As my last post mentioned, I had my final treatment and I was off to visit family for an early Christmas celebration. I always enjoy my Extended Family Christmas. The only people missing are my Grandpa (d. 1986), my Dad (d. 1991) and my Grandma (d. 1993). It was a wonderful day even though I tired quickly. Family just accepted that and let me rest. My son realized I was totally spent and quietly moved all our presents and empty dishes to the back door of my brother's place. He also approached Hubby and let him know it was time to go. I was waiting until after Don Cherry's segment had finished before I was going to let Hubby know I was exhausted and needed to leave. Everyone totally understood.
After returning home, I have picked up a bad head/throat cold that I'm having difficulty shaking off. This morning, as I was using limited energy to dust in preparation for putting up Christmas decorations, I took time to read and reflect on What God Hath Promised. This is a poem based on scripture (1 Kings 8:56) that I received from my mother's cousin back in 2012 when I had my first bout of lymphoma. I don't know who wrote it. She told me that her mother (she died before I was born of breast cancer) had this poem on the hallway wall outside her (my great-aunt's) bedroom. I have it hung in my own bedroom but often just walk by or quickly read it over as I dust. I've been having some down days as I still try to adjust to not working. Having the cold hasn't helped as I have no energy and then too much time to think and have a lonely pity party.
God hath (has) not promised skies always blue.
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives thro';
God hath (has) not promised sun without rain.
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
This first verse of the poem reminds me that our lives are never perfect, sunny days with no illness, sorrow or negativity. We can try to make our lives positive, healthy and joyful but it is never a guarantee.
God hath (has) not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe:
He hath (has) not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.
Again, this verse tells me that my life is not guaranteed to avoid struggles or hard work both physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm reminded that the absence of grief, worry and heavy physical and emotional burdens are not promised. It's not a guarantee of a perfect life.
God hath (has) not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel needing no guide:
Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
Never a river turbid and deep:
I really like this verse as it seems to echo my thoughts on my own journey through life. In the times that I've been healthy and active, it is so easy to travel swiftly and easily through these times with less leaning on my "guide" Jesus/God/Holy Spirit. However, when I encounter "mountains rocky and steep" or "rivers turbid and deep", then I do lean on my constant companion in this life and my deep faith. Does this make me fickle? When the way is so steep and rocky (going through chemo) or the river is turbid and deep (swirling emotions and thoughts of uselessness as I sit doing nothing in an attempt to get better physically), is it only then that I lean on my "guide"? I don't believe this makes me fickle. When I'm healthy and riding on the back of The Big Wing or I'm gardening and enjoying nature, I quietly in my thoughts praise God for the joy of living. Joy....is also there deep inside me even when I'm in the middle of the deep, turbid river of trials. Do I doubt my "guide" sometimes. Sure. Do I get discouraged? Yes. But inevitably, I do feel God by my side in both good and bad times.
But God hath (has) promised strength for the day,
Rest after labor, light for our way.
Grace for all trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.
As I read this last verse this morning while dusting, I contemplated the meanings of the words. God has promised me strength for my day(s). Even when I'm ill, I need to feel productive. Even now, as I'm unemployed and sitting at home, I need to feel that I've accomplished something. God does give me strength. He does give me rest after my labour. Sometimes I'm a little stubborn and go beyond what my energy levels are at. I always pay for it by being too tired to do anything the next day or the next couple of days. This is the "rest after labour". "Light for our way" is given to me through God's angels. These "angels" are my friends, my family and my church family. The warm glow of love helps light up my day and give a light for my path through both healthy, joyful times and also dark, ill times in my life's journey. Again, looking at the third line in this verse, God provides grace and help to me through my human support network but also through inspired thoughts throughout my day. This morning, the last line left me feeling cossetted and cherished. For me, "Unfailing sympathy, undying love", is always felt when I'm at my lowest point or in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.
This poem, reminds me to look to my faith. Think about God and Jesus as my constant companion at all hours of the day and night. In my darkest times, I always feel like God's hand is cupped and holding me gently while He carries me throught the rockiest and steepest climb of an unmovable mountain.
I truly am blessed and thankful. I'm thankful for all my family, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, friends and church family. What cherished blessings you all are. Now go...seize the day....find joy in all circumstances.
Friday, 29 November 2019
Thursday, 7 November 2019
A Long, LONG Overdue Update
Oh my!!! Time has gotten away on me and I haven't been posting on the blog regularly. Briefly, I am very healthy and I have lots of energy and strength. This is why I haven't posted. The summer was spent outdoors with my gardening. After years of neglect, I finally got the gardens somewhat weed free and flourishing. My vegetable garden performed very well and I spent the last couple of months reaping the benefits of the vegetables. My freezer is full for the upcoming winter with various soups, beets and sauces. I also froze my apples, pears, rhubarb and zucchini in quantities for baking throughout the winter.
Thanksgiving was a beautiful holiday even though my children were not able to spend it with us. Instead, we shared the holiday and harvest meal with my husband's cousin. It was a lovely weekend. The weather was unseasonably warm and we were able to enjoy an evening around the small, contained fire pit.
Throughout the month of September, the plan to finally return to work was put in place. With excitement and some trepidation, I started the process of the required medical tests and procedures which are required to volunteer or work in the hospital environment. After asking my oncologist a question regarding the timing of my last maintenance chemo treatment and the flu shot, I received information from my doctor that indicated I should not return to work or volunteer in the public realm and certainly not in the hospital. My immune system is permanently suppressed and even with all the vaccinations, I am very susceptible to all the viruses that circulate. It was a very sad day for me. It was difficult to have to tell my manager that I would not be returning to work on November 11 as previously planned. My emotions were very close to the surface. I felt anger as this disease has once again taken something that I thoroughly enjoyed away from me. I felt grief. I felt sadness as I won't see my co-workers on a regular basis. I felt like I was a failure. I've since recovered some of my joie de vivre. I continue to look for another way to make myself a contributing member of society. I may look into volunteering at the food bank but not with the public part of that. I could help unload and put away the various food items on the storage shelves.
With the good weather behind us and winter looming, I have decided to enroll in an exercise program. I intend to pick up my painting again. I haven't painted regularly since 1990. I am going to learn to paint using acrylics instead of oils this time. I will still have my blog that I can write in. And maybe, if I have good energy and we have enough snow, I can pick up snow shoeing again. I have also been able to return to singing in the church choir. I'm thoroughly enjoying it!!
Today, I will have my last maintenance treatment of Rituxan. Yayyy!!!!! I saw my oncologist yesterday and all my blood levels are in the normal range. I will have this last treatment this afternoon and then I'm off to a special dinner with my hubby and 2 very close friends. If I need to leave the dinner early, our friends are willing to drive me home as Hubby has some obligations to take care of at the evening event.
As I write this, our first snow is drifting lazily down. Big, fluffy snowflakes have been falling all morning and are accumulating on the ground. Hubby rode The Big Wing (his Honda Goldwing motorcycle) to the shop for storage this morning in the snow. That was a first. The poor Big Wing has never seen snow while we've owned it. We will look forward to next Spring when it will come home and we can go out for our rides again. My next post on the blog will tell all about our summer vacation in August on The Big Wing. Life is full of adventures and I really have climbed out of my doldrums of the last few weeks. It's time to look forward and see what life brings my way. As of yesterday, I have graduated to seeing my oncologist every 6 months for a check up.
Keep checking back for future posts which will happen more regularly now.
Thanksgiving was a beautiful holiday even though my children were not able to spend it with us. Instead, we shared the holiday and harvest meal with my husband's cousin. It was a lovely weekend. The weather was unseasonably warm and we were able to enjoy an evening around the small, contained fire pit.
Throughout the month of September, the plan to finally return to work was put in place. With excitement and some trepidation, I started the process of the required medical tests and procedures which are required to volunteer or work in the hospital environment. After asking my oncologist a question regarding the timing of my last maintenance chemo treatment and the flu shot, I received information from my doctor that indicated I should not return to work or volunteer in the public realm and certainly not in the hospital. My immune system is permanently suppressed and even with all the vaccinations, I am very susceptible to all the viruses that circulate. It was a very sad day for me. It was difficult to have to tell my manager that I would not be returning to work on November 11 as previously planned. My emotions were very close to the surface. I felt anger as this disease has once again taken something that I thoroughly enjoyed away from me. I felt grief. I felt sadness as I won't see my co-workers on a regular basis. I felt like I was a failure. I've since recovered some of my joie de vivre. I continue to look for another way to make myself a contributing member of society. I may look into volunteering at the food bank but not with the public part of that. I could help unload and put away the various food items on the storage shelves.
With the good weather behind us and winter looming, I have decided to enroll in an exercise program. I intend to pick up my painting again. I haven't painted regularly since 1990. I am going to learn to paint using acrylics instead of oils this time. I will still have my blog that I can write in. And maybe, if I have good energy and we have enough snow, I can pick up snow shoeing again. I have also been able to return to singing in the church choir. I'm thoroughly enjoying it!!
Today, I will have my last maintenance treatment of Rituxan. Yayyy!!!!! I saw my oncologist yesterday and all my blood levels are in the normal range. I will have this last treatment this afternoon and then I'm off to a special dinner with my hubby and 2 very close friends. If I need to leave the dinner early, our friends are willing to drive me home as Hubby has some obligations to take care of at the evening event.
As I write this, our first snow is drifting lazily down. Big, fluffy snowflakes have been falling all morning and are accumulating on the ground. Hubby rode The Big Wing (his Honda Goldwing motorcycle) to the shop for storage this morning in the snow. That was a first. The poor Big Wing has never seen snow while we've owned it. We will look forward to next Spring when it will come home and we can go out for our rides again. My next post on the blog will tell all about our summer vacation in August on The Big Wing. Life is full of adventures and I really have climbed out of my doldrums of the last few weeks. It's time to look forward and see what life brings my way. As of yesterday, I have graduated to seeing my oncologist every 6 months for a check up.
Keep checking back for future posts which will happen more regularly now.
Monday, 15 July 2019
Vacation Day 7 - July 8, 2019 at Eagle Lake
It's always so sad to say good bye to a lovely paradise such as this. I have my last morning coffee on the deck and watch the quiet lake. I love this view and hope to someday paint some of the photos I've taken. It's been a long time (over 25 years!) since I've done any painting. At that time I used oil paints but now I want to try my hand using acrylic paints. Some projects are in my mind. We'll see if they get painted.
After a leisurely breakfast and coffee, it's time to start packing up. We've had such a wonderful time and I want to leave the cottage in just as good a shape as we found it or maybe even better. I sweep and vacuum. I pack up the rest of the dry goods. I take the coolers and freezer packs and pack up our things from the fridge and freezer.
Hubby starts to move items into the car and pack it up tight. We brought our cat, Frodo, with us on this holiday. He is getting to be a really old man. He has enjoyed the cottage (he's an indoor cat) but he does not like riding in the car. I spray his carrier with a product that is supposed to help calm him. It worked well on the way up to the cottage last week. Finally it's time to put Frodo in his carrier.
Windows are all closed and locked and everything is closed and locked up. Into the car we all go and off we head home. Unfortunately, there was road closure on Hwy 38 (our route home) and we had to back track and find another route home. Our poor Frodo did not travel as well this time. I felt absolutely terrible for him. We eventually made it home and spoiled him rotten.
Everything got unpacked and laundry was started. We had vacation the rest of this week as well and we used it to finish up the trim and details after having the new flooring put in. I've worked hard all this past week (July 9-13) to get the laundry done and the gardens weeded, shrubs trimmed and zucchini picked. It's back to reality but I'm still making time for a quiet coffee and book on the patio in the mornings. A week after returning home and I can still imagine clearly the view from the deck of the cottage overlooking Eagle Lake. It was a lovely retreat.
After a leisurely breakfast and coffee, it's time to start packing up. We've had such a wonderful time and I want to leave the cottage in just as good a shape as we found it or maybe even better. I sweep and vacuum. I pack up the rest of the dry goods. I take the coolers and freezer packs and pack up our things from the fridge and freezer.
Hubby starts to move items into the car and pack it up tight. We brought our cat, Frodo, with us on this holiday. He is getting to be a really old man. He has enjoyed the cottage (he's an indoor cat) but he does not like riding in the car. I spray his carrier with a product that is supposed to help calm him. It worked well on the way up to the cottage last week. Finally it's time to put Frodo in his carrier.
Windows are all closed and locked and everything is closed and locked up. Into the car we all go and off we head home. Unfortunately, there was road closure on Hwy 38 (our route home) and we had to back track and find another route home. Our poor Frodo did not travel as well this time. I felt absolutely terrible for him. We eventually made it home and spoiled him rotten.
Everything got unpacked and laundry was started. We had vacation the rest of this week as well and we used it to finish up the trim and details after having the new flooring put in. I've worked hard all this past week (July 9-13) to get the laundry done and the gardens weeded, shrubs trimmed and zucchini picked. It's back to reality but I'm still making time for a quiet coffee and book on the patio in the mornings. A week after returning home and I can still imagine clearly the view from the deck of the cottage overlooking Eagle Lake. It was a lovely retreat.
Vacation Day 6 - July 7, 2019 at Eagle Lake
This is our last full day here. The week has gone by so quickly and as always I'm feeling a little sad that our idyllic time here is drawing to a close. But I've still got a great day to enjoy this little bit of paradise.
It's 8:00 and it is cool with not a cloud in the sky. The blue sky reflects into the water so we have a blue lake this morning. Last night was our first night without needing a fan and we actually wanted our blanket on us! A wonderful night's sleep.
I'm so excited for today. We have some friends coming out in the afternoon who work so very hard and are so very generous with us. We have convinced them to come for the afternoon and dinner so they can have some well-deserved down time. It's a lazy day again with reading my book and writing in my notebook. I did feel creative so I've made a marinade to soak the pork tenderloin in all day. The rest of the meal is easy. Baked potatoes and a salad.
Our friends arrive and we have, as always, a fantastically relaxed time together. When it comes time to put the pork on the BBQ, it smells delicious from the marinade. We get carried away visiting and before we know it the meat is slightly overcooked but still really good because of sitting in the marinade earlier. We enjoy our meal and continue to talk, laugh and enjoy. Before we know it, it's time for them to leave and get home. What a great last day we had!!!
