Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment with my oncologist (lymphoma specialist). I will be receiving the results from my bone marrow biopsy and my hip bone biopsy. I know that my doctor told me last week there was a very, very slim chance that the cancer would be in the bone or bone marrow but...there is a slim chance. This has made me a little anxious today. All I could think of is how can this cancer be growing inside me and spreading inside me and I didn't know.
This morning I had tea with a really good friend who has been by my side emotionally and with her support just 1 day after I found the lump back in November. She again helped me keep a positive attitude today as we talked about the cancer. She is a great friend because she didn't let me dwell on the cancer. We discussed other things as well and after my visit, I felt normal again. It was nice to be out and about and driving the van.
I also had tea with my minister today. This is a new friendship/relationship which is developing. I guess the cancer has helped to accelerate this friendship as the minister is fairly new to my congregation. I guess there are always positive aspects to every situation we have to deal with.
Another positive, is my 14 year old daughter decided to make supper tonight. This is one of the first full meals she has made. She made chicken burgers from scratch with homemade (from scratch) breading. Her gift of a meal was well received by the whole family and was very tasty. She did get some help from her dad as she worked with hot oil.
My anxiety over tomorrow's results has shown up as impatience with myself for not being able to help out with cleaning up supper or putting Christmas decorations away or doing laundry, cleaning the house, etc. All because I get breathless and fatigued. Although it was well worth going out and visiting and feeling normal today, I'm paying for it tonight. My neck feels more swollen and I'm quite tired.
I'm feeling guilty, lazy and useless as I watch my husband (who is quite tired himself from not sleeping) spend the evening busily taking down the Christmas decorations. It is really hard to be selfish and not "do" and "go" all the time. I think this may be a real challenge during my healing time.
It was nice that my daughter had a brief conversation (as only 14 yr. old daughters can) with me today. It saddened me that my 14 yr. old should have to be dealing with the possibility that her mother may not make it. She should be carefree, visiting with friends, doing hair, shopping....not worrying about whether cancer is going to steal her mother away too soon. The word "saddened" does not quite show the depth of emotion I felt and feel when I think of my children having to deal with this terrible disease. I guess there's also some anger mixed in there too. Good....the anger will be used as determination that this will be beaten.
I'm going to close for today on a positive note. Scott and I have received so many best wishes, good thoughts, prayers and offers of help and support from friends close by and from afar. I don't think our friends and family know the wonderful glow of warmth and love I feel with each and every offer and comment. Many of these have been done through email and I'm saving each and every one so that when I get down (like I was briefly tonight), I can pull myself out of the doldrums and feel everyone's positive vibes and prayers. Thank you all for your support so far.
As women and mothers, we tend to want to take on the whole load, but now is the time that you need to be 'selfish'. That 'selfishness' will help you to heal. Your husband, your kids...they all love you, and they are more than happy to take on the load while you work towards getting better. I'm sorry for Lindsay, too, and I want you to know that she can come visit any time; she is the best of friends with Alex, which is something we all need, and I their wonderful friendship will be a good support system for her, too. And be as angry as you want to be. You have the right.
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