I realized that I have been stuck in place emotionally for months now. While I had a virus for 6-8 weeks before Christmas, I unknowingly started to slide downwards emotionally. I got stuck. I recognized there was an issue with me being unhappy just before Christmas. I wanted to go back to work but that is not my "new normal". I wanted to be out enjoying activities but I seemed to catch a virus or flu every time I went out. So I was "stuck" at home and unhappy. As mentioned in previous posts, I did start volunteering at the local foodbank. Then just before covid-19 shut everything down, they ran out of food for me to sort at the end of February. I was alright with that because The Brier was in Kingston and I was going attend every draw if I could....wearing my mask before it was "a thing".
I'm fortunate that I have lots of hobbies and interests. As mentioned in my last post, I've been knitting therapeutic hand muffs which are also known as fiddle muffs. During this time of self-isolating (to be honest it is what I've been doing since November), I have found a sense of purpose. Knitting has helped me cope with the uncertainty of my future.....when is the lymphoma going to strike again? The rhythmic movement of knitting and the creativity expressed in the fiddle muffs has helped me to be productive and feel useful. Until I stop. During the quiet moments in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep, I worry. I indulge in self-pity. And self-pity is not useful. It is an eddy of blackness just waiting to suck me in. I found myself getting grumpy. I found myself feeling negative emotions. I was losing the battle within. Outwardly, I was enjoying chatting with friends through technical means. I was enjoying being with my family and playing card games. But in the quiet moments? It was a much different story. I didn't want to drag my family or my friends down, so I just suffered in the quiet moments.
Then.....I talked with another friend of mine who is in a worse place physically than I am. We had similar emotions. I was introduced into a Cancer Survivors' Support group called "Thriving and Surviving". I signed up. In this time of self-isolation, we meet using technology. I recognized that some of my feelings were shared with other cancer survivors. Some in a worse place than I am. I realized that I am fortunate. I'm in remission. I have some strength. Last week, 6 yards of triple mix was delivered for my 2 new raised vegetable gardens and also to amend the soil in my existing gardens. I was strong enough to move most of the dirt myself. It took 2 days. I was sore and exhausted at the end of those 2 days. But.....I was strong enough. I'm healthy enough. As part of my homework from my new group, I made a few action plans. One.....walk for an hour every day after supper. I've now walked 2 days in a row. The first night, I wasn't able to do the hour. I walked 40 minutes. I felt like a failure. But I told myself that I will walk the next night (last night). I will walk my full hour. So I did walk after supper last night with Hubby. I did better than the 40 minutes but not quite the full hour. But that's OK. I don't feel like a failure. I walked 50 minutes. So I am going to walk again tonight. I am GOING TO WALK THE FULL HOUR! I refuse to give up.
My second action plan? To write in my blog daily. OK, so it didn't happen 2 days ago. And it didn't happen yesterday. BUT....it's happening today. So I'm hoping (going) to write in the blog every day again. Maybe it will help me get in touch with my thoughts and emotions in a more healthy way. This isn't a chore. I do enjoy writing. I just have to make time to do it. Once I start writing, it just flows from my brain to my fingers and into the keyboard.
My third action plan? To pick up the paint brushes that have not been touched since February. Again, I think I need to write "painting" in my agenda so that I sit down once a week and paint.
I continue to knit the fiddle muffs. I have decided it is interesting for me to make a theme for each one. On the weekend, I made one with a gardening theme. I knit in the grass, the dirt, the sky. I attached some straggly bits of blue as part of the sky and the person who gets the muff and fiddle with the straggly, soft yarn. I learned a new technique called Swiss Darning. I used it to add in a garden shovel and a garden fork. I also used the technique to add a seed with the plant sprouting from it below ground. Above ground, you see the green stems and leaves as well as red flowers. The red flowers were made from straggly red yarn. Again, something to be fiddled with. I then knotted in around the top of the "dirt", yellow pieces of yarn to indicate straw mulch.
I'm currently working on a fiddle muff with a "cottage theme". I used various tones of blue to make the water and then some pinks and the straggly red yarn to make a sunset. Using the Swiss Darning technique, I've added a fir tree or a palm tree. It depends which way you fiddle the green leaves to go. If you fluff them upwards, it looks like a palm tree. If you "pet" the green yarn downwards, it looks like a fir tree. I've put in little raised "waves" and I'm currently (using the Swiss Darning) adding a sail boat. I may also add some white fluffy clouds. I'm not sure on that yet.
I had hoped with all these things filling my days and with the added walking in the evening that I would be sleeping better. Apparently it isn't working yet. Last night I got 3 hours sleep. I don't want o nap during the day because then I'm afraid I won't sleep at night. Oh well......I have realized that this is a minor thing compared to what other people are struggling with. I take pleasure in my gardens already, although I haven't transplanted any plants yet as it is too early and too cold. I saw my first asparagus poking its head above the soil the other day. We had frost last night so I knew it was going to get cold and I covered that poor fragile asparagus with a flower pot to protect it. I'm using my winter green onions and my parsley that is now ready to be snipped. I noticed last night when covering the asparagus that my sage is also showing new shoots of green.
Does the uncertainty of my future health still get to me? Yes it does. But.....I am in a better place emotionally at least today. I'm tired and fatigued but that is due to lack of sleep not any ill health. I'm looking forward to planting my gardens. I'm healthy today and so I will enjoy today.
See you tomorrow.
Wednesday, 13 May 2020
Wednesday, 15 April 2020
Still Here, Still Self-Isolating, Still....
It's been almost a month since my last post. Daughter is still residing with me and finished her self-isolation after arriving from Vietnam. She dodged the bullet and didn't have Covid-19. We are enjoying having her here and have been reconnecting. This has been a lovely silver lining in a time of uncertainty and worry.
I continue to keep myself busy with knitting, gardening and reading to my 90+ year old friend over the phone. I planted my seeds and they sprouted. I've transplanted some of the seedlings into bigger pots to help them grow stronger. In the last month, I've knitted 2 pairs of slipper socks and three therapeutic hand muffs. The hand muffs are becoming works of art as I continue to use up leftover yarn and reuse other materials from my sewing kit and "bag of rags". Some of the muffs have tiny pockets. One muff has a nautical theme and the most recent one that I've finished has a musical theme. The one I've just started will have a fishing theme. I might knit a boat and a fishing pole hanging out of it and then when I'm finished and adding bits of tactile interest, I think I'll sew in a long piece of yarn and attach a fish at the end of it. I think I'll use up some squares of denim to make the fish and then stuff it. I'm thinking of using a variety of blues and greens in the yarn as I knit to give it a "water" look. The boat will probably be made with a brown yarn or maybe 2 shades of brown. Who knows.....that's the joy of creating the pattern as I go.