I spend the evening packing up the dry goods into our bags and having some things ready to go for packing the car in the morning. Off to sleep we go and sleep well we do. Again, it is cool and lovely weather!
It's 8:00 and it is cool with not a cloud in the sky. The blue sky reflects into the water so we have a blue lake this morning. Last night was our first night without needing a fan and we actually wanted our blanket on us! A wonderful night's sleep.
I'm so excited for today. We have some friends coming out in the afternoon who work so very hard and are so very generous with us. We have convinced them to come for the afternoon and dinner so they can have some well-deserved down time. It's a lazy day again with reading my book and writing in my notebook. I did feel creative so I've made a marinade to soak the pork tenderloin in all day. The rest of the meal is easy. Baked potatoes and a salad.
Our friends arrive and we have, as always, a fantastically relaxed time together. When it comes time to put the pork on the BBQ, it smells delicious from the marinade. We get carried away visiting and before we know it the meat is slightly overcooked but still really good because of sitting in the marinade earlier. We enjoy our meal and continue to talk, laugh and enjoy. Before we know it, it's time for them to leave and get home. What a great last day we had!!!
I spend the evening packing up the dry goods into our bags and having some things ready to go for packing the car in the morning. Off to sleep we go and sleep well we do. Again, it is cool and lovely weather!
Vacation Day 5 - July 6, 2019 at Eagle Lake
I'm slowly starting to sleep in and relax. I woke up and got my coffee at 8:30 this morning. The thermometer indicated it is already 25 degrees Celsius. As I stepped onto the deck to enjoy the view, it was already HOT and HUMID! There was a breeze off the lake as I enjoyed my coffee and an omelette for breakfast. As I sat and relaxed in the chair on the deck, I could hear blue jays, grackles, chickadees, woodpeckers and robins. Then I heard the gentle call of the loon while I was writing in my notebook.
The weekend on the lake has arrived. There is more motorized boat traffic, kayaks, canoes, paddle boards and water skiers. I could also hear the RKY campers out in 3 canoes earlier before the motorized traffic started. I could hear the campers singing as they paddled. It brought back memories of my childhood when I would go to camp for a weekend at most. As the boating traffic increases, I can hear the rhythm of the aluminum boat hitting the dock as wakes and waves come to shore. It makes me think of Martha Hill Duncan's piano composition called "Rowboat At The Dock" which is included in a collection of her compositions called Cottage Days, copyright 2008.
At 2:00 p.m. it is sunny, windy and the air is finally less humid and feels cooler. It is a beautiful, perfect day!! It's wonderful to not feel sticky. As I sit looking at the water, I am feeling reflective and creative. So bear with me as I have a brief interlude of reflection.
Many Faces of the Lake
So currently, my "lake of life" is full of gentle waves calling "Come in and play". My lake of life is also windy, blue, excited and saying "I'm so happy to see all my boating friends with our laughter and squeals of happiness."
The weekend on the lake has arrived. There is more motorized boat traffic, kayaks, canoes, paddle boards and water skiers. I could also hear the RKY campers out in 3 canoes earlier before the motorized traffic started. I could hear the campers singing as they paddled. It brought back memories of my childhood when I would go to camp for a weekend at most. As the boating traffic increases, I can hear the rhythm of the aluminum boat hitting the dock as wakes and waves come to shore. It makes me think of Martha Hill Duncan's piano composition called "Rowboat At The Dock" which is included in a collection of her compositions called Cottage Days, copyright 2008.
At 2:00 p.m. it is sunny, windy and the air is finally less humid and feels cooler. It is a beautiful, perfect day!! It's wonderful to not feel sticky. As I sit looking at the water, I am feeling reflective and creative. So bear with me as I have a brief interlude of reflection.
Many Faces of the Lake
- The lake can be still, reflective and completely calm. - I hate to disturb it and I feel it doesn't want to be disturbed.
- The gentle waves lapping at the shore. - "Come in and swim" it chants. - "Come play" it insists.
- Windy, blue, excited! - I'm so happy to see all my boating friends with their children's laughter and squeals. I love that fathers chase their children in the water saying "I'm the monster and I'm going to get you!" as their children scream and shriek in play and laughter. Lots of pleasure boats, party pontoon boats, kayaks, canoes. Weekend is here!
- Angry, grey, cold, windy, rainy. - "Leave me alone!" - "Let me have a 'tempest in a teapot' kind of day. People listen and leave the lake alone
So currently, my "lake of life" is full of gentle waves calling "Come in and play". My lake of life is also windy, blue, excited and saying "I'm so happy to see all my boating friends with our laughter and squeals of happiness."
Vacation Day 4 - July 5, 2019 at Eagle Lake
I awoke early again this morning but not as early as one of our friends who stayed over. As I walked slowly onto the deck with my coffee, it was an enjoyable morning with the peaceful lapping of the waves on the shore. I espied my friend at the end of the dock just sitting on a lawn chair with his coffee. I thought I needed a picture and would call it "Man At Peace". I went quietly inside the cottage to get my camera. I took the picture and looked at it. It was completely blurry because I forget to change the settings from the dusk pictures of the night before. I picked the correct settings and went to retake the picture. As I tip toed on the deck it creaked. The man looks around and the moment was lost. Maybe some day I can try to paint the picture from my mind.
The rest of the day was overwhelmingly hot. We continued to bask in and share the love and friendship with our friends. We all ended up taking a dip in the lake to cool down throughout the afternoon. Our friends left in the late afternoon. It was a hot and peaceful evening. A dip in the lake was required again as I started to overheat.
Hubby and I were floating on the pool noodles out in the lake past the dock. The surface of the lake felt like bath water and I wanted to cool down. I forced my feet and legs down and found a lovely area of cool water. Then BAM!!!! A fish (I assume it was a bass) bit my calf and left marks. I was OUTTA THERE!!! The bite marks did not break the skin so it was not an eel or snake as there was no swelling. I really believe it was a bass. Probably the same bass Son was trying to catch the other day. My lily white legs probably looked like a lure to the fish. Anyway, once I was on land, the mosquitoes were bad and I moved into the sun porch where I could still get the great views.
I put a fan on the table in the sun porch and took it off the oscillating feature. I adjusted it to blow directly on me while I read my book and enjoyed the sunset. It was still HOT, HOT, HOT and STICKY! In our bedroom, I again fixed the fan to just blow directly on the bed. I had a great night sleep as the fan kept me somewhat cool.
The rest of the day was overwhelmingly hot. We continued to bask in and share the love and friendship with our friends. We all ended up taking a dip in the lake to cool down throughout the afternoon. Our friends left in the late afternoon. It was a hot and peaceful evening. A dip in the lake was required again as I started to overheat.
Hubby and I were floating on the pool noodles out in the lake past the dock. The surface of the lake felt like bath water and I wanted to cool down. I forced my feet and legs down and found a lovely area of cool water. Then BAM!!!! A fish (I assume it was a bass) bit my calf and left marks. I was OUTTA THERE!!! The bite marks did not break the skin so it was not an eel or snake as there was no swelling. I really believe it was a bass. Probably the same bass Son was trying to catch the other day. My lily white legs probably looked like a lure to the fish. Anyway, once I was on land, the mosquitoes were bad and I moved into the sun porch where I could still get the great views.
I put a fan on the table in the sun porch and took it off the oscillating feature. I adjusted it to blow directly on me while I read my book and enjoyed the sunset. It was still HOT, HOT, HOT and STICKY! In our bedroom, I again fixed the fan to just blow directly on the bed. I had a great night sleep as the fan kept me somewhat cool.
Vacation Day 3 - July 4, 2019 at Eagle Lake
I, again, awake and am up at 7:30 a.m. There are high, lazy clouds in the sky this morning. There's a young man out in the bay in front of the cottage dock fishing with his girlfriend or maybe his sister. He's not using his motor but is just drifting quietly. The day is already warm and humid. The boats are coming to life and zipping here and there creating wakes.
As the morning progresses, you hear voices echoing across the water. The cottage life on the tranquil lake is stirring and awakening. It's a very idyllic morning.
I have no internet and having no electronic devices allows time to read, reflect deep upon myself and just enjoy the views. As I reflect upon myself, I realize that I love being surrounded by my family and friends BUT I had forgotten how much I love being alone within the still and quiet nature. It is a balm to my soul and definitely recharges my batteries. This is probably why I love early mornings with my coffee on the deck here at the cottage or on my patio at home. The trees that surround the cottage are cedars, pines, oaks, birch, maples and spruce.
In the afternoon, our invited friends arrives. It was a hot and humid day. The day was filled with laughter, chatting friendship and love. A quick dip in the lake was needed to cool down. The out in the boat we went with our friends. I loved seeing their enjoyment and wonder as we went around the lake. We saw the resident pair of loons come from shore near the abandoned cottage. They led us away on a slow, gentle chase. We wondered if there might be a nest on the shore. We got close to the smaller loon (female?) and saw the vertical stripes in what makes up her 2 white rings around the neck and again, the white dots on her back.
When we returned to the cottage, we had a "root beer can" chicken on the BBQ with potato salad and baked potatoes with shredded cheese, chopped chives, butter, salt, pepper and sour cream. After dinner, Hubby started up a campfire. It was still hot but there were tons of mosquitoes, so I dressed in jeans, socks, shoes and jacket to protect myself. I was dripping with sweat and bug spray, but enjoyed our friends company around the fire. It was another gorgeous sunset!!
As the morning progresses, you hear voices echoing across the water. The cottage life on the tranquil lake is stirring and awakening. It's a very idyllic morning.
I have no internet and having no electronic devices allows time to read, reflect deep upon myself and just enjoy the views. As I reflect upon myself, I realize that I love being surrounded by my family and friends BUT I had forgotten how much I love being alone within the still and quiet nature. It is a balm to my soul and definitely recharges my batteries. This is probably why I love early mornings with my coffee on the deck here at the cottage or on my patio at home. The trees that surround the cottage are cedars, pines, oaks, birch, maples and spruce.
In the afternoon, our invited friends arrives. It was a hot and humid day. The day was filled with laughter, chatting friendship and love. A quick dip in the lake was needed to cool down. The out in the boat we went with our friends. I loved seeing their enjoyment and wonder as we went around the lake. We saw the resident pair of loons come from shore near the abandoned cottage. They led us away on a slow, gentle chase. We wondered if there might be a nest on the shore. We got close to the smaller loon (female?) and saw the vertical stripes in what makes up her 2 white rings around the neck and again, the white dots on her back.
When we returned to the cottage, we had a "root beer can" chicken on the BBQ with potato salad and baked potatoes with shredded cheese, chopped chives, butter, salt, pepper and sour cream. After dinner, Hubby started up a campfire. It was still hot but there were tons of mosquitoes, so I dressed in jeans, socks, shoes and jacket to protect myself. I was dripping with sweat and bug spray, but enjoyed our friends company around the fire. It was another gorgeous sunset!!
Vacation Day 2 - July 3, 2019 at Eagle Lake
It's 7:30 a.m. and I walk into the sun porch with my coffee. The white glare of a boat house on an island across the lake catches my attention. The sun is hitting it just right and it reflects in the mirrored glass which is the lake this particular morning. We went by that cottage on the island on our boat ride yesterday.
The cottage has seen better days. It is leaning and appears to be slowly collapsing in despair as no one seems to love it anymore. I wonder what memories and family fun those leaning tired walls of that cottage has seen. The poor old man of a cottage is decrepit and begs for some loving care. I can just imagine a young family enjoying time together at one time in that space. Perhaps the children have grown and left the area. Perhaps the parents became too old and frail to continue to use the cottage regularly. I imagine that they have died and left the cottage to their children and their families. Perhaps they live too far away now to pay attention to this poor property anymore. The black cottage with white trim and the matching boat house seem so forlorn and sad. Again, I wonder what the real story is behind this one time retreat.
As I look out, I see the combination of fir, cedar and deciduous trees on the far shore. They are clear and sharp with the various shades of green. Interspersed among the trees are bare rock cliffs that climb out of the lake. Also docks and cottages peek out of the trees on the shoreline. In contrast to this sharp, clear view is the blurred reflection of it all on the absolutely still lake. I much prefer this quiet time with the lake before the motorized boats and sea doos get going. I've always been more partial to a silent canoe cutting through the water.
It's now 8:20 a.m. and the lake has woke up from her overnight slumber. Boats are on their way out to do some fishing and perhaps some currents have come alive. The water has gentle waves but it has more movement than earlier. The surface of the water looks like little diamonds floating along as the sun hits the water. The diamonds of light are not quite moving in a lazy manner. There is no reflection of clouds this morning. The sky is blue and hazy.
It's another lazy day of reading, listening to the birds chatter and sing while woodpeckers attack the trees and we can hear the hum of flies and insects. By Noon the heat is already becoming heavy but is relieved by the odd soft breeze off the lake. It's definitely a day to search out and sit in the cooler but still hot shade while I read. A late afternoon dip in the lake is so refreshing and washes off the sunscreen, bug spray and stickiness from the hot, humid day.
After dinner, in the early evening, Hubby and Son went fishing for the first time together. They returned in the boat with no fish to be cleaned or cooked. But the sunset was lovely. They saw 3 loons and a bald eagle while out on the water. After their return, we retreated to the screened in sun porch for a respite from the mosquitoes. All three of us spent the evening reading although I must admit to looking up and enjoying the view of the lake until it got too dark to see it.
The cottage has seen better days. It is leaning and appears to be slowly collapsing in despair as no one seems to love it anymore. I wonder what memories and family fun those leaning tired walls of that cottage has seen. The poor old man of a cottage is decrepit and begs for some loving care. I can just imagine a young family enjoying time together at one time in that space. Perhaps the children have grown and left the area. Perhaps the parents became too old and frail to continue to use the cottage regularly. I imagine that they have died and left the cottage to their children and their families. Perhaps they live too far away now to pay attention to this poor property anymore. The black cottage with white trim and the matching boat house seem so forlorn and sad. Again, I wonder what the real story is behind this one time retreat.
As I look out, I see the combination of fir, cedar and deciduous trees on the far shore. They are clear and sharp with the various shades of green. Interspersed among the trees are bare rock cliffs that climb out of the lake. Also docks and cottages peek out of the trees on the shoreline. In contrast to this sharp, clear view is the blurred reflection of it all on the absolutely still lake. I much prefer this quiet time with the lake before the motorized boats and sea doos get going. I've always been more partial to a silent canoe cutting through the water.
