As my blog has shown, I have had a fantastic time of relief from doctors' appointments, tests and treatments. I have enjoyed a great holiday, outings with friends and visits with friends and family. I've lived in the moment and lived one day at a time. Carpe diem....seize the day...wring as much joy out of my existence as I can.
I knew that I had another rituxan maintenance chemo treatment coming up in September. I thought it would be the end of September. I got a reality check yesterday afternoon when the chemo lab called with my appointment for my treatment. It is on Thursday.....of this week. As usual, I will have a check up with my oncologist the day before.....that's tomorrow.
This reality check came after another weekend of fun with my hubby and with friends. I went to the Craft Beer and Ribfest on Saturday afternoon, had a campfire with really good friends on Saturday night and went with Hubby to the Multicultural Festival on Sunday. This was after finally making it to church on Sunday morning where I met up with my "church family" who I haven't seen in many months. It was a morning full of warmth and love. I enjoyed the food and activity at the Multicultural Festival. But....while I enjoyed my weekend, I also was struggling with an eye infection which has now spread to both eyes. I also had an infection develop in a scratch on my hand while I was away on holidays. The scratch has fully healed but these infections worry me because it is a reminder that my immune system is not 100%. I think this is only the third eye infection in my life. I bought drops on Sunday but they don't seem to be helping. I will be mentioning this to my oncologist tomorrow.
My sudden appointments this week and the eye infections are a harsh reminder that all is not rosy in my world. I can live life to the fullest. This is not keeping me down but it is a reminder that my immune system is not and may not ever function at 100%. This is a reminder that, yes, there is no cure for the follicular lymphoma. This is a reminder that my life is probably shortened and I need to live just one day at a time. So I'm in the process of making arrangements for transportation to my treatment on Thursday. I can drive myself there but my mind will be impaired after the treatment and I probably shouldn't drive home. As a compromise and so I am not an imposition, I will probably take the bus to my treatment. Then I just need to find a ride home.
So after living life fully for the summer, I am back to living with some anxiety regarding infections. Is this a downturn of my health? Is the lymphoma working on me more again? Will I have to go for more tests again? I find it ironic that this all is happening as our weather has turned cool, grey, dreary and rainy. I am not going to wallow in this dreary, emotional place but I am acknowledging it so that I can move upwards and onwards. The rituxan treatment will make me feel like I have the flu and I will be very tired. I will feel cold. I will ache. I will have headaches/sinus aches. I may feel nauseous again. On Thursday, I will receive some benadryl before the treatment which will make me very tired and sleepy.
As I was writing this last paragraph, it is grey and raining outside. I looked out my living room window from my couch and I saw two small children waiting for the school bus across the street. They are wearing brightly coloured boots that popped against the grey morning. The little boy is wearing a bright blue raincoat. His older sister is wearing a bright pink scarf at the neck of her dark blue raincoat. Their mom is waiting with them and has rusty coloured lab-kind of dog on a leash. The dog is bright eyed and alert as he/she hears the bus coming. The ears are pointed forward as he/she looks up the street. The tail is up and alert.This was a beautiful splash of colour in life that has appeared just as I was feeling sorry for myself.
Life is worth living each day fully. I do have a raincoat. Perhaps I'll put it on and go for a walk in the drizzle. I need to pick up a bicycle helmet so that I can take out my "new" (to me) bike and learn to ride again. Or I'll put on my raincoat and play in my garden in the drizzle. Fear can take me to a dark place if I let it. I am not going to let it take me there. So yes....I've had a reality check and reminder of how things are and may be. I have no timeline except for the appointments this week. So why waste a day feeling sorry for myself when I can seize it and walk in the rain. According to the television, it will be warmer today. Why not indulge and walk in the rain. Maybe go geocaching. Maybe pick more tomatoes. Maybe just walk. Maybe I'll just buy myself some nice bright red rubber boots like the little girl across the street. Carpe diem....seize the day!
You have been through so much, Cathy. It's almost impossible not to experience anxiety. The fall season with its shortening of days certainly doesn't help. But just imagine all the autumn splendour that will arrive soon when the colours of the leaves start to change. We will be surrounded by beautiful pops of colour!
ReplyDeleteThank you Martha for your support over the years. I did notice on our trip through Northern Ontario in August that the trees were starting to change colour. Just last night, while out for a walk, Hubby and I noticed the trees near home starting to change colour. The days are getting shorter and this does play with my emotions. I know this about myself. The challenge continues to be to embrace each day fully. And yes, the "beautiful pops of colour" are going to help.
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