Saturday, 21 April 2012

Day 17 - 5th Chemo Cycle - "Surprise!!"

This morning I woke up with a massive night sweat at 5 a.m.  I was so hot and drenched that I got up so that my sheets could dry and air out.  I played some card games on the computer for a couple of hours and then got tired again.  I headed back to bed about 7 a.m.  I intended to just rest for a bit.  The next thing I knew, my husband was shaking me awake to make sure I was not ill.  It was 10 a.m.  I was still feeling bone tired but I got up and sat around in my housecoat.  I had a cup of coffee and was reading the paper when our doorbell rang.  I thought it was representatives from the local Kingdom Hall or the Mormans.  I let my husband answer the door.  The next thing I knew, a very good friend from PEI (a 15 hour drive) was coming up the stairs into the living room!!  What a wonderful surprise!!!!

We had a 2 hour visit filled with tears, laughter and heartfelt love.  She and my husband had been in contact and arranged for this visit.  I had no clue!  What a wonderful way to start my day.  What a great lift to my spirits.  I had been a little down because after a conversation late yesterday, I had been struggling with the possibility that my chemotherapy may not work and I could be facing death in 6 months time.  My friend's visit came at a most opportune time.  I consider this another Godcidence because I was struggling emotionally a little bit this morning.

After my friend left, I took it easy as we also had plans to have a couple that we are very good friends with over for the afternoon and evening.  I haven't seen them since before I started chemotherapy.  Everyone who sees me all make the same comment about how well I look.  I still look healthy because I still have pink cheeks.

Our friends had been on vacation in Florida a couple of weeks ago and it was really nice to live vicariously through them as they relived their trip for us.  We visited and watched NHL hockey.  We visited and ate a fulfilling meal of lasagna, caesar salad and cake for dessert.  We continued our visiting while we watched the evening edition of the NHL.  Time flew by and before I was ready, they had to leave to go home.  What a great day this was even though I was very tired when it first started.

I'm still struggling with the possibility that the lymphoma could return or that it is still in me.  I would truly like to believe it is gone and that I have beaten this thing.  My fear is that it could return within 6 months time.  When I see my doctor on Wednesday for my check up, I'll be asking him what sort of things I need to watch out for.  My fear is that cancer could start growing inside me again and I won't know about it.  I don't want to become a hypochondriac, but I want to know what to watch for and when should I be running to the doctor.  Should I be concerned about constant colds?  Should I be concerned if my voice goes hoarse again?  Could the cancer come back in some other part of my body (not as lymphoma)?  Do I need to be totally educated about all the symptoms of the various types of cancer?  I really don't want to go through chemotherapy ever again.  I can't control this.  What gives me any kind of peace is the belief that I can hand all my worries over to God to handle for me.  And to pray for a remission and cure.  I have a little statue of God's hand holding a small child.  I find comfort in believing I am the small child and I am being held in God's hand for safe keeping.

I have 4 more good days ahead of me before I start my last round of chemotherapy.  I will be ringing the bell to show that I am finished the chemotherapy!  But for now, I want to enjoy my next 4 days.  As with my other cycles, I have very special, warm memories from today to get me through this next cycle.  Imagine, a surprise visitor from PEI!!!!

Friday, 20 April 2012

Day 16 - 5th Chemo Cycle

Finally my body is back to normal and working as it should.  So I should feel great for the next 6 days.

This morning I found it harder to get out of bed.  I was very tired, my muscles were achy from trimming the hedge and for some reason my leg muscles were also very achy.  Perhaps that was from all the bending and carrying the waste from the hedge.  I was so tired this morning that I decided early on that the hedge would get a break from the trimming today.

By 11:30 though, I was feeling much better.  It stopped misting outside and the sun started to shine.  So outside I went to enjoy the great outdoors.  While I was trimming the hedge today, I listened to the various birds singing and enjoyed the warmth of the sun.  It was a beautiful Spring-like day.  I even saw a killdeer flying overhead today.  I normally haven't seen killdeers in the area.  This is the second day in a row that I've seen it flying around.  When we lived in the country over 10 years ago, we used to have a pair of killdeer nest in our yard which was 1 acre large.  I love the sound of the killdeer as it flies around.

