The Emotional Rollercoaster of Lymphoma

In my last post, I was dealing with heightened anxiety as I awaited the results of my PET scan. On Wednesday, March 7, I saw my oncologist to get the results. The whole point of going for the PET scan was to check the 2 slightly enlarged lymph nodes in the left side of my abdomen. The PET scan showed that this was not due to cancerous tissue but it was in fact scar tissue. That was good news. Then came the concerning part of the appointment. Something new showed up in the PET scan. The PET scan lit up something that is 1.7 cm big and is on my right side. All my lymphoma in the past has always been on the left side. My doctor is not sure of what it is. It may be cancer or it may not. A biopsy is going to have to be done but it may be too small to get a biopsy at this point.

Hubby asked the doctor directly if this is cancer. His reply is he didn't know. In my doctor's words, "The primary suspect would be lymphoma, but we won't know until we get a biopsy." This new spot is not attached or near any organs. It is my understanding that it is located in a soft, floppy area and can jiggle around that area. To get a biopsy, I will have to undergo an IVR which I did in July 2017. That is a procedure where a radiologist uses ultrasound and CT scan technologies to guide a needle to the spot, stab the spot and withdraw cells to test/biopsy. My doctor seemed to think that at this point it would be like using a toothpick to stab one single olive in a jar of liquid. My doctor needs to confer with other doctors and the radiologist to determine if it is possible at this point to get a biopsy.

I haven't blogged about this because I've been in the process of contacting family to give them the update. I would feel absolutely terrible if family found out through the blog. After the appointment on Wednesday, Hubby and I were in shock. I have no symptoms. My energy levels have been increasing. I've been gaining weight. I feel for Hubby because he has to continue going to work and try to get to a place of acceptance while he continues to capably do his job. I am fortunate that I am at home.

On Thursday, I went into an emotionally deep hole. I was very sad. I was very discouraged. I wallowed in self pity which is not like me to do. I was looking ahead to the "what ifs". By Thursday night, I had got to a logical place of acceptance and waiting for results. This could or could not be lymphoma. The truth is we don't know. My file has been put on the agenda for a conference which takes place every Monday between the hematologists, medical oncologists and radiologists at the Cancer Centre. They will look at the facts and determine if we go for a biopsy or take a "wait and watch" approach. That would mean waiting and watching this grow until it is big enough to get a biopsy. My doctor did warn me that sometimes there are too many patient files to discuss and when they run out of time, the files that haven't been discussed are discussed the following Monday. On Wednesday, he told us that if my file is "postponed", he will try to search out and meet with the pertinent doctors individually to get their opinions. I'm scheduled to have an appointment this Wednesday to meet my doctor and find out the course of action. If he hasn't been able to meet with the doctors needed by that time, my appointment with him will be rescheduled for next Wednesday.

In the meantime, I refuse to waste another day having a "pity party". I've had a great weekend visiting with friends and my son has come home for a brief visit. I had a wonderful walk with Hubby yesterday and enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine. I have a terrific circle of friends and family that are my safety net. I know that I can call certain people at any time of day if I need to talk. Hubby continues to be my rock even as he continues to have is own journey to deal with all this.

It bears repeating that life is short and I want to wring out every bit of enjoyment from each and every day. So no more wallowing in sadness, self pity and anger. I will deal with any upcoming information and action plans when they happen. In the meantime, carpe diem. Seize the day!!