Feeling Down

 Today I am in the doldrums. Perhaps it is because I have been fighting a cold since Sunday. Perhaps it is because of the time of year and the fact that the pandemic is going to affect the tradition of seeing my children return home for the Christmas celebration which is very, very important to me. Christmas is my favourite time of the year. It isn't just the trappings of the tree, tinsel, gifts, decorations, baking, family, friends and Santa Claus. To me Christmas is the sincere and heartfelt celebration of the arrival of Jesus. I love the music and the anticipation of celebrating his arrival and although I can still feel this even in the pandemic, I'm also missing teaching my music students their Christmas songs. This revelation took me by surprise this morning as I reflected on why I was feeling down.

You see, my lymphoma has stolen my teaching from me. I haven't taught any students since June 2017. You think I would be used to this by now. This is the first Christmas that I'm really missing the activity of teaching my students their Christmas songs. I figure this is because of covid-19 and the lack of seeing family and friends as I normally would at this time of year. It is also 9 years ago at this time that I started recognizing something was very wrong with me and I started my lymphoma journey with the first visit to my family doctor. It is also poignant for me this year especially as I have several friends and acquaintances who are in the midst of either starting their own ill health journey or are in the midst of it. I remember several years ago reading about how it is normal for cancer survivors to feel the blues around the anniversary of diagnostic dates. I guess it is considered a form of PTSD which I always felt was reserved for the members of the military.

So today is blues kind of day. I believe it is a combination of both of the above....the specter of lymphoma and ill health as well as the specter of not having a normal Christmas. Normally, I would be singing in my church choir each week and preparing anthems for the Advent season as well as for Christmas Eve. I am fortunate that my choir is able to practise in a socially distanced format but it isn't the same.

In order to lift my spirits this morning, I watched a Hallmark Christmas movie, played and sang some Christmas music on the piano and I talked to Hubby about how I'm feeling today. I can't change my friends and acquaintances health journeys but I can pray for them as I also pray for myself. I am going to do some more Christmas baking today and add it to the collection I have already baked and is sitting in the freezer. I guess the worst case scenario will have me making up care packages to send to those I wish I could spend time with during the Advent and Christmas season. I am going to try to lift my spirits by putting up my Christmas decorations today while I have my favourite Christmas music playing in the background.

I am responsible for my own happiness. I can pray to God to help me be more positive and help lift me out of the doldrums today. The Christmas music is like a balm to my soul. It brings back memories of being pregnant with my daughter throughout the Christmas season of 1997. I developed a deeper affinity with the carol "Away in a Manger" that year and it continues to be a favourite that reaches deep inside me every year. "Silent Night" is another one along with "O Holy Night". So I will listen to these as I do my baking today and I may even make time to sing them while playing the piano. A balm for my troubled soul today and perhaps throughout this very different Christmas season of 2020.