Day 19 - 4th Chemo Cycle

I had a fairly quiet day as I'm tired from my wonderful weekend.  I'm also tired because I am having multiple night sweats each night.  I get so hot that I drench my bedding and my pillow.  There's not enough hair on my head to soak my hair but if I did have hair, I would look like I've had a shower.  I can thank the chemotherapy for pushing my body into menopause.   Even though I was tired today, I did hang my bedding out on the line to dry and managed to a little bit more pruning of my grape vines.  It was a beautiful sunny day and warm as long as you were in the sun and sheltered from the wind.

It was 21 years ago today that my dad died from lung cancer.  Other years, I remember the date and I miss him but this year I find myself struggling with stronger emotions.  It could be because I'm tired today but I also think it hurt more this year because of my own battle with lymphoma.  Ever since I watched my dad struggle with his lung cancer, I've hated this horrible disease.  I hate it even more now that I have lymphoma.

I detest going through the chemotherapy even though I know it is curing me.  I'm finding that the thought of having the chemo injected into me now makes my stomach clench and become nauseous.  I'm trying to drink lots of water this week so that I am fully hydrated for Wednesday when I have blood samples taken from me and for Thursday when they put the line into my vein for the chemo.  I used to like drinking cold water from the fridge.  I'm finding that it tastes different now.  This is probably a psychological  residue from when I feel nauseous in the first week of treatment and I have to drink lots of water to flush my system.  I also found in this round that the ginger green tea didn't taste as good either even now when I'm feeling more normal.  I know that after Thursday I only have one more treatment left to go.  I'm getting really tired of it.  My oncologist warned me that I would start to feel this way during the third and fourth cycles of treatment.  I'll be going in on Thursday for my 5th chemo treatment at 8:30 a.m.  I've been trying not to dwell on the next treatment but it is always there in the back of my mind.  As like the other cycles, I have an underlying anxiety building as the date gets closer.

However, having stated all of this, I've also been very blessed with wonderful visits with friends and family as well as the numerous emails, cards and food that have helped to lift my spirits throughout my journey to renewed health.  I've been trying to play the piano a little more often and it is providing me with an opportunity to express myself through music.  I hope that the next week and a half will be warm and sunny.  The nicer weather seemed to help me through the rough first week in this fourth cycle.