Family, Travel and "Clouds" on the Horizon

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks because I've been away and seizing each day with both hands. My hubby's uncle was celebrating a milestone birthday in Scotland. Back at the beginning of January, Hubby and I made the decision to go and help him celebrate. The last time we visited family in Scotland was in 2014. It was time to go while I'm having some good health. I continue to have to adjust my energy expectations daily so we planned on visiting Scotland for 1 week only this time. Although we rented a car to get us from Glasgow airport to the Edinburgh area, it was important that this visit was for visiting family that we don't see often enough and less important to do the touristic exploring. So in our planning, our flight left Toronto on February 14 and flew into Glasgow on February 15 (an overnight flight). We rented an apartment near hubby's uncle and aunt and then booked our flight home for February 22.

As I mentioned, all this was planned at the beginning of January. I had my check up with my oncologist on January 31 where all went well. As I posted previously, he was very pleased with my progress. What I didn't share at that time, was that my oncologist called me the day after my check up and wanted me to go for a PET scan to confirm that what looked like a couple of enlarged lymph nodes in my abdomen are just lymph nodes with scar tissue from the chemo and treatments that I had in the fall. These 2 enlarged lymph nodes showed up in my CT scan taken on January 2. The CT scan can not show the cellular components of the lymph nodes but apparently the PET scan does. When my oncologist called me on February 1, he did say the PET scan being scheduled was non-urgent and just for follow up.  I received the phone call from the Ottawa Hospital booking me for my PET scan on February 13. This was the day before we left for Scotland. The Ottawa Hospital wanted me to come in for my PET scan on February 21. I told them I could not do this as I would still be in Scotland. They then booked my PET scan for February 27 (yesterday). I must say that although my oncologist said this was non-urgent and only a follow up, I still was anxious about the test. What would they find? Is the lymphoma still within me? I have no symptoms that I feel. I'm able to gain weight. So maybe the enlarged lymph nodes are just lymph nodes with scar tissue.

With the PET scan booked, Hubby and I decided to go on our visit to Scotland and enjoy each moment fully. However, the upcoming PET scan appointment was like a distant cloud on the horizon. Hubby and I planned rest days that I may or may not need. I did take longer to recover from jet lag than normal. In the past, my body has adjusted to the new time zone (5 hours ahead of our normal time zone) within 2 days. This visit it took me 4 days to recover. When we arrived on February 15, we went to our uncle and aunt's home, where we enjoyed reconnecting, picking up groceries for our apartment and visiting over dinner. February 16 was a rest day which was spent with our uncle and aunt. February 17 was the birthday luncheon and was very enjoyable. I was so happy to be able to attend and help Uncle celebrate. Hubby and I saw people that we hadn't seen since 1991! It was a very enjoyable day.

Each day of our trip, we enjoyed having lunch and dinner with our uncle and aunt. On February 18, Hubby and I decided to look for some geocaches in the morning before walking over to Uncle's place. It was a beautiful sunny day although the breeze off the Firth of Forth was cold on my head due to my thin hair. I must say that I am going without head coverings now and I am comfortable with that. However, with the cold breeze off the water, I did have my toque which I was wearing to keep my head warm when needed. To continue, Hubby and I spent many minutes trying to find the geocache called "St. David's Harbour". We finally gave up on that one and went on to the next geocache on our way to Uncle's home. We found it and then made the walk up the steep hill to his house. I was unable to make the climb all in one shot and made Hubby stop half way up the street so I could catch my breath and rest. We continued our climb after a brief rest and I managed to breath normally by the time we reached Uncle and Aunt's home. I did not want to worry them with having me arrive on their doorstep heaving with each breath. I truly love my hubby's uncle and aunt and it was a delightful and warm visit every day we saw them.

