Cancer Anxiety

It is not often that I have these anxious moments but sometimes they just hit me suddenly. This morning I am full of anxiety and I can't seem to talk myself out of it. Maybe it is my upcoming trip that is adding to an underlying anxiety and has pushed my anxiety level to where I can't ignore it. But my thoughts are full of "what ifs" and causing my stomach to be churning and aching. I know that feeling anxious is a "normal" reaction for cancer patients after they have gone through treatment. Perhaps this is because we are so occupied with going through the treatment and taking it one step at a time that we bury the anxiety. Now that the treatment is finished, the anxiety can come to the surface.

I know I am anxious about the upcoming flight to Scotland. I look different to my passport photo because my hair is just starting to reappear after having lost it. Six years ago, we flew into LAX (the Los Angeles Airport) and the customs officer gave me a hard time about my picture looking different. Again, I was travelling with my hair just coming in. What if the customs officer in Glasgow gives me a hard time? What if they don't accept my passport and allow me into the country?!

This anxiety about the trip has transformed into anxiety about my cancer. What if the lymphoma is still here? What if the tumours start to grow again? What if this is the last time I get to see Scotland and our family there? I know I'm worrying myself into a sickened state this morning. I'm now feeling tired and like I mentioned earlier in this post, my stomach is churning.

I'm also feeling disappointed with myself because I'm letting this anxiety take away the excitement of the trip. I am normally strong and able to get past any anxious times in the past. I'm struggling to smile this morning and feel happy.

I'm posting this because it does help to "verbalize" what I'm feeling and maybe this will let other cancer patients know that it is normal to have full blown anxious moments. My hope is that I will get past these feelings this morning and start to enjoy looking forward to my visit to Scotland and family. Throughout the last 8 months, I've been telling myself, "I will not let cancer steal one more day than it needs to." I need to remind myself of this. I need to constantly tell myself this in these anxious moments. I need to remember to live life to the fullest while I can. In my mind, I have the picture of a closet door with the sign "What Ifs". In the past, I've also opened that imaginary door and thrown the "what ifs" into the closet and slammed the door shut. It is a pretty full closet but for today I will cram the above "what ifs" into the closet and push the door shut with my body in order to close it.

Perhaps it is also time for me to meditate and pray for peace of mind. I'll be spending the rest of the day trying to calm myself down. Breathe deeply, imagine my favourite calm places and pray. I want to be calm and peaceful. I want to enjoy my trip.