I've had a great week! I enjoyed a wonderful dinner and evening with friends when we went to see Foreigner on Saturday night. I also really enjoyed the show by Chilliwack as the opening act. On Sunday, Hubby and I went for a good long walk in the cold sunshine. There is still some snowy bits in the woods where the sun has not been able to reach it and melt it. It's been too cold for the snow to melt on its own.
I'm going to back up a bit to my January 31 appointment with my oncologist. That was the first time he had mentioned that I may have to have a maintenance program of Rituxan for a period of 2 years. This is a normal procedure for patients with follicular lymphoma. At that appointment in January, my doctor decided to wait before starting the maintenance program. On March 7, when the PET scan came back showing something new in the right side of my abdomen, my doctor was torn whether to start the rituxan maintenance program or wait and see if this spot grows bigger. The rixtuxan may cause it to shrink and then they wouldn't know what it was. Another form of lymphoma? More follicular lymphoma? More serious chemotherapy to treat it? Nothing could be decided about any of that until a biopsy is done. When I saw my oncologist on March 14, he again mentioned that I may have to start the rituxan maintenance program before the end of March. Apparently, our medicare (OHIP) will cover the cost of the rituxan maintenance if it is started within 6 months of my last rituxan chemotherapy. This was done at the end of September. The end of the 6 month window is the end of March. On March 14, he was still undecided about what to do.
On Monday of this week, I received a phone call from my oncologist. He had decided that it would be prudent to start the maintenance program. If we started it after the 6 month window, I would have pay for the injections. That would be $10,000 for each injection. Thank goodness my doctor made the decision to start the maintenance program asap. I had my first injection yesterday morning. It takes 3 hours to have the rituxan intravenously. I will have to go every 3 months for 2 years and this will help to keep the lymphoma in remission longer. Because I started it yesterday, I do not have to pay the price tag of $10,000 each time. That math adds up to $80,000 in the course of the 2 year treatment plan.
Because I had an allergic reaction to my very first rituxan treatment way back in January 2012, I always have to have 2 benadryl pills before the nurses can start the rituxan. One of the side effects of rituxan is flu like symptoms like headaches, joint pain, fever and nausea. So, again before treatment can be started, I also have to take 2 tylenol. Once those pills are downed, I am started on a bag of fluid for hydration and then the ritxan goes in. Yesterday, I was very tired when I returned home in the afternoon. That was a result of the combination of the benadryl and the rituxan.
This morning, I am still tired and unmotivated to do anything. Thank goodness I don't seem to have any nausea although last night I wasn't very hungry for my supper. Even this morning, I forced myself to eat some breakfast although I didn't really feel hungry. Life goes on. This is just a part of my life with lymphoma. I'm hoping to do some light cleaning this morning and then maybe even get outdoors and work in the yard. On Monday afternoon, I was able to start raking up the leaves that I was unable to rake in the Fall. I'm hoping that I can tackle that again this afternoon. It will all depend on how I feel. I know from past experiences with chemo that if I push myself and do too much, then I feel ill.
With Easter coming up this weekend, I have been thinking about the crosses we all have to bear. There is always someone worse off than me. I know that sometimes my "cross" gets a little heavy and that's when I realize that God has given me strength and support through prayers and the love of family and friends. So although we all have our "crosses", this Easter I am going to enjoy my weekend with family. I'm going to enjoy my time with Hubby. Life is good!
Wednesday, 28 March 2018
Saturday, 24 March 2018
Despite Uncertainty, Life is Good!
I have had a great week! This past Sunday, Hubby decided to get me out of the house and take me for a drive along the shores of Lake Ontario. What a gorgeous drive it was! Highway 33 is one of my favourite drives whether it be in the car or on the motorcycle. The sun was shining brightly and made the car feel very warm inside. However, once you stepped outside of the car, the wind still had a cold bite to it.
Monday was another sunny, blue sky kind of day here where I live. I wanted to be outside and was tempted to work on the yard. I am the one who normally rakes up all the leaves in our yard throughout the Fall. Unfortunately, this past Autumn, I was not well enough to work on this chore. So now as the snow is melting away, I see all those leaves on the lawn which will inhibit the new growth of grass. I want to get out there and rake it all up. I am not supposed to work with soil or leaves as my immune system is still compromised and I would inhale the mold and bacteria that would be disturbed. I am still tempted to tackle the leaves and I love to work in my gardens. I'm considering wearing a mask and using my gardening gloves to protect myself. Anyway, on Monday there was still too many patches of snow on the lawn that I could not get out there and do a good job of the raking. I still wanted to be outside so I decided to go for a brisk walk and at the same time find some geocaches. As I stepped outside, I realized that the wind was still bitterly cold. I came back inside the house and grabbed my toque and mitts. Now I was ready for my walk. I was very pleased with the pace that I was able to keep. I reached my destination and found my first geocache of my list of three that I intended to find. As I continued ,my walk, I realized that my right heel was beginning to feel like it was blistered. I need to be careful of cuts and open sores because it would be very easy for me to get infected and my body would have trouble fighting it. I decided to forego my second geocache and walked towards home. My third geocache was closer to home anyway so I could still go get it. As I continued to walk briskly, I could feel the blister getting worse. By the time I reached my subdivision, I realized that it would be foolish to continue to the third geocache. I went home and then checked the heel. Yes, there was a nasty blister and it had broke open. I treated it. Then I spent the rest of the day indoors with no socks on so that my heel could dry up. Today it is looking better but I continue to wear a bandage over it when I have to put on socks or shoes.
The rest of my week was spent visiting with friends. I went for another 45 minute brisk walk with a friend on Wednesday. Yesterday, I went for a 2 hour walk with my cousin-in-law through the woods and along the shore of the local conservation area. We had a terrific visit and the 2 hours went by very quickly. Last night Hubby and I went to our favourite Indian restaurant and then to the local OHL playoff hockey game.
This afternoon, Hubby and I will go visit a local funeral home as we lost a good friend earlier in the week. He and his wife have been so kind and generous to us over the years that we have known them. He will be sadly missed by many people. After our afternoon visit with the family, Hubby and I are meeting up with another couple of friends and going out for a lovely dinner at a local Italian restaurant and then we are going to see Foreigner in concert tonight. I've been looking forward to this concert for a couple of weeks.
