Day 16 - 6th Chemo Cycle - CT Scan

This morning I had to eat my breakfast before 8 a.m. because I couldn't have anything but water after that time.  My CT Scan appointment was for 10:15.  I got there a little early because I wasn't sure where I was going.  Once I registered at the desk, the clerk gave me a piece of paper and I was directed to the waiting room.  While waiting, I looked at the piece of paper and it was a copy of the requisition that my oncologist had sent over.  The paper indicated my appointment was for 12 noon.  I was starting to worry that I was there much too early.  Then a gentleman in hospital garb arrived at the waiting room and called my name.  Relief flowed through me because I wasn't too early.  He gave me a very large plastic container full of water and a plastic cup with three different times written on it in marker..."Now", "11:00", and "11:30".  He gave me instructions to drink 1 cup full of water at each of the three times.  This was now 10:15 and so he adjusted the times saying I could drink at 10:45, and 11:15.  So I drank all the water as directed.  At about 11:25 or so (there was a clock in the waiting room), the gentleman came back and called me in.

He had me sit on a gurney and started asking me questions about if I've had previous CT scans.  "Yes", I replied, "on Dec. 2 I had a chest CT scan and on Dec. 16 I had an abdominal CT scan".  I went on to explain that I had no reaction to the first CT scan but on Dec. 16 I reacted to the red dye later in the day with a rash on my chest.  The gentleman (technician?) had to confer with two different doctors because I was dealing with a neck/chest and also the abdomen.  After the small three-way conference, the technician came back to me and said they were not going to give me the red dye today.  Now I was anxious and concerned.  My concern is that without the red dye, maybe they'll miss something.  Maybe they won't be able to see if all of the cancer is gone.  I mentioned this to the technician and he said that the doctors feel that because this is a comparison CT scan (not a dianostic one like the previous two) that they will be able to see what they need to see.  He went on to explain that they didn't want to give me the red dye especially since it was in the neck area where the possibility of anaphylactic shock would be too dangerous.  The technician went on to say that if my oncologist deems another CT scan needs to be done using the dye, that he can prescribe me some pre-appointment medication to help fight the allergic reaction.  So we had a CT scan done of my neck, chest and abdomen without using the dye.

I left the hospital about 12:15.  I've been much more tired throughout today.  I came home and had a friend over for tea.  After she left, I went for a nap.  I guess I fell asleep immediately as a few minutes after I went to bed, my husband came home and found me sound asleep.  I slept for 2 hours.

I am feeling very anxious.  What if the CT scan shows that it is clear but that's because there was no dye used and they've missed something because of that?  I'm feeling some of the same anxiety and worry that I felt back in December when we were waiting for results from diagnostic tests.  I have to wait for 5 days before I see my oncologist.  I see him on Wednesday.  I need to focus on a wonderful weekend with my family that will culminate with Mother's Day.


You would think that after all this it would still be easy for me to hand my worries over God.  It isn't.  But I have to remind myself that worrying doesn't change anything.  It won't change the outcome of the CT scan.  It won't make me feel any better.  Throughout the last few months, I've been learning to do some deep breathing to help relax me and centre my thinking as I pray.  I need to remind myself to inhale slowly and deeply and gather my fears and worries.  As I exhale slowly, all these fears and worries are given over to God's hands to collect and keep.  Now I pray for peace of mind and calmness as well as envisioning a circle around me that cannot be penetrated by negativity, fears or worries.  I finish with a prayer for God to keep me safe.