The Emotional Toll of Lymphoma

The majority of the time I continue to enjoy life to the fullest. However, sometimes tears suddenly well up and anxiety grabs hold. I awoke last night around 2 a.m. to find I was weeping in my sleep. As I laid in bed trying to orient myself, I was overcome with melancholy. I realized that this was my subconscious dealing with the uncertainty of the future. Once I recognized that, I snuggled down under my covers and thought of my favourite places. They are Sauble Beach on Lake Huron, the Niagara Escarpment throughout Grey County and of course, Scotland. As I lay in bed, I imagined the sunsets as viewed from the beach at Sauble Beach. I imagined walking through the fields of my grandparents' farm and hearing the birds of my childhood visits there. As I relaxed back into sleep, I had a feeling of being settled.

This morning, however, I awoke feeling sad. Sad that I have to think in terms of weeks for planning and not months. Hubby and I had been hoping to take a motorcycle trip in the summer for 3 weeks. This could still happen but we can't plan it as I, at the very least, will continue to have doctors' appointments and more scans. The worst case scenario would be more aggressive treatments. The melancholy has been hovering over me this morning.

I know that I have a full day ahead of me that will distract me from this emotional rollercoaster. I am meeting a friend for breakfast and a long overdue visit. After that, I intend to clean and then have a visit with my hubby's cousin. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks and I'm looking forward to the visit. I've missed seeing her. Tonight, Hubby and I will probably go out for dinner and then off to the hockey game. This will be a good day and the warm visits will pull me out of this funk that I'm currently in this morning.

I felt it was important to write about my feelings this morning because the truth of living with lymphoma and the distinct possibility of more treatment let alone my mortality is part of this cancer journey. I want people to understand that although I'm "strong" I do have moments of "weakness". This blog helps me to acknowledge and confront my feelings and fears. Once I've done that, I am more able to move forward into a good mental space. Writing in my blog is a bit like a meditative moment. I have these moments when I write but also when I pray. So off I go now for my day and moving forward into a better emotional place. I will wring all the enjoyment out of my day that I can. Carpe diem!