Day 1 First Chemo Cycle

I had an early start to the day because I had to be registered at the Cancer Clinic at 8:30 a.m. I started my day with a bowl of oatmeal and my Allopurinol which needs to be taken with food. Then off we went to the Clinic to start my first day of chemo. I knew what to expect because I had the Rituximab 5 years ago when I had chemo.

Because I had a reaction to the Rituximab 5 years ago, they gave me Benadryl pills to take along with some tylenol before they started the IV. The first bag emptied in through my IV was hydrocortisol followed by a saline solution and then the Rituximab. Just like 5 years ago, the nurse started the Rituximab slowly at 20 ml per hour and then this was raised by 20 ml every 30 minutes with the hope to get to 200 ml per hour. We got to 60 ml per hour and I started to feel some itchiness on my left ear and on my scalp. I remember that this is what happened 5 years ago when we first had the Rituximab. I let the nurse know and because I didn't have any visible hives, we continued and bumped up the drip to 80 ml per hour. Then a few hives showed up near my hip. I rang for the nurse and she was immediately there. She stopped the drip and then put a bag of benadryl in to combat the allergic reaction. Once it was finished, I was feeling very sleepy but the itchiness was less. Then another bag of saline was entered into me. Once the hives were totally gone, we started again slowly with the Rituximab. The nurse adjusted the drip back to 40 ml per hour. This time, we were successful and managed to get the drip increased to 100 ml per hour which finished the bag.

I was at the Cancer Clinic about 6 1/2 hours today. I returned home by 4 p.m. The only side effects I seemed to have was tiredness and feeling cold. So I went and had a nap. When I awoke around 6, I had a bowl of turkey soup. I wasn't very hungry. Then a very good friend from around the corner contacted me and I asked her to come by for a visit. What a nice evening it was!!

So now I gear up for another 6 to 8 hour day tomorrow. This is where the unknowns are. I haven't had the Gemcitabine or the Cisplatin and so I don't know what to expect. I know that in the morning before going to the Cancer Clinic, I'll have to have some food to take the Allopurinol. Then I'll go to the Cancer Clinic and have the two medications put in by IV. The IV was kept in my arm today so that I didn't need to poked again tomorrow. They'll just attach the IV tubes to what's already in my arm. Then tomorrow night, I'll take one pill of Ondansetron for contolling the nausea that will happen in response to the 2 IV meds. From what I understand, I will lose my hair in subsequent rounds of chemo as it is a side effect of these meds.

I hate being nauseous and sick. Always!! So I hope that we can keep it in check. I'm sure that my taste buds will be affected. This will be the challenge. Then I will have other pills to take starting on Wednesday. The prescription for these was filled today at the pharmacy at the hospital.

I'll make sure tomorrow, I have my puzzle books and the novel that I'm currently reading with me to help pass the time. Of course, my hubby will be with me and we'll be able to commiserate together. I do know that my nurse today mentioned that she is working again tomorrow. She is very nice and was somewhat talkative although she was very busy. It'll be nice to see her again tomorrow.

I have to say that everyone's love, support and prayers has helped lift my spirits today. Thank you for that. In the end, that's what is important in life.....family, friends and love.

Getting ready to start my R-GDP

Yesterday, I took my turkey carcass from our Christmas dinner out of the freezer and boiled it all day to make turkey broth. As has been the norm for the last couple of weeks, I slept badly last night. It doesn't matter what position I lay in, I'm in discomfort. I took 1000 mg of Extra Strength Tylenol around 1 a.m. to help. It barely touched the pain. Finally around 3:30 a.m. I fell asleep. My cat, Frodo, jumped up on me at 6:43 a.m. to let me know that it was time to feed him. So I jumped out of bed, changed Frodo's water and fed him. Then I went to the fridge and took out the large soup pot that still had the turkey carcass and I separated it all. I froze some turkey broth so that when I have days that I don't feel well, I can at least have some broth. Then I made turkey soup and let it simmer all morning. That will be my dinner tonight and if there's some left over, I will freeze it for meals later on.

After all that was done, I got my laundry done. I wanted to get everything ready for the week. Chemo starts tomorrow, but I still had to take one tablet of Allopurinol this morning in preparation for the chemo. This pill will help my kidneys process the cancer cells. It needs to be taken with food, so I had it with my breakfast.