Hubby, Daughter and I had a lovely Easter although we missed Son....he is unable to come home to visit until this pandemic is deemed at an end. But after our turkey dinner, we connected with Son through technology and enjoyed a visit of our family of 4. It wasn't ideal but it was the next best thing to having him home with the rest of us. I think of him every day and can't wait until I can hold him and see him in person.
The knitting has been helping me deal with some anxiety. I am due to go into the hospital next week for my first 6 month check up with my oncologist. I assumed that this would be cancelled due to the pandemic but I haven't heard anything yet. However, I did see an update yesterday that indicated locally we have no people hospitalized due to Covid-19 and there have only been 3 new cases in the last week. The self-isolation seems to be working. I must say that Hubby and I have gone out for a walk twice in the last week. We make sure that if someone is coming towards us on the sidewalk, we quickly turn off that street or we move off the sidewalk and walk in the middle of the road. These 2 times have been the only time that I've gone out. Daughter does my groceries for me every 2 weeks and Hubby makes our bi-weekly trip to Costco if it is needed. The two of them always make sure that they use the hand sanitizer in the car and then also wash their hands in hot, soapy water when they get home after they have unloaded the groceries and put them away. Hubby has taken over the cleaning of the bathrooms but I continue to do the laundry in hot water. I make sure to change the towels daily and I launder the towels every other day. I still do the dusting and the vacuuming as well as the cleaning of the kitchen.
On top of all this, our furnace needed to be replaced immediately. We had a local company come in and they were very good with using masks, gloves and wiping all surfaces with Clorox wipes before they left. So we now have a new furnace and air conditioner. I have to say that I had a good chuckle when they were installing the air conditioner outside........in a flurry of heavy, white snow flakes! I saw the irony and enjoyed a good laugh with the installers but from a distance. It sure helped lighten my mood.
So I am still here. I'm still self-isolating. I am "still". I start my day with reflection, meditation and prayer. It keeps my inner sense of well-being and helps me be still. Reflection with total silence is so refreshing for me. I end up being rejuvenated and less stressed. This morning I woke up feeling anxious and restless. I had my morning cup of coffee but couldn't settle. I was up pacing in front of our living room windows while looking out. I was looking up the street. I looked down the street. I looked at the street across the road from our driveway. I paced some more. Then I realized that I felt like a caged tiger walking from one end of the cage to the other while looking out at the people. So I forced myself to sit. I knitted. I still couldn't settle. So I read my book. I still was restless. I picked up my copy of The Friendship Book and read today's entry. It did nothing for me. Then I picked up a daily reading book that my cousin-in-law/friend gave me that is filled with a scripture reading and then a reflection. It was just what I needed. I read it. I prayed for peace of mind and body. I finally felt an inner stillness that has stayed with me. I think it is very important for us to just be......or just be still.
I continue to keep myself busy with knitting, gardening and reading to my 90+ year old friend over the phone. I planted my seeds and they sprouted. I've transplanted some of the seedlings into bigger pots to help them grow stronger. In the last month, I've knitted 2 pairs of slipper socks and three therapeutic hand muffs. The hand muffs are becoming works of art as I continue to use up leftover yarn and reuse other materials from my sewing kit and "bag of rags". Some of the muffs have tiny pockets. One muff has a nautical theme and the most recent one that I've finished has a musical theme. The one I've just started will have a fishing theme. I might knit a boat and a fishing pole hanging out of it and then when I'm finished and adding bits of tactile interest, I think I'll sew in a long piece of yarn and attach a fish at the end of it. I think I'll use up some squares of denim to make the fish and then stuff it. I'm thinking of using a variety of blues and greens in the yarn as I knit to give it a "water" look. The boat will probably be made with a brown yarn or maybe 2 shades of brown. Who knows.....that's the joy of creating the pattern as I go.
Hubby, Daughter and I had a lovely Easter although we missed Son....he is unable to come home to visit until this pandemic is deemed at an end. But after our turkey dinner, we connected with Son through technology and enjoyed a visit of our family of 4. It wasn't ideal but it was the next best thing to having him home with the rest of us. I think of him every day and can't wait until I can hold him and see him in person.
The knitting has been helping me deal with some anxiety. I am due to go into the hospital next week for my first 6 month check up with my oncologist. I assumed that this would be cancelled due to the pandemic but I haven't heard anything yet. However, I did see an update yesterday that indicated locally we have no people hospitalized due to Covid-19 and there have only been 3 new cases in the last week. The self-isolation seems to be working. I must say that Hubby and I have gone out for a walk twice in the last week. We make sure that if someone is coming towards us on the sidewalk, we quickly turn off that street or we move off the sidewalk and walk in the middle of the road. These 2 times have been the only time that I've gone out. Daughter does my groceries for me every 2 weeks and Hubby makes our bi-weekly trip to Costco if it is needed. The two of them always make sure that they use the hand sanitizer in the car and then also wash their hands in hot, soapy water when they get home after they have unloaded the groceries and put them away. Hubby has taken over the cleaning of the bathrooms but I continue to do the laundry in hot water. I make sure to change the towels daily and I launder the towels every other day. I still do the dusting and the vacuuming as well as the cleaning of the kitchen.
On top of all this, our furnace needed to be replaced immediately. We had a local company come in and they were very good with using masks, gloves and wiping all surfaces with Clorox wipes before they left. So we now have a new furnace and air conditioner. I have to say that I had a good chuckle when they were installing the air conditioner outside........in a flurry of heavy, white snow flakes! I saw the irony and enjoyed a good laugh with the installers but from a distance. It sure helped lighten my mood.
So I am still here. I'm still self-isolating. I am "still". I start my day with reflection, meditation and prayer. It keeps my inner sense of well-being and helps me be still. Reflection with total silence is so refreshing for me. I end up being rejuvenated and less stressed. This morning I woke up feeling anxious and restless. I had my morning cup of coffee but couldn't settle. I was up pacing in front of our living room windows while looking out. I was looking up the street. I looked down the street. I looked at the street across the road from our driveway. I paced some more. Then I realized that I felt like a caged tiger walking from one end of the cage to the other while looking out at the people. So I forced myself to sit. I knitted. I still couldn't settle. So I read my book. I still was restless. I picked up my copy of The Friendship Book and read today's entry. It did nothing for me. Then I picked up a daily reading book that my cousin-in-law/friend gave me that is filled with a scripture reading and then a reflection. It was just what I needed. I read it. I prayed for peace of mind and body. I finally felt an inner stillness that has stayed with me. I think it is very important for us to just be......or just be still.
