The laundry is started. I can hear the machine whirring away downstairs as I sit on my comfortable couch with my legs up. I have a cup of fresh, hot coffee sitting beside me so I can sip on it while I blog. The light in the stable, that a friend made for me many, many years ago, is lit and highlights the figures of Mary, Infant Jesus, the 3 wisemen, the little shepherd boy standing back with a lamb in his arms, the angel and the various animals (including the camel). Joseph isn't there because my cat Frodo knocked him over several years ago and broke his head off. The Advent candles are lit. My Christmas tree lights are on. Daylight is just beginning to brighten the day outdoors as seen through my windows. Yesterday it was 10 degrees Celsius here and the ground was green. This morning, the ground is white. The rooftops are white. The street light across from our home is highlighting the snow on the branches on the maple tree nearby. The neighbourhood is not stirring yet, although I do see lights blinking on in some of the homes as people are waking up. There has been a couple of cars drive slowly past as the roads look to be a little icy. This is my view from my couch where I am settled in to write.
The Art of Being Peace-Filled. That title says it all in one little sentence. Peace isn't always an easy thing to find or be. Our world is filled with lots of distractions. There's the noise of cars and machinery. There's the mind's distraction of our electronic devices. These detractors from our ability to be peace-filled are games, news, social media, texting, emails, and the list goes on.We need to learn and practise the art of being peace-filled. For me, it is important to start my day with some quiet time. Today that includes my candles, my Nativity scene, the drapes open and seeing the quiet peaceful and snowy outdoors. I much prefer to look at a country scene. We moved from a rural area to the city 18 years ago. I grew up in the city but I spent time at my grandparents farm and enjoyed rural areas much more than the city. Living in a rural setting confirmed to me that it is where I am happiest. The city is harder to be peace-filled. There's noise. There's traffic. There's lots of people walking their dogs by the house. So I have had to adjust and learn to be peace-filled even with all the distractions. So I start with a quiet morning. I get mesmerized by the flames dancing on the candles. I stare at them and see the round glow of the flame. It calms my mind. It calms my body. It calms my soul.
Throughout the day, especially during the Christmas season, there will be moment where my peace is shattered. News of someone's illness taking a grave downward turn will shatter my peace. The grief I feel for my friend who died in the summer pulls at the edges of my peace-filled soul and helps to weaken it. I grieve but I still work to practise being peace-filled. The hustle and bustle in the stores and on the roads can erode the peacefulness that I work to keep. At this time of year, other people are stressed. Some of them are rude. Some of them are grumpy. These negative emotions and behaviours are insidious and before you know it, the employees are grumpy. There are no smiles. People become "automated" as they use their "practised, public, customer-service phrases". So how do I achieve a peace-filled being despite these detractors throughout the day? I stop rushing. As I shop in the stores, I keep in the back of my mind, the peaceful morning that I had. I think ahead to spending time with the people that truly matter to me. These are my friends and family. I also live in the moment and enjoy the Christmas music that is playing is generally cheerful as I march through the stores. On the roads, when someone cuts me off, I think that's OK, I'm not in a hurry. I practise courtesy when I'm driving. If someone is wanting to move over and there's no room, I slow down and make room for them. I feel good.
This is a busy season and it is hard to stay peaceful. So when I leave a store, I get in the car and take a couple of deep breaths. It's like cleansing all the negative "stuff" out. Throwing off the cloak of the affect of other people's problems. Is this always easy? No it isn't. I wrote my blog on Thursday about illness, dying and reflecting on the poem that day. Later on Thursday, I heard about someone I know getting bad news about their cancer. The treatment didn't work. It is not good news. I was sad. This person went through chemo at the same time I did. We saw each other at the public health nurses' office to have our dressings changed and cleaned. So on Thursday, when I heard about this person, I was sad. I questioned why? Why am I doing and feeling well? Why did this not work for this person? Did I feel peaceful? No, I didn't. I delayed going to a Christmas party until I managed to get my emotional self a little more balanced. I was late for the party, but that was OK. I needed to spend time alone to process the sad information before I could be among other people celebrating Christmas.
Hubby was at the Christmas party waiting for me and looking for me. He knew something wasn't right when I was not arriving on time. I'm always a stickler for arriving on time. I was 45 minutes late. He organized this party and was busy circulating but he noticed when I arrived and he felt relieved. I didn't tell him why I was late. I didn't want to ruin his night. I waited and I told him after we were back at home later in the evening. We discussed. We commiserated with each other and we feel really bad for this person's family. What a terrible time of year to get the news that your treatment didn't work! I don't know what to do for this person and their family. So Thursday night, to help reclaim a sense of peace, I played a mindless electronic game. It has a rhythm to it that calms my mind. I needed to calm myself before going to bed to sleep for the night. It was late. I saw a message come in on my laptop, asking if I was still up. It was from a lady who was/is the best friend of my friend that passed away in the summer. I replied to her, "Yes, I'm still up. Do you want to call me?"
My attempt to calm my soul, mind and body was about to be shattered again. The phone rang and I talked with my deceased friend's friend for about an hour. We cried together. We grieved together. We really miss our mutual friend. After the phone call ended, I was an emotional mess again. Honestly, my grief for my friend has been freshened and sharpened in the last week or so. She died in July, but every Christmas we would chat on the phone. We would exchange Christmas cards through the mail. I miss her. I miss our sporadic but spontaneous phone calls. After our mutual friend's phone call on Thursday night, all my sadness and grief was fresh and heightened again. This in combination with the information that I had received earlier in the day was enough to completely shatter any remaining dregs of peace I had. Hubby had long since gone to bed for the night. I was up and meditating, thinking, and praying. Praying for my deceased friend's friend. Praying that she can progress in her grieving process. Praying for the family of the person whose health is deteriorating. Praying for myself. Thinking why?! I cried. It was good to cleanse my soul that way. I eventually made my way to my bed, but I was far from feeling peaceful. I didn't sleep well Thursday night. When I don't sleep, I pray. I meditate. Eventually at 4 a.m., I fell asleep only to be shocked awake by the phone ringing at 6:30 a.m. I was afraid something was wrong with my mom or my father-in-law. Why else does the phone shatter your sleep in the middle of the night?! Oh wait....it was morning already. By the way, the phone call was a telemarketer. Grrrr....
So much for being peace-filled and starting my morning calmly. This is why it is an art. It is something to be practised. Being peace-filled is an ongoing journey. I did a better job of it yesterday. I started out with my candles, fireplace channel, Christmas lights, etc. I did my grocery shopping. I genuinely smiled at other shoppers and cashiers. I delivered our "Advent Basket" to the food bank. Throughout the month of December, Hubby and I added one item to the basket each day. It was overflowing, so I delivered it yesterday after I had finished my grocery shopping. This project made me feel good every time I put something in the basket. When I dropped it off at the food bank, they were so appreciative! It put another smile on my face and a peaceful glow inside me.