It's now 8:20 a.m. and the lake has woke up from her overnight slumber. Boats are on their way out to do some fishing and perhaps some currents have come alive. The water has gentle waves but it has more movement than earlier. The surface of the water looks like little diamonds floating along as the sun hits the water. The diamonds of light are not quite moving in a lazy manner. There is no reflection of clouds this morning. The sky is blue and hazy.
It's another lazy day of reading, listening to the birds chatter and sing while woodpeckers attack the trees and we can hear the hum of flies and insects. By Noon the heat is already becoming heavy but is relieved by the odd soft breeze off the lake. It's definitely a day to search out and sit in the cooler but still hot shade while I read. A late afternoon dip in the lake is so refreshing and washes off the sunscreen, bug spray and stickiness from the hot, humid day.
After dinner, in the early evening, Hubby and Son went fishing for the first time together. They returned in the boat with no fish to be cleaned or cooked. But the sunset was lovely. They saw 3 loons and a bald eagle while out on the water. After their return, we retreated to the screened in sun porch for a respite from the mosquitoes. All three of us spent the evening reading although I must admit to looking up and enjoying the view of the lake until it got too dark to see it.
Vacation Day 1 - July 2, 2019 at Eagle Lake
Hubby and I decided we need a complete break and down time for a week. So we rented a cottage on Eagle Lake for the week. It is a hot day with heat warnings all around. The fans are on in the cottage to help keep it somewhat cooler at night so we can sleep.
I woke up early and made my way on the the wrap around deck to just sit in a chair and take in the view. There is calm, rippled water which provides a mirror reflection of the rocky shoreline, trees and other cottages. The colours reflected in the water are blue, dark green (the trees) and the white reflection of the clouds. As the morning progresses, a yellow dragonfly flits and lands on the deck railing in front of me to sun itself. I look up and I see puffy cottonball clouds hanging lazily in the sky.
It's Hubby's birthday today and we enjoy a lazy coffee with cereal in the screened in porch to escape the sun. As we eat breakfast, we look out over the beautiful lake. By 10:30 a.m., motor boats have come to life and disturb the calm lake. The wakes and waves will be the view for the rest of the sunny, hot day.
I see a father and very young son in a motorized aluminum fishing boat. The son is sitting in the bow (the front) with his bright yellow life jacket on and he seems very happy. Another boat comes into view towing a water skier. I see the white wake of the boat and the smaller white wake of the skier as the wakes slice through the calm water like a sharp knife. A man glides by on his paddle board as Hubby bails rain water out of the aluminum motorboat at the dock. Genial morning greetings between the two men echo up to me at the cottage. I peek out to see who Hubby is talking to.
In the afternoon, Hubby, Son and I venture out in the motor boat and go slowly around the lake. Because we are idling and going slow, we come within about 10 feet of a large loon. They are so majestic!! I clearly saw the white rings around the long black neck and the absolutely stunning white, speckled back before it dove beneath the surface of the water. We saw it resruface as a speck in the gentle rippling waves closer to shore.
Later in the afternoon, we have a lazy time relaxing in the hot, sticky sunshine. The afternoon is spent with cold drinks and reading as well as laid back conversation with Son who visited for a couple of days. A refreshing dip in the lake and I feel great again.
Birthday dinner for Hubby is a grilled steak with grilled onions and mushrooms, baked potato with shredded cheese and chopped chives from my garden and a salad. After cleaning up from our amazing meal, we go down towards the dock and the firepot. Hubby gets the fire going and we watch the flames dancing as we answer Son's questions about our youth and we reminisce of days gone by. I walk out to the end of the dock to enjoy the view at dusk. Everything is absolutely quiet! .......Except for a large whine of mosquitos as they hover over the water at the end of the dock. OH NO!!!! Here they come!!
I woke up early and made my way on the the wrap around deck to just sit in a chair and take in the view. There is calm, rippled water which provides a mirror reflection of the rocky shoreline, trees and other cottages. The colours reflected in the water are blue, dark green (the trees) and the white reflection of the clouds. As the morning progresses, a yellow dragonfly flits and lands on the deck railing in front of me to sun itself. I look up and I see puffy cottonball clouds hanging lazily in the sky.
It's Hubby's birthday today and we enjoy a lazy coffee with cereal in the screened in porch to escape the sun. As we eat breakfast, we look out over the beautiful lake. By 10:30 a.m., motor boats have come to life and disturb the calm lake. The wakes and waves will be the view for the rest of the sunny, hot day.
I see a father and very young son in a motorized aluminum fishing boat. The son is sitting in the bow (the front) with his bright yellow life jacket on and he seems very happy. Another boat comes into view towing a water skier. I see the white wake of the boat and the smaller white wake of the skier as the wakes slice through the calm water like a sharp knife. A man glides by on his paddle board as Hubby bails rain water out of the aluminum motorboat at the dock. Genial morning greetings between the two men echo up to me at the cottage. I peek out to see who Hubby is talking to.
In the afternoon, Hubby, Son and I venture out in the motor boat and go slowly around the lake. Because we are idling and going slow, we come within about 10 feet of a large loon. They are so majestic!! I clearly saw the white rings around the long black neck and the absolutely stunning white, speckled back before it dove beneath the surface of the water. We saw it resruface as a speck in the gentle rippling waves closer to shore.
Later in the afternoon, we have a lazy time relaxing in the hot, sticky sunshine. The afternoon is spent with cold drinks and reading as well as laid back conversation with Son who visited for a couple of days. A refreshing dip in the lake and I feel great again.
Birthday dinner for Hubby is a grilled steak with grilled onions and mushrooms, baked potato with shredded cheese and chopped chives from my garden and a salad. After cleaning up from our amazing meal, we go down towards the dock and the firepot. Hubby gets the fire going and we watch the flames dancing as we answer Son's questions about our youth and we reminisce of days gone by. I walk out to the end of the dock to enjoy the view at dusk. Everything is absolutely quiet! .......Except for a large whine of mosquitos as they hover over the water at the end of the dock. OH NO!!!! Here they come!!
Monday, 24 June 2019
First "Big Wing" Ride of the Summer
Yesterday, Hubby and I decided to get away from chores and unpacking boxes. We went out for breakfast to Star Diner and then packed up the Big Wing (our 1997 Honda Goldwing) for our first long ride of the summer. What a lovely day it was. The sun was shining bright and its warmth seeped into my being. This was our first really warm day. As Hubby steered the Big Wing, I sat back and soaked up the wind, warmth and sun.
Over the years, we thought we had covered all the areas around home on day trips. This time, we headed west. We often take the Loyalist Parkway along the shores of Lake Ontario which has stunning views. We wanted to do something different so we headed west using Highway 2. It took us through Napanee, Deseronto, Tyendinaga, over the bridge into Picton and then west through Bloomfield and into Wellington. We parked in front of the Wellington Town Hall, changed into running shoes and took out our lunch bag/cooler. Being one of the first really gorgeous days of the Spring let along Summer, the main road was very busy with tourist/cottager traffic. We finally ran across to the Lions Park and found a picnic table near the water. We had noticed during our ride that the Lake Ontario water levels are still very high. Some cottages were still surrounded by water. While we had a cold drink of water and some orange segments, we leaned on the railing at the top of the shore wall and watched the choppy, high water. As we looked west down the shoreline, we saw docks still under water and a gazebo "out in the lake". It will be awhile before the owners of that cottage will be able to use their lovely lakeside gazebo.
After our snack, we wandered around and people watched in the park. It was a busy location with lots of young families. Up by the playground area which was in the full sun, it was very warm. The children and parents were dressed for the hot summer day. As the families wandered down to the shore wall, they discovered the wind off of Lake Ontario was very chilly. We didn't mind it as we still had our motorcycle jackets on. As we made our way back up to The Big Wing, we decided to see if there were any geocaches. I hadn't planned to do geocaching so I didn't have any of my paraphernalia, but Hubby had his phone with the app. We noticed there was a geocache in the park area. Of course, I didn't have a pen on me so that I could sign the log. Hubby went back into the cargo area of the bike and found a pen in my purse. After locking everything up again, he came back and we found the cache very quickly. This was a really nice break in our day.
We hopped back on The Big Wing and continued our way west. We rode through Carrying Place, Consecon and then...... Well, then we decided to just meander and make turns according to our whims. I have no idea what road we ended up being on but it was a great road for a bike ride. It had hills, it had hairpin turns and beautiful rural scenery. I did notice that the corn fields in this area were further ahead to what the fields are close to home. The land near home has been so wet that some farmers were only able to finally plant their crops during this past week. Some fields further east are just starting to show their corn and soybeans. Some fields further east (near home) are planted but nothing has come up yet. On this particular rural road, the corn will easily be "knee high by July". As The Big Wing meandered and turned here and there, we went over the 401. Now we had an idea of where we were. We finally meandered our way through Stirling which I recognized from Son's teenage days of curling bonspiels. We continued making our way east. After a couple of turns and again being on some road that I had never been on before, we ended up in Corbyville and on our left was Signals Brewery. We stopped to share a charcuterie board and I had a their ION beer. It was lovely and refreshing. Typically I don't like beer but I don't mind some craft/microbrewery beers. This one was described as a Cerveza with a twist of lime. It went down well as we sat on the patio beside the Moira River. Our table was in the shade and there was a lovely cool breeze coming off the river. Just further south on the river was some rapids which created a soft, laughing water sound. It was very soothing. Our little break was needed by my body. I had starting to have cramps in my hamstrings and feet from sitting too long. It was good to get up and walk to get the blood flowing again.
After our Signals Brewery stop, we continued heading east and made it home. It was lovely long afternoon ride. Hubby and I were very surprised at how late in the day it was when we arrived home. Of course, it didn't feel late in the day because we were fully enjoying this time of the longest days of the year. Our day ended with a hamburger done on the barbecue and eaten on the patio. We then enjoyed the birds singing and the soft lighting as dusk descended. Here's to many more Big Wing rides this summer.
Over the years, we thought we had covered all the areas around home on day trips. This time, we headed west. We often take the Loyalist Parkway along the shores of Lake Ontario which has stunning views. We wanted to do something different so we headed west using Highway 2. It took us through Napanee, Deseronto, Tyendinaga, over the bridge into Picton and then west through Bloomfield and into Wellington. We parked in front of the Wellington Town Hall, changed into running shoes and took out our lunch bag/cooler. Being one of the first really gorgeous days of the Spring let along Summer, the main road was very busy with tourist/cottager traffic. We finally ran across to the Lions Park and found a picnic table near the water. We had noticed during our ride that the Lake Ontario water levels are still very high. Some cottages were still surrounded by water. While we had a cold drink of water and some orange segments, we leaned on the railing at the top of the shore wall and watched the choppy, high water. As we looked west down the shoreline, we saw docks still under water and a gazebo "out in the lake". It will be awhile before the owners of that cottage will be able to use their lovely lakeside gazebo.
After our snack, we wandered around and people watched in the park. It was a busy location with lots of young families. Up by the playground area which was in the full sun, it was very warm. The children and parents were dressed for the hot summer day. As the families wandered down to the shore wall, they discovered the wind off of Lake Ontario was very chilly. We didn't mind it as we still had our motorcycle jackets on. As we made our way back up to The Big Wing, we decided to see if there were any geocaches. I hadn't planned to do geocaching so I didn't have any of my paraphernalia, but Hubby had his phone with the app. We noticed there was a geocache in the park area. Of course, I didn't have a pen on me so that I could sign the log. Hubby went back into the cargo area of the bike and found a pen in my purse. After locking everything up again, he came back and we found the cache very quickly. This was a really nice break in our day.
We hopped back on The Big Wing and continued our way west. We rode through Carrying Place, Consecon and then...... Well, then we decided to just meander and make turns according to our whims. I have no idea what road we ended up being on but it was a great road for a bike ride. It had hills, it had hairpin turns and beautiful rural scenery. I did notice that the corn fields in this area were further ahead to what the fields are close to home. The land near home has been so wet that some farmers were only able to finally plant their crops during this past week. Some fields further east are just starting to show their corn and soybeans. Some fields further east (near home) are planted but nothing has come up yet. On this particular rural road, the corn will easily be "knee high by July". As The Big Wing meandered and turned here and there, we went over the 401. Now we had an idea of where we were. We finally meandered our way through Stirling which I recognized from Son's teenage days of curling bonspiels. We continued making our way east. After a couple of turns and again being on some road that I had never been on before, we ended up in Corbyville and on our left was Signals Brewery. We stopped to share a charcuterie board and I had a their ION beer. It was lovely and refreshing. Typically I don't like beer but I don't mind some craft/microbrewery beers. This one was described as a Cerveza with a twist of lime. It went down well as we sat on the patio beside the Moira River. Our table was in the shade and there was a lovely cool breeze coming off the river. Just further south on the river was some rapids which created a soft, laughing water sound. It was very soothing. Our little break was needed by my body. I had starting to have cramps in my hamstrings and feet from sitting too long. It was good to get up and walk to get the blood flowing again.
After our Signals Brewery stop, we continued heading east and made it home. It was lovely long afternoon ride. Hubby and I were very surprised at how late in the day it was when we arrived home. Of course, it didn't feel late in the day because we were fully enjoying this time of the longest days of the year. Our day ended with a hamburger done on the barbecue and eaten on the patio. We then enjoyed the birds singing and the soft lighting as dusk descended. Here's to many more Big Wing rides this summer.
Saturday, 22 June 2019
A Fabulous Month
I can't believe that it has been 4 weeks since my last post! Time flies when life is great!! So we had our flooring installed (most of the house), my daughter was home for a week (wonderful, wonderful visit), I continued to fund raise for Relay for Life which was last night, I had a chest CT scan and I'm unpacking all the boxes of "stuff" that was packed up for the floors to be installed.
It's been a crazy and hectic month but I've had a grand time! Throw in a few parties, barbecues, bike rides and life is very, very full. The best thing of the many best things was the news this past Wednesday that my Follicular Lymphoma is currently in full remission!!! Woo Hoo!!! Do we know how long it will be in remission? No, but that's OK. I am all about living fully in the moment and enjoying every single minute.