Wednesday, 18 March 2020
COVID-19 Pandemic, A Suppressed Immune System and How to Cope
A lot has changed in the last 4 weeks since my last post. I continue to catch colds on a regular basis. Over the winter, I have restricted some of my activity. This is just the same thing that I have been doing for the last 3 years since the stem cell transplant. However, I am a social being and I enjoy seeing just a couple of friends at a time. The is called limiting my exposure to large crowds. I go to independent coffee shops that are not large chains. I'm exposed to less people and less germs. I'm supporting local businesses. I'm able to see my friends on a regular basis. When I go to church, I sing in the choir. I have not stayed for coffee hour after the service due to limiting my exposure to large groups of people. There are only 8 people in the choir. So I'm exposed to 8 people in close proximity rather than a crowd of 30 or more in close proximity. This has been my norm for the last 3 years. Hubby and I will go to dinner but it is at small local restaurants with less people than the large chains. This has been the first winter where I've been ill more often than not. Nothing more serious than the common cold or influenza but it hangs on for weeks at a time with me whereas with "normal" people it lasts 10 days and it is done. So I have limited the hockey games I go to.
Then The Brier (national men's curling championship) was held in my town. Hubby and I bought seats for the whole week event about a year and a half ago. I really wanted to attend. So I managed to get some masks and I wore a mask every single time I was in the building. Usually I was there early enough to put the mask on in my seat before people had arrived around me. The few times that I was later getting to the venue, I immediately went to the women's restroom and put my mask on. The mask was worn to protect me from regular colds and flus. At that time, my town did not have any cases of COVID-19. I wore the masks because it made sense for me to do so. When I was in hospital having my stem cell transplant done, I had to wear a mask when I left my room. The mask kept "germs" from entering my system. It protected me from others. It makes sense to me that I should do the same thing in large crowds. So I wore the mask at The Brier. I received stares and looks that varied. Most had the look that I was over reacting to the Coronavirus. My wearing a mask had nothing to do with the Coronavirus. I received sneering looks that said "If you're sick, stay home!". I was not sick. I was protecting myself. By the end of the week, I was no longer looking at people as I walked. I was looking down at the ground because I didn't want to see them judging me....actually misjudging me. My self-esteem took a big hit. Hubby was very supportive and we had a good time together attending The Brier. We met 2 men who were visiting the city for The Brier for the week. Early in the week, I let them know that I was not sick...that my immune system is permanently suppressed due to my cancer history and I was wearing the mask for self-protection. It was all good. We laughed with them. We joked with them. They told me they could tell when I was joking not because they could see me smile (it was hidden by the mask) but because my eyes sparkled in mischief. Also my eyes would crinkle. I was glad I wore the mask because we had a group sitting behind us who were very sick all week. One of the ladies didn't ever cover her mouth when she coughed or sneezed. I would feel my hair move. So...despite the late hour of returning home, I always had a hot shower and washed my hair to kill the germs that were spread. And they were spread. The gentleman sitting in the row in front of us started with the same cough late in the week. At best, these ladies had the flu. At worst....COVID-19?...who knows. I had my mask. I had to use hand sanitizer on my coat as they coughed on it and their water bottles touched my coat as, without my knowing, it had fallen over the back of my seat and was close to the sick ladies' drink holders on the back of the seats. After The Brier was finished, I washed my coat to kill the germs.
In the midst of all of this, Daughter was in Thailand since mid-January.....before the outbreak of the Coronavirus had made the news headlines. She left Thailand at the end of The Brier and went to Laos. Her pictures she sent and messages she sent were amazing! Then she travelled by bus to Vietnam. Hanoi, where she disembarked from the bus and went to a hostel, was a ghost town according to Daughter. Everything was closed. Bars, restaurants, tourist attractions were all closed. Hostels were closing. Daughter is now home and living in our basement as she is in self-isolation. She has no symptoms. Because of my immune system, she and I can not see each other. We correspond by intercom (our phone system) and by messages. I leave food for her on a table outside her door. Hubby brings up the dirty dishes and they are washed with the sanitizing cycle in the dishwasher. COVID-19 has arrived in our city. The hand washing, hand sanitizing, cleaning and sanitizing surfaces is not new to my household. We have had to do this for the last 3 years and will always have to do this. Really, nothing has changed in our household. The only thing is that Hubby will now do all the grocery shopping. I'm in self-isolation for my own protection. I have been doing this all winter anyway.
I hear reports on the news and from people on Facebook, that everyone thinks it is a real challenge to self-isolate for 14 days. Really?!! 14 days is nothing. I've been having to do this all winter for the most part. People are struggling with anxiety and what to do to fill their time. Well, here's my suggestions. When the anxiety becomes overwhelming, turn off the news, Facebook and unplug! Don't let anxiety overtake you and rob you of your current day. If you spend your time worrying, you won't enjoy your day and you've lost it without even having caught the pandemic. Fear is just as real a threat. Read a book. Learn a new skill. If you don't know much about cooking, learn to cook. Try out new recipes. Bake. Knit. Watch something on television that is not "heavy". Pray. Breathe. Talk to friends on the phone. Plant some seeds and watch them grow. Seeing the new growth helps lift the spirits and gives hope. Speaking of which....I did an experiment a couple of weeks ago. I took the heels (the ends) of finished romaine lettuce heads and put them in bowls in water just to see if they would sprout roots so I could plant them. Well, they haven't sprouted roots yet, but they have all sprouted new healthy green leaves in the centres. I used some today to make a caesar salad! I'm still hoping they will sprout roots and I can plant them in pots or outside when the weather is warmer. Hope....positivity. Small things like this can make us feel better.
In closing, I could give in to some nasty fear. I could worry about what Daughter has been exposed to in her travels home through Hanoi, Tokyo, Vancouver and Montreal airports as well as on the planes. I could worry. I could let it steal my day. Instead, I try to communicate with my daughter through other means than face to face. Do I want to hug and hold her and reassure her? Absolutely!! I can't wait until I can do this. In the meantime, I'm cooking healthy meals for her and making some of her favourite foods to show my love. I'm still volunteering reading to my friend in the retirement home but now I read to him over the phone as the facility is closed to the public. When the weather is warm enough (and if the facility is still closed), I will sit outside his window in my lawn chair and read to him over the phone. He won't see me clearly but he will know that I'm there. There are ways to survive self-isolation for 14 days. Don't complain! You don't have to self-isolate for the rest of your life like those people who have compromised immune systems.
