To be honest, I'm getting very discouraged this winter. I had an intestinal flu earlier this week and finally yesterday, I was feeling normal. Hooray!!! I had some energy and happy to be feeling healthy. I went to bed early last night as I was tired. When I laid my head down, I could feel my sinuses filling up. Oh no! Not another cold! And yes, yes it is. My head is full again of congestion and I'm back to having no energy.
I was hoping to get together with friends this morning and I had to cancel that. I was hoping to get together and have coffee at a local coffee shop with some more friends and I had to cancel that. I have been trying to get back into singing and being in the church choir. Tonight is choir practice night and I've had to send an email off to say I won't make it there tonight. I know that the Rituxan has suppressed my immune system but please, God, give me a break from this constantly being ill! I don't want to spread the cold so I quarantine myself to staying at home....and I don't have the energy to go anywhere.
I have to admit that I'm a little worried about being sick all the time. I remind myself that this is the new normal with the Rituxan in my system. But....one of the signs for me when the lymphoma relapsed in 2017 was catching everything that was going around. I used to never get sick. As I felt my sinuses filling up last night, I got scared. So my mind is still playing with me today. "Am I relapsing again?" "I'm losing weight...is it because the lymphoma is back?" (of course, I would lose weight as I had a stomach bug and haven't been able to eat much this week). "I'm so tired all the time." (of course I'm tired, I've started volunteering and filling my days...I'm out of shape). "The night sweats are occurring again...is the lymphoma back?!" (but of course, I'm hot at night...the heat is on and I wear a warm nightgown....but when I don't wear the warm night gown, I'm cold).
It's very tiring to have your mind independently spring these thoughts on you from no where and then you argue with yourself and give plausible explanations. What this creates is fear, confusion and the need to be mentally strong. So, I'm taking care of myself today by drinking lots of steaming cups of tea with honey to help combat the cold. I'm resting. And I'm trying to prevent my thoughts from bringing me down. I think it's time to use the imagery from 2012 where I take the "what ifs" and thrown them in the imaginary closet in my mind and slam the door shut before the other "what ifs" fall out. It's time to take time to be creative and occupy my mind, hence the blog post today.
The blog has been a huge blessing for me as it provides me an outlet to acknowledge my fears and at the same time, hopefully help other people go through their own cancer journeys or other life journeys. Everyone's "trip" is different and unique just like we are different and unique individuals. So today, I acknowledge the fear. After some hot turkey soup for lunch, I think I will pick up my paint brushes and start a new painting. My hope is this activity will occupy my mind and my "what if" thoughts will leave me alone.
Thursday, 30 January 2020
Thursday, 23 January 2020
A Better Day
I woke up this morning at 4:30. I was wide awake and headed for the computer to do some banking and just to surf. I got bored and tired but now it was too close to getting up at a normal time. So, I decided to work on my painting.
Late last summer, a friend of mine posted some pictures she had taken at one of my favourite beaches. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I decided to attempt to paint this favourite place. I neglected to mention yesterday, that this was the first beach my children went to as toddlers. As a young family, Hubby, our children and myself would visit here as part of our summer vacation. I remember burying the children in the sand. I remember making sand castles with them on the beach. We would go wading into the water and jump into the big waves on a hot summer day. As our children grew, they would play frisbee on the beach with dear old Dad and Mom. A football was known to be thrown around as well. Of course, there was always the sunscreen being slathered on as my children inherited my very fair skin along with the red hair. After a busy day, it was always so relaxing to walk along the beach and watch the sunset. So when my friend posted a picture of a sunset at this beach, I asked her permission to download it onto my computer and use it as inspiration for a painting...sometime in the future. As mentioned yesterday, I decided to use painting as another method to be creative. As my voice and music seemed to be touch and go, I needed another creative outlet in addition to my knitting and the occasional posting on the blog. I started the painting last week and this morning I finished it. I'm pleased with it. I love the sunset colours that I managed to create and how they are reflected in the wild waves. I am pleased with how the reds, oranges and blues of the sky reflect on the wet sand as the water retreats back to the lake. The act of painting seems to have released endorphins for me and I've been very happy and relaxed today.