On Monday, February 19, Hubby and I took the train into Edinburgh for the day. We always do this when we visit Scotland and we always treat ourselves to a pub lunch while we are there. Our plan was to do some geocaching while in Edinburgh, do some shopping and pick up souvenirs for friends at home as well as have our pub lunch. We also always walk The Royal Mile and visit our favourite whisky store. We spent our morning in Edinburgh searching out the geocaches that we had planned to find. I can say we were 100% successful in finding them. We also visited the Scottish National Art Gallery and thoroughly enjoyed the art. I was feeling tired after that tour, so we stopped in at the Rose Street Brewery for our pub lunch. That last time we were there was in 1991 when we visited on our honeymoon. Hubby did not remember being there but I did. It was confirmed once we came back to Canada and I found my travel diary from 1991. Anyway, I enjoyed my haggis, neeps and tatties along with a lager (Tennants) shandy. Hubby and I enjoyed our lunch as we had a window seat overlooking Rose Street and we could people watch. This also gave me a chance to rest. Once we were finished our lunch, we decided to make our way to the top of The Royal Mile at Edinburgh Castle. To get there, you have climb a steep set of steps in an alley that leads you to The Royal Mile. Again, I had to stop part way up as I started to feel unwell and needed to catch my breath and rest. We've been through the Castle a few times before so we did not go into the castle but enjoyed the views of Edinburgh from the parade square outside the castle. After taking our pictures, we started the walk along The Royal Mile. We stopped in at one of the many Woolen stores where I bought a scarf for a friend and also one for Hubby that was his hunting tartan rather than the dress tartan. We continued our walk along The Royal Mile and visited The Royal Whiskies store where we each bought a bottle of scotch to enjoy back in Canada. While in the whisky store, I started to feel unwell. The steps leading to The Royal Mile had taken their toll. I had to listen to my body and after our purchases, we had to return to the train and head back to our apartment. I was very disappointed to not make it down and then back up The Royal Mile. It is an original cobblestone street that runs from Edinburgh Castle down the hill to Holyrood Castle which is where Queen Elizabeth still stays when she visits Edinburgh. Oh well....I guess we've done the trek before and I just was not well enough to do it this time. It was disappointing that we had to leave Edinburgh in the late afternoon because we had hoped to catch a concert that we saw was going to take place that evening. We spent a quiet evening in our apartment and I was in bed early that night.

I awoke on Tuesday, February 20 feeling refreshed and healthy. Hubby and I went out to do some geocaching and enjoy a hike along part of the Fife Coastal Path. We walked west to Inverkeithing to find geocaches. We found all the ones on our list except for one. We were also going to take another trail leading off the Fife Coast Path to look for a series of geocaches but the trail was too wet and muddy. It was a steep climb up the rocky hill and we started up the trail but quickly decided it was too slippery and dangerous to follow at this time of year. Next time we are visiting in dry weather (summer), we will attempt that series of caches. We returned to the Fife Coastal Trail and headed east this time. On this morning of geocaching, we finally found the elusive "St. David's Harbour". This was the cache we had tried to find on an earlier day. Hubby and I continued east along the Fife Coastal Path and went for our final geocache of the trip. This was located in place that we had visited with our children in 2005. It involves a steep climb up a rocky hill. Hubby had to lend me a hand to get up there. The views are fantastic but so is the history. The steep, rocky path leads to a World War 2 gun mount (battlement) that was part of a series of mounts that was used to protect the Firth of Forth from German invasion as further in on the Firth of Forth is the Rosyth Boatyards that to this day continues to build and repair ships. In fact, on our train trip into Edinburgh we were able to see an aircraft carrier at the Rosyth Shipyards. I found the geocache at the battlement site and then Hubby and I continued our hike along the top of the rocks to a point where there was an old naval navigational post. Again, we had made this trek with our children in 2005. This time, the tide was out but in 2005 the tide had been in and our daughter had been communicating with a seal out in the water. Memories are such a wonderful thing! After taking many pictures of the stunning views, Huby and I continued back the way we had hiked and rejoined the Fife Coastal Path briefly before leaving it and making our way to Uncle's home where we enjoyed lunch, visiting and some supper. When we left to walk back to our apartment, the night view of the Forth Rail Bridge fully lit was spectacular. The tide was in and I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the water lap just below us as we walked along the path to our apartment. The sky was so clear that the stars were very visible. The night was warm and Hubby and I enjoyed a leisurely walk to our apartment.

On our last full day in Scotland, Hubby and I decided to head back into Edinburgh for the morning. Because I had not been well and we cut short our visit to Edinburgh, we were not able to finish all our souvenir shopping. So we took the train back in and did our shopping at the Waverley Centre. After finishing our shopping, we headed to Rose Street again to enjoy a small pub lunch. This time we went to Milnes Bar. I again had a shandy with my haggis pie. This was like a shepherds pie but was layered with the haggis, then neeps (mashed turnip) and tatties (mashed potatoes). It came with a whisky sauce (gravy) which was very good as well. We then returned to Waverley Station and took the train back. There had not been enough parking at the station, so we had to park further away and walk from the train station to our car. It was a warm sunny day and the fresh air felt good. We returned to our apartment and then walked to Uncle's home to visit and enjoy our last evening with them. After our Chinese dinner with Uncle and Aunt, we had a short time to visit but then it was time to walk back to the apartment. We needed to get up very early the next morning to drive to Glasgow and catch our flight home. This was a very tearful and emotional good bye (or "until next time") because of our ages and also health challenges. You never know......

