk about a small world. His compliments on my playing took on new meaning! This was a man that knew his music and was very well educated in music as well as a fine performer in his own right. I felt a warm glow within as I realized that my strong urge to give back to the Cancer Centre was in fact also returning a wonderful gift back to me. I received many other compliments from people who were in the foyer throughout the noon hour today. Unknownst to me (and thankfully so), my first performance at the Cancer Centre was actually an audition of sorts. I passed and am now allowed and welcomed to play every Friday during the noon hour.
As I battled the wind back to my van, I was filled with a deep joy. I am so blessed!! Although I don't sing very well anymore and I don't seem to be able to play the flute anymore, I am able to still make a difference to someone else's day through my music! Music has always been such a large part of who I am and I have been feeling sorry for myself as well as lost. Today's experience was absolutely wonderful and magnificent!
Once at home, I started working on some of the administrative tasks associated with my studio teaching. The afternoon flew by. In the late afternoon, a new friend contacted me, knowing that I love the water down at the lake and that I am willing to stand in the wind and the rain to take pictures as I try to capture the lively and angry waves. She asked if I would like to go with her to capture the roiling water in the high winds today. I was torn. I should finish the paperwork I was working on. But on the other hand, the paperwork will be there tomorrow but the high waves may not be. So Imade the impulsive decision listened to my inner voice to abandon (take a break?) my responsibilities and grab the camera to go down to the lakeshore with my friend.
I am so glad that I followed the urgings to go to the lakeshore. The winds were so strong that I was being moved around. A fir tree was bent at a 45 degree angle due to the winds. The high grasses were almost levelled to the ground as the wind whipped them sideways. The waves were higher than I've ever seen! They had to be close to 12 feet high! My pictures were fantastic!! They're still on camera because after spending an hour down at the lake, I then exchanged my camera for my van keys and picked up some other friends to go to the local OHL game. It's been a super, super day!!
November is normally cold, wet and windy. It signifies Remembrance Day and the beginning of the long, dark winter days. Today was anything but long and dark. It was glorious and exhilarating! I loved the wind. I loved the wild waves with their angry looking white caps. I truly have an affinity with the water in all its forms whether it is calm and still or roiling and angry. My music was a gift that I was able to share today. I also shared some friendship and maybe even kinship with a new friend. How thoughtful it was of her to ask me to accompany her to the lakeshore! I've been feeling a little blue due to the end of the summer months. Today reminded me that I can embrace the not so nice days of winter, enjoy them and accept them as a gift.
As I set out from my home, I was pelted with leaves and twigs from my maple tree in my front yard. The wind was tremendously strong and vocal as it whipped the leaves off the trees and snapped twigs from their branches. I needed to hold on to the steering wheel with both hands as the wind buffeted my van while I drove to the Cancer Centre. At one stop light, the wind rocked my van from side to side as if there were large men shoving on my van. Once I was parked, I had a 10 minute walk to get to the Centre. I was literally bent over to make progress down the street against the gusting wind.
Once I arrived, I got myself settled at the piano with all my music. You see, I'm not very good at memorizing music. I never have been. But....put some written music in front of me, and I can play almost all of it. I had spent the last week picking out music that would appeal to various types of people. Some people like classical while others like pop or jazz. Some people even like rock or country. I am always nervous performing in front of people. The thought of being the background music and not the main attraction always is a much better fit for my temperament. So today, I was able to play music as background music to people eating their lunches, or waiting for appointments or waiting for family members to come down from appointments. Some people were even just waiting for their transportation home. This relaxes me as I am not the focal point of the venue. I played some classical, jazz, big band, children's music, reels, rock and pop music. I even played a few selections from musicals. I was acutely aware that the acoustics in this foyer are very lively and it does not require a lot of volume. I had fun and was able to just enjoy playing without an excess of nervous energy.
