Last February, I planted seeds and then watched them sprout and grow into healthy plants. As I have healed and grown stronger, my tomato plants and pepper plants have also grown stronger. We had a very dry summer and my husband took it upon himself to regularly water the tomato plants that I had transplanted into the garden. The symbolism of the plants growing was very important to him. They are now bearing lots of fruit.
Over the last couple of days, I have been excitedly harvesting the ripe tomatoes. Yesterday I made tomato juice and canned it for use later on in the winter. I was very proud of myself for being able to have the stamina to make the juice and can it yesterday afternoon. I was very tired afterwards so I had a short nap because my husband and I were planning on attending a fundraiser last night.
I'm glad I had the nap because it refreshed me enough that we were able to go out and enjoy some of the live music at the memorial benefit concert in memory of Taylor Allan. This was an event to raise money to add to the Taylor Allan memoria bursary that is administered by the Limestone Learning Foundation. The evening also included a live auction and a silent auction. I enjoyed myself but felt myself tiring as the evening went on. When we returned home around 10:30 p.m., I went straight to bed as I'd had a full day.
A couple of days ago, I was hoping that today we'd be able to make a family trip to the Avonmore Berry Farm and go apple picking. I have apples growing in my back yard, but they've been too small and wormy to use for freezing in order to make pies and apple crisp in the winter. Anyway, I wanted to go to Avonmore early this morning, go to my old church and visit with old neighbours and friends as well as go apple picking. I was really looking forward to doing this today. Unfortunately, my body didn't listen to my mind and I slept through until 9 this morning. I struggled to be alert this morning. Finally my husband suggested that we hop on his scooter and drive to our new minister's open house that she was having at her new home this afternoon. This sounded like fun, but I was still tired. He left to go and pick up the items he had won at the silent auction last night. While he was gone, I got myself going but was still dragging. When my husband returned, he suggested that getting out of the house might be just what I needed.
So we hopped on the scooter and enjoyed the 50 minute drive to the open house. We sped past the Bombardier plant where you could see the light rail system and a train that they use for testing purposes. We drove up and down hills and around curves throughout the rural area. Being on the scooter, you get to experience the trip in a very different way than by automobile. As we drove by swampy areas, I could smell the musty vegetation and stale swampy water. As we drove past farms, I could smell the fresh cut hay even before I saw them cutting it. I could also smell cattle and horses as we passed by the various farms. Sometimes I could even smell the unpleasant smell of old roadkill or the odd skunk. Once we arrived at our destination, it was heartwarming to see so many people from the church! They were all so caring and solicitous to both my husband and I. Our minister's husband made fresh scones and they were cut in half. Some scone halves were topped with butter and our minister's homemade strawberry jam or grape jelly while others were topped with clotted cream and the strawberry jam or grape jelly. This was all served with tea or lemonade. It was a wonderful way to spend the afternoon which passed by much too quickly. The scooter ride back home seemed to take less time than on the way there. However, by the time we arrived home, I was very stiff and feeling a little chilled. I have an opportunity to go and watch my husband and son play softball tonight, but I think I will choose to stay home and go to bed early so that I can handle the teaching tomorrow.
I am a little apprehensive about starting teaching tomorrow because I'm not sure how my stamina will hold out. I'm also excited to be returning to teaching. This is another indication of my return to health and moving forward in life. I've travelled through a difficult year and I'm ready to move on. I'm wanting to move forward but every time I look in the mirror, I see myself with my very short hair. It is a constant reminder to me of everything that has happened. Part of me is proud of surviving lymphoma and my image in the mirror reinforces that pride. Another part of me sees that woman in the mirror staring back and it feels like a chain that is holding me back from moving forward. The woman with the short hair (it's too short to do anything with yet) is a constant reminder of everything I want to forget. But...despite it all I'm excited to be finally moving slowly forward in life.
Today has been a great day. I've celebrated my return to health with my church family and I've enjoyed the great outdoors as I've zoomed along as a passenger on my husband's scooter. I'm looking forward to the adventure of this coming week as I see students that I haven't seen since last December.
Sunday, 9 September 2012
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Relationships
My father died of lung cancer when I was almost 27 years old. This was four months before my wedding. The lasting impact of this event was that I recognized life is short. It changed me and made me realize that my relationships with family and friends are more important than worldly, material "things". Our money doesn't comfort us when we've had a bad day. Our possessions won't help us through major life changes. Relationships are extremely important and special. This was reinforced again when my family doctor told me in November of last year that the lump in my neck was either lung cancer, thyroid cancer or lymphoma.
My relationship with my husband has become even stronger and healthier in the last nine months. I love my children so very much but they are teenagers and they are at the stage where they want nothing to do with me. I recognize that this is part of a teenager's attempt to gain independence and grow from a child to an adult. The relationship with my daughter reminds me of the book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. Mr. Munsch describes the teenage years really well. "He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange friends and he wore strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo!" I definitely feel like my teenagers are a different species from myself. What bothers me is that life is short and, as I respect my teenagers' wants of independence and space from me, I am hurting because of the "teenage attitude". I'm trying to understand my children. I give them their space. My fear is that in doing so, they will never return to me. I guess I'm feeling nostalgic for when they were little children and we'd go for walks together, spend time together, play board games together and have fun together. I miss those days and the teenage years are so much different that it hurts. I also recognize that I'm much more sensitive to how brief life can be. It can be taken from us in an instant.
This was reinforced to me again yesterday. I've been spending the last week contacting my students and arranging lessons. Last night I answered the phone and it was the father of a family that I have taught for 10 years. I had a very long conversation with this gentleman. This is another family that has had a health challenge that "blew them out of the water". My chat with this father has echoed with me all evening and into this morning. Literally in an instant, we can be taken from our family. It doesn't matter how fit you are. It doesn't matter how much money you have. Life can be snuffed out immediately. I think of this family and I think of my own situation. Sometimes, we just don't have the luxury of time to wait out the teenage years. This morning, I have a sense of urgency to figuratively shake my children and other teenagers out of their attitudes. "WAKE UP!!" is what I want say. "LIFE IS TOO SHORT!" is what I want to get through to them. It doesn't matter what I say, how I say it or what I do because my teenagers automatically think I'm being critical and combative. I want their attitudes to change. This summer (and it was reinforced with the conversation I had with the father last night) I had and I continue to have a strong sense of motivation to have healthy relationships within my immediate family and also to nurture the relationships with all my friends.
