I don't know if it is the residual effects of a crappy February or even the residual effects of the last 2 years but if I'm absolutely, bare-bones honest with myself, then I have been struggling to keep positive, happy and peace-filled. Perhaps I'm a bit down in the dumps because of the grey, cold, rainy weather we've been having. Whatever the reason, I find myself looking to keep busy and keep my mind occupied so I don't think too much. When I have quiet moments, I start to worry about when is the lymphoma going to return. I don't want to think this way but the reality is it will return. We just don't know when. It could be in a month, in several months, perhaps even years before it returns. It is like having a guillotine hanging over your head and you don't know when it is going to fall.
So how do I cope? How do I keep from falling into a pit of despair? I keep busy. Hubby and I have decided to reclaim our house and update it. So, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I have learned to mud and sand the drywall. All the patches are done that we are doing ourselves. Our son's bedroom has been painted. The only full bathroom has been painted. The hallway and the dining room have been painted. Next our daughter's room is being fixed up by a professional. Hubby and I felt it was beyond what our limited skills could fix. At the same time, the professional is going to finish my partially finished laundry room. New flooring is going to be put down in June. Again, we are investing in having professionals do the flooring. This project has been good to keep me physically and mentally busy. I've emptied out closets, cabinets and boxed up the belongings so that the walls could be painted and in preparation for the floors to be done. You see, I have another Rituxan treatment happening on May 23. I never know how my body is going to react and so I want to have everything prepared by then.
The last couple of days, I have been trying to find more things to do to keep busy. When I stop, my mind plays with me. All the "what ifs" that I am trying to outrun, catch up to me and play havoc with my emotional well-being. I feel good and healthy as I've had the energy to do all this prep work. I still manage my energy as I rest when needed. But the down side is that when I rest, the "what ifs" are always there. This is when I rely on some mental fortitude and strength to remind myself that physically, I'm feeling good. We did have a couple of warm days early in the week and I was out gently playing in my flowerbeds by pulling up some of the invasive weeds and plants. The ground is still to cold to dig deep but it was satisfying to be outside.
I know that I am dealing with some anxiety regarding the lymphoma because I lose concentration and I'm having some insomnia issues. I have a tendency to want to tighten up the control of things around me when I get anxious. I have always been aware that this is not a healthy way to deal with anxiety but it's there. So amidst the chaos of renovations, I'm anxious about keeping the house clean. The anxiety mounts as I am surrounded by the chaos of boxes, dust and seemingly endless disruption. This is when I stop, breathe deeply and try to centre myself with calm. If that doesn't work, I'm back to vacuuming, dusting and going through drawers and closets and purging "stuff".
I am feeling good and know that some sore muscles are a good sign that I'm getting back into shape. I look forward to working in the garden and then sitting on my patio and enjoying nature. As I contemplate where all my anxiety is coming from, I realize that it may also be attributed to the upcoming check up and treatment. As I write this, I also realize that it was May 16, 2012 that I was officially declared in remission from my first round with lymphoma. Am I officially in remission now? I don't really know. I don't think so as I believe there are still some spots in my abdomen but they are slow growing which is normal with follicular lymphoma. Wednesday was not a good day for me this week. I could feel myself falling into the doldrums. Yesterday I kept busy and so it didn't really affect me too much......although I didn't sleep well last night. The brain worried and wouldn't shut down. I'm hoping that by thinking and writing in the blog today will help me deal with my concerns and move on.
The bottom line is that I would love to be fully cured. I would love to know that the lymphoma is never, ever returning. That's not the reality though and most of the time I can seize my days and wring the most joy out of them. It's just been tough lately. Again, honestly, the dark cloud of worry and lymphoma seems to have been more prevalent since February. So again, how much of it is actually worrying about my health or dealing with grief and loss? I haven't been able to figure that out. It is all woven together to create a rope that is pulling me down. So I continue to fight against sinking into despair. I usually put on a good face and positive attitude. I don't want to worry my friends and family, so I smile and continue life as "normal". I'm looking forward to going out for some wings tonight with friends and then listening and dancing to some music....until I run out of energy. The weather is supposed to dry up and warm up this weekend so maybe Hubby and I can go for our first ride of the season on "The Big Wing" (his Honda Goldwing) bike. Perhaps.....I'm finally ready to dump the worries and enjoy life a little better.
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