When I have days that are not easy, I sometimes rely on the memories of the rural area where Hubby and I lived and started our family. It was our first home. Our 2 children arrived while we lived there. It was on a paved country road. We were surrounded by cornfields. Across the road was a bush. In the winter, there was lots and lots of snow. We didn't have a dishwasher but while I washed my dishes by hand, I could look out the window and see the bush. The snow would blanket the ground and trees and it was peaceful. The memories of playing outside with my children in the deep snow brings calm and happy feelings to my soul. Hubby and I would pick the kids up and throw them into the soft deep snow. The giggles and laughter echoing across the fields just added to the joy we felt. These memories are precious and still give me peace when I need it most. In the winter, the cornfields would be covered with snow. Sometimes, we would see deer way back behind the house on the edge of the woods. We would see foxes and hear wolves at night as their howls and yips echoed through the night. One time, we even saw a moose exit the bush across the road, cross the road, walk across our yard and into the snowy cornfield behind the house. Another time, I was hanging my laundry on the clothesline and heard a "whoosh, whoosh". I looked up and saw a big blue heron fly right overtop of me. I ran into the house and got my very young son to look out his bedroom window. There was the heron standing on the ground in close, perfect view! These memories help fill my soul with peace on bad days.
So try to find what quiet activity helps give you calm and peace in the morning (or evening). Do something nice for somebody without getting anything tangible in return. You might just find that living in the moment mindfully and positively will translate into being peaceful and calm. As always, these are just my thoughts....
Saturday, 22 December 2018
Wednesday, 19 December 2018
Reflecting on Illness, the Prospect of Death and Dying
Several months ago, I had the opportunity to read again the book "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. I had read this book many, many years ago when I was in university. Earlier this year, at my request, it was loaned to me to read again. In this book, there was a poem by Rabindranath Tagore called "Fruit Gathering". As I read this poem, I was resting on my patio, enjoying the warm sunshine, the birds fluttering and singing, and being alive. I wanted to remember this poem as I wanted to use it as a reflection in the blog. So....today as I rest up from all the hustle and bustle of preparing for Christmas, it is time to write the reflective post. My television is on the "Ambiance" channel where there is a fire dancing and crackling on the screen with Christmas music softly playing in the background. A peaceful time for sure!
Fruit Gathering
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them."
We can pray to be saved from being ill, facing separation from family or divorce. We can pray to God to keep us from experiencing these stressful situations. But sometimes, we don't get what we pray for. Sometimes the answer is no. I don't know about you, but I don't like being told "No." I never have liked that answer. What I like about this line from the poem is that we're encouraged to pray for assistance in being fearless in facing the tough times. Fearless. Thinking on that, it is HARD. It is tiring to be fearless. I don't think we can ever be totally fearless but we can muster what little courage we have and stare down the tough times. When I was told that my lymphoma had returned, I knew that second time is not good news. Your odds to beat it are less. So, I put one foot in front of the other to go through the process of immediate chemo and then the stem cell transplant. I was told the stem cell transplant might not work. I was told to be prepared for a descent into poor health and perhaps death. I needed to get my affairs in order. Was I scared? Hell, yes!!! Was I sheltered from the dangers? No! But....was I fearless in facing them? No. I was full of fear. And then I prayed for help to ease the anxiety. That did help to reduce my fear but not eliminate it. My support network of family and friends truly helped me to have the courage to face the unknown and perhaps failed health. I think that we actually grow into better people through these trials. I don't want to go through difficult times. But I will use them to reflect and seize the small good moments to enjoy. Is that being fearless? I don't know. I do know that my follicular lymphoma will return. There is no cure. So while I have good moments, I will enjoy them fully. Is that being fearless in facing dangers? Maybe. Who knows? I just refuse to dwell on the "what ifs". As I have maintenance chemo treatments and deal with side effects, I look forward to when those side effects lessen. Then I fill my time with good things like time spent with friends and family. Celebrations. Visits. Great Food. Because a time will come where I will have to work hard at being fearless. It's easy when you feel good. It takes a determined effort to focus on the love of family and friends when the going gets rough. Maybe that determined effort reflects itself as being fearless. Just thoughts to ponder.
"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it."
Well, I have to say that I am so thankful for medication. When the pain of cancer keeps you from sleeping, then you feel even worse. Pain medication helps to dull the pain. It doesn't "still the pain" but it does help to give me "the heart to conquer it". There are other ways to help conquer pain. Deep breathing and focusing inwards can help. Focusing on where the pain is and using imagery to have it dissolve. Meditation can also help. Yoga can help. When the pain becomes too much, then that is when I want to be able to turn to the medical community for medication. In my experience with having had a child by C-section and my second child "normally", our minds are very good at overcoming pain. If we can use our minds to help us relax fully, then it can help with the pain, at least in my experiences. I have also witnessed family and friends deal with "end of life" cancer. A disease that slowly kills them. At the end, there is lots of pain. I don't look forward to when I am at that stage. I know that I will use my meditation and focusing techniques as long as I can. I also know that I will reach for pain medication as the pain gets unbearable. This line in the poem reminds me that the need to have a "heart to conquer" the pain is imperative. Live through it. Again, as much as possible, grab those moments with family and friends. The love. The support. And yes, the pain meds. All of this adds up to having "the heart to conquer the pain." But, of course, my opinion may just change when I reach the end of life stage in the cancer journey.
"Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield but to my own strengths."
Well......doesn't this line just blow all my previous thoughts out of the water! It's telling me to "look to my own strengths". OK. Well, I guess that means that friends and family are human beings and, as a result, may let me down. I shouldn't rely totally on them to carry me through my difficult times. I need to still rely on myself and my ability to "look at the world with rose coloured glasses". For me, I think my strength in "life's battlefield" (based on my alone moments dealing with diagnoses, chemo, side effects, weakness and my hospital stay) is taking small moments and finding the joy in them. How can you find joy in chemo side effects?! When your bowels are affected, your stomach is affected, you lose all your hair and you lose your strength, how on earth do you find joy in this stuff?! For me, it has been watching nature when I'm too weak to do anything but sit or even lay. Finding joy in moments when the nursing staff is supportive as you vomit all your medications and food in a little container. I found joy from visitors dropping in or short emails on my computer. I found joy when the mail would arrive at home and there would be little notes of encouragement. As I deliberately looked for these small moments of comfort and pleasantness, it helped me face the "battle". I always said that it was the support of family and friends, but.....maybe I see that it was also my own strength to refuse to dwell on the crappy situations. I do know that I live in the present. Lymphoma has taught me to do that. Then there is no anxiety about what or when something else is going to happen. Enjoy the moment. Sometimes, I can't enjoy the moment. Just last week, I was hanging out the side door of the car on the side of the highway emptying my stomach contents. There is no joy in that. But...I lived in the moment and knew that there would be another good moment....I just didn't know when. Is that strength? Maybe. No one can make us happy but ourselves and maybe that is the key to having the strength to face and endure life's battles.
"Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but hope for the patience to win my freedom."
My faith is a big part of me. My faith that I will be carried/walked through death with Jesus by my side fully takes away my anxiety about dying. "Hope for the patience to win my freedom" is a really good phrase to reflect how I feel about death. I believe (and hope) that the journey through death will be like winning my freedom. Freedom from pain. Freedom from illness. Freedom from conflict with people. Freedom from misunderstandings. FREEDOM period!! Oh yes.....I do not crave to be saved because of anxious fear. If I crave to be saved, it is because I would like to be around to be part of my children's lives as they embark on their journeys through life. I would like to be around to be part of Hubby's life. But I'm not living in fear. I live with HOPE. Hope for a cure in my lifetime. Hope and a firm knowledge that I will be united with Jesus, God and family members that have died before me. This will be a joyous time!! I will see my Dad!!! I haven't seen him since 1991. I will see my Grandpa!! I haven't seen him since 1986. I can feel myself getting excited with anticipation already. I will meet my Uncle Russell (who I've written about in this blog in 2014) for the first time!!! So the important phrase in this line for me is "Hope for the patience to win my freedom". Oh yes!! In the meantime, I will enjoy my time here.
