Advent, Comfort and Positivity in Difficult Times

 I find it interesting to see how my outlook and mood has changed in the last month. Despite how Advent has been difficult in years past due to health issues and dealing with the grief associated with the loss of family members and my employment capabilities, I still find Advent a time of comfort and uplifted spirits. I have learned that we can experience the hope, peace, joy and love of the Advent season while at the same time experiencing heavy burdens.

This year, as I mentioned in my last post, I have been praying for several friends and acquaintances who are struggling with their own health issues. I have struggled with my own emotions as I am reminded of my health journeys during past Decembers. I have been experiencing grief for those who have passed away recently. As I've mentioned in the past, it is easy to turn away or forget about God during the good times. It is in the dark times that I find myself walking closer to God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit. As I have been grieving and feeling down myself, I found myself turning to my favourite Psalm that has been there for me since I was 10 years old! Psalm 31: 1-5 really spoke to me again this year.

"In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God."

This passage gave me a great deal of comfort and I felt safe during this Covid-19 pandemic as numbers of cases has climbed and I have been confined to my house. I no longer help with any of the grocery shopping. I was feeling useless as I watched Hubby work long hours and then take on all the shopping as well. The above passage has been my prayer and I truly believe it has been answered. I have been knitting for the homeless. It makes me feel useful, productive and lifts my spirits ("Keep me free from the trap that is set for me"). I have continued reading to my elderly friend over the telephone. As he was struggling with his own situation, I made arrangements to meet him outside his home. I wore my mask and stood 12 feet away with jingle bells attached to my left hand. I sang his favourite Christmas carols to him. I sang some fun Christmas songs to him. His smile and enjoyment lifted my own spirits. I followed the advice "Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, Lord, my faithful God." I was delivered! I felt so happy and joyful during a depressing time!

As I thumbed through my bible looking for inspiration to help support my various friends, I came across a couple of passages that really spoke to me. Isaiah 41 v. 10 was the first passage I found. My eyes were drawn to it repeatedly. To me, it spoke directly about circumstances when cancer was ravaging my body in the past and the fear of its eventual return. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." I interpreted this passage to mean that my cancer (or my friends' cancers) will not be removed but that God will strengthen me and be right by my side as I go through whatever rigours will happen in the future. My emotions, my mind and my body will be held and comforted.

I mentioned another passage that I found. It is on the same page of my bible but is Isaiah 40: 29-31. "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Again, I find this passage reinforces that as I (or my friends/acquaintances) go through the ravages of a disease or end of life, God will give us strength to meet our challenges. Will I grow weary and disgruntled with my "lot in life". Probably. But....when I stumble with weariness and get physically weak, emotionally weak, and psychologically weak, I can turn to my faith in God to support me and help me be strong enough. Strong enough mentally to lay in weakness and be comforted by His or Her presence. Strong enough to soar mentally like eagles...lifting me out of my doldrums. This Advent season, my spirits have been lifted and they are soaring. God has blessed me with the upcoming addition of a new daughter (in-law). This addition may not happen for a couple of years and probably depends on the fallout of Covid-19 but I have something else to look forward to. And I am looking forward to it!! I am so excited!! I already love this young woman and this love will only deepen as time passes and we get to know her even better.

Hope......Peace.....Joy.....Love....these are definitely evident to me as Advent has progressed and Christmas is not just a couple of days away. It will be a different event here as with many other families and individuals. But for me, God has helped me to anticipate with eagerness and peacefulness the coming celebration of Jesus' birth. I definitely feel the strength and support of God. And as I have acted on the urging of The Holy Spirit, I have been blessed with hope for the future, peace of mind, a deep-seated joy in my being and love. So Merry Christmas and I really do mean "Merry" even in the midst of Covid-19. May you all feel a sense of peace in the quiet darkness.

Feeling Down

 Today I am in the doldrums. Perhaps it is because I have been fighting a cold since Sunday. Perhaps it is because of the time of year and the fact that the pandemic is going to affect the tradition of seeing my children return home for the Christmas celebration which is very, very important to me. Christmas is my favourite time of the year. It isn't just the trappings of the tree, tinsel, gifts, decorations, baking, family, friends and Santa Claus. To me Christmas is the sincere and heartfelt celebration of the arrival of Jesus. I love the music and the anticipation of celebrating his arrival and although I can still feel this even in the pandemic, I'm also missing teaching my music students their Christmas songs. This revelation took me by surprise this morning as I reflected on why I was feeling down.

You see, my lymphoma has stolen my teaching from me. I haven't taught any students since June 2017. You think I would be used to this by now. This is the first Christmas that I'm really missing the activity of teaching my students their Christmas songs. I figure this is because of covid-19 and the lack of seeing family and friends as I normally would at this time of year. It is also 9 years ago at this time that I started recognizing something was very wrong with me and I started my lymphoma journey with the first visit to my family doctor. It is also poignant for me this year especially as I have several friends and acquaintances who are in the midst of either starting their own ill health journey or are in the midst of it. I remember several years ago reading about how it is normal for cancer survivors to feel the blues around the anniversary of diagnostic dates. I guess it is considered a form of PTSD which I always felt was reserved for the members of the military.

So today is blues kind of day. I believe it is a combination of both of the above....the specter of lymphoma and ill health as well as the specter of not having a normal Christmas. Normally, I would be singing in my church choir each week and preparing anthems for the Advent season as well as for Christmas Eve. I am fortunate that my choir is able to practise in a socially distanced format but it isn't the same.

In order to lift my spirits this morning, I watched a Hallmark Christmas movie, played and sang some Christmas music on the piano and I talked to Hubby about how I'm feeling today. I can't change my friends and acquaintances health journeys but I can pray for them as I also pray for myself. I am going to do some more Christmas baking today and add it to the collection I have already baked and is sitting in the freezer. I guess the worst case scenario will have me making up care packages to send to those I wish I could spend time with during the Advent and Christmas season. I am going to try to lift my spirits by putting up my Christmas decorations today while I have my favourite Christmas music playing in the background.

