The Struggle

Time has passed since my last post. At the time of that post, I had a cold that had attached itself to me on November 18. It chose to sit and torment me until just days before Christmas. I am thankful that I was healthy for getting together with friends and family for Christmas. My Christmas day was perfect in my opinion. I love having my table filled with family, love, laughter and food. This is what I remember about the many previous Christmases from my childhood while visiting my grandparents.

Christmas 2019, I was blessed with good health, my children being home, my husband's cousins visiting and enjoying a bountiful meal of turkey with all the trimmings. The table was full of laughter and chatter as we enjoyed each others' company. On Boxing Day (Dec. 26), I felt good and healthy enough to go for a walk. The day was sunny with a slight wind but it was lovely as we were dressed for the weather. Our original plan of a walk in the local conservation area was slightly adjusted to instead being a walk to the bank and some of the stores to see what sales could be had. I was a little wary of going into the stores with my immune system being suppressed. However, I went along into the 2 stores we visited. While in Best Buy, I could hear people hacking and coughing and sneezing. I didn't buy anything but Hubby and some others with us did. I made the mistake of standing in the checkout line with Hubby. On both sides of me, strangers sneezed and coughed without covering their mouths. I instantly told Hubby I was going to wait outside on the bench by the front doors to wait for them. Unfortunately, it was too late. I caught the flu that these people had.

The flu showed up on New Year's Eve day. I ran a fever of 100-101 Fahrenheit from that day until the Saturday. I had a painful racking cough that took my breath away and I was fully congested.....again. As I write this, I am feeling better each day. I find I tire easily and I'm mostly just congested first thing in the morning now. I am finally able to sing again. I truly have had a hoarse speaking and non-existent singing voice since November. However, I am on the mend and I'm singing a little more again.

During this time of illness (November through the first 2 weeks of January), I really struggled with the emotional toll of being sick. Physically I did not have energy to do anything but read and watch television. I was not motivated to write in the blog. When I thought of writing in the blog, all I could think is that no one wants to hear the sad, down-trodden part of living in remission but knowing the whole lymphoma thing will come again. I lost about 8 pounds during this time period. Although it was all explainable as my appetite was affected, I worried. I worried that the lymphoma was back and that this is why I was so sick all the time. I was worried that I was losing weight because there might be tumours inside me that I don't know about eating up all my nutrition. I was worried in the beginning of January that I might have pneumonia. I did go to my family physician to check on that and no, I did not have pneumonia. It was influenza that is going around. That relieved part of my anxiety but I was sad. I was down. I was discouraged as I had no energy. I saw my days gaping ahead of me with no purpose. I was thinking about all the cancer treatments I've gone through since 2012. I was thinking about how quality of life is affected by the treatments, the news that life will not be like it was and there is a "new normal" where I have to watch what I do. These brooding thoughts brought me to a mental place where I saw how the lymphoma has stolen so much from me and although I'm in remission, the treatments have stolen my health from me as well. Of course, there was the news article about Doxarubicin which was in my chemo regime in 2012 and how this "drug" will most likely affect my heart in the years to come too. Quality of life......hmmmmmm.....NOT!! So along with feeling down, I was feeling some anger too.

So I have made the decision to stop whining. I am going to fill my days so I don't have time to brood and go into that dark place that beckons me. I started volunteering in a position where I do not deal with the public but I am doing some good. The volunteer position is not doing anything earth shattering but I feel like I make a bit of a difference. I am sleeping more soundly due to being active. I realized that I need to start walking every day....but I'm putting it off until tomorrow when the temperature will be closer to the freezing mark and not in the deep cold that we've been experiencing. I have also started painting again. I planned on doing that back in the Fall but I just did not have the energy or desire while I was down and out with the cold and then the flu. This past Monday, I started painting a picture of my favourite beach where I enjoyed many hours as a child, teenager and young adult. I used to walk along this beach in the early mornings before any tourists showed up. I love the sunsets which is what I'm working on in this painting. The lake always has rolling, breaking waves. I have never painted breaking waves before and so far, I am pleased with my efforts. Hubby actually recognized the breaking waves!

So the struggle seems to be less this week. Last week, it was a definite struggle. On Thursday last week, I felt like I was in an eddy of blackness that was sucking me down. I went to church on Sunday and the minister's sermon was so very appropriate to what I had been struggling with in the last couple of months. She talked about imperfect people having gifts to offer and use. Her sermon was the impetus I required to get back into painting and writing. To embrace my new volunteer roll. These things along with rejoining the choir, now that I'm healthy, and getting together with friends again is helping to lift me up.