To be honest, I'm getting very discouraged this winter. I had an intestinal flu earlier this week and finally yesterday, I was feeling normal. Hooray!!! I had some energy and happy to be feeling healthy. I went to bed early last night as I was tired. When I laid my head down, I could feel my sinuses filling up. Oh no! Not another cold! And yes, yes it is. My head is full again of congestion and I'm back to having no energy.
I was hoping to get together with friends this morning and I had to cancel that. I was hoping to get together and have coffee at a local coffee shop with some more friends and I had to cancel that. I have been trying to get back into singing and being in the church choir. Tonight is choir practice night and I've had to send an email off to say I won't make it there tonight. I know that the Rituxan has suppressed my immune system but please, God, give me a break from this constantly being ill! I don't want to spread the cold so I quarantine myself to staying at home....and I don't have the energy to go anywhere.
I have to admit that I'm a little worried about being sick all the time. I remind myself that this is the new normal with the Rituxan in my system. But....one of the signs for me when the lymphoma relapsed in 2017 was catching everything that was going around. I used to never get sick. As I felt my sinuses filling up last night, I got scared. So my mind is still playing with me today. "Am I relapsing again?" "I'm losing weight...is it because the lymphoma is back?" (of course, I would lose weight as I had a stomach bug and haven't been able to eat much this week). "I'm so tired all the time." (of course I'm tired, I've started volunteering and filling my days...I'm out of shape). "The night sweats are occurring again...is the lymphoma back?!" (but of course, I'm hot at night...the heat is on and I wear a warm nightgown....but when I don't wear the warm night gown, I'm cold).
It's very tiring to have your mind independently spring these thoughts on you from no where and then you argue with yourself and give plausible explanations. What this creates is fear, confusion and the need to be mentally strong. So, I'm taking care of myself today by drinking lots of steaming cups of tea with honey to help combat the cold. I'm resting. And I'm trying to prevent my thoughts from bringing me down. I think it's time to use the imagery from 2012 where I take the "what ifs" and thrown them in the imaginary closet in my mind and slam the door shut before the other "what ifs" fall out. It's time to take time to be creative and occupy my mind, hence the blog post today.
The blog has been a huge blessing for me as it provides me an outlet to acknowledge my fears and at the same time, hopefully help other people go through their own cancer journeys or other life journeys. Everyone's "trip" is different and unique just like we are different and unique individuals. So today, I acknowledge the fear. After some hot turkey soup for lunch, I think I will pick up my paint brushes and start a new painting. My hope is this activity will occupy my mind and my "what if" thoughts will leave me alone.
I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, Cathy. After all you have been through, your concerns are totally understandable. I am sure all is well though. There is so much going around, it's January, and the time when even the healthiest of souls are coming down with stuff. Take care, rest up, and I pray that spring is a better season for you. Thinking of you, my friend.
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