I am responsible for my own happiness. I can pray to God to help me be more positive and help lift me out of the doldrums today. The Christmas music is like a balm to my soul. It brings back memories of being pregnant with my daughter throughout the Christmas season of 1997. I developed a deeper affinity with the carol "Away in a Manger" that year and it continues to be a favourite that reaches deep inside me every year. "Silent Night" is another one along with "O Holy Night". So I will listen to these as I do my baking today and I may even make time to sing them while playing the piano. A balm for my troubled soul today and perhaps throughout this very different Christmas season of 2020.

Hello Again! Welcome! Come read and see what I've been up to.

 I just read my last post and so much for writing in the blog every day as planned way back in May. That was 6 months ago! I'm doing very well emotionally and physically. Even throughout this Covid-19 pandemic, I'm enjoying life! As was mentioned in my last post, I added 2 raised beds to my gardens this year. I planted 24 tomato seedlings that I started last March as well as some scraggly lettuce seedlings that I also started in March. The garden with the tomatoes and lettuce also had some basil seedlings planted between the tomato plants. My children were home at the time of my planting and laughed as these little tiny shoots looked sickly and ridiculous in the one raised bed. Some of the tomato seedlings went into my main garden that is not raised. That garden was filled with green bean seeds and it holds my rhubarb. In my second raised bed, I planted sunflower seeds, parsnip seeds and kohlrabi seeds. As always, I have my herb bed which produced my parsely, green onions, sage, chives and asparagus. I also planted zucchini in an existing bed as I like to make and can my zucchini relish for use over the winter.

I love watching the seeds sprout and the seedlings grow. The sickly looking seedlings took root and thrived! The rhubarb is a perennial plant and always thrives. This year, I used it to make rhubarb marmalade, rhubarb crisp and rhubarb pie. I also picked it regularly and put measured cut rhubarb in packages that went in the freezer so I can use it in the winter. It freezes well with minimal work. I use some of my rhubarb marmalade to marinate meats and to make vinaigrette for my salads. As the seeds grew into lush green plants, I had to chase off the rabbits who wanted to eat the tender young shoots and leaves of my green beans. The green beans were harvested first. What a successful crop! They filled half my freezer. I froze them as cut green beans but also as whole green beans and even "french cut" green beans. The zucchini sprouted and grew with the regular, loving tending that I showered them with. They developed their blossoms and flowers and I watched eagerly for the fruit to develop. Unfortunately, the squash beetles found my zucchini plants and they did not produce any fruit. Once I saw the stems of the plants turning mushy, I pulled them and removed all the roots from my garden bed. I usually compost but I did not want the beetle eggs or larvae to be in my yard. Everything associated with the zucchini went to the city's composting site. I was disappointed but oh well, life goes on. The tomatoes started to come along and ripen at the same time as the kohlrabi ripened. Most of the kohlrabi, we ate fresh but I did get a couple of packages frozen for use in the winter. Oh the tomatoes!!!

My tomatoes were huge this year! What a success! I started harvesting them in August and I still have green tomatoes ripening on my counter in paper bags. As they ripen, I've made more tomato salsa and tomato juice. My tomatoes this year supplied me with 11 litres of tomato sauce, 5 litres of meat sauce, 11 litres of tomato juice, 4 litres of tomato salsa and numerous tomatoes for tomato sandwiches. Hubby was concerned that I would have too many tomatoes and he would get sick of them. I love tomatoes. When I have poached egg on toast with cheese, I will slice up a tomato and eat all the slices on the side. I love tomato sandwiches with thick slices of tomatoes and lots of mayonnaise with a bit of salt and pepper. I see my tomatoes coming to an end now and I will miss them. I will probably make one more batch of tomato juice (4 to 5 litres) and enjoy the last sandwiches. Hubby may be sick of seeing tomatoes but I am not! What a successful year!

My sunflower seeds sprouted and grew. They grew and grew. I felt like I was in the fable "Jack and the Beanstalk"! The sunflowers grew 6 to 8 feet high. I wanted to harvest the seeds and keep some for planting next year, some for bird seed and some for making salted sunflowers for snacks. I managed to get some but the squirrels, birds and a mite with its larvae destroyed some of the seed heads before they ripened fully. The seeds I did manage to save, I picked early so they were not fully grown seeds. I'll try again next year with the seeds that I did save for planting.

My parsnips are somewhat successful. I will plant them again next year but not near the sunflower seeds. The sunflowers blocked the sun and the parsnips then didn't grow quite as big as I expected. I've harvested some of them and they are nice and tender with a lovely taste. There are still some in the bed that I will be picking before November 10. Our weather has warmed up and so I'm letting the parsnips get a little extra growing time.

With all the gardening, I have kept myself strong and somewhat fit. I'm feeling healthy with lots of energy. In an attempt to regain some of the muscle that I've lost in the last 3 years, Hubby and I are starting to work out just to tone ourselves up. Can you believe it has been 3 years since my stem cell transplant?!! I celebrated my third birthday on October 30. Hubby and I have a small social bubble of friends who we know are self-isolating and safe for us to be around. We celebrated my third birthday with 2 other couples by bringing shawarma to one couple's home. My friend whose home we were at brought out a platter of goodies from a local bakery. What a lovely time we had! The night after, on Halloween Night, we hosted another couple that is in our bubble for our annual Halloween Dinner. This year it was a mean jack o'lantern cheese ball (Hubby thought it looked like "Ed The Sock"), personal creepy pizzas with "bloody" meatball rats nibbling on the edge of the pizza. My friend supplied really tasty individual cherry cheese cakes with a chocolate brownie inside.

Throughout the pandemic, I have continued to knit the therapeutic hand muffs of various themes. I think I have knit about 15 of them although 3 were custom hand muffs for specific people. These are all donated. People have been donating some of their leftover yarn stashes to me to help with the knitting. I'm currently taking a break from knitting the hand muffs and I'm knitting 2 pairs of mittens and a hat for the needy. A local lady is collecting items for her Giving Tree which she will give out.