Last night was the Relay for Life event. I had set my fund raising goal at $2,000. I am very pleased that I surpassed that amount. As I walked the track last night, I couldn't help but compare my energy to a year ago. Last year, I was only able to walk about 2 laps and was at the event from 5:30-8:30 p.m. Last night, I walked a number of laps and I was there from 5:30-11:45. This is how I measure my progress in energy levels. Hubby and I celebrated my good health and remission by walking and flirting and dancing (kind of) to the music. It was a special night. The Luminary Lap is always an emotional time for us and last night was no different. We remembered 3 close family members who are no longer with us due to cancer. Hubby had made a luminary in honour of me (not in memory). As I looked at all the luminaries that lined the track and lit the way after the stadium lights were turned off, I felt anger. It's not often that I have had that surge of rage about how unfair my journey has been or that I have been afflicted with lymphoma. But as I walked the track and struggled with tears in my eyes, I also had anger deep within. It took me by surprise. I acknowledged it but I didn't dwell within it. When we left to come home, I was not in as happy a place as I normally am. As I think about my emotions, I am coming to the conclusion that all the emotions will be coming to the surface now that I have been granted good health. Kind of like the wake of a boat. When a motor boat goes full throttle and then stops, the wake can come up and swamp the back of the boat. Perhaps now that I've been given the great news of remission, some of the other negative emotions that have been restrained unconsciously and consciously, are now straggling through to the forefront of my being. Who knows, but the anger I felt last night regarding cancer certainly took me by surprise. It was like "Where did that come from?!"
While my floors were being installed, I chose to spend my time outdoors to avoid the dust and dirt. A year ago, I would not have been able to consistently weed my garden. This year, I've been able to dig and weed, till and plant my gardens. It is wonderful to have energy and feel healthy. As I write this post today, I'm feeling very tired. So I'm giving myself a day off.....kind of. It's Giveaway Day in my city today and so I put out my free items at the curb around 7:30 this morning. I made turkey soup yesterday, so I divided it up into single servings and froze it this morning. A large load of laundry has been done and is hanging on the line. We are have a wonderfully warm first day of summer and the warm breeze is causing my laundry to gently flap on the line. This is what I call living in the moment. Enjoying all the little things. I am so blessed and I truly believe that all the prayers said for me and by me have been answered. A cure? Not yet, but I am blessed with the ability to recognize the good things, feelings and people around me. Thank you God!!
Living fully in each moment.....seizing the day....carpe diem. This is what makes life worth living and enjoying. ENJOYING!!!! Bring summer on! I'm ready!!!
It's been a crazy and hectic month but I've had a grand time! Throw in a few parties, barbecues, bike rides and life is very, very full. The best thing of the many best things was the news this past Wednesday that my Follicular Lymphoma is currently in full remission!!! Woo Hoo!!! Do we know how long it will be in remission? No, but that's OK. I am all about living fully in the moment and enjoying every single minute.
Last night was the Relay for Life event. I had set my fund raising goal at $2,000. I am very pleased that I surpassed that amount. As I walked the track last night, I couldn't help but compare my energy to a year ago. Last year, I was only able to walk about 2 laps and was at the event from 5:30-8:30 p.m. Last night, I walked a number of laps and I was there from 5:30-11:45. This is how I measure my progress in energy levels. Hubby and I celebrated my good health and remission by walking and flirting and dancing (kind of) to the music. It was a special night. The Luminary Lap is always an emotional time for us and last night was no different. We remembered 3 close family members who are no longer with us due to cancer. Hubby had made a luminary in honour of me (not in memory). As I looked at all the luminaries that lined the track and lit the way after the stadium lights were turned off, I felt anger. It's not often that I have had that surge of rage about how unfair my journey has been or that I have been afflicted with lymphoma. But as I walked the track and struggled with tears in my eyes, I also had anger deep within. It took me by surprise. I acknowledged it but I didn't dwell within it. When we left to come home, I was not in as happy a place as I normally am. As I think about my emotions, I am coming to the conclusion that all the emotions will be coming to the surface now that I have been granted good health. Kind of like the wake of a boat. When a motor boat goes full throttle and then stops, the wake can come up and swamp the back of the boat. Perhaps now that I've been given the great news of remission, some of the other negative emotions that have been restrained unconsciously and consciously, are now straggling through to the forefront of my being. Who knows, but the anger I felt last night regarding cancer certainly took me by surprise. It was like "Where did that come from?!"
While my floors were being installed, I chose to spend my time outdoors to avoid the dust and dirt. A year ago, I would not have been able to consistently weed my garden. This year, I've been able to dig and weed, till and plant my gardens. It is wonderful to have energy and feel healthy. As I write this post today, I'm feeling very tired. So I'm giving myself a day off.....kind of. It's Giveaway Day in my city today and so I put out my free items at the curb around 7:30 this morning. I made turkey soup yesterday, so I divided it up into single servings and froze it this morning. A large load of laundry has been done and is hanging on the line. We are have a wonderfully warm first day of summer and the warm breeze is causing my laundry to gently flap on the line. This is what I call living in the moment. Enjoying all the little things. I am so blessed and I truly believe that all the prayers said for me and by me have been answered. A cure? Not yet, but I am blessed with the ability to recognize the good things, feelings and people around me. Thank you God!!
Living fully in each moment.....seizing the day....carpe diem. This is what makes life worth living and enjoying. ENJOYING!!!! Bring summer on! I'm ready!!!
Wednesday, 29 May 2019
Post Maintenance Treatment....Onwards and Upwards
Well, I had my Rituxan maintenance treatment last Thursday, May 23. I am glad that the side effects seem to be finished for the most part. Thursday, I was completely out of it due to the benadryl that I have to take to counteract any allergic reactions. It wipes me out. Hubby can tell when it takes effect as my eyes go glazed and no one seems to be home mentally.
Friday morning arrived and the bowels were affected by the Rituxan. I stayed close to home and rested as we were going to very good friends for dinner. The pounding headache that comes with Rituxan inserted itself into my brain. I was taking extra strength tylenol at regular intervals to keep it bearable. My day was spent reading light novels and surfing the internet. When the side effects hit, all I can do is ride the wave until it passes. I had a lovely time with our friends on Friday night but tired easily and it was an early night.
Saturday, two days after the treatment, I was hit with nausea and lack of appetite. The bowels were a little better which was a relief (pardon the pun). Again, Saturday was spent doing "nothing" although I did work on my daughter's afghan between reading and texting with my brother in another city. He doesn't have access to much internet and so he was not aware of the wonderful news I had received at my check up on Wednesday. The headaches continued throughout Saturday and it was an early night again. I find that getting enough sleep helps lessen the side effects. I was hoping on Saturday night that I could make it to church on Sunday morning as I wanted to sing in the choir. We have an interim organist/choir director who I have really enjoyed working with and Sunday was the last day the choir would be singing until September. So off to bed I went with hopes for the next morning.
Unfortunately, Saturday night I didn't sleep well as my body was restless. Sunday morning came and my nausea, headaches and bowels were still an issue. I wasn't very hungry and it was due to the nausea. I sent off an early morning email to the organist to let her know that my body was not cooperating with my mental wishes. I rested on the couch and read my current novel as well as worked on the afghan again. By late morning, Hubby wanted to get me out of the house for a drive. I agreed.
I took more extra-strength tylenol and got cleaned up. May be that would help me feel better. It really didn't but I did need a change of scenery. Hubby suggested going downtown to watch a baseball game. Unfortunately, my headache was pounding and the thought of sitting amongst a cheering or yelling crowd made me cringe. I love watching baseball so you know how awful I was feeling to say "No, I don't want to do that." Hubby was very good and we went for a drive along Lake Ontario's shoreline. The water level was high. I enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my body in the car as well as the sparkling water that looked like little diamonds as the sun glistened off the blue water. What a lovely drive it was. I noticed that not many fields have been planted yet due to the wet ground. Some fields were planted but you could see where the tractors had sunk and made deep ruts in the field. I enjoyed the drive but tired quickly and was ready to return home. Hubby made a lovely meal but I wasn't hungry although I did eat a little bit. By the end of the day, I was ready for all the side effects to be finished. I was tired of riding this roller coaster and being in the deep valley. As I went to bed on Sunday night, I hoped that Monday would be better.
I slept much better and.....Hubby and I both slept in. The alarm had been shut off for the weekend and we forgot to reset it. Hubby had just enough time for breakfast and dash out the door to work. I continued to be exhausted throughout the day but at least the headache, bowels and nausea had calmed down considerably. I was just wiped. Monday was a sunny and warm day so I took advantage of it and did a couple loads of laundry and hung them on the line to dry outside. I love the smell of wind blown clean laundry. That was enough for me. I dressed in my sun protective pants and shirt. I put on my hat and I sat out on the patio with my book. I listened to the birds singing away, the bumble bees buzzing lazily around the flowers and read my book. It was a lovely day even though I was very tired. I took advantage of feeling a little better and tried a new recipe for dinner. It was Trinidad Chicken Pelau. I had cut it out of our local newspaper back in 2014 (that's the date on the paper). I also made Jamaican Carrots which I've made before. I got that recipe from a Carribean Night which Hubby and I attended several years ago. It was an evening of Carribean food, music and fellowship in an effort to teach and integrate the two cultures in our city. It was a very memorable evening and the recipes for the food were available for those who wanted them. I like trying new things and different ethnic foods so, of course, I picked up the recipes. I digress from my dinner though. The meal I made on Monday night was really, really good. It's not often that I love my own food. Food always tastes better when someone else makes it. This time, I loved the meal! I will definitely be making it again. But....preparing and making the meal exhausted me even more. So it was an early night again.
Yesterday, Tuesday, May 28, I awoke feeling normal!!!! Praise be!! The side effects seem to have abated. I'm moving onwards and upwards from the treatment now. It was a rainy, damp day here so I decided to tackle cleaning out a small crawlspace (we have another bigger crawlspace) in the house. I also put polishing some old furniture and vacuuming on my to-do list. I started with the crawlspace because there's an upcoming reunion that Hubby wants to go to and he would like to find his collection of pics and stuff from that time period. While going through the crawlspace, I decided to do a major purge of "stuff". It took me most of the day to finish this job. At the end of it, I was dirty and dusty but there were 3 bags of things to donate to the second hand store. Hubby and my children received multiple texts with pictures of stuff as I requested a yes or no to keeping. It was late afternoon when I finished this big job. Unfortunately, I didn't find Hubby's mementos. They must be in the bigger crawlspace. He keeps that one organized so it will be up to him to find them now. I rested for about an hour and then I tackled the old furniture. One is an old shipping trunk that belonged to my grandmother but maybe even came to her from her parents. I've used it for storage of kids' things over the years and when I started reclaiming their bedrooms in January, I started to use it for storing blankets and afghans for winter use. It looks good in Son's "new" room so I decided to use the furniture polish from Sticky Forks Apiary to bring the trunk back to life. As I cleaned and polished it, I was very pleased with what I saw. Hubby arrived home from work (time had passed quickly!) and saw the partially polished trunk. He was amazed at how well it looked. I stopped and reheated the leftovers from Monday for dinner. After dinner, Hubby continued to paint my laundry room in the basement while I continued to polish the trunk. I'm really pleased with how it looks but it has been neglected for so long that I'm going to let it soak in and then do it again next week. After I was done the trunk, I looked at the battered bookshelf that has held my books and then Son's books over the years. I bought this bookshelf 30 years ago at an auction and it was battered then. I cleaned the empty bookshelf and then went at it with the furniture polish. When I finished, the bookshelf gleamed and shone like new! All the scratches were magically gone! Oh but how my hands and wrists ached! Hubby was still painting and so I dug out the vacuum and finished my to-do list. My energy was sapped but I felt so satisfied. It was a full filling day but I was tired. I finished my day with spending time on the couch with Hubby. But then the phone rang just as I was to head to bed. I had a short visit with my mom and then had to politely end the call. I was yawning so much I could hardly carry on a conversation and my mind was turning to mush. Off to bed I went.
Today is supposed to be a sunny and warm day. Two loads of laundry have been done and will be hanging on the line after I finish this post. I'm really tired again today and I believe it is because I did too much yesterday. But I still want to play in my gardens today too. Oh well....onwards and upwards! Life is for living. I can always sleep later.
Friday morning arrived and the bowels were affected by the Rituxan. I stayed close to home and rested as we were going to very good friends for dinner. The pounding headache that comes with Rituxan inserted itself into my brain. I was taking extra strength tylenol at regular intervals to keep it bearable. My day was spent reading light novels and surfing the internet. When the side effects hit, all I can do is ride the wave until it passes. I had a lovely time with our friends on Friday night but tired easily and it was an early night.
Saturday, two days after the treatment, I was hit with nausea and lack of appetite. The bowels were a little better which was a relief (pardon the pun). Again, Saturday was spent doing "nothing" although I did work on my daughter's afghan between reading and texting with my brother in another city. He doesn't have access to much internet and so he was not aware of the wonderful news I had received at my check up on Wednesday. The headaches continued throughout Saturday and it was an early night again. I find that getting enough sleep helps lessen the side effects. I was hoping on Saturday night that I could make it to church on Sunday morning as I wanted to sing in the choir. We have an interim organist/choir director who I have really enjoyed working with and Sunday was the last day the choir would be singing until September. So off to bed I went with hopes for the next morning.
Unfortunately, Saturday night I didn't sleep well as my body was restless. Sunday morning came and my nausea, headaches and bowels were still an issue. I wasn't very hungry and it was due to the nausea. I sent off an early morning email to the organist to let her know that my body was not cooperating with my mental wishes. I rested on the couch and read my current novel as well as worked on the afghan again. By late morning, Hubby wanted to get me out of the house for a drive. I agreed.