I've had a great week but I often wonder about the spot that showed up in the PET scan. I wonder if it is getting bigger. I'm showing no symptoms at all. Any tiredness that I feel this morning is due to all the fun activity that I've been enjoying. I do worry about "the spot" (as I call it) though. There have been a couple of nights when I wake up around 2 a.m. and worry. Normally when this happens, I pray not just for myself but for various friends who are also currently going through their own challenges. I did have one night this week where I was frustrated and angry with God. My questions for Him were "Why are you not answering my prayers and all the other prayers that have been said on my behalf?!" "Why are you letting this lymphoma continue create havoc within me?!" That particular night, I worked myself into an anxious mess emotionally. I realized what I was doing and then relied on The Lord's Prayer to calm me. As calm and peace came over me, I realized that God has answered prayers last Fall. I was told to expect to be in hospital for 4 to 5 weeks. Instead I was there for 2 weeks and 2 days. The lymphoma had disappeared and was not apparent in the CT scan done on January 2. Perhaps prayers are being answered. Perhaps "the spot" is not lymphoma. I then recalled that I saw a medium in October 2016. She had mentioned that I would have a "small blip" with my health and then that would be the end of the major illness. On Monday night, there was a local call-in show on television that dealt with tarot card readings and something called "channeling". The host, who read the tarot cards, had a special guest who did "channeling". An email was sent asking about my cancer journey and the "cloud on the horizon". Both ladies answered that I was going to come out of this turbulence and into calm, healthy waters. Both ladies said that they did not believe "the spot" was cancer. I know that I sound like I'm grasping at straws. I know that I sound desperate to receive good news regarding the lymphoma. Does what the two ladies do and fully believe in work? I don't know. I do know that my faith has been shaken in the past couple of weeks. I found that the ladies on the show on Monday night gave me hope.
I still think I've had a great week. Of course, there is uncertainty. I think it is normal to be concerned. I'm really trying not to let that concern overtake my life. I still believe in not letting cancer take one more day from me than it needs to. I feel great right now so I will take each day and wring as much joy, activity, enjoyment and love from it as I can. I truly am trying to seize each day and live it to the fullest.
Monday was another sunny, blue sky kind of day here where I live. I wanted to be outside and was tempted to work on the yard. I am the one who normally rakes up all the leaves in our yard throughout the Fall. Unfortunately, this past Autumn, I was not well enough to work on this chore. So now as the snow is melting away, I see all those leaves on the lawn which will inhibit the new growth of grass. I want to get out there and rake it all up. I am not supposed to work with soil or leaves as my immune system is still compromised and I would inhale the mold and bacteria that would be disturbed. I am still tempted to tackle the leaves and I love to work in my gardens. I'm considering wearing a mask and using my gardening gloves to protect myself. Anyway, on Monday there was still too many patches of snow on the lawn that I could not get out there and do a good job of the raking. I still wanted to be outside so I decided to go for a brisk walk and at the same time find some geocaches. As I stepped outside, I realized that the wind was still bitterly cold. I came back inside the house and grabbed my toque and mitts. Now I was ready for my walk. I was very pleased with the pace that I was able to keep. I reached my destination and found my first geocache of my list of three that I intended to find. As I continued ,my walk, I realized that my right heel was beginning to feel like it was blistered. I need to be careful of cuts and open sores because it would be very easy for me to get infected and my body would have trouble fighting it. I decided to forego my second geocache and walked towards home. My third geocache was closer to home anyway so I could still go get it. As I continued to walk briskly, I could feel the blister getting worse. By the time I reached my subdivision, I realized that it would be foolish to continue to the third geocache. I went home and then checked the heel. Yes, there was a nasty blister and it had broke open. I treated it. Then I spent the rest of the day indoors with no socks on so that my heel could dry up. Today it is looking better but I continue to wear a bandage over it when I have to put on socks or shoes.
The rest of my week was spent visiting with friends. I went for another 45 minute brisk walk with a friend on Wednesday. Yesterday, I went for a 2 hour walk with my cousin-in-law through the woods and along the shore of the local conservation area. We had a terrific visit and the 2 hours went by very quickly. Last night Hubby and I went to our favourite Indian restaurant and then to the local OHL playoff hockey game.
This afternoon, Hubby and I will go visit a local funeral home as we lost a good friend earlier in the week. He and his wife have been so kind and generous to us over the years that we have known them. He will be sadly missed by many people. After our afternoon visit with the family, Hubby and I are meeting up with another couple of friends and going out for a lovely dinner at a local Italian restaurant and then we are going to see Foreigner in concert tonight. I've been looking forward to this concert for a couple of weeks.
I've had a great week but I often wonder about the spot that showed up in the PET scan. I wonder if it is getting bigger. I'm showing no symptoms at all. Any tiredness that I feel this morning is due to all the fun activity that I've been enjoying. I do worry about "the spot" (as I call it) though. There have been a couple of nights when I wake up around 2 a.m. and worry. Normally when this happens, I pray not just for myself but for various friends who are also currently going through their own challenges. I did have one night this week where I was frustrated and angry with God. My questions for Him were "Why are you not answering my prayers and all the other prayers that have been said on my behalf?!" "Why are you letting this lymphoma continue create havoc within me?!" That particular night, I worked myself into an anxious mess emotionally. I realized what I was doing and then relied on The Lord's Prayer to calm me. As calm and peace came over me, I realized that God has answered prayers last Fall. I was told to expect to be in hospital for 4 to 5 weeks. Instead I was there for 2 weeks and 2 days. The lymphoma had disappeared and was not apparent in the CT scan done on January 2. Perhaps prayers are being answered. Perhaps "the spot" is not lymphoma. I then recalled that I saw a medium in October 2016. She had mentioned that I would have a "small blip" with my health and then that would be the end of the major illness. On Monday night, there was a local call-in show on television that dealt with tarot card readings and something called "channeling". The host, who read the tarot cards, had a special guest who did "channeling". An email was sent asking about my cancer journey and the "cloud on the horizon". Both ladies answered that I was going to come out of this turbulence and into calm, healthy waters. Both ladies said that they did not believe "the spot" was cancer. I know that I sound like I'm grasping at straws. I know that I sound desperate to receive good news regarding the lymphoma. Does what the two ladies do and fully believe in work? I don't know. I do know that my faith has been shaken in the past couple of weeks. I found that the ladies on the show on Monday night gave me hope.
I still think I've had a great week. Of course, there is uncertainty. I think it is normal to be concerned. I'm really trying not to let that concern overtake my life. I still believe in not letting cancer take one more day from me than it needs to. I feel great right now so I will take each day and wring as much joy, activity, enjoyment and love from it as I can. I truly am trying to seize each day and live it to the fullest.
Friday, 16 March 2018
The Emotional Toll of Lymphoma
The majority of the time I continue to enjoy life to the fullest. However, sometimes tears suddenly well up and anxiety grabs hold. I awoke last night around 2 a.m. to find I was weeping in my sleep. As I laid in bed trying to orient myself, I was overcome with melancholy. I realized that this was my subconscious dealing with the uncertainty of the future. Once I recognized that, I snuggled down under my covers and thought of my favourite places. They are Sauble Beach on Lake Huron, the Niagara Escarpment throughout Grey County and of course, Scotland. As I lay in bed, I imagined the sunsets as viewed from the beach at Sauble Beach. I imagined walking through the fields of my grandparents' farm and hearing the birds of my childhood visits there. As I relaxed back into sleep, I had a feeling of being settled.