In order to have healthy relationships, I truly believe you need to spend time with the people. I've spent my summer visiting friends and spending time with family. I want to spend time with my daughter. I want to spend time with my son. We recognized that our son wanted to spend as much time with his girlfriend before she went away to post-secondary education. We let him do that. I missed him terribly. We've let our daughter spend time with her friends. We've let both our children have their "alone" time in separate rooms from us. I miss them terribly and I want to spend time with my children! When I walk into a room to see what they're up to, I'm treated with suspicion and indifference. I know that this is regular teenage "stuff" but it still hurts. I'm just so afraid that all this could lead to a permanent chasm in our relationships because we don't spend "good" time together. If the lymphoma ever came back, I'm afraid that my time in life would be shortened considerably and I may not have the luxury to wait until my children outgrow these attitudes. I want healthy, close relationships with my children. I want to be a friend to them. I want to enjoy their presence and I want them to enjoy being with me.
All these anxieties have the capability to eat away at my insides. When I really think about them and identify them, they create stress within me. Throughout my life as I've had major challenges and crises, I have turned to my faith to help me through them. As I write the blog this morning, I recognize that I cannot change my children. They have to change themselves. I can't figuratively bonk them over the head. They have to come to the realization themselves of how important family relationships are. So when things are out of my control, I pray. I am handing over my anxieties and fears about my relationships with my children to God. I will continue to pray for peace and serenity for myself. I will continue to pray that my children will traverse the teenage years safely. I will continue to try to spend time with them. I will continue to give them their space and respect them as individuals. Please God just don't let them take too long to recognize how important family relationship are! As far as my fear of the lymphoma returning, that is being put back in the "What If Closet" in my mind. That door is being shut and locked.
My relationship with my husband has become even stronger and healthier in the last nine months. I love my children so very much but they are teenagers and they are at the stage where they want nothing to do with me. I recognize that this is part of a teenager's attempt to gain independence and grow from a child to an adult. The relationship with my daughter reminds me of the book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. Mr. Munsch describes the teenage years really well. "He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange friends and he wore strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo!" I definitely feel like my teenagers are a different species from myself. What bothers me is that life is short and, as I respect my teenagers' wants of independence and space from me, I am hurting because of the "teenage attitude". I'm trying to understand my children. I give them their space. My fear is that in doing so, they will never return to me. I guess I'm feeling nostalgic for when they were little children and we'd go for walks together, spend time together, play board games together and have fun together. I miss those days and the teenage years are so much different that it hurts. I also recognize that I'm much more sensitive to how brief life can be. It can be taken from us in an instant.
This was reinforced to me again yesterday. I've been spending the last week contacting my students and arranging lessons. Last night I answered the phone and it was the father of a family that I have taught for 10 years. I had a very long conversation with this gentleman. This is another family that has had a health challenge that "blew them out of the water". My chat with this father has echoed with me all evening and into this morning. Literally in an instant, we can be taken from our family. It doesn't matter how fit you are. It doesn't matter how much money you have. Life can be snuffed out immediately. I think of this family and I think of my own situation. Sometimes, we just don't have the luxury of time to wait out the teenage years. This morning, I have a sense of urgency to figuratively shake my children and other teenagers out of their attitudes. "WAKE UP!!" is what I want say. "LIFE IS TOO SHORT!" is what I want to get through to them. It doesn't matter what I say, how I say it or what I do because my teenagers automatically think I'm being critical and combative. I want their attitudes to change. This summer (and it was reinforced with the conversation I had with the father last night) I had and I continue to have a strong sense of motivation to have healthy relationships within my immediate family and also to nurture the relationships with all my friends.
In order to have healthy relationships, I truly believe you need to spend time with the people. I've spent my summer visiting friends and spending time with family. I want to spend time with my daughter. I want to spend time with my son. We recognized that our son wanted to spend as much time with his girlfriend before she went away to post-secondary education. We let him do that. I missed him terribly. We've let our daughter spend time with her friends. We've let both our children have their "alone" time in separate rooms from us. I miss them terribly and I want to spend time with my children! When I walk into a room to see what they're up to, I'm treated with suspicion and indifference. I know that this is regular teenage "stuff" but it still hurts. I'm just so afraid that all this could lead to a permanent chasm in our relationships because we don't spend "good" time together. If the lymphoma ever came back, I'm afraid that my time in life would be shortened considerably and I may not have the luxury to wait until my children outgrow these attitudes. I want healthy, close relationships with my children. I want to be a friend to them. I want to enjoy their presence and I want them to enjoy being with me.
All these anxieties have the capability to eat away at my insides. When I really think about them and identify them, they create stress within me. Throughout my life as I've had major challenges and crises, I have turned to my faith to help me through them. As I write the blog this morning, I recognize that I cannot change my children. They have to change themselves. I can't figuratively bonk them over the head. They have to come to the realization themselves of how important family relationships are. So when things are out of my control, I pray. I am handing over my anxieties and fears about my relationships with my children to God. I will continue to pray for peace and serenity for myself. I will continue to pray that my children will traverse the teenage years safely. I will continue to try to spend time with them. I will continue to give them their space and respect them as individuals. Please God just don't let them take too long to recognize how important family relationship are! As far as my fear of the lymphoma returning, that is being put back in the "What If Closet" in my mind. That door is being shut and locked.
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
Old Fashioned or Just Plain Rude
I'm of an age that I remember when personal computers became available for the regular masses. I probably could have lived without a personal computer because I like to do "old fashioned" activities such as walking for exercise and enjoyment, gardening, playing instruments and singing, visiting with friends over tea or coffee and having daily eye-to-eye contact with my family and friends.
When we bought our first home computer, my husband was very excited and eager to learn to use it both for work and leisure. I also learned to use it for both work and leisure. Not long after having our new computer, I noticed that my husband and I were spending less time together when we were both at home. Due to our work schedules, we often had less than 2 or 3 hours a day together. I started to blame the computer and felt resentment towards this piece of metal that had come into our home. You see, my husband (and I too, I must admit) was choosing to spend time on the computer "playing" and less time "visiting" with me when we were both home. Combined with the fact that when my husband was home but not on the computer, in all honesty, I was also spending time on the new computer instead of having eye-to-eye communication with my husband. Needless to say, we were a young couple and still learning how to live with each other and compromise as husband and wife. I noticed that we were drifting apart as we spent less time talking with each other and more time "playing" on the computer. We eventually worked our way through this distraction and decided to make time for each other.