Then The Brier (national men's curling championship) was held in my town. Hubby and I bought seats for the whole week event about a year and a half ago. I really wanted to attend. So I managed to get some masks and I wore a mask every single time I was in the building. Usually I was there early enough to put the mask on in my seat before people had arrived around me. The few times that I was later getting to the venue, I immediately went to the women's restroom and put my mask on. The mask was worn to protect me from regular colds and flus. At that time, my town did not have any cases of COVID-19. I wore the masks because it made sense for me to do so. When I was in hospital having my stem cell transplant done, I had to wear a mask when I left my room. The mask kept "germs" from entering my system. It protected me from others. It makes sense to me that I should do the same thing in large crowds. So I wore the mask at The Brier. I received stares and looks that varied. Most had the look that I was over reacting to the Coronavirus. My wearing a mask had nothing to do with the Coronavirus. I received sneering looks that said "If you're sick, stay home!". I was not sick. I was protecting myself. By the end of the week, I was no longer looking at people as I walked. I was looking down at the ground because I didn't want to see them judging me....actually misjudging me. My self-esteem took a big hit. Hubby was very supportive and we had a good time together attending The Brier. We met 2 men who were visiting the city for The Brier for the week. Early in the week, I let them know that I was not sick...that my immune system is permanently suppressed due to my cancer history and I was wearing the mask for self-protection. It was all good. We laughed with them. We joked with them. They told me they could tell when I was joking not because they could see me smile (it was hidden by the mask) but because my eyes sparkled in mischief. Also my eyes would crinkle. I was glad I wore the mask because we had a group sitting behind us who were very sick all week. One of the ladies didn't ever cover her mouth when she coughed or sneezed. I would feel my hair move. So...despite the late hour of returning home, I always had a hot shower and washed my hair to kill the germs that were spread. And they were spread. The gentleman sitting in the row in front of us started with the same cough late in the week. At best, these ladies had the flu. At worst....COVID-19?...who knows. I had my mask. I had to use hand sanitizer on my coat as they coughed on it and their water bottles touched my coat as, without my knowing, it had fallen over the back of my seat and was close to the sick ladies' drink holders on the back of the seats. After The Brier was finished, I washed my coat to kill the germs.
In the midst of all of this, Daughter was in Thailand since mid-January.....before the outbreak of the Coronavirus had made the news headlines. She left Thailand at the end of The Brier and went to Laos. Her pictures she sent and messages she sent were amazing! Then she travelled by bus to Vietnam. Hanoi, where she disembarked from the bus and went to a hostel, was a ghost town according to Daughter. Everything was closed. Bars, restaurants, tourist attractions were all closed. Hostels were closing. Daughter is now home and living in our basement as she is in self-isolation. She has no symptoms. Because of my immune system, she and I can not see each other. We correspond by intercom (our phone system) and by messages. I leave food for her on a table outside her door. Hubby brings up the dirty dishes and they are washed with the sanitizing cycle in the dishwasher. COVID-19 has arrived in our city. The hand washing, hand sanitizing, cleaning and sanitizing surfaces is not new to my household. We have had to do this for the last 3 years and will always have to do this. Really, nothing has changed in our household. The only thing is that Hubby will now do all the grocery shopping. I'm in self-isolation for my own protection. I have been doing this all winter anyway.
I hear reports on the news and from people on Facebook, that everyone thinks it is a real challenge to self-isolate for 14 days. Really?!! 14 days is nothing. I've been having to do this all winter for the most part. People are struggling with anxiety and what to do to fill their time. Well, here's my suggestions. When the anxiety becomes overwhelming, turn off the news, Facebook and unplug! Don't let anxiety overtake you and rob you of your current day. If you spend your time worrying, you won't enjoy your day and you've lost it without even having caught the pandemic. Fear is just as real a threat. Read a book. Learn a new skill. If you don't know much about cooking, learn to cook. Try out new recipes. Bake. Knit. Watch something on television that is not "heavy". Pray. Breathe. Talk to friends on the phone. Plant some seeds and watch them grow. Seeing the new growth helps lift the spirits and gives hope. Speaking of which....I did an experiment a couple of weeks ago. I took the heels (the ends) of finished romaine lettuce heads and put them in bowls in water just to see if they would sprout roots so I could plant them. Well, they haven't sprouted roots yet, but they have all sprouted new healthy green leaves in the centres. I used some today to make a caesar salad! I'm still hoping they will sprout roots and I can plant them in pots or outside when the weather is warmer. Hope....positivity. Small things like this can make us feel better.
In closing, I could give in to some nasty fear. I could worry about what Daughter has been exposed to in her travels home through Hanoi, Tokyo, Vancouver and Montreal airports as well as on the planes. I could worry. I could let it steal my day. Instead, I try to communicate with my daughter through other means than face to face. Do I want to hug and hold her and reassure her? Absolutely!! I can't wait until I can do this. In the meantime, I'm cooking healthy meals for her and making some of her favourite foods to show my love. I'm still volunteering reading to my friend in the retirement home but now I read to him over the phone as the facility is closed to the public. When the weather is warm enough (and if the facility is still closed), I will sit outside his window in my lawn chair and read to him over the phone. He won't see me clearly but he will know that I'm there. There are ways to survive self-isolation for 14 days. Don't complain! You don't have to self-isolate for the rest of your life like those people who have compromised immune systems.
Thursday, 13 February 2020
Keeping Busy and Healthy....Keeping Fear Away
I have finally strung together a few weeks of good health. I have discovered that I need to stay busy in order to block the thoughts of returned illness. Currently, illness refers to the number of colds and flu that are circulating in my community. Of course, there is always the lurking and dreaded thoughts of relapsed lymphoma. That illness is always on the perimeter of my thoughts. But for now, I have been healthy and keeping myself busy.
I started volunteering for the local food bank in January and I am enjoying it. I do not work with other volunteers very often and I enjoy the physical aspect of the position. I am feeling a little stronger all the time. I have been reading for my enjoyment and relaxation but I have also started reading to a friend of mine who has lost his vision. I went to the local library and picked up a book by one of his favourite authors. I only read about 1 hour per day but not on weekends. I suspect that I will have to renew this book at least 2 times and perhaps more before we are finished with it. I enjoy this activity very much. It gives me an opportunity to visit with him and it gets me out of the house. I'm also filling my day with attempting another painting.
A year ago today at this exact time, Hubby and I were in British Columbia and making our way to Tofino. There had been a major snow storm which was unusual for Vancouver Island. I took a picture during our drive that caught the snow covered fir trees on Mount Malahat. So I am attempting to recreate that memory with the use of my photograph. It is going to be a challenge for me as I have never painted trees laden with snow. The boughs were bent downwards due the weight of the snow. It was a very pretty drive but it was slippery in some spots.
