Day 19 - 6th Chemo Cycle

What a beautiful day it was today.  The sun shone brightly all day.  It was warm and you could almost see the leaves unfurl and grow on the trees.  Yesterday I took my tomato plants and red pepper plants outdoors onto the patio to get hardened off.  I'm hoping I'll be able to plant them on the weekend in my vegetable garden.  They seemed to survive just fine and were a little more perky looking today after the shock of being introduced to the outdoors yesterday.

I continued to be a little anxious about my CT scan results.  Wednesday can't get here soon enough.  In order to keep myself distracted and therefore more positive, I worked on my hedge some more.  I'm trying to cut back the top growth to where I had originally cut it back to when we first moved into the house 11 years ago.  Although we've trimmed the hedge every year and sometimes twice a year, the top seemed to gain and keep about 4 inches.  My project this year is to reclaim and cut it back.  It's slow going as I don't have a lot of strength and energy.  I do a little bit of work and then I have to sit down and rest for a bit.  Today I got a good portion done.  My muscles are sore and tired tonight but I think this is good as I will get myself back into some kind of physical shape.

I arrived late at my son's high school baseball game but I managed to sit on the bleachers for about 4 innings.  This is better than the last time I sat on bleachers last week.  At that time, I lasted only 3 innings before I had to leave.  Tonight my husband and I went for an hour walk.  It was hard and it was a slow walk but I was able to do it.  My body is slowly getting stronger.  I still need to build my stamina and my endurance.  I still run out of breath quickly.  I still have to rest often.  I still walk slowly.  I have noticed that my balance still isn't 100%.  I used to be able to walk up and down the bleachers at the ball fields without much effort.  My balance is off and as a result I'm wobbly going up and down the bleachers.  I find my legs are weaker also.  I feel like an old lady.

After our walk tonight, my husband and I sat on the patio until the moquitos chased us indoors.  It was so peaceful to hear the chickadees, robins and cardinals singing away.  A great end to a great day.  Let's hope tomorrow will be a repeat.

Day 18 - 6th Chemo Cycle - Mother's Day

What an extra special Mother's Day this has been.  I was  around to enjoy it!!!  My whole family made my day today.  I talked with my own mom briefly this morning via the telephone.  My daughter made me a beautiful card from both her and my son.  My son touched me deeply when he publicly mentioned that I have been an inspiration to him throughout the last 6 months.

I felt good this morning and so I made the trip out of town again today to watch our son play baseball this morning.  We got back home and I was able to enjoy some time on the patio with my husband as we watched the birds at the feeder.  Our children came out every so often to visit and then they disappeared back inside as only teenagers do.  My husband made supper on the barbecue and our daughter made the caesar salad to go with our supper.  Our son set the table.  After dinner, they took me out to Dairy Queen for a small caramel sundae with pecans.  What a great day this was!

Today I also heard about another person who did not beat their fight with cancer.  Everyday I seem to see obituaries in the newspaper about people that have had their lives end much too soon due to cancer.  I feel so thankful that my prognosis from the beginning has been so positive.  Now as I'm facing the end of treatment, I feel mixed feelings.  I'm hopeful and looking forward to the rest of my life and being cancer-free.  At the same time, I feel some guilt as I see others struggling with diagnoses and prognoses that are not so positive.  While going through my treatments, I would see others who were just as positive and obvious fighters but their chances of survival were more slim.  All this makes me wonder why some people get one form of cancer that is so vicious and terminal and others like myself get a form of cancer that is more treatable.

As the Relay For Life comes closer, I realize that research in the past has been so important in improving the treatment of various forms of cancer.  Thus, it gives people like me a better prognosis so that we can experience another Mother's Day, Father's Day,  birthday, etc.  So please when you have an opportunity to donate to cancer research, consider it carefully and realize that there are advancements made in research due to the money that is collected through fundraising.  As I walk in the Relay For Life this year, I will be remembering the wonderful people I've met who are also fighting cancer.  I will also be remembering the people that I know who have lost their battle with this horrible disease.  As I walk each lap, I will be thankful that I'm healthy enough to participate and I will be celebrating with my family and friends the end of my chemotherapy treatments.  This will be the beginning of getting better and stronger each day.

