Several months ago, I had the opportunity to read again the book "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. I had read this book many, many years ago when I was in university. Earlier this year, at my request, it was loaned to me to read again. In this book, there was a poem by Rabindranath Tagore called "Fruit Gathering". As I read this poem, I was resting on my patio, enjoying the warm sunshine, the birds fluttering and singing, and being alive. I wanted to remember this poem as I wanted to use it as a reflection in the blog. So....today as I rest up from all the hustle and bustle of preparing for Christmas, it is time to write the reflective post. My television is on the "Ambiance" channel where there is a fire dancing and crackling on the screen with Christmas music softly playing in the background. A peaceful time for sure!
Fruit Gathering
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them."
We can pray to be saved from being ill, facing separation from family or divorce. We can pray to God to keep us from experiencing these stressful situations. But sometimes, we don't get what we pray for. Sometimes the answer is no. I don't know about you, but I don't like being told "No." I never have liked that answer. What I like about this line from the poem is that we're encouraged to pray for assistance in being fearless in facing the tough times. Fearless. Thinking on that, it is HARD. It is tiring to be fearless. I don't think we can ever be totally fearless but we can muster what little courage we have and stare down the tough times. When I was told that my lymphoma had returned, I knew that second time is not good news. Your odds to beat it are less. So, I put one foot in front of the other to go through the process of immediate chemo and then the stem cell transplant. I was told the stem cell transplant might not work. I was told to be prepared for a descent into poor health and perhaps death. I needed to get my affairs in order. Was I scared? Hell, yes!!! Was I sheltered from the dangers? No! But....was I fearless in facing them? No. I was full of fear. And then I prayed for help to ease the anxiety. That did help to reduce my fear but not eliminate it. My support network of family and friends truly helped me to have the courage to face the unknown and perhaps failed health. I think that we actually grow into better people through these trials. I don't want to go through difficult times. But I will use them to reflect and seize the small good moments to enjoy. Is that being fearless? I don't know. I do know that my follicular lymphoma will return. There is no cure. So while I have good moments, I will enjoy them fully. Is that being fearless in facing dangers? Maybe. Who knows? I just refuse to dwell on the "what ifs". As I have maintenance chemo treatments and deal with side effects, I look forward to when those side effects lessen. Then I fill my time with good things like time spent with friends and family. Celebrations. Visits. Great Food. Because a time will come where I will have to work hard at being fearless. It's easy when you feel good. It takes a determined effort to focus on the love of family and friends when the going gets rough. Maybe that determined effort reflects itself as being fearless. Just thoughts to ponder.
"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it."
Well, I have to say that I am so thankful for medication. When the pain of cancer keeps you from sleeping, then you feel even worse. Pain medication helps to dull the pain. It doesn't "still the pain" but it does help to give me "the heart to conquer it". There are other ways to help conquer pain. Deep breathing and focusing inwards can help. Focusing on where the pain is and using imagery to have it dissolve. Meditation can also help. Yoga can help. When the pain becomes too much, then that is when I want to be able to turn to the medical community for medication. In my experience with having had a child by C-section and my second child "normally", our minds are very good at overcoming pain. If we can use our minds to help us relax fully, then it can help with the pain, at least in my experiences. I have also witnessed family and friends deal with "end of life" cancer. A disease that slowly kills them. At the end, there is lots of pain. I don't look forward to when I am at that stage. I know that I will use my meditation and focusing techniques as long as I can. I also know that I will reach for pain medication as the pain gets unbearable. This line in the poem reminds me that the need to have a "heart to conquer" the pain is imperative. Live through it. Again, as much as possible, grab those moments with family and friends. The love. The support. And yes, the pain meds. All of this adds up to having "the heart to conquer the pain." But, of course, my opinion may just change when I reach the end of life stage in the cancer journey.
"Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield but to my own strengths."