The pandemic has curtailed some of our activities. Hubby and I do not go out to eat but we still support our favourite independent and local restaurants by ordering take out. We have gone on short trips with The Big Wing but we didn't stop at The Cove Inn this year for lunch. In July, Hubby planned a weekend away to Kemptville, ON. We stayed at a newly renovated hotel in an old building. It was a very hot and humid weekend but we walked throughout the village and picked up some geocaches along the way. This was when I first realized that I am still not as strong as I was in 2016. I'm still a work in progress and I'm very happy with where I'm at physically. We enjoyed our weekend away. Again, due to Covid-19, we did not go on holiday on The Big Wing for weeks. So our first weekend away was in July. In August, we went to Buckhorn Lake for a weekend to celebrate our anniversary. We packed up The Big Wing (our Honda Goldwing motorcycle) and headed out. It was a lovely little retreat and inn. The food was excellent, the accommodations were absolutely wonderful. We were in the Chalet which was a short walk from the main lodge. The Chalet consisted of 6 units. Our unit had a balcony facing the lake. I'm a morning person and so I would get up, carry my cup of coffee and my book to the balcony and sit in the comfortable Muskoka Chairs to read. I would also listen to the water lapping on the rocky shore as the birds twittered and flitted among the trees. The one morning, I was reading and I looked up just to enjoy the view and there was a man going by in a pedal canoe holding his fishing rod. Not a sound was made by him! What a lovely invention!! I was intrigued and watched this man go silently along the shoreline while he fished. He obviously knew the area as he would angle out into the lake to avoid the rocks that lurked just under the water. This area had shores that looked like big boulders just tumbled down and landed at the edge of the water but also underneath the water. It was rugged but beautiful.

After we enjoyed our idyllic weekend which included walking through the forest and visiting beaver ponds, we hopped back on The Big Wing and continued on to Parry Sound to meet up with our son and his girlfriend. We rented a cottage together and had a blast! This was in mid-August and there was a meteor shower taking place that week. We spent each clear night gazing up at the natural light show that took place. The stars were so clear and bright! We leaned back in our chairs and just watched the stars. Then "There's one!" and "Oh! There's another one!" came whispering from one or another of us. Sometimes a groan as one of us, it seemed like mostly me, missed the star shooting across the sky. Sometimes the star had a sparkly tail as it shot across the sky in the pitch black. Other times, the star was just a quick, short burst of light with a small streak across the sparkly sky. Our time with our son included swimming, walking and visiting a local craft brewery called The Trestle Brewing Company. We enjoyed our lunch on a very social distanced patio. This place did it right! I felt safe and separated! Too soon, our few days away with our son was over and we packed up The Big Wing, climbed on and hit the road to head home.

 I had my 6 month check up by phone with my oncologist/hematologist. In preparation for that, I had blood work done the day before. He informed me that my blood levels are back where they were in 2016. No wonder I've been feeling so strong and healthy! So I asked him if I was no longer considered high risk especially during this pandemic. He burst my bubble. Because of my 2 bouts with lymphoma which included 2 rounds of chemotherapy and also because of my stem cell transplant, I will always be high risk. The only people more high risk are those people who are currently going through chemotherapy. This news did not knock me down. I thought about it and decided that while I'm feeling strong, healthy and am currently in remission, I am going to continue to live life fully. I'm going to work out and get my muscles more toned and stronger. I'm partially doing this because of vanity but also I figure it will make me stronger to face the next bout of lymphoma whenever that is. I'm healthy now and that's what I'll focus on.

Hubby has been fortunate to work throughout the pandemic shut down and restrictions. It seems to have been a little more stressful. In October, he announced we were going to another cottage for a few days just after Thanksgiving. We did not go on The Big Wing this time. That was a good thing! The lane way down into the cottage would have been a challenge. It was a steep (over boulders), winding (hairpin, hair raising turns for me) lane. This cottage was just west of Algonquin Park. The colours on the trees were just starting to fade but the they were still brilliant golds especially across the lake when the sun hit the trees at sunset. The cottage was nestled on top of the huge boulders that were obviously underneath the ground. At the shoreline, the boulders created a very rugged terrain which the cottage owners tamed with wooden decks, stairs and the wooden dock. October was a beautiful time to be there. There were no black flies or mosquitoes and the scenery was breath-taking. Our bed had a glass wall and sliding doors out onto the deck. This allowed us an expansive view of the lake, autumnal tree and breathtaking sky from our bed. The first night, I awoke just before 5 a.m. The stars as viewed from my cocoon in my bed were brilliant beacons of light against the midnight black of the sky. The stars were little crystals just hanging in the sky. I woke Hubby up so he could see the magnificence of the night sky. As we settled back down into our bed, I turned on my left side and could still see some stars through a little window in the left wall. Just as I was ready to drift off, I saw...a shooting star streak across the sky above the trees! I'm sure I fell asleep with a peaceful smile on my face.

At that cottage, the owner had built a screened-in sun porch. As I looked at it, I'm sure it is so they can sit out and not be devoured by the black flies and mosquitoes. The owner had obviously started to winterize and get ready to close up the cottage. There was plastic on the outside of the screens which kept the wind and rain out but it was still unheated and the week was a cool, damp one. However, I had brought along some cozy afghans from home and I bundled myself up in layers of clothing with my favourite afghan as well. I found my happy place! It was a hanging bamboo chair with pillows. The chair could swing, it could turn so I could see the water or turn so I could see the forest. I made a little nest for myself and ensconced my body into the chair. I spent many hours there with my coffee, tea, wine and books. Sometimes it was nice just to sit and watch the remaining birds and animals scamper through the trees. It was absolutely peaceful and quiet. The silence would only be broken by the wind in the leaves or the call of the local loon. Our time was so relaxed. Hubby and I deliberately unhooked from the technological world. No cell phone, no social media, no television and no radio. We made an exception for some of Hubby's favourite East Coast music which we had on CD.

So here we are back home. It's November. This week, we're getting a last blast of warm temperatures before winter sets in. I'm feeling great. It has been satisfying to hang my laundry on the line and watch the wind whip it around to dry it. The leaves continue to fall from the trees and are now brown and dead. I'm mulching them with our lawnmower and piling them on the raised beds and my other gardens as it is now time to put them to sleep for the winter. Next up on my list of things to keep me satisfied is the Christmas Baking. I'm not sure whether my adult children will make it home this year, but if not, then I will have baking done that I can package up and send to them. Last year at this time, I discovered the Hallmark Christmas Movies. So on the movie goes while I wait for the batches of baking to come out of the oven. It is so cozy and comforting to sit and knit, sip my tea, watch the Christmas movies and smell the delicious aroma of my Christmas baking. There's always something to enjoy while I self-isolate.