This morning, however, I awoke feeling sad. Sad that I have to think in terms of weeks for planning and not months. Hubby and I had been hoping to take a motorcycle trip in the summer for 3 weeks. This could still happen but we can't plan it as I, at the very least, will continue to have doctors' appointments and more scans. The worst case scenario would be more aggressive treatments. The melancholy has been hovering over me this morning.
I know that I have a full day ahead of me that will distract me from this emotional rollercoaster. I am meeting a friend for breakfast and a long overdue visit. After that, I intend to clean and then have a visit with my hubby's cousin. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks and I'm looking forward to the visit. I've missed seeing her. Tonight, Hubby and I will probably go out for dinner and then off to the hockey game. This will be a good day and the warm visits will pull me out of this funk that I'm currently in this morning.
I felt it was important to write about my feelings this morning because the truth of living with lymphoma and the distinct possibility of more treatment let alone my mortality is part of this cancer journey. I want people to understand that although I'm "strong" I do have moments of "weakness". This blog helps me to acknowledge and confront my feelings and fears. Once I've done that, I am more able to move forward into a good mental space. Writing in my blog is a bit like a meditative moment. I have these moments when I write but also when I pray. So off I go now for my day and moving forward into a better emotional place. I will wring all the enjoyment out of my day that I can. Carpe diem!
This morning, however, I awoke feeling sad. Sad that I have to think in terms of weeks for planning and not months. Hubby and I had been hoping to take a motorcycle trip in the summer for 3 weeks. This could still happen but we can't plan it as I, at the very least, will continue to have doctors' appointments and more scans. The worst case scenario would be more aggressive treatments. The melancholy has been hovering over me this morning.
I know that I have a full day ahead of me that will distract me from this emotional rollercoaster. I am meeting a friend for breakfast and a long overdue visit. After that, I intend to clean and then have a visit with my hubby's cousin. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks and I'm looking forward to the visit. I've missed seeing her. Tonight, Hubby and I will probably go out for dinner and then off to the hockey game. This will be a good day and the warm visits will pull me out of this funk that I'm currently in this morning.
I felt it was important to write about my feelings this morning because the truth of living with lymphoma and the distinct possibility of more treatment let alone my mortality is part of this cancer journey. I want people to understand that although I'm "strong" I do have moments of "weakness". This blog helps me to acknowledge and confront my feelings and fears. Once I've done that, I am more able to move forward into a good mental space. Writing in my blog is a bit like a meditative moment. I have these moments when I write but also when I pray. So off I go now for my day and moving forward into a better emotional place. I will wring all the enjoyment out of my day that I can. Carpe diem!
Thursday, 15 March 2018
And the Results and Decisions are.....
Yesterday I had my appointment with my oncologist. My file was discussed at length in the doctors' meeting on Monday. The doctors had a good look at both my PET scan taken on February 27 and my CT scan taken on January 2. They compared the scans and they discussed options on what to do.
The suspected lymph node is located on my right side behind my bowel so the option of having a IVR (ultrasound/CT scan guided needle) to get a biopsy poses too many risks of perforating my bowel. I asked my oncologist if the IVR can be done not from the front of the abdomen but from my back. His reply was that the bowel curls around the lymph node and doesn't allow clear access so again, the risk is high that my bowel could be perforated accidentally. The doctors discussed the option of getting a piece of the lymph node or removing the lymph node completely through surgery. At the moment, the lymph node is too small for the surgeon to confidently see and feel it in order to remove it.
So we are left with the option of watching and waiting. I will have another CT scan within 6 weeks and I have a followup appointment with my oncologist in 7 weeks.
I have no symptoms that I can tell. I feel really good. My energy levels are good. These are all good signs. If the PET scan hadn't been done on me, I would have no idea that there is anything of concern. I'm thankful that my oncologist is very diligent and will follow me closely now.
After the appointment yesterday afternoon, Hubby and I went out for dinner at our favourite Vietnamese place and then we went to the Kingston Frontenacs hockey game. I absolutely intend to live life fully until symptoms or treatments make me unable to do so.
I have already visited a friend in hospital and while there saw another friend who I haven't seen since the Fall. I'm meeting with friends this afternoon to make music with. I'm off to another hockey game tomorrow night and will probably enjoy a dinner with my hubby before the game. Hubby and I will spend Saturday with friends and enjoy our annual prime rib dinner with all the fixings including yorkshire pudding. I'm so spoiled that Hubby will be making the dinner. Seize the day!
The suspected lymph node is located on my right side behind my bowel so the option of having a IVR (ultrasound/CT scan guided needle) to get a biopsy poses too many risks of perforating my bowel. I asked my oncologist if the IVR can be done not from the front of the abdomen but from my back. His reply was that the bowel curls around the lymph node and doesn't allow clear access so again, the risk is high that my bowel could be perforated accidentally. The doctors discussed the option of getting a piece of the lymph node or removing the lymph node completely through surgery. At the moment, the lymph node is too small for the surgeon to confidently see and feel it in order to remove it.
So we are left with the option of watching and waiting. I will have another CT scan within 6 weeks and I have a followup appointment with my oncologist in 7 weeks.
I have no symptoms that I can tell. I feel really good. My energy levels are good. These are all good signs. If the PET scan hadn't been done on me, I would have no idea that there is anything of concern. I'm thankful that my oncologist is very diligent and will follow me closely now.
After the appointment yesterday afternoon, Hubby and I went out for dinner at our favourite Vietnamese place and then we went to the Kingston Frontenacs hockey game. I absolutely intend to live life fully until symptoms or treatments make me unable to do so.
I have already visited a friend in hospital and while there saw another friend who I haven't seen since the Fall. I'm meeting with friends this afternoon to make music with. I'm off to another hockey game tomorrow night and will probably enjoy a dinner with my hubby before the game. Hubby and I will spend Saturday with friends and enjoy our annual prime rib dinner with all the fixings including yorkshire pudding. I'm so spoiled that Hubby will be making the dinner. Seize the day!
Monday, 12 March 2018
The Emotional Rollercoaster of Lymphoma
In my last post, I was dealing with heightened anxiety as I awaited the results of my PET scan. On Wednesday, March 7, I saw my oncologist to get the results. The whole point of going for the PET scan was to check the 2 slightly enlarged lymph nodes in the left side of my abdomen. The PET scan showed that this was not due to cancerous tissue but it was in fact scar tissue. That was good news. Then came the concerning part of the appointment. Something new showed up in the PET scan. The PET scan lit up something that is 1.7 cm big and is on my right side. All my lymphoma in the past has always been on the left side. My doctor is not sure of what it is. It may be cancer or it may not. A biopsy is going to have to be done but it may be too small to get a biopsy at this point.
Hubby asked the doctor directly if this is cancer. His reply is he didn't know. In my doctor's words, "The primary suspect would be lymphoma, but we won't know until we get a biopsy." This new spot is not attached or near any organs. It is my understanding that it is located in a soft, floppy area and can jiggle around that area. To get a biopsy, I will have to undergo an IVR which I did in July 2017. That is a procedure where a radiologist uses ultrasound and CT scan technologies to guide a needle to the spot, stab the spot and withdraw cells to test/biopsy. My doctor seemed to think that at this point it would be like using a toothpick to stab one single olive in a jar of liquid. My doctor needs to confer with other doctors and the radiologist to determine if it is possible at this point to get a biopsy.