"Grant me that I may not be a coward, feeling your mercy in my success alone; but let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure."
Now this is interesting! On Sunday, my minister's reflection was on Failure and how we are all human and we will all fail, but it is through failure that we experience and live life fully. Again, I read this line of the poem through the lens of my faith. "Let me find the grasp of your hand..." This part of the phrase gives me comfort. Jesus holding my hand as my body fails. In 2012, I remember one of the side effects of chemo made me go into a "deep hole" mentally, emotionally and physically. I can remember just being able to lay in bed, too weak to move. I really felt like God was cradling me in the palm of His hand as my body was failing to thrive. "Let me find the grasp of your hand". Oh this so describes what that felt like in 2012.....and again in 2017. After my stem cell transplant, my body in reaction to the high dose chemo started to sink and weaken. The blood levels were dropping. The white cells, red cells and everything were tanking. This was normal but I truly felt "the grasp of God's hand" as my body was failing and weakening. The nurses and the doctors warned me this weakening was going to take place and that my body would get stronger as my body started to create new stem cells and manufacture new blood. I just had to go through the valley of feeling like garbage first. I really like this last line of the poem. I find it is full of hope and comfort.
What a wonderful poem this is. I'm glad I wrote it down. I have since returned the Elisabeth Kubler Ross book back to its rightful owner. I now have this poem for eternity and I can refer to it as I need it. Again, these are just my thoughts and ramblings. They have allowed me to rest and enjoy a "fire" and some Christmas music this afternoon.
Fruit Gathering
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them."
We can pray to be saved from being ill, facing separation from family or divorce. We can pray to God to keep us from experiencing these stressful situations. But sometimes, we don't get what we pray for. Sometimes the answer is no. I don't know about you, but I don't like being told "No." I never have liked that answer. What I like about this line from the poem is that we're encouraged to pray for assistance in being fearless in facing the tough times. Fearless. Thinking on that, it is HARD. It is tiring to be fearless. I don't think we can ever be totally fearless but we can muster what little courage we have and stare down the tough times. When I was told that my lymphoma had returned, I knew that second time is not good news. Your odds to beat it are less. So, I put one foot in front of the other to go through the process of immediate chemo and then the stem cell transplant. I was told the stem cell transplant might not work. I was told to be prepared for a descent into poor health and perhaps death. I needed to get my affairs in order. Was I scared? Hell, yes!!! Was I sheltered from the dangers? No! But....was I fearless in facing them? No. I was full of fear. And then I prayed for help to ease the anxiety. That did help to reduce my fear but not eliminate it. My support network of family and friends truly helped me to have the courage to face the unknown and perhaps failed health. I think that we actually grow into better people through these trials. I don't want to go through difficult times. But I will use them to reflect and seize the small good moments to enjoy. Is that being fearless? I don't know. I do know that my follicular lymphoma will return. There is no cure. So while I have good moments, I will enjoy them fully. Is that being fearless in facing dangers? Maybe. Who knows? I just refuse to dwell on the "what ifs". As I have maintenance chemo treatments and deal with side effects, I look forward to when those side effects lessen. Then I fill my time with good things like time spent with friends and family. Celebrations. Visits. Great Food. Because a time will come where I will have to work hard at being fearless. It's easy when you feel good. It takes a determined effort to focus on the love of family and friends when the going gets rough. Maybe that determined effort reflects itself as being fearless. Just thoughts to ponder.
"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it."
Well, I have to say that I am so thankful for medication. When the pain of cancer keeps you from sleeping, then you feel even worse. Pain medication helps to dull the pain. It doesn't "still the pain" but it does help to give me "the heart to conquer it". There are other ways to help conquer pain. Deep breathing and focusing inwards can help. Focusing on where the pain is and using imagery to have it dissolve. Meditation can also help. Yoga can help. When the pain becomes too much, then that is when I want to be able to turn to the medical community for medication. In my experience with having had a child by C-section and my second child "normally", our minds are very good at overcoming pain. If we can use our minds to help us relax fully, then it can help with the pain, at least in my experiences. I have also witnessed family and friends deal with "end of life" cancer. A disease that slowly kills them. At the end, there is lots of pain. I don't look forward to when I am at that stage. I know that I will use my meditation and focusing techniques as long as I can. I also know that I will reach for pain medication as the pain gets unbearable. This line in the poem reminds me that the need to have a "heart to conquer" the pain is imperative. Live through it. Again, as much as possible, grab those moments with family and friends. The love. The support. And yes, the pain meds. All of this adds up to having "the heart to conquer the pain." But, of course, my opinion may just change when I reach the end of life stage in the cancer journey.
"Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield but to my own strengths."
Well......doesn't this line just blow all my previous thoughts out of the water! It's telling me to "look to my own strengths". OK. Well, I guess that means that friends and family are human beings and, as a result, may let me down. I shouldn't rely totally on them to carry me through my difficult times. I need to still rely on myself and my ability to "look at the world with rose coloured glasses". For me, I think my strength in "life's battlefield" (based on my alone moments dealing with diagnoses, chemo, side effects, weakness and my hospital stay) is taking small moments and finding the joy in them. How can you find joy in chemo side effects?! When your bowels are affected, your stomach is affected, you lose all your hair and you lose your strength, how on earth do you find joy in this stuff?! For me, it has been watching nature when I'm too weak to do anything but sit or even lay. Finding joy in moments when the nursing staff is supportive as you vomit all your medications and food in a little container. I found joy from visitors dropping in or short emails on my computer. I found joy when the mail would arrive at home and there would be little notes of encouragement. As I deliberately looked for these small moments of comfort and pleasantness, it helped me face the "battle". I always said that it was the support of family and friends, but.....maybe I see that it was also my own strength to refuse to dwell on the crappy situations. I do know that I live in the present. Lymphoma has taught me to do that. Then there is no anxiety about what or when something else is going to happen. Enjoy the moment. Sometimes, I can't enjoy the moment. Just last week, I was hanging out the side door of the car on the side of the highway emptying my stomach contents. There is no joy in that. But...I lived in the moment and knew that there would be another good moment....I just didn't know when. Is that strength? Maybe. No one can make us happy but ourselves and maybe that is the key to having the strength to face and endure life's battles.
"Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but hope for the patience to win my freedom."
My faith is a big part of me. My faith that I will be carried/walked through death with Jesus by my side fully takes away my anxiety about dying. "Hope for the patience to win my freedom" is a really good phrase to reflect how I feel about death. I believe (and hope) that the journey through death will be like winning my freedom. Freedom from pain. Freedom from illness. Freedom from conflict with people. Freedom from misunderstandings. FREEDOM period!! Oh yes.....I do not crave to be saved because of anxious fear. If I crave to be saved, it is because I would like to be around to be part of my children's lives as they embark on their journeys through life. I would like to be around to be part of Hubby's life. But I'm not living in fear. I live with HOPE. Hope for a cure in my lifetime. Hope and a firm knowledge that I will be united with Jesus, God and family members that have died before me. This will be a joyous time!! I will see my Dad!!! I haven't seen him since 1991. I will see my Grandpa!! I haven't seen him since 1986. I can feel myself getting excited with anticipation already. I will meet my Uncle Russell (who I've written about in this blog in 2014) for the first time!!! So the important phrase in this line for me is "Hope for the patience to win my freedom". Oh yes!! In the meantime, I will enjoy my time here.