Life is great!!

Uncertainty, Wellness and Moving Forward

I realized that I have been stuck in place emotionally for months now. While I had a virus for 6-8 weeks before Christmas, I unknowingly started to slide downwards emotionally. I got stuck. I recognized there was an issue with me being unhappy just before Christmas. I wanted to go back to work but that is not my "new normal". I wanted to be out enjoying activities but I seemed to catch a virus or flu every time I went out. So I was "stuck" at home and unhappy. As mentioned in previous posts, I did start volunteering at the local foodbank. Then just before covid-19 shut everything down, they ran out of food for me to sort at the end of February. I was alright with that because The Brier was in Kingston and I was going attend every draw if I could....wearing my mask before it was "a thing".

I'm fortunate that I have lots of hobbies and interests. As mentioned in my last post, I've been knitting therapeutic hand muffs which are also known as fiddle muffs. During this time of self-isolating (to be honest it is what I've been doing since November), I have found a sense of purpose. Knitting has helped me cope with the uncertainty of my future.....when is the lymphoma going to strike again? The rhythmic movement of knitting and the creativity expressed in the fiddle muffs has helped me to be productive and feel useful. Until I stop. During the quiet moments in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep, I worry. I indulge in self-pity. And self-pity is not useful. It is an eddy of blackness just waiting to suck me in. I found myself getting grumpy. I found myself feeling negative emotions. I was losing the battle within. Outwardly, I was enjoying chatting with friends through technical means. I was enjoying being with my family and playing card games. But in the quiet moments? It was a much different story. I didn't want to drag my family or my friends down, so I just suffered in the quiet moments.

Then.....I talked with another friend of mine who is in a worse place physically than I am. We had similar emotions. I was introduced into a Cancer Survivors' Support group called "Thriving and Surviving". I signed up. In this time of self-isolation, we meet using technology. I recognized that some of my feelings were shared with other cancer survivors. Some in a worse place than I am. I realized that I am fortunate. I'm in remission. I have some strength. Last week, 6 yards of triple mix was delivered for my 2 new raised vegetable gardens and also to amend the soil in my existing gardens. I was strong enough to move most of the dirt myself. It took 2 days. I was sore and exhausted at the end of those 2 days. But.....I was strong enough. I'm healthy enough. As part of my homework from my new group, I made a few action plans. One.....walk for an hour every day after supper. I've now walked 2 days in a row. The first night, I wasn't able to do the hour. I walked 40 minutes. I felt like a failure. But I told myself that I will walk the next night (last night). I will walk my full hour. So I did walk after supper last night with Hubby. I did better than the 40 minutes but not quite the full hour. But that's OK. I don't feel like a failure. I walked 50 minutes. So I am going to walk again tonight. I am GOING TO WALK THE FULL HOUR! I refuse to give up.

My second action plan? To write in my blog daily. OK, so it didn't happen 2 days ago. And it didn't happen yesterday. BUT....it's happening today. So I'm hoping (going) to write in the blog every day again. Maybe it will help me get in touch with my thoughts and emotions in a more healthy way. This isn't a chore. I do enjoy writing. I just have to make time to do it. Once I start writing, it just flows from my brain to my fingers and into the keyboard.

My third action plan? To pick up the paint brushes that have not been touched since February. Again, I think I need to write "painting" in my agenda so that I sit down once a week and paint.

I continue to knit the fiddle muffs. I have decided it is interesting for me to make a theme for each one. On the weekend, I made one with a gardening theme. I knit in the grass, the dirt, the sky. I attached some straggly bits of blue as part of the sky and the person who gets the muff and fiddle with the straggly, soft yarn. I learned a new technique called Swiss Darning. I used it to add in a garden shovel and a garden fork. I also used the technique to add a seed with the plant sprouting from it below ground. Above ground, you see the green stems and leaves as well as red flowers. The red flowers were made from straggly red yarn. Again, something to be fiddled with. I then knotted in around the top of the "dirt", yellow pieces of yarn to indicate straw mulch.

I'm currently working on a fiddle muff with a "cottage theme". I used various tones of blue to make the water and then some pinks and the straggly red yarn to make a sunset. Using the Swiss Darning technique, I've added a fir tree or a palm tree. It depends which way you fiddle the green leaves to go. If you fluff them upwards, it looks like a palm tree. If you "pet" the green yarn downwards, it looks like a fir tree. I've put in little raised "waves" and I'm currently (using the Swiss Darning) adding a sail boat. I may also add some white fluffy clouds. I'm not sure on that yet.

I had hoped with all these things filling my days and with the added walking in the evening that I would be sleeping better. Apparently it isn't working yet. Last night I got 3 hours sleep. I don't want o nap during the day because then I'm afraid I won't sleep at night. Oh well......I have realized that this is a minor thing compared to what other people are struggling with. I take pleasure in my gardens already, although I haven't transplanted any plants yet as it is too early and too cold. I saw my first asparagus poking its head above the soil the other day. We had frost last night so I knew it was going to get cold and I covered that poor fragile asparagus with a flower pot to protect it. I'm using my winter green onions and my parsley that is now ready to be snipped. I noticed last night when covering the asparagus that my sage is also showing new shoots of green.

Does the uncertainty of my future health still get to me? Yes it does. But.....I am in a better place emotionally at least today. I'm tired and fatigued but that is due to lack of sleep not any ill health. I'm looking forward to planting my gardens. I'm healthy today and so I will enjoy today.

See you tomorrow.

Still Here, Still Self-Isolating, Still....

It's been almost a month since my last post. Daughter is still residing with me and finished her self-isolation after arriving from Vietnam. She dodged the bullet and didn't have Covid-19. We are enjoying having her here and have been reconnecting. This has been a lovely silver lining in a time of uncertainty and worry.