Hubby and I decided yesterday that today we would go out on the Honda Goldwing. We refuse to let the cancer take one more day from me before it needs to. So out we went for our annual jaunt to Westport, Ontario. We love this village! At least once a year, we go to The Cove Inn for lunch. So that's what we did. I wasn't really hungry but again, I don't want to give in to this cancer. I had Beef Dip Au Jus. At one time, a meal like that would be perfect for lunch. I struggled to get through it, just because my stomach often feels full and if I overeat, then I struggle with pain in the abdomen. After our lunch, we hopped back on the bike and took some back roads over to Perth. Then I had to admit to my hubby that I was tiring fast and needed to head home. We enjoyed the ride home and I, as always, enjoyed the scenery.

After a long nap, I awoke and realized I needed to bring in the laundry off the line and get our turkey soup heated up. I wasn't hungry, but again, I forced myself to eat a bowl of soup. Who would have ever thought that I would have to force myself to eat?! Me....who used to love food!! Now my response to food is ... meh.

So after supper, I got my backpack out and loaded it up for the ordeal of chemotherapy tomorrow. I will be there for 6 to 8 hours as Rituximab is pumped into me. So in went fig bars, chocolate covered almonds, chocolate covered raisins and  gummy juice snacks. Then went in the puzzle books and a book I'm currently reading. The anxiety just reared its ugly head and I was overcome with anger and frustration. This isn't fair!!! This SUCKS!!!!  I feel like I'm on a train and I can't get off. It's rolling along down the tracks closer and closer to this dreadful chemotherapy journey. I'm afraid of the side effects on my body. I'm afraid of what's going to happen. But I really don't have a choice. I need to do this.

My bag is packed and ready to go first thing in the morning. Now my evening lies before me. More anxiety. More pain. More sleeplessness. I will try knitting, reading, doing crosswords, sudokus and playing on the computer. Just putting in time. Waiting....waiting......

Follicular Lymphoma and My Chemotherapy

After getting the diagnosis on Wednesday, I chose to finish my work week at my part-time job. I needed the distraction from my health reality. I said my good byes to my co-workers and the volunteers I worked with yesterday. It was a very hard end to the week. Last night, I was restless. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate to read or do knitting or any of the sudoku/crossword puzzles that usually help calm any anxiety. Nothing is working.

My eyes are gritty and I feel like I need a good cry. But the tears won't come. I'm terrified! So I've taken time this morning to look over the pamphlets describing my chemo regimen. To be informed is supposed to help, I think. But still very restless.

My chemo cycle this time is 21 days times 4. Each chemo cycle is 21 days long and I will ahve 4 treatments. On Sunday, I will start with a pill form of medication called Allopurinol. This will help my kidneys break down the cancer cells as they are released into my kidneys during the cycle.I will start on Monday (Day 1) with only one "medication" being put into me intravenously. I had this one in my last chemotherapy in 2012. It's called Rituximab. On Monday, it will take anywhere between 6 to 8 hours to get it into my system. Tuesday (Day 2) I will have 2 "medications" put into me intravenously. They will be Gemcitabine and Cisplatin. My next medication will be Dexamethasone (like Prednisone that I took in 2012) that I believe I will be taking Days 3-6 (Wednesday to Sunday). I'm not 100% sure on the dosing schedule for the Dexamethasone. I'm sure I will find out on Monday (Day 1). On Day 8 (Monday, Aug. 21), I will have only the Gemcitabine put into me intravenously. Then I just recover and ride the roller coaster of side effects until Day 21 where I will take the Allopurinol again and we start the cycle all over.