I miss going to the live hockey games that we used to go to regularly. I am afraid to go now because after going the last few times, I seemed to come home with a major cold which would show up about 3-5 days later. I seem to have difficulty getting rid of these colds. This is my new normal. I miss the live action at the games. I love going to the games and cheering for our local OHL team. As for catching colds, I'm on alert all the time. Hubby has caught a cold this week and I'm trying to keep everything clean and sanitized so that I don't catch it. Since Hubby already has this cold, I've given my son permission to come home this weekend even though he also has a cold. It is Family Day on Monday and my son's birthday is coming up very soon as well. So I'm happy that he is coming home but I'm also afraid of catching the cold. I do not want to be sick again. I want to continue to be healthy. Do I wear a mask and go to the hockey games? This would give me pleasure to be at the games but I don't want people staring at me especially in light of the world's crisis with the Coronavirus. With Hubby currently have the cold, should I be wearing a mask all the time? I sometimes feel like I'm losing the battle. One step forward and then two or three steps backwards. I always said I don't want to live in a bubble where I don't see people. But I don't want to catch any more bugs. What to do! It is a dilemna.
I remember my oncologist telling me to manage the risks. This is why I can't work with people. I have to manage the risk of getting sick. I am very aware when I'm in a public place and I cringe when I hear someone cough or sneeze. I'm afraid....afraid the germs are going to float over to me and infect me. I'm afraid I'm going to touch some surface and catch another bug. I use hand sanitizer all the time when I'm out. I go grocery shopping and I use hand sanitizer as soon as I get back in my car. When I've gone to a hockey game, I use hand sanitizer as soon as I am seated in my seat. Hubby and I go early so we avoid the crowds before the game. I do not walk around during the intermissions. I stay in my seat. Hubby and I wait until most of the crowds have left after the game before we leave our seats and make our way to our car. I'm trying to manage the risks. But I'm afraid I'm becoming paranoid.
In order to combat the fears and germ paranoia, I keep busy. I volunteer. I read. I paint. I clean and keep up with household chores. Then the fear hits again. Am I becoming obsessive and compulsive?! I wash my hands many multiple times in a day. I use hand sanitizer on top of all the hand washing. It is winter and because I have sensitive skin, my hands are getting chapped so I'm using my favourite hand lotion which keeps the skin from cracking. The next thought is.....is this really good quality of life? Being afraid to go out in public places because of other people having cold and flu bugs but not washing their hands or covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze?
So the cycle continues. Fretful and fearful thoughts followed by filling my time with friends, volunteering and hobbies so that the fretful and fearful thoughts don't take hold. Then the next cold hits and takes hold....so the cycle continues. More hand washing, isolating, trying to fill the time during the day and trying to get myself healthy again. But.....I can stop this cycle. I visit with friends. I read. I volunteer. I paint. And I pray. I pray for good health. I pray for the fearful thoughts to dissipate. I shove them in my new closet for the "What ifs". The old closet was too full and I couldn't fit them in anymore. So expanded and built a new "What ifs" closet in my mind. Imagery does help. But only sometimes.
In ending today's post, if you see me with a mask on as I go out into public spaces, please don't stare. Please don't judge. Please don't assume that I'm someone who is panicking because of the coronavirus. Please be aware that I'm trying to enjoy a good quality of life but I'm also having to manage my risks and protect myself from the common cold or flu. This winter, the common cold lasts up to 4 weeks with me. The flu lasts 2 weeks. I'm wearing a mask only to protect myself. And I'm trying really hard to avoid being a germaphobe lunatic.
I started volunteering for the local food bank in January and I am enjoying it. I do not work with other volunteers very often and I enjoy the physical aspect of the position. I am feeling a little stronger all the time. I have been reading for my enjoyment and relaxation but I have also started reading to a friend of mine who has lost his vision. I went to the local library and picked up a book by one of his favourite authors. I only read about 1 hour per day but not on weekends. I suspect that I will have to renew this book at least 2 times and perhaps more before we are finished with it. I enjoy this activity very much. It gives me an opportunity to visit with him and it gets me out of the house. I'm also filling my day with attempting another painting.
A year ago today at this exact time, Hubby and I were in British Columbia and making our way to Tofino. There had been a major snow storm which was unusual for Vancouver Island. I took a picture during our drive that caught the snow covered fir trees on Mount Malahat. So I am attempting to recreate that memory with the use of my photograph. It is going to be a challenge for me as I have never painted trees laden with snow. The boughs were bent downwards due the weight of the snow. It was a very pretty drive but it was slippery in some spots.
I miss going to the live hockey games that we used to go to regularly. I am afraid to go now because after going the last few times, I seemed to come home with a major cold which would show up about 3-5 days later. I seem to have difficulty getting rid of these colds. This is my new normal. I miss the live action at the games. I love going to the games and cheering for our local OHL team. As for catching colds, I'm on alert all the time. Hubby has caught a cold this week and I'm trying to keep everything clean and sanitized so that I don't catch it. Since Hubby already has this cold, I've given my son permission to come home this weekend even though he also has a cold. It is Family Day on Monday and my son's birthday is coming up very soon as well. So I'm happy that he is coming home but I'm also afraid of catching the cold. I do not want to be sick again. I want to continue to be healthy. Do I wear a mask and go to the hockey games? This would give me pleasure to be at the games but I don't want people staring at me especially in light of the world's crisis with the Coronavirus. With Hubby currently have the cold, should I be wearing a mask all the time? I sometimes feel like I'm losing the battle. One step forward and then two or three steps backwards. I always said I don't want to live in a bubble where I don't see people. But I don't want to catch any more bugs. What to do! It is a dilemna.
I remember my oncologist telling me to manage the risks. This is why I can't work with people. I have to manage the risk of getting sick. I am very aware when I'm in a public place and I cringe when I hear someone cough or sneeze. I'm afraid....afraid the germs are going to float over to me and infect me. I'm afraid I'm going to touch some surface and catch another bug. I use hand sanitizer all the time when I'm out. I go grocery shopping and I use hand sanitizer as soon as I get back in my car. When I've gone to a hockey game, I use hand sanitizer as soon as I am seated in my seat. Hubby and I go early so we avoid the crowds before the game. I do not walk around during the intermissions. I stay in my seat. Hubby and I wait until most of the crowds have left after the game before we leave our seats and make our way to our car. I'm trying to manage the risks. But I'm afraid I'm becoming paranoid.
In order to combat the fears and germ paranoia, I keep busy. I volunteer. I read. I paint. I clean and keep up with household chores. Then the fear hits again. Am I becoming obsessive and compulsive?! I wash my hands many multiple times in a day. I use hand sanitizer on top of all the hand washing. It is winter and because I have sensitive skin, my hands are getting chapped so I'm using my favourite hand lotion which keeps the skin from cracking. The next thought is.....is this really good quality of life? Being afraid to go out in public places because of other people having cold and flu bugs but not washing their hands or covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze?