I didn't do much trimming of the hedge today because my forearm muscles are achy and tired.  I filled the 2 boxes that I've been using to collect the waste and then I took them to the city's composting site.  After I returned home, I just sat outside on the patio and read a magazine.  After I finished the magazine, I was going to read a book that I've just started, but I got distracted by the birds visiting our bird feeder.  A friend of mine takes amazing pictures of the animals that visit her backyard and I was inspired to attempt this myself.  I managed to capture the male cardinal visiting our feeder.  I snapped pictures of mourning doves, grackles and sparrows.  I tried to capture the droplets of sap dripping from my grapevines.  I could see the fat drop expanding and getting heavier.  I wanted to capture the sunlight glinting off the sap droplet but the pictures didn't capture it quite the way I wanted.  Oh well, I had fun snapping pictures.  I even took a picture of our cat, Frodo, sitting on the patio watching the birds.  He is a timid cat but likes to pretend to be the mighty hunter when he's on the patio.

I have always loved nature and it never fails to make me feel calm and peaceful.  Since being diagnosed with lymphoma, however, I find that nature and the animals that inhabit it are even more fascinating and beautiful.  Everything has more colour than before.  Or maybe I'm just paying more attention.  I am always reminded of a hymn that I first learned in Sunday School as a little girl called "All Things Bright and Beautiful, the Lord God Made Them All".  Everything is bright and beautiful.

My husband took me out for dinner tonight to our favourite pub and I really enjoyed my Harp lager along with my honey garlic chicken wings.  He took me to Dairy Queen for my dessert.  I'm back home now and tired but in a good way.  Today was another great day.  I have a friend coming by shortly to deliver a cake that she made for me today.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many caring friends and family.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Day 15 - 5th Chemo Cycle

Today was a fantastic day!! I woke up early this morning after having a full night's sleep.  A night sweat woke me up at 6:00 a.m.  So up I got and I put in a load of laundry.  Then I made a pot of coffee and brought in the newspaper.  By 8 a.m., the laundry was out on the line, my coffee and breakfast were done, the paper was read and my sudoku puzzle was finished.  I still had lots of energy and felt wonderful.

Our hedge was calling my name, so out I went to give it a hair cut.  The top needs to be trimmed down so that the wood doesn't get so thick we can't trim it in July.  As I was working on the hedge, I realized there are lots of dead wood in there too.  So out it came as I worked.  I filled 2 large cardboard boxes and then took them to the city's composting site.  Now I was tired.  So I rested and had some lunch.

Around mid afternoon, I was full of energy again.  I'm pacing myself and only doing a little bit of work at a time.  So back to the hedge I went.  Next thing I knew, my 2 boxes were full again.  This time I rested by sitting on the patio in the sun.  There were some wispy clouds in the blue sky and I decided to sit back and watch them.  I used to do this when I was a little girl.  I can remember laying on my back on the grass during a hot summer day and I would try to see shapes in the clouds.  This afternoon there weren't that many clouds but I did see a whale and a seal.  I closed my eyes for a bit and enjoyed the warmth of the sun.  When I opened my eyes, there wasn't a cloud in the sky.  Gone were the whale and the seal.

At this point, I realized I had better go back to the city's composting site and then go pick my son up from baseball practice.  We had soup simmering in the slow cooker and when we got home, supper was ready.  After supper a very good friend came by for a visit.  I always enjoy her company and she brought a beautiful bouquet of pale pink tulips.  We had a such a nice visit and it filled my heart with warmth.

Throughout this whole journey, my philosphy of life has been affirmed.  I have never cared overly much about having lots of material "things".  If you were to look at my home, my style could be described as minimalist.  This is because, in my opinion, the important elements in life are the warm relationships of friends and family.  It is really important to be surrounded by people who exude warm, positive and generous vibes/auras.  If we are surrounded by positive people, then our lives are made richer by knowing them.  I try to limit my contact with negative or perpetually unhappy people as they tend to drain my energy.  This doesn't mean that I don't care when people are suffering.  I do care and I try to make people feel better.  The people I limit my contact with are people who habitually complain but refuse to do anything to change their circumstances.