At one point, a gentleman stood behind me, listened and watched while I played. When I stopped playing to change music, he mentioned that he had heard me perform a reel and he thought I must be from the east coast. I looked at him and noticed that his jacket said "Schneiders Male Chorus". I asked him if he was from Kitchener. He indicated yes and I stated that I had seen his jacket. He used to direct the Schneiders Male Chorus. I looked at him again and he seemed vaguely familiar. Through our conversation, we discovered that he used to direct me when I was a teenager in the Ontario Youth Choir. Talk about a small world. His compliments on my playing took on new meaning! This was a man that knew his music and was very well educated in music as well as a fine performer in his own right. I felt a warm glow within as I realized that my strong urge to give back to the Cancer Centre was in fact also returning a wonderful gift back to me. I received many other compliments from people who were in the foyer throughout the noon hour today. Unknownst to me (and thankfully so), my first performance at the Cancer Centre was actually an audition of sorts. I passed and am now allowed and welcomed to play every Friday during the noon hour.
As I battled the wind back to my van, I was filled with a deep joy. I am so blessed!! Although I don't sing very well anymore and I don't seem to be able to play the flute anymore, I am able to still make a difference to someone else's day through my music! Music has always been such a large part of who I am and I have been feeling sorry for myself as well as lost. Today's experience was absolutely wonderful and magnificent!
Once at home, I started working on some of the administrative tasks associated with my studio teaching. The afternoon flew by. In the late afternoon, a new friend contacted me, knowing that I love the water down at the lake and that I am willing to stand in the wind and the rain to take pictures as I try to capture the lively and angry waves. She asked if I would like to go with her to capture the roiling water in the high winds today. I was torn. I should finish the paperwork I was working on. But on the other hand, the paperwork will be there tomorrow but the high waves may not be. So I
I am so glad that I followed the urgings to go to the lakeshore. The winds were so strong that I was being moved around. A fir tree was bent at a 45 degree angle due to the winds. The high grasses were almost levelled to the ground as the wind whipped them sideways. The waves were higher than I've ever seen! They had to be close to 12 feet high! My pictures were fantastic!! They're still on camera because after spending an hour down at the lake, I then exchanged my camera for my van keys and picked up some other friends to go to the local OHL game. It's been a super, super day!!
November is normally cold, wet and windy. It signifies Remembrance Day and the beginning of the long, dark winter days. Today was anything but long and dark. It was glorious and exhilarating! I loved the wind. I loved the wild waves with their angry looking white caps. I truly have an affinity with the water in all its forms whether it is calm and still or roiling and angry. My music was a gift that I was able to share today. I also shared some friendship and maybe even kinship with a new friend. How thoughtful it was of her to ask me to accompany her to the lakeshore! I've been feeling a little blue due to the end of the summer months. Today reminded me that I can embrace the not so nice days of winter, enjoy them and accept them as a gift.
Saturday, 26 October 2013
Thanksgiving and Autumn Excursions
It's been a month since I last posted. The time has flown by very quickly again. I intended to post on Thanksgiving Monday (Oct. 15) but instead, I went on an excursion for the day on the back of my husband's motorcycle. My bout with lymphoma has made me more open to dropping all my chores and responsibilities for an opportunity to enjoy this beautiful earth or spend time with people who are special to me and enrich my life. So the last month has been full of bike rides, dinners with friends as well as my family and yes, I'm still trying to keep up with the chores.
I've been continuing to teach piano and have been still trying to sing. I've started practising with my church choir again but I am more of a body than a section leader like I once used to be. I used to sing soprano and now I sing tenor or if I'm having a good day, I can sing alto. My throat still gets sore and swells after too much singing so I have to sing lightly and limit the length of time that I am at practice. I'm still grieving the loss of my singing voice. I'm mentally working on trying to get past what I used to be able to do. I used to be able to sing so well that I would bring tears to people's eyes and I could worship my God in full glory. Now my voice is just a small whisper of what it used to be. I had hoped that the voice would come back but I'm beginning to accept that this is as good as it gets. Most of the time, I'm in a good headspace regarding my singing but occasionally, I am surprised with a bout of tears and sadness as I remember what I used to sound like. When my daughter was confirmed in June 2011, I sang "The Prayer" as a duet at the service. It was very emotional and I've heard the recording from that service. It was an absolute gift to my God but also to my daughter. I have mixed emotions because it was the last time that I sang so well. Anyway, I mention all this because these are the thoughts and feelings that surround my attempt to return to the choir. I will continue to try to sing in church as I believe that God can still use my attempts to sing to His/Her glory.