So the cycle continues. Fretful and fearful thoughts followed by filling my time with friends, volunteering and hobbies so that the fretful and fearful thoughts don't take hold. Then the next cold hits and takes hold....so the cycle continues. More hand washing, isolating, trying to fill the time during the day and trying to get myself healthy again. But.....I can stop this cycle. I visit with friends. I read. I volunteer. I paint. And I pray. I pray for good health. I pray for the fearful thoughts to dissipate. I shove them in my new closet for the "What ifs". The old closet was too full and I couldn't fit them in anymore. So expanded and built a new "What ifs" closet in my mind. Imagery does help. But only sometimes.
In ending today's post, if you see me with a mask on as I go out into public spaces, please don't stare. Please don't judge. Please don't assume that I'm someone who is panicking because of the coronavirus. Please be aware that I'm trying to enjoy a good quality of life but I'm also having to manage my risks and protect myself from the common cold or flu. This winter, the common cold lasts up to 4 weeks with me. The flu lasts 2 weeks. I'm wearing a mask only to protect myself. And I'm trying really hard to avoid being a germaphobe lunatic.
Thursday, 30 January 2020
A Day Full of Discouraging Fear
To be honest, I'm getting very discouraged this winter. I had an intestinal flu earlier this week and finally yesterday, I was feeling normal. Hooray!!! I had some energy and happy to be feeling healthy. I went to bed early last night as I was tired. When I laid my head down, I could feel my sinuses filling up. Oh no! Not another cold! And yes, yes it is. My head is full again of congestion and I'm back to having no energy.
I was hoping to get together with friends this morning and I had to cancel that. I was hoping to get together and have coffee at a local coffee shop with some more friends and I had to cancel that. I have been trying to get back into singing and being in the church choir. Tonight is choir practice night and I've had to send an email off to say I won't make it there tonight. I know that the Rituxan has suppressed my immune system but please, God, give me a break from this constantly being ill! I don't want to spread the cold so I quarantine myself to staying at home....and I don't have the energy to go anywhere.
I have to admit that I'm a little worried about being sick all the time. I remind myself that this is the new normal with the Rituxan in my system. But....one of the signs for me when the lymphoma relapsed in 2017 was catching everything that was going around. I used to never get sick. As I felt my sinuses filling up last night, I got scared. So my mind is still playing with me today. "Am I relapsing again?" "I'm losing weight...is it because the lymphoma is back?" (of course, I would lose weight as I had a stomach bug and haven't been able to eat much this week). "I'm so tired all the time." (of course I'm tired, I've started volunteering and filling my days...I'm out of shape). "The night sweats are occurring again...is the lymphoma back?!" (but of course, I'm hot at night...the heat is on and I wear a warm nightgown....but when I don't wear the warm night gown, I'm cold).
It's very tiring to have your mind independently spring these thoughts on you from no where and then you argue with yourself and give plausible explanations. What this creates is fear, confusion and the need to be mentally strong. So, I'm taking care of myself today by drinking lots of steaming cups of tea with honey to help combat the cold. I'm resting. And I'm trying to prevent my thoughts from bringing me down. I think it's time to use the imagery from 2012 where I take the "what ifs" and thrown them in the imaginary closet in my mind and slam the door shut before the other "what ifs" fall out. It's time to take time to be creative and occupy my mind, hence the blog post today.
The blog has been a huge blessing for me as it provides me an outlet to acknowledge my fears and at the same time, hopefully help other people go through their own cancer journeys or other life journeys. Everyone's "trip" is different and unique just like we are different and unique individuals. So today, I acknowledge the fear. After some hot turkey soup for lunch, I think I will pick up my paint brushes and start a new painting. My hope is this activity will occupy my mind and my "what if" thoughts will leave me alone.
I was hoping to get together with friends this morning and I had to cancel that. I was hoping to get together and have coffee at a local coffee shop with some more friends and I had to cancel that. I have been trying to get back into singing and being in the church choir. Tonight is choir practice night and I've had to send an email off to say I won't make it there tonight. I know that the Rituxan has suppressed my immune system but please, God, give me a break from this constantly being ill! I don't want to spread the cold so I quarantine myself to staying at home....and I don't have the energy to go anywhere.
I have to admit that I'm a little worried about being sick all the time. I remind myself that this is the new normal with the Rituxan in my system. But....one of the signs for me when the lymphoma relapsed in 2017 was catching everything that was going around. I used to never get sick. As I felt my sinuses filling up last night, I got scared. So my mind is still playing with me today. "Am I relapsing again?" "I'm losing weight...is it because the lymphoma is back?" (of course, I would lose weight as I had a stomach bug and haven't been able to eat much this week). "I'm so tired all the time." (of course I'm tired, I've started volunteering and filling my days...I'm out of shape). "The night sweats are occurring again...is the lymphoma back?!" (but of course, I'm hot at night...the heat is on and I wear a warm nightgown....but when I don't wear the warm night gown, I'm cold).
It's very tiring to have your mind independently spring these thoughts on you from no where and then you argue with yourself and give plausible explanations. What this creates is fear, confusion and the need to be mentally strong. So, I'm taking care of myself today by drinking lots of steaming cups of tea with honey to help combat the cold. I'm resting. And I'm trying to prevent my thoughts from bringing me down. I think it's time to use the imagery from 2012 where I take the "what ifs" and thrown them in the imaginary closet in my mind and slam the door shut before the other "what ifs" fall out. It's time to take time to be creative and occupy my mind, hence the blog post today.
The blog has been a huge blessing for me as it provides me an outlet to acknowledge my fears and at the same time, hopefully help other people go through their own cancer journeys or other life journeys. Everyone's "trip" is different and unique just like we are different and unique individuals. So today, I acknowledge the fear. After some hot turkey soup for lunch, I think I will pick up my paint brushes and start a new painting. My hope is this activity will occupy my mind and my "what if" thoughts will leave me alone.
Thursday, 23 January 2020
A Better Day
I woke up this morning at 4:30. I was wide awake and headed for the computer to do some banking and just to surf. I got bored and tired but now it was too close to getting up at a normal time. So, I decided to work on my painting.