I haven't blogged about this because I've been in the process of contacting family to give them the update. I would feel absolutely terrible if family found out through the blog. After the appointment on Wednesday, Hubby and I were in shock. I have no symptoms. My energy levels have been increasing. I've been gaining weight. I feel for Hubby because he has to continue going to work and try to get to a place of acceptance while he continues to capably do his job. I am fortunate that I am at home.
On Thursday, I went into an emotionally deep hole. I was very sad. I was very discouraged. I wallowed in self pity which is not like me to do. I was looking ahead to the "what ifs". By Thursday night, I had got to a logical place of acceptance and waiting for results. This could or could not be lymphoma. The truth is we don't know. My file has been put on the agenda for a conference which takes place every Monday between the hematologists, medical oncologists and radiologists at the Cancer Centre. They will look at the facts and determine if we go for a biopsy or take a "wait and watch" approach. That would mean waiting and watching this grow until it is big enough to get a biopsy. My doctor did warn me that sometimes there are too many patient files to discuss and when they run out of time, the files that haven't been discussed are discussed the following Monday. On Wednesday, he told us that if my file is "postponed", he will try to search out and meet with the pertinent doctors individually to get their opinions. I'm scheduled to have an appointment this Wednesday to meet my doctor and find out the course of action. If he hasn't been able to meet with the doctors needed by that time, my appointment with him will be rescheduled for next Wednesday.
In the meantime, I refuse to waste another day having a "pity party". I've had a great weekend visiting with friends and my son has come home for a brief visit. I had a wonderful walk with Hubby yesterday and enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine. I have a terrific circle of friends and family that are my safety net. I know that I can call certain people at any time of day if I need to talk. Hubby continues to be my rock even as he continues to have is own journey to deal with all this.
It bears repeating that life is short and I want to wring out every bit of enjoyment from each and every day. So no more wallowing in sadness, self pity and anger. I will deal with any upcoming information and action plans when they happen. In the meantime, carpe diem. Seize the day!!
Hubby asked the doctor directly if this is cancer. His reply is he didn't know. In my doctor's words, "The primary suspect would be lymphoma, but we won't know until we get a biopsy." This new spot is not attached or near any organs. It is my understanding that it is located in a soft, floppy area and can jiggle around that area. To get a biopsy, I will have to undergo an IVR which I did in July 2017. That is a procedure where a radiologist uses ultrasound and CT scan technologies to guide a needle to the spot, stab the spot and withdraw cells to test/biopsy. My doctor seemed to think that at this point it would be like using a toothpick to stab one single olive in a jar of liquid. My doctor needs to confer with other doctors and the radiologist to determine if it is possible at this point to get a biopsy.
I haven't blogged about this because I've been in the process of contacting family to give them the update. I would feel absolutely terrible if family found out through the blog. After the appointment on Wednesday, Hubby and I were in shock. I have no symptoms. My energy levels have been increasing. I've been gaining weight. I feel for Hubby because he has to continue going to work and try to get to a place of acceptance while he continues to capably do his job. I am fortunate that I am at home.
On Thursday, I went into an emotionally deep hole. I was very sad. I was very discouraged. I wallowed in self pity which is not like me to do. I was looking ahead to the "what ifs". By Thursday night, I had got to a logical place of acceptance and waiting for results. This could or could not be lymphoma. The truth is we don't know. My file has been put on the agenda for a conference which takes place every Monday between the hematologists, medical oncologists and radiologists at the Cancer Centre. They will look at the facts and determine if we go for a biopsy or take a "wait and watch" approach. That would mean waiting and watching this grow until it is big enough to get a biopsy. My doctor did warn me that sometimes there are too many patient files to discuss and when they run out of time, the files that haven't been discussed are discussed the following Monday. On Wednesday, he told us that if my file is "postponed", he will try to search out and meet with the pertinent doctors individually to get their opinions. I'm scheduled to have an appointment this Wednesday to meet my doctor and find out the course of action. If he hasn't been able to meet with the doctors needed by that time, my appointment with him will be rescheduled for next Wednesday.
In the meantime, I refuse to waste another day having a "pity party". I've had a great weekend visiting with friends and my son has come home for a brief visit. I had a wonderful walk with Hubby yesterday and enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine. I have a terrific circle of friends and family that are my safety net. I know that I can call certain people at any time of day if I need to talk. Hubby continues to be my rock even as he continues to have is own journey to deal with all this.
It bears repeating that life is short and I want to wring out every bit of enjoyment from each and every day. So no more wallowing in sadness, self pity and anger. I will deal with any upcoming information and action plans when they happen. In the meantime, carpe diem. Seize the day!!
Monday, 5 March 2018
Coping Strategies to Living with Lymphoma
I know I have blogged about coping strategies in the past but it is always good to remind myself how to cope. In the last several months, Hubby and I have been asked by various people, "How do you manage to be so positive?" For me, there are two answers to this question. First and foremost is my strong and committed belief in God and the guidance and help of the Holy Spirit that lives within me. The other answer to this question is I use my coping skills and strategies to keep me grounded and sane. When I do this, it allows me to live each day to the fullest of my physical ability.
As I have gone through the chemotherapy in the past, there are days where I'm just not feeling well enough to "do" anything. In the midst of chemo, as I struggled with side effects, it was all I could do to just breathe and take one breath at a time. It was in these harshest moments that I would rely on my God and my faith to get me through. I would envision Christ cradling me in comfort and carrying me in big hands that enfolded me and comforted me. I would also use the mantra "One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time."
Prayer, meditation and quiet moments are necessary to face and acknowledge the seriousness of my illness. That the lymphoma may always be with me. Part of living with lymphoma is the constant tests and appointments with my oncologist that are needed to determine if the disease is truly in remission and "gone" or is it still in my abdominal lymph nodes. The waiting for tests and then the results is very difficult to endure. These are the times that I become anxious and restless due to the anxiety. I acknowledge those anxieties and then I have to find the strategy that works best for me in dealing with it. One of those strategies is keeping busy and living each day to the best of my ability. I don't want to become debilitated by the worry which is understandably easy to do. So I plan visits with friends and family. I go for walks with Hubby or friends. I read to keep my mind occupied and also to escape the worry. Hubby and I plan activities to keep ourselves distracted. We're not running away from our worries. We're not ignoring them. But we are living with the worry and deciding to distract ourselves and give ourselves a break from it.
I must admit that I also use my blog to help cope. By writing down what I'm feeling and how I cope with it, the feelings and the lymphoma have less of a strangle hold on me. I also find it comforting and helpful to have my cat, Frodo, sit on my lap while I just quietly stroke him. There is something very soothing about the slow rhythmic strokes that works to calm me.