On Oct. 11, I drove 10 hours (round trip) to pick my son up from university and bring him home for Thanksgiving and his October reading week. What a joy it was to arrive at his residence, open up my door, climb out and find myself enfolded in his big hug! My thoughts were "He missed me!!!" Oh how I missed him. After arriving home, we went directly to the local OHL hockey game and enjoyed time with my husband and our friend. I loved Thanksgiving. I was feeling so thankful for being alive. I remember feeling that way last year too. I'm not sure that this feeling of thankfulness will ever leave. My daughter had to work so we delayed our Thanksgiving dinner until after she returned home. What a nice day and evening meal it was. We had our turkey, my homemade cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes with gravy, stuffing, corn kernels and a turnip casserole. Dessert topped off the meal with my homemade pumpkin pie and apple pie. It was so good but we were very full. I have always been able to eat these kinds of meals and feel just fine. This year, I was experiencing heart burn and acid reflux after the meal. In my thoughts, I was anxious as this can be a symptom of the lymphoma returning in my abdomen. I've also been experiencing more night sweats again and have been feeling tired and dragging which are also lymphoma symptoms. I then had a silent conversation with myself reassuring me that it is most likely from the high fat food and that I'm getting older. I also reminded myself that I have a check-up scheduled at the Cancer Centre in mid-November. I didn't let anyone in on my thoughts as it is Thanksgiving and no sense in worrying anyone else at this point. I dismissed my thoughts and came back into the moment with my family. What an enjoyable weekend it was! I was happy to see my children laughing together like they used to when they were younger. They were truly happy to see each other again.
The week that my son was home flew by much too quickly. We had a wonderful visit with our friends from PEI who were in the area visiting family. We had our friends over for dinner and combined my son's request for steak during his time home with our friends' visit. They were so happy to see our children who were both home that evening. Time went by much too quickly which is why I'm trying to be present fully in the moment most of the time and not be distracted by what chores are waiting for me or activities are coming up in the immediate future. If we are not fully present in the moment, we miss so much of the joy of living. A wink or a fleeting smile are gone in a moment and if I'm not fully present, I miss it. It can't be brought back or repeated. By the end of the week, my son had to return to his new home at university. He referred to it as home which means he has fully settled in. We were not able to drive him back this time so he took the bus. He left at 10:30 a.m. and arrived just before 4 p.m.
That same Saturday (Oct. 19) my husband and I attended a black tie fundraiser. I was very anxious about this because it is something where I'm totally out of my element and comfort zone. I do not own "formal" clothing and had to get myself a long ball gown. I had tried on some of the current fashions which are the short, tightfitting sheaths that look fabulous on young teens. It was an exercise of futility and frustration. I do have to say that my sense of humour kicked in. At one point, I tried on this dress that looked wonderful on the hanger. It was gold and full of sequins. It had lots of ruching from the bodice down to the hips. The sales assistant thought that it might work for my body type. I tried it on. When I looked in the mirror, I looked like a sausage that has been stuffed into its casing by an inexperienced butcher. There were lumps and bumps all over the place and the dress certainly did not look like it did on the hanger!! Obviously, this style was not for me at all. Unfortunately, the store did not have anything longer or in an A-line shape. I eventually found a long ball gown and accessorized it with some of my own jewelry as well as some borrowed from a very good friend. My husband rented a tux and off we went. I have lots of insecurities which generally only my husband is privy to see. I was a bundle of nerves as we went off to the event. I ended up having a good time. I truly believe that God steps in and helps us out even when we don't ask. I saw some beautiful gowns that I would love to have had. Oops, the green-eyed envy monster was making an appearance. I was feeling out of place and very insecure when a friend of mine saw me in passing and mentioned that she couldn't wait to get home and back into her "jammies" that were laid on the bed. This snippet of conversation just made me relax. Other people were there that were uncomfortable too! My husband and I browsed through the silent auction items and then went to our assigned seating at the table for dinner. I was seated beside a young women in Grade 12. She was very nervous and out of her element as well. We had a very nice evening chatting together as she took notes in order to write a journalistic piece for an upcoming edition of the local newspaper. The Lord provided me with people such as myself in order to help me get through the evening and actually enjoy myself!
