3 Months Old - Post Stem Cell Transplant

I'm officially 3 months old (although I'm actually over 50 years old). Yesterday I went for my first vaccination. I need to have all my infant and childhood vaccinations redone. The stem cell transplant wiped them all out. So yesterday I visited my family doctor for the first vaccination which was Prevnar 13 to help prevent pneumonia. I will have to have 2 more vaccinations. One will be in a month's time and then the next a month after that.

This afternoon, I will be going to my oncologist for a check up and to find out the results of my CT scan. I've not been sleeping well for the last couple of weeks and it is partly due to some buried anxiety regarding my CT scan results. I am normally pretty balanced in handling my anxieties regarding my lymphoma. However, sometimes it becomes too much. So this morning I am struggling with the "what if" questions. What if the 3 lymph nodes in my abdomen haven't shrunk back to normal? What if they are still enlarged? Does this mean that the lymphoma is still alive and active within me? Does this mean I just put in time until it hits again? I'm having night sweats. Is this because the lymphoma is still in me? They are a symptom and sign of lymphoma. Or are the night sweats because my hubby crowds me and sends of heat during the night? Or is it because the house is too warm at night? Or is it just hormones and menopause? So I secretly worry and try to keep busy and productive. If I keep my mind occupied then I can't worry....until the middle of the night when my mind gets busy with the "what ifs".

On a positive note, I tell myself that I'm getting stronger and my stamina is getting better as long as I have a full night's sleep. Yesterday we had snow and I was able to shovel the whole driveway as well as what the snow plow pushed into the end of our driveway. I still don't shovel as fast as I used to but a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't able to shovel the whole driveway in one attempt. I was having to shovel a quarter of the driveway each time I went out. So there's improvement. Then I tell myself that there would not be improvement if the lymphoma was still within me. Right?  I know that I can walk more briskly and for longer periods of time. Again, there's improvement and I feel stronger each week. Surely, this must be a sign that the lymphoma isn't still here. Or is it?

This is what I struggle with mentally each day and each week. As I approach the times for check ups with my oncologist or the stem cell unit, I get anxious. I'm afraid of what the results of my CT scan or blood tests will show. The fear leading up to the appointments could be debilitating if I let it. So I have internal conversations and pep talks with myself to pull me out of the downward spiral of fear. I pray. I ask for reassurance from God which comes in the form of random bible passages that I will find. I share my fears with my husband and then discover that he has the same fears but doesn't want to burden me with them. If I dwell on the negativity of fear, then I can easily fall into the negativity of bitterness and feeling sorry for myself. I start to have thoughts of "It's not fair to have lymphoma twice!" or "I live a healthy lifestyle and don't eat lots of junk. It's not fair!"

It doesn't help to dwell and live in those mental spaces. So I knit my socks for friends and family. I do my Sudoku puzzles to keep my mind occupied. I colour in the adult colouring books that friends and family have given me. I do all this to keep my mind from dwelling on "what if....." I make plans to visit with friends in order to keep myself occupied. Then I wonder am I only putting in time? Am I only filling my time until the next lymphoma diagnosis?

So this morning as I await the time to leave this afternoon to go to my oncologist appointment at the Cancer Centre, I vacillate between worry and recognizing the progress that I've made week to week.