You may support my team by clicking on the following link:

http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_ON_even_?team_id=269893&pg=team&fr_id=10558

Day 17 - 6th Chemo Cycle

When I awoke this morning, the first thing that entered my mind was worry and fear about the CT scan.  I gave myself a mental pep talk that worrying doesn't help anything and just makes me miserable and then I offered up a short prayer for peace of mind.   The rest of my day was great.  I was distracted for the day and as a result, my mind was calm and peaceful.

I did a load of laundry and hung it out to dry this morning.  I finally finished my sign "Relay For Life Rhubarb....$5/Bundle".  Hopefully it will dry fully over the weekend.  We supported the M&M Meats Charity BBQ (supporting Crohns & Colitis Foundation) by going there for lunch.  Then we went on the road out of town to watch our son's baseball game this afternoon.  It was great to be able to sit in my lawn chair for the whole game and support my son.  Secretly, I was very proud of him.  While at the game, I also collected some donations to the Relay For Life.

We treated ourselves to dinner out at our favourite BBQ restaurant.  I've had a good day but I am a little weary.  I'll see how I feel tomorrow but I'm hoping I'll be able to go to the ball field again in the morning.  If I'm too tired, I'll just spend the day on the patio and enjoy the birds and sunshine.

I think the key to not fretting about the CT scan is to use my methods of distraction such as reading, knitting, family activities and enjoying nature.  Let's hope this plan can get me through to Wednesday.  I also have found in the last 6 months that focusing on others helps keep my mind off myself.

Day 16 - 6th Chemo Cycle - CT Scan

This morning I had to eat my breakfast before 8 a.m. because I couldn't have anything but water after that time.  My CT Scan appointment was for 10:15.  I got there a little early because I wasn't sure where I was going.  Once I registered at the desk, the clerk gave me a piece of paper and I was directed to the waiting room.  While waiting, I looked at the piece of paper and it was a copy of the requisition that my oncologist had sent over.  The paper indicated my appointment was for 12 noon.  I was starting to worry that I was there much too early.  Then a gentleman in hospital garb arrived at the waiting room and called my name.  Relief flowed through me because I wasn't too early.  He gave me a very large plastic container full of water and a plastic cup with three different times written on it in marker..."Now", "11:00", and "11:30".  He gave me instructions to drink 1 cup full of water at each of the three times.  This was now 10:15 and so he adjusted the times saying I could drink at 10:45, and 11:15.  So I drank all the water as directed.  At about 11:25 or so (there was a clock in the waiting room), the gentleman came back and called me in.

He had me sit on a gurney and started asking me questions about if I've had previous CT scans.  "Yes", I replied, "on Dec. 2 I had a chest CT scan and on Dec. 16 I had an abdominal CT scan".  I went on to explain that I had no reaction to the first CT scan but on Dec. 16 I reacted to the red dye later in the day with a rash on my chest.  The gentleman (technician?) had to confer with two different doctors because I was dealing with a neck/chest and also the abdomen.  After the small three-way conference, the technician came back to me and said they were not going to give me the red dye today.  Now I was anxious and concerned.  My concern is that without the red dye, maybe they'll miss something.  Maybe they won't be able to see if all of the cancer is gone.  I mentioned this to the technician and he said that the doctors feel that because this is a comparison CT scan (not a dianostic one like the previous two) that they will be able to see what they need to see.  He went on to explain that they didn't want to give me the red dye especially since it was in the neck area where the possibility of anaphylactic shock would be too dangerous.  The technician went on to say that if my oncologist deems another CT scan needs to be done using the dye, that he can prescribe me some pre-appointment medication to help fight the allergic reaction.  So we had a CT scan done of my neck, chest and abdomen without using the dye.