In the last month, I've also gone out on a couple of excursions with my husband on the back of his motorcycle. As mentioned at the beginning of this post, I chose to go out for a ride on Thanksgiving Monday instead of raking leaves and cleaning up my flowerbeds for the upcoming winter. We drove north in order to see the autumn coloured leaves. Unfortunately, the leaves were just getting finished their brilliant show of colour but there were still hints of the reds and oranges that had graced the landscape in the last week. We ended up stopping to stretch our legs and wander around in a little place called Newboro which is on the Rideau Canal waterway system. The Newboro Lock was closed for the season but we were still able to wander the grounds and take some pictures.
Hooray!! My attempt to upload a picture into my blog worked!! You see, as I've blogged since January 2012, I've never known how to put pictures into the blog. I have a friend who writes a wonderfully uplifting blog and she always inputs pictures into her blog. So I was aware it could be done but I was afraid to try as I'm not that sure of my technological ability. Anyway back to our bike ride....we got back on the bike after this visit to Newboro and continued on our way home to turkey dinner leftovers. It was a beautiful day!
The day after the black tie fundraiser, my husband and I were very tired. It was a sunny day so we decided to take advantage of the weather and go for another tour on the bike. This time we decided to go north west of where we live. Somehow we took a wrong turn but took pleasure in the scenery of the country roads that we travelled through. At one point, we were literally in the middle of nowhere. There were no houses or farms or signs of human existence. There was just woods, water and a narrow winding road. I reminded my husband that he always wanted to just hit the open road and go where the road took him. We did end up connecting with the highway we originally intended to take and discovered a lake and little park with wonderful views.
We continued north and we were both starting to feel the cold, biting wind. Our day excursions on the bike will be limited if this is not the last one of the season. However, the views on the ride were spectacular and our travels brought us to one of our favourite villages north of where we live. My husband parked the bike and we climbed stiffly off. We set out for a walk through the village in an effort to get our legs moving. This was when I was starting to feel my age. We went into a shop and bought ourselves some coffees to go. We continued our stroll and walked down to the marina and waterfront. We've never ventured down into this area of the village. We've always just strolled on by. What a wonderful surprise!! I'm so glad we explored the marina. I took many pictures that day. The water was very, very calm and I took a picture through some grass at the side of the lake. Someday, I'm hoping I'll be able to recreate this picture as a painting. It's hard to believe that I'm looking at water and not the sky!
We climbed back on the bike and headed for home. About halfway home, I looked to my left and I saw a small doe (female deer) nibbling on some long grass beside the woods. Just think, if I had made the choice to do chores or outdoor work, I would have missed out on these glorious views and memories that were created with my husband. Just another example of what I've learned from my bout of lymphoma and my continued remission. Do I still have worries and anxieties? Yes I do. I've been experiencing breathlessness again but it may be from having gained too much weight. Certainly, these photos caused some breathlessness just because of their beauty. I will continue to enjoy my current moments in my life and will deal with the anxieties at my next check-up. I'm still using my mantra of "One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time".
I've been continuing to teach piano and have been still trying to sing. I've started practising with my church choir again but I am more of a body than a section leader like I once used to be. I used to sing soprano and now I sing tenor or if I'm having a good day, I can sing alto. My throat still gets sore and swells after too much singing so I have to sing lightly and limit the length of time that I am at practice. I'm still grieving the loss of my singing voice. I'm mentally working on trying to get past what I used to be able to do. I used to be able to sing so well that I would bring tears to people's eyes and I could worship my God in full glory. Now my voice is just a small whisper of what it used to be. I had hoped that the voice would come back but I'm beginning to accept that this is as good as it gets. Most of the time, I'm in a good headspace regarding my singing but occasionally, I am surprised with a bout of tears and sadness as I remember what I used to sound like. When my daughter was confirmed in June 2011, I sang "The Prayer" as a duet at the service. It was very emotional and I've heard the recording from that service. It was an absolute gift to my God but also to my daughter. I have mixed emotions because it was the last time that I sang so well. Anyway, I mention all this because these are the thoughts and feelings that surround my attempt to return to the choir. I will continue to try to sing in church as I believe that God can still use my attempts to sing to His/Her glory.
