Friday, October 13 - Day 15
I awoke on Friday morning and I still had a low grade fever. This meant it was not high enough to go to visit the Emergency Department at the hospital but there was still a fever. Late Friday morning, I had an appointment at the CBI Health Clinic to get my Neupogen shots. While there, I asked the nurse to take my temperature. It was normal. What a relief! I wondered if it was my thermometer acting up so I took my temperature when I got home and yes, it was normal. So I don't know what caused the temperature. I do know that my sinuses are congested in the morning so maybe I'm just coming down with a cold. Hubby was away at Port Dover with his motorcycle celebrating Friday the 13th. I had encouraged him to go but I do know he was worrying about me. I texted him that my temperature was normal and not to worry. I continued to fill my waking hours with reading and knitting. I have finished a pair of Small socks (Ladies size 5,6) and I have now started a pair of Large socks (Ladies size 9,10).
Saturday, October 14 - Day 16
I did not sleep well. I am filled with fear. I have been filled with this fear for many weeks. From the time of diagnosis back in August, I have been dreading this period of time that I'm now entering. I am not sleeping well because of it. I am filling my time with knitting to keep my mind and hands busy so that I don't sink into the dark pit of fear and despair. Way back in August, I was afraid of my chemo sessions because the doctor described them as harsh. The chemo has been worse than it was 5 years ago but I've managed to get through it fairly well. Back in August, I was also very afraid of the stem cell process. Each time I would start to think about it, I would tell myself that I'm getting ahead of where I need to be and I would repeat in my mind, "One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time." This helped to push the thoughts of the stem cell collection and high dose chemo to the back of my mind. Well now the stem cell collection process is at hand. I'll be starting it on Tuesday.
I am afraid. Not just anxious. Not just worried. AFRAID!! In an effort to calm myself, I knit. I read. It's not helping now. I am afraid of having the catheter put into my neck so they can collect the stem cells. This will go in on Tuesday. I will be at the Stem Cell Unit all day Tuesday and then come home. I'll do the same thing on Wednesday and Thursday as an outpatient which means I come home each night. Each of these days, I am there from 7:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. as they need to collect 2.5 millions stem cells from me.
I feel like I'm on a train that is going full speed and I can't get off. I'm terrified of the high dose chemo that is scheduled for October 26 and 27. At this point, I can still turn off the thoughts of that because it is over a week away. I can still use "one step at a time".
As I deal with this deep fear I'm currently feeling, I continue to pray for peace of mind. I continue to knit to calm myself. But the fear raises its head while I try to sleep. I've been told that I'm brave and courageous. I'm really not. I'm just mundanely going through my day and the process as it is laid out for me. As I go through these days, I struggle with my deep fear of what's coming up.
Hubby did come home from Port Dover. We went out for dinner as there are very few days left that I will be able to do this.
Cathy, it sounds exhausting. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Fear is certainly very debilitating. I hope you find some peace and I hope everything goes well this Tuesday. Hugs to you xo
ReplyDeleteCathy, just accept the fear, talk to it. Your heart will be racing with anxiety. Explore the feeling. You will find that as soon as you accept it and wish to "talk" to it, you will start to calm down. Every time you feel the terrible anxiety, have a mental conversation with it, and "talk" to it until you start to feel it recede. Explain to it what is going to happen. . . . explain what you hope the outcome will be. Explain to your fear that you know that the medical professionals have your best interests at heart, and that they are doing everything they know of to help you fight this disease. Don't try to escape the feeling of fear by covering it up. You need to dialogue with it, every day, every hour of the day.
ReplyDeleteConsciously go to meet your fear. See it as a friend who is wanting to warn you, to help you. Don't hide from it, don't push it away. It comes from your subconscious mind and you need to converse with it. Tell your fear: Look we are going to face this thing and deal with it together. Let's see what we can accomplish together!
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