Our flight home was good but very long. It was an 8 hour flight. I love Scotland and I always have said that if I was extremely wealthy, I would have a second home there. The visit was great but I have to admit that within me, there was a constant cloud of worry about the upcoming PET scan. The flight home just brought it more to the forefront of my thoughts. I am often able to shove the fear and anxiety away but it has been harder these last couple of weeks. It has taken my body 4 days to recover from the jet lag which means that Monday was my first day of feeling comfortable in this time zone. To help us adjust to the time zone, Hubby and I went to a hockey game on Friday night so that we would be forced to stay up longer. We also had friends celebrating milestone birthdays on Saturday night and we had been invited to attend their birthday celebrations. We had not fully committed to attending until Saturday morning. Hubby and I decided that we would make a short appearance because we wanted to see our friends and help them celebrate. It would also help us to continue to adjust to the time zone. We left the party early but our friends understood.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was my PET scan appointment at The Ottawa Hospital. I had to fast 6 hours in advance. My appointment was at 1:10 p.m. which meant no breakfast or lunch. I was very hungry and very anxious. In the back of my mind throughout the Scotland trip and since we've been home is the worrisome "what ifs". Much as I try to shove them aside and not worry, it is always there. Hubby and I went up to Ottawa. I was finished by 3:30 p.m. and then we went to see our daughter. She knew we were coming and had made reservations for dinner at a place that had live jazz starting at 7 p.m. Our reservation was for 6 p.m. Daughter was lovely and fixed me a sandwich at her apartment when we arrived there at 4 p.m. This helped me get through until our dinner reservation at 6 p.m.  She did let me know that the live jazz was being performed by a gentleman that I have known since elementary school. When he arrived to set up, he recognized us and came by for a very brief hello as he had to get ready to perform. Unfortunately, we had to leave after our meal before he had a break as we still had a 2 hour drive home. I did manage to catch him between songs and say goodbye. It was great to see him again and to enjoy the music he makes.

Again, it was an emotional good bye to our daughter but I can say that we all seized the moments and enjoyed our visit. So as much as I am worried and now have to await the results from the PET scan, I continue to see the importance of seizing each and every moment, wringing the joy and warmth from those moments and making lasting memories. There continues to be a cloud of worry and I recognize that will be with me until my appointment next week with my oncologist where I will know about the results of the PET scan. I have no regrets about going to Scotland. Family is so important and the warmth of memories made get us through these worrisome times.

Cancer Anxiety

It is not often that I have these anxious moments but sometimes they just hit me suddenly. This morning I am full of anxiety and I can't seem to talk myself out of it. Maybe it is my upcoming trip that is adding to an underlying anxiety and has pushed my anxiety level to where I can't ignore it. But my thoughts are full of "what ifs" and causing my stomach to be churning and aching. I know that feeling anxious is a "normal" reaction for cancer patients after they have gone through treatment. Perhaps this is because we are so occupied with going through the treatment and taking it one step at a time that we bury the anxiety. Now that the treatment is finished, the anxiety can come to the surface.

I know I am anxious about the upcoming flight to Scotland. I look different to my passport photo because my hair is just starting to reappear after having lost it. Six years ago, we flew into LAX (the Los Angeles Airport) and the customs officer gave me a hard time about my picture looking different. Again, I was travelling with my hair just coming in. What if the customs officer in Glasgow gives me a hard time? What if they don't accept my passport and allow me into the country?!

This anxiety about the trip has transformed into anxiety about my cancer. What if the lymphoma is still here? What if the tumours start to grow again? What if this is the last time I get to see Scotland and our family there? I know I'm worrying myself into a sickened state this morning. I'm now feeling tired and like I mentioned earlier in this post, my stomach is churning.

I'm also feeling disappointed with myself because I'm letting this anxiety take away the excitement of the trip. I am normally strong and able to get past any anxious times in the past. I'm struggling to smile this morning and feel happy.

I'm posting this because it does help to "verbalize" what I'm feeling and maybe this will let other cancer patients know that it is normal to have full blown anxious moments. My hope is that I will get past these feelings this morning and start to enjoy looking forward to my visit to Scotland and family. Throughout the last 8 months, I've been telling myself, "I will not let cancer steal one more day than it needs to." I need to remind myself of this. I need to constantly tell myself this in these anxious moments. I need to remember to live life to the fullest while I can. In my mind, I have the picture of a closet door with the sign "What Ifs". In the past, I've also opened that imaginary door and thrown the "what ifs" into the closet and slammed the door shut. It is a pretty full closet but for today I will cram the above "what ifs" into the closet and push the door shut with my body in order to close it.