I mentioned reading is an escape for me but so is watching movies or television programs. As I get stronger and if I feel restless, then I go for brisk walks or I vacuum and clean my home. The physical activity helps to work off my restless stress.
Knitting is another one of my coping strategies. When in treatments or recovering from treatment and I have not been strong enough to go for walks, then the knitting helps relieve my restlessness. The act of knitting and purling is very comforting to me just like petting the cat. I assume it is because knitting is also very rhythmic. Knitting and following a pattern is also good for my mind because while following a pattern, my mind is occupied and I can't dwell on the anxiety and worry of my situation.
Another reason I decided to blog about coping strategies today is I needed a reminder of what is in my "strategy tool box". I had my PET scan last week and on Wednesday, I will get the results of that. Hubby and I have spent the weekend attending the Kingston Canadian Film Festival. In 3 days, we attended 11 films together. This helped us to escape from the worry of the upcoming results. It tired us out physically as we walked briskly from one venue to the next to pick up tickets and/or get to the next film on time. Attending the film festival helped us to forget about our worries for the weekend.
This morning I am physically tired so I have to listen to my body and rest. Unfortunately, this is also when the "what ifs" and worries about the upcoming results of the PET scan like to make themselves known. So for today, I am reviewing my coping strategies. I am using these various strategies to get me through until Wednesday when I will get the results of the PET scan. So for the rest of the day, I will vacuum, clean, read and hopefully go for a brisk walk to clear my mind and work off any residual restlessness. However, after stating all this, I still have to listen to my body and probably adjust the activities I do today. So if the physical activity is too much, then I will read to escape the worry. Escapism is not running from my problems but another way to cope and give myself a break from the anxiety that I have already acknowledged. I absolutely refuse to let this disease (and all the fears that go with it) suck the life out of me. I will enjoy each day to the fullest of my physical ability. Carpe Diem!!
As I have gone through the chemotherapy in the past, there are days where I'm just not feeling well enough to "do" anything. In the midst of chemo, as I struggled with side effects, it was all I could do to just breathe and take one breath at a time. It was in these harshest moments that I would rely on my God and my faith to get me through. I would envision Christ cradling me in comfort and carrying me in big hands that enfolded me and comforted me. I would also use the mantra "One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time."
Prayer, meditation and quiet moments are necessary to face and acknowledge the seriousness of my illness. That the lymphoma may always be with me. Part of living with lymphoma is the constant tests and appointments with my oncologist that are needed to determine if the disease is truly in remission and "gone" or is it still in my abdominal lymph nodes. The waiting for tests and then the results is very difficult to endure. These are the times that I become anxious and restless due to the anxiety. I acknowledge those anxieties and then I have to find the strategy that works best for me in dealing with it. One of those strategies is keeping busy and living each day to the best of my ability. I don't want to become debilitated by the worry which is understandably easy to do. So I plan visits with friends and family. I go for walks with Hubby or friends. I read to keep my mind occupied and also to escape the worry. Hubby and I plan activities to keep ourselves distracted. We're not running away from our worries. We're not ignoring them. But we are living with the worry and deciding to distract ourselves and give ourselves a break from it.
I must admit that I also use my blog to help cope. By writing down what I'm feeling and how I cope with it, the feelings and the lymphoma have less of a strangle hold on me. I also find it comforting and helpful to have my cat, Frodo, sit on my lap while I just quietly stroke him. There is something very soothing about the slow rhythmic strokes that works to calm me.
I mentioned reading is an escape for me but so is watching movies or television programs. As I get stronger and if I feel restless, then I go for brisk walks or I vacuum and clean my home. The physical activity helps to work off my restless stress.
Knitting is another one of my coping strategies. When in treatments or recovering from treatment and I have not been strong enough to go for walks, then the knitting helps relieve my restlessness. The act of knitting and purling is very comforting to me just like petting the cat. I assume it is because knitting is also very rhythmic. Knitting and following a pattern is also good for my mind because while following a pattern, my mind is occupied and I can't dwell on the anxiety and worry of my situation.
Another reason I decided to blog about coping strategies today is I needed a reminder of what is in my "strategy tool box". I had my PET scan last week and on Wednesday, I will get the results of that. Hubby and I have spent the weekend attending the Kingston Canadian Film Festival. In 3 days, we attended 11 films together. This helped us to escape from the worry of the upcoming results. It tired us out physically as we walked briskly from one venue to the next to pick up tickets and/or get to the next film on time. Attending the film festival helped us to forget about our worries for the weekend.
This morning I am physically tired so I have to listen to my body and rest. Unfortunately, this is also when the "what ifs" and worries about the upcoming results of the PET scan like to make themselves known. So for today, I am reviewing my coping strategies. I am using these various strategies to get me through until Wednesday when I will get the results of the PET scan. So for the rest of the day, I will vacuum, clean, read and hopefully go for a brisk walk to clear my mind and work off any residual restlessness. However, after stating all this, I still have to listen to my body and probably adjust the activities I do today. So if the physical activity is too much, then I will read to escape the worry. Escapism is not running from my problems but another way to cope and give myself a break from the anxiety that I have already acknowledged. I absolutely refuse to let this disease (and all the fears that go with it) suck the life out of me. I will enjoy each day to the fullest of my physical ability. Carpe Diem!!
Wednesday, 28 February 2018
Family, Travel and "Clouds" on the Horizon
I haven't posted in a couple of weeks because I've been away and seizing each day with both hands. My hubby's uncle was celebrating a milestone birthday in Scotland. Back at the beginning of January, Hubby and I made the decision to go and help him celebrate. The last time we visited family in Scotland was in 2014. It was time to go while I'm having some good health. I continue to have to adjust my energy expectations daily so we planned on visiting Scotland for 1 week only this time. Although we rented a car to get us from Glasgow airport to the Edinburgh area, it was important that this visit was for visiting family that we don't see often enough and less important to do the touristic exploring. So in our planning, our flight left Toronto on February 14 and flew into Glasgow on February 15 (an overnight flight). We rented an apartment near hubby's uncle and aunt and then booked our flight home for February 22.
As I mentioned, all this was planned at the beginning of January. I had my check up with my oncologist on January 31 where all went well. As I posted previously, he was very pleased with my progress. What I didn't share at that time, was that my oncologist called me the day after my check up and wanted me to go for a PET scan to confirm that what looked like a couple of enlarged lymph nodes in my abdomen are just lymph nodes with scar tissue from the chemo and treatments that I had in the fall. These 2 enlarged lymph nodes showed up in my CT scan taken on January 2. The CT scan can not show the cellular components of the lymph nodes but apparently the PET scan does. When my oncologist called me on February 1, he did say the PET scan being scheduled was non-urgent and just for follow up. I received the phone call from the Ottawa Hospital booking me for my PET scan on February 13. This was the day before we left for Scotland. The Ottawa Hospital wanted me to come in for my PET scan on February 21. I told them I could not do this as I would still be in Scotland. They then booked my PET scan for February 27 (yesterday). I must say that although my oncologist said this was non-urgent and only a follow up, I still was anxious about the test. What would they find? Is the lymphoma still within me? I have no symptoms that I feel. I'm able to gain weight. So maybe the enlarged lymph nodes are just lymph nodes with scar tissue.