I took more extra-strength tylenol and got cleaned up. May be that would help me feel better. It really didn't but I did need a change of scenery. Hubby suggested going downtown to watch a baseball game. Unfortunately, my headache was pounding and the thought of sitting amongst a cheering or yelling crowd made me cringe. I love watching baseball so you know how awful I was feeling to say "No, I don't want to do that." Hubby was very good and we went for a drive along Lake Ontario's shoreline. The water level was high. I enjoyed the warmth of the sun on my body in the car as well as the sparkling water that looked like little diamonds as the sun glistened off the blue water. What a lovely drive it was. I noticed that not many fields have been planted yet due to the wet ground. Some fields were planted but you could see where the tractors had sunk and made deep ruts in the field. I enjoyed the drive but tired quickly and was ready to return home. Hubby made a lovely meal but I wasn't hungry although I did eat a little bit. By the end of the day, I was ready for all the side effects to be finished. I was tired of riding this roller coaster and being in the deep valley. As I went to bed on Sunday night, I hoped that Monday would be better.
I slept much better and.....Hubby and I both slept in. The alarm had been shut off for the weekend and we forgot to reset it. Hubby had just enough time for breakfast and dash out the door to work. I continued to be exhausted throughout the day but at least the headache, bowels and nausea had calmed down considerably. I was just wiped. Monday was a sunny and warm day so I took advantage of it and did a couple loads of laundry and hung them on the line to dry outside. I love the smell of wind blown clean laundry. That was enough for me. I dressed in my sun protective pants and shirt. I put on my hat and I sat out on the patio with my book. I listened to the birds singing away, the bumble bees buzzing lazily around the flowers and read my book. It was a lovely day even though I was very tired. I took advantage of feeling a little better and tried a new recipe for dinner. It was Trinidad Chicken Pelau. I had cut it out of our local newspaper back in 2014 (that's the date on the paper). I also made Jamaican Carrots which I've made before. I got that recipe from a Carribean Night which Hubby and I attended several years ago. It was an evening of Carribean food, music and fellowship in an effort to teach and integrate the two cultures in our city. It was a very memorable evening and the recipes for the food were available for those who wanted them. I like trying new things and different ethnic foods so, of course, I picked up the recipes. I digress from my dinner though. The meal I made on Monday night was really, really good. It's not often that I love my own food. Food always tastes better when someone else makes it. This time, I loved the meal! I will definitely be making it again. But....preparing and making the meal exhausted me even more. So it was an early night again.
Yesterday, Tuesday, May 28, I awoke feeling normal!!!! Praise be!! The side effects seem to have abated. I'm moving onwards and upwards from the treatment now. It was a rainy, damp day here so I decided to tackle cleaning out a small crawlspace (we have another bigger crawlspace) in the house. I also put polishing some old furniture and vacuuming on my to-do list. I started with the crawlspace because there's an upcoming reunion that Hubby wants to go to and he would like to find his collection of pics and stuff from that time period. While going through the crawlspace, I decided to do a major purge of "stuff". It took me most of the day to finish this job. At the end of it, I was dirty and dusty but there were 3 bags of things to donate to the second hand store. Hubby and my children received multiple texts with pictures of stuff as I requested a yes or no to keeping. It was late afternoon when I finished this big job. Unfortunately, I didn't find Hubby's mementos. They must be in the bigger crawlspace. He keeps that one organized so it will be up to him to find them now. I rested for about an hour and then I tackled the old furniture. One is an old shipping trunk that belonged to my grandmother but maybe even came to her from her parents. I've used it for storage of kids' things over the years and when I started reclaiming their bedrooms in January, I started to use it for storing blankets and afghans for winter use. It looks good in Son's "new" room so I decided to use the furniture polish from Sticky Forks Apiary to bring the trunk back to life. As I cleaned and polished it, I was very pleased with what I saw. Hubby arrived home from work (time had passed quickly!) and saw the partially polished trunk. He was amazed at how well it looked. I stopped and reheated the leftovers from Monday for dinner. After dinner, Hubby continued to paint my laundry room in the basement while I continued to polish the trunk. I'm really pleased with how it looks but it has been neglected for so long that I'm going to let it soak in and then do it again next week. After I was done the trunk, I looked at the battered bookshelf that has held my books and then Son's books over the years. I bought this bookshelf 30 years ago at an auction and it was battered then. I cleaned the empty bookshelf and then went at it with the furniture polish. When I finished, the bookshelf gleamed and shone like new! All the scratches were magically gone! Oh but how my hands and wrists ached! Hubby was still painting and so I dug out the vacuum and finished my to-do list. My energy was sapped but I felt so satisfied. It was a full filling day but I was tired. I finished my day with spending time on the couch with Hubby. But then the phone rang just as I was to head to bed. I had a short visit with my mom and then had to politely end the call. I was yawning so much I could hardly carry on a conversation and my mind was turning to mush. Off to bed I went.
Today is supposed to be a sunny and warm day. Two loads of laundry have been done and will be hanging on the line after I finish this post. I'm really tired again today and I believe it is because I did too much yesterday. But I still want to play in my gardens today too. Oh well....onwards and upwards! Life is for living. I can always sleep later.
Friday, 24 May 2019
Fantastic Update!!!!
On Monday, May 20, Hubby and I took a short ride, due to the cold and windy conditions, on the Big Wing. We went east to Rockport and enjoyed some time looking out over the St. Lawrence River, listening to birds and enjoying the sunshine. It was very windy and you could see white caps out on the river. The water level is high and the Rockport Boat Lines had skids holding up a wooden walkway so customers could make it onto the tour boat without getting their feet wet. The river was up over the permanent dock. We saw swans, warblers, and ducks. The swans and ducks were sheltering near the shoreline due to the rough water.
My birthday was on May 21. It was a cool but sunny day and I enjoyed playing in the garden which translates to continuing the job of digging and pulling the roots of an aggressive plant that is the bane of my garden. I did that until I disturbed some bumble bees. So I left and moved to another part of the yard. I also bought myself some sun protective shirts and pants as I am not supposed to get any sun exposure anymore. Due to the chemo over the years, I am at a high risk of a secondary cancer which is often skin cancer. Being fair, I was already at a high risk. I've been working in the yard with long sleeves and pants. My current gardening clothes kept me safe but they were heavy weight and caused me to overheat. The new sun protective clothing is more light weight and will be better. Hubby took me out for dinner again on my birthday to my favourite Indian restaurant, Darbar. This was to celebrate my birthday but also like a "last supper" as I went for my 6th Rituxan maintenance treatment on Thursday.
So as per usual, on Wednesday, May 22, I saw my oncologist for my check up before having the treatment on Thursday. The last time I was at the cancer clinic was in March when I was given the results from a full CT scan from my throat to my pelvis. It was a resident doctor (student) that gave me the results and she didn't let me ask questions. She just said that there was a new spot on my lung and so they would do another chest CT scan in 3 months. So I saw my regular oncologist on Wednesday and I asked him if there was any difference in my abdominal tumours from last June. His report was that all the abdominal tumours had shrunk to normal size lymph nodes!!!! I was so ecstatic, I started clapping and shrieking Woo Hoo!!! My doctor smiled and said that I still need to have the chest CT scan done in June but things are looking positive. We're cautiously optimistic that I'm in partial remission if not full remission! I'm going with the assumption that the spot on my left lung was from my cold/infection I had at the time of the CT scan in March. That scan took place on March 7 and I didn't start any antibiotics until March 14. So I have a chest CT scan on June 10. I only have 2 more Rituxan maintenance treatments left to go.
Yesterday, I had my 6th Rituxan maintenance treatment. They always give me benadryl to counteract any allergic reactions I may have. It knocks me out. So yesterday was spent sleeping and resting. That also meant that I didn't sleep very well last night because I was "rested out". Oh well. This morning the side effects of the Rituxan treatment are kicking in. These include tiredness and loose bowels. Hubby and I are going to our friends' place for dinner tonight. I am very comfortable with them and they understand the process I go through. I'm hoping that if I keep rested and quiet today, my body will settle down.
With all the good news from my check up this week, it makes all the rest of this treatment and side effects worth it. The Rituxan maintenance treatment is what has continued to shrink my tumours in my abdomen. I am so very thankful for all the research that continues to be made in treating lymphoma. I'm so very blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who pray on a regular basis for me. I love my God who has provided the inspired scientists with their knowledge and quest for new treatments. Life is grand. It is a roller coaster. I'm currently near the top of a hill on the ride of life. I'm going to enjoy as I do every day.
My birthday was on May 21. It was a cool but sunny day and I enjoyed playing in the garden which translates to continuing the job of digging and pulling the roots of an aggressive plant that is the bane of my garden. I did that until I disturbed some bumble bees. So I left and moved to another part of the yard. I also bought myself some sun protective shirts and pants as I am not supposed to get any sun exposure anymore. Due to the chemo over the years, I am at a high risk of a secondary cancer which is often skin cancer. Being fair, I was already at a high risk. I've been working in the yard with long sleeves and pants. My current gardening clothes kept me safe but they were heavy weight and caused me to overheat. The new sun protective clothing is more light weight and will be better. Hubby took me out for dinner again on my birthday to my favourite Indian restaurant, Darbar. This was to celebrate my birthday but also like a "last supper" as I went for my 6th Rituxan maintenance treatment on Thursday.
So as per usual, on Wednesday, May 22, I saw my oncologist for my check up before having the treatment on Thursday. The last time I was at the cancer clinic was in March when I was given the results from a full CT scan from my throat to my pelvis. It was a resident doctor (student) that gave me the results and she didn't let me ask questions. She just said that there was a new spot on my lung and so they would do another chest CT scan in 3 months. So I saw my regular oncologist on Wednesday and I asked him if there was any difference in my abdominal tumours from last June. His report was that all the abdominal tumours had shrunk to normal size lymph nodes!!!! I was so ecstatic, I started clapping and shrieking Woo Hoo!!! My doctor smiled and said that I still need to have the chest CT scan done in June but things are looking positive. We're cautiously optimistic that I'm in partial remission if not full remission! I'm going with the assumption that the spot on my left lung was from my cold/infection I had at the time of the CT scan in March. That scan took place on March 7 and I didn't start any antibiotics until March 14. So I have a chest CT scan on June 10. I only have 2 more Rituxan maintenance treatments left to go.
Yesterday, I had my 6th Rituxan maintenance treatment. They always give me benadryl to counteract any allergic reactions I may have. It knocks me out. So yesterday was spent sleeping and resting. That also meant that I didn't sleep very well last night because I was "rested out". Oh well. This morning the side effects of the Rituxan treatment are kicking in. These include tiredness and loose bowels. Hubby and I are going to our friends' place for dinner tonight. I am very comfortable with them and they understand the process I go through. I'm hoping that if I keep rested and quiet today, my body will settle down.
With all the good news from my check up this week, it makes all the rest of this treatment and side effects worth it. The Rituxan maintenance treatment is what has continued to shrink my tumours in my abdomen. I am so very thankful for all the research that continues to be made in treating lymphoma. I'm so very blessed to be surrounded by family and friends who pray on a regular basis for me. I love my God who has provided the inspired scientists with their knowledge and quest for new treatments. Life is grand. It is a roller coaster. I'm currently near the top of a hill on the ride of life. I'm going to enjoy as I do every day.
Friday, 10 May 2019
Good Times!
Last Sunday (May 5), Hubby and I decided to get out on The Big Wing for the first time this year. It was a sunny, warm day. As I sit on the back, I often have the wind buffeting my legs and hips while we ride. Hubby is somewhat more protected as he has wind flaps to adjust and keep himself warmer. So at this time of year when the wind still has a chill to it, I wear layers on my legs. On Sunday, I decided to go with only 2 layers rather than the 3 layers that I sometimes wear on the colder days. Off we went. I love looking around at nature as we ride out of the city. This particular ride, we went north and then took the Westport Road which is a lovely winding road with lakes on either side and sometimes even a waterfall rushing merrily and noisily down the rock cut in the early Spring. This particular day, there was no waterfall but the scenery was relaxing and enjoyable. The leaves were not evident on the trees yet and this allowed me to see a big porcupine sitting in the tree top to the left of the road. There was still winter grit on the road and this makes for a dangerous ride as the bike wants to skid out from under the riders. That combined with the "road snakes" which are tar patch lines makes for a perilous ride. There were a couple of times I could feel the bike sliding as we went around hairpin turns in the road. Regardless of the fear in me at that point, I fully enjoyed our ride. We went through Wesport and then headed south on our way to an open house at Sticky Forks Apiary. On the road south, I saw a lovely loon gliding silently across the lake. My thought was, "There's the loon aka me" and I had a silent chuckle at my own expense. Then there was a turkey hen on our right quickly running away from the road. Again, my thought was, "There's a turkey aka Hubby" and again, I silently chuckled. As we continued on the road south, on our right was a swampy bay. Sticking out of the water was a log with six small turtles sunning themselves. All the nature is a balm to my soul regardless of how tired I am.
We meandered our way over to the open house and saw the bees, chickens and honey products that were on display and available to buy. I have my favourite products and I will make my way out to Sticky Forks Apiary in a few weeks to replenish my favourites. Of course, I must admit that the owners are friends of our's. We arrived just towards the end of the open house. My friend pulled me aside and wondered what I had planned for dinner. For Hubby and I, dinner was going to be leftovers from the night before. We all decided to be spontaneous and enjoy a relaxing evening together. We went out for dinner and then our friends came back to our place to enjoy the patio before it got too cold. What a lovely day it was!
The rest of the week has been really good too! I'm back to singing again and have rejoined my church choir. It is a challenge for me to go out in the evening midweek for choir practise. I am finding that it takes a toll on me and I am exhausted for a few days afterwards. However, the upside to this is I am reconnecting with the choir members and I am fully enjoying the rehearsals and singing in the choir. This activity continues to be dependent on how I feel. For now I'm in the midst of good times.
However, yesterday I received a notice of another chest CT scan as a follow up to one I had done in March. The one in March showed something in my lung. At the time, I had that terrible sinus and chest cold which required antibiotics. My doctor and I assumed the spot in the CT scan in March was due to the cold. But to err on the side of caution and be diligent in observing what's going on with me, I have to go for another CT scan in June so that they can be compared. It's amazing how my mind can play havoc with me. I'm having a great week and then the anxiety hits again. I am refusing to dwell in the dark place of anxiety and fear. But......if the spot is still there then that is not a good sign. I also go in for my next maintenance rituxan chemo treatment on May 23. I often experience anxiety leading up to those treatments. I'm glad the weather is warming up and I can "play" outside in my garden. It helps calm my soul. Of course, with the warmer weather, I will also be enjoying more outings with Hubby on The Big Wing.