It has been a better day today as I was out this morning to have tea, visit and sing with a couple of good friends. I was able to do this even after an evening of singing last night with my church choir! My voice is on the mend!! Then I was off to run errands and do some groceries before meeting up with another couple of women who have been so supportive as I've struggled. They cheer me along even as I struggled. What a lovely afternoon! I'm feeling so very blessed and happy today. The day has left me with a full feeling of accomplishment. This sort of day truly helps me to feel positive about the future regardless of the fears of the unknown. A simple thing like being creative makes all the difference for me....that and spending time with people. I realize that I'm not the sort of person who can live in a lonely bubble and be happy. Do I like some solitary time? Yes, sometimes. It helps to rejuvenate me. But I need people. I need to feel useful or helpful. I truly need to be creative. Music has always been a part of my life. To lose my singing ability permanently would be a major blow and require another attempt to redefine myself. I am so fortunate that my singing is coming back as I heal and get better from the latest flu. But....I now know that I can still paint in a different medium (acrylic instead of oil) and that I enjoy writing. The blog (started way back in 2012 as a means to inform the many friends and family of what is going on with me regarding the lymphoma) has been unexpectedly good for me to be creative in my writing.
So here's to more good days and great days! And included is my new painting entitled "Sauble Beach Sunset".
Late last summer, a friend of mine posted some pictures she had taken at one of my favourite beaches. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I decided to attempt to paint this favourite place. I neglected to mention yesterday, that this was the first beach my children went to as toddlers. As a young family, Hubby, our children and myself would visit here as part of our summer vacation. I remember burying the children in the sand. I remember making sand castles with them on the beach. We would go wading into the water and jump into the big waves on a hot summer day. As our children grew, they would play frisbee on the beach with dear old Dad and Mom. A football was known to be thrown around as well. Of course, there was always the sunscreen being slathered on as my children inherited my very fair skin along with the red hair. After a busy day, it was always so relaxing to walk along the beach and watch the sunset. So when my friend posted a picture of a sunset at this beach, I asked her permission to download it onto my computer and use it as inspiration for a painting...sometime in the future. As mentioned yesterday, I decided to use painting as another method to be creative. As my voice and music seemed to be touch and go, I needed another creative outlet in addition to my knitting and the occasional posting on the blog. I started the painting last week and this morning I finished it. I'm pleased with it. I love the sunset colours that I managed to create and how they are reflected in the wild waves. I am pleased with how the reds, oranges and blues of the sky reflect on the wet sand as the water retreats back to the lake. The act of painting seems to have released endorphins for me and I've been very happy and relaxed today.
It has been a better day today as I was out this morning to have tea, visit and sing with a couple of good friends. I was able to do this even after an evening of singing last night with my church choir! My voice is on the mend!! Then I was off to run errands and do some groceries before meeting up with another couple of women who have been so supportive as I've struggled. They cheer me along even as I struggled. What a lovely afternoon! I'm feeling so very blessed and happy today. The day has left me with a full feeling of accomplishment. This sort of day truly helps me to feel positive about the future regardless of the fears of the unknown. A simple thing like being creative makes all the difference for me....that and spending time with people. I realize that I'm not the sort of person who can live in a lonely bubble and be happy. Do I like some solitary time? Yes, sometimes. It helps to rejuvenate me. But I need people. I need to feel useful or helpful. I truly need to be creative. Music has always been a part of my life. To lose my singing ability permanently would be a major blow and require another attempt to redefine myself. I am so fortunate that my singing is coming back as I heal and get better from the latest flu. But....I now know that I can still paint in a different medium (acrylic instead of oil) and that I enjoy writing. The blog (started way back in 2012 as a means to inform the many friends and family of what is going on with me regarding the lymphoma) has been unexpectedly good for me to be creative in my writing.
So here's to more good days and great days! And included is my new painting entitled "Sauble Beach Sunset".
Tuesday, 21 January 2020
The Struggle
Time has passed since my last post. At the time of that post, I had a cold that had attached itself to me on November 18. It chose to sit and torment me until just days before Christmas. I am thankful that I was healthy for getting together with friends and family for Christmas. My Christmas day was perfect in my opinion. I love having my table filled with family, love, laughter and food. This is what I remember about the many previous Christmases from my childhood while visiting my grandparents.