It is the possible side effects of the chemotherapy that really scare me. I've had the Rituximab before so I know what to expect (chills, tiredness, nausea, and headache). The Gemcitabine commonly causes anemia, nausea/vomiting, hair loss, tiredness, headache and diarrhea. Losing my hair doesn't really bother me. I still have some of the toques from last time and I just bought some really nice and easy to use head coverings. The diarrhea side effect may counteract the side effect from the anti-nausea medication (Ondansetron) which really gave me constipation last time. The Cisplatin possible common side effects include ringing in the ears/hearing loss, kidney problems, salt imbalances and neuropathy (tingling/numb toes or fingers). The Dexamethasone commonly increases risk of infections (combined with the anemia from the Gemcitabine, this scares me!), nausea, heartburn, stomach irritation, trouble sleeping, mood swings, increased appetite (might counteract some of the other meds' side effects), restlessness. The doctor already warned me that the Dexamethasone could act like the Prednisone the last time. It revved up my mind so that I remember being very tired and laying in bed but not able to sleep because my mind was racing. So don't be surprised to see posts in the middle of the night while my brain is crazy and active.

All the pamphlets say to drink plenty of water to help flush the system. I always drink lots of water but I will make sure that the glass is always full beside me.

Now I remember why I liked to post in my blog. Just the act of going through all the pamphlets and putting my thoughts and fears in written form has helped to calm me. I'm still scared but inside I, currently feel a little less restless. Now I'll go on with my day which includes mundane tasks like cleaning and grocery shopping. I'll be picking up foods, snacks and drinks that I can have with me on Monday for the 6 to 8 hour time in the chemo lab. I'm also making some turkey broth for later use. I'll probably make some turkey soup tonight or tomorrow morning.

Celebrating each day of health and then BAM...."I'm Baaack".

So I haven't posted on the blog in over a year. That's because I have been enjoying my 25 hour per week part-time job at the local hospital and teaching approximately 4 1/2 hours per week. I have continued to volunteer at the hospital. It makes me feel good. In my spare time, I've been living life to the fullest by going hiking and geocaching (a GPS treasure hunt) and riding on the back of my husband's Honda Goldwing. Life is too short to spend sitting on the couch.

I lost weight due to the activity in my job and then my weight became stable. I've been in the best physical shape than I've been in years. In November 2016, I started to lose weight again. I wondered why, but didn't really pursue the reason. Who complains about losing weight?! Especially when I've had a tendency to be slightly overweight throughout my life. At Christmas, I noticed that the Christmas dinner didn't sit very well with me. I put it down to the heavy meal and that I'm not used to eating so much. I've been eating healthier over the last year. I ate lots of chocolate and goodies over the Christmas break while visiting family. When I got home, I weighed myself and noticed that I hadn't gained any weight. Woo Hoo!! Right? Then I noticed some small changes in my digestive system. Little aches here and there and changes in bowel movements. Hmmmm.....well, maybe I'm just getting older. I noticed the night sweats were a little more often again but put it down to menopause. My hands have started to ache and the knuckles are changing. I made a note to mention all this to my family doctor at my upcoming physical.

At the end of April, I went for my annual visit to my family doctor and mentioned all these things. The ache in my abdomen was more constant starting about mid April. My doctor sent me for an abdominal ultrasound and the results showed a large gall stone in my gall bladder. There's the source of my abdominal pain, I thought. My doctor then referred me to a GI Specialist for a consultation. On June 6, he poked and prodded my stomach area and declared, "Where you have pain, is not where the gall bladder is. I'm sending you for a CT scan." I let him know who my oncologist is and that I would be seeing him for my annual appointment the next day. OK, I thought, no big deal. I've had a number of CT scans.

On June 7, I met with my oncologist at the annual appointment and told him what was going on. He felt around but couldn't feel any lumps or anything. This is good news! After telling him about my appointment the previous day and that I was being sent for a CT scan but it wasn't scheduled yet, he said "That's good. I'll await the results." He set up another appointment for me in 2 weeks time. This was all at the beginning of June. The next day after seeing my oncologist, I received a call to come for a CT scan that afternoon (June 8). I went.

I continued to work, finished teaching my students for the school year, organized their recital and continued enjoying life. The difference being that my abdomen is constantly aching and I'm relying on extra strength Tylenol to manage it. On Monday, June 19, I came home from work to find a message on my voice mail at home. It was the GI doctor himself asking me to call him. I called him the next morning while at work and left a message on the voice mail.  When I had another break in my morning, I called again. The GI doctor's admin. assistant answered the phone. When I told her who I was, she said "One moment please, he wants to speak to you." The doctor came on the phone and let me know some concerns showed up on the CT scan. He wanted to set up an appointment for an endoscopy ultrasound/biopsy. I said OK. It was set up for the Friday, June 23, just 3 days later. This concerned me because of how quickly the procedure was booked. My mind told me this does not bode well for me.