With the PET scan booked, Hubby and I decided to go on our visit to Scotland and enjoy each moment fully. However, the upcoming PET scan appointment was like a distant cloud on the horizon. Hubby and I planned rest days that I may or may not need. I did take longer to recover from jet lag than normal. In the past, my body has adjusted to the new time zone (5 hours ahead of our normal time zone) within 2 days. This visit it took me 4 days to recover. When we arrived on February 15, we went to our uncle and aunt's home, where we enjoyed reconnecting, picking up groceries for our apartment and visiting over dinner. February 16 was a rest day which was spent with our uncle and aunt. February 17 was the birthday luncheon and was very enjoyable. I was so happy to be able to attend and help Uncle celebrate. Hubby and I saw people that we hadn't seen since 1991! It was a very enjoyable day.
Each day of our trip, we enjoyed having lunch and dinner with our uncle and aunt. On February 18, Hubby and I decided to look for some geocaches in the morning before walking over to Uncle's place. It was a beautiful sunny day although the breeze off the Firth of Forth was cold on my head due to my thin hair. I must say that I am going without head coverings now and I am comfortable with that. However, with the cold breeze off the water, I did have my toque which I was wearing to keep my head warm when needed. To continue, Hubby and I spent many minutes trying to find the geocache called "St. David's Harbour". We finally gave up on that one and went on to the next geocache on our way to Uncle's home. We found it and then made the walk up the steep hill to his house. I was unable to make the climb all in one shot and made Hubby stop half way up the street so I could catch my breath and rest. We continued our climb after a brief rest and I managed to breath normally by the time we reached Uncle and Aunt's home. I did not want to worry them with having me arrive on their doorstep heaving with each breath. I truly love my hubby's uncle and aunt and it was a delightful and warm visit every day we saw them.
On Monday, February 19, Hubby and I took the train into Edinburgh for the day. We always do this when we visit Scotland and we always treat ourselves to a pub lunch while we are there. Our plan was to do some geocaching while in Edinburgh, do some shopping and pick up souvenirs for friends at home as well as have our pub lunch. We also always walk The Royal Mile and visit our favourite whisky store. We spent our morning in Edinburgh searching out the geocaches that we had planned to find. I can say we were 100% successful in finding them. We also visited the Scottish National Art Gallery and thoroughly enjoyed the art. I was feeling tired after that tour, so we stopped in at the Rose Street Brewery for our pub lunch. That last time we were there was in 1991 when we visited on our honeymoon. Hubby did not remember being there but I did. It was confirmed once we came back to Canada and I found my travel diary from 1991. Anyway, I enjoyed my haggis, neeps and tatties along with a lager (Tennants) shandy. Hubby and I enjoyed our lunch as we had a window seat overlooking Rose Street and we could people watch. This also gave me a chance to rest. Once we were finished our lunch, we decided to make our way to the top of The Royal Mile at Edinburgh Castle. To get there, you have climb a steep set of steps in an alley that leads you to The Royal Mile. Again, I had to stop part way up as I started to feel unwell and needed to catch my breath and rest. We've been through the Castle a few times before so we did not go into the castle but enjoyed the views of Edinburgh from the parade square outside the castle. After taking our pictures, we started the walk along The Royal Mile. We stopped in at one of the many Woolen stores where I bought a scarf for a friend and also one for Hubby that was his hunting tartan rather than the dress tartan. We continued our walk along The Royal Mile and visited The Royal Whiskies store where we each bought a bottle of scotch to enjoy back in Canada. While in the whisky store, I started to feel unwell. The steps leading to The Royal Mile had taken their toll. I had to listen to my body and after our purchases, we had to return to the train and head back to our apartment. I was very disappointed to not make it down and then back up The Royal Mile. It is an original cobblestone street that runs from Edinburgh Castle down the hill to Holyrood Castle which is where Queen Elizabeth still stays when she visits Edinburgh. Oh well....I guess we've done the trek before and I just was not well enough to do it this time. It was disappointing that we had to leave Edinburgh in the late afternoon because we had hoped to catch a concert that we saw was going to take place that evening. We spent a quiet evening in our apartment and I was in bed early that night.
I awoke on Tuesday, February 20 feeling refreshed and healthy. Hubby and I went out to do some geocaching and enjoy a hike along part of the Fife Coastal Path. We walked west to Inverkeithing to find geocaches. We found all the ones on our list except for one. We were also going to take another trail leading off the Fife Coast Path to look for a series of geocaches but the trail was too wet and muddy. It was a steep climb up the rocky hill and we started up the trail but quickly decided it was too slippery and dangerous to follow at this time of year. Next time we are visiting in dry weather (summer), we will attempt that series of caches. We returned to the Fife Coastal Trail and headed east this time. On this morning of geocaching, we finally found the elusive "St. David's Harbour". This was the cache we had tried to find on an earlier day. Hubby and I continued east along the Fife Coastal Path and went for our final geocache of the trip. This was located in place that we had visited with our children in 2005. It involves a steep climb up a rocky hill. Hubby had to lend me a hand to get up there. The views are fantastic but so is the history. The steep, rocky path leads to a World War 2 gun mount (battlement) that was part of a series of mounts that was used to protect the Firth of Forth from German invasion as further in on the Firth of Forth is the Rosyth Boatyards that to this day continues to build and repair ships. In fact, on our train trip into Edinburgh we were able to see an aircraft carrier at the Rosyth Shipyards. I found the geocache at the battlement site and then Hubby and I continued our hike along the top of the rocks to a point where there was an old naval navigational post. Again, we had made this trek with our children in 2005. This time, the tide was out but in 2005 the tide had been in and our daughter had been communicating with a seal out in the water. Memories are such a wonderful thing! After taking many pictures of the stunning views, Huby and I continued back the way we had hiked and rejoined the Fife Coastal Path briefly before leaving it and making our way to Uncle's home where we enjoyed lunch, visiting and some supper. When we left to walk back to our apartment, the night view of the Forth Rail Bridge fully lit was spectacular. The tide was in and I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the water lap just below us as we walked along the path to our apartment. The sky was so clear that the stars were very visible. The night was warm and Hubby and I enjoyed a leisurely walk to our apartment.