"Grant me that I may not be a coward, feeling your mercy in my success alone; but let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure."
Now this is interesting! On Sunday, my minister's reflection was on Failure and how we are all human and we will all fail, but it is through failure that we experience and live life fully. Again, I read this line of the poem through the lens of my faith. "Let me find the grasp of your hand..." This part of the phrase gives me comfort. Jesus holding my hand as my body fails. In 2012, I remember one of the side effects of chemo made me go into a "deep hole" mentally, emotionally and physically. I can remember just being able to lay in bed, too weak to move. I really felt like God was cradling me in the palm of His hand as my body was failing to thrive. "Let me find the grasp of your hand". Oh this so describes what that felt like in 2012.....and again in 2017. After my stem cell transplant, my body in reaction to the high dose chemo started to sink and weaken. The blood levels were dropping. The white cells, red cells and everything were tanking. This was normal but I truly felt "the grasp of God's hand" as my body was failing and weakening. The nurses and the doctors warned me this weakening was going to take place and that my body would get stronger as my body started to create new stem cells and manufacture new blood. I just had to go through the valley of feeling like garbage first. I really like this last line of the poem. I find it is full of hope and comfort.
What a wonderful poem this is. I'm glad I wrote it down. I have since returned the Elisabeth Kubler Ross book back to its rightful owner. I now have this poem for eternity and I can refer to it as I need it. Again, these are just my thoughts and ramblings. They have allowed me to rest and enjoy a "fire" and some Christmas music this afternoon.
Monday, 17 December 2018
Rituxan Maintenance Chemo, Peace and Joy
The title of this post may seem incongruous. How can a Rituxan Chemo treatment be in the same sentence as Peace and Joy? Joy? Really?! Yes, really!!
On Thursday, December 6, I had my 4th maintenance chemo treatment of Rituxan. This was the morning after a fun Christmas party that I went to with my former co-workers. It reminded me that I really can't wait to finish my sick leave and go back to work with these lovely, caring people! This time, my treatment was given using a new method which was developed through research. Improvements!! Next a cure?! Instead of receiving my Rituxan as an IV, it was given to me as a subcutaneous injection into my abdomen. Instead of sitting in a chemo lab chair for 3-4 hours, I was in the chair for 1 hour. I had to take my pre-meds of Benadryl, Dexamethasone and Tylenol 30 minutes before having the needle. It took 5 minutes to inject the Rituxan into me. This time, I was again facing the uncertainty of how I would react to the needle. Would I feel the flu like side effects immediately? Would it be a slower release of the Rituxan because it was not directly into my bloodstream through the IV? Would the flu-like side effects hit me much later? I could only settle into the seat of the figurative roller coaster and go for the ride. Immediately after the injection, I had a red rash, some swelling and itching at the injection site. The nurse, who was looking after me, kept a close eye on my rash. Because I had already had Benadryl, she wasn't too worried about the rash. She sent some benadryl pills home with me with instructions to put cold compresses on the injection site. The swelling, rash and itching disappeared within an hour after I returned home. My lower abdomen was tender and the muscles ached for the next 2 days. It felt similar to when I had my son delivered by C-section many years ago.
By Saturday, December 8, I was feeling well enough to go Christmas shopping in our downtown core. It was a cool day and overcast. I had my list of stores that I wanted to definitely step into to pick up some items as Christmas presents. I always enjoy my walk down the main street. I had a spring in my step. After just one block, unfortunately, the side effects of my Rituxan treatment hit me. I made a dash to the local Tim Hortons to use the washroom and then buy a tea biscuit. This stop was unplanned. Because the location of this particular Tim Hortons is near a hang out for the homeless, you have to approach the counter and have an employee buzz you into the washroom (unlock the door). Of course the counter was busy. This was not a time for me to publicly have to ask to use a washroom. Oh well.....Afterwards, I did buy a tea biscuit which was not planned. OK. "I'm not going to let this ruin my outing!" was my thought as I continued down the street. Except about 2 blocks later, what happens? I need to find another washroom. So I did discover a neat, little independent coffee shop and slipped inside very quickly. Ahhhh, good! No buzzer required! So after, I felt the need to buy something to support the coffee shop. Needless to say, I haven't actually bought any Christmas presents yet. So another unplanned purchase of a peppermint tea to help calm my insides. This time, I got it to go. The tea was so hot that I couldn't drink it. I walked a little slower down the street hoping that the tea would cool and my insides would cooperate. I saw the local Dollar Store and went inside to pick up some small gift items. But......what do I see to my awestruck surprise?! A sign on the door saying no food or drinks. My tea is still too hot to gulp down before going into the store. I am the type of person who doesn't like to break the rules. But I'm not going to just stand outside the doors like a homeless person and wait for my tea to cool. I took a deep breath and pushed open the door with tea in hand. Oh good!! There's another shopper inside the store with a Tim Hortons cup. I'm not the only rebel!! So I wander up and down the aisles. I picked up a few items and some inspiration on presents. By the time I was ready to head to the cashier to pay for my items, my tea was finished. I tucked the empty cup in my coat pocket while in the line up to pay for my purchases. I also realized that I forgot to bring my reusable bag. So I bought an extra large one for the few items I had. My thought was "I will use this one to carry all my purchases today." As I stepped back out onto the main street, I had another inspiration to support a local general store about half a block up the street. Lo and behold, but what should appear to my wandering eyes?! A trash can!! I put my tea cup in the garbage and continued on my way across the street. Remember I don't like to break the rules and lucky for me the light had just changed. As I strolled through the general store, I was picking up items to fill Christmas gift ideas for my list. Just as I got to the cash, OH NO!!! I need a washroom again! The ladies at the cash were so very nice. They took my impending purchases and directed me to an out-of-the-way washroom. Phew!! So now, hopefully, I can continue on with my Christmas shopping. I bought my items at the general store, placed them in my shopping bag and started off to one of my favourite stores downtown. Just as I was crossing the streets at the lights (remember I can't break the rules and jay walk), I heard a trumpeter start to play some Christmas music! This was perfect timing for me! You see, I was getting frustrated with my body as the Rituxan side effects were affecting me. I was starting to think, "I don't have time for this crap!!" (literally, ha ha). My stomach was aching, my insides were clenching and I was a long walk from the car. I did not have time to get "sick"! My daughter was coming home in a few days, we were getting ready to celebrate "Christmas Day" and her birthday. I did not have time to get sick! This was my only day to get the shopping done! And then I heard this beautiful music coming from the trumpet. As I waited for a street light to turn green so I could cross the street, I listened to the music. I stopped fretting. I breathed the cold air deep into my lungs several times and slowly. I took a very short amount of time to refocus my thoughts. I then actually enjoyed my brisk walk across the street while I listened to the trumpet notes echo through the downtown streets. I quickly found what I wanted in my favourite store and then went on to another store that I have never been in before. Several years ago, Hubby had bought me a box of "tea bags" but they were filled with spices and you used them with warmed red wine to make mulled red wine. I had long ago run out of them and I wanted to replenish my supply. This was a very popular and busy deli. So busy that if you were buying a sandwich, you had to take a number. I looked through their few shelves of items and I could not find the "tea bags". The cashier wasn't busy at that point because the deli customers were not finished getting their sandwiches. I jumped the line (oops....I broke the rules again!) and asked the cashier about the spice tea bags. She went right to the spot and there was only one box left. I quickly indicated that was what I was looking for and bought them. At this point, my shopping bag was now looking like a big green Santa Sack! I guess I was done for the day. This was good news because my body was lagging. It was sinking into the pit of tiredness that comes with the Rituxan. And...my insides were gurgling again. Time to walk very briskly back to my car which was several blocks away. About half way to my car, as I was dodging people strolling on the sidewalk, there was the trumpeter playing "O Holy Night"! This man had his trumpet case open and a sign propped against it. "All Donations to the Partner in Missions Food Bank". I had no money left. I had spent it all. I was disappointed and then thought, "I have a lot of heavy change in my change purse." I unzipped the change compartment of my wallet and dumped the whole thing into his trumpet case. I don't know how much money was actually there. I do know there were a lot of quarters, dimes and nickels. A lady passing by, said to me, "That was so nice of you! Thank you!" She then stopped and put in a couple of five dollar bills. I hurried on my way knowing that my little window of time of feeling well enough to be out was quickly closing.