I continue to keep myself busy with knitting, gardening and reading to my 90+ year old friend over the phone. I planted my seeds and they sprouted. I've transplanted some of the seedlings into bigger pots to help them grow stronger. In the last month, I've knitted 2 pairs of slipper socks and three therapeutic hand muffs. The hand muffs are becoming works of art as I continue to use up leftover yarn and reuse other materials from my sewing kit and "bag of rags". Some of the muffs have tiny pockets. One muff has a nautical theme and the most recent one that I've finished has a musical theme. The one I've just started will have a fishing theme. I might knit a boat and a fishing pole hanging out of it and then when I'm finished and adding bits of tactile interest, I think I'll sew in a long piece of yarn and attach a fish at the end of it. I think I'll use up some squares of denim to make the fish and then stuff it. I'm thinking of using a variety of blues and greens in the yarn as I knit to give it a "water" look. The boat will probably be made with a brown yarn or maybe 2 shades of brown. Who knows.....that's the joy of creating the pattern as I go.

Hubby, Daughter and I had a lovely Easter although we missed Son....he is unable to come home to visit until this pandemic is deemed at an end. But after our turkey dinner, we connected with Son through technology and enjoyed a visit of our family of 4. It wasn't ideal but it was the next best thing to having him home with the rest of us. I think of him every day and can't wait until I can hold him and see him in person.

The knitting has been helping me deal with some anxiety. I am due to go into the hospital next week for my first 6 month check up with my oncologist. I assumed that this would be cancelled due to the pandemic but I haven't heard anything yet. However, I did see an update yesterday that indicated locally we have no people hospitalized due to Covid-19 and there have only been 3 new cases in the last week. The self-isolation seems to be working. I must say that Hubby and I have gone out for a walk twice in the last week. We make sure that if someone is coming towards us on the sidewalk, we quickly turn off that street or we move off the sidewalk and walk in the middle of the road. These 2 times have been the only time that I've gone out. Daughter does my groceries for me every 2 weeks and Hubby makes our bi-weekly trip to Costco if it is needed. The two of them always make sure that they use the hand sanitizer in the car and then also wash their hands in hot, soapy water when they get home after they have unloaded the groceries and put them away. Hubby has taken over the cleaning of the bathrooms but I continue to do the laundry in hot water. I make sure to change the towels daily and I launder the towels every other day. I still do the dusting and the vacuuming as well as the cleaning of the kitchen.

On top of all this, our furnace needed to be replaced immediately. We had a local company come in and they were very good with using masks, gloves and wiping all surfaces with Clorox wipes before they left. So we now have a new furnace and air conditioner. I have to say that I had a good chuckle when they were installing the air conditioner outside........in a flurry of heavy, white snow flakes! I saw the irony and enjoyed a good laugh with the installers but from a distance. It sure helped lighten my mood.

So I am still here. I'm still self-isolating. I am "still". I start my day with reflection, meditation and prayer. It keeps my inner sense of well-being and helps me be still. Reflection with total silence is so refreshing for me. I end up being rejuvenated and less stressed. This morning I woke up feeling anxious and restless. I had my morning cup of coffee but couldn't settle. I was up pacing in front of our living room windows while looking out. I was looking up the street. I looked down the street. I looked at the street across the road from our driveway. I paced some more. Then I realized that I felt like a caged tiger walking from one end of the cage to the other while looking out at the people. So I forced myself to sit. I knitted. I still couldn't settle. So I read my book. I still was restless. I picked up my copy of The Friendship Book and read today's entry. It did nothing for me. Then I picked up a daily reading book that my cousin-in-law/friend gave me that is filled with a scripture reading and then a reflection. It was just what I needed. I read it. I prayed for peace of mind and body. I finally felt an inner stillness that has stayed with me. I think it is very important for us to just be......or just be still.

COVID-19 Pandemic, A Suppressed Immune System and How to Cope

A lot has changed in the last 4 weeks since my last post. I continue to catch colds on a regular basis. Over the winter, I have restricted some of my activity. This is just the same thing that I have been doing for the last 3 years since the stem cell transplant. However, I am a social being and I enjoy seeing just a couple of friends at a time. The is called limiting my exposure to large crowds. I go to independent coffee shops that are not large chains. I'm exposed to less people and less germs. I'm supporting local businesses. I'm able to see my friends on a regular basis. When I go to church, I sing in the choir. I have not stayed for coffee hour after the service due to limiting my exposure to large groups of people. There are only 8 people in the choir. So I'm exposed to 8 people in close proximity rather than a crowd of 30 or more in close proximity. This has been my norm for the last 3 years. Hubby and I will go to dinner but it is at small local restaurants with less people than the large chains. This has been the first winter where I've been ill more often than not. Nothing more serious than the common cold or influenza but it hangs on for weeks at a time with me whereas with "normal" people it lasts 10 days and it is done. So I have limited the hockey games I go to.

Then The Brier (national men's curling championship) was held in my town. Hubby and I bought seats for the whole week event about a year and a half ago. I really wanted to attend. So I managed to get some masks and I wore a mask every single time I was in the building. Usually I was there early enough to put the mask on in my seat before people had arrived around me. The few times that I was later getting to the venue, I immediately went to the women's restroom and put my mask on. The mask was worn to protect me from regular colds and flus. At that time, my town did not have any cases of COVID-19. I wore the masks because it made sense for me to do so. When I was in hospital having my stem cell transplant done, I had to wear a mask when I left my room. The mask kept "germs" from entering my system. It protected me from others. It makes sense to me that I should do the same thing in large crowds. So I wore the mask at The Brier. I received stares and looks that varied. Most had the look that I was over reacting to the Coronavirus. My wearing a mask had nothing to do with the Coronavirus. I received sneering looks that said "If you're sick, stay home!". I was not sick. I was protecting myself. By the end of the week, I was no longer looking at people as I walked. I was looking down at the ground because I didn't want to see them judging me....actually misjudging me. My self-esteem took a big hit. Hubby was very supportive and we had a good time together attending The Brier. We met 2 men who were visiting the city for The Brier for the week. Early in the week, I let them know that I was not sick...that my immune system is permanently suppressed due to my cancer history and I was wearing the mask for self-protection. It was all good. We laughed with them. We joked with them. They told me they could tell when I was joking not because they could see me smile (it was hidden by the mask) but because my eyes sparkled in mischief. Also my eyes would crinkle. I was glad I wore the mask because we had a group sitting behind us who were very sick all week. One of the ladies didn't ever cover her mouth when she coughed or sneezed. I would feel my hair move. So...despite the late hour of returning home, I always had a hot shower and washed my hair to kill the germs that were spread. And they were spread. The gentleman sitting in the row in front of us started with the same cough late in the week. At best, these ladies had the flu. At worst....COVID-19?...who knows. I had my mask. I had to use hand sanitizer on my coat as they coughed on it and their water bottles touched my coat as, without my knowing, it had fallen over the back of my seat and was close to the sick ladies' drink holders on the back of the seats. After The Brier was finished, I washed my coat to kill the germs.