On our last full day in Scotland, Hubby and I decided to head back into Edinburgh for the morning. Because I had not been well and we cut short our visit to Edinburgh, we were not able to finish all our souvenir shopping. So we took the train back in and did our shopping at the Waverley Centre. After finishing our shopping, we headed to Rose Street again to enjoy a small pub lunch. This time we went to Milnes Bar. I again had a shandy with my haggis pie. This was like a shepherds pie but was layered with the haggis, then neeps (mashed turnip) and tatties (mashed potatoes). It came with a whisky sauce (gravy) which was very good as well. We then returned to Waverley Station and took the train back. There had not been enough parking at the station, so we had to park further away and walk from the train station to our car. It was a warm sunny day and the fresh air felt good. We returned to our apartment and then walked to Uncle's home to visit and enjoy our last evening with them. After our Chinese dinner with Uncle and Aunt, we had a short time to visit but then it was time to walk back to the apartment. We needed to get up very early the next morning to drive to Glasgow and catch our flight home. This was a very tearful and emotional good bye (or "until next time") because of our ages and also health challenges. You never know......
Our flight home was good but very long. It was an 8 hour flight. I love Scotland and I always have said that if I was extremely wealthy, I would have a second home there. The visit was great but I have to admit that within me, there was a constant cloud of worry about the upcoming PET scan. The flight home just brought it more to the forefront of my thoughts. I am often able to shove the fear and anxiety away but it has been harder these last couple of weeks. It has taken my body 4 days to recover from the jet lag which means that Monday was my first day of feeling comfortable in this time zone. To help us adjust to the time zone, Hubby and I went to a hockey game on Friday night so that we would be forced to stay up longer. We also had friends celebrating milestone birthdays on Saturday night and we had been invited to attend their birthday celebrations. We had not fully committed to attending until Saturday morning. Hubby and I decided that we would make a short appearance because we wanted to see our friends and help them celebrate. It would also help us to continue to adjust to the time zone. We left the party early but our friends understood.
Yesterday (Tuesday) was my PET scan appointment at The Ottawa Hospital. I had to fast 6 hours in advance. My appointment was at 1:10 p.m. which meant no breakfast or lunch. I was very hungry and very anxious. In the back of my mind throughout the Scotland trip and since we've been home is the worrisome "what ifs". Much as I try to shove them aside and not worry, it is always there. Hubby and I went up to Ottawa. I was finished by 3:30 p.m. and then we went to see our daughter. She knew we were coming and had made reservations for dinner at a place that had live jazz starting at 7 p.m. Our reservation was for 6 p.m. Daughter was lovely and fixed me a sandwich at her apartment when we arrived there at 4 p.m. This helped me get through until our dinner reservation at 6 p.m. She did let me know that the live jazz was being performed by a gentleman that I have known since elementary school. When he arrived to set up, he recognized us and came by for a very brief hello as he had to get ready to perform. Unfortunately, we had to leave after our meal before he had a break as we still had a 2 hour drive home. I did manage to catch him between songs and say goodbye. It was great to see him again and to enjoy the music he makes.
Again, it was an emotional good bye to our daughter but I can say that we all seized the moments and enjoyed our visit. So as much as I am worried and now have to await the results from the PET scan, I continue to see the importance of seizing each and every moment, wringing the joy and warmth from those moments and making lasting memories. There continues to be a cloud of worry and I recognize that will be with me until my appointment next week with my oncologist where I will know about the results of the PET scan. I have no regrets about going to Scotland. Family is so important and the warmth of memories made get us through these worrisome times.
As I mentioned, all this was planned at the beginning of January. I had my check up with my oncologist on January 31 where all went well. As I posted previously, he was very pleased with my progress. What I didn't share at that time, was that my oncologist called me the day after my check up and wanted me to go for a PET scan to confirm that what looked like a couple of enlarged lymph nodes in my abdomen are just lymph nodes with scar tissue from the chemo and treatments that I had in the fall. These 2 enlarged lymph nodes showed up in my CT scan taken on January 2. The CT scan can not show the cellular components of the lymph nodes but apparently the PET scan does. When my oncologist called me on February 1, he did say the PET scan being scheduled was non-urgent and just for follow up. I received the phone call from the Ottawa Hospital booking me for my PET scan on February 13. This was the day before we left for Scotland. The Ottawa Hospital wanted me to come in for my PET scan on February 21. I told them I could not do this as I would still be in Scotland. They then booked my PET scan for February 27 (yesterday). I must say that although my oncologist said this was non-urgent and only a follow up, I still was anxious about the test. What would they find? Is the lymphoma still within me? I have no symptoms that I feel. I'm able to gain weight. So maybe the enlarged lymph nodes are just lymph nodes with scar tissue.
With the PET scan booked, Hubby and I decided to go on our visit to Scotland and enjoy each moment fully. However, the upcoming PET scan appointment was like a distant cloud on the horizon. Hubby and I planned rest days that I may or may not need. I did take longer to recover from jet lag than normal. In the past, my body has adjusted to the new time zone (5 hours ahead of our normal time zone) within 2 days. This visit it took me 4 days to recover. When we arrived on February 15, we went to our uncle and aunt's home, where we enjoyed reconnecting, picking up groceries for our apartment and visiting over dinner. February 16 was a rest day which was spent with our uncle and aunt. February 17 was the birthday luncheon and was very enjoyable. I was so happy to be able to attend and help Uncle celebrate. Hubby and I saw people that we hadn't seen since 1991! It was a very enjoyable day.
Each day of our trip, we enjoyed having lunch and dinner with our uncle and aunt. On February 18, Hubby and I decided to look for some geocaches in the morning before walking over to Uncle's place. It was a beautiful sunny day although the breeze off the Firth of Forth was cold on my head due to my thin hair. I must say that I am going without head coverings now and I am comfortable with that. However, with the cold breeze off the water, I did have my toque which I was wearing to keep my head warm when needed. To continue, Hubby and I spent many minutes trying to find the geocache called "St. David's Harbour". We finally gave up on that one and went on to the next geocache on our way to Uncle's home. We found it and then made the walk up the steep hill to his house. I was unable to make the climb all in one shot and made Hubby stop half way up the street so I could catch my breath and rest. We continued our climb after a brief rest and I managed to breath normally by the time we reached Uncle and Aunt's home. I did not want to worry them with having me arrive on their doorstep heaving with each breath. I truly love my hubby's uncle and aunt and it was a delightful and warm visit every day we saw them.
