Usually my frame of mind is pretty good while I wait for appointments, CT scans, results, spots to grow bigger, etc. My life is full of waiting at the moment. Although I'm looking forward to the milestone of my son's university graduation this week, I have had some negative emotions the last couple of days. I think it is because I just want to be healthy and be finished with the uncertainty of where my health is going to go. Anyway, I'm very grumpy today. I can't even stand myself! This is the kind of day that I just want to be on a deserted island and be left alone. My emotions started to head this way yesterday. I don't know why.
I've enjoyed working in my garden and there's still lots to do. I'm liking having my son home for the summer. I like going out on the motorcycle. I enjoy spending time with my friends and family....until I get in a funk like this. Is this anger due to me being bored? Is this anger due to the unfairness of an incurable type of lymphoma? Is it frustration that I'm not able to work? Is it the rut of no matter how often you clean and tidy, there's always more to do? I don't know.
So today is a day that is written off. I'll wallow in my funk for today. I'll go for my chest CT scan tomorrow and get ready for the graduation this week.
Cancer causes a mix of highs and lows. High and positive emotion when you realize that a treatment worked. The deep disappointment of finding out a treatment didn't work. The anger and sadness of the incessant worry of what is growing inside your body. Normally I can deal with this and live life in the moment and enjoy life. Today is not one of those days. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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