Christmas 2019, I was blessed with good health, my children being home, my husband's cousins visiting and enjoying a bountiful meal of turkey with all the trimmings. The table was full of laughter and chatter as we enjoyed each others' company. On Boxing Day (Dec. 26), I felt good and healthy enough to go for a walk. The day was sunny with a slight wind but it was lovely as we were dressed for the weather. Our original plan of a walk in the local conservation area was slightly adjusted to instead being a walk to the bank and some of the stores to see what sales could be had. I was a little wary of going into the stores with my immune system being suppressed. However, I went along into the 2 stores we visited. While in Best Buy, I could hear people hacking and coughing and sneezing. I didn't buy anything but Hubby and some others with us did. I made the mistake of standing in the checkout line with Hubby. On both sides of me, strangers sneezed and coughed without covering their mouths. I instantly told Hubby I was going to wait outside on the bench by the front doors to wait for them. Unfortunately, it was too late. I caught the flu that these people had.
The flu showed up on New Year's Eve day. I ran a fever of 100-101 Fahrenheit from that day until the Saturday. I had a painful racking cough that took my breath away and I was fully congested.....again. As I write this, I am feeling better each day. I find I tire easily and I'm mostly just congested first thing in the morning now. I am finally able to sing again. I truly have had a hoarse speaking and non-existent singing voice since November. However, I am on the mend and I'm singing a little more again.
During this time of illness (November through the first 2 weeks of January), I really struggled with the emotional toll of being sick. Physically I did not have energy to do anything but read and watch television. I was not motivated to write in the blog. When I thought of writing in the blog, all I could think is that no one wants to hear the sad, down-trodden part of living in remission but knowing the whole lymphoma thing will come again. I lost about 8 pounds during this time period. Although it was all explainable as my appetite was affected, I worried. I worried that the lymphoma was back and that this is why I was so sick all the time. I was worried that I was losing weight because there might be tumours inside me that I don't know about eating up all my nutrition. I was worried in the beginning of January that I might have pneumonia. I did go to my family physician to check on that and no, I did not have pneumonia. It was influenza that is going around. That relieved part of my anxiety but I was sad. I was down. I was discouraged as I had no energy. I saw my days gaping ahead of me with no purpose. I was thinking about all the cancer treatments I've gone through since 2012. I was thinking about how quality of life is affected by the treatments, the news that life will not be like it was and there is a "new normal" where I have to watch what I do. These brooding thoughts brought me to a mental place where I saw how the lymphoma has stolen so much from me and although I'm in remission, the treatments have stolen my health from me as well. Of course, there was the news article about Doxarubicin which was in my chemo regime in 2012 and how this "drug" will most likely affect my heart in the years to come too. Quality of life......hmmmmmm.....NOT!! So along with feeling down, I was feeling some anger too.
So I have made the decision to stop whining. I am going to fill my days so I don't have time to brood and go into that dark place that beckons me. I started volunteering in a position where I do not deal with the public but I am doing some good. The volunteer position is not doing anything earth shattering but I feel like I make a bit of a difference. I am sleeping more soundly due to being active. I realized that I need to start walking every day....but I'm putting it off until tomorrow when the temperature will be closer to the freezing mark and not in the deep cold that we've been experiencing. I have also started painting again. I planned on doing that back in the Fall but I just did not have the energy or desire while I was down and out with the cold and then the flu. This past Monday, I started painting a picture of my favourite beach where I enjoyed many hours as a child, teenager and young adult. I used to walk along this beach in the early mornings before any tourists showed up. I love the sunsets which is what I'm working on in this painting. The lake always has rolling, breaking waves. I have never painted breaking waves before and so far, I am pleased with my efforts. Hubby actually recognized the breaking waves!
So the struggle seems to be less this week. Last week, it was a definite struggle. On Thursday last week, I felt like I was in an eddy of blackness that was sucking me down. I went to church on Sunday and the minister's sermon was so very appropriate to what I had been struggling with in the last couple of months. She talked about imperfect people having gifts to offer and use. Her sermon was the impetus I required to get back into painting and writing. To embrace my new volunteer roll. These things along with rejoining the choir, now that I'm healthy, and getting together with friends again is helping to lift me up.