I left the hospital about 12:15.  I've been much more tired throughout today.  I came home and had a friend over for tea.  After she left, I went for a nap.  I guess I fell asleep immediately as a few minutes after I went to bed, my husband came home and found me sound asleep.  I slept for 2 hours.

I am feeling very anxious.  What if the CT scan shows that it is clear but that's because there was no dye used and they've missed something because of that?  I'm feeling some of the same anxiety and worry that I felt back in December when we were waiting for results from diagnostic tests.  I have to wait for 5 days before I see my oncologist.  I see him on Wednesday.  I need to focus on a wonderful weekend with my family that will culminate with Mother's Day.


You would think that after all this it would still be easy for me to hand my worries over God.  It isn't.  But I have to remind myself that worrying doesn't change anything.  It won't change the outcome of the CT scan.  It won't make me feel any better.  Throughout the last few months, I've been learning to do some deep breathing to help relax me and centre my thinking as I pray.  I need to remind myself to inhale slowly and deeply and gather my fears and worries.  As I exhale slowly, all these fears and worries are given over to God's hands to collect and keep.  Now I pray for peace of mind and calmness as well as envisioning a circle around me that cannot be penetrated by negativity, fears or worries.  I finish with a prayer for God to keep me safe.

Day 15 - 6th Chemo Cycle

I was tired again today.  I still can't make firm plans each day.  My plans are all contingent on whether I have the energy to go out.  I had hoped to do the mundane task of grocery shopping today.  I so want to help out towards household chores and make it easier on my husband.  However, when I woke up today I just knew that I didn't have the energy to do the shopping.

My mind had energy even though my body did not.  I was in a creative mood and made another quinoa salad for lunch.  I was very pleased with it and there was enough to have at dinner time too.  My son and husband even enjoyed it.  I created a stuffed chicken breast using the few ingredients we had in our refrigerator and pantry.  I could tell it is time to do a grocery run.  Anyway, I flattened some chicken breasts and put a slice of black forest ham on each along with a small square of cheddar cheese.  I rolled the breasts up and secured them with a toothpick.  Then I took some leftover salsa and combined it in a pot over medium heat with orange marmalade, dried lemon peel, cardamom, cumin and celery seed.  Once the orange marmalade was melted and combined with the salsa and spices, I spooned it over each chicken breast and then baked them uncovered for 35 minutes at 350.  I served it with the quinoa salad and a caesar salad.  In my opinion, it worked very well.  My son asked for me to reserve the extra breast for him to eat after his baseball game tonight.

I was happy to be able to have enough energy to be creative and cook a full meal today.  I know this is something that I used to take for granted but in the last 6 months, it has been an infrequent activity for me just because I did not feel well enough or have enough energy to cook.  I now appreciate and take pleasure in the small things in life.

Secretly, I was glad it was cool and rainy today because I allowed myself to have a rest day.  I enjoyed a leisurely visit with a friend over tea this afternoon.  It has currently stopped raining and I'm hoping I can go for a short walk yet tonight.

Tomorrow I go for my CT scan in the morning.  The last one I had in December, I had a slight reaction to the red dye that they injected into me.  I hope that my veins don't roll as they try to get the needle into me tomorrow.  My veins rolled away from the nurses in both my fifth and sixth chemo treatments.  As far as the rash, I have some liquid benedryl at home now so I will just have to take that if I get a rash.  I'm not overly anxious but I am a little nervous about tomorrow.  I just hope the results will show that everything is clear and fine.  I won't know the results until Wednesday, May 16.  I have to mentally gird myself from thinking about the "what ifs".  I just want this all to be done with.  I'm looking forward to feeling like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  At the moment, I still have a "huge boulder" resting on top of my shoulders as I wait.