As our family grew with the addition of children, we used the computer as a teaching tool. Now our children are teenagers and I see the same lack of eye-to-eye contact in our family unit as what plagued my husband and I when we were younger. Now there is not just the personal computer but there are cell phones, IPhones, IPods, Tablets, laptops, etc. The rule in our household is that there are to be no electronic devices at the table while we eat. Then we can be forced to have eye-to-eye communication. Yeah, right! (sigh). Everyone can't get finished their meals fast enough to escape from the table and go back to the electronic devices!
I seem to be very attuned and sensitive to the rudeness of people using their IPhones and cell phones for texting while with other people. It bothers me to no end when my son is so busy texting that he doesn't hear us speak to him in the car when we are on a family trip. The same goes for my daughter when she's got her IPod on with the ear buds in her ears. I have a cell phone and it is a basic pay as you go for emergency use only. I feel totally ignored and undervalued when I'm on the patio with my husband on a warm day or evening and the electronic device comes out because he just has to update his facebook. I think this is very rude and when I mention it to him, he is very willing to put it away. I just think it is common courtesy to keep the electronic devices closed down while you spend time with family and friends. Is it really necessary to update your facebook page every minute of the day for your electronic friends at the expense of ignoring (even momentarily) the flesh and blood friend or family right beside you?! Do I really have to remind you that I'm there beside you?! I have been known to just leave the patio and my presence isn't even missed.
The other day my husband, my daughter and I walked up to the mall to do some shopping. We used to enjoy each others' company when we went on "family" walks and I guess I miss those walks. As an aside, I feel nostalgia for the days when my children were young and we'd go for family walks with the kids riding their bicycles. Anyway, on the way to the mall, my daughter had her IPod in her pocket along with one ear bud in her ear. When I spoke to her, she seemed to not hear me so I mentioned that it was rude to have the ear buds in her ears when she's with people. Her response to me was, "There's only one ear bud in my ear. I can hear you through my other ear." So does this mean she was ignoring me deliberately?! I still don't know and I still think it is very rude. I have been in other situations with friends when we've been visiting and the electronic devices are out and you hear tap, tap, tap while they update Facebook, Twitter, etc with pictures, information or whatever. I strongly feel it is rude. As I mentioned before in regards to my husband, I think that anyone who texts, uploads pictures, follows other people's Facebook pages, Twitter "tweets", etc while they are with me are not only being extremely rude but they are sending me a personal non-verbal message that I am not worthy of their time or full attention!
My children call me old fashioned. I've been told I need to "get with the times". Perhaps I'm too sensitive. Whatever the reason, I think that life is too short to ignore people while you are with them face to face. Does it really hurt to put away the electronic devices for an hour or two while you are with me? It's the end of my rant but maybe it's something we should ponder as we go through our day.
When we bought our first home computer, my husband was very excited and eager to learn to use it both for work and leisure. I also learned to use it for both work and leisure. Not long after having our new computer, I noticed that my husband and I were spending less time together when we were both at home. Due to our work schedules, we often had less than 2 or 3 hours a day together. I started to blame the computer and felt resentment towards this piece of metal that had come into our home. You see, my husband (and I too, I must admit) was choosing to spend time on the computer "playing" and less time "visiting" with me when we were both home. Combined with the fact that when my husband was home but not on the computer, in all honesty, I was also spending time on the new computer instead of having eye-to-eye communication with my husband. Needless to say, we were a young couple and still learning how to live with each other and compromise as husband and wife. I noticed that we were drifting apart as we spent less time talking with each other and more time "playing" on the computer. We eventually worked our way through this distraction and decided to make time for each other.
As our family grew with the addition of children, we used the computer as a teaching tool. Now our children are teenagers and I see the same lack of eye-to-eye contact in our family unit as what plagued my husband and I when we were younger. Now there is not just the personal computer but there are cell phones, IPhones, IPods, Tablets, laptops, etc. The rule in our household is that there are to be no electronic devices at the table while we eat. Then we can be forced to have eye-to-eye communication. Yeah, right! (sigh). Everyone can't get finished their meals fast enough to escape from the table and go back to the electronic devices!
I seem to be very attuned and sensitive to the rudeness of people using their IPhones and cell phones for texting while with other people. It bothers me to no end when my son is so busy texting that he doesn't hear us speak to him in the car when we are on a family trip. The same goes for my daughter when she's got her IPod on with the ear buds in her ears. I have a cell phone and it is a basic pay as you go for emergency use only. I feel totally ignored and undervalued when I'm on the patio with my husband on a warm day or evening and the electronic device comes out because he just has to update his facebook. I think this is very rude and when I mention it to him, he is very willing to put it away. I just think it is common courtesy to keep the electronic devices closed down while you spend time with family and friends. Is it really necessary to update your facebook page every minute of the day for your electronic friends at the expense of ignoring (even momentarily) the flesh and blood friend or family right beside you?! Do I really have to remind you that I'm there beside you?! I have been known to just leave the patio and my presence isn't even missed.
The other day my husband, my daughter and I walked up to the mall to do some shopping. We used to enjoy each others' company when we went on "family" walks and I guess I miss those walks. As an aside, I feel nostalgia for the days when my children were young and we'd go for family walks with the kids riding their bicycles. Anyway, on the way to the mall, my daughter had her IPod in her pocket along with one ear bud in her ear. When I spoke to her, she seemed to not hear me so I mentioned that it was rude to have the ear buds in her ears when she's with people. Her response to me was, "There's only one ear bud in my ear. I can hear you through my other ear." So does this mean she was ignoring me deliberately?! I still don't know and I still think it is very rude. I have been in other situations with friends when we've been visiting and the electronic devices are out and you hear tap, tap, tap while they update Facebook, Twitter, etc with pictures, information or whatever. I strongly feel it is rude. As I mentioned before in regards to my husband, I think that anyone who texts, uploads pictures, follows other people's Facebook pages, Twitter "tweets", etc while they are with me are not only being extremely rude but they are sending me a personal non-verbal message that I am not worthy of their time or full attention!
