Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Day 14 - 2nd Chemo Cycle

It is so nice to feel good and able to be "normal" for a while.  Who knew that one day I would be happy to be the family chauffeur again.  It felt really good to be able to drive the van, take my husband to work, pick up my daughter from curling and pick my husband up from work.  I watched a movie this afternoon ("Brokeback Mountain") while I knitted.  I did rest for a bit this afernoon as well because I was tired from yesterday.  This is probably because my red blood cells are low.  I was going to make dinner, but then Scott offered and I was happy to just sit.  Then after dinner, Scott and I went to Chapters and I bought some books using some gift cards that students and friends have given me.  While there, I noticed that I have a bloodshot eye.  I'll have to keep an eye (pardon the pun) on it as it could be a sign of my platelets being low.  We were going to go to Starbucks afterwards but the outing tired us out so we went home.  We'll hit Starbucks another time.

I guess I upset Scott last night.  We were helping our daughter choose her course load for next year.  The paper required a parent's signature and I suggested to Scott that he should sign the form.  He wondered why I didn't want to sign the form.  I tried to explain my reasoning, but he didn't understand it and then it concerned him and upset him.  My reason for not wanting to sign the form was that it was for next year.  My thoughts were there is the possibility (or "what if") that something might go terribly wrong in my treatments and I might not be here next year.  I didn't want the form to be null and void because of my signature being on it and I wouldn't be here.  My reasoning was that it might make things difficult/convoluted next year for Scott if it is my signature but I'm no longer around.  Scott took this to mean that I was not being positive and that I'm perhaps giving up or being negative.  That wasn't what I was thinking at all.  I was just being realistic and facing a "what if" that is subconsiously always there.  We discussed this again this morning and I think we worked it all out.  You could look at it as "what if" I was hit by a car, or Scott was hit by a car, etc.  Perhaps we're all a little more sensitive right now about our mortality.  I'm not giving up.  I have too much to live for.  This whole misunderstanding reminds me that I need to not look at the "what ifs".  I need to remember "one breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time".  In other words, don't look too far ahead.

It was really nice to visit with my neighbours tonight when I came home from Chapters.  It was again a sense of normality during an abnormal time.  I'm looking forward to when we can get together at the end of all the treatments.  It was really refreshing to get some fresh outdoor air while visiting with my neighbours.

I'm tired now so I'll retire for the night.  Maybe tomorrow I'll go for a walk and get some more fresh air.  It's just so nice to get out and about.

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