Day 14 - 6th Chemo Cycle

After having two outings yesterday, I was very tired today.  I finally went outside to the patio when the sun shone brightly this afternoon.  I worked a little bit on the hedge until I felt tired again.  Then I sat and read my book in the sunshine where it was nice and warm.  I still feel cold a lot of the time even though other people are warm.  When I felt rested and thought I had some energy again, I tried to start weeding my flowerbed.  I couldn't do that for very long and then I was tired again.

I just have to be satisfied with doing little bits of activity and recognize that I get tired very easily.  Once the shade of our house covered the patio, I moved indoors and rested until dinner.  After dinner, I went to the Relay For Life Team Captains Night at the Canadian Cancer Society office.  I picked out my tent site for June 1 and received some answers to my questions regarding the logistics of the event.  After that, my husband treated me to an ice cream waffle cone.  The swiss mocha ice cream tasted wonderful!  Little pleasures of life is all I really need to be happy. 

It was a momentous day today in that I met my fundraising goal of $800.  I'm going to try to beat that.  The team goal for Cathy Conquers Cancer is $5,000.  So far the team has raised $1,825.  Now that I'm starting to feel better each day, I'll be able to start fundraising in person a little more.  I'll be selling fresh rhubarb from my garden for $5 per bundle.  A bundle will consist of what I can hold in one fist.  This will not be a small amount as I have large hands.  I mentioned in a previous post that I'm working on a sign.  I still am.  I'm currently waiting for the background paint to dry so that I can do the lettering.  My daughter has offered to draw a yellow daffodil on the sign as well.

I played the piano for a little bit today and am rusty.  My fingers aren't cooperating very well which shows I need to practise more often.  Part of the problem is there is some numbness in my fingers as a side effect from the chemotherapy.  This will pass.

I also enjoyed a couple of phone call visits today with my mother and then my brother and sister-in-law.  It's so nice when the miles melt away and you feel like you're visiting in the same room.  So although I get frustrated with how easily I get tired, it's been a good day.  I'm just happy to be getting better each day.  I continue to feel blessed each and every day not just for my friends and family but for my return to health.

Day 13 - 6th Chemo Cycle

I slept really well last night for a change.  I had energy when I woke up so I kept the van today.  I went to the school where I taught piano lessons and visited my students and the teachers during the noon hour.  It was nice to see everyone and it warmed my heart to receive the outpouring of affection and good wishes.  As per usual, everyone was very surprised at how well I looked.  My cheeks are pink and my weight hasn't changed.

This visit tired me out and I had no energy for the rest of the afternoon.  Generally, I'm feeling well at the moment.  The constipation bug is visiting and this time around, I'm trying to handle it through diet.  So I'm eating lots of fibre and drinking lots of water.  At some point, it will all start to move again.  I tire easily and I just have to make sure that I don't do too much in one day.

Tonight, I was very happy to go out with my son and buy a suit for his graduation.  It was fun and seemed to give me even more energy.  It's been a good day today.

A few days ago, I posted about watching my son play baseball.  It has been brought to my attention by various readers that I left everybody hanging and didn't let them know the outcome of the game.  His team won their game that day but I don't remember the score.  I just know it was great fun to be able to embrace life and participate in the outside world.

I realized today that I'm not experiencing a feeling of relief that I'm done my chemotherapy.  I expected that I would feel a great relief and feel like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  That hasn't happened yet.  I'm assuming it is because I still have a CT scan to go through on Friday and that I still have to hear my doctor tell me the results are clear.  I'm still just going day to day.  I'm not looking too far ahead yet.  I'm waiting for the day that I feel free and can celebrate fully a clean bill of health.  I'm not sure if this will happen next week or will I mentally and emotionally not feel like celebrating until 5 years from now when I'm declared "cancer free".  I guess I'll have to wait and see.  Just like at the beginning of this journey when I had to wait for chemotherapy to start, I'm back to waiting for clear results of medical tests.

Stay tuned.