Meanwhile,I saw my oncologist the next day (Wednesday, June 21). I had my husband come with me to this appointment. The oncologist let me know that the CT scan showed 3 enlarged lymph nodes that are a concern. One was 4 cm in length and looked like it may be part of my pancreas. There were 2 more lymph nodes, one measuring 3 cm x 3 cm and one measuring 2 cm x 2 cm. Hence the scheduled endoscopy to see what is growing inside of me.

While all this is going on, my daughter was coming home to have 4 wisdom teeth removed. I had taken the Thursday off to "mother" her and monitor her after being sedated. I was now having to take the Friday off as I was being sedated in order to do the endoscopy and biopsy. Thank goodness, our daughter was out of it and didn't ask questions. My husband and I decided not to tell anybody (our children, family or friends) until we had confirmed information to tell. Unfortunately, I did have to tell my manager as I was taking all this time off for appointments and my husband had to tell his managers because he had to leave an important time in his business as well. The good news about the endoscopy was it showed it is not my pancreas. It does seem to be just the lymph nodes. There was not enough cells to determine a diagnosis, so I am now awaiting for another CT scan (full length from throat down to the bottom of the pelvis) and another biopsy procedure called IVR to be scheduled. I am also awaiting a scheduled colonoscopy.

I always said that waiting and the unknown are the hardest. Your mind is distracted. I can't read for any length of time. I'm not sleeping. I've tried to knit but again, I can't concentrate for any length of time. So my husband and I have been walking, going for rides on the motorbike and sitting outside on the patio. We've been trying to enjoy spending time with friends. I've been relying on all my "tools" that I learned from my last bout with cancer to keep myself sane. It's hard to continue to act "normal" when you know something is growing inside of you. The "What Ifs" are in full bloom and my imagery of the closet in my mind isn't working. The closet seems to be full and I can't slam the door shut. All the "what ifs" are falling out chaotically in my mind..

I bumped into my oncologist on Friday, July 7 in the hallway at the end of my workday. I chatted briefly with him about my anxiety levels. Of course, he is also in wait mode with me. He did mention that when lymphoma relapses it doesn't come back as the original sub type of lymphoma. It comes back as a different one. This is why we need another biopsy so that he can correctly identify it and plan the correct treatment for it. My oncologist is Dr. David Lee. He is so caring and compassionate. I have been blessed again with a wonderful doctor.

While awaiting the next CT scan, my husband and I have started to look more seriously at the details for my Celebration of Life/Funeral. Some of these details were already planned 5 years ago but others were not. Now is the time to keep the mind busy and finish the job. My husband and I have also been struggling with when do we tell the children and our family and friends about what we are dealing with. We again agreed that no phone calls would take place until I have a full diagnosis and treatment plan that I can share with people.

I received the appointment for my CT scan and it took place on Wednesday, July 12. The next day, July 13, my oncologist dropped into my workplace and asked to speak to me privately for a few moments. The CT scan showed just the 3 tumours but they are bigger than they were on June 8. This cancer appears to be aggressive. In the hallway outside my work, I signed the permission form for the IVR. In the following week, I will have my only week of holidays. Our plans have been adjusted so that I am able to return to the hospital if required. On my last day of work before holidays, I was given the date for my IVR. It will be done on Friday, July 21. The good news about this date is that I will be able to go away for 5 days on the back of my husband's Honda Goldwing and have a holiday before my world gets blown apart with a diagnosis, staging, prognosis and treatment plan.

I continue to have sleepless nights due to an active brain, constant pain in my abdomen and a bladder that seems to need to be voided more often. I suspect something is pressing on it. Again, the waiting and the unknown are the most difficult part of this so far. So we planned a last minute holiday to ride the Goldwing down into New York State. What a great holiday it was. Although cancer is in the back of our minds, we enjoyed the ride, the great weather and got to see the Syracuse Chiefs and Binghamton Rumble Ponies play ball. We saw 6 ball games in 5 days. My hubby was also so considerate and we went to visit the Animal Adventure Park near Harpursville, NY. I had watched April the Giraffe in March and April through the Giraffe Cam and witnessed April have her calf, Tajiri. It was great to see them in person but I thoroughly enjoyed seeing all the exhibits at the park. It was a bright, sunny and hot day. This holiday was a really nice getaway from the concerns that were always in the back of our minds.