My children call me old fashioned. I've been told I need to "get with the times". Perhaps I'm too sensitive. Whatever the reason, I think that life is too short to ignore people while you are with them face to face. Does it really hurt to put away the electronic devices for an hour or two while you are with me? It's the end of my rant but maybe it's something we should ponder as we go through our day.
Monday, 3 September 2012
Paradoxes...Quiet Stillness or Hectic Busyness
I'm still trying to settle into my changed routine. It was very easy while I was sick to have quiet time so I could reflect and meditate. As the summer has progressed and I'm regaining my strength and stamina, I'm living life to the fullest as well. This seems to translate into less "quiet" time.
My husband has always labelled me as a type A personality. I like to keep busy and fill my day with activities that promote my relationships with my husband, family and friends. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something worthwhile. I love to visit with small groups of friends. So in order to keep in touch with everyone, I used to fill our weekends with activities with friends. At the same time, I would fill the weekends with errands for our children, or going to activities that they were involved in so they knew how much they meant to us and we totally supported them in their endeavours. It used to be the norm that I would be up at 6:30 a.m. and running solid until 10 or 10:30 p.m. Then I would fall into bed and start the next day all over again. This has a type A personality agenda written all over it!
While I underwent chemotherapy, my body's lack of health forced me to sit quietly for hours at a time. What a relief this was!!! How nice it was that I didn't have to organize, plan or "run around like a chicken with its head cut off". The paradox to this was that while I was embracing a slower lifestyle, I still wanted to watch my children's activities. I still wanted to "do". But....I also learned how to stop and enjoy some "quiet" time.
My current challenge is to achieve a balance of quiet and serene time in conjunction with my busy lifestyle of teaching and organizing a busy household. One of the new routines I want to continue is to take a full 30 minutes of uninterrupted, absolute stillness and quietness. During this 30 minutes, I read "The Friendship Book" and take time to absorb and contemplate the entry for the day. Next, I read "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo and, again, I take the time to absorb, contemplate and act on the suggested meditation exercises for the day. I find when I do this, my day seems to go much easier. I seem to handle any negativity that comes my way so much better. You would think that because I enjoy this time so much that I would not have any difficulty building it into the start of my day. Wrong! My type A personality gets in the way. I get up in the morning, put the coffee on, read the paper, check my email, read the blogs I follow and check my facebook. By this time, the other members of the family are up and the hustle and bustle of the house is beginning to hum. There goes my "quiet" time.
While I was in California, I was able to do my readings and meditation every day. Since I've come back, I seem to be missing days at a time. This past week, I've started to contact my students and get myself organized to resume teaching private music lessons in September. As I'm getting stronger and taking on more tasks, I'm forgetting to nurture my inner self with the meditations. Again, the paradox of all this is that I want both the quiet, serene and contemplative time as well as the busy, "worthwhile" time. Perhaps this is my problem. I've bought into the world's measure of worth. In order to be worthy, we need to be multi-tasking and "doing" from the time we arise in the morning until we fall into bed at night. I have to keep reminding myself that my inner self is just as worthy and the quiet time of just sitting, reading, contemplating and meditating is just as important or more important than the doing.
I know that I use an agenda/calendar to keep myself organized and on task. In order to get in the habit of daily quiet time at the beginning of the day, I may have to enter this into my agenda. I may have to arise earlier in the day and "schedule" my meditation time before anyone else is up and about. I just know that I want to continue this routine which started back in March while I was still undergoing treatments. These daily moments helped me cope with anxiety and the unkown of cancer and treatments. I truly believe these daily moments will continue to help me cope with the stress of living life to the fullest. So I'm raising my cup of coffee to the art of finding the balance between quiet stillness and hectic busyness.
My husband has always labelled me as a type A personality. I like to keep busy and fill my day with activities that promote my relationships with my husband, family and friends. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something worthwhile. I love to visit with small groups of friends. So in order to keep in touch with everyone, I used to fill our weekends with activities with friends. At the same time, I would fill the weekends with errands for our children, or going to activities that they were involved in so they knew how much they meant to us and we totally supported them in their endeavours. It used to be the norm that I would be up at 6:30 a.m. and running solid until 10 or 10:30 p.m. Then I would fall into bed and start the next day all over again. This has a type A personality agenda written all over it!
While I underwent chemotherapy, my body's lack of health forced me to sit quietly for hours at a time. What a relief this was!!! How nice it was that I didn't have to organize, plan or "run around like a chicken with its head cut off". The paradox to this was that while I was embracing a slower lifestyle, I still wanted to watch my children's activities. I still wanted to "do". But....I also learned how to stop and enjoy some "quiet" time.
My current challenge is to achieve a balance of quiet and serene time in conjunction with my busy lifestyle of teaching and organizing a busy household. One of the new routines I want to continue is to take a full 30 minutes of uninterrupted, absolute stillness and quietness. During this 30 minutes, I read "The Friendship Book" and take time to absorb and contemplate the entry for the day. Next, I read "The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo and, again, I take the time to absorb, contemplate and act on the suggested meditation exercises for the day. I find when I do this, my day seems to go much easier. I seem to handle any negativity that comes my way so much better. You would think that because I enjoy this time so much that I would not have any difficulty building it into the start of my day. Wrong! My type A personality gets in the way. I get up in the morning, put the coffee on, read the paper, check my email, read the blogs I follow and check my facebook. By this time, the other members of the family are up and the hustle and bustle of the house is beginning to hum. There goes my "quiet" time.
While I was in California, I was able to do my readings and meditation every day. Since I've come back, I seem to be missing days at a time. This past week, I've started to contact my students and get myself organized to resume teaching private music lessons in September. As I'm getting stronger and taking on more tasks, I'm forgetting to nurture my inner self with the meditations. Again, the paradox of all this is that I want both the quiet, serene and contemplative time as well as the busy, "worthwhile" time. Perhaps this is my problem. I've bought into the world's measure of worth. In order to be worthy, we need to be multi-tasking and "doing" from the time we arise in the morning until we fall into bed at night. I have to keep reminding myself that my inner self is just as worthy and the quiet time of just sitting, reading, contemplating and meditating is just as important or more important than the doing.