On Oct. 11, I drove 10 hours (round trip) to pick my son up from university and bring him home for Thanksgiving and his October reading week. What a joy it was to arrive at his residence, open up my door, climb out and find myself enfolded in his big hug! My thoughts were "He missed me!!!" Oh how I missed him. After arriving home, we went directly to the local OHL hockey game and enjoyed time with my husband and our friend. I loved Thanksgiving. I was feeling so thankful for being alive. I remember feeling that way last year too. I'm not sure that this feeling of thankfulness will ever leave. My daughter had to work so we delayed our Thanksgiving dinner until after she returned home. What a nice day and evening meal it was. We had our turkey, my homemade cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes with gravy, stuffing, corn kernels and a turnip casserole. Dessert topped off the meal with my homemade pumpkin pie and apple pie. It was so good but we were very full. I have always been able to eat these kinds of meals and feel just fine. This year, I was experiencing heart burn and acid reflux after the meal. In my thoughts, I was anxious as this can be a symptom of the lymphoma returning in my abdomen. I've also been experiencing more night sweats again and have been feeling tired and dragging which are also lymphoma symptoms. I then had a silent conversation with myself reassuring me that it is most likely from the high fat food and that I'm getting older. I also reminded myself that I have a check-up scheduled at the Cancer Centre in mid-November. I didn't let anyone in on my thoughts as it is Thanksgiving and no sense in worrying anyone else at this point. I dismissed my thoughts and came back into the moment with my family. What an enjoyable weekend it was! I was happy to see my children laughing together like they used to when they were younger. They were truly happy to see each other again.
The week that my son was home flew by much too quickly. We had a wonderful visit with our friends from PEI who were in the area visiting family. We had our friends over for dinner and combined my son's request for steak during his time home with our friends' visit. They were so happy to see our children who were both home that evening. Time went by much too quickly which is why I'm trying to be present fully in the moment most of the time and not be distracted by what chores are waiting for me or activities are coming up in the immediate future. If we are not fully present in the moment, we miss so much of the joy of living. A wink or a fleeting smile are gone in a moment and if I'm not fully present, I miss it. It can't be brought back or repeated. By the end of the week, my son had to return to his new home at university. He referred to it as home which means he has fully settled in. We were not able to drive him back this time so he took the bus. He left at 10:30 a.m. and arrived just before 4 p.m.
That same Saturday (Oct. 19) my husband and I attended a black tie fundraiser. I was very anxious about this because it is something where I'm totally out of my element and comfort zone. I do not own "formal" clothing and had to get myself a long ball gown. I had tried on some of the current fashions which are the short, tightfitting sheaths that look fabulous on young teens. It was an exercise of futility and frustration. I do have to say that my sense of humour kicked in. At one point, I tried on this dress that looked wonderful on the hanger. It was gold and full of sequins. It had lots of ruching from the bodice down to the hips. The sales assistant thought that it might work for my body type. I tried it on. When I looked in the mirror, I looked like a sausage that has been stuffed into its casing by an inexperienced butcher. There were lumps and bumps all over the place and the dress certainly did not look like it did on the hanger!! Obviously, this style was not for me at all. Unfortunately, the store did not have anything longer or in an A-line shape. I eventually found a long ball gown and accessorized it with some of my own jewelry as well as some borrowed from a very good friend. My husband rented a tux and off we went. I have lots of insecurities which generally only my husband is privy to see. I was a bundle of nerves as we went off to the event. I ended up having a good time. I truly believe that God steps in and helps us out even when we don't ask. I saw some beautiful gowns that I would love to have had. Oops, the green-eyed envy monster was making an appearance. I was feeling out of place and very insecure when a friend of mine saw me in passing and mentioned that she couldn't wait to get home and back into her "jammies" that were laid on the bed. This snippet of conversation just made me relax. Other people were there that were uncomfortable too! My husband and I browsed through the silent auction items and then went to our assigned seating at the table for dinner. I was seated beside a young women in Grade 12. She was very nervous and out of her element as well. We had a very nice evening chatting together as she took notes in order to write a journalistic piece for an upcoming edition of the local newspaper. The Lord provided me with people such as myself in order to help me get through the evening and actually enjoy myself!