On Monday, February 19, Hubby and I took the train into Edinburgh for the day. We always do this when we visit Scotland and we always treat ourselves to a pub lunch while we are there. Our plan was to do some geocaching while in Edinburgh, do some shopping and pick up souvenirs for friends at home as well as have our pub lunch. We also always walk The Royal Mile and visit our favourite whisky store. We spent our morning in Edinburgh searching out the geocaches that we had planned to find. I can say we were 100% successful in finding them. We also visited the Scottish National Art Gallery and thoroughly enjoyed the art. I was feeling tired after that tour, so we stopped in at the Rose Street Brewery for our pub lunch. That last time we were there was in 1991 when we visited on our honeymoon. Hubby did not remember being there but I did. It was confirmed once we came back to Canada and I found my travel diary from 1991. Anyway, I enjoyed my haggis, neeps and tatties along with a lager (Tennants) shandy. Hubby and I enjoyed our lunch as we had a window seat overlooking Rose Street and we could people watch. This also gave me a chance to rest. Once we were finished our lunch, we decided to make our way to the top of The Royal Mile at Edinburgh Castle. To get there, you have climb a steep set of steps in an alley that leads you to The Royal Mile. Again, I had to stop part way up as I started to feel unwell and needed to catch my breath and rest. We've been through the Castle a few times before so we did not go into the castle but enjoyed the views of Edinburgh from the parade square outside the castle. After taking our pictures, we started the walk along The Royal Mile. We stopped in at one of the many Woolen stores where I bought a scarf for a friend and also one for Hubby that was his hunting tartan rather than the dress tartan. We continued our walk along The Royal Mile and visited The Royal Whiskies store where we each bought a bottle of scotch to enjoy back in Canada. While in the whisky store, I started to feel unwell. The steps leading to The Royal Mile had taken their toll. I had to listen to my body and after our purchases, we had to return to the train and head back to our apartment. I was very disappointed to not make it down and then back up The Royal Mile. It is an original cobblestone street that runs from Edinburgh Castle down the hill to Holyrood Castle which is where Queen Elizabeth still stays when she visits Edinburgh. Oh well....I guess we've done the trek before and I just was not well enough to do it this time. It was disappointing that we had to leave Edinburgh in the late afternoon because we had hoped to catch a concert that we saw was going to take place that evening. We spent a quiet evening in our apartment and I was in bed early that night.
I awoke on Tuesday, February 20 feeling refreshed and healthy. Hubby and I went out to do some geocaching and enjoy a hike along part of the Fife Coastal Path. We walked west to Inverkeithing to find geocaches. We found all the ones on our list except for one. We were also going to take another trail leading off the Fife Coast Path to look for a series of geocaches but the trail was too wet and muddy. It was a steep climb up the rocky hill and we started up the trail but quickly decided it was too slippery and dangerous to follow at this time of year. Next time we are visiting in dry weather (summer), we will attempt that series of caches. We returned to the Fife Coastal Trail and headed east this time. On this morning of geocaching, we finally found the elusive "St. David's Harbour". This was the cache we had tried to find on an earlier day. Hubby and I continued east along the Fife Coastal Path and went for our final geocache of the trip. This was located in place that we had visited with our children in 2005. It involves a steep climb up a rocky hill. Hubby had to lend me a hand to get up there. The views are fantastic but so is the history. The steep, rocky path leads to a World War 2 gun mount (battlement) that was part of a series of mounts that was used to protect the Firth of Forth from German invasion as further in on the Firth of Forth is the Rosyth Boatyards that to this day continues to build and repair ships. In fact, on our train trip into Edinburgh we were able to see an aircraft carrier at the Rosyth Shipyards. I found the geocache at the battlement site and then Hubby and I continued our hike along the top of the rocks to a point where there was an old naval navigational post. Again, we had made this trek with our children in 2005. This time, the tide was out but in 2005 the tide had been in and our daughter had been communicating with a seal out in the water. Memories are such a wonderful thing! After taking many pictures of the stunning views, Huby and I continued back the way we had hiked and rejoined the Fife Coastal Path briefly before leaving it and making our way to Uncle's home where we enjoyed lunch, visiting and some supper. When we left to walk back to our apartment, the night view of the Forth Rail Bridge fully lit was spectacular. The tide was in and I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the water lap just below us as we walked along the path to our apartment. The sky was so clear that the stars were very visible. The night was warm and Hubby and I enjoyed a leisurely walk to our apartment.
On our last full day in Scotland, Hubby and I decided to head back into Edinburgh for the morning. Because I had not been well and we cut short our visit to Edinburgh, we were not able to finish all our souvenir shopping. So we took the train back in and did our shopping at the Waverley Centre. After finishing our shopping, we headed to Rose Street again to enjoy a small pub lunch. This time we went to Milnes Bar. I again had a shandy with my haggis pie. This was like a shepherds pie but was layered with the haggis, then neeps (mashed turnip) and tatties (mashed potatoes). It came with a whisky sauce (gravy) which was very good as well. We then returned to Waverley Station and took the train back. There had not been enough parking at the station, so we had to park further away and walk from the train station to our car. It was a warm sunny day and the fresh air felt good. We returned to our apartment and then walked to Uncle's home to visit and enjoy our last evening with them. After our Chinese dinner with Uncle and Aunt, we had a short time to visit but then it was time to walk back to the apartment. We needed to get up very early the next morning to drive to Glasgow and catch our flight home. This was a very tearful and emotional good bye (or "until next time") because of our ages and also health challenges. You never know......
Our flight home was good but very long. It was an 8 hour flight. I love Scotland and I always have said that if I was extremely wealthy, I would have a second home there. The visit was great but I have to admit that within me, there was a constant cloud of worry about the upcoming PET scan. The flight home just brought it more to the forefront of my thoughts. I am often able to shove the fear and anxiety away but it has been harder these last couple of weeks. It has taken my body 4 days to recover from the jet lag which means that Monday was my first day of feeling comfortable in this time zone. To help us adjust to the time zone, Hubby and I went to a hockey game on Friday night so that we would be forced to stay up longer. We also had friends celebrating milestone birthdays on Saturday night and we had been invited to attend their birthday celebrations. We had not fully committed to attending until Saturday morning. Hubby and I decided that we would make a short appearance because we wanted to see our friends and help them celebrate. It would also help us to continue to adjust to the time zone. We left the party early but our friends understood.
Yesterday (Tuesday) was my PET scan appointment at The Ottawa Hospital. I had to fast 6 hours in advance. My appointment was at 1:10 p.m. which meant no breakfast or lunch. I was very hungry and very anxious. In the back of my mind throughout the Scotland trip and since we've been home is the worrisome "what ifs". Much as I try to shove them aside and not worry, it is always there. Hubby and I went up to Ottawa. I was finished by 3:30 p.m. and then we went to see our daughter. She knew we were coming and had made reservations for dinner at a place that had live jazz starting at 7 p.m. Our reservation was for 6 p.m. Daughter was lovely and fixed me a sandwich at her apartment when we arrived there at 4 p.m. This helped me get through until our dinner reservation at 6 p.m. She did let me know that the live jazz was being performed by a gentleman that I have known since elementary school. When he arrived to set up, he recognized us and came by for a very brief hello as he had to get ready to perform. Unfortunately, we had to leave after our meal before he had a break as we still had a 2 hour drive home. I did manage to catch him between songs and say goodbye. It was great to see him again and to enjoy the music he makes.
Again, it was an emotional good bye to our daughter but I can say that we all seized the moments and enjoyed our visit. So as much as I am worried and now have to await the results from the PET scan, I continue to see the importance of seizing each and every moment, wringing the joy and warmth from those moments and making lasting memories. There continues to be a cloud of worry and I recognize that will be with me until my appointment next week with my oncologist where I will know about the results of the PET scan. I have no regrets about going to Scotland. Family is so important and the warmth of memories made get us through these worrisome times.
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