In the midst of all of this, Daughter was in Thailand since mid-January.....before the outbreak of the Coronavirus had made the news headlines. She left Thailand at the end of The Brier and went to Laos. Her pictures she sent and messages she sent were amazing! Then she travelled by bus to Vietnam. Hanoi, where she disembarked from the bus and went to a hostel, was a ghost town according to Daughter. Everything was closed. Bars, restaurants, tourist attractions were all closed. Hostels were closing. Daughter is now home and living in our basement as she is in self-isolation. She has no symptoms. Because of my immune system, she and I can not see each other. We correspond by intercom (our phone system) and by messages. I leave food for her on a table outside her door. Hubby brings up the dirty dishes and they are washed with the sanitizing cycle in the dishwasher. COVID-19 has arrived in our city. The hand washing, hand sanitizing, cleaning and sanitizing surfaces is not new to my household. We have had to do this for the last 3 years and will always have to do this. Really, nothing has changed in our household. The only thing is that Hubby will now do all the grocery shopping. I'm in self-isolation for my own protection. I have been doing this all winter anyway.

I hear reports on the news and from people on Facebook, that everyone thinks it is a real challenge to self-isolate for 14 days. Really?!! 14 days is nothing. I've been having to do this all winter for the most part. People are struggling with anxiety and what to do to fill their time. Well, here's my suggestions. When the anxiety becomes overwhelming, turn off the news, Facebook and unplug! Don't let anxiety overtake you and rob you of your current day. If you spend your time worrying, you won't enjoy your day and you've lost it without even having caught the pandemic. Fear is just as real a threat. Read a book. Learn a new skill. If you don't know much about cooking, learn to cook. Try out new recipes. Bake. Knit. Watch something on television that is not "heavy". Pray. Breathe. Talk to friends on the phone. Plant some seeds and watch them grow. Seeing the new growth helps lift the spirits and gives hope. Speaking of which....I did an experiment a couple of weeks ago. I took the heels (the ends) of finished romaine lettuce heads and put them in bowls in water just to see if they would sprout roots so I could plant them. Well, they haven't sprouted roots yet, but they have all sprouted new healthy green leaves in the centres. I used some today to make a caesar salad! I'm still hoping they will sprout roots and I can plant them in pots or outside when the weather is warmer. Hope....positivity. Small things like this can make us feel better.

In closing, I could give in to some nasty fear. I could worry about what Daughter has been exposed to in her travels home through Hanoi, Tokyo, Vancouver and Montreal airports as well as on the planes. I could worry. I could let it steal my day. Instead, I try to communicate with my daughter through other means than face to face. Do I want to hug and hold her and reassure her? Absolutely!! I can't wait until I can do this. In the meantime, I'm cooking healthy meals for her and making some of her favourite foods to show my love. I'm still volunteering reading to my friend in the retirement home but now I read to him over the phone as the facility is closed to the public. When the weather is warm enough (and if the facility is still closed), I will sit outside his window in my lawn chair and read to him over the phone. He won't see me clearly but he will know that I'm there. There are ways to survive self-isolation for 14 days. Don't complain! You don't have to self-isolate for the rest of your life like those people who have compromised immune systems.

Keeping Busy and Healthy....Keeping Fear Away

I have finally strung together a few weeks of good health. I have discovered that I need to stay busy in order to block the thoughts of returned illness. Currently, illness refers to the number of colds and flu that are circulating in my community. Of course, there is always the lurking and dreaded thoughts of relapsed lymphoma. That illness is always on the perimeter of my thoughts. But for now, I have been healthy and keeping myself busy.

I started volunteering for the local food bank in January and I am enjoying it. I do not work with other volunteers very often and I enjoy the physical aspect of the position. I am feeling a little stronger all the time. I have been reading for my enjoyment and relaxation but I have also started reading to a friend of mine who has lost his vision. I went to the local library and picked up a book by one of his favourite authors. I only read about 1 hour per day but not on weekends. I suspect that I will have to renew this book at least 2 times and perhaps more before we are finished with it. I enjoy this activity very much. It gives me an opportunity to visit with him and it gets me out of the house. I'm also filling my day with attempting another painting.

A year ago today at this exact time, Hubby and I were in British Columbia and making our way to Tofino. There had been a major snow storm which was unusual for Vancouver Island. I took a picture during our drive that caught the snow covered fir trees on Mount Malahat. So I am attempting to recreate that memory with the use of my photograph. It is going to be a challenge for me as I have never painted trees laden with snow. The boughs were bent downwards due the weight of the snow. It was a very pretty drive but it was slippery in some spots.

I miss going to the live hockey games that we used to go to regularly. I am afraid to go now because after going the last few times, I seemed to come home with a major cold which would show up about 3-5 days later. I seem to have difficulty getting rid of these colds. This is my new normal. I miss the live action at the games. I love going to the games and cheering for our local OHL team. As for catching colds, I'm on alert all the time. Hubby has caught a cold this week and I'm trying to keep everything clean and sanitized so that I don't catch it. Since Hubby already has this cold, I've given my son permission to come home this weekend even though he also has a cold. It is Family Day on Monday and my son's birthday is coming up very soon as well. So I'm happy that he is coming home but I'm also afraid of catching the cold. I do not want to be sick again. I want to continue to be healthy. Do I wear a mask and go to the hockey games? This would give me pleasure to be at the games but I don't want people staring at me especially in light of the world's crisis with the Coronavirus. With Hubby currently have the cold, should I be wearing a mask all the time? I sometimes feel like I'm losing the battle. One step forward and then two or three steps backwards. I always said I don't want to live in a bubble where I don't see people. But I don't want to catch any more bugs. What to do! It is a dilemna.