We arrived back home on Thursday, July 20 and then I went for the IVR on July 21. The biopsies were taken and then we were back to waiting. Again, as I recovered from the small invasiveness of the procedure in my abdomen, it was difficult to keep my thoughts from the "what ifs". Again, I started to question whether to tell my children and family but then reconfirmed in my mind that I need to wait until I can tell them exactly what kind of lymphoma I have and what the treatment plan is. Once I have that information, hubby and I will be busy on the phone informing family and friends of the return of the lymphoma. I will have to contact my remaining students and let them know that I will not be teaching in September.

On July 28, as both my children were calling and it is sometimes difficult to reach them, hubby and I decided to tell them the information and procedures that we have gleaned in the last couple of months. Needless to say, they were both shocked and need to process the information. However, they were glad that we let them know. Now we can keep them in the loop and a little weight is off my shoulders. The plan is still to tell the rest of our family and friends after I have a diagnosis and treatment plan. Waiting is the hardest....the unknowns are difficult. I have to refrain from using Dr. Google.

Knowing that "Dooms Day" is coming up within the week, hubby and I decided to use our long weekend and hop on the motorbike. We left home on August 5 and went to Alexandria Bay, NY for a few days. What a nice interlude this was!! Hubby was hoping that we could just forget about the cancer for a few days. Little did he realize how much it hurts me. I can feel the tumours in my abdomen when I walk (as they get jostled about). Although you can't physically see them, they are large enough that when I try to sleep at night, I can't find a comfortable position with no pain. Hubby hadn't seen me struggle with fatigue or breathlessness as the month of July advanced. On this long weekend interlude, we visited Boldt Castle in the 1000 Islands. What a lovely afternoon it was, but it brought home to my husband the reality of what's going on inside my body. We had to stop numerous times to sit on benches because I was too fatigued to go on. As we climbed the stairs in the castle, he saw me become breathless and again having to find a place to rest before going on exploring the finished areas of the castle. Having said all this, it was still a really nice time away before "all hell breaks loose" in the next week.

On August 9, I met with my oncologist (hubby in tow) to hear what the diagnosis is.  I have Follicular Lymphoma and will start my chemotherapy on Monday, August 14. I will have 4 treatments of chemo (21 day cycle for each treatment) and then if the chemo has been deemed successful, I will have a stem cell transplant using my own stem cells. Apparently, this chemotherapy will be much stronger, harsher and aggressive than what I've had before. It is expected to be much harder on my body, blood counts and there is the very real possibility of infection. What a lovely anniversary gift to give to my husband.....our anniversary is Aug. 10. So here we go. I AM TERRIFIED!

The Little Man on the Shoulder Called "Fear"

In the last year and a bit, I've had small health scares that caused anxiety until it was all sorted out. My singing voice has been slow to come back to where it once had been. About a year ago, it started going hoarse like at the beginning of my lymphoma journey in 2011. I mentioned it at my check up at the Cancer Centre a year ago. No lumps or swelling had been found at my check up and my blood levels were fine. No elevated white blood cells and no elevated proteins. I was referred to an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat specialist) to have a scope done. This happened in August of 2015. The scope showed to nodules on my larynx but no cancer. I was told to rest my voice (no speaking or singing) for 3 to 6 months. I was also told I was being referred to a speech therapist to learn how to speak properly. I'm still waiting for an appointment for the speech therapist. I was told it could take up to 2 years. In December, I went to an occupational therapist who specializes in musicians. She uses an alternative therapy called the Feldenkrais Method. I went for 4 sessions where she worked with my neck, shoulders, back and overall relaxation of the bodies muscles. After the first session, the resonance in my voice was already increased. By the end of the fourth session, I was able to sing like I used to AND I was able to play my flute with no discomfort in my throat area. The last session, I took my flute to the appointment at the request of my therapist. It was the first time that I was able to create a warm, resonant tone on the instrument since 2011!!