My body is tired tonight.  I'm feeling some muscles that haven't been used in a while.  They are a little achy but not too much.  It makes me feel so good to accomplish things again.  I really am feeling "normal" again and I love it!  Let's hope this week doesn't go by too quickly.  I want to continue to enjoy my normalcy.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Day 14 - 5th Chemo Cycle

I had more night sweats again last night which interrupted my sleep.  I found I was able to go back to sleep fairly easily.  I think this is because my body was physically tired from working in the garden.  I like being active and especially if it helps me sleep well at night.  Anyway, this morning I was dragging when I woke up.  I was surprised that my muscles weren't sore because I haven't been physically active for the last 4 months.  So my plans of working on the hedge today were postponed.  I laundered all the bedding for my family which sapped my energy.  I hung it outside so that we all have nice fresh smelling bedding to sleep in tonight.

This afternoon a very good friend came by for a cup of tea and a visit.  As always, I enjoyed our time together and it went by much too quickly.  I'm tired tonight.  I'll have a quiet night of watching the NHL playoffs and the Toronto Blue Jays game.  I'll probably knit my socks while I watch television.  I'm hoping tomorrow I will have more energy again and I can work on the hedge.  It will be an ongoing project which I'll tackle when I'm feeling well and energetic.  As I mentioned to my friend today, I'll trim the top of the hedge because I really want to and not because I "should" do it.

I'm hoping to register my Relay for Life team this coming weekend so those friends who have indicated they want to walk with me need to check their facebook tonight.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Day 13 - 5th Chemo Cycle

I woke up this morning after a glorious night of uninterrupted sleep!  I felt so fresh and full of energy.  It definitely felt like Spring.  I went to the chiropractor this morning for an adjustment as I've been constipated for the last 4 days.  What a shock I got when I stepped from the van to walk to the office.  It was so bright and sunny that I thought it was warm like yesterday.  I definitely did not have a warm enough jacket on to fight the cold wind this morning.

After I got home from my appointment, I put on a thicker hoodie and started working on cleaning up our hedge that I didn't work on in the Fall.  I'll just work a little bit at a time according to what my body and stamina can handle.  I think I'll be taking a slow approach but at the same time taking out some of the dead spots that I normally just leave in place because I'm in a hurry.  So today although I didn't get a lot of area cleaned up, I did get some done and I did remove one dead area.  I got tired and I stopped.  I spent the rest of the afternoon watching television and knitting.

In the late afternoon, a friend dropped by for a visit and a cup of tea.  She also picked up the socks that I have knitted for the shelter.  They are going to homeless shelter for families called "Lily's Place".   I had a great visit with her as she showed me pictures of her recent trip.  The time went by very quickly and before we knew it, she had to leave.

After dinner, another friend came over for a visit.  I had asked her to bring her hair trimmer set as I've had wisps of hair that never fell out.  In preparation for when my hair will start to grow back in, I want it all to start from approximately the same length.  Because I had such very thick hair, not all of it fell out.  I had wisps that were down to my shoulders but not enough to make a tress.  I had some wisps still on the top off my head as well.  So my friend came by and we had a wonderful visit full of laughs as she shaved my head.  Once she was done, we enjoyed a cup of tea as we continued to visit.  Again, the time went by much too quickly.

I'm now tired.  I was glad that I didn't have anymore hot flashes today.  Let's hope that I'm physically tired like last night and I have a full night's sleep.  I'm hoping tomorrow will be another beautiful Spring-like day.  If it is, I'd like to launder all the bedding and hang it out to dry.  Then maybe I can work on the hedge again tomorrow.  Or maybe I'll invite another friend over for a cup of tea.  I'm enjoying not working and being able to spend my day in my gardens.