I remember my oncologist telling me to manage the risks. This is why I can't work with people. I have to manage the risk of getting sick. I am very aware when I'm in a public place and I cringe when I hear someone cough or sneeze. I'm afraid....afraid the germs are going to float over to me and infect me. I'm afraid I'm going to touch some surface and catch another bug. I use hand sanitizer all the time when I'm out. I go grocery shopping and I use hand sanitizer as soon as I get back in my car. When I've gone to a hockey game, I use hand sanitizer as soon as I am seated in my seat. Hubby and I go early so we avoid the crowds before the game. I do not walk around during the intermissions. I stay in my seat. Hubby and I wait until most of the crowds have left after the game before we leave our seats and make our way to our car. I'm trying to manage the risks. But I'm afraid I'm becoming paranoid.

In order to combat the fears and germ paranoia, I keep busy. I volunteer. I read. I paint. I clean and keep up with household chores. Then the fear hits again. Am I becoming obsessive and compulsive?! I wash my hands many multiple times in a day. I use hand sanitizer on top of all the hand washing. It is winter and because I have sensitive skin, my hands are getting chapped so I'm using my favourite hand lotion which keeps the skin from cracking. The next thought is.....is this really good quality of life? Being afraid to go out in public places because of other people having cold and flu bugs but not washing their hands or covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze?

So the cycle continues. Fretful and fearful thoughts followed by filling my time with friends, volunteering and hobbies so that the fretful and fearful thoughts don't take hold. Then the next cold hits and takes hold....so the cycle continues. More hand washing, isolating, trying to fill the time during the day and trying to get myself healthy again. But.....I can stop this cycle. I visit with friends. I read. I volunteer. I paint. And I pray. I pray for good health. I pray for the fearful thoughts to dissipate. I shove them in my new closet for the "What ifs". The old closet was too full and I couldn't fit them in anymore. So expanded and built a new "What ifs" closet in my mind. Imagery does help. But only sometimes.

In ending today's post, if you see me with a mask on as I go out into public spaces, please don't stare. Please don't judge. Please don't assume that I'm someone who is panicking because of the coronavirus. Please be aware that I'm trying to enjoy a good quality of life but I'm also having to manage my risks and protect myself from the common cold or flu. This winter, the common cold lasts up to 4 weeks with me. The flu lasts 2 weeks. I'm wearing a mask only to protect myself. And I'm trying really hard to avoid being a germaphobe lunatic.

A Day Full of Discouraging Fear

To be honest, I'm getting very discouraged this winter. I had an intestinal flu earlier this week and finally yesterday, I was feeling normal. Hooray!!! I had some energy and happy to be feeling healthy. I went to bed early last night as I was tired. When I laid my head down, I could feel my sinuses filling up. Oh no! Not another cold! And yes, yes it is. My head is full again of congestion and I'm back to having no energy.

I was hoping to get together with friends this morning and I had to cancel that. I was hoping to get together and have coffee at a local coffee shop with some more friends and I had to cancel that. I have been trying to get back into singing and being in the church choir. Tonight is choir practice night and I've had to send an email off to say I won't make it there tonight. I know that the Rituxan has suppressed my immune system but please, God, give me a break from this constantly being ill! I don't want to spread the cold so I quarantine myself to staying at home....and I don't have the energy to go anywhere.

I have to admit that I'm a little worried about being sick all the time. I remind myself that this is the new normal with the Rituxan in my system. But....one of the signs for me when the lymphoma relapsed in 2017 was catching everything that was going around. I used to never get sick. As I felt my sinuses filling up last night, I got scared. So my mind is still playing with me today. "Am I relapsing again?"  "I'm losing weight...is it because the lymphoma is back?" (of course, I would lose weight as I had a stomach bug and haven't been able to eat much this week). "I'm so tired all the time." (of course I'm tired, I've started volunteering and filling my days...I'm out of shape). "The night sweats are occurring again...is the lymphoma back?!" (but of course, I'm hot at night...the heat is on and I wear a warm nightgown....but when I don't wear the warm night gown, I'm cold).

It's very tiring to have your mind independently spring these thoughts on you from no where and then you argue with yourself and give plausible explanations. What this creates is fear, confusion and the need to be mentally strong. So, I'm taking care of myself today by drinking lots of steaming cups of tea with honey to help combat the cold. I'm resting. And I'm trying to prevent my thoughts from bringing me down. I think it's time to use the imagery from 2012 where I take the "what ifs" and thrown them in the imaginary closet in my mind and slam the door shut before the other "what ifs" fall out. It's time to take time to be creative and occupy my mind, hence the blog post today.

The blog has been a huge blessing for me as it provides me an outlet to acknowledge my fears and at the same time, hopefully help other people go through their own cancer journeys or other life journeys. Everyone's "trip" is different and unique just like we are different and unique individuals. So today, I acknowledge the fear. After some hot turkey soup for lunch, I think I will pick up my paint brushes and start a new painting. My hope is this activity will occupy my mind and my "what if" thoughts will leave me alone.

A Better Day

I woke up this morning at 4:30. I was wide awake and headed for the computer to do some banking and just to surf. I got bored and tired but now it was too close to getting up at a normal time. So, I decided to work on my painting.

Late last summer, a friend of mine posted some pictures she had taken at one of my favourite beaches. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I decided to attempt to paint this favourite place. I neglected to mention yesterday, that this was the first beach my children went to as toddlers. As a young family, Hubby, our children and myself would visit here as part of our summer vacation. I remember burying the children in the sand. I remember making sand castles with them on the beach. We would go wading into the water and jump into the big waves on a hot summer day. As our children grew, they would play frisbee on the beach with dear old Dad and Mom. A football was known to be thrown around as well. Of course, there was always the sunscreen being slathered on as my children inherited my very fair skin along with the red hair. After a busy day, it was always so relaxing to walk along the beach and watch the sunset. So when my friend posted a picture of a sunset at this beach, I asked her permission to download it onto my computer and use it as inspiration for a painting...sometime in the future. As mentioned yesterday, I decided to use painting as another method to be creative. As my voice and music seemed to be touch and go, I needed another creative outlet in addition to my knitting and the occasional posting on the blog. I started the painting last week and this morning I finished it. I'm pleased with it. I love the sunset colours that I managed to create and how they are reflected in the wild waves. I am pleased with how the reds, oranges and blues of the sky reflect on the wet sand as the water retreats back to the lake. The act of painting seems to have released endorphins for me and I've been very happy and relaxed today.