Well......doesn't this line just blow all my previous thoughts out of the water! It's telling me to "look to my own strengths". OK. Well, I guess that means that friends and family are human beings and, as a result, may let me down. I shouldn't rely totally on them to carry me through my difficult times. I need to still rely on myself and my ability to "look at the world with rose coloured glasses". For me, I think my strength in "life's battlefield" (based on my alone moments dealing with diagnoses, chemo, side effects, weakness and my hospital stay) is taking small moments and finding the joy in them. How can you find joy in chemo side effects?! When your bowels are affected, your stomach is affected, you lose all your hair and you lose your strength, how on earth do you find joy in this stuff?! For me, it has been watching nature when I'm too weak to do anything but sit or even lay. Finding joy in moments when the nursing staff is supportive as you vomit all your medications and food in a little container. I found joy from visitors dropping in or short emails on my computer. I found joy when the mail would arrive at home and there would be little notes of encouragement. As I deliberately looked for these small moments of comfort and pleasantness, it helped me face the "battle". I always said that it was the support of family and friends, but.....maybe I see that it was also my own strength to refuse to dwell on the crappy situations. I do know that I live in the present. Lymphoma has taught me to do that. Then there is no anxiety about what or when something else is going to happen. Enjoy the moment. Sometimes, I can't enjoy the moment. Just last week, I was hanging out the side door of the car on the side of the highway emptying my stomach contents. There is no joy in that. But...I lived in the moment and knew that there would be another good moment....I just didn't know when. Is that strength? Maybe. No one can make us happy but ourselves and maybe that is the key to having the strength to face and endure life's battles.
"Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but hope for the patience to win my freedom."
My faith is a big part of me. My faith that I will be carried/walked through death with Jesus by my side fully takes away my anxiety about dying. "Hope for the patience to win my freedom" is a really good phrase to reflect how I feel about death. I believe (and hope) that the journey through death will be like winning my freedom. Freedom from pain. Freedom from illness. Freedom from conflict with people. Freedom from misunderstandings. FREEDOM period!! Oh yes.....I do not crave to be saved because of anxious fear. If I crave to be saved, it is because I would like to be around to be part of my children's lives as they embark on their journeys through life. I would like to be around to be part of Hubby's life. But I'm not living in fear. I live with HOPE. Hope for a cure in my lifetime. Hope and a firm knowledge that I will be united with Jesus, God and family members that have died before me. This will be a joyous time!! I will see my Dad!!! I haven't seen him since 1991. I will see my Grandpa!! I haven't seen him since 1986. I can feel myself getting excited with anticipation already. I will meet my Uncle Russell (who I've written about in this blog in 2014) for the first time!!! So the important phrase in this line for me is "Hope for the patience to win my freedom". Oh yes!! In the meantime, I will enjoy my time here.
"Grant me that I may not be a coward, feeling your mercy in my success alone; but let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure."
Now this is interesting! On Sunday, my minister's reflection was on Failure and how we are all human and we will all fail, but it is through failure that we experience and live life fully. Again, I read this line of the poem through the lens of my faith. "Let me find the grasp of your hand..." This part of the phrase gives me comfort. Jesus holding my hand as my body fails. In 2012, I remember one of the side effects of chemo made me go into a "deep hole" mentally, emotionally and physically. I can remember just being able to lay in bed, too weak to move. I really felt like God was cradling me in the palm of His hand as my body was failing to thrive. "Let me find the grasp of your hand". Oh this so describes what that felt like in 2012.....and again in 2017. After my stem cell transplant, my body in reaction to the high dose chemo started to sink and weaken. The blood levels were dropping. The white cells, red cells and everything were tanking. This was normal but I truly felt "the grasp of God's hand" as my body was failing and weakening. The nurses and the doctors warned me this weakening was going to take place and that my body would get stronger as my body started to create new stem cells and manufacture new blood. I just had to go through the valley of feeling like garbage first. I really like this last line of the poem. I find it is full of hope and comfort.
What a wonderful poem this is. I'm glad I wrote it down. I have since returned the Elisabeth Kubler Ross book back to its rightful owner. I now have this poem for eternity and I can refer to it as I need it. Again, these are just my thoughts and ramblings. They have allowed me to rest and enjoy a "fire" and some Christmas music this afternoon.
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