Perhaps it is also time for me to meditate and pray for peace of mind. I'll be spending the rest of the day trying to calm myself down. Breathe deeply, imagine my favourite calm places and pray. I want to be calm and peaceful. I want to enjoy my trip.

100 Day Post Stem Cell Transplant Check Up

My stamina is increasing slowly. I can now string together four busy days although I am still asleep by 9 p.m. when I used to have a bedtime of 10 or 10:30 p.m. I can now shovel the full driveway in one outing rather than in a few attempts. I am able to do all the grocery shopping on my own although I am very tired by the end of it. I'm starting to be able to clean the house but again, it is done in stages as I tire quickly. I am enjoying spending time with hubby's cousin and when we get together, we often go for a brisk walk. They have started to get longer as I get stronger.

On Thursday I had my 100 day post stem cell transplant check up at the Stem Cell Unit. My weight is good. My vital signs are good. As expected after last week's check up, my blood levels are normal. I was told on Thursday that I have no more diet restrictions. Little things in life please me. I am so happy that I can again eat eggs over easy with runny yolks. I can now eat beef that is not well done. I also do not have to visit the Stem Cell Unit again. They are so pleased with my progress and no longer need to see me.

After last week's check up and this week's check up, I can now look forward to a trip to Scotland to visit my hubby's aunt and uncle to join in a milestone birthday celebration with hubby's uncle. I love Scotland and if I was very wealthy, I would have a second home there. I'm excited to visit Scotland again. I love going into Edinburgh and walking The Royal Mile. A visit to The Royal Whisky is always on the agenda whenever we go. When you walk into the store, it is wall to wall Scotch bottles and selections. When in Edinburgh, we definitely will visit it and pick up a bottle of scotch that we can't get in Canada. There are always numerous pubs that are always a nice place to rest as The Royal Mile is a long steep climb. But most importantly about visiting Scotland is spending time with our aunt and uncle. So the planning is happening and a trip is in the near future.

Hubby and I have been discussing our upcoming trip and realize that we will have to build in rest days for me. Part of me wants to just go for it and do a lot while there. I can always rest on the return home. However, I also know that when I get overtired, I start to feel ill. So rest days will have to be planned on and most activities will be based on how I feel each day.

Each and every day, I must still listen to my body and be patient with myself. Patience is not one of my strong points. I want to get up and go. I want my energy back. But as my oncologist pointed out last week, I still have another 3 months of progress before I will be at my "new normal". In other words, I may not get all my energy back. In the meantime, I will continue to try to do what I can. I want to get back into geocaching. I want to be able to walk many kilometres in one outing. I'm not there yet but hopefully will be within the next few months. For today, I'm feeling very tired both mentally and physically. This is probably because I've had three full days of activities. Again, I must be patient with myself. Sigh........

3 Month Check Up and Worry

Oh what we do to ourselves by worrying! What a useless waste of energy! I know this and I still worried yesterday. While waiting in the waiting room, I was full of nervous energy. Either my fingers or hands or legs were tapping unendingly. I just could not settle as I awaited my appointment and the results of the January CT scan and yesterday's blood work.

Finally I saw my doctor. He was full of smiles and good news. He's very pleased with the CT scan. Although the 3 lymph nodes are still slightly enlarged he was encouraging. The enlarged lymph nodes could just be scar tissue or there could be lymphoma still there. He can't say for sure. So we take a wait and see approach. However, my blood work is all in the normal range. After asking me about my energy and activity levels, he again was full of smiles and reassurance. He's very pleased with where I'm at. When I mentioned that I get impatient with myself and unhappy with what I can't do, he smiled and said that I have to realize that I'm still in recovery mode and that I need to realize that it will take another 3 months of progress before I level off to the "new normal". I mentioned to him that I do not accept the status quo and that each day or week I want to do more. I want to be stronger. I want to be active longer and have less rest days. I want to get back to the energy I had before this last bout of lymphoma. I get impatient when I have to rest a full day or two after brisk activity. My hubby was smirking as he is the one to witness my attempts to push the limits. My doctor's response was that my determination and positive attitude will make the difference to how well I recover and may help keep the lymphoma in remission longer.

Overall, he is very pleased with me and it was reassuring to me to see him smile at the appointment. As I left the appointment, I had a smile on my face that I couldn't erase. I felt like a load was lifted off my shoulders. I felt happy and relieved. So onwards and upwards I continue to go. It snowed yesterday so today after I meet with some friends to do some singing, I will come home and shovel the driveway. It's is heavier snow so I'll see whether I can shovel the full driveway before having to rest. I have all afternoon to work at it.

Since I'm not working, my new job is to work on getting stronger each and every day. Walk, shovel, clean, cook or whatever can keep me moving and getting stronger.