It has been a better day today as I was out this morning to have tea, visit and sing with a couple of good friends. I was able to do this even after an evening of singing last night with my church choir! My voice is on the mend!! Then I was off to run errands and do some groceries before meeting up with another couple of women who have been so supportive as I've struggled. They cheer me along even as I struggled. What a lovely afternoon! I'm feeling so very blessed and happy today. The day has left me with a full feeling of accomplishment. This sort of day truly helps me to feel positive about the future regardless of the fears of the unknown. A simple thing like being creative makes all the difference for me....that and spending time with people. I realize that I'm not the sort of person who can live in a lonely bubble and be happy. Do I like some solitary time? Yes, sometimes. It helps to rejuvenate me. But I need people. I need to feel useful or helpful. I truly need to be creative. Music has always been a part of my life. To lose my singing ability permanently would be a major blow and require another attempt to redefine myself. I am so fortunate that my singing is coming back as I heal and get better from the latest flu. But....I now know that I can still paint in a different medium (acrylic instead of oil) and that I enjoy writing. The blog (started way back in 2012 as a means to inform the many friends and family of what is going on with me regarding the lymphoma) has been unexpectedly good for me to be creative in my writing.

So here's to more good days and great days! And included is my new painting entitled "Sauble Beach Sunset".

The Struggle

Time has passed since my last post. At the time of that post, I had a cold that had attached itself to me on November 18. It chose to sit and torment me until just days before Christmas. I am thankful that I was healthy for getting together with friends and family for Christmas. My Christmas day was perfect in my opinion. I love having my table filled with family, love, laughter and food. This is what I remember about the many previous Christmases from my childhood while visiting my grandparents.

Christmas 2019, I was blessed with good health, my children being home, my husband's cousins visiting and enjoying a bountiful meal of turkey with all the trimmings. The table was full of laughter and chatter as we enjoyed each others' company. On Boxing Day (Dec. 26), I felt good and healthy enough to go for a walk. The day was sunny with a slight wind but it was lovely as we were dressed for the weather. Our original plan of a walk in the local conservation area was slightly adjusted to instead being a walk to the bank and some of the stores to see what sales could be had. I was a little wary of going into the stores with my immune system being suppressed. However, I went along into the 2 stores we visited. While in Best Buy, I could hear people hacking and coughing and sneezing. I didn't buy anything but Hubby and some others with us did. I made the mistake of standing in the checkout line with Hubby. On both sides of me, strangers sneezed and coughed without covering their mouths. I instantly told Hubby I was going to wait outside on the bench by the front doors to wait for them. Unfortunately, it was too late. I caught the flu that these people had.

The flu showed up on New Year's Eve day. I ran a fever of 100-101 Fahrenheit from that day until the Saturday. I had a painful racking cough that took my breath away and I was fully congested.....again. As I write this, I am feeling better each day. I find I tire easily and I'm mostly just congested first thing in the morning now. I am finally able to sing again. I truly have had a hoarse speaking and non-existent singing voice since November. However, I am on the mend and I'm singing a little more again.

During this time of illness (November through the first 2 weeks of January), I really struggled with the emotional toll of being sick. Physically I did not have energy to do anything but read and watch television. I was not motivated to write in the blog. When I thought of writing in the blog, all I could think is that no one wants to hear the sad, down-trodden part of living in remission but knowing the whole lymphoma thing will come again. I lost about 8 pounds during this time period. Although it was all explainable as my appetite was affected, I worried. I worried that the lymphoma was back and that this is why I was so sick all the time. I was worried that I was losing weight because there might be tumours inside me that I don't know about eating up all my nutrition. I was worried in the beginning of January that I might have pneumonia. I did go to my family physician to check on that and no, I did not have pneumonia. It was influenza that is going around. That relieved part of my anxiety but I was sad. I was down. I was discouraged as I had no energy. I saw my days gaping ahead of me with no purpose. I was thinking about all the cancer treatments I've gone through since 2012. I was thinking about how quality of life is affected by the treatments, the news that life will not be like it was and there is a "new normal" where I have to watch what I do. These brooding thoughts brought me to a mental place where I saw how the lymphoma has stolen so much from me and although I'm in remission, the treatments have stolen my health from me as well. Of course, there was the news article about Doxarubicin which was in my chemo regime in 2012 and how this "drug" will most likely affect my heart in the years to come too. Quality of life......hmmmmmm.....NOT!! So along with feeling down, I was feeling some anger too.

So I have made the decision to stop whining. I am going to fill my days so I don't have time to brood and go into that dark place that beckons me. I started volunteering in a position where I do not deal with the public but I am doing some good. The volunteer position is not doing anything earth shattering but I feel like I make a bit of a difference. I am sleeping more soundly due to being active. I realized that I need to start walking every day....but I'm putting it off until tomorrow when the temperature will be closer to the freezing mark and not in the deep cold that we've been experiencing. I have also started painting again. I planned on doing that back in the Fall but I just did not have the energy or desire while I was down and out with the cold and then the flu. This past Monday, I started painting a picture of my favourite beach where I enjoyed many hours as a child, teenager and young adult. I used to walk along this beach in the early mornings before any tourists showed up. I love the sunsets which is what I'm working on in this painting. The lake always has rolling, breaking waves. I have never painted breaking waves before and so far, I am pleased with my efforts. Hubby actually recognized the breaking waves!

So the struggle seems to be less this week. Last week, it was a definite struggle. On Thursday last week, I felt like I was in an eddy of blackness that was sucking me down. I went to church on Sunday and the minister's sermon was so very appropriate to what I had been struggling with in the last couple of months. She talked about imperfect people having gifts to offer and use. Her sermon was the impetus I required to get back into painting and writing. To embrace my new volunteer roll. These things along with rejoining the choir, now that I'm healthy, and getting together with friends again is helping to lift me up.