In the last month, I've also gone out on a couple of excursions with my husband on the back of his motorcycle. As mentioned at the beginning of this post, I chose to go out for a ride on Thanksgiving Monday instead of raking leaves and cleaning up my flowerbeds for the upcoming winter. We drove north in order to see the autumn coloured leaves. Unfortunately, the leaves were just getting finished their brilliant show of colour but there were still hints of the reds and oranges that had graced the landscape in the last week. We ended up stopping to stretch our legs and wander around in a little place called Newboro which is on the Rideau Canal waterway system. The Newboro Lock was closed for the season but we were still able to wander the grounds and take some pictures.
Hooray!! My attempt to upload a picture into my blog worked!! You see, as I've blogged since January 2012, I've never known how to put pictures into the blog. I have a friend who writes a wonderfully uplifting blog and she always inputs pictures into her blog. So I was aware it could be done but I was afraid to try as I'm not that sure of my technological ability. Anyway back to our bike ride....we got back on the bike after this visit to Newboro and continued on our way home to turkey dinner leftovers. It was a beautiful day!
The day after the black tie fundraiser, my husband and I were very tired. It was a sunny day so we decided to take advantage of the weather and go for another tour on the bike. This time we decided to go north west of where we live. Somehow we took a wrong turn but took pleasure in the scenery of the country roads that we travelled through. At one point, we were literally in the middle of nowhere. There were no houses or farms or signs of human existence. There was just woods, water and a narrow winding road. I reminded my husband that he always wanted to just hit the open road and go where the road took him. We did end up connecting with the highway we originally intended to take and discovered a lake and little park with wonderful views.
We continued north and we were both starting to feel the cold, biting wind. Our day excursions on the bike will be limited if this is not the last one of the season. However, the views on the ride were spectacular and our travels brought us to one of our favourite villages north of where we live. My husband parked the bike and we climbed stiffly off. We set out for a walk through the village in an effort to get our legs moving. This was when I was starting to feel my age. We went into a shop and bought ourselves some coffees to go. We continued our stroll and walked down to the marina and waterfront. We've never ventured down into this area of the village. We've always just strolled on by. What a wonderful surprise!! I'm so glad we explored the marina. I took many pictures that day. The water was very, very calm and I took a picture through some grass at the side of the lake. Someday, I'm hoping I'll be able to recreate this picture as a painting. It's hard to believe that I'm looking at water and not the sky!
We climbed back on the bike and headed for home. About halfway home, I looked to my left and I saw a small doe (female deer) nibbling on some long grass beside the woods. Just think, if I had made the choice to do chores or outdoor work, I would have missed out on these glorious views and memories that were created with my husband. Just another example of what I've learned from my bout of lymphoma and my continued remission. Do I still have worries and anxieties? Yes I do. I've been experiencing breathlessness again but it may be from having gained too much weight. Certainly, these photos caused some breathlessness just because of their beauty. I will continue to enjoy my current moments in my life and will deal with the anxieties at my next check-up. I'm still using my mantra of "One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time".
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Life's Perspective...It's All How You Look At It
As always, I've been too busy living to blog regularly. I grab a few moments here and there to write in the blog. Perspective....it's all how we approach things. I could complain that life is too busy and I'm constantly running here and there. But by complaining, I would actually be detaching myself from enjoying each and every small moment. I sent my son off to university and then I've started my teaching year. I have a few less students at the moment, but I'm alright with that. I could complain but instead I'm looking at the extra time that I can work in my garden or learn some new skills. I have plans for that extra time. I'm not going to fill it just for the sake of being busy, but I'm hoping to learn how to sew a quilt. I'm also using some of that extra time to take a creative writing course online. I would also like to return to learning how to paint on canvas. Over 20 years ago, I took some oil painting classes and I enjoyed it. I liked the paintings that I created. As I've raised my children, I haven't had the time to paint and perhaps now may be the time. I look at how my time gets filled and revel in the experiences.