In the midst of my sessions, I realized that I needed to remove some of the stresses that were causing all the tension in my body. In the middle of January, I applied and was given a new job that is totally different from the music and teaching that I've been doing for over 25 years. I still have my home studio where I teach students in the evenings until 8 p.m. I have started a new job in retail within our local hospital. The bonus for me is that the hours are regular and involve no evenings or weekends. I've been enjoying life fully. I've been full joie de vivre. My weekends have been wonderful spending time with my hubby while we have been hiking and trying to be more active.

Last week, I went for my annual physical. In this era of instant result, I was able to access the results of some routine tests online. Something was flagged as "High". Friday morning, I spent time googling the results of that particular test. Sometimes a little information isn't good. The results of my test could be for a routine issue or it can be a warning that there may be a cancer involved. As I googled more information, I found out that one of the drugs used in my chemo can cause this specific cancer. So after 4 years of gradually coming out of a place of anxiety and fear, I found myself anxious and fear-ridden on Friday and Saturday. I talked to my hubby and then I started using some of my coping strategies I used while in the diagnosis and treatment stage 4 years ago. I took my fears and the "what ifs" and imagined opening that closet door in my mind labelled "What Ifs", throwing the fears in and slamming the door. Now I'll be calling my family doctor and seeing what is up.

The little man (fear) is back on my shoulder.

Hello Again!

Oh my!!! I can't believe I haven't posted since October 2014!!! Let me tell you that life has been very full but in a really good way. I took on more students in September and I have to admit that maybe it was too much. I thought my energy levels were good but I find myself very tired out by the end of the week. I remember being told that after chemo your energy never fully returns. Well, I am stubborn and refused to believe it. Now I have to admit that perhaps everyone was right....or I'm just getting older. Whatever the reason, I must admit that I am exhausted by the end of each week.

Like I mentioned, I've taken on more students. I seem to have a lot of beginner students this year and it is always so satisfying to see them enjoy learning the piano and to read the music. Although this tires me greatly, it is also fun. It warms my heart to have the young students run up to me to say hello if they see me outside of the teaching arena. My students participated in a Christmas recital at the end of December. Again it was very satisfying to see the students, especially the ones who were anxious about playing in front of people, perform very well and master their pieces. Teaching often brings a smile to my face even if I am tired.

In my spare time, I have been reading more this year. I love the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and I started the series again. I was prompted to re-read this series after it was shown in the Fall on the Showcase channel on television. I thoroughly enjoyed the short series which will begin to air again in April. Meanwhile, I've started to read the books again and love them just as much as my first time through them. I find reading is very relaxing and it is an escape for me as I, through my imagination, am transported into the story.

I continue to try to make a difference in the world around me. Although this uses up some of my precious energy, I think it is important to help make a positive impact through my existence. I continue to play piano at our local hospital but it is now in the long term care ward. This is the ward where people are placed as they await openings in the local nursing homes. As I'm now three years removed from my cancer experience, I thought the strong urge to experience life in all its fullness would have lessened. No it hasn't! This may be due to the fact that more people I know have been diagnosed with cancer or their cancer has returned. I have been reminded again that life is very short as some of these people have lost their battle with cancer. This reminder affects me very deeply. I'm happy that I am still in remission but I am still assailed by emotions related to my cancer journey on the anniversary dates of my diagnosis, treatments and confirmed remission.

After 3 years, the worry I feel when I have a cold is still there although somewhat lessened. There's always the fear that these nagging colds, then flus and more colds are signs that the lymphoma has returned. Add into that all the menopausal symptoms that are the same as the lymphoma symptoms and I could get myself really worked up emotionally. When this starts to happen, I sit back and literally take a deep breath. I pray. I meditate. I surround myself with my activities and friends. I try to continue to counteract these negative emotions with positive emotions and interactions. I will not let fear rule my life and take away my pleasure of being remission!!

So in closing, all is well. I am still in remission. My next check up at the cancer clinic is in May. I continue to try to live life to its absolute fullest and enjoy new experiences as well as my regular enjoyable activities and interactions. My family has a "Blessing Jar" (or Perspective Jar) where I write on a slip of paper moments that are special to me. On New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, I will open it up with my family and we share the memories and blessings that occurred throughout the year. So far 2015 is one great year!!