I know that I use an agenda/calendar to keep myself organized and on task. In order to get in the habit of daily quiet time at the beginning of the day, I may have to enter this into my agenda. I may have to arise earlier in the day and "schedule" my meditation time before anyone else is up and about. I just know that I want to continue this routine which started back in March while I was still undergoing treatments. These daily moments helped me cope with anxiety and the unkown of cancer and treatments. I truly believe these daily moments will continue to help me cope with the stress of living life to the fullest. So I'm raising my cup of coffee to the art of finding the balance between quiet stillness and hectic busyness.
Friday, 31 August 2012
Night Sweats! Menopause or Lymphoma Symptom?
Throughout the summer of 2011 I had been having intense night sweats that left my bed drenched. I remember my hair being soaked and I looked like I had just gone swimming. At the time, I was attributing the night sweats to my approaching menopause. I'm just at the age that these things would be happening naturally to my body. The night sweats continued to interrupt my sleep which added to my sense of lethargy and fatigue. All this continued throughout the Fall of 2011.
When I went for my first visit to my family doctor at the end of November 2011, he asked me if I was having any night sweats. Of course I answered in the affirmative and told him that I assumed it was my approaching menopause and bodily changes. As it happens, the night sweats were a symptom of the lymphoma. Once I started my chemotherapy treatments in January of this year, the night sweats disappeared. However, they reappeared in March and I remember being scared. This was not just a little bit of anxiety but full blown fear that the chemotherapy wasn't working and the tumours were growing bigger. My oncologist reassured me in March that the tumours were not growing back but were, in his experience, actually gone. He told me that the chemotherapy had pushed my body over the brink and into menopause which was causing the night sweats.
So this begs the question...How do you know whether it is night sweats due to menopause or night sweats due to lymphoma?! For the last few months, I've started to have hot flashes during the day as well. I can now tell the difference between the lymphoma night sweats and the menopausal night sweats/hot flashes. For me, the night sweats I experienced last summer and last fall were sudden drenchings with very little warning. Like menopausal night sweats, it helped to lessen the intensity of them by keeping my feet cool at night. I would just uncover my feet and lower legs which would cool me off. The night sweats and hot flashes that I'm experiencing due to menopause begin with a prickly heat sensation that starts in my chest and radiates up my neck and face to the top of my head and down to my legs. I can truly feel the advance of the heat as it moves. As soon as I feel it start in the middle of the night, it helps to throw off the covers. If I sleep through the beginning of the night sweat, then it takes longer for the heat to abate. Anyway, there definitely is a difference between what I feel due to menopause and what I felt as symptoms last summer and fall. This really relieves my mind. Even though my oncologist had reassured me in March, there was always that niggling anxiety in the back of my mind that wondered "what if". What if the lymphoma was coming back? Would I feel it? Would the fatigue I feel because I've done too much be a symptom? Would the night sweats be confused with menopause?
I'm confident now that there is a difference and I can definitely feel it. Last night, my sleep was interrupted with another night sweat that started as a prickly sensation followed by intense heat. It started in my chest and moved upwards and downwards at the same time. I threw off the covers but it didn't help last night. So I got up and went to the living room. I spent time on the computer until my body was cooled down and I was tired again. So although the night is interrupted, I still feel like I got a good night's sleep.
I have a check-up with my oncologist in a couple of weeks and I am looking forward to it. I've been very tired lately and, logically, I can tell myself that it is because I've had a very busy month or so. There is just that little monkey of anxiety sitting on my shoulder that wonders if I'm tired because the lymphoma is returning. I really don't think so and when the "what ifs" start, I figuratively push them back inside the closet in my mind, slam the door shut and lock it. This metaphor and imagery helped me cope while I had treatment. I think it is a tool that I will be using as it helps to relieve the anxiety and relieve any stress.
In closing, I'm happy to be alive. The fact that I have night sweats interrupting my sleep can be overcome. In the big scheme of life, it is just another little irritant and all women have had to or will have to experience this as a rite of passage. Life is good and full of experiences with family, friends, nature and my spiritual realm. That's what really counts.
When I went for my first visit to my family doctor at the end of November 2011, he asked me if I was having any night sweats. Of course I answered in the affirmative and told him that I assumed it was my approaching menopause and bodily changes. As it happens, the night sweats were a symptom of the lymphoma. Once I started my chemotherapy treatments in January of this year, the night sweats disappeared. However, they reappeared in March and I remember being scared. This was not just a little bit of anxiety but full blown fear that the chemotherapy wasn't working and the tumours were growing bigger. My oncologist reassured me in March that the tumours were not growing back but were, in his experience, actually gone. He told me that the chemotherapy had pushed my body over the brink and into menopause which was causing the night sweats.
So this begs the question...How do you know whether it is night sweats due to menopause or night sweats due to lymphoma?! For the last few months, I've started to have hot flashes during the day as well. I can now tell the difference between the lymphoma night sweats and the menopausal night sweats/hot flashes. For me, the night sweats I experienced last summer and last fall were sudden drenchings with very little warning. Like menopausal night sweats, it helped to lessen the intensity of them by keeping my feet cool at night. I would just uncover my feet and lower legs which would cool me off. The night sweats and hot flashes that I'm experiencing due to menopause begin with a prickly heat sensation that starts in my chest and radiates up my neck and face to the top of my head and down to my legs. I can truly feel the advance of the heat as it moves. As soon as I feel it start in the middle of the night, it helps to throw off the covers. If I sleep through the beginning of the night sweat, then it takes longer for the heat to abate. Anyway, there definitely is a difference between what I feel due to menopause and what I felt as symptoms last summer and fall. This really relieves my mind. Even though my oncologist had reassured me in March, there was always that niggling anxiety in the back of my mind that wondered "what if". What if the lymphoma was coming back? Would I feel it? Would the fatigue I feel because I've done too much be a symptom? Would the night sweats be confused with menopause?
I'm confident now that there is a difference and I can definitely feel it. Last night, my sleep was interrupted with another night sweat that started as a prickly sensation followed by intense heat. It started in my chest and moved upwards and downwards at the same time. I threw off the covers but it didn't help last night. So I got up and went to the living room. I spent time on the computer until my body was cooled down and I was tired again. So although the night is interrupted, I still feel like I got a good night's sleep.