Perspective....it would be so easy to miss a breathless moment as we turn away or grumble about our existence. I even enjoy the mundane task of hanging laundry on my line outside. Especially at this time of year when the days are shorter and getting cooler, it takes a full day for the laundry to dry on the line. So as I stand on the patio hanging my wet laundry, I listen to the birds and I enjoy the crisp, cool dampness of the morning. I find it a very peaceful way to start my day. There are so many little moments in our days that we miss if we grumble. As I stand on the patio hanging laundry, I could be fretting about how much I have to do that day. I could be so preoccupied with the worries and "lack of time" that I miss the wonderful birds singing and the peaceful calmness of the early morning. I think the one thing that has stuck with me the most since returning to good health, has been the ability to live in the moment fully and enjoy whatever goodness is in that moment. Sometimes it is hard to find that kernel of goodness but it is always there.
Perspective. This past weekend, we were busy travelling and doing things with my daughter. She had an opportunity to be a film "extra" in a movie being made 2 hours from our home. We jumped in the car and made the trip. We spent 11 hours in a room waiting for her to be finished her time on set. I could have used this time to clean and do any other myriad of chores and duties at home. Instead, I decided to enjoy an outing with my husband and daughter. I was able to do some word puzzles that I normally don't have time for and that I enjoy completing. I was able to work on my current homework from my creative writing course. I was able to read a book that I've not had time to pick up. I was able to observe some of what happens behind the scenes in film making. It was an interesting day but it all depended on which perspective I chose to see it. After a long day, the next morning we had to be up and out to take my daughter to a photo shoot. Again, I enjoyed each moment to the fullest. On our way to the photo shoot, I saw a sign that tickled my odd sense of humour and shared a laugh with my husband much to my daughter's disdain. Oh well...that moment of humour has come back to be a private chuckle between my husband and I throughout the last few days amidst our busyness.
I'm not always able to see my days through "rose-coloured glasses", but I do know that I much prefer the days that I wear them. Perspective is a mental exercise that is beneficial to making life full and abundant. I'm constantly reminded of my mantra while I was sick..."One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time". On difficult days and in difficult times, this helps ease the pain and suffering. It can also help flip my perspective to a much happier and fulfilling view.
So let's take on the day and see how our perspective can be flipped to help us enjoy it more.
Perspective....it would be so easy to miss a breathless moment as we turn away or grumble about our existence. I even enjoy the mundane task of hanging laundry on my line outside. Especially at this time of year when the days are shorter and getting cooler, it takes a full day for the laundry to dry on the line. So as I stand on the patio hanging my wet laundry, I listen to the birds and I enjoy the crisp, cool dampness of the morning. I find it a very peaceful way to start my day. There are so many little moments in our days that we miss if we grumble. As I stand on the patio hanging laundry, I could be fretting about how much I have to do that day. I could be so preoccupied with the worries and "lack of time" that I miss the wonderful birds singing and the peaceful calmness of the early morning. I think the one thing that has stuck with me the most since returning to good health, has been the ability to live in the moment fully and enjoy whatever goodness is in that moment. Sometimes it is hard to find that kernel of goodness but it is always there.
Perspective. This past weekend, we were busy travelling and doing things with my daughter. She had an opportunity to be a film "extra" in a movie being made 2 hours from our home. We jumped in the car and made the trip. We spent 11 hours in a room waiting for her to be finished her time on set. I could have used this time to clean and do any other myriad of chores and duties at home. Instead, I decided to enjoy an outing with my husband and daughter. I was able to do some word puzzles that I normally don't have time for and that I enjoy completing. I was able to work on my current homework from my creative writing course. I was able to read a book that I've not had time to pick up. I was able to observe some of what happens behind the scenes in film making. It was an interesting day but it all depended on which perspective I chose to see it. After a long day, the next morning we had to be up and out to take my daughter to a photo shoot. Again, I enjoyed each moment to the fullest. On our way to the photo shoot, I saw a sign that tickled my odd sense of humour and shared a laugh with my husband much to my daughter's disdain. Oh well...that moment of humour has come back to be a private chuckle between my husband and I throughout the last few days amidst our busyness.
I'm not always able to see my days through "rose-coloured glasses", but I do know that I much prefer the days that I wear them. Perspective is a mental exercise that is beneficial to making life full and abundant. I'm constantly reminded of my mantra while I was sick..."One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time". On difficult days and in difficult times, this helps ease the pain and suffering. It can also help flip my perspective to a much happier and fulfilling view.
So let's take on the day and see how our perspective can be flipped to help us enjoy it more.
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