For now, our home is partway through its refreshing renovated updates. I am excited to see it completed although that won't be until mid June. That's fine. It will give me something to focus on and get me through the next few weeks. In the meantime, Hubby and I are enjoying dinners and good times with friends and family. As the weather warms up, I will be able to spend time sitting on my patio while I watch and listen to the birds. Good times!!
We meandered our way over to the open house and saw the bees, chickens and honey products that were on display and available to buy. I have my favourite products and I will make my way out to Sticky Forks Apiary in a few weeks to replenish my favourites. Of course, I must admit that the owners are friends of our's. We arrived just towards the end of the open house. My friend pulled me aside and wondered what I had planned for dinner. For Hubby and I, dinner was going to be leftovers from the night before. We all decided to be spontaneous and enjoy a relaxing evening together. We went out for dinner and then our friends came back to our place to enjoy the patio before it got too cold. What a lovely day it was!
The rest of the week has been really good too! I'm back to singing again and have rejoined my church choir. It is a challenge for me to go out in the evening midweek for choir practise. I am finding that it takes a toll on me and I am exhausted for a few days afterwards. However, the upside to this is I am reconnecting with the choir members and I am fully enjoying the rehearsals and singing in the choir. This activity continues to be dependent on how I feel. For now I'm in the midst of good times.
However, yesterday I received a notice of another chest CT scan as a follow up to one I had done in March. The one in March showed something in my lung. At the time, I had that terrible sinus and chest cold which required antibiotics. My doctor and I assumed the spot in the CT scan in March was due to the cold. But to err on the side of caution and be diligent in observing what's going on with me, I have to go for another CT scan in June so that they can be compared. It's amazing how my mind can play havoc with me. I'm having a great week and then the anxiety hits again. I am refusing to dwell in the dark place of anxiety and fear. But......if the spot is still there then that is not a good sign. I also go in for my next maintenance rituxan chemo treatment on May 23. I often experience anxiety leading up to those treatments. I'm glad the weather is warming up and I can "play" outside in my garden. It helps calm my soul. Of course, with the warmer weather, I will also be enjoying more outings with Hubby on The Big Wing.
For now, our home is partway through its refreshing renovated updates. I am excited to see it completed although that won't be until mid June. That's fine. It will give me something to focus on and get me through the next few weeks. In the meantime, Hubby and I are enjoying dinners and good times with friends and family. As the weather warms up, I will be able to spend time sitting on my patio while I watch and listen to the birds. Good times!!
Friday, 3 May 2019
Feeling Good......and Waiting For "The Bad"
I don't know if it is the residual effects of a crappy February or even the residual effects of the last 2 years but if I'm absolutely, bare-bones honest with myself, then I have been struggling to keep positive, happy and peace-filled. Perhaps I'm a bit down in the dumps because of the grey, cold, rainy weather we've been having. Whatever the reason, I find myself looking to keep busy and keep my mind occupied so I don't think too much. When I have quiet moments, I start to worry about when is the lymphoma going to return. I don't want to think this way but the reality is it will return. We just don't know when. It could be in a month, in several months, perhaps even years before it returns. It is like having a guillotine hanging over your head and you don't know when it is going to fall.
So how do I cope? How do I keep from falling into a pit of despair? I keep busy. Hubby and I have decided to reclaim our house and update it. So, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I have learned to mud and sand the drywall. All the patches are done that we are doing ourselves. Our son's bedroom has been painted. The only full bathroom has been painted. The hallway and the dining room have been painted. Next our daughter's room is being fixed up by a professional. Hubby and I felt it was beyond what our limited skills could fix. At the same time, the professional is going to finish my partially finished laundry room. New flooring is going to be put down in June. Again, we are investing in having professionals do the flooring. This project has been good to keep me physically and mentally busy. I've emptied out closets, cabinets and boxed up the belongings so that the walls could be painted and in preparation for the floors to be done. You see, I have another Rituxan treatment happening on May 23. I never know how my body is going to react and so I want to have everything prepared by then.
The last couple of days, I have been trying to find more things to do to keep busy. When I stop, my mind plays with me. All the "what ifs" that I am trying to outrun, catch up to me and play havoc with my emotional well-being. I feel good and healthy as I've had the energy to do all this prep work. I still manage my energy as I rest when needed. But the down side is that when I rest, the "what ifs" are always there. This is when I rely on some mental fortitude and strength to remind myself that physically, I'm feeling good. We did have a couple of warm days early in the week and I was out gently playing in my flowerbeds by pulling up some of the invasive weeds and plants. The ground is still to cold to dig deep but it was satisfying to be outside.
I know that I am dealing with some anxiety regarding the lymphoma because I lose concentration and I'm having some insomnia issues. I have a tendency to want to tighten up the control of things around me when I get anxious. I have always been aware that this is not a healthy way to deal with anxiety but it's there. So amidst the chaos of renovations, I'm anxious about keeping the house clean. The anxiety mounts as I am surrounded by the chaos of boxes, dust and seemingly endless disruption. This is when I stop, breathe deeply and try to centre myself with calm. If that doesn't work, I'm back to vacuuming, dusting and going through drawers and closets and purging "stuff".
I am feeling good and know that some sore muscles are a good sign that I'm getting back into shape. I look forward to working in the garden and then sitting on my patio and enjoying nature. As I contemplate where all my anxiety is coming from, I realize that it may also be attributed to the upcoming check up and treatment. As I write this, I also realize that it was May 16, 2012 that I was officially declared in remission from my first round with lymphoma. Am I officially in remission now? I don't really know. I don't think so as I believe there are still some spots in my abdomen but they are slow growing which is normal with follicular lymphoma. Wednesday was not a good day for me this week. I could feel myself falling into the doldrums. Yesterday I kept busy and so it didn't really affect me too much......although I didn't sleep well last night. The brain worried and wouldn't shut down. I'm hoping that by thinking and writing in the blog today will help me deal with my concerns and move on.
The bottom line is that I would love to be fully cured. I would love to know that the lymphoma is never, ever returning. That's not the reality though and most of the time I can seize my days and wring the most joy out of them. It's just been tough lately. Again, honestly, the dark cloud of worry and lymphoma seems to have been more prevalent since February. So again, how much of it is actually worrying about my health or dealing with grief and loss? I haven't been able to figure that out. It is all woven together to create a rope that is pulling me down. So I continue to fight against sinking into despair. I usually put on a good face and positive attitude. I don't want to worry my friends and family, so I smile and continue life as "normal". I'm looking forward to going out for some wings tonight with friends and then listening and dancing to some music....until I run out of energy. The weather is supposed to dry up and warm up this weekend so maybe Hubby and I can go for our first ride of the season on "The Big Wing" (his Honda Goldwing) bike. Perhaps.....I'm finally ready to dump the worries and enjoy life a little better.
So how do I cope? How do I keep from falling into a pit of despair? I keep busy. Hubby and I have decided to reclaim our house and update it. So, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I have learned to mud and sand the drywall. All the patches are done that we are doing ourselves. Our son's bedroom has been painted. The only full bathroom has been painted. The hallway and the dining room have been painted. Next our daughter's room is being fixed up by a professional. Hubby and I felt it was beyond what our limited skills could fix. At the same time, the professional is going to finish my partially finished laundry room. New flooring is going to be put down in June. Again, we are investing in having professionals do the flooring. This project has been good to keep me physically and mentally busy. I've emptied out closets, cabinets and boxed up the belongings so that the walls could be painted and in preparation for the floors to be done. You see, I have another Rituxan treatment happening on May 23. I never know how my body is going to react and so I want to have everything prepared by then.
The last couple of days, I have been trying to find more things to do to keep busy. When I stop, my mind plays with me. All the "what ifs" that I am trying to outrun, catch up to me and play havoc with my emotional well-being. I feel good and healthy as I've had the energy to do all this prep work. I still manage my energy as I rest when needed. But the down side is that when I rest, the "what ifs" are always there. This is when I rely on some mental fortitude and strength to remind myself that physically, I'm feeling good. We did have a couple of warm days early in the week and I was out gently playing in my flowerbeds by pulling up some of the invasive weeds and plants. The ground is still to cold to dig deep but it was satisfying to be outside.
I know that I am dealing with some anxiety regarding the lymphoma because I lose concentration and I'm having some insomnia issues. I have a tendency to want to tighten up the control of things around me when I get anxious. I have always been aware that this is not a healthy way to deal with anxiety but it's there. So amidst the chaos of renovations, I'm anxious about keeping the house clean. The anxiety mounts as I am surrounded by the chaos of boxes, dust and seemingly endless disruption. This is when I stop, breathe deeply and try to centre myself with calm. If that doesn't work, I'm back to vacuuming, dusting and going through drawers and closets and purging "stuff".
I am feeling good and know that some sore muscles are a good sign that I'm getting back into shape. I look forward to working in the garden and then sitting on my patio and enjoying nature. As I contemplate where all my anxiety is coming from, I realize that it may also be attributed to the upcoming check up and treatment. As I write this, I also realize that it was May 16, 2012 that I was officially declared in remission from my first round with lymphoma. Am I officially in remission now? I don't really know. I don't think so as I believe there are still some spots in my abdomen but they are slow growing which is normal with follicular lymphoma. Wednesday was not a good day for me this week. I could feel myself falling into the doldrums. Yesterday I kept busy and so it didn't really affect me too much......although I didn't sleep well last night. The brain worried and wouldn't shut down. I'm hoping that by thinking and writing in the blog today will help me deal with my concerns and move on.
The bottom line is that I would love to be fully cured. I would love to know that the lymphoma is never, ever returning. That's not the reality though and most of the time I can seize my days and wring the most joy out of them. It's just been tough lately. Again, honestly, the dark cloud of worry and lymphoma seems to have been more prevalent since February. So again, how much of it is actually worrying about my health or dealing with grief and loss? I haven't been able to figure that out. It is all woven together to create a rope that is pulling me down. So I continue to fight against sinking into despair. I usually put on a good face and positive attitude. I don't want to worry my friends and family, so I smile and continue life as "normal". I'm looking forward to going out for some wings tonight with friends and then listening and dancing to some music....until I run out of energy. The weather is supposed to dry up and warm up this weekend so maybe Hubby and I can go for our first ride of the season on "The Big Wing" (his Honda Goldwing) bike. Perhaps.....I'm finally ready to dump the worries and enjoy life a little better.
Friday, 12 April 2019
Fundraising and "I Don't Look Sick"
In the last month, I've been feeling well. So I'm tackling various projects around the house to help fill my days and keep me active. I've learned to mud and sand holes and indentations in the drywall. Of course, I've been using a mask and safety glasses. I've never done these kinds of jobs before and so it was good to use my brain and learn a new skill. I have never considered myself as good at interior decorating. My home just "happens". But now as I am reclaiming my adult kids' bedrooms, I'm planning on paint colours, flooring to match and fixing imperfections in the walls. Hubby painted my bathroom last weekend and I absolutely love the colour I picked for the walls. Once the new tile flooring will be installed, the bathroom will remind me of the beach.....sand and water. This weekend, the Son's bedroom will be painted. I finished priming it last night.
So this morning, I turned my attention to the yard and started cleaning up the mulched leaves in the flowerbeds before the forecasted rain begins. I even delivered the 3 bags of debris to our municipal composting place. As I was driving home, I reflected on fundraising.
It is the time of year for the Canadian Cancer Society Daffodil fundraiser. And then in June is the Relay for Life event which raises funds for research, support programs and keeping the local Cancer Society office open. This past week, I signed up to participate and fund raise for the Relay for Life on June 21. This morning my thoughts took me to the fact that there are many of us who "don't look sick" in society. Whether it is mental illness, cancer, multiple sclerosis, etc., those of us who are afflicted carry on our daily lives without anyone being aware that we have a serious illness. For myself, I'm looking well and I'm currently feeling well. But I know that my follicular lymphoma (cancer) will return. It will require more treatment. It will kill me. We just don't know when.
So while I feel good, I'm out and about living life and being fully in the moment all the time. I still tire easily but I live fully. Last weekend, I went out with Hubby and we celebrated a friend's birthday with him at a local pub. I loved it! It was great to be out and enjoy a couple of beers. After working for a couple of weeks mudding and sanding, I treated myself that evening to my favourite appetizer of escargots. I had a creme brulee which was really good. I enjoyed visiting with the various friends and acquaintances that were also there. I lived life fully for the evening even though I was tired. Strangers would look at me and not even know that I have cancer.
I have digressed a bit though. My point is that I fund raise so that hopefully a cure can be found before this disease kills me. The treatments that I have had to prolong my life so far have all been discovered with the last 15 to 20 years. Research is currently taking place for various cancers with the hope for a cure. Researchers for some of the cancers are really close to finding that cure. Money for research is paramount to the success of the research. I also fund raise for the Relay for Life as the money helps fund support programs like the Peer Support Program. I currently have a friend who wants to use the program as she starts a serious treatment that in itself can cause some serious side effects. She wants to talk to someone who has gone through this process. The Wheels of Hope program is partially funded by the Relay for Life. This program helps patients get to doctors' appointments and treatment locations. All the money raised at Relay for Life stay in the community of that particular Relay for Life. I will participate in my community and the money I raise stays in this community. It goes to local research as I'm fortunate enough to live in a community with a top notch cancer research facility.
Do I like fund raising? Not particularly. Do I like approaching people and asking for money? No because I feel like I'm begging. But.....I do the "begging" so that maybe I can be cured. It would be really nice to have a day, a week, a month, even a moment when I wouldn't have to worry about the lymphoma returning. It's very tiring to have that constant worry in the back of your mind. It never leaves. It's always there. You try not to think about it but it's always there.
So....please consider supporting me in the Relay for Life this year. You can donate online using the following link: http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_ON_even_?px=4345136&pg=personal&fr_id=24907&en_CA
On behalf of myself and those of us who are struggling with treatment and fighting for our lives, I thank you so very much!
So this morning, I turned my attention to the yard and started cleaning up the mulched leaves in the flowerbeds before the forecasted rain begins. I even delivered the 3 bags of debris to our municipal composting place. As I was driving home, I reflected on fundraising.