I have mixed emotions about my next chemotherapy treatment next week.  I really detest going through the treatments now.  So part of me wants to delay the next treatment.  However, part of me wants to just "bring it on" and get it done.  I have a T-shirt that says "Hop to it!"  It also indicates how I feel because this is my last treatment coming up.  Anyway, I just have to enjoy the next 7 days.  Let's hope the weather cooperates and I can spend my time outdoors in my backyard with the sun warming me while I putter away in the yard and listen to the birds singing.

Monday, 16 April 2012

Day 12 - 5th Chemo Cycle

I had good energy today.  I hung out some laundry, did some household financial stuff, started to put together my Relay for Life team and then I did a little bit of gardening.  I cleaned up some of my flowerbeds which didn't get done last Fall or earlier this year.  Then I was very hot, tired and weak.  When I went inside, I realized it was lunch time which may have explained why I felt weak.  I was surprised that I felt so hot.

I had my lunch, checked my emails and then went back outside.  I finished my flowerbeds and even started on some weeding.  There's still lots more weeding to do but at least I got a start on it.  I like working outside in the garden because you get to feel the warmth of the sun beating on your back and at the same time hear the birds chirping and singing away.  Once I was tired, I got very hot again and when I looked in the mirror my face and neck were very red.  I wondered if I had overexerted myself.  I then had to go to an appointment and while I was waiting in the lobby, I again felt myself get very, very hot.  My husband was with me and I asked him if my face was red.  According to him, it was very red.

When we got home we had a delicious supper of meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn and gravy.  A generous lady from my church had called this morning to see if I would be home in the early afternoon for her to drop off a meatloaf as she was making some for her family too.  My son put it in the oven while I was at my appointment and we had supper ready when I got home.  While I was cleaning up from supper, I got very hot again.  I looked in the mirror and again my face and neck were very red.  I realized that I have been experiencing hot flashes all day.  I've only had a couple of them before today.  I get night sweats very often.  So the chemotherapy has pushed my body into menopause.  My doctor warned me that this could happen.  It is irreversible.

I'm tired tonight.  I can feel some muscles aching already which is a good thing.  I had read somewhere that gentle exercise helps cancer patients cope emotionally.  To be honest, I just like being outside and enjoying the fresh air.  When my energy allows, I can't keep myself from puttering around the yard.  I enjoy it and it is relaxing.  We had a couple of rain showers and I was reminded how much I like the smell of fresh rain.  It all brings renewal which seems very appropriate as I head towards my last treatment next Thursday.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Day 11 - 5th Chemo Cycle

Today was a wonderful day but I realize that I don't have the energy to deal with teenage tempers.  It's too bad when that wonderful phase (sarcastically written) of the teenage years affects my ability to sleep and stay stress-free.  Oh well, this is another opportunity to try to learn more patience and learn to ignore bad behaviour.

However, today was an overall great day.  We delayed having our Easter dinner until today so that I could enjoy it.  My taste buds are almost fully returned after this last treatment.  So this morning I had fun making the stuffing.  My husband stuffed the 7 pound chicken, cooked the potatoes and the corn.  I made the gravy and mashed the potatoes while he carved the chicken.  It tasted so good!  I even had a glass of white wine with my meal.  Although, the truth is that it still didn't taste quite the same so my taste buds aren't totally back to normal yet.  We ended with a homemade apple pie that a friend had brought to us back in March.  It was very difficult to save the rest of the pie for dinner tomorrow night.  We were all tempted to have a second piece.

While the chicken was roasting, we  played a family game of euchre and then played a game of dominoes.  I love having family game day!  We haven't had one in years.  Oh yes, early this afternoon, I sat under the umbrella in the rain on our patio with our cat on my lap, watching the birds visit our birdfeeder.  The male house finch visited us for the second day in a row.  He is so beautiful with his red neck and head.  It reminded me today of when house finches and wrens used to visit my grandmother's farmhouse where they would nest in grandma's bird houses near the eaves of her house.  As a little girl, I used to watch them flit in and out in the spring and summer.  I haven't seen a house finch in years, so I'm really pleased to be seeing it so far this year.  Hopefully, he decides to stay in the area for the summer.

I'm tired tonight as my stamina still isn't very good.  But it has been a great day and I am stuffed just like that chicken we had for supper.