Christmas 2019, I was blessed with good health, my children being home, my husband's cousins visiting and enjoying a bountiful meal of turkey with all the trimmings. The table was full of laughter and chatter as we enjoyed each others' company. On Boxing Day (Dec. 26), I felt good and healthy enough to go for a walk. The day was sunny with a slight wind but it was lovely as we were dressed for the weather. Our original plan of a walk in the local conservation area was slightly adjusted to instead being a walk to the bank and some of the stores to see what sales could be had. I was a little wary of going into the stores with my immune system being suppressed. However, I went along into the 2 stores we visited. While in Best Buy, I could hear people hacking and coughing and sneezing. I didn't buy anything but Hubby and some others with us did. I made the mistake of standing in the checkout line with Hubby. On both sides of me, strangers sneezed and coughed without covering their mouths. I instantly told Hubby I was going to wait outside on the bench by the front doors to wait for them. Unfortunately, it was too late. I caught the flu that these people had.
The flu showed up on New Year's Eve day. I ran a fever of 100-101 Fahrenheit from that day until the Saturday. I had a painful racking cough that took my breath away and I was fully congested.....again. As I write this, I am feeling better each day. I find I tire easily and I'm mostly just congested first thing in the morning now. I am finally able to sing again. I truly have had a hoarse speaking and non-existent singing voice since November. However, I am on the mend and I'm singing a little more again.
During this time of illness (November through the first 2 weeks of January), I really struggled with the emotional toll of being sick. Physically I did not have energy to do anything but read and watch television. I was not motivated to write in the blog. When I thought of writing in the blog, all I could think is that no one wants to hear the sad, down-trodden part of living in remission but knowing the whole lymphoma thing will come again. I lost about 8 pounds during this time period. Although it was all explainable as my appetite was affected, I worried. I worried that the lymphoma was back and that this is why I was so sick all the time. I was worried that I was losing weight because there might be tumours inside me that I don't know about eating up all my nutrition. I was worried in the beginning of January that I might have pneumonia. I did go to my family physician to check on that and no, I did not have pneumonia. It was influenza that is going around. That relieved part of my anxiety but I was sad. I was down. I was discouraged as I had no energy. I saw my days gaping ahead of me with no purpose. I was thinking about all the cancer treatments I've gone through since 2012. I was thinking about how quality of life is affected by the treatments, the news that life will not be like it was and there is a "new normal" where I have to watch what I do. These brooding thoughts brought me to a mental place where I saw how the lymphoma has stolen so much from me and although I'm in remission, the treatments have stolen my health from me as well. Of course, there was the news article about Doxarubicin which was in my chemo regime in 2012 and how this "drug" will most likely affect my heart in the years to come too. Quality of life......hmmmmmm.....NOT!! So along with feeling down, I was feeling some anger too.
So I have made the decision to stop whining. I am going to fill my days so I don't have time to brood and go into that dark place that beckons me. I started volunteering in a position where I do not deal with the public but I am doing some good. The volunteer position is not doing anything earth shattering but I feel like I make a bit of a difference. I am sleeping more soundly due to being active. I realized that I need to start walking every day....but I'm putting it off until tomorrow when the temperature will be closer to the freezing mark and not in the deep cold that we've been experiencing. I have also started painting again. I planned on doing that back in the Fall but I just did not have the energy or desire while I was down and out with the cold and then the flu. This past Monday, I started painting a picture of my favourite beach where I enjoyed many hours as a child, teenager and young adult. I used to walk along this beach in the early mornings before any tourists showed up. I love the sunsets which is what I'm working on in this painting. The lake always has rolling, breaking waves. I have never painted breaking waves before and so far, I am pleased with my efforts. Hubby actually recognized the breaking waves!
So the struggle seems to be less this week. Last week, it was a definite struggle. On Thursday last week, I felt like I was in an eddy of blackness that was sucking me down. I went to church on Sunday and the minister's sermon was so very appropriate to what I had been struggling with in the last couple of months. She talked about imperfect people having gifts to offer and use. Her sermon was the impetus I required to get back into painting and writing. To embrace my new volunteer roll. These things along with rejoining the choir, now that I'm healthy, and getting together with friends again is helping to lift me up.
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