Discouragement and Frustration

So now it's back to reality.  I've had a wonderful vacation in California for the last 2 weeks.  Before that I've been leisurely enjoying my summer as my body healed from 5 months of chemotherapy.  Now it is time to tackle cleaning my house which I've not done since November 2011.  It had a good cleaning done in March when my sister-in-law helped me out.

The frustration and discouragement comes from within.  Even before I was diagnosed with Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma, I was dragging and had no energy.  It took everything I had to juggle my responsibilities as a music teacher, mother, wife, housekeeper, gardener, maid, cook, chauffeur and social planner/family secretary.  I have always tried to fill these roles by going above and beyond to my own detriment.  I would become a bitchy, grumpy complainer.  While I was sick, I was assured that life in my home would change.  I had my doubts but I decided that for my own benefit I also needed to change and I also needed to trust what I was being told.  I've let my home go and put up with the increasing garbage, clutter and dirt.  I've tried to stay cheerful and positive as I do recognize in that in the scheme of life, it really doesn't matter if my house is dirty.  However......when my house is clean, neat and fresh smelling, I feel relaxed and at peace.  I have always felt chaotic inside when I'm surrounded by a messy, dirty house.

So why does this come up now after months of feeling at peace while I meditate and pray amongst the chaos?  I don't know.  I'm assuming I must be starting to feel better and stronger.  I also know that I have proven to my family once again that I am fallible.  I lost it yesterday and I'm still out of sorts today.  It's time to tidy up the house and give it a full, deep cleaning.  I intend to start teaching in a few weeks and because I teach out of my home, I like to have it clean and tidy.  I have for many years been able to overlook my children's rooms by closing their doors.  I've always asked them to keep them clean but it doesn't happen.  Rather than nag ad nauseum, I would close the doors.  Now the "slime of clutter" seems to have oozed out of their bedrooms, down the hall into the living room, down the stairs to the "man cave" and into the music studio.  My husband built his man cave with the intent that it become his own personal refuge and haven.  At the time, I stated that it is his room and he is responsible for keeping it clean and tidy.  Unfortunately, he has somehow lost his man cave to the teenagers.  The slime of messiness has overtaken his man cave.

My intention today and this week is to take back my home and push the slime of mess and dirt back to where it originated from.  I'm also hoping, perhaps unrealistically, that the teenage bedrooms will also be tackled by the teenagers that dwell in them.  I certainly can relate with the cartoon strip "Zits".
My own personal challenge is cleaning up without feeling like the family's maid and garbage engineer.  For some reason, cleaning puts me in a terrible mood.  Perhaps it is the tape that starts to play in my head where I feel like a servant that is given no respect.  Perhaps the anger and frustration is used as a motivator to get me cleaning 110% for hours on end.  I don't like this and I want to change.  Like I mentioned earlier, I'm out of sorts again today.  So perhaps I'll put on the nature music channel that helped me through my treatments and I'll clean to the sounds of waves, birds, animals and soothing music.

There is so much that I want to change about myself.  I've been working at it for many years and just when I think I've made some improvements.....BAM....I've slipped right back into where I was years ago.  In some ways, I feel like a failure.  When my children were little, I worked with them to clean up their toys throughout the house and their bedrooms.  We used to sing a little song that goes "Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere.  Clean up, clean up, everybody do their share."  Somewhere along the line, the message didn't get through and I've failed in my roles as a mother, a housekeeper, maid and gardener.  Now you may be thinking, "Why is she sitting there blogging at 9 a.m. when she could be working on the things that are making her disgruntled?"  Well, I want to get going on the cleaning, but I have to wait for my teenagers to get up out of their beds so I can vacuum.

Anyway, I guess today's post isn't as happy and positive.  I'll get along now and start at the dusting.  That can be done quietly.  See you tomorrow.