Late last summer, a friend of mine posted some pictures she had taken at one of my favourite beaches. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I decided to attempt to paint this favourite place. I neglected to mention yesterday, that this was the first beach my children went to as toddlers. As a young family, Hubby, our children and myself would visit here as part of our summer vacation. I remember burying the children in the sand. I remember making sand castles with them on the beach. We would go wading into the water and jump into the big waves on a hot summer day. As our children grew, they would play frisbee on the beach with dear old Dad and Mom. A football was known to be thrown around as well. Of course, there was always the sunscreen being slathered on as my children inherited my very fair skin along with the red hair. After a busy day, it was always so relaxing to walk along the beach and watch the sunset. So when my friend posted a picture of a sunset at this beach, I asked her permission to download it onto my computer and use it as inspiration for a painting...sometime in the future. As mentioned yesterday, I decided to use painting as another method to be creative. As my voice and music seemed to be touch and go, I needed another creative outlet in addition to my knitting and the occasional posting on the blog. I started the painting last week and this morning I finished it. I'm pleased with it. I love the sunset colours that I managed to create and how they are reflected in the wild waves. I am pleased with how the reds, oranges and blues of the sky reflect on the wet sand as the water retreats back to the lake. The act of painting seems to have released endorphins for me and I've been very happy and relaxed today.
It has been a better day today as I was out this morning to have tea, visit and sing with a couple of good friends. I was able to do this even after an evening of singing last night with my church choir! My voice is on the mend!! Then I was off to run errands and do some groceries before meeting up with another couple of women who have been so supportive as I've struggled. They cheer me along even as I struggled. What a lovely afternoon! I'm feeling so very blessed and happy today. The day has left me with a full feeling of accomplishment. This sort of day truly helps me to feel positive about the future regardless of the fears of the unknown. A simple thing like being creative makes all the difference for me....that and spending time with people. I realize that I'm not the sort of person who can live in a lonely bubble and be happy. Do I like some solitary time? Yes, sometimes. It helps to rejuvenate me. But I need people. I need to feel useful or helpful. I truly need to be creative. Music has always been a part of my life. To lose my singing ability permanently would be a major blow and require another attempt to redefine myself. I am so fortunate that my singing is coming back as I heal and get better from the latest flu. But....I now know that I can still paint in a different medium (acrylic instead of oil) and that I enjoy writing. The blog (started way back in 2012 as a means to inform the many friends and family of what is going on with me regarding the lymphoma) has been unexpectedly good for me to be creative in my writing.
So here's to more good days and great days! And included is my new painting entitled "Sauble Beach Sunset".
Late last summer, a friend of mine posted some pictures she had taken at one of my favourite beaches. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I decided to attempt to paint this favourite place. I neglected to mention yesterday, that this was the first beach my children went to as toddlers. As a young family, Hubby, our children and myself would visit here as part of our summer vacation. I remember burying the children in the sand. I remember making sand castles with them on the beach. We would go wading into the water and jump into the big waves on a hot summer day. As our children grew, they would play frisbee on the beach with dear old Dad and Mom. A football was known to be thrown around as well. Of course, there was always the sunscreen being slathered on as my children inherited my very fair skin along with the red hair. After a busy day, it was always so relaxing to walk along the beach and watch the sunset. So when my friend posted a picture of a sunset at this beach, I asked her permission to download it onto my computer and use it as inspiration for a painting...sometime in the future. As mentioned yesterday, I decided to use painting as another method to be creative. As my voice and music seemed to be touch and go, I needed another creative outlet in addition to my knitting and the occasional posting on the blog. I started the painting last week and this morning I finished it. I'm pleased with it. I love the sunset colours that I managed to create and how they are reflected in the wild waves. I am pleased with how the reds, oranges and blues of the sky reflect on the wet sand as the water retreats back to the lake. The act of painting seems to have released endorphins for me and I've been very happy and relaxed today.
It has been a better day today as I was out this morning to have tea, visit and sing with a couple of good friends. I was able to do this even after an evening of singing last night with my church choir! My voice is on the mend!! Then I was off to run errands and do some groceries before meeting up with another couple of women who have been so supportive as I've struggled. They cheer me along even as I struggled. What a lovely afternoon! I'm feeling so very blessed and happy today. The day has left me with a full feeling of accomplishment. This sort of day truly helps me to feel positive about the future regardless of the fears of the unknown. A simple thing like being creative makes all the difference for me....that and spending time with people. I realize that I'm not the sort of person who can live in a lonely bubble and be happy. Do I like some solitary time? Yes, sometimes. It helps to rejuvenate me. But I need people. I need to feel useful or helpful. I truly need to be creative. Music has always been a part of my life. To lose my singing ability permanently would be a major blow and require another attempt to redefine myself. I am so fortunate that my singing is coming back as I heal and get better from the latest flu. But....I now know that I can still paint in a different medium (acrylic instead of oil) and that I enjoy writing. The blog (started way back in 2012 as a means to inform the many friends and family of what is going on with me regarding the lymphoma) has been unexpectedly good for me to be creative in my writing.
So here's to more good days and great days! And included is my new painting entitled "Sauble Beach Sunset".
Tuesday, 21 January 2020
The Struggle
Time has passed since my last post. At the time of that post, I had a cold that had attached itself to me on November 18. It chose to sit and torment me until just days before Christmas. I am thankful that I was healthy for getting together with friends and family for Christmas. My Christmas day was perfect in my opinion. I love having my table filled with family, love, laughter and food. This is what I remember about the many previous Christmases from my childhood while visiting my grandparents.
Christmas 2019, I was blessed with good health, my children being home, my husband's cousins visiting and enjoying a bountiful meal of turkey with all the trimmings. The table was full of laughter and chatter as we enjoyed each others' company. On Boxing Day (Dec. 26), I felt good and healthy enough to go for a walk. The day was sunny with a slight wind but it was lovely as we were dressed for the weather. Our original plan of a walk in the local conservation area was slightly adjusted to instead being a walk to the bank and some of the stores to see what sales could be had. I was a little wary of going into the stores with my immune system being suppressed. However, I went along into the 2 stores we visited. While in Best Buy, I could hear people hacking and coughing and sneezing. I didn't buy anything but Hubby and some others with us did. I made the mistake of standing in the checkout line with Hubby. On both sides of me, strangers sneezed and coughed without covering their mouths. I instantly told Hubby I was going to wait outside on the bench by the front doors to wait for them. Unfortunately, it was too late. I caught the flu that these people had.
The flu showed up on New Year's Eve day. I ran a fever of 100-101 Fahrenheit from that day until the Saturday. I had a painful racking cough that took my breath away and I was fully congested.....again. As I write this, I am feeling better each day. I find I tire easily and I'm mostly just congested first thing in the morning now. I am finally able to sing again. I truly have had a hoarse speaking and non-existent singing voice since November. However, I am on the mend and I'm singing a little more again.
