I am still waiting for my CT scan appointment on April 25. Back on March 7 when my oncologist let me know that a small spot had been seen on the PET scan, he also asked if I had been having diarrhea. I had answered no because my bowels had been affected by the high dose chemo and I thought that it was just a matter of time before my body would be back to "normal". In hindsight, I'm now wondering if my bouts with diarrhea are actually attributed to "the spot". Now I'm more worried. This becomes a vicious cycle for me because my body has always responded to stress by loosening my bowels.
On Saturday morning, I also had a bout of vomiting along with the diarrhea. Was this a flu bug? Was this because of emotional stress? Was this a worsening side effect of "the spot"? These questions and uncertainty continue to play havoc with my emotional well being. I have spent the last week worrying and struggling to keep from spiraling into an emotional dark hole. I have two more weeks before I have the CT scan. Then I will get the results from my oncologist on May 2. So in total, I have another 3 weeks of worrying and waiting.
I look well. Everyone who sees me says how well I look. I may look well but emotionally I'm struggling. I recognize that I've been trying to just fill my days to keep busy so I don't worry or think too much. I've been trying to visit with friends, get outside and clean up the gardens. I've been trying to go for walks which are often cut short because of the diarrhea. I've been keeping my house much more clean and tidy in order to keep busy. Then when it is time to go to sleep, my mind takes over and I worry. Sometimes I can fall asleep right away but then I wake up in the middle of the night and worry.
In order to prevent myself from becoming depressed and to stop the worrying, I've been reading and listening to soothing music. I have also started a new knitting project which is a sweater for myself. I continue to attend the Kingston Frontenacs games as they are in the second round of play offs. This helps me get through my days. I may have to avail myself of some other resources through the Cancer Centre to help me get through this Wait and Watch stage. I may also look into what support services the Canadian Cancer Society offers locally. I will discuss this with my oncologist on May 2 depending on what the CT scan results are.
In the meantime, I have committed myself to being the Relay For Life Community Champion for the local Canadian Cancer Society. I expect that I will be doing media interviews and giving speeches about my cancer journey. I will not be entering my team "Cathy Conquers Cancer". I have found the last number of years that it was difficult to get enough team members to join my team. I am seriously considering joining another team and fundraising for the Relay For Life. I may not be able to walk the full 6 hours on June 22 because I am expecting to be in the chemo lab on the 21st for my "maintenance" injection of Rituxin. I will be walking the Survivors Lap. Perhaps the time spent fundraising for the Relay for Life and my time fulfilling my role of Relay for Life Community Champion will help me get through this emotional ordeal of the "Wait and Watch" period.
Cancer is more than just a physical ordeal. It can be emotionally debilitating too.
Sending you hugs and positive thoughts, Cathy. You are doing the best you can. It's a difficult time for you. And despite everything, you are moving one foot in front of the other. You are very inspirational.
ReplyDeleteThank you Martha. Some days are better than others. Thanks for the hugs and positive thoughts. It is these things that carry me through.
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