I have a check-up with my oncologist in a couple of weeks and I am looking forward to it. I've been very tired lately and, logically, I can tell myself that it is because I've had a very busy month or so. There is just that little monkey of anxiety sitting on my shoulder that wonders if I'm tired because the lymphoma is returning. I really don't think so and when the "what ifs" start, I figuratively push them back inside the closet in my mind, slam the door shut and lock it. This metaphor and imagery helped me cope while I had treatment. I think it is a tool that I will be using as it helps to relieve the anxiety and relieve any stress.
In closing, I'm happy to be alive. The fact that I have night sweats interrupting my sleep can be overcome. In the big scheme of life, it is just another little irritant and all women have had to or will have to experience this as a rite of passage. Life is good and full of experiences with family, friends, nature and my spiritual realm. That's what really counts.
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
Back to Reality
After eight months of taking it easy, it is time to get myself ready to go back to work and juggling my many responsibilities. As I went through my chemotherapy treatments, I had plenty of time to think about all aspects of my life. I thought about what I do for a career and whether I wanted or needed to make changes. I examined how I handle and react to stress. I examined my activities and worries in order to prioritize and decide which activities were beneficial to me and which activities added stress and anxiety to me. While I was ill and going through treatment, I was forced to sit still and learn how to relax. I also had to learn to deal with anxiety and the unkown future. Throughout this whole process, I realized that I had to make changes to myself. I needed to learn to let go of some of the details that I always thought were important. As I recovered my health, strength and stamina this summer, I lived life to the fullest.
To be completely honest, I did too much in the last month or so. I had a fantastic trip to California and enjoyed every moment. This follows my new view of life which is to enjoy every single moment. However, I was very tired after the trip and instead of taking time to recover, I played golf the very first day back. I, again, enjoyed every moment of that day but it continued to drain my limited reserves of energy. The following week, I didn't stop "doing" as I felt I had to get my home ready to teach private music lessons again in the Fall. It was during this week that I fell back into my "old" mode of living and coping. I ran myself ragged in order to get my house in order and get the laundry ready for the upcoming weekend away. I remember writing in this blog during treatment or just after that I would not stretch myself in order to meet all my wants and obligations. I relapsed and did stretch myself much too far.
I had a wedding that I was looking forward to since February while I was in treatment. Throughout January through to August, I was excited about going to the wedding of my cousin and seeing all my extended family! As it happens, my son's baseball team made the Ontario Baseball Association Championship Tournament that same weekend. So now my weekend that I had looked forward to for months was being split between spending time with extended family and sitting at the ball field. Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining as I really enjoy watching my son play baseball. I always feel so proud of him as he plays and gives 115% whenever he plays. The good thing is that the tournament was only 30 minutes away from where the wedding was taking place. On the Friday, my family and I left home at 7 a.m. in order to make it to the baseball field for 11:30 a.m. We watched my son play ball and had the unexpected surprise of having one of my brothers and his wife come to watch the game. They had never seen my son play baseball before because we live too far away from each other. This was bittersweet because this was my son's last weekend of rep baseball. He'll be too old next year. We saw my son pitch a complete game (7 innings) with 10 strike outs. They won 6-0. We then left to travel to my other brother's home where we were going to stay for the weekend. Our son dropped us off and turned around to head back to the ball field for his next game. You see the wedding was at 6 p.m. and my son's ball game was at 5:30 p.m. This is what I mean about juggling my priorities, trying to live life to the fullest to create memories and preserving my sanity and strength. Unfortunately, because of the early start on Friday morning, I wasn't able to stay as long at the wedding reception as I wanted. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and I had looked forward to dancing the night away. My body didn't let me do the dancing portion. I was so tired on Friday night that I had to leave the reception right after the "compulsory" dances with the bride and her father (my uncle). I was feeling dizzy and starting to feel nauseous because of being too tired. The weekend went by much too quickly. My son played 5 games of baseball in 36 hours! By Sunday we were all exhausted. We missed out on seeing the extended family at a brunch buffet on Saturday morning because we were at the ball field. It was one of those times when I wanted to be at two places at the same time. We compromised and met my mom for breakfast on Sunday morning before we drove back home.
On Monday, I intended to do the laundry from the weekend and start the process of organizing myself to start teaching in September. The "new" me listened to my body and didn't do anything except the laundry. I was so tired I couldn't move on Monday. I couldn't have communicated coherently with business associates or parents and so that has been put off for the moment. Yesterday I started feeling the "old" feelings of pressure, tension and anxiety as I realized all that I still have to do before I teach in a week or so. I realized that I don't want to go back to the constant feeling of tension and anxiety that I used to live with before being sick. So I thought about what helped me cope and relax during my treatments. It came to my attention that I had stopped reading "The Friendship Book" and "The Book of Awakening" in the last couple of weeks. I had also stopped enjoying my patio and nature. As I try to get myself back into that routine, I'm learning that it helps me to be more relaxed. Just taking those few moments in the morning to read the daily excerpts before I get "busy" helps me to cope and be more centred. Stopping to enjoy a moment or two communing with God in a natural setting on my patio also helps to give me inner peace. So yesterday, I did more laundry, I started contacting business contacts and I prepared a wonderful dinner for some friends who came over last night. In the process, I took time to sit and watch the birds and read a book while the chickens cooked on the barbecue.
As I come back to my reality of juggling the many demands on my time as well as keeping myself and my family organized, I have to remind myself to nurture the inner soul at the same time. I believe this will continue to be my challenge in the coming months. As I've healed over the summer, I find it easier to neglect the spiritual side of me. I think it is harder to keep the balance between the physical, emotional and spiritual parts of ourselves when life is ticking along with everything going well. Again, I want to try to implement changes and nurture all aspects in a balanced way. This is the challenge of coming back to reality after eight months of healing. Certainly having lymphoma in the last year has made me want to make these lasting changes. That's the challenge in the next few months and years....to keep the changes that I've made within as permanent changes.