Sure enough, my body sunk into a terrible bout of side of effects. For the next few days, I was cold. I was hot. I was exhausted. My insides were in turmoil. While staying at home and resting, I did get some of the presents wrapped and under the tree. I took advantage of being at home, and I made my daughter's layered birthday cake in between bouts of running to the washroom. I did take an hour on the Monday evening to go grocery shopping with Hubby. Again, this is a store that I regularly visit and I knew where the public washroom was if needed. I was trying to be positive and hope that I could have one outing without issue. I was disappointed in that hope but at least we got the groceries done. It exhausted me. As I rode the roller coast of side effects, I lit my Advent candles and reflected on Hope and Peace. My hope was the side effects wouldn't last too long. I did manage to find peace of mind as I sat, rested and reflected. As the candles are lit, they reflect off a beautiful table decoration that I just plopped beside the Advent wreath this year. I didn't know where else to place this decoration a few weeks ago, so it just happened to be placed on the coffee table beside the Advent wreath. This decoration is of Mary sitting, Joseph standing beside her and an angel holding the Baby Jesus. As the Advent candles are lit, they reflect and almost spotlight this precious decoration. This year, it has been helping to give me Peace.
By Tuesday, I was feeling rested enough to make the 2 hour drive to my daughter's apartment, pick her up and bring her back home (another 2 hour drive). We stopped partway to get some gas and dinner. The only food option was McDonalds. It had been 7 hours since I had eaten anything. The fact that my stomach was empty, made my insides gurgle more. Ever since my stem cell transplant last year, I often feel ill after eating french fries. Despite this, I ordered french fries with my meal because I was hungry. Mistake!!! By the time my daughter and I returned home, I was not feeling well at all! I went straight to bed and did not have a good night's rest. My insides were a mess! I finally fell asleep around 4 a.m. on Wednesday morning. This was the day that we were celebrating my daughter's birthday and "Christmas Day". I awoke feeling just OK. Hubby took this one day off as a vacation day. The three of us enjoyed a wonderful "Christmas" morning but my insides were griping. My body was not happy. I had an internal conversation with myself. "You can either be miserable and wallow which could be warranted. Or you could suck it up, enjoy your brief time with your daughter and Hubby and move forward as best as you can." So I sucked it up. I didn't complain. I didn't dwell on how crappy I felt. We fully celebrated my daughter's birthday lunch with laughter, chatter, stories and memories. As I was cleaning up from lunch and preparing the kitchen for the stuffing of the turkey, my insides started cramping. Thank goodness Hubby is a wonderful cook and knows his way around the kitchen. While my stomach was cramping, I chopped up the onions, celery and herbs for the stuffing. I then handed the kitchen to Hubby who prepared the turkey and put it in the oven. Meanwhile, I spent my time in our washroom. I told myself, "OK let's get this over with. We have company coming for dinner." My Hubby's cousin is currently out of town and we invited her husband to come for a turkey dinner with all the fixings. I spent the rest of the afternoon in and out of the washroom. At one point, I heard Hubby announce that our guest had just pulled in the driveway. Oh no....I was in dire straits! I prayed, "Please let me get through this time with the company in the house. Please let me not have to spend my time in the washroom like this afternoon. Please, please, please.....don't let me ruin Christmas!" At that point, I was desperate. I wasn't feeling well. I was trying to hide it from my daughter and Hubby. I didn't want this stupid treatment and side effects to steal the day from us. This was a time where I was angry with having lymphoma, the treatment and the side effects! My prayer was answered. Although my stomach was still not happy, I was able to be with everyone and eat a little bit of dinner. As soon as our company left, I was running for the washroom. Hubby now recognized something wasn't right. I went to bed.
I rested most of Thursday and spent time with my daughter. She indicated that wanted to go home Thursday evening instead of waiting until Friday morning. Well, that could work for us. Hubby and I could both go on the trip to return our daughter to her home. I was very tired but my body had stopped griping. I went for the 4 hour ride. This was perhaps a mistake on my part. After dropping our daughter off, we got partway home and filled up with gas. After getting back onto the highway, I started to feel very hot and flushed. Next thing, my stomach was feeling queasy. I had to ask Hubby to stop the car at the side of the 401. He wanted to be safe and started up the ramp onto the 1000 Island Parkway. I now had no more time. "Stop, Stop, Stop!!!" I got the door open just in time. We continued on our way home via the 1000 Island Parkway. Hubby's thought was there was less traffic and it was safer if we had to stop again. Once we hit the end of "The Parkway", I was feeling a little better so we got back on the 401 instead of taking a secondary highway. I just wanted to get home as fast as we could. As we hit the outskirts of our city, my stomach started to uncomfortably roll. I spoke to myself, "Just keep it down, just keep it down. We're almost home. We're almost home." Nope. Couldn't make it. "Pull over, pull over!!", I said with panic in my voice. "We're almost home.", said Hubby in a comforting voice. "Not going to make it.", I groaned. He pulled over in an area where shoulder was narrowing. Thank goodness. I got the door open just in time. When we got home that long Thursday night, I took an anti-nausea pill left over from last winter. It helped. I went to bed and I slept all Thursday night, most of Friday, all Friday night and woke up feeling better on Saturday.
The side effects of this round of Rituxan seemed to be worse than before. I don't know if it is because it was a slower release of the drug because it was a subcutaneous injection. I just know that this time was a rougher go for me. I will have to talk with my oncologist and really weigh the pros and cons of the subcutaneous needle vs. an IV injection. Despite the rough week, I still had moments of Peace. I had true moments of Joy when my daughter was home. We laughed. We had deep love. I truly did feel deep joy within even as my body struggled. I have had a good weekend. I turned the corner and returned to good health on Saturday. Hubby and I ran some errands. We stopped by our favourite apiary to buy some products from our friends. This became an impromptu friendly gathering and was filled with joy, love, friendship and good conversation.
