Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Day 7 - 5th Chemo Cycle - "Waiting"

Today was a little better than yesterday in that I had a tad more energy, but not much.  I am still plagued by diarrhea, thrush, fatigue, dizziness and weakness.  So again, I've listened to my body and have rested most of the day.

Throughout the day, I felt like I was waiting.  I'm waiting for the first week of side effects to pass.  I'm waiting for strength to return so I can organize my team for Relay For Life.  I'm waiting for a return to full health so I can LIVE!!!

As I thought about all this waiting, my first reaction is waiting seems to be a waste of time.  But I'm in a situation where all I can do is wait and think so there is no time being "wasted".  This quiet waiting that I'm being forced to endure makes me look deep into myself.  As I rested in bed because I was too dizzy to sit upright, I waited  quietly and silently.  This made me look inside and re-evaluate what is important.

I have always tried to live my life by "doing the right thing" even to the detriment of my mental and physical health.  Not having family live nearby, means constantly weighing choices between extended family functions against activities that our children have been involved in.  Often there seems to be scheduling conflicts and I have tried to juggle and "do the right thing".  This has meant making very long trips by car for a weekend visit (2 days of travelling, 1 day of visiting) when the children were very small.  Sometimes "doing the right thing" has meant carrying out volunteer obligations that maybe didnt' need to be fulfilled all of the time.  After mulling over how I can continue to juggle and balance all the demands, I came to the conclusion that I still think it is admirable "to do the right thing" but not always at the expense to my physical and mental well-being.  This is a huge step for me to acknowledge this.  My process of re-evaluating is ongoing for the moment.  No firm decisions have been made yet.

As I continued to contemplate "waiting", I realized that waiting quietly allows us to reconnect with ourselves (inner self, soul, etc.).  Our society is always so busy with rushing from one activity to another that we don't take the time to quietly wait.  I know I haven't.  I'm just now quietly waiting because I've been forced to do so.  Quietly waiting allows us to take stock of our attributes and our flaws.  The next step is trying to improve on the flaws.  I've been doing this throughout my journey through cancer.  Identifying what needs to be improved is somewhat easy.  It's implementing the change that is very, very difficult.

But....this all starts with quietly waiting.

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