To be completely honest, I did too much in the last month or so. I had a fantastic trip to California and enjoyed every moment. This follows my new view of life which is to enjoy every single moment. However, I was very tired after the trip and instead of taking time to recover, I played golf the very first day back. I, again, enjoyed every moment of that day but it continued to drain my limited reserves of energy. The following week, I didn't stop "doing" as I felt I had to get my home ready to teach private music lessons again in the Fall. It was during this week that I fell back into my "old" mode of living and coping. I ran myself ragged in order to get my house in order and get the laundry ready for the upcoming weekend away. I remember writing in this blog during treatment or just after that I would not stretch myself in order to meet all my wants and obligations. I relapsed and did stretch myself much too far.
I had a wedding that I was looking forward to since February while I was in treatment. Throughout January through to August, I was excited about going to the wedding of my cousin and seeing all my extended family! As it happens, my son's baseball team made the Ontario Baseball Association Championship Tournament that same weekend. So now my weekend that I had looked forward to for months was being split between spending time with extended family and sitting at the ball field. Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining as I really enjoy watching my son play baseball. I always feel so proud of him as he plays and gives 115% whenever he plays. The good thing is that the tournament was only 30 minutes away from where the wedding was taking place. On the Friday, my family and I left home at 7 a.m. in order to make it to the baseball field for 11:30 a.m. We watched my son play ball and had the unexpected surprise of having one of my brothers and his wife come to watch the game. They had never seen my son play baseball before because we live too far away from each other. This was bittersweet because this was my son's last weekend of rep baseball. He'll be too old next year. We saw my son pitch a complete game (7 innings) with 10 strike outs. They won 6-0. We then left to travel to my other brother's home where we were going to stay for the weekend. Our son dropped us off and turned around to head back to the ball field for his next game. You see the wedding was at 6 p.m. and my son's ball game was at 5:30 p.m. This is what I mean about juggling my priorities, trying to live life to the fullest to create memories and preserving my sanity and strength. Unfortunately, because of the early start on Friday morning, I wasn't able to stay as long at the wedding reception as I wanted. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and I had looked forward to dancing the night away. My body didn't let me do the dancing portion. I was so tired on Friday night that I had to leave the reception right after the "compulsory" dances with the bride and her father (my uncle). I was feeling dizzy and starting to feel nauseous because of being too tired. The weekend went by much too quickly. My son played 5 games of baseball in 36 hours! By Sunday we were all exhausted. We missed out on seeing the extended family at a brunch buffet on Saturday morning because we were at the ball field. It was one of those times when I wanted to be at two places at the same time. We compromised and met my mom for breakfast on Sunday morning before we drove back home.
On Monday, I intended to do the laundry from the weekend and start the process of organizing myself to start teaching in September. The "new" me listened to my body and didn't do anything except the laundry. I was so tired I couldn't move on Monday. I couldn't have communicated coherently with business associates or parents and so that has been put off for the moment. Yesterday I started feeling the "old" feelings of pressure, tension and anxiety as I realized all that I still have to do before I teach in a week or so. I realized that I don't want to go back to the constant feeling of tension and anxiety that I used to live with before being sick. So I thought about what helped me cope and relax during my treatments. It came to my attention that I had stopped reading "The Friendship Book" and "The Book of Awakening" in the last couple of weeks. I had also stopped enjoying my patio and nature. As I try to get myself back into that routine, I'm learning that it helps me to be more relaxed. Just taking those few moments in the morning to read the daily excerpts before I get "busy" helps me to cope and be more centred. Stopping to enjoy a moment or two communing with God in a natural setting on my patio also helps to give me inner peace. So yesterday, I did more laundry, I started contacting business contacts and I prepared a wonderful dinner for some friends who came over last night. In the process, I took time to sit and watch the birds and read a book while the chickens cooked on the barbecue.
As I come back to my reality of juggling the many demands on my time as well as keeping myself and my family organized, I have to remind myself to nurture the inner soul at the same time. I believe this will continue to be my challenge in the coming months. As I've healed over the summer, I find it easier to neglect the spiritual side of me. I think it is harder to keep the balance between the physical, emotional and spiritual parts of ourselves when life is ticking along with everything going well. Again, I want to try to implement changes and nurture all aspects in a balanced way. This is the challenge of coming back to reality after eight months of healing. Certainly having lymphoma in the last year has made me want to make these lasting changes. That's the challenge in the next few months and years....to keep the changes that I've made within as permanent changes.
Thursday, 23 August 2012
An Encouraging Day
As you know, I've been spending time thoroughly cleaning my home. Normally this wouldn't be a significant event but it is the first time that I've been able to do it on my own since before my diagnosis. I have had to work slowly at it as I tire easily. Today I got all the vacuuming done, the dusting done and the cobwebs cleared from the corners. On Monday, I hope to tackle washing the floors on my hands and knees as well as getting the bathrooms completed. I'm also wanting to get all the windows washed. Although I'm tired tonight, I feel very self-satisfied and encouraged. On top of it all, as I was doing laundry and waiting for the spin cycle to finish, I tried singing some easy children's hymns from my childhood. I pulled out the old hymnbook that used to always sit on my grandma's piano and I found my favourite children's hymns. I managed to sing two hymns with multiple verses. My voice had a good solid tone although it was still a little weak but certainly stronger than it's been. I was able to support the tone with my diaphragm without any ill effects. The voice isn't ready to do any singing publicly yet but it is very encouraging that my voice and throat are not showing any signs of strain tonight.
I get to have the weekend off as I'm attending my cousin's wedding. I love spending time with my cousin and her fiance as they always make me laugh and smile. They are a couple that spread light, sunshine and joy wherever they go. The wedding will be a fun and enjoyable event. The party after will most likely be filled with laughs to the point of having a sore face and belly from laughing and smiling so hard and long. I found out about this wedding when I was sick. August 24, 2012 became a beacon to me as I fought through the chemotherapy and the low points. Now that the day is here, I'm excited to be attending and feeling great. Let's partay!!!!
