Today was another day of feeling nausea and constipation. Unfortunately, it wasn't a good day. As a result, I didn't even have the energy to read or knit or watch tv. I slept this morning for most of the morning. When I didn't sleep, I was thinking and connecting with myself in a profound way.
I'm going to try to write what I was thinking in a competent way, but it may be rather disjointed. I'm feeling like I'm not able to do my "job" as a mother. I see my daughter struggling to adjust to her second semester of Grade 9. I want to be there to support her, but this cancer and the side effects are interfering with my ability to be alert enough to talk with her, to support her. I don't have enough energy to think before I speak and then I'm not helping her as there are misunderstandings. I'm angry because cancer has stolen my opportunities to help, to grow close with my daughter. I feel like I'm washing my hands of her care and I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. THE CANCER IS KEEPING ME FROM BEING A MOTHER!!!!! This is so unfair to all of us. I'm not there to guide, supervise, help my children. I'm not there to help my husband as he valiantly tries to step forward and be a mother and father all at the same time. This means not just emotionally but also in coordinating all the activities, responsibilities and chores. Today, my thoughts turned to "perhaps this is a training time for when I'm no longer here". Then the thought was "I'M NOT GIVING UP!" But the "what ifs" are lurking at the corner of my thoughts all the time. When I'm physically weak like I have been the last 2 days, it is very difficult to keep the self-discipline of my thoughts. While I'm feeling this ill from the side effects, it takes all my energy to just exist physically and there's not much left for the emotional strength. Normally this is when I lean on my faith and also distractions like reading, knitting or watching tv. Yesterday and today, I had to turn my fears, my weaknesses, my anger and my anxieties over to God because there just isn't any energy for the distractions. It's just too much for me to do on my own. My mantra yesterday and today was "one breath at a time".
I forced myself to eat some toast this morning. Then I had a piece of bread and a tiny bowl of soup around 1 p.m. because the thought of eating just turned my stomach. I know that these physical and psychological symptoms are due to side effects. When I can think of the symptoms and know they come from the chemo, then it helps but just a tiny bit. The "down" psychological and physical turn is due to the prednisone. When I come off of my dosage, the doctor did tell me that the following 2 days will be "down" days. This cycle, it is worse than the first cycle. Anyway, I did have a couple cups of green ginger tea which has seemed to help with the digestion.
I must say that I think I'm starting to climb out of the crater of the last 2 days. It is currently 4:30 in the afternoon as I write this and I can feel my mind becoming a little more focused and sharp. The stomach on the other hand is still gurgling. Let's hope it gets better as the evening progresses and that tomorrow will be a better day. Having said all that, I'm still tired and dragged out.
Take a bow Cathy, you've done so well up until these last couple of day. Be good to yourself. I'm reminded of the poem "footprints", I won't write it but I'm sure you've read it, sometimes we need to be carried, today sounds like one of those days. I'll pray for you that tommorro will be better.
ReplyDeleteYou've been doing an incredible job of trying to keep it all together, and I, for one, am inspired by you. I wish better days ahead for you, Cathy. I hope today is one of them.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Cathy. Don't be so hard on yourself - you are doing the very best you can, and you are a good mother! Even if you cannot do as much as you would like, you are loving your kids and being there for them as best you can. That is what being a mom is all about. Take care, and don't feel bad about being tired / resting when you need to - your body needs this time to recover and help you get well. Hang in there, and I pray that today is a better day. x
ReplyDeleteAll that was in my head through reading this Cathy was the 100% absolute certainty that you will make it through. I cannot begin to imagine how hard and frustrating this is for you, but know that my prayers are always with you. Just after I wake and before I head to bed, my mind is on you and, without a single doubt, I know you will pull through.
ReplyDeleteBlessings of hope and love.
P.S. I'll see you in June!