It is the time of year for the Canadian Cancer Society Daffodil fundraiser. And then in June is the Relay for Life event which raises funds for research, support programs and keeping the local Cancer Society office open. This past week, I signed up to participate and fund raise for the Relay for Life on June 21. This morning my thoughts took me to the fact that there are many of us who "don't look sick" in society. Whether it is mental illness, cancer, multiple sclerosis, etc., those of us who are afflicted carry on our daily lives without anyone being aware that we have a serious illness. For myself, I'm looking well and I'm currently feeling well. But I know that my follicular lymphoma (cancer) will return. It will require more treatment. It will kill me. We just don't know when.
So while I feel good, I'm out and about living life and being fully in the moment all the time. I still tire easily but I live fully. Last weekend, I went out with Hubby and we celebrated a friend's birthday with him at a local pub. I loved it! It was great to be out and enjoy a couple of beers. After working for a couple of weeks mudding and sanding, I treated myself that evening to my favourite appetizer of escargots. I had a creme brulee which was really good. I enjoyed visiting with the various friends and acquaintances that were also there. I lived life fully for the evening even though I was tired. Strangers would look at me and not even know that I have cancer.
I have digressed a bit though. My point is that I fund raise so that hopefully a cure can be found before this disease kills me. The treatments that I have had to prolong my life so far have all been discovered with the last 15 to 20 years. Research is currently taking place for various cancers with the hope for a cure. Researchers for some of the cancers are really close to finding that cure. Money for research is paramount to the success of the research. I also fund raise for the Relay for Life as the money helps fund support programs like the Peer Support Program. I currently have a friend who wants to use the program as she starts a serious treatment that in itself can cause some serious side effects. She wants to talk to someone who has gone through this process. The Wheels of Hope program is partially funded by the Relay for Life. This program helps patients get to doctors' appointments and treatment locations. All the money raised at Relay for Life stay in the community of that particular Relay for Life. I will participate in my community and the money I raise stays in this community. It goes to local research as I'm fortunate enough to live in a community with a top notch cancer research facility.
Do I like fund raising? Not particularly. Do I like approaching people and asking for money? No because I feel like I'm begging. But.....I do the "begging" so that maybe I can be cured. It would be really nice to have a day, a week, a month, even a moment when I wouldn't have to worry about the lymphoma returning. It's very tiring to have that constant worry in the back of your mind. It never leaves. It's always there. You try not to think about it but it's always there.
So....please consider supporting me in the Relay for Life this year. You can donate online using the following link: http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_ON_even_?px=4345136&pg=personal&fr_id=24907&en_CA
On behalf of myself and those of us who are struggling with treatment and fighting for our lives, I thank you so very much!
Friday, 22 March 2019
Being Kind to Yourself
Today's society values money, consumerism and "busyness". When I come down with a cold or I'm feeling tired due to whatever reasons, I often feel guilty because I don't have the energy to keep up my house to pristine standards or for not keeping busy and productive. There's a little voice or tape that plays in my head and compares me to other people who may be worse off or who are more productive. The voice goes like this. "Well, they're worse off than you and they have energy to do........" Or this "What's wrong with you that you can't even keep the house clean?!" Or this is a good one, "You've just wasted a whole day doing nothing!"
I think at some point in our lives, we can all relate to those tapes that play in our heads. Why do we feel the need to compare ourselves to others and come up short? Why can't we just be kind to ourselves and accept us where we're at? I don't have the answer. I just know that I spent the last 5 weeks battling the sinus cold/infection and it knocked me out. I had very little energy. To be productive, I started knitting the replacement afghan for my daughter. This helped me feel "productive"....like I was doing something important and not just sitting wasting my day.
Earlier this week, the antibiotics were helping to kick this infection out of my body. I started to have more energy. I planted my vegetable seeds indoors for my garden. I thought, "I can help Hubby by mudding some nail holes in the drywall to prepare some rooms to be painted." So I did that. I used up my energy to buy the supplies, do some mudding and also some sanding with a mask and safety goggles on. I did that for 3 days. Then yesterday, I woke up feeling congested again. I thought, "Well that's OK. I need to get out and do groceries anyway even though I'm dragging." I was dragging. I was tired. I'm still tired today.
While out yesterday, I ran into a friend who has been battling her own cancer. We talked about living with the Big C and how do you go on without being an anxious mess every time there is an ache or you're tired or there's another test? How do you go on? My answer was mental fortitude. I am aware of my body and any changes in it. I am aware that I tire quickly, or I'm hot at night. I try not to go down that rabbit hole of "what if". Do I always succeed? No. My friend and I chatted. Unless someone has had cancer, they don't get it. This isn't like a flu that you just "get over". It's always there in the back of your mind. So I try to ignore it and go on. But.....the days that I'm tired? I have a little bit of anxiety and I try to ignore it. As I continued my grocery shopping at another store in town, I met up with another cancer survivor who also has good and bad days. We chatted about being kind to ourselves. I realized that my thoughts are not always kind to myself. There's no way I would say those things to anyone else, so why do I say it to myself?! This particular lady mentioned to me that she heard me speak several years ago at a Relay for Life event. She told me that I inspired her and I continue to inspire her. You know what my tape in my head said?! "What a load of crock! You are such a fraud! Inspiration my ***!!! If only people knew that you have days that you waste just sitting on the couch watching tv, playing computer games and knitting!" Oh my.....I would never say that to anyone so why is it OK for me to think that to myself about myself?! It's not!!
So yesterday, I finished my grocery shopping and I was exhausted. I sat for a few hours and watched television while I knitted. When it came time for supper, I was on my own while Hubby was still working later into the evening. I made my supper and felt guilty for wasting the afternoon (even though I was knitting my daughter's afghan). I pulled up a turkey carcass from the freezer and decided to make turkey broth to replenish what I've used up from my freezer. The turkey boiled away for the whole evening.
I slept in this morning. I'm still tired. I'm less congested but worried that I am still congested a little bit. This morning, I portioned the turkey broth into containers and froze them. I use the broth to make rice or to eat when I don't feel well. With the rest of the broth, I made turkey soup using the meat that came off the bones. Again, I've rested today. I was planning to do some drywall sanding but it's not going to happen today. I had thought that I learned my lesson about being kind to myself and listening to my body over the years. I do listen to it. I do rest when I'm tired. But.....there's still the little voice that judges me with the values of today's society. Those values are being busy, being productive, making use of every spare minute of every day with no excuses.
This is frustrating. Again, why can't we be gentle and kind with ourselves. I guess I still have lots to learn.
I think at some point in our lives, we can all relate to those tapes that play in our heads. Why do we feel the need to compare ourselves to others and come up short? Why can't we just be kind to ourselves and accept us where we're at? I don't have the answer. I just know that I spent the last 5 weeks battling the sinus cold/infection and it knocked me out. I had very little energy. To be productive, I started knitting the replacement afghan for my daughter. This helped me feel "productive"....like I was doing something important and not just sitting wasting my day.
Earlier this week, the antibiotics were helping to kick this infection out of my body. I started to have more energy. I planted my vegetable seeds indoors for my garden. I thought, "I can help Hubby by mudding some nail holes in the drywall to prepare some rooms to be painted." So I did that. I used up my energy to buy the supplies, do some mudding and also some sanding with a mask and safety goggles on. I did that for 3 days. Then yesterday, I woke up feeling congested again. I thought, "Well that's OK. I need to get out and do groceries anyway even though I'm dragging." I was dragging. I was tired. I'm still tired today.
While out yesterday, I ran into a friend who has been battling her own cancer. We talked about living with the Big C and how do you go on without being an anxious mess every time there is an ache or you're tired or there's another test? How do you go on? My answer was mental fortitude. I am aware of my body and any changes in it. I am aware that I tire quickly, or I'm hot at night. I try not to go down that rabbit hole of "what if". Do I always succeed? No. My friend and I chatted. Unless someone has had cancer, they don't get it. This isn't like a flu that you just "get over". It's always there in the back of your mind. So I try to ignore it and go on. But.....the days that I'm tired? I have a little bit of anxiety and I try to ignore it. As I continued my grocery shopping at another store in town, I met up with another cancer survivor who also has good and bad days. We chatted about being kind to ourselves. I realized that my thoughts are not always kind to myself. There's no way I would say those things to anyone else, so why do I say it to myself?! This particular lady mentioned to me that she heard me speak several years ago at a Relay for Life event. She told me that I inspired her and I continue to inspire her. You know what my tape in my head said?! "What a load of crock! You are such a fraud! Inspiration my ***!!! If only people knew that you have days that you waste just sitting on the couch watching tv, playing computer games and knitting!" Oh my.....I would never say that to anyone so why is it OK for me to think that to myself about myself?! It's not!!
So yesterday, I finished my grocery shopping and I was exhausted. I sat for a few hours and watched television while I knitted. When it came time for supper, I was on my own while Hubby was still working later into the evening. I made my supper and felt guilty for wasting the afternoon (even though I was knitting my daughter's afghan). I pulled up a turkey carcass from the freezer and decided to make turkey broth to replenish what I've used up from my freezer. The turkey boiled away for the whole evening.
I slept in this morning. I'm still tired. I'm less congested but worried that I am still congested a little bit. This morning, I portioned the turkey broth into containers and froze them. I use the broth to make rice or to eat when I don't feel well. With the rest of the broth, I made turkey soup using the meat that came off the bones. Again, I've rested today. I was planning to do some drywall sanding but it's not going to happen today. I had thought that I learned my lesson about being kind to myself and listening to my body over the years. I do listen to it. I do rest when I'm tired. But.....there's still the little voice that judges me with the values of today's society. Those values are being busy, being productive, making use of every spare minute of every day with no excuses.
This is frustrating. Again, why can't we be gentle and kind with ourselves. I guess I still have lots to learn.
Thursday, 14 March 2019
Faith, Family and Community
Does adversity ever end? As I look back over the
last 2 years, I and my family have faced much trauma and adversity.
It started in February of 2017 when suspicions of relapsed lymphoma
began to invade my thoughts. The year 2017 was full of diagnostic
tests, chemotherapy, a stem cell transplant and subsequent recovery.
2018 looked like it was going to be a better year until the end of
February when a PET scan showed the lymphoma was still there. The
dark cloud of lymphoma hung over me and my family until the beginning
of July 2018. We then got a break from medical appointments for a
period of 2 months. Then it was back to more vaccinations and
maintenance chemotherapy. A nasty cold attached itself to me in
November and then a flu bug in December in conjunction with another
maintenance chemotherapy session. My health cleared up in time for
the Christmas holidays and the month of January 2019. During the
Christmas break, Hubby and I discussed making a trip to Victoria to
see his father. Again, this had to be planned between medical
appointments for vaccinations and my next maintenance chemotherapy
session on February 28. As mentioned in my previous post, we decided to go to Victoria, B.C. from
February 7 through to February 21.
As mentioned in my previous post, Father-in-law passed away on February 14 so Hubby extended his stay until February 28 although due to delayed flights and missed connections he didn’t make it home until March 1.
As mentioned in my previous post, Father-in-law passed away on February 14 so Hubby extended his stay until February 28 although due to delayed flights and missed connections he didn’t make it home until March 1.
So for the last 2 years, we have endured an
overwhelming amount of adversity. Our daughter lost everything she owned
and then her beloved Grandpa within 24 hours. A necklace that Grandpa
gave her for her high school graduation went up in flames. This hit
her hard. In the midst of it all, another necklace that Grandpa gave
her many years ago was believed to also gone up in flames. It was a
heart pendant and he had engraved “My Grandaughter, My Joy” on
the back of it. Daughter sobbed uncontrollably on the phone when she
told me it went up in flames along with an afghan I knit for her when she was 12. Well, I found the heart pendant in her
room at our home minus the chain. Daughter’s words were “It’s
these small things that get us through.” She has already learned as
a young woman that family, friends and community help support us when
a tragedy occurs.
How true this is! It is the small moments that we must hold tight to. It is the moments that create good lasting memories we must remember. It is the support of family, friends and church community that get us through adversity. As I continue to battle the sinus cold that is not improving, I could get overwhelmed and sink into a pit of despair. But instead, I count my blessings. As for the afghan, I am knitting Daughter another one as I battle this cold that lingers on. As I count my blessings, I have wonderful friends that I have been able to visit with, sing with and enjoy. In 2017 amidst the diagnostic process, I was able to get away for a few days on the motorcycle and enjoy a brief holiday watching baseball, enjoying time with Hubby and making lasting memories. As I went through hospitalization, I was able to enjoy visits with family and good friends. In 2018, I had a 3 week trip on the motorcycle throughout Ontario as my oncologist advised that I do not travel too far from home. This trip was a wonderful break and a real blessing. It provided opportunities to meet up with family and friends. 2018 also gave me the opportunity to enjoy my yard and gardens while spending time outdoors with the birds, warm sunshine and butterflies. Even in the midst of the last 6 weeks, Hubby and I were able to make lasting memories with his father. We enjoyed moments of laughter. We managed to get him to eat. We were able to spend time with him at home.
We all have adversity in our lives. It could be very easy to fall into a negative spiral downwards and become an unhappy person. It is important to acknowledge our negative circumstances, but it is equally important to count our blessings. It is important to reach out to family and friends. It is most important to have our faith and spirituality nourished. I look at my family, my friends and my faith community as my safety net. They are there in good and bad times. In the good times, we create warm and lasting memories together. In the bad times, we support each other and help each other through the adversity. I truly thank God for my family, friends and my church family.
Monday, 25 February 2019
Unexpected Changes
Boy, as I know from the past, a lot can change in the blink of an eye. You would think that I should be used to this by now. Thankfully, my health seems to be okay. Hubby and I left on February 7 to go visit my father-in-law for a couple of weeks. This was not a holiday of sorts but more checking up on him. Over the years, he has teased me in February when the flowers are budding where he lived and we were in the midst of heavy winter snow. We knew his health was failing but it was more than we thought. We had a couple of good days with him and enjoyed some alert time. I was able to tease him about the 5 cm of snow that fell while we were there in the midst of a snow storm. He continued to tease me and say this was abnormal weather for the region, which it was. My father-in-law encouraged my Hubby to take me to a 5 star resort on the coast where the waves are good for surfing. Due to the unusual winter storms hitting the area, we had to delay our brief 3 day sojourn by a day. The roads were closed through the mountains. So off we went on the 13th to travel 4 1/2 hours to the resort. The scenery through the mountainous terrain and roads were breathtaking. I saw a fallow deer up to her belly in snow trying to reach some leaves on a branch just out of her reach. Poor little thing! Anyway, we stopped in a small town for lunch.