During this time of illness (November through the first 2 weeks of January), I really struggled with the emotional toll of being sick. Physically I did not have energy to do anything but read and watch television. I was not motivated to write in the blog. When I thought of writing in the blog, all I could think is that no one wants to hear the sad, down-trodden part of living in remission but knowing the whole lymphoma thing will come again. I lost about 8 pounds during this time period. Although it was all explainable as my appetite was affected, I worried. I worried that the lymphoma was back and that this is why I was so sick all the time. I was worried that I was losing weight because there might be tumours inside me that I don't know about eating up all my nutrition. I was worried in the beginning of January that I might have pneumonia. I did go to my family physician to check on that and no, I did not have pneumonia. It was influenza that is going around. That relieved part of my anxiety but I was sad. I was down. I was discouraged as I had no energy. I saw my days gaping ahead of me with no purpose. I was thinking about all the cancer treatments I've gone through since 2012. I was thinking about how quality of life is affected by the treatments, the news that life will not be like it was and there is a "new normal" where I have to watch what I do. These brooding thoughts brought me to a mental place where I saw how the lymphoma has stolen so much from me and although I'm in remission, the treatments have stolen my health from me as well. Of course, there was the news article about Doxarubicin which was in my chemo regime in 2012 and how this "drug" will most likely affect my heart in the years to come too. Quality of life......hmmmmmm.....NOT!! So along with feeling down, I was feeling some anger too.
So I have made the decision to stop whining. I am going to fill my days so I don't have time to brood and go into that dark place that beckons me. I started volunteering in a position where I do not deal with the public but I am doing some good. The volunteer position is not doing anything earth shattering but I feel like I make a bit of a difference. I am sleeping more soundly due to being active. I realized that I need to start walking every day....but I'm putting it off until tomorrow when the temperature will be closer to the freezing mark and not in the deep cold that we've been experiencing. I have also started painting again. I planned on doing that back in the Fall but I just did not have the energy or desire while I was down and out with the cold and then the flu. This past Monday, I started painting a picture of my favourite beach where I enjoyed many hours as a child, teenager and young adult. I used to walk along this beach in the early mornings before any tourists showed up. I love the sunsets which is what I'm working on in this painting. The lake always has rolling, breaking waves. I have never painted breaking waves before and so far, I am pleased with my efforts. Hubby actually recognized the breaking waves!
So the struggle seems to be less this week. Last week, it was a definite struggle. On Thursday last week, I felt like I was in an eddy of blackness that was sucking me down. I went to church on Sunday and the minister's sermon was so very appropriate to what I had been struggling with in the last couple of months. She talked about imperfect people having gifts to offer and use. Her sermon was the impetus I required to get back into painting and writing. To embrace my new volunteer roll. These things along with rejoining the choir, now that I'm healthy, and getting together with friends again is helping to lift me up.
Christmas 2019, I was blessed with good health, my children being home, my husband's cousins visiting and enjoying a bountiful meal of turkey with all the trimmings. The table was full of laughter and chatter as we enjoyed each others' company. On Boxing Day (Dec. 26), I felt good and healthy enough to go for a walk. The day was sunny with a slight wind but it was lovely as we were dressed for the weather. Our original plan of a walk in the local conservation area was slightly adjusted to instead being a walk to the bank and some of the stores to see what sales could be had. I was a little wary of going into the stores with my immune system being suppressed. However, I went along into the 2 stores we visited. While in Best Buy, I could hear people hacking and coughing and sneezing. I didn't buy anything but Hubby and some others with us did. I made the mistake of standing in the checkout line with Hubby. On both sides of me, strangers sneezed and coughed without covering their mouths. I instantly told Hubby I was going to wait outside on the bench by the front doors to wait for them. Unfortunately, it was too late. I caught the flu that these people had.
The flu showed up on New Year's Eve day. I ran a fever of 100-101 Fahrenheit from that day until the Saturday. I had a painful racking cough that took my breath away and I was fully congested.....again. As I write this, I am feeling better each day. I find I tire easily and I'm mostly just congested first thing in the morning now. I am finally able to sing again. I truly have had a hoarse speaking and non-existent singing voice since November. However, I am on the mend and I'm singing a little more again.
During this time of illness (November through the first 2 weeks of January), I really struggled with the emotional toll of being sick. Physically I did not have energy to do anything but read and watch television. I was not motivated to write in the blog. When I thought of writing in the blog, all I could think is that no one wants to hear the sad, down-trodden part of living in remission but knowing the whole lymphoma thing will come again. I lost about 8 pounds during this time period. Although it was all explainable as my appetite was affected, I worried. I worried that the lymphoma was back and that this is why I was so sick all the time. I was worried that I was losing weight because there might be tumours inside me that I don't know about eating up all my nutrition. I was worried in the beginning of January that I might have pneumonia. I did go to my family physician to check on that and no, I did not have pneumonia. It was influenza that is going around. That relieved part of my anxiety but I was sad. I was down. I was discouraged as I had no energy. I saw my days gaping ahead of me with no purpose. I was thinking about all the cancer treatments I've gone through since 2012. I was thinking about how quality of life is affected by the treatments, the news that life will not be like it was and there is a "new normal" where I have to watch what I do. These brooding thoughts brought me to a mental place where I saw how the lymphoma has stolen so much from me and although I'm in remission, the treatments have stolen my health from me as well. Of course, there was the news article about Doxarubicin which was in my chemo regime in 2012 and how this "drug" will most likely affect my heart in the years to come too. Quality of life......hmmmmmm.....NOT!! So along with feeling down, I was feeling some anger too.
So I have made the decision to stop whining. I am going to fill my days so I don't have time to brood and go into that dark place that beckons me. I started volunteering in a position where I do not deal with the public but I am doing some good. The volunteer position is not doing anything earth shattering but I feel like I make a bit of a difference. I am sleeping more soundly due to being active. I realized that I need to start walking every day....but I'm putting it off until tomorrow when the temperature will be closer to the freezing mark and not in the deep cold that we've been experiencing. I have also started painting again. I planned on doing that back in the Fall but I just did not have the energy or desire while I was down and out with the cold and then the flu. This past Monday, I started painting a picture of my favourite beach where I enjoyed many hours as a child, teenager and young adult. I used to walk along this beach in the early mornings before any tourists showed up. I love the sunsets which is what I'm working on in this painting. The lake always has rolling, breaking waves. I have never painted breaking waves before and so far, I am pleased with my efforts. Hubby actually recognized the breaking waves!
So the struggle seems to be less this week. Last week, it was a definite struggle. On Thursday last week, I felt like I was in an eddy of blackness that was sucking me down. I went to church on Sunday and the minister's sermon was so very appropriate to what I had been struggling with in the last couple of months. She talked about imperfect people having gifts to offer and use. Her sermon was the impetus I required to get back into painting and writing. To embrace my new volunteer roll. These things along with rejoining the choir, now that I'm healthy, and getting together with friends again is helping to lift me up.
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