As life would have it, my son's baseball team made the Ontario Baseball Association Championship Playoffs. He's playing ball this weekend in Stratford in his very last tournament in Rep baseball. Thank goodness the tournament is being held in Stratford as it allows us to watch his first game on Friday at noon, make the drive to my brother's home where we'll be staying for the weekend, go to my cousin's wedding while my son drives back to Stratford to play ball on Friday evening. I know that earlier in my blog while I was finishing my chemotherapy, I mentioned that I was going to make changes so that I wasn't pulled in all different directions trying to make everyone happy. This time I'm pulling myself in all different directions because I am going to my cousin's wedding and at the same time wanting to see my son play ball for the last time in a very competitive manner. I'm looking forward to this weekend because at the same time I'll be able to enjoy visiting with my brother.
I'll be completely offline this weekend. You see, I am a rare breed. I have a cell phone but it is a basic cell phone with no text or internet plan. I don't have an IPhone, or IPad or IPod or Tablet or anything else. I have a computer and I've dragged myself into this century by having a laptop. I'm looking forward to being offline and visiting with family face-to-face without texting or emailing. My brother is even more of a dinosaur than myself in that he doesn't have a computer or anything to do with the internet. We enjoy old-fashioned visits where we recall escapades from our youth through to our current lives. We laugh, eat, drink (coffee, water, wine, pop, etc.), laugh some more, eat some more and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes we play cards. We do not ever feel like we will offend each other. We disagree with each other during debates on current events and world issues but we respect each other enough to agree to disagree, although that will only come about after we have all tried to convince the others of the error of their ways. I always look forward to getting together with my brother and his wife because there is true respect and love shown at all times. Our visits with them always go by much too quickly.
As my summer winds down, I realize that I have embraced life fully again. We've been very busy travelling but all our travels have involved visiting family and friends. In my view, this is how life should be. We get distracted from connecting with family and friends by totally immersing ourselves in our careers, playing mindless games on our electronic devices and generally wasting hours of our lives. I have always felt that family and friends are important but since I've started feeling better, I really am much more aware of using my time wisely and making more effort to keep in contact with family and friends. The problem now seems to be that there isn't enough time to see everybody that I want to see. I still have my Cathy Conquers (or Conquered as one of my friends has suggested) Tour and living list to accomplish. My list seems to revolve around food and visiting friends and family. This means life is good!
Today I met up with a friend of mine who had taken over my students while I was going through treatment. This was my first step to getting back to teaching in September. I know that teaching and juggling my familial responsibilities has always drained my energy levels. I'll have to be aware and make sure that I get enough rest. I'm a little anxious about this new step in my healing. I'm wondering if it is too soon to go back to teaching although the truth is I'm also excited about resuming teaching and seeing my students. I've also become comfortable in being at home and not having too many demands placed upon me. I've realized that I am a bit of an introvert. This was definitely confirmed during our visit to Las Vegas. I know that I'm even more comfortable in my own skin than I was before I got sick.
Anyway, this weekend is going to be a fun weekend and probably one of the last flings of the summer. Let's bring it on!!
I get to have the weekend off as I'm attending my cousin's wedding. I love spending time with my cousin and her fiance as they always make me laugh and smile. They are a couple that spread light, sunshine and joy wherever they go. The wedding will be a fun and enjoyable event. The party after will most likely be filled with laughs to the point of having a sore face and belly from laughing and smiling so hard and long. I found out about this wedding when I was sick. August 24, 2012 became a beacon to me as I fought through the chemotherapy and the low points. Now that the day is here, I'm excited to be attending and feeling great. Let's partay!!!!
As life would have it, my son's baseball team made the Ontario Baseball Association Championship Playoffs. He's playing ball this weekend in Stratford in his very last tournament in Rep baseball. Thank goodness the tournament is being held in Stratford as it allows us to watch his first game on Friday at noon, make the drive to my brother's home where we'll be staying for the weekend, go to my cousin's wedding while my son drives back to Stratford to play ball on Friday evening. I know that earlier in my blog while I was finishing my chemotherapy, I mentioned that I was going to make changes so that I wasn't pulled in all different directions trying to make everyone happy. This time I'm pulling myself in all different directions because I am going to my cousin's wedding and at the same time wanting to see my son play ball for the last time in a very competitive manner. I'm looking forward to this weekend because at the same time I'll be able to enjoy visiting with my brother.
I'll be completely offline this weekend. You see, I am a rare breed. I have a cell phone but it is a basic cell phone with no text or internet plan. I don't have an IPhone, or IPad or IPod or Tablet or anything else. I have a computer and I've dragged myself into this century by having a laptop. I'm looking forward to being offline and visiting with family face-to-face without texting or emailing. My brother is even more of a dinosaur than myself in that he doesn't have a computer or anything to do with the internet. We enjoy old-fashioned visits where we recall escapades from our youth through to our current lives. We laugh, eat, drink (coffee, water, wine, pop, etc.), laugh some more, eat some more and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes we play cards. We do not ever feel like we will offend each other. We disagree with each other during debates on current events and world issues but we respect each other enough to agree to disagree, although that will only come about after we have all tried to convince the others of the error of their ways. I always look forward to getting together with my brother and his wife because there is true respect and love shown at all times. Our visits with them always go by much too quickly.
As my summer winds down, I realize that I have embraced life fully again. We've been very busy travelling but all our travels have involved visiting family and friends. In my view, this is how life should be. We get distracted from connecting with family and friends by totally immersing ourselves in our careers, playing mindless games on our electronic devices and generally wasting hours of our lives. I have always felt that family and friends are important but since I've started feeling better, I really am much more aware of using my time wisely and making more effort to keep in contact with family and friends. The problem now seems to be that there isn't enough time to see everybody that I want to see. I still have my Cathy Conquers (or Conquered as one of my friends has suggested) Tour and living list to accomplish. My list seems to revolve around food and visiting friends and family. This means life is good!
Today I met up with a friend of mine who had taken over my students while I was going through treatment. This was my first step to getting back to teaching in September. I know that teaching and juggling my familial responsibilities has always drained my energy levels. I'll have to be aware and make sure that I get enough rest. I'm a little anxious about this new step in my healing. I'm wondering if it is too soon to go back to teaching although the truth is I'm also excited about resuming teaching and seeing my students. I've also become comfortable in being at home and not having too many demands placed upon me. I've realized that I am a bit of an introvert. This was definitely confirmed during our visit to Las Vegas. I know that I'm even more comfortable in my own skin than I was before I got sick.
Anyway, this weekend is going to be a fun weekend and probably one of the last flings of the summer. Let's bring it on!!
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