While we were just finishing up our lunch, Hubby's cell phone rang. I could hear our daughter hysterical on the other end. Here I am a 4-5 hour flight away from home and we find out that her apartment burned to the ground. It was burning and the firefighters were battling the flames as she called us. She lost everything. I was totally torn! I needed to be here to help Hubby and his father but I also needed to be back home to support my daughter. I couldn't be in both places at the same time. So we supported her with technology and texting back and forth. We answered phone calls and gave reassurance. We offered to help replace some of her things. We referred her to family that was geographically closer to her to assist her in replacing immediate items of need. Hubby and I were terribly worried and stressed. We continued on our way to the resort.
Our room overlooked the ocean and we had magnificent views of the waves crashing in over the rocks. In the distance, we could see one of the beaches where surfers in wet suits were catching waves. We relaxed on the balcony with a big blanket wrapped around us to help keep us warm. The slate floor of the balcony was warm on the feet as it soaked up the warmth from the sun. We made our way down to the lounge for a relaxed casual dinner. Our stress was still simmering underneath but we could feel it subsiding slightly as the lounge was in the upper part of a round carousel style building. The ocean was just feet away from the outer edge of the room so again, you could see the wild waves crashing over the rocks. We enjoyed our waiter as we chatted with him. We had a leisurely dinner and then made our way back to our room. I indulged myself in a long soak in the soaker tub with candles. Again, you could hear the waves outside. It was so peaceful after a bit of a stressful day. I was still torn in wanting to be with my daughter but things were a little settled in that she was spending the night with her aunt and uncle. Unfortunately, that night, I developed a terrible sinus cold with coughing and congestion. How romantic! NOT!!!! Oh well. The next morning (Valentine's Day) Hubby informed me that we had reservations for dinner in the main dining room (lower/ocean level) of the carousel building. We wanted to go for a long walk along the beach that we could see from our room after breakfast. We enjoyed our breakfast and then decided we would drive into the local village and pick up some cold medications for me before we go for our walk. We hoped to look for a couple of geocaches too. As Hubby was waiting for our car (father-in-law's borrowed car) to be brought around by the valet, I made a run up to our room for something I forgot. I just got into our room and the phone rang. It was the front desk and there was a message for Hubby. A family emergency. I called Hubby on his cell phone and gave him the message. I grabbed what I forgot and ran down the stairs to see Hubby on his phone outside. Sad news. Father-in-law had just passed away. We needed to return to his home. We were gutted emotionally. We returned to our room and I quickly packed our stuff together while Hubby contacted family and our children. The resort was fantastic and did not charge us for the cancelled dinner plans or the cancelled spa day that had been planned for me the next day. They gave us a voucher for the rest of our 2 days to be used anytime in the next 2 years. We packed up the car and got going.
My children were very close to their grandpa but especially my daughter. It was gut wrenching to call her and give her the news. In less that 24 hours she lost everything she owned and her beloved grandpa. I am amazed at her inner strength and resilience. We have been as supportive as we can be but we were not nearby physically to help her out. Her friends have been a great support as she has tried to rebuild. Again, I was not nearby to help our son through his grief. Thank God, he had his girlfriend's family who helped him through that first weekend. I continue to battle this cold and I have returned home while Hubby still deals with tying up loose ends. I have no energy due to the cold but I also think due to grief and anxiety.
This morning, I turned to my piano to help me cope with the anxiety humming in my body. I couldn't even concentrate to play. It was not enjoyable. I find myself reading to help escape. I have also discovered the "Giraffe Cam" from Animal Adventure Park where April the Giraffe is due to deliver a baby calf soon. I find it calming to have no noise and just watch this sweet animal. I'm sure it is another way to escape my grief for my father-in-law and my worry for my daughter. I am also stressing about my upcoming maintenance chemo that will take place on Thursday morning. I also feel terrible for my neighbours who lost their daughter to breast cancer last night. I will continue to work through my stress by reading, meditating/praying, using music and watching April. It would be heartwarming for me to see her give birth.
Bottom line.....life changes in an instant.
While we were just finishing up our lunch, Hubby's cell phone rang. I could hear our daughter hysterical on the other end. Here I am a 4-5 hour flight away from home and we find out that her apartment burned to the ground. It was burning and the firefighters were battling the flames as she called us. She lost everything. I was totally torn! I needed to be here to help Hubby and his father but I also needed to be back home to support my daughter. I couldn't be in both places at the same time. So we supported her with technology and texting back and forth. We answered phone calls and gave reassurance. We offered to help replace some of her things. We referred her to family that was geographically closer to her to assist her in replacing immediate items of need. Hubby and I were terribly worried and stressed. We continued on our way to the resort.
Our room overlooked the ocean and we had magnificent views of the waves crashing in over the rocks. In the distance, we could see one of the beaches where surfers in wet suits were catching waves. We relaxed on the balcony with a big blanket wrapped around us to help keep us warm. The slate floor of the balcony was warm on the feet as it soaked up the warmth from the sun. We made our way down to the lounge for a relaxed casual dinner. Our stress was still simmering underneath but we could feel it subsiding slightly as the lounge was in the upper part of a round carousel style building. The ocean was just feet away from the outer edge of the room so again, you could see the wild waves crashing over the rocks. We enjoyed our waiter as we chatted with him. We had a leisurely dinner and then made our way back to our room. I indulged myself in a long soak in the soaker tub with candles. Again, you could hear the waves outside. It was so peaceful after a bit of a stressful day. I was still torn in wanting to be with my daughter but things were a little settled in that she was spending the night with her aunt and uncle. Unfortunately, that night, I developed a terrible sinus cold with coughing and congestion. How romantic! NOT!!!! Oh well. The next morning (Valentine's Day) Hubby informed me that we had reservations for dinner in the main dining room (lower/ocean level) of the carousel building. We wanted to go for a long walk along the beach that we could see from our room after breakfast. We enjoyed our breakfast and then decided we would drive into the local village and pick up some cold medications for me before we go for our walk. We hoped to look for a couple of geocaches too. As Hubby was waiting for our car (father-in-law's borrowed car) to be brought around by the valet, I made a run up to our room for something I forgot. I just got into our room and the phone rang. It was the front desk and there was a message for Hubby. A family emergency. I called Hubby on his cell phone and gave him the message. I grabbed what I forgot and ran down the stairs to see Hubby on his phone outside. Sad news. Father-in-law had just passed away. We needed to return to his home. We were gutted emotionally. We returned to our room and I quickly packed our stuff together while Hubby contacted family and our children. The resort was fantastic and did not charge us for the cancelled dinner plans or the cancelled spa day that had been planned for me the next day. They gave us a voucher for the rest of our 2 days to be used anytime in the next 2 years. We packed up the car and got going.
My children were very close to their grandpa but especially my daughter. It was gut wrenching to call her and give her the news. In less that 24 hours she lost everything she owned and her beloved grandpa. I am amazed at her inner strength and resilience. We have been as supportive as we can be but we were not nearby physically to help her out. Her friends have been a great support as she has tried to rebuild. Again, I was not nearby to help our son through his grief. Thank God, he had his girlfriend's family who helped him through that first weekend. I continue to battle this cold and I have returned home while Hubby still deals with tying up loose ends. I have no energy due to the cold but I also think due to grief and anxiety.
This morning, I turned to my piano to help me cope with the anxiety humming in my body. I couldn't even concentrate to play. It was not enjoyable. I find myself reading to help escape. I have also discovered the "Giraffe Cam" from Animal Adventure Park where April the Giraffe is due to deliver a baby calf soon. I find it calming to have no noise and just watch this sweet animal. I'm sure it is another way to escape my grief for my father-in-law and my worry for my daughter. I am also stressing about my upcoming maintenance chemo that will take place on Thursday morning. I also feel terrible for my neighbours who lost their daughter to breast cancer last night. I will continue to work through my stress by reading, meditating/praying, using music and watching April. It would be heartwarming for me to see her give birth.
Bottom line.....life changes in an instant.
Tuesday, 29 January 2019
Existing, Living and Putting in Time
I had a wonderful Christmas where I celebrated with and enjoyed my family. Christmas Day, I was able to help make the meal and eat my good share of it. Hubby and I helped move our son to a city that I believe is going to be where he settles for good. We also said good bye to our daughter as she embarked on a vacation and adventure while making lifetime memories. I continue to think about my adult children daily. Sometimes it is a fleeting thought or memory. Other times, I do worry and wonder about their safety. I guess this is my new role to adult children who have moved on and away.
With all the snow we've had, I have been cooped up in the house. I did take advantage of being home and not tied to going to work daily, and I travelled to another city to visit some old friends. What a great time I had! One day last week, I decided to go for a walk and get out in the cold, fresh air. I needed to clear my head and get some exercise. I probably didn't think it through very well because I shovelled the driveway first and was already tired out. But I went for my walk anyway. I was doing well until I hit a stretch of sidewalk along a major road near my home. Although, the sidewalk plow had been through at some point, the road plow had come along and filled the sidewalk back in with soft, deep, slippery snow. I could feel my heart pounding as I trudged through the deep snow. I wished I had put on my snowshoes. I finally saw a bus stop up ahead that had a bench. I made it to it, although it was only another block back to my house, and I sat down on the snowy bench to rest. I was so tired, it took everything I had to rouse myself and get back on my feet to continue back home. I had done too much! I scared myself. I was so-o-o-o tired! I took it easy for the rest of the day.
Today, the snow is heavy and steady. Watching from the comfort of my living room, there are times that the wind and snow is so strong that you can hardly see across the street. At some moments, the wind is blowing the snow horizontally in the air. So it is a good day to catch up on some reading, write a blog post and generally rest.
For the last few weeks, I have decided to reclaim my children's bedrooms and remodel them into guest rooms. So the twin sized mates beds are up for sale with their mattresses included. One has sold. I then had Hubby help me move our guest double bed up to my son's old room. I rearranged furniture in that room. I wanted a clean slate and some change. As I moved the location of furniture, I wasn't sure I liked the new reconfiguration of the room. I let it sit for several days and then moved things again. I believe I may like how it looks now. The next stage is to find a paint colour to repaint the room. I took the advice of my friend/cousin and picked up some various paint swatches. I taped them to the wall yesterday. Every time I walked past the room in the last 24 hours, I looked in and took down a swatch that didn't catch my eye. This morning, I have picked the colour. The next job is to take down all my son's framed certificates, news articles, artwork, etc. and patch the nail holes. Hubby can tell that I have too much time on my hands and that I'm feeling healthy. After this room is finished, my daughter's room will be the next project.
I am feeling somewhat healthy. I still find myself out of shape. I am a little out of sorts lately. I believe it is because it is winter. The snow is falling. The sidewalks are slippery. It is cold. So I am putting in time and existing until the warmer weather arrives. I have been enjoying visiting with friends and making music with other friends. I do find myself fighting "the doldrums" a little bit.
I'm not looking forward to the end of February when I have another chemo maintenance treatment. I didn't like the side effects from the subcutaneous needle treatment in December. They lasted longer (10-14 days) than when the chemo has been injected intravenously (up to 5 days). I have a check up with my oncologist before the treatment at the end of February and I believe I will discuss with him whether I have a choice between an intravenous or subcutaneous injection.
In the meantime, life is fairly good.
With all the snow we've had, I have been cooped up in the house. I did take advantage of being home and not tied to going to work daily, and I travelled to another city to visit some old friends. What a great time I had! One day last week, I decided to go for a walk and get out in the cold, fresh air. I needed to clear my head and get some exercise. I probably didn't think it through very well because I shovelled the driveway first and was already tired out. But I went for my walk anyway. I was doing well until I hit a stretch of sidewalk along a major road near my home. Although, the sidewalk plow had been through at some point, the road plow had come along and filled the sidewalk back in with soft, deep, slippery snow. I could feel my heart pounding as I trudged through the deep snow. I wished I had put on my snowshoes. I finally saw a bus stop up ahead that had a bench. I made it to it, although it was only another block back to my house, and I sat down on the snowy bench to rest. I was so tired, it took everything I had to rouse myself and get back on my feet to continue back home. I had done too much! I scared myself. I was so-o-o-o tired! I took it easy for the rest of the day.
Today, the snow is heavy and steady. Watching from the comfort of my living room, there are times that the wind and snow is so strong that you can hardly see across the street. At some moments, the wind is blowing the snow horizontally in the air. So it is a good day to catch up on some reading, write a blog post and generally rest.
For the last few weeks, I have decided to reclaim my children's bedrooms and remodel them into guest rooms. So the twin sized mates beds are up for sale with their mattresses included. One has sold. I then had Hubby help me move our guest double bed up to my son's old room. I rearranged furniture in that room. I wanted a clean slate and some change. As I moved the location of furniture, I wasn't sure I liked the new reconfiguration of the room. I let it sit for several days and then moved things again. I believe I may like how it looks now. The next stage is to find a paint colour to repaint the room. I took the advice of my friend/cousin and picked up some various paint swatches. I taped them to the wall yesterday. Every time I walked past the room in the last 24 hours, I looked in and took down a swatch that didn't catch my eye. This morning, I have picked the colour. The next job is to take down all my son's framed certificates, news articles, artwork, etc. and patch the nail holes. Hubby can tell that I have too much time on my hands and that I'm feeling healthy. After this room is finished, my daughter's room will be the next project.
I am feeling somewhat healthy. I still find myself out of shape. I am a little out of sorts lately. I believe it is because it is winter. The snow is falling. The sidewalks are slippery. It is cold. So I am putting in time and existing until the warmer weather arrives. I have been enjoying visiting with friends and making music with other friends. I do find myself fighting "the doldrums" a little bit.
I'm not looking forward to the end of February when I have another chemo maintenance treatment. I didn't like the side effects from the subcutaneous needle treatment in December. They lasted longer (10-14 days) than when the chemo has been injected intravenously (up to 5 days). I have a check up with my oncologist before the treatment at the end of February and I believe I will discuss with him whether I have a choice between an intravenous or subcutaneous injection.
In the meantime, life is fairly good.
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