The side effects did cast a small dark pall over our "Christmas" but with some prayer, self-talk and family support, we had a great time. I didn't dwell in the "bad". I didn't have a pity party. I lived through the darkness and found light amidst it. My favourite Christmas movie has always been "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". In it, the Grinch says "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps.....means a little bit more?" I truly believe that the "Christmas mood" is found in all the intangibles. It's not found in the decorations or the hustle and bustle. For me, this is a real time of Advent....HOPE, PEACE and JOY.
On Thursday, December 6, I had my 4th maintenance chemo treatment of Rituxan. This was the morning after a fun Christmas party that I went to with my former co-workers. It reminded me that I really can't wait to finish my sick leave and go back to work with these lovely, caring people! This time, my treatment was given using a new method which was developed through research. Improvements!! Next a cure?! Instead of receiving my Rituxan as an IV, it was given to me as a subcutaneous injection into my abdomen. Instead of sitting in a chemo lab chair for 3-4 hours, I was in the chair for 1 hour. I had to take my pre-meds of Benadryl, Dexamethasone and Tylenol 30 minutes before having the needle. It took 5 minutes to inject the Rituxan into me. This time, I was again facing the uncertainty of how I would react to the needle. Would I feel the flu like side effects immediately? Would it be a slower release of the Rituxan because it was not directly into my bloodstream through the IV? Would the flu-like side effects hit me much later? I could only settle into the seat of the figurative roller coaster and go for the ride. Immediately after the injection, I had a red rash, some swelling and itching at the injection site. The nurse, who was looking after me, kept a close eye on my rash. Because I had already had Benadryl, she wasn't too worried about the rash. She sent some benadryl pills home with me with instructions to put cold compresses on the injection site. The swelling, rash and itching disappeared within an hour after I returned home. My lower abdomen was tender and the muscles ached for the next 2 days. It felt similar to when I had my son delivered by C-section many years ago.
By Saturday, December 8, I was feeling well enough to go Christmas shopping in our downtown core. It was a cool day and overcast. I had my list of stores that I wanted to definitely step into to pick up some items as Christmas presents. I always enjoy my walk down the main street. I had a spring in my step. After just one block, unfortunately, the side effects of my Rituxan treatment hit me. I made a dash to the local Tim Hortons to use the washroom and then buy a tea biscuit. This stop was unplanned. Because the location of this particular Tim Hortons is near a hang out for the homeless, you have to approach the counter and have an employee buzz you into the washroom (unlock the door). Of course the counter was busy. This was not a time for me to publicly have to ask to use a washroom. Oh well.....Afterwards, I did buy a tea biscuit which was not planned. OK. "I'm not going to let this ruin my outing!" was my thought as I continued down the street. Except about 2 blocks later, what happens? I need to find another washroom. So I did discover a neat, little independent coffee shop and slipped inside very quickly. Ahhhh, good! No buzzer required! So after, I felt the need to buy something to support the coffee shop. Needless to say, I haven't actually bought any Christmas presents yet. So another unplanned purchase of a peppermint tea to help calm my insides. This time, I got it to go. The tea was so hot that I couldn't drink it. I walked a little slower down the street hoping that the tea would cool and my insides would cooperate. I saw the local Dollar Store and went inside to pick up some small gift items. But......what do I see to my awestruck surprise?! A sign on the door saying no food or drinks. My tea is still too hot to gulp down before going into the store. I am the type of person who doesn't like to break the rules. But I'm not going to just stand outside the doors like a homeless person and wait for my tea to cool. I took a deep breath and pushed open the door with tea in hand. Oh good!! There's another shopper inside the store with a Tim Hortons cup. I'm not the only rebel!! So I wander up and down the aisles. I picked up a few items and some inspiration on presents. By the time I was ready to head to the cashier to pay for my items, my tea was finished. I tucked the empty cup in my coat pocket while in the line up to pay for my purchases. I also realized that I forgot to bring my reusable bag. So I bought an extra large one for the few items I had. My thought was "I will use this one to carry all my purchases today." As I stepped back out onto the main street, I had another inspiration to support a local general store about half a block up the street. Lo and behold, but what should appear to my wandering eyes?! A trash can!! I put my tea cup in the garbage and continued on my way across the street. Remember I don't like to break the rules and lucky for me the light had just changed. As I strolled through the general store, I was picking up items to fill Christmas gift ideas for my list. Just as I got to the cash, OH NO!!! I need a washroom again! The ladies at the cash were so very nice. They took my impending purchases and directed me to an out-of-the-way washroom. Phew!! So now, hopefully, I can continue on with my Christmas shopping. I bought my items at the general store, placed them in my shopping bag and started off to one of my favourite stores downtown. Just as I was crossing the streets at the lights (remember I can't break the rules and jay walk), I heard a trumpeter start to play some Christmas music! This was perfect timing for me! You see, I was getting frustrated with my body as the Rituxan side effects were affecting me. I was starting to think, "I don't have time for this crap!!" (literally, ha ha). My stomach was aching, my insides were clenching and I was a long walk from the car. I did not have time to get "sick"! My daughter was coming home in a few days, we were getting ready to celebrate "Christmas Day" and her birthday. I did not have time to get sick! This was my only day to get the shopping done! And then I heard this beautiful music coming from the trumpet. As I waited for a street light to turn green so I could cross the street, I listened to the music. I stopped fretting. I breathed the cold air deep into my lungs several times and slowly. I took a very short amount of time to refocus my thoughts. I then actually enjoyed my brisk walk across the street while I listened to the trumpet notes echo through the downtown streets. I quickly found what I wanted in my favourite store and then went on to another store that I have never been in before. Several years ago, Hubby had bought me a box of "tea bags" but they were filled with spices and you used them with warmed red wine to make mulled red wine. I had long ago run out of them and I wanted to replenish my supply. This was a very popular and busy deli. So busy that if you were buying a sandwich, you had to take a number. I looked through their few shelves of items and I could not find the "tea bags". The cashier wasn't busy at that point because the deli customers were not finished getting their sandwiches. I jumped the line (oops....I broke the rules again!) and asked the cashier about the spice tea bags. She went right to the spot and there was only one box left. I quickly indicated that was what I was looking for and bought them. At this point, my shopping bag was now looking like a big green Santa Sack! I guess I was done for the day. This was good news because my body was lagging. It was sinking into the pit of tiredness that comes with the Rituxan. And...my insides were gurgling again. Time to walk very briskly back to my car which was several blocks away. About half way to my car, as I was dodging people strolling on the sidewalk, there was the trumpeter playing "O Holy Night"! This man had his trumpet case open and a sign propped against it. "All Donations to the Partner in Missions Food Bank". I had no money left. I had spent it all. I was disappointed and then thought, "I have a lot of heavy change in my change purse." I unzipped the change compartment of my wallet and dumped the whole thing into his trumpet case. I don't know how much money was actually there. I do know there were a lot of quarters, dimes and nickels. A lady passing by, said to me, "That was so nice of you! Thank you!" She then stopped and put in a couple of five dollar bills. I hurried on my way knowing that my little window of time of feeling well enough to be out was quickly closing.