How Our Actions Speak

Way back in February, my husband and I were celebrating Valentine's Day a little late at a fine dining establishment. We were stretching the budget to do this but we felt it was important to find some "our" time during the busy month and busy months to come. We really enjoyed our meal and some wine and cocktails to go with it. We were there for a couple of hours having a leisurely date. At the end of the meal, our check came. When the waitress delivered it to our table, she said that she had also been serving a lone young man who had a gift card for the restaurant. It was for an amount more than he had consumed and he told the waitress to put the rest of the gift card to our bill. What a kind and generous gesture!! It ended up covering our complete meal (appetizers, entrées and desserts). All we had to pay for was our drinks. To this day, this young man's "pay-it-forward" action continues to warm my heart.

As a Christian, I am often reminded that our actions reflect our faith. I strive to emulate Christ's love in my daily interactions. I say I strive, because I am human and I do have faults which mean that I am not always successful in showing loving generosity and patience in all situations. I think that the "pay-it-forward" trend is another way that we can make ourselves open to channelling the Holy Spirit if we listen to the nudge that comes from within us. I find when I act on the "internal nudge" of the Holy Spirit (our conscience?) then good things happen. I tend not to be too spontaneous as I fill my day with teaching lessons, chores, family errands and volunteer opportunities. However, when I am spontaneous and drop by a friend's place unannounced as I know they are struggling with life then I am rewarded with a warm glow, a deepened friendship and a day that continues to be fulfilling.

I think of the Good Samaritan story and I reflect that it would be very easy to just walk on by because I would make myself late for an appointment or I would convince myself that I really couldn't help because I'm not qualified (if someone fell for instance). But I also know that I have stopped to help people in the past. Sometimes my act of kindness is rebuffed but I still am filled with satisfaction and warmth. Other times, I may do an act of kindness and forget about it. And then the person who was on the receiving end of that act will mention it to others even years later. We don't know how our small actions may speak to others.

What we consider a minor gift of time, may actually bring tremendous joy and appreciation to someone. We often don't know. In the same way, what may be an instant reaction of impatience on my part, may also linger in a negative way that I am not aware of. I think of passing the homeless people on the street who are begging for money. I'm always uncomfortable passing by them. Am I uncomfortable because I'm ignoring that inner nudge to help? Or am I uncomfortable because I'm passing a harsh judgement on them inside my thoughts? There is one man that has pages of poems that he says he has written and passes them out. They are computer generated and I wonder if they are really his own writings and musings. Did he just copy and print them from another source on the computer? Or are they really his own? I will give him money as he passes it to me because he has taken time to print them off. He's not just standing with a hat in hand hoping for generous donations. He's offering something in return. However, I did pass another gentleman early one morning as he sat on the hard sidewalk in the early summer morning. He was with a couple of friends who also had their hats out on the ground looking for donations. I was on my way to do some shopping and I ignored them. I, again, felt that inner nudge (conscience or Holy Spirit?). I concluded my shopping and as I passed by them again I thought "My life is full, I have family to love me, food in my cupboards/freezer and money to buy wants not necessarily needs". So I dug into my purse and gave each of the 3 men some money. I realize that the money might go to support a habit. But maybe that small amount of money might buy them some food. I don't know but I do know that the "inner nudging" disappeared and I felt a little better as I continued on my way down the main street.

Our actions do speak very clearly about who we are. As I write this, I am reminded of the very generous kindnesses and donation of time that our "hosts" in The Netherlands extended to my husband and I this past July. They didn't need to donate 2 days of their busy lives to showing us around the area where my great uncle was in WWII. But because they did, we saw things that we wouldn't have known about (the significance or the location). It meant everything to my husband and me. We continue to be in contact with them and continue to receive many blessings from them as they have become more than acquaintances.

For me, if my actions are based on "what would Jesus do?", I have a much better day. If that means "paying it forward", then that's what I do. (As I just re-read this, I inadvertently read it as "praying it forward"...for me that is just as beneficial!). If it means taking a few minutes out of a hectic but full life to spend time with someone or help them out, then that's what I should do. Our actions speak more than we know and resonate with others in ways that we don't always comprehend.