It will only be one more week before I have the CT scan and then only 2 weeks from today that I will get the results. The waiting period for this time is almost done. I expect that my life will consist of more of this kind of routine for several more months or years. I have always said that waiting is the worst. The fear of the unknown and the uncertainty of where your life (or what's left of it) is going.
As I mentioned in last week's post, I have been filling my days with visiting friends, going to hockey games and doing activities. The OHL hockey team that I follow and cheer for is The Kingston Frontenacs. They won their second round of playoffs by beating The Barrie Colts last Friday night. The third round of playoffs begins tonight against The Hamilton Bulldogs. While there haven't been hockey games, I've been following the Toronto Blue Jays and the Toronto Maple Leafs on television. My days are spent cleaning the house, knitting my sweater, reading and visiting friends. I have also started watching Netflix. I've been watching 2 series. One is called "The Crown" and the other is called "Longmire".
I have to admit that I am bored. I look at what my days consist of and it seems totally meaningless. I have always wanted my life to make a difference. When my children were at home, my time was filled with being a mother and also working from home as a private music teacher. My life was full and meaningful. Every day I could say that I was making a difference in someone's life. Once I started working in the Tuck Shop at the local hospital, I could tell myself that I was leaving an impact on the various people I met through work. It might not have been a life altering impact but I always tried to give people a smile and leave a positive imprint. I am no longer allowed to work at the Tuck Shop until I have all my vaccinations updated. This could take over a year. I am left now with days that gape in front of me and nothing of importance to fill them.
So I have decided to fund raise for Relay for Life in Kingston. I have joined the team called "The Cancer Honour Guard". The event will be held on June 22. I have set my fundraising goal at $1,500. I am now actively fundraising to help research for all the cancers and also for the local support programs through the local Canadian Cancer Society office. I would love to hear someday that a cure has been found for my Follicular Lymphoma. A cure!! Not another round of chemo or stem cell transplant to push it into remission a little longer before it returns. A cure! That could end this uncertainty that many of us live with. The lymphoma will come back. We just don't know when. But with the help of research, maybe I will be alive long enough to hear the words, "There's now a cure!". If you want to donate online to my Relay For Life campaign, the link is:
http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_ON_even_?px=4345136&pg=personal&fr_id=23710
If you would prefer to send me a cheque, contact me and I will give you my address privately.
I also mentioned last week that I was worrying about "the spot". It continues to be difficult to see if it is my worrying that is causing the various physical ailments that stubbornly seem to be afflicting me. It was pointed out to me that worrying is a symptom that I am not trusting God. I was glad that my friend pointed this out to me. I did not take it as a harsh judgement. It was a reminder that, yes, I need to trust God. I need to hand over my worries to Him and trust Him as I have trusted in the past with other difficulties. My faith is being rocked to its core. I have found myself mentally asking God "Where are you?!". "Why are you not answering all the many prayers that being put forth on my behalf?" "Why are you not answering my prayers?" "What have I done to deserve this when I only try to spread joy and positivity?" All these questions have been met with silence. Nothing. Then I find myself questioning His existence. Maybe it's all true what was suggested many years ago in university. Maybe humans have created God and that God did not create humans. This week, I have been returning to my favourite scriptures to bring myself comfort. I have been praying for friends who are also struggling with their own illnesses. I have been doing my daily devotions in an effort to come back to my God. I am hoping that maybe all this "testing" will eventually bring me back closer to God. Maybe at this point, Jesus is actually carrying me. I don't know. This adds to all the uncertainty. In my life, I have had many struggles. I'm tired of all of this. Perhaps this is why God seems so far away or non-existent. I haven't given up on God but I am seriously questioning Him.
I must also mention that in January, I started to sing with a couple of friends once a week. This has been very helpful and a time of healing and forgetfulness. Back in February 2011, I had performed with one of these friends in a music series called "Music West". At that time, I created a persona called "Dame Cathy" and performed several numbers as a 1900 era music hall performer. "Music West" is celebrating their 20th anniversary this year and I was asked to return and sing again. This time, I am singing with my current friends and we call ourselves "The Grace Notes". We will sing this Friday but due to lack of time, it will be just a couple of numbers. I am looking forward to this and it has proved to be a great distraction from my "worries".
My geographical area was hit with snow and ice this past weekend. It is slowly melting but today looks like a dry and clear day. I think that I will force myself to get out and take a walk. Maybe fresh air will also help me feel "better".
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