Sure enough, my body sunk into a terrible bout of side of effects. For the next few days, I was cold. I was hot. I was exhausted. My insides were in turmoil. While staying at home and resting, I did get some of the presents wrapped and under the tree. I took advantage of being at home, and I made my daughter's layered birthday cake in between bouts of running to the washroom. I did take an hour on the Monday evening to go grocery shopping with Hubby. Again, this is a store that I regularly visit and I knew where the public washroom was if needed. I was trying to be positive and hope that I could have one outing without issue. I was disappointed in that hope but at least we got the groceries done. It exhausted me. As I rode the roller coast of side effects, I lit my Advent candles and reflected on Hope and Peace. My hope was the side effects wouldn't last too long. I did manage to find peace of mind as I sat, rested and reflected. As the candles are lit, they reflect off a beautiful table decoration that I just plopped beside the Advent wreath this year. I didn't know where else to place this decoration a few weeks ago, so it just happened to be placed on the coffee table beside the Advent wreath. This decoration is of Mary sitting, Joseph standing beside her and an angel holding the Baby Jesus. As the Advent candles are lit, they reflect and almost spotlight this precious decoration. This year, it has been helping to give me Peace.
By Tuesday, I was feeling rested enough to make the 2 hour drive to my daughter's apartment, pick her up and bring her back home (another 2 hour drive). We stopped partway to get some gas and dinner. The only food option was McDonalds. It had been 7 hours since I had eaten anything. The fact that my stomach was empty, made my insides gurgle more. Ever since my stem cell transplant last year, I often feel ill after eating french fries. Despite this, I ordered french fries with my meal because I was hungry. Mistake!!! By the time my daughter and I returned home, I was not feeling well at all! I went straight to bed and did not have a good night's rest. My insides were a mess! I finally fell asleep around 4 a.m. on Wednesday morning. This was the day that we were celebrating my daughter's birthday and "Christmas Day". I awoke feeling just OK. Hubby took this one day off as a vacation day. The three of us enjoyed a wonderful "Christmas" morning but my insides were griping. My body was not happy. I had an internal conversation with myself. "You can either be miserable and wallow which could be warranted. Or you could suck it up, enjoy your brief time with your daughter and Hubby and move forward as best as you can." So I sucked it up. I didn't complain. I didn't dwell on how crappy I felt. We fully celebrated my daughter's birthday lunch with laughter, chatter, stories and memories. As I was cleaning up from lunch and preparing the kitchen for the stuffing of the turkey, my insides started cramping. Thank goodness Hubby is a wonderful cook and knows his way around the kitchen. While my stomach was cramping, I chopped up the onions, celery and herbs for the stuffing. I then handed the kitchen to Hubby who prepared the turkey and put it in the oven. Meanwhile, I spent my time in our washroom. I told myself, "OK let's get this over with. We have company coming for dinner." My Hubby's cousin is currently out of town and we invited her husband to come for a turkey dinner with all the fixings. I spent the rest of the afternoon in and out of the washroom. At one point, I heard Hubby announce that our guest had just pulled in the driveway. Oh no....I was in dire straits! I prayed, "Please let me get through this time with the company in the house. Please let me not have to spend my time in the washroom like this afternoon. Please, please, please.....don't let me ruin Christmas!" At that point, I was desperate. I wasn't feeling well. I was trying to hide it from my daughter and Hubby. I didn't want this stupid treatment and side effects to steal the day from us. This was a time where I was angry with having lymphoma, the treatment and the side effects! My prayer was answered. Although my stomach was still not happy, I was able to be with everyone and eat a little bit of dinner. As soon as our company left, I was running for the washroom. Hubby now recognized something wasn't right. I went to bed.
I rested most of Thursday and spent time with my daughter. She indicated that wanted to go home Thursday evening instead of waiting until Friday morning. Well, that could work for us. Hubby and I could both go on the trip to return our daughter to her home. I was very tired but my body had stopped griping. I went for the 4 hour ride. This was perhaps a mistake on my part. After dropping our daughter off, we got partway home and filled up with gas. After getting back onto the highway, I started to feel very hot and flushed. Next thing, my stomach was feeling queasy. I had to ask Hubby to stop the car at the side of the 401. He wanted to be safe and started up the ramp onto the 1000 Island Parkway. I now had no more time. "Stop, Stop, Stop!!!" I got the door open just in time. We continued on our way home via the 1000 Island Parkway. Hubby's thought was there was less traffic and it was safer if we had to stop again. Once we hit the end of "The Parkway", I was feeling a little better so we got back on the 401 instead of taking a secondary highway. I just wanted to get home as fast as we could. As we hit the outskirts of our city, my stomach started to uncomfortably roll. I spoke to myself, "Just keep it down, just keep it down. We're almost home. We're almost home." Nope. Couldn't make it. "Pull over, pull over!!", I said with panic in my voice. "We're almost home.", said Hubby in a comforting voice. "Not going to make it.", I groaned. He pulled over in an area where shoulder was narrowing. Thank goodness. I got the door open just in time. When we got home that long Thursday night, I took an anti-nausea pill left over from last winter. It helped. I went to bed and I slept all Thursday night, most of Friday, all Friday night and woke up feeling better on Saturday.
The side effects of this round of Rituxan seemed to be worse than before. I don't know if it is because it was a slower release of the drug because it was a subcutaneous injection. I just know that this time was a rougher go for me. I will have to talk with my oncologist and really weigh the pros and cons of the subcutaneous needle vs. an IV injection. Despite the rough week, I still had moments of Peace. I had true moments of Joy when my daughter was home. We laughed. We had deep love. I truly did feel deep joy within even as my body struggled. I have had a good weekend. I turned the corner and returned to good health on Saturday. Hubby and I ran some errands. We stopped by our favourite apiary to buy some products from our friends. This became an impromptu friendly gathering and was filled with joy, love, friendship and good conversation.
The side effects did cast a small dark pall over our "Christmas" but with some prayer, self-talk and family support, we had a great time. I didn't dwell in the "bad". I didn't have a pity party. I lived through the darkness and found light amidst it. My favourite Christmas movie has always been "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". In it, the Grinch says "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps.....means a little bit more?" I truly believe that the "Christmas mood" is found in all the intangibles. It's not found in the decorations or the hustle and bustle. For me, this is a real time of Advent....HOPE, PEACE and JOY.
Monday, 3 December 2018
Update and Christmas Hope
The last month has flown by! I was busy raking leaves and preparing my yard for the upcoming winter snow. Our days are shorter and more grey as there is often rain and clouds. There has sometimes been some snow but we have no accumulation of the white snow. My yard is a dull green as the grass has gone dormant but is not brown.
In mid November, I was filled with joy as Hubby and I made the trip to Southwestern Ontario to congregate with my side of the extended family for our early Christmas celebration. There are only three people who will never make it. This includes my grandparents and my father. However, as a group, we feel they are with us in spirit. I always love getting together with my siblings, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and their children. It is always a loud, rambunctious and chaotic get together filled with fun and laughter. I was reconnected with my two children which I deeply appreciated. I miss them as they have both moved to two different areas of the province and are beginning their careers and lives.
Unfortunately, I caught a cold at my family reunion and it continues to linger and knock me down. Just when I think I am improving, I have a day of dizziness, congestion and exhaustion. So I listen to my body and cut back on what I want to do. Despite the inconvenience and less energy, I have managed to get my Christmas decorations up. Christmas is my favourite time of year. I love the music, the fellowship, the food and the "season". I have always had just a modest amount of decorations as I like to keep things simple. I have managed to get my baking done and frozen. My children will not be able to home together for Christmas day, so Hubby and I will celebrate Christmas and birthday with my daughter on the 12th. We will have a turkey dinner with all the trimmings and treat that day like Christmas Day. Then we will do it again with another full turkey dinner and all the trimmings on Dec. 25 when my son will be able to make it home for the holidays. I'm really looking forward to seeing my children and it doesn't matter that we will do two dinners. I love turkey. The more, the better.
This morning, as I write this post, I have my hot cup of coffee on the table beside me. The first Advent candle of my Advent Wreath is lit. This signifies HOPE. For me, there is HOPE that my cold is getting better and my immune system will succeed in fighting it. There is HOPE that the lymphoma is still in remission as I will have my next Rituxan treatment on Thursday. This morning, as I lit the HOPE candle, I thought about our world.
I pray and have HOPE that Canadian dairy farmers will prosper despite the political climate and changes to the various trade pacts. This is a real concern for me and I pray daily for the farmers. My brother runs a first generation small dairy farm. He has been a successful business owner as he has developed the farm for the last 27 years. There are many farms like his in Canada that are not large corporations. Just small business (family farms) that provide for the family and contribute to the community. So I pray and have HOPE that Canadian farms will survive. In an effort to help support the dairy sector whenever I can, I use my money to buy dairy products that support dairy cooperatives such as Gay Lea. I recently was in my local grocery store doing my grocery shopping. I needed to buy more yogurt and I saw a sales rep with the big square logo on his jacked that says Dairy Farmers of Canada. I asked him about which yogurt uses Canadian milk. He did mention some of the big corporate logos that were on the shelf but then he pointed out IOGO yogurt. It is made by a dairy cooperative. This means the money filters down to the dairy farmers who are part of the co-op. It's like they all have shares in the business. I chose to provide HOPE to the dairy sector by using my money to support a dairy cooperative when I buy yogurt from now on.
HOPE. It is such an abstract and intangible word and concept. HOPE can be given concrete meaning when it is followed up with actions. In some ways, I can't make a difference in the political world. So when I can't make a difference, I pray. I pray for world leaders and governments. I get discouraged when I see what is going on in the world. There is spying, murder, world human rights injustices, bullies who are world leaders, and world political organizations such as The United Nations that seem to be ineffective in keeping our world safe and peaceful. So I give myself HOPE and I pray.
This first week of the Christmas Advent season is a week to concentrate and focus on HOPE. In the Christian tradition, it is HOPE of the coming birth of Jesus Christ and our world's salvation. It is also a week to HOPE for the wonderful warmth of family getting together. The HOPE of life being better. HOPE that friends and family who are ill will get better. HOPE that world strife and turmoil will improve. Whether I call my prayer time or meditation or quiet time, it doesn't matter what it is called. For me, I am focusing on HOPE. If nothing else, I achieve the HOPE of a more peaceful and calm inner self by setting aside time for my prayer/advent reflection/meditation (or whatever you want to call it).
My HOPE for today is to do some mundane chores, maybe go for a walk in the afternoon when the rain stops and enjoy a quiet evening with Hubby after we've been to the chiropractor for our "tune-up".
In mid November, I was filled with joy as Hubby and I made the trip to Southwestern Ontario to congregate with my side of the extended family for our early Christmas celebration. There are only three people who will never make it. This includes my grandparents and my father. However, as a group, we feel they are with us in spirit. I always love getting together with my siblings, my aunts and uncles, my cousins and their children. It is always a loud, rambunctious and chaotic get together filled with fun and laughter. I was reconnected with my two children which I deeply appreciated. I miss them as they have both moved to two different areas of the province and are beginning their careers and lives.
Unfortunately, I caught a cold at my family reunion and it continues to linger and knock me down. Just when I think I am improving, I have a day of dizziness, congestion and exhaustion. So I listen to my body and cut back on what I want to do. Despite the inconvenience and less energy, I have managed to get my Christmas decorations up. Christmas is my favourite time of year. I love the music, the fellowship, the food and the "season". I have always had just a modest amount of decorations as I like to keep things simple. I have managed to get my baking done and frozen. My children will not be able to home together for Christmas day, so Hubby and I will celebrate Christmas and birthday with my daughter on the 12th. We will have a turkey dinner with all the trimmings and treat that day like Christmas Day. Then we will do it again with another full turkey dinner and all the trimmings on Dec. 25 when my son will be able to make it home for the holidays. I'm really looking forward to seeing my children and it doesn't matter that we will do two dinners. I love turkey. The more, the better.
This morning, as I write this post, I have my hot cup of coffee on the table beside me. The first Advent candle of my Advent Wreath is lit. This signifies HOPE. For me, there is HOPE that my cold is getting better and my immune system will succeed in fighting it. There is HOPE that the lymphoma is still in remission as I will have my next Rituxan treatment on Thursday. This morning, as I lit the HOPE candle, I thought about our world.
I pray and have HOPE that Canadian dairy farmers will prosper despite the political climate and changes to the various trade pacts. This is a real concern for me and I pray daily for the farmers. My brother runs a first generation small dairy farm. He has been a successful business owner as he has developed the farm for the last 27 years. There are many farms like his in Canada that are not large corporations. Just small business (family farms) that provide for the family and contribute to the community. So I pray and have HOPE that Canadian farms will survive. In an effort to help support the dairy sector whenever I can, I use my money to buy dairy products that support dairy cooperatives such as Gay Lea. I recently was in my local grocery store doing my grocery shopping. I needed to buy more yogurt and I saw a sales rep with the big square logo on his jacked that says Dairy Farmers of Canada. I asked him about which yogurt uses Canadian milk. He did mention some of the big corporate logos that were on the shelf but then he pointed out IOGO yogurt. It is made by a dairy cooperative. This means the money filters down to the dairy farmers who are part of the co-op. It's like they all have shares in the business. I chose to provide HOPE to the dairy sector by using my money to support a dairy cooperative when I buy yogurt from now on.
HOPE. It is such an abstract and intangible word and concept. HOPE can be given concrete meaning when it is followed up with actions. In some ways, I can't make a difference in the political world. So when I can't make a difference, I pray. I pray for world leaders and governments. I get discouraged when I see what is going on in the world. There is spying, murder, world human rights injustices, bullies who are world leaders, and world political organizations such as The United Nations that seem to be ineffective in keeping our world safe and peaceful. So I give myself HOPE and I pray.
This first week of the Christmas Advent season is a week to concentrate and focus on HOPE. In the Christian tradition, it is HOPE of the coming birth of Jesus Christ and our world's salvation. It is also a week to HOPE for the wonderful warmth of family getting together. The HOPE of life being better. HOPE that friends and family who are ill will get better. HOPE that world strife and turmoil will improve. Whether I call my prayer time or meditation or quiet time, it doesn't matter what it is called. For me, I am focusing on HOPE. If nothing else, I achieve the HOPE of a more peaceful and calm inner self by setting aside time for my prayer/advent reflection/meditation (or whatever you want to call it).
My HOPE for today is to do some mundane chores, maybe go for a walk in the afternoon when the rain stops and enjoy a quiet evening with Hubby